


Shattered

by emotionalmorphine



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Novelization, Romance, Slowmance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-07-06
Updated: 2014-07-17
Packaged: 2017-11-09 07:25:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 35
Words: 191,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/452876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emotionalmorphine/pseuds/emotionalmorphine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is about harsh realities and lessons we must learn. No one understands this better than Commander Shepard. But dying places everything in perspective and this time there will be no missed opportunities and no regrets. </p><p>ME2 novelization emphasizing critical missions and mission downtime, character interaction and dialogue trees.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Glass

Shattering glass pierced the silence. It was enough. Enough to drag Joker out of his reverie. The glass had slipped from his hand, not quite meeting the edge of the table, his depth perception out, head swimming with liquor. Dark liquid spilled across the ground, the shards of glass glinting in the low light. Data pads and magazine clippings littered the small space of floor between the wall and the coffee table where Joker had slumped some hours ago with the bottle of whiskey – the very expensive bottle of whiskey – that was now seeping into the paper, dripping onto a data pad.

"Shit, shit, shit!" He grabbed at them; his dumb hands fumbled as he gathered the pages to his chest, flicked some of the liquid off the data pad. He was breathing hard, his heart hammering in his chest and rivulets of alcohol trailed down his arms and into his crumpled shirt. He looked down, moving the pile of damp, crumpled pages away from his chest.

Shepard.

Every article, every clipping, every downloaded piece of information, every story, picture, comment.

Shepard. Shepard. Shepard.

Joker closed his eyes against the sting of pain that bristled in the corner of his eyes, his vision glassing over. This was all he had. Second hand information, stories, downright lies in many cases. People who all claimed to know the Commander, spoke about him with false respect. They didn't know shit. They weren't there.  
He had been there. And Garrus, and Tali, and Alenko, and goddamn Ash who had died for the Commander. But they didn't speak. They fled, disappeared into the corners of the galaxy – guys like Garrus didn't even make a blip on the radar. Gone. Just like the Commander.

He placed the articles on the dry floor beside him, dabbing at the precious paper with his sleeve. It was hard to find actual magazines, with actual, honest to God, paper. Most everything was downloaded. But there was something tangible about paper. It couldn't disappear with a click.

"And I spill goddamn booze all over it…" he cursed and smoothed a wrinkled corner, his fingers grazing over the familiar face of the man he had served under. The man who deserved much better than what he had got.

Heroes didn't die in the emptiness of space. They died gloriously in battles with their rival, or protecting the heroine, or slaying a dragon – shit, he didn't know, but they weren't spaced. Jeff felt his mouth go dry. He could see it behind his eyes, like a vid on loop. Shepard hurtling away from him as the _Normandy_ ripped apart. Shepard slamming his fist onto the eject button of the pod, the force shoving Joker back against the seat. Shepard…floating in space, the gravity of Alchera pulling him towards the planet as the air vented from his suit.

Joker covered his mouth as he felt the bile rise from his stomach. Bile and probably a lot of alcohol. He forced down the urge to throw up, doubling over in pain not entirely from binge drinking, but a pain he felt in his chest that clenched his core and threatened to tear him up inside. He pushed the heels of his hands against his tired eyes; ignoring the pain in his legs from the cramped position he sat in, ignoring the wooziness and nausea and tried to push back his thoughts. Not that it would work. If he could just ignore it, just will it all away, he wouldn't be here now. Curled up, pathetic, on the ground of his crappy apartment. He couldn't remember the last time he had eaten, showered, shaved, or even slept willingly instead of passing out from exhaustion or just too much booze. How was he supposed to sleep? When all he could see behind his eyes was the _Normandy_ ripping apart and falling towards the planet – a burning wreckage of steel, glass, and forever tainted with the blood of good men. How could he sleep when over and over he saw his Commander struggling against the inevitable? He didn't deserve a peaceful sleep.

Of course, he'd got the 'talk' from concerned friends, doctors, the Alliance…right before they stripped him of his wings, that is. Dumped him on some extended leave bullshit upon Chakwas' insistence and then left him to rot. It was easier, wasn't it? Better to keep him locked away where he couldn't attack the Council for their stupidity, get into fights on the Citadel whenever someone mentioned Shepard – apparently his self-preservation filter died when he was drunk – and away from the prying journalists wanting to speak to the crew of the _Normandy_. Joker knew he was pay dirt to a news agency – as if he would ever speak to them. The payout to leave Citadel space had been huge.

And he'd taken it.

The payout had come with other bonuses. Not just the extended leave, but specialist care, a very expensive quack, and a cushy job as a flight instructor when he was ready to return to duty. He had hummed noncommittally and left. He wasn't about to take some job as an instructor. He didn't belong planet side. He knew where he belonged.

On the _Normandy_. At the helm of his baby, ready to save the galaxy. There was nothing like the thrill of flying. Better than sex.

Joker smiled and looked back down at one of the more recent images on the data pad. An article on the Shepard memorial the Alliance were currently arguing over where to place. There had always been one thing that rivalled the rush of sitting at the helm of the best ship in the galaxy – the look of surprise, then respect from its CO, when Joker had anticipated his moves. Joker had taken great pride in the fact. He knew when to place the _Normandy_ into dock for refuelling and repairs so that it wouldn't disrupt the Commander's missions. He knew when Shepard would need pickup, transport, even which squad he was likely to take on a mission. Joker didn't like to say he was spying on the Commander – just learning. He was the best goddamn helmsman in the Alliance, hell, probably in the whole galaxy, and part of that title meant knowing the crew and especially the CO. It didn't mean he had to like them, it didn't mean he wanted to spend any time with them, but he knew his crew.

It just so happened that he did like Tris Shepard.

And he had killed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the unmoderated version of the fic first posted on FF.net. The only sections not posted on FF.net are those with explicit sexual content, so if you've read this before and saw the porn, you've read all the chapters up to Chapter 33. If you missed the porn (which might be a good thing) then it's all preserved and posted here, instead.
> 
> Happy reading!


	2. Could Have

_“You shit!”_

Joker didn’t have time to brace himself. He was forced against the wall in a wave of dark energy. His back connected against a strut, metal digging painfully into his flesh, and he heard the sickening crack of a rib.

“Grab him!”

“Stand down, Alenko!”

Joker slipped to the ground, doubled over in pain, hissing through his teeth and counting backwards – anything to ease the sharp pain slicing through his chest.  


“Jeff, are you alright?” Dr Chakwas asked and kneeled next to him. Her hair was dishevelled, clothes singed and stained with blood.

Joker looked up and then past her. Garrus was restraining Kaidan, holding him back before he did anything he would hopefully regret. Their gaze met and Joker felt a shudder run down his spine. Hatred. No one had ever looked at him like that. Like they would carve him into pieces of meat. His eyes stung with fresh tears. He knew why Kaidan would glare at him like that. This was all his fault.

“Jeff, I asked if you were alright,” Chakwas repeated, placing her hand on his shoulder. He winced and flinched backwards.

“Broken rib, broken arm…probably fractures in my legs and right ankle,” he rattled off. He knew the drill. But he didn’t look at her. He didn’t see anyone anymore. Just space, darkness, the burning wreckage of the _Normandy_ and… A shudder tore through his body and he brought his good arm to cover his eyes.

“I am so sorry…” he said, the words all tumbling out of his mouth. His breath caught in his chest, a painful knot of air that tore through his lungs. Everything seemed too loud, too bright, too much.

“You should be sorry!” Kaidan yelled and pulled at Garrus’ arm around him. “He went back for you! You didn’t obey an order and he died saving _you_.”

The rest of the rescued crew – all that was left – turned to look down at Joker now. Crumpled on the floor, crying into his sleeve, on the verge of complete panic.  


Tali wrung her hands together. She was dirty, her suit blackened in patches. “Is this true?” she asked.

Kaidan finally threw Garrus’ arm off him, but made no further move to attack the fallen pilot. “Damn right it is. The Commander told me to leave so he could save Joker. You couldn’t abandon a _ship_ and now he’s dead and you, of all people, are alive!”

Joker pulled his legs closer to his chest, ignoring the sting of pain from his ribs, the slight twinge that definitely meant he had at least a hairline fracture in his ankle.  


“If Joker had not been at the helm we would have suffered many more causalities this day,” Liara said. Even at a time like this her voice was so soft and calm. “Shepard would have known this. This is not Joker’s fault.”

“But it doesn’t bring him back,” Kaidan said. Everyone could hear the barely suppressed emotion in his voice as he tried to hold back his anguish. He shoved past Garrus, who let him go without word. There was no use in running after him. He needed time alone.

“Jeff, we need to get you to the medical bay—”

Joker groaned and rolled over. The room was in darkness. His legs ached from being crushed under him.

A dream. A memory. He rubbed his hand against his head as his eyes attempted to acclimatize to the darkness to little avail. The pleasant fuzz of alcohol was gone, replaced with the very, very unpleasant feeling of a hangover. He reached above his head and groped blindly for the cap that had fallen off his head at some point. It was dirty, smelled like smoke and sweat, but it was his and it was all he had left. Across the room his extranet terminal was awash with an orange glow, a message blinking across the screen. He groaned and forced his cap onto his head, but didn’t get up. It would be the Alliance or Chakwas. Probably Chakwas. I’m worried about you, Jeff. You can’t dwell on the past, Jeff. You have to move on; it’s what he would have wanted, Jeff. Joker growled deep in his throat and curled into a ball, holding his hands against his ears. He didn’t want to hear that now. It had only been a few months. In just a few short – very short – months everyone just forgot and moved on and ignored anything that ever happened and that the galaxy had lost the best damn hero they could ask for. Without him, they were all screwed.

But hey, the Reapers weren’t coming, right?

If only he had listened. All Shepard had needed was a minute, a moment…a few seconds more. One less protest from Joker, one less smart arse comment and they would have been gone. Shepard would have slipped into the pod next to him, fallen against the seat as the ejection thrusters kicked in, and they would have watched the _Normandy_ fall away to the planet’s surface. Joker could almost imagine the warmth of another person next to him and the feel of the Commander’s armour pressing against his arm.

_“No, I won’t abandon the Normandy! I can still save her.”_ He could still feel the adrenalin burning through him at the thought. It had been like listening to a million conversations at once, as the haptic displays swirled and changed in front of him, emergency lights flashing, information bombarding his mind. But he was the best. If anyone could save the _Normandy_ , if anyone could give the crew a few more minutes to make it to the escape pods, it was him.

Now it all seemed so stupid.

_“The_ Normandy’s _lost. Going down with the ship won’t change that. I won’t lose you, too.”_

It had made Joker pause, long enough for sense and rational thought to get through. The Commander had come back for him. All he had left of his ship was large chunks of tortured steel drifting away from the hull. The unknown ship was turning again, the weapons charging. It would destroy them. He sighed and closed his eyes, nodding in defeat.

The huge vessel’s weapon sliced through space, searing through what little remained of the _Normandy’s_ hull, cables hissing and debris whipping towards them before bouncing off the kinetic shielding that still protected the helm from complete decompression. Shepard had grabbed his arm. He was always fairly unceremonious when it came down to the wire. If he had been hauling anyone else up it would have been fine, but Joker had felt his bone fracture. If it had been anyone else, they could have made a run for it – Shepard wouldn’t have needed to support them and their stupid creaky legs. If it was anyone else, Shepard would have made it, too.

Joker still remembered the feeling of his breath catching in his throat as Shepard helped him into the escape pod. Even then, he knew what was going to happen. Shepard had been so careful, supporting him as he ducked into the hatch. Shepard’s armoured fingers had dragged across his side like a brand before the hull across the walkway ripped open. Ripped open to space, everything sucked backwards into the vacuum. Joker saw it too late. He reached out as Shepard snagged the side of the hatch with one hand. He could see Shepard’s eyes behind his N7 helmet. The look of resignation, acceptance, as he thumped his fist on the eject panel before he was torn away, thrown against the bulkhead and flung into space.

_“Commander!”_

Joker felt his throat tighten. “Shepard…”

Behind him, he heard the chime of the doorbell. An incessant bleeping of the interface. He knew it was Chakwas. She was the only one to ever visit and she had the damn code. Joker wiped his eyes with the back of his hand and managed to pull himself up to sit as the door slid open, the apartment lights burning to life.

“Jeff Moreau.” She didn’t even greet him nicely. “You have missed your therapy appointments both last week and again today.” She walked into the room, stepping down the stair into the lounge. He saw her nose wrinkle at the probably evident smell of alcohol and sweat, but she said nothing about that. “You can’t keep treating your body this way. You know that your physiotherapy is important.”

Joker mumbled something, feeling his dry, rough tongue drag over the roof of his mouth. He needed something to drink.

“You have unread messages,” Chakwas said. Jeff just watched her go about his apartment, picking up garbage and trashing it, sweeping some crumbs off his desk, and throwing laundry into the other room. “Is that broken glass? What have you been doing? Get up. Good Lord, I can’t leave you alone for a few days without you just about killing yourself. Go, go sit on the bed.”

He felt his lips quirk into a small, yet warm smile. “Yes, Mom.” He had always liked Chakwas, even if she did boss him around. Maybe he liked her because she cared. He grabbed his crutches from near the wall. Of course it was difficult to get up, between crutches and leg braces, but he would _never_ accept help. He didn’t need someone to help him drag his crippled ass up off the floor. He put himself there and he would get back up.

Chakwas sighed and began picking up the glass. “You really should be more careful, Jeff. The last thing we need is for you to fall into a pile of broken glass.”

“I know, I know.” He grunted as he pulled himself up, using the wall as a support. “The glass…slipped.”

“Perhaps you should not have been drinking quite as much. It smells rather akin to a bar in here.”

“I was just having a drink. Geez. It’s not going to kill me,” he snapped back. He leaned heavily on his crutches, his legs cramping as he tried to rest any weight on his braces.

Chakwas picked up the empty bottle and waved it at him. “This will get you killed, Jeff. And it certainly is not going to make anything better.”

“Nothing will make it better!”

The Doctor stopped, lowering the bottle to her side. Jeff stood in the middle of the room, his arms and legs shaking not entirely from the effort of standing. “Jeff… The Commander and the _Normandy_ are gone. There is nothing you can do to change that.”

“Then what’s the point?” Joker hobbled over to the bed and sat down, forcing the crutches away from his arms, letting them crash to the ground. “The Council are trying to pass Sovereign off as a Geth cruiser. Garrus, Liara, Tali? They’re all gone. Alenko looked like he wanted to rip my fucking throat out and I don’t blame him one bit.”

“So you sit in this room with a bottle of alcohol and wait for death to catch you?”

“Why the hell not? No one’s gonna miss me. I don’t want to play space hero anymore. Let someone else do it if they think they can but without him we’re dead in the water. The Reapers are gonna come, shoot the Earth full of lasers, destroy everything in the galaxy, then piss off again for another 50,000 years.”

Chakwas dropped the large pieces of broken glass into the waste bin and then turned to face him. “Jeff… I understand what you are feeling—”

“Yeah, remember, we went over this shit. Survivor’s guilt,” he drawled, waving his hand at her. “And it’s shit. It’s not survivor’s guilt if it’s true. Shepard died because of me. That’s a fact. Now we’re fucked.”

“Jeff! The Commander went back for you because he would not leave you behind. You knew the Commander…he left no one behind. Even smart mouthed pilots.”

Joker ground his teeth, crossing his arms across his chest. “There’s nothing you can say, Doc. Cuz we both know what happened. A few seconds. He just needed a _few seconds_. He would have been there next to me. Because of what? I couldn’t let a dead ship die. I had to be a hero, had to prove that I was so great, couldn’t even leave when I knew it was the only way. He just needed a few seconds.” Joker raised his hand to his mouth, biting at the corner of one of his nails, the other arm still crossed over his chest. “There’s nothing you can say that will convince me that it wasn’t my damn fault he died. So just…leave me be. Just go, don’t come back. Let me rot here.”

The Doctor sighed. There was no use talking to him when he was in a mood. She had known Jeff Moreau too long – she understood him perfectly and knew there was no point in pushing him if he wasn’t ready to take the step, either mentally or physically. He was stubborn, foul mouthed, pessimistic and arrogant – a lot of qualities that sometimes made up a very unappealing package. But in her own way, she loved him. Like a son, a grandchild, a burden she had to carry. Jeff found it hard to make friends, let alone allow anyone close to him. She knew in a few days time he would be in a better mood and she had a higher possibility of convincing him out of his dirty clothes and into the shower. Perhaps even outside for a walk and to the hospital for his therapy.

“I’ll make sure that some meals are delivered for you,” she said. She picked up the last of the broken glass with a damp cloth, dabbing at the ground. Across the floor lay the articles displayed on data pads and ripped out pages from magazines. Some looked like they had been splashed with water. She stacked them carefully and stood. Even in images Shepard was so commanding; the glint in his eye, the scar across his cheek and lip, the short, spiky black hair that was almost always covered in blood and grit. Chakwas smiled fondly.

“I believe these are yours.” She handed the pile to Joker. He didn’t immediately react and didn’t look at her when he did reach to take the pile of papers and the data pads, bringing them into his lap.

“Thanks…” he muttered, barely audible.

“Jeff, sometimes events like these happen for very good reasons. Perhaps in your case it was to teach you the importance of acknowledging what we have before it is gone forever.”

He didn’t answer, but she never expected him to reply. Chakwas finished cleaning the broken glass, throwing away the cloth before she left. The door closed and the room dipped back into silence.


	3. Memories

" _What do you know about the new XO?"_ Alenko asked from the co-pilots chair. His hands moved over the console in front of him, flicking into another screen.

Joker looked at him momentarily from the corner of his eyes. Goddamn this guy could be chatty sometimes. What had he said about talking to him while he was running diagnostics?

"Don't know. Don't care. Long as he can do his job."

Alenko hummed in response. "We're receiving reports from Engineering. IES is running clean."

Joker's hands flitted across the console. He could see that for himself. He still didn't quite understand the reason for a co-pilot. He'd never needed a co-pilot before; even if Alenko had proved himself to the Alliance and the Commander. It wasn't that he didn't like Alenko… He looked over, pulling on the brim of his cap. Alenko was working diligently, his eyes focussed on what he was doing, even if he did have time for gossip.

"I heard he survived Akuze," Joker said. "Least that's what's been going around."

Kaidan let his hands drop to his lap. "What? It's _that_ Shepard?"

"Again, that's what's been goin' round. Can't say for sure. People like to make up stories and I haven't checked up on the guy. Figure they'll tell us when it's important we know."

"Either way, I guess we're going to find out." Kaidan moved his hands over the console again, zooming in on the security grid. "He's coming aboard. Captain Anderson is on his way with Pressly."

Joker pulled up the same visual, expanding the screen in front of him. The man on the walk looked like your typical Alliance soldier. Tall, buff, his hand on the pistol at his thigh like something might jump out of the shadows to chew his ear off. Joker ran his hand over the screen, pulling the image closer. Was that… N7 armour. Jesus, they were getting an Alliance tank. The black armour reflected the harsh lights of the hanger, the bright red stripe running the length of the man's arm to his black glove. Joker felt his mouth go dry. N7 was big news – they were the best, but usually stayed planet side. This guy must have done something pretty impressive to earn the XO position on the _Normandy_.

"He better be able to handle it," he murmured under his breath. He wasn't going to have some idiot jarhead stuffing up the best commission of his life, special ops or not.

Again, he wasn't an asshole. He wasn't especially rude to people… Okay, he was. He looked over at Alenko again. That poor guy had gotten most of his rage over the last few days with all the mess around a new XO, the possible station of a Spectre on board in the near future, and the Alliance yammering in his ear every two seconds for status updates on a ship damn near perfect.

"Damn, an N7…" Alenko muttered. "Bet he can walk into any bar and walk away with the hottest girl there."

Joker smirked.

If they had only known back then.

Joker stared up at his ceiling, the gray paint anything but enlightening. He draped his arm over his eyes, his cap sliding backwards onto the sheets. He felt a smile pulling at the corner of his lips, just enough to nudge his cheek muscles back. He could still remember Ash's little yet obvious crush on the Commander. While he didn't like to make fun of the dead – that was just bad taste – it seemed funny now. Probably mortifying for Ash, but… There had always been signs. The Commander never joined in when conversation in the mess turned to the ladies. When running through Flux he never commented on the dancers. He could have used his position to grab the best table there, pull up a seat and down a few before moving on with the mission, but he was just never interested. Not that it was weird or anything, it was just…

Nah, it was just nothing. The Commander was exactly how he was. Who the fuck cared? Not that it mattered now. It just meant that in Commander Shepard's tale of bravery and heroics there was no buxom lass to share the kiss with under the setting sun. Joker smirked again. Not that he would have been short of options. Ash, Liara, and even Tali seemed so smitten over him. And Tris was always a gentleman. He let Ash down gently and treated Liara and Tali like his sisters. Every time a silly but pretty Private would flirt with him at a bar, he would smile, buy her a drink, but make it very clear he wasn't interested. Most just suspected it was because he was _Commander Shepard_.

The Commander always gave them leave when he could manage it. He was good like that. Joker would watch them file through the decon process before stumbling to their sleeper pods for the night. The Commander was always last, ensuring that all his crew were safe onboard. He would smile as he walked past, nod at Joker before retiring to his own quarters. It was too late to stay up chatting anyway. But the small acknowledgement was appreciated. Joker would turn back to his console – not on shift, just bored and riddled with insomnia. He never really paid much attention to what went on after hours. He liked to gossip along with all the others, but he really didn't want to know who was dragging who behind a storage crate and defying fraternization regs.

Until Kaidan slumped into the co-pilots chair next to him.

Joker looked up but didn't acknowledge him. It was bloody late and Kaidan had no business being there. His shoulders were hunched and he rubbed at his forehead with his palm. The start of a migraine, maybe?

"Should I call Chakwas?" Joker finally asked. Kaidan didn't say a word.

Was he shaking?

"Whoa, are you okay? Look, if you're going to pass out in my space, then do it when I aint here. I can't stop you from cracking your head against a guard rail without breaking my own skull open."

"Please, Joker."

Curious, but respectful of someone wanting room, Joker leant back in his chair again and faced his console, his hands idly wandering over the interface, looking at nothing in particular.

"What do you think of the Commander?" Alenko asked finally, but didn't look up.

Joker granted him another look out of the corner of his eyes before flicking his gaze back to the console. "Great guy. Can't complain. Top notch soldier, awesome biotic, gentleman – all round perfect package I guess they'd say."

Kaidan sighed. "No, I mean… Forget it. I can't talk to you about something like this." But he also didn't get up from the seat.

He wasn't one to pry, but Joker knew when someone really wanted to talk about something. He would have preferred Alenko going to _anyone_ else, but if he had chosen to come here then he couldn't really send him away now, could he? He turned his chair to face the Lieutenant. "Right, right, hold on. What do I think? The Commander is…great. And not just cuz he's an awesome soldier and shit. He's just a great guy. He cares about his goddamn crew, even if they don't always deserve it." Joker frowned, remembering his own accusations of Shepard when he took control of the _Normandy_. Poor guy hadn't even _known_ about his medical history and he snapped and spat in his face. He had just been curious about his crew. "He deserves all the medals, the respect…he deserves to be a Spectre, and the _Normandy_."

Kaidan sighed again. He was getting sick of that. Obviously something had the guy bummed, so why didn't he just spit it out?

"Look, do you have a problem with the Commander? Because he's always been a good guy to you. He's always the first to check on you when you've got a headache putting you down. He has Chakwas send him reports on your health all the time. And he spends so much time talking to you after missions that he forgets to come up here. Stop hogging all his time."

Again, a sigh. "That's the problem."

Joker raised an eyebrow in question. "What's the problem? Look, just tell me what's going on because I'm not big on guessing games."

Another pause of complete silence. Kaidan sat up, only to lean backwards against his chair, staring out the window and at the Citadel dock. "Tonight we… he…" Another damn lengthy pause. "At the bar tonight, we were…dancing."

Joker gestured him to continue. What the hell was wrong with dancing? "No, not like that. I mean _dancing_. Together."

Ohhh… Joker spun his chair back to face the console. "I didn't think you swung that way, Alenko," he forced out, suddenly very uncomfortable in this conversation.

"Yeah. No, I mean, I don't. Not usually. Not ever before. It's just, it's _Shepard."_

Joker paused, his hands poised above the console. He could more than understand. The Commander was, in almost every sense, the perfect man. Well, at least from the outside. Strong, disciplined, loyal to the end, but not without that certain edge of danger and destruction. It's not like his mind hadn't wandered before. But he was different – Joker knew his sexual _loyalties_ weren't so straight. They never had been. But at the same time, he'd never much been interested in the whole game. The promise of more than likely snapping a femur should he decide to get a little frisky kind of put a dampener on the whole deal.

"We both had too much to drink and it was just so comfortable. There was this pretty Asari girl but when she saw Shepard, I may as well not have existed. Then it was all so sudden…" Kaidan raised his hand to rub at the base of his neck where his port was located. "He smiled at her and whispered something in her ear and she _left._ Then he was there, against my back. His hand on my hip and he told me he was sorry for chasing away my partner and laughed."

A shiver ran up his spine as Kaidan spoke. Goddamn inventive mind imagining it. He wiped his hand at his neck too, trying to chase away the feeling of another person's breath there and the deep laugh rumbling against his ear.

Kaidan sucked in a deep breath. "I should have turned away but…he was so warm, Joker. And a damn good dancer. Get that armour off him and he knows how to move. So I didn't complain and just…let go." He released a long breath. 'Letting go' was probably the hardest thing for the uptight Lieutenant to do. "It was dark, no one saw us. His fingers were so hot without his gloves. I could feel them on my hip, even through my pants. The music, the alcohol, it was just overwhelming. I must be coming down with something." He couldn't sit still, shifting in the co-pilots chair awkwardly. Joker could see now where his clothes were a little dishevelled and his normally perfect hair out of place around his face. What exactly had gone on? Because right now his mind was painting a pretty clear picture.

Another shuddered breath and Kaidan continued. "Am I crazy? I've never had anything happen like that. But when he touched me I just felt everything go. Like all the pain was leaving." Kaidan put his hand to his stomach. "His hand slipped under my shirt and I pushed back against him and it was like…being hit full on with a biotic charge. He shoved me back against the wall so damn fast I wasn't even sure I had moved. He's fast, and strong – far more in control than I am. His control of his biotics is…amazing. It was like every time he touched me every nerve in my body fired around his fingers."

Joker heard a small noise slip from his own throat. He clamped his mouth shut, feeling embarrassment rise across his cheeks. Shit, now was not the time to be thinking about this. Alenko was telling him about how he'd just about been assaulted (though not without reciprocation it seemed) by the Commander, and Joker's mind was cursing his stupid bones. If he was able to go out dancing… Ah, who was he kidding?

"I don't think you're crazy," Joker said finally, clearing his throat. "If it feels right, go for it, I say."

He'd never heard anything else from Kaidan after that talk. And it had always been kind of awkward. It was obvious Shepard was keen, but he wasn't the type to push something, so Joker figured nothing ever happened. There were no whispers of them having quiet interludes in the corridors, no gossip about strange noises from the Commander's quarters.

But it had been the first time Joker's mind had seriously swung to Tris. The conversation with Alenko was confirmation of a hunch. He knew that Shepard wasn't particularly interested in ladies – or at least the ladies on the ship – but it could have been because he was focused on the mission. But hitting on Alenko had proved there were very different reasons for ignoring the advances of the more feminine crewmates. It got Joker's mind racing. Completely ridiculous, of course. Why would the hottest, most incredible man in the galaxy be interested in a cripple? Especially when guys like Alenko – strong, dedicated and physically capable of handling someone like Tris Shepard – were around.

He rubbed at his hair, which had almost a permanent style thanks to his cap. It had been nice to dream, though.


	4. With the Excess of Hope

Joker didn't believe in God. Or Angels, or karma, or krogans with a penchant for ballet. He didn't think he'd be able to get through a day if he did. He had to fight for everything he had, to be the best, to earn respect, only for it to continuously be thrown back in his face when someone found out about his condition, or when he cracked a bone doing something as mundane as taking a piss. Yeah, he could be a little rough around the edges, but he had to be. If he was nice people walked all over him.

Deep down, he wasn't such a bad guy. Just a guy, with a wicked sense of humour, killer good looks and…a rather inflated ego.

But he had feelings. And yeah, he hated having to stand up for himself and push everyone away just so that he wasn't hurt. Eventually, they all got the hints. The students at flight school, the crew on his commissions and, when the time came, the crew of the _Normandy_. No one liked him, but they damn well respected him and knew that he was the best pilot around. That's how he liked it.

Though some people just didn't learn.

"Jeff, I've put away your clothes but perhaps you might consider putting on some clean ones sometime in the future?"

Joker narrowed his eyes as he glared at Dr Chakwas. She just kept inviting herself around, tidying up his stuff, preparing him meals and generally being a nuisance.

"I'm quite enjoying wallowing in my own filth, Doc."

"Mm, I can see that." She threw out an armful of beer cans.

"Look, you don't need to come over. I told you before."

Chakwas looked over her shoulder and smiled. "Of course you did. I keep ignoring you. Now please, go shower would you? I'll place a meal in for you to start when you're finished."

Joker mumbled something under his breath and looked at the rumpled bed sheets. Damn she was persistent. Maybe it was a woman thing? His mother had been the same. She would hound him until he did what she wanted just so that he could hear himself think again. "…fine." He submitted.

"I'll be back tomorrow to bring you to the hospital. 1100 hours. Awake and dressed, understand?"

He gritted his teeth but nodded. It was just easier. But he didn't say goodbye when she left. She didn't deserve his farewell after bossing him around, telling him what to do…

He struggled to his feet, weighing on his crutches. Showering was one of those things that normal people enjoyed – Joker had a good half an hour or more of slow, steady method to work through just to wash without breaking every bone in his body. But he did. He had to admit that he was beginning to smell more than even he could handle. He scrubbed himself raw, frowning at how long his hair was getting and how thick his beard was. Beard was good: Crazy hermit look was bad. And damn, was that the door?

If it was Chakwas again she could let herself into his apartment. What did she want now? She'd already pried enough for one day. No one entered the apartment and the door continued to chime. He sighed, rinsed the last of the soap out of his hair and shut off the shower. He slung the towel around his waist, making sure it was secure before he grabbed his crutches. Though at this point, the thought of answering the door butt naked didn't worry him. It would serve whoever was there right for interrupting him. He hobbled out, trying to keep all of his weight off his legs. He was way too vulnerable to fractures and breakage like this. He hit the release with his elbow and the door slid open.

"Good evening, Mr Moreau."

Joker stared. Who the hell— Goddamn, was her suit _painted_ on? He felt the urge to wolf whistle. Tall, perfectly proportioned, with a fantastic rack, shapely behind (from what he could see, and he had to lean) all encased in skin tight white outfit.

"Who the hell are you?" he asked. Always the diplomat.

"Miranda Lawson. It's good to finally meet you, Mr Moreau. May I come in?"

Joker's mouth opened and then promptly closed as the woman entered his apartment. She didn't walk – she _sashayed._

"Did I catch you in the middle of something?" she asked, stopping in the middle of the room and gestured at his current state of undress. "I'm more than happy to wait."

"Uh…right. Yeah, just give me a minute." He didn't know who this woman was – other than the incredibly important mention of her name which told him sweet jack all – but he was pretty sure she wasn't here to rob him. She could be trusted alone for a while so he could dress.

"Take your time, Mr Moreau." Sure enough, when he did return she hadn't stolen his crap, or torched his apartment. Instead she had made herself comfortable on a clean section of his couch, one leg crossed over the other, creating a long visual image from black high heeled boot, up her leg and towards her thighs. But as hot – very hot – as Miranda was, Joker couldn't ignore the warning signals blaring in his head. She watched him with careful but practised ease – he had seen the same look from soldiers. This woman was no ordinary visitor.

"Can I help you with anything?" she asked, unfolding her arms.

"I don't need yours or anyone else's help, lady," Joker snapped. But this just made Miranda smile.

"Good. Our intel reported that you might not be fit for duty." She stood, but even this was a carefully crafted action – like a predator. "I see that information was wrong. I have a proposition that I think you will like, Mr Moreau."

Joker leaned back on his crutches, inching slightly backwards. "I doubt it. I don't even know who you are. You barge into my apartment, act like you own the place and now want to offer me a 'proposition'. So unless this proposition means you, me and a lot less clothing then how bout you answer some of my questions first?"

Miranda smiled again, her perfect lips quirking in a way that sent a shiver up his spine. "Alright," she said and returned to her seat on the couch. Even now, with Joker looking down at her, he felt no more in control of the situation.

"Okay…well lets start with the obvious 'who the hell are you' question before we move onto something more difficult."

"I told you, Mr Moreau. My name is Miranda Lawson and I have an important proposal for you to consider. Anything else is unimportant at this stage."

"Yeah, which makes me dislike everything you're saying right about now."

"Trust me when I say that you want to hear our offer, Mr Moreau. Please, take a seat."

He had to admit he was interested. Who in their right mind would come all the way to Mars to hunt him down, and who was this smug about it? He sat on the other end of the couch, as far from her as he could get without seeming too rude. "Alright, I'm biting."

"I believe you have had some experience in the past with Cerberus, am I correct?"

Joker felt his heart pound in his chest. Shit! He should have seen it coming. "Get the fuck out of my apartment!"

Miranda just smiled and shook her head. "Don't believe that you understand Cerberus just from what little you saw of it, Mr Moreau. Cerberus is here to make you a very important offer. A commission, if you will."

"You've got to be kidding me. You think I would work with a bunch of xenophobic freaks? You're all fuckin' monsters!"

"We have Commander Shepard."

If his heart had been hammering in his chest before, now it fell dead. It was like a stone behind his ribcage and a chill rose in his body.

"Cerberus' main objective is to stop the Reapers. A vision that the Council doesn't share. The Reapers are a threat to humanity and must be stopped and the Illusive Man understands that humanity needs the Commander to complete that goal."

"…he's dead."

"Yes," Miranda said. "For now."

If he was less of a man, he could have easily blacked out from stress and clearly a lack of oxygen to his brain, but he was tough. He could totally make it through this. Didn't stop him from trying to hack up a lung though. "What?" he croaked between coughs.

"Cerberus is spending a great deal of credits to return Commander Tristan Shepard to his former state. We will succeed, Mr Moreau. When the Commander wakes, he will require someone to pilot his ship. He will need you. I hear you're the best."

He could smell the trap, but he stepped into it anyway. "Of course I'm the best. I'm the best damn pilot there is and no one better forget it! No one else can take the helm of the Commander's ship."

"It would mean working as a Cerberus operative. But I believe our objectives are one in the same. Cerberus is for the protection and advancement of humanity and we both know that the only person capable of taking the Reapers head on is your Commander Shepard."

Joker fell back against the cushion of the couch. The Council had gone as far as to call the Commander a liar, confused, possibly even indoctrinated himself for believing crazy stories about an ancient race of machines bent on destroying sentient life. They weren't going to do anything about the Reapers until they were knocking on the Citadel doors. But working for Cerberus… This was the same Cerberus who released Rachni and captured a Queen, experimented on humans and alien species just to see what made them tick – the same Cerberus that had released the Thresher Maws on Akuze.

"How do I even know you're telling the truth?"

"You don't. But I am. You want to see him again, don't you?"

Joker bristled. What the fuck? How on earth…

"Cerberus has a very large file on you, Mr Moreau. Nothing is a secret. But this is your chance. The Illusive Man is very keen to have you on board and is willing to offer you a great deal. Not just the chance to see Shepard. How would you like to walk without crutches?"

All his senses told him to run – figuratively speaking – a mile. Don't trust those that come bearing gifts and all. But here was this woman, offering him everything he wanted, for…what? Just to work with them?

He paused for a long time, staring at his hands. It wasn't a decision he should make so lightly, but in his head it just didn't seem so difficult. "I don't do anything dodgy. I'm not killing anyone, or being some crazy science experiment, and no one is plugging cameras into my head. I'm doing this for—to stop the Reapers."

"Of course," Miranda said with a slight nod. "The Illusive Man was particularly specific in his request for you. He believes that your presence may be a grounding element for the Commander."

"…alright then."

* * *

Once Joker joined, Chakwas fell easily. She'd hated her post at the hospital, she hated being planet side; couldn't stand the peace and quiet. So when the perfect Miss Lawson had approached her and told her that Cerberus needed a Doctor for a special assignment that Jeff had accepted, she barely asked questions. She came willingly, perhaps even eagerly.

"I wish they'd tell me something," Joker said, his arm leaning against the console in his room. Cerberus digs were _nice_. They spent extra time making sure that only the best sheets were used – none of those scratchy Alliance scraps – and that apartments were fitted with personal touches. Joker had taken a particular liking to his fish tank and watching the pretty colored fish flit back and forth between the weeds.

"It isn't our business to know, I suspect."

"But something. C'mon, we've been sitting around _waiting_ for months. And months, and months, and months! I ask and they can't even tell me if he's awake?"

"Jeff…" Chakwas started, but Joker held up his hand. She didn't believe Cerberus when they said they could bring Commander Shepard back from the dead. She was a Doctor. She didn't believe in miracles.

But they had to be able to. The way Joker figured it was they had done so many fucked up things…it was about time they did something right.

It had kept him going. He had given up and then Cerberus waved a carrot at his nose. Of course he followed. And through all the surgery, all the pain, he held one belief firmly in his mind: Shepard was coming back. He looked down at the heavy braces on his legs that held the strange web of support around raw surgical wounds. He'd had to endure hours of surgery to reinforce his limbs; his bones weaved with a strengthened lattice, his muscles covered with a web of microfiber padding to prevent tearing and to protect his bones. It was worth it. He was going to walk up to Shepard and he was going to be able to shake hands with him without worrying about snapping a bone. And if the time came again then he would be able to help himself escape a burning ship.

Though he really hoped it didn't come to that again.

"How are your legs?" Chakwas asked.

"Oh yeah, great. Excruciating pain, horrible wounds, can't stand—"

"Jeff…"

He sighed. "No, I mean it. Great. Yeah, it hurts now but even you know they're going to heal and I'll be able to _walk_. Without stupid braces and crutches. Sure it wont be good, and don't expect me to get up and dance on the tabletops, but I'll be able to get down a hall and take a shower without worrying about how many bones I'm going to snap. Maybe I'll finally be of use to him."

"And what if the Commander isn't revived?" She sounded like she had trouble even saying the words, finding them so unbelievable.

"Look, Doc, just shut up with the pessimism. They're going to do it. They have to."

"We haven't seen Miss Lawson in months. It's very likely that their experiments went wrong and they have discontinued treatment."

"Then why the hell am I still here? Face it, Doc. No one needs me. The only reason I'm here is for the Commander. If there was no hope then they would probably throw me out the nearest airlock, not continue to waste credits on the poor crippled guy and his care."

Chakwas didn't reply but he could see her biting her bottom lip in thought. She knew he had a point. While Joker was an amazing pilot, the amount they must be spending on his treatments would far outweigh his possible use.

"See. I'm right, you're wrong."

He had hope. He wasn't going to let anyone take that from him, old friend or not. But he had to know. It had been more than a year, surely. Time all seemed to blur together considering the state Cerberus had found him in. It was time they told him something. Anything. Just something else to keep his hope alive.

And bugging people was something that Joker did well. He was an incredibly persistent person and didn't take no for an answer. Doctors, nurses, therapists and operatives he pushed and pushed until one gave up and allowed him to contact Miranda Lawson.

_From: Operative / Lazarus / Miranda Lawson_

_ENCODE / [decryption complete]_

_RE: Let me see him_

_Of course, Mr Moreau. All you had to do was ask._


	5. Eyes Closed

Knowledge came from hindsight. At the time, most things sounded like a good idea. At the time, Joker had wanted to see Shepard. More than anything else he had wanted to know he was alive, that Cerberus weren't just lying to him and that Chakwas was wrong in her doubts.

"Oh God…" He leaned heavily against the window, staring into the surgical room. His legs shook, nails pressed hard against the glass as the image burned into his brain. His legs gave out, the shaking of his body causing his crutches to slip and he banged into the window and slid down to the ground against the wall, pressing his hands against his eyes.

"Doctor! Get over here. Make sure he hasn't broken anything," Miranda snapped to someone in the confused crowd gathered in the hallway. A Doctor shuffled over but Joker shied away when their hands came towards him. He wanted to scream but his throat was dry. That…pile of flesh and bone was not Shepard. It couldn't be.

"You wanted to see him. I've granted you that privilege. You have seen more than most Cerberus Officers have. You should thank me."

"Thank you?" Joker snapped. "Are you crazy?" He glared up at her. She was standing there with that damn smug look on her face, hand on her hip. He wanted to slap her.

"I knew you didn't believe me when I told you that Shepard would live. You wanted to believe me but you're a smart man, you believe what your eyes show you. Shepard is alive, Mr Moreau."

Another Doctor handed her a data pad. She looked down at it for a moment, moving the information across the screen until she came to the section she wanted and lowered the data pad to his eye level. With a wave of her hand, she dismissed the two Doctors. Joker wasn't screaming in pain and he wasn't bleeding – she figured he was fine. When he raised his hand and took the data pad, she could see him shaking, but she didn't comment.

"I don't understand medical jargon…" he mumbled as he looked at the screen. Diagrams and the constant readouts from sensors blipped across the screen. The main diagram was the shape of a man with orange marks pinpointed across the body. He tapped one – the heart – and it brought up another overlay. Cybernetics. He felt his sharp intake of air rattle down his body.

"There was understandably a lot of damage to the body," Miranda said. "Cerberus is sparing no expense."

Joker went back to the previous screen and clicked on another node, then another. What were they building here; a mech? How much of Shepard would be human?

"But I can assure you that Shepard will return exactly how he was. The Illusive Man was very insistent that we not alter him. I wanted to put a control chip into him to ensure his loyalty."

"You what? How dare you!"

"Please, Mr Moreau. I said 'wanted'. The Illusive Man didn't agree."

He looked back down at the data pad. Was this right? Of course he wanted Shepard back, but… He wanted _Shepard_ back, not a machine. He took a deep breath and placed the data pad on the ground next to him. He had to see. It was horrible, but he had to see. Miranda was right – he believed tangible things, he believed what his senses told him, believed facts and data. He grabbed one of his fallen crutches and steadied himself against it, hauling himself up carefully to lean against the window, his eyes closed.

In his mind he could see Shepard's face. His quirky smile – his lips always were a little crooked when he smiled – and the scar on his left cheek and lip. The way his dark blue eyes would shine when he laughed and burn when he was angry, even if he didn't let the emotion out. Joker tried to keep that image in mind when he opened his eyes and looked back into the room. Damn it was hard, though. Machines buzzed, moving mechanical arms cut and stitched, and Doctors hovered around the body – what one might call a body – of _Shepard._ Joker put his hand to his mouth, his eyes burning. His commanding officer, his friend, his…

"Well?" Miranda asked. She moved to stand next to him, folding her arms, her graceful fingers settling against the tight second skin of her suit.

"He's alive."

"Yes. There is brain activity."

"But—"

"I know it looks grim, but I can assure you he _is_ alive. It will take time to complete the reconstruction. If this is the assurance you needed to continue then we have given it to you."

Joker ran his hand down the window. This didn't eradicate his concerns. He hadn't imagined it would be like this. In his mind, Shepard was whole but asleep, or in a coma, but not like this. But this was Shepard and this was the truth of the situation.

Sometimes it was better to be a little blind.

* * *

" _Wake up, Commander."_

Pain ripped through him. He could feel the cool of the bed he was laying on and could see the white of the ceiling through his blurred vision. He tried to raise his hand to his pounding head but his arm didn't respond normally and he smacked himself in the cheek, wincing at the new pain from his face.

Where the hell was he?

" _Shepard, do you hear me?"_

Sounds flooded into his brain and immediately his body, his training, took over. Gunfire, explosions, fire; it all screamed at his most basic instincts. Get up, get out, hopefully find a weapon somewhere along the way.

" _Get out of the bed now. This facility is under attack."_

Facility?

The last thing he remembered was the _Normandy_ being attacked. He'd gone back for Joker. Shepard remembered grabbing his arm and the helmsman's cry of pain that had made his gut twinge with concern. But they didn't have time. Joker got to the shuttle and then… Shepard put his hand back to his head. He could almost remember, as though the memory was sitting just behind a fogged window. He could see Joker's face, hear him screaming his name and then nothing but fuzziness.

He groaned and rubbed his chin, trying to move his aching jaw.

" _Shepard, your scars aren't healed yet but I need you to get moving. This facility is under attack!"_

He pulled himself up, grunting in pain as something pulled along his abdomen. The bright lights of the room blared into his eyes and pain manifested deeper in his skull, but whoever was speaking to him over the PA had a very good point to make. The room shook from an explosion and he could see fire through the glass windows. The room was definitely a surgery. Why was he here? Shepard pulled the blanket off him. Naked. Great. Every soldier's nightmare – to wake up injured, naked, alone and in the middle of a warzone.

" _There are clothes and a pistol in a locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!"_

The voice sounded familiar. His mind flashed a memory of a face. Long hair. A smile. But nothing else.

He slid off the bed onto the cold floor, his toes tingling. His whole body felt sensitive – too sensitive. Shepard nervously licked at the scar on his lip – only to find no scar. He grabbed at his lip and ran his finger across them both, searching for the scar. Gone.

What the _hell_ was going on?

He had to hunch over, grabbing his abdomen as he hobbled to the promised locker. Another explosion rocked the room. Whatever was happening, it was getting closer. He ripped open the locker and, sure enough, inside he found a set of clothing and a pistol. He didn't have long but he was a marine, he was used to dressing fast. He pulled on the clothes as quick as he could, the sound of gunshots approaching, and slid on the boots. Everything was his size – in fact, they were tailored specifically for him. He didn't have time to wonder what was going on but the questions sure were piling up the more he continued. The disappearance of his scar, yet acquiring some new, glowing ones, the tailored clothes, the facility and the battle, and why his hair was shaved to barely a stubble over his skull.

" _There is an amp in the case on the desk. You don't have much time."_

His hand shot up to the port at the back of his neck. "Damn…" he groaned; his voice was scratchy, throat constricting as he tried to speak. He grabbed the pistol and clipped it into the holster on his thigh. Training forced him through the pain and confusion. It was something a marine could always fall back on when in danger. He found the small box on the desk and flicked it open, revealing the amp cushioned into the foam padding. He took a deep breath before clicking it into his port. The surge of power ran through him, sparking each node in his body. It always caused a grunt of discomfort; not quite pain but a rush that would force the air from his lungs.

" _You don't have time, Shepard! Arm your weapon and get down."_

He pulled the pistol from his thigh and slid to the ground behind a stack of metal crates just as an explosion ripped the door open.

" _Someone's hacking security to try to kill you. Look for a thermal clip for your pistol!"_

Shepard looked over the crates but nothing approached the newly opened door. But what the _fuck_ was a thermal clip? He looked at his pistol and aimed across the room and pulled the trigger, his muscles bracing slightly for the recoil, but nothing. His brow furrowed. New tech, perhaps? Shepard jumped over the crates and towards the second set of doors. On the ground was a glowing cube the same shape as the space on the top of the pistol. He swiped it up and clipped it to the pistol, hearing the click of the mag-locks and could smell the faint odour of eezo as the weapon powered.

"What the hell is going on…" he grumbled and bashed the control panel.

" _Looks like they set up a barricade to try hold the mechs off. Look out!"_

Shepard launched himself over the barricade as the doors at the other end of the room slid open and two security mechs trudged into the room. He found his cover – a small wall in the centre of the room – and rushed behind it as a bullet flew past him. He didn't have time for this. Security mechs? They had to be kidding. He tensed his fist and almost unconsciously connected the right nodes along his body as he thrust his hand forward releasing a wave of energy; except it didn't go quite as he expected. He felt the ozone burn around his skin and across the room the mechs went flying, one banging against the wall and shattering into pieces, the other flying into the air and slamming through the low glass divide, slumping as its core went offline. His eyes went wide and he looked at his hand. He had meant to throw one mech against the ceiling and shoot the other. His body burned and he was acutely aware of each node implanted in his body like he had never been before. He had been implanted with them when he was seventeen and after years of learning to use his biotics they had become a part of him, like fingers, but now they felt…different. But he couldn't explain how.

" _Keep moving. We need to get you to the shuttles."_

Whoever was talking to him was damn insistent and a little too demanding for someone he didn't know. Ahead he could see fire through the window and two men shooting into the blaze.

"Hey!" Shepard cried, but they didn't hear him. One was thrown back against the window and as he slid down blood streaked the pane. "Shit!" A huge mech walked out of the fire, rocket launcher on one arm and rotary cannon on the other.

" _Don't waste time. I can't keep the mechs distracted for long."_

Shepard frowned. He was really starting to hate this woman. Her thickly accented voice, her demands – did she have absolutey no sympathy for the people dying in this place? Wasn't she a little concerned? But there wasn't anything he could do to help dead men and he really didn't want that mech anywhere near him, so he moved on through the doors. Upon the woman's insistence he made it through various rooms until the comm line started to waiver.

" _Shepard—Shepard! Get to—"_

Dead. Maybe she was dead too? He couldn't think about that. He didn't know her and she hadn't exactly endeared herself to him. Shepard slammed his fist on the control panel and pressed himself against the door when he heard shots. He peered around the corner and saw a man taking cover against gunfire from across the room.

He stormed through the gunfire and slid into cover next to him. Definitely a soldier with that physique, good with a pistol and Shepard was pretty sure he was a biotic.

"What are you doing here? Thought you were still a work in progress."

Shepard didn't answer, instead leaning over the railing and taking out two mechs that entered the room, dropping them with a shot each to the head.

"Least you can still shoot straight," the man said. "This must be worse than I thought if Miranda's got you running around. I'll fill you in, but we better get you to the shuttle first."

"I don't think we have time for questions, but I have a bunch saved up for later. For now, I'm following you."

"We're low on thermal clips, but I'm a biotic. Just give the order when you want me to hit them with the good stuff."

Suspicion confirmed. "Give 'em hell," Shepard ordered and the man burned with energy before releasing a wave across the gap between their platform and the one across the room. One mech flew into the air and then crashed to the ground, bouncing off the guard rail. The other mech flew against the wall.

Impressive.

"Let's go," Shepard said. "What's the quickest way off this station?"

"Depends—"

" _Check. Check. Anyone else on this frequency? Anyone else still alive out there? Hello?"_

"Wilson! This is Jacob. I'm here with Commander Shepard. Just took out a wave of mechs in D Wing."

" _Shepard's alive? How the hell… Never mind. You need to get him out of there. Get to some service tunnels and head for the network control room."_

"Roger that, Wilson. Stay on this frequency!"

"Who's that? Wait, never mind. Let's just get the hell out of here. Lead the way."

It had been a long time since Shepard followed someone else into battle but he did so willingly this time. Jacob seemed to have his wits about him and he knew this station. Jacob easily led them through the corridors swarming with security mechs and he was efficient at dispatching them quickly. Whoever he had served under had trained him well. Shepard knew he had to have been Alliance at one point in his life – he had the movement, had formation down and was acutely aware of where the rest of his squad was while moving. He looked back at Shepard occasionally, concerned; but his fears were allayed with a curt nod.

" _Oh God, they found me. Help!"_

Shepard missed most of the dialogue that passed between Wilson and Jacob, blood pounding in his ears. The pressure just behind his eyes was building up and it felt like his face and abdomen were being sliced open each time his boots struck the ground. As they stumbled into another room, he spotted the man on the ground, blood seeping from the wound on his leg.

"Jacob! Shepard! Down here. Bastards got me in the leg."

Jacob knelt down next to him. "There should be some medi-gel in the first aid station on the wall. Hopefully there's enough to get him up and moving again."

If only medi-gel could soothe a headache or rub aching muscles. He was beginning to understand what Kaidan had suffered through all those years as the pain throbbing in his head grew worse. He grabbed the medi-gel from the cabinet and threw it back to Jacob. He leaned against the wall and waited, his eyes closed. He needed to be more in control of this situation but at the moment he felt anything _but_ in control. He was running on pure adrenalin, sweat pouring off his body.

He heard Wilson's appreciative hum when the medi-gel took effect and he dragged himself to his feet. "Thanks, Shepard. Never thought you'd save my life. Guess that makes us even then."

Shepard looked him up and down. Another flash of the woman's face came to mind. But he remembered this man's voice. From where?

" _He's responding to outside stimuli. Showing an awareness of his surroundings. My God, Miranda. I think he's waking up!"_

Wilson was there. He had woken up before in that surgery room. He was sure he had woken up before. That woman had smiled at him. He remembered her smile and gentle eyes.

"I thought maybe I could shut down the security mechs. But whoever did this fried the entire system. Completely irreversible."

Jacob frowned. "I didn't ask what you were doing. Why do you even have security mech clearance. You were in the bio wing."

Shepard looked at Jacob. He had narrowed his eyes, sizing Wilson up. He didn't know who these people were but something seemed off. As a marine, once you had learned to follow orders you learned to trust your gut.

"Weren't you listening?" Wilson threw up his arms, shaking his head. "I came here to try and fix this! Besides, I was shot. How do you explain that?"

Yelling – the last thing he needed right now. Shepard lifted his hand between them. "I dunno who either of you are. I just want to get the hell out of here. I'll solve any other problems after."

They both fell silent. Thankfully.

"Right, Shepard. We need to find Miranda. We can't leave her behind."

"Forget about Miranda! She was over in D Wing. The mechs were all over that sector. There's no way she survived."

Shepard growled and it was enough to stop the two men bickering again. He couldn't take much more of this. He didn't know who the hell Miranda was and didn't care about these guys and their accusations – he just wanted to get off this damn station. "Look, I don't know her and there's no way for us to help her now."

"Shepard is right. We need to save ourselves. Let's get out of here!"

Smarter words were never spoken. Shepard swapped out his thermal clip with another he had found on the floor to stop the pistols incessant beeping and turned to leave.

"OK, but this is getting tense," Jacob said, making no progress toward the door. Shepard stopped and looked over his shoulder. "Shepard, if I tell you who we work for, will you trust me?"

Trust. That was a big ask from people he had just met. Especially when they said things like that. "Depends on what you tell me."

Jacob sighed. "The Lazarus Project. The program that rebuilt you… It's funded and controlled by Cerberus."

His mind flooded with images. The Rachni Queen begging for her life, the confused colonists of Feros, experiments, cruelty…

The Thresher Maws.

" _Get down!" Shepard felt two strong hands shove him out of the way. He crashed into a solid wall, his helmet banging against the stone. It was enough to daze him and he stumbled backwards, landing in the dirt. Above him he saw the giant creature burst out of the sand and plunge towards the Lieutenant that had pushed him. Its huge maw ingested everything – the soldier, the dirt and stone around him. Then it was gone. The ground rumbled, rocks flying overhead, debris bouncing off his helmet and armour. Shepard hugged his rifle to his chest, his body trembling. They were all gone._

He stumbled backwards against the wall and drew his pistol, pointing it at Jacob. "Cerberus!" Venom dripped from his voice and his finger shook on the trigger. Jacob took a step backwards but didn't reach to defend himself. "I wiped out my share of Cerberus projects when I was a Spectre. Back then, they were trying to kill me. Why the change of heart?"

Jacob slowly held up his hands. "Those answers are way above my pay grade, but basically…things change. The Alliance declared you dead. They gave up. Cerberus spent a fortune to bring you back."

Shepard bit down on his tongue, trying to steady his hand. Cerberus! Out of everyone in the universe. "Shit!" He lowered the pistol. What the hell had happened to him? The _Normandy_ burning, getting Joker into the shuttle…hitting the control…yelling in his earpiece. Yelling… He squeezed his eyes shut.

" _Shepard!"_

Joker… He'd sounded so distraught. Stars filtered past his eyes in the endless expanse of the universe. He could see the burning hull of the _Normandy_ falling towards Alchera and could hear the hiss of oxygen leaving his suit.

"I…died."

There was another pause until Jacob nodded. "Look, I'd be suspicious too, but right now we have to work together. I thought you deserved to know what's what."

He could feel his legs trembling. The only thing supporting him was sheer determination and the solid wall at his back. Dead. How could he have died? He had pushed Joker into the shuttle – their fingers had touched and he had let his hand brush against Joker's side as he helped him – and then the hull had ripped open behind him. For a moment he had hopes of surviving but that quickly became a fantasy. The pressure pulled him away from the shuttle and Joker's voice flooded his comms. His fingers caught the wall and he looked at the eject button. He wasn't going to make it, but Joker could. Their eyes had met for a brief moment before he slammed his fist on the panel and the shuttle was thrown out into space. Joker would be safe.

" _Shepard!"_

He was thrown against the hull and his vision went white. He remembered his vision clearing and the eerie calm of space, watching pieces of his ship float past him as they descended towards the planet's atmosphere; then the beeping and the warning signals on his HUD, the terrifying hiss of air flooding from his suit. Panic had overtaken common sense and he grabbed the hose at the back of his head. It was far too late but in retrospect it was probably better to die from oxygen deprivation than to burn up on re-entry. His last thoughts hadn't been so bad; delirious, nonsensical, but pleasant.

"Let's get out of here," he said. He'd deal with this later. Right now, like it or not, he was stuck with Cerberus.

Wilson ran ahead, leading the way to the shuttle hanger. It wasn't far and the only resistance they met was more security mechs, which were easy to take down. If someone really was looking out for him, Shepard wanted to buy them a drink. He'd never felt more tired, his boots dragging along the floor as they moved through the hallways. His aim was true, but each shot shook his body, his brain rattling in his skull. The shuttles were perhaps the best thing he had seen in a very long time.

"C'mon, through here. We're almost at the—" Wilson opened the shuttle doors and took a slight step back, just as the woman standing there put a bullet through his brain.

Shepard raised his pistol, pointing it at the woman.

"What the hell are you doing?" Jacob asked.

"My job. Wilson betrayed us all."

That voice. It was the woman on the PA that had guided him from the surgery. The accent was unmistakeable. But it was more than that; looking at her, he knew that this was the same woman he had seen the first time he had woken on the operating table. Funny, she didn't look so kind now. 

"You should have taken him alive," Shepard said and lowered his gun. "See what he knew."

Miranda turned to look at him and there was a brief change in her demeanour, a softening to the expression in her eyes, but it was gone just as soon as he saw it. "Too risky. I've put too much time and effort bringing you back to life to let you get killed now."

"You really think Wilson's capable of that?" Jacob asked, looking back at the corpse on the floor.

"Not anymore," Miranda replied with a smug grin.

Shepard smiled. She was cocky. He kind of liked that. "What's our next step?"

"We get on the shuttle and go. My boss wants to speak to you."

"You mean the Illusive Man? I know you work for Cerberus."

"Ah, Jacob. I should have known your conscience would get the better of you."

"Lying to the Commander isn't the way to get him to join our cause."

Shepard hummed. "Let's go. I've had enough of this base to last a lifetime."

"Or two, in your case." Miranda smirked at him and turned, walking through towards the shuttle.

Shepard watched her for a moment, the swaying of her hips and the long lines of her legs. While he wasn't interested, he could appreciate beauty when he saw it and Miranda definitely showcased what one might call perfection. He gave a short huff of a laugh and followed, thankful for two minutes to himself to sit once he toppled into the shuttle seat. It wasn't comfortable, he felt cold now that his body was relaxing and he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and sleep. But sitting would be enough.

"Are you alright, Commander?" Jacob asked.

"Yeah, fine." He wasn't fine. His mind was racing with new revelations, head pounding with pain. He wasn't fine at all.

"Before you meet with the Illusive Man, we need to ask a few questions to evaluate your condition," Miranda said, leaning forward slightly in her seat.

"What, we have to do this now?" Jacob asked, incredulous.

"We should have done weeks of testing to confirm the success of Project Lazarus. A few questions during the shuttle ride will have to suffice."

Shepard sighed and leaned against the seat, resting his head back. He really wanted them to stop talking. He was still trying to come to grips with the fact that he had _died._ Dead people didn't come back to life. He rubbed his hands across his face and looked back at Miranda and Jacob. "Ask away. Though if you're trying to prove that I'm not a zombie, I don't know if I can help you." He saw Jacob smirk, trying to stifle a laugh.

"After you enlisted, you survived a Thresher Maw attack that wiped out the rest of your team. Do you remember that?" Jacob asked.

" _Get down!" Strong hands shoving him back. The Thresher Maw swallowing the Lieutenant whole._

Of course he remembered. "Screaming, gunfire…blood everywhere. I remember." He glared at them. "I also remember why it happened."

"More than 50 marines died on Akuze," Jacob continued, dodging the accusation.

"Let's try something more recent. Virmire, where you destroyed Saren's cloning facility. You had to leave one of your squad behind to die in the blast—"

"Don't you dare bring up Ash!" Shepard pointed his finger straight at Miranda. "Just…don't. I left a friend to die that day. Ash gave her life for the rest of the team. She died a hero." He shuffled back in his seat again, lowering his hand to grip at the hard plastic. "We're done here."

Miranda stared at his white knuckles and decided that enough was enough. It was best not to push someone this close to the edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes it's small things that don't make sense - like Shepard waking up in the facility already dressed. Hence, here he woke up naked, as a patient built from scratch probably would be.


	6. Loyalty

Showering and sleeping seemed further away than he liked. He'd been dragged back to life by means he could only imagine, run through a gauntlet of gunfire and confusion, been harassed by two Cerberus Officers and now dumped in a holosuite.

The Illusive Man. Shepard wasn't sure what he had expected. Perhaps someone more intimidating? This man was just a man; a snappy dresser with a golden tongue and cybernetic eyes, but just a man.

"I thought we'd be meeting face to face," Shepard said, folding his arms across his chest. Wherever the Illusive Man was based, it wasn't anywhere near this station.

"How are you feeling?" the Illusive Man asked, tapping his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray.

"I noticed a few upgrades. Hope you didn't replace anything really important. I liked everything where it was before."

"We tried to keep you as intact as possible."

"Mm," Shepard hummed again but touched his fingers to his lip. It seemed sensible that if someone was going to rebuild his body they wouldn't recreate unnecessary scars, but he found himself missing them. Those scars had been badges; physical reminders of what he'd done and gone through in his life. He got the scar on his lip when he was sixteen and lived with it as a constant reminder of what had happened to his family and friends. "What are the Reapers doing that you decided to bring me back. Seems like a lot of creds to waste on one guy."

There was a pause before the Illusive Man stood, his hologram wavering momentarily. "We're at war. No one wants to admit it but humanity is under attack. While you've been sleeping, entire colonies have been disappearing. Human colonies."

Sleeping. Yeah, that was one way to put it. Exactly how long had he been 'asleep'?

"We believe someone is working for the Reapers. Just as Saren and the Geth aided Sovereign."

And this is where he came into the picture, he guessed. Shepard sighed. "So you brought me back because I've done it before. Since the Council doesn't believe the Reapers even exist." Not even in death, it seemed, could he escape this. He reached up and rubbed the back of his neck. "Just point me in the right direction."

"Miranda was worried you'd be resistant. She's not usually wrong."

"Don't think I've forgotten what Cerberus is. I haven't. I never will." Shepard took a step back, digging his fingers into his arm when he folded his arms. "But if human colonies are being taken out and I'm guessing the Council is doing sweet F-all about it, then I'm not going to stand around and let that happen. Just tell your little Cerberus lackeys that I'm in charge. I'm not about to start taking orders from Miranda. She's got a bad temper that seems to end with people getting shot in the face."

The Illusive Man took another drag from his cigarette, but did Shepard see a smile? "Miranda did exactly what I expected of her. She saved your life in more ways than one. I have a shuttle waiting to take you to Freedom's Progress. The latest colony to be abducted."

"Get me some armour and some proper guns and I'll find out what happened to the colony."

* * *

But it was the last thing he wanted to do. Two painkillers and a new set of armour in his trademark black and red weren't enough to give him the enthusiasm for another mission. He was sweaty and tired, had a pain behind his eyes and at the base of his neck, and could really go for a hot meal.

But he knew this was important. He didn't want to work for Cerberus, but he could work _with_ them if it meant saving colonies. So he dragged his tired body around the deserted base; Freedom's Progress a snowy, desolate wasteland. He had tried speaking to Miranda before they left but any niceness that she had shown earlier was gone. She had all but bitten his head off when he tried to ask her questions about Cerberus, the mission, or her own past. So he gave up. He knew better than to push at a brick wall. He stared at her back as she ran ahead of him, still in the same ridiculously inappropriate uniform and high heels – how could she run around in that?

"Looks like everyone just got up and left in the middle of dinner," Jacob said, poking at a full plate of food on the table with the butt of his rifle.

Shepard blinked and rubbed at his temple. "Yeah. This isn't normal."

The only resistance they met was security mechs and a pair of dog-like FENRIS mechs that were put down by Jacob before they even got close to their position.

"It's too dead. Someone programmed those mechs to attack us," Miranda said as Shepard ran ahead of her to take point. Jacob pressed the door release and they stopped dead as the doors slid open.

"Hold it right there!"

Shepard's team raised their guns and were met with a similar squad staring them down. Quarians.

"Prazza! You said you would let me handle this."

Shepard froze. He would recognize that voice anywhere. "…Tali?" He lowered his weapon and waved his hand at Miranda and Jacob. Jacob lowered his gun first but it took Miranda another moment of suspicion for her to follow his order.

"Wait. Shepard?" Tali turned and looked him up and down. She looked…different. Amazing. Her suit was new, draped in purple fabric with intricate silver swirls. But it wasn't just the suit; she held herself differently, she spoke differently. "You're alive?"

"Cerberus rebuilt me," Shepard said, but it was hard to keep the scepticism out of his voice. "I'm investigating what happened here."

"Forgive us for not taking you at your word, Cerberus!" Prazza said.

"Put those weapons down!" Tali snapped at her team.

"I'd like to know what the Quarians are doing here. This is a human colony. We're well within our rights to be here," Miranda said and folded her arms, rocking to rest her weight on mostly one leg. She was not at all concerned with guns pointed at her. She had the nerve of a soldier, even if she hadn't the training.

Tali sighed and stepped between Prazza and the Cerberus team. "One of our people was here on Pilgrimage. We came to find him. When he saw us landing he hid in a warehouse on the far side of town. We suspect he reprogrammed the mechs to attack anything that moved."

"We'll look for him while we investigate the disappearance of the colonists. Head back to your ship and I'll let you know if we find him."

"I'm not letting Cerberus take over!" Prazza snapped and pushed past Tali.

"Neither am I, Prazza." Tali looked at Shepard and, although he couldn't see her eyes, he had become very good at reading the Quarian's body language over the time he had known her. Tali had always been one of his favourite squad mates; she was an amazing engineer, a highly trained soldier, but more importantly she had been fun, sweet, and was always full of intrigue and wonder. She came to him when she had problems, but was willing to shoulder the problems of others. But now…he could see the distrust she held. Distrust for Cerberus.

Distrust of him.

"I can't just let Cerberus handle this." She shifted nervously from one leg to the other and Shepard felt his heart drop in his chest. He had to swallow hard, trying not to choke. After everything they had been through he thought Tali would always trust him implicitly.

"I understand," Shepard said and turned, motioning to Jacob. "We'll head across the compound and see if we can make it to the warehouse and find your man."

"Veetor was always…nervous in large crowds," Tali said, wringing her hands together. "Please don't startle him."

"…be careful, Tali." He left and didn't look at her again. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. One of his best friends and she didn't trust him. She acted like he was a stranger! He gritted his teeth as they ran across the compound but at least, for now, the rage and disbelief was drowning out the pain.

Actually finding the missing Quarian wasn't so hard. Take down some mechs, watch most of Tali's team get obliterated by a giant mech…

"Shepard, get down!" Miranda yelled as a rocket burned overhead. He threw himself at the ground and rolled over to a crate, pressing his back against the metal.

"Shepard!" Another rocket and the crate shattered, searing hot metal slashing through the air. His ears were ringing and all he could see was the snowy ground in front of his face as he dragged himself toward cover. He had no idea where the mech was – for all he knew it could be right above him. A warm, gloved hand grabbed his forearm and dragged him to his feet as his vision realigned itself. He looked at Jacob and stumbled against him. Miranda ran in front of them, throwing her arm forward. Her biotics were even more impressive than Jacob's. The large YMIR mech stumbled backwards, the cannon breaking off its arm. Shepard winced and raised his pistol and took aim before wasting his heat sink as he riddled the mech with bullets.

"It's going to blow!"

Shepard felt Jacob drag him to the ground. Was he that pathetic that he couldn't look after himself? The explosion rocked behind him, the entire area flooding with bright light and again all he could see was snow. He had bitten his tongue as he fell, tasting blood coating his mouth.

Yeah, he was that pathetic.

He pressed the button on his Omni-tool and the face guard on his helmet slid open so he could spit the blood out of his mouth. "Least I still bleed. I was beginning to think I might ooze oil."

"You alright, Commander?" Jacob asked from the ground next to him.

Shepard looked at the red blood splattered on the snow. "Yeah. I think I am. C'mon, let's find the Quarian."

He felt like a new recruit. Cerberus had fucked up somewhere, he was sure of it. His biotics were off, he felt weak and strange and out of place, like he was living in a body not his own.

"There," Miranda said, pointing to the warehouse. It was easy enough to hack the security lock and inside sat the Quarian. Talking to himself.

"Monsters coming back. Mechs will protect. Safe from swarms. Have to hide. No monsters. No swarms. No, no, no, no, no!"

Nice to know he wasn't the only crazy one.

"Nobody's going to hurt you anymore," Shepard said but the Quarian didn't reply, his hands flying over the console as he worked.

"I don't think he can hear you, Commander."

Shepard sighed and looked at his Omni-tool. A couple clicks of the buttons and the screens the Quarian was working on disappeared one by one. It was enough to stop his ramblings and bring his focus to them. They didn't get much out of him, but Shepard never expected to in the first place. He knew shock when he saw it. Plus he was sure this guy wasn't exactly…screwed together right. But they got what they came for – Collectors.

"We need to get this information to the Illusive Man," Miranda said. "Grab the Quarian and call the shuttle."

Shepard opened his mouth to reply but the door sliding open behind him cut him off.

Tali.

"Veetor is injured! He needs treatment, not an interrogation."

"No one's taking him anywhere, Tali," Shepard said and raised his hands, trying to calm her. Goddamn, they weren't taking a messed up Quarian with them to throw to the Illusive Man.

"The Quarians tried to betray us once already. If we let her take him we'll never get the intel we need."

"Prazza was an idiot!" Tali snapped, facing Miranda down. "You're welcome to take Veetor's Omni-tool data but please…just let me take him home."

Shepard stepped forward, licking nervously at his bottom lip. "Tali…you don't have to take Veetor and go. Come with me. Just like old times."

Tali took a step backwards, away from him. "I'm still trying to accept that you're alive. I've got responsibilities now – a mission of my own! I can't walk away from that…not even for you."

"We're ready for pickup," Jacob said, touching his hand to his earpiece as the comm signal came through.

* * *

"Shepard. Good work on Freedom's Progress."

"Let's make this short. My head is splitting."

The Illusive Man smirked and took a sip from his glass. "The Quarians forwarded their findings from Veetor's debriefing. No new data. You and I have different methods, but I can't argue with your results."

"You ever tried playing nice?"

"Diplomacy is nice when it works but difficult when everyone already perceives you as a threat."

"Cerberus _is_ a threat. I wasn't about to turn over an innocent Quarian for you to turn into a lab rat."

He was getting sick of speaking to the Illusive Man already. This had been a setup. He had already known about the Collectors. They hadn't even needed to go down to that damn colony. He could have avoided the whole confrontation with Tali.

Tali… She had just about run from him. She had been scared to even let him near her. Would everyone think of him like that? If he came across Garrus, or Liara, would they run from him? Would Garrus try to shoot him between the eyes?

He didn't care about the Collector's right now, or the Reapers, or colonies going missing. He knew he should, but he was tired and felt ill and wanted to douse himself in a hot shower before crawling into bed. It sounded childish but, goddamn, he had been through a lot today. It wasn't everyday you found out you'd been brought back from the dead and that everyone you knew before was likely to hate you.

"I've compiled a list of soldiers, scientists and mercenaries. I've sent you their dossiers. Be ready."

"I had a good team. I don't need you telling me who I run with. Where's Garrus? Liara? Or Tali? She was on Freedom's Progress – I might be able to convince her to come with me with a little more time and a little less Cerberus involvement."

"Tali'Zorah's presence on Freedom's Progress was unexpected. But the people I've recommended are some of the best. Go see them and decide for yourself."

Shepard sighed. He supposed he could search for his old team while looking up the Cerberus dogs. It was ultimately up to him whether he brought them aboard.

"Just one thing before you go, Shepard. I've found a pilot you might like. I hear he's one of the best. Someone you can trust." The Illusive Man pressed a button on the console in front of him and the line went dead. Shepard frowned, confused, as he stared at the blank room.

"Hey, Commander. Just like old times, huh?"

He spun around. He would recognize that voice anywhere. That amazing, ridiculously smug, sarcastic voice.

"Joker…"


	7. Tidal Waves

They had told him Shepard was awake…but not without the heart-stopping intel that the station Shepard was on was under attack. These Cerberus jerks always said things so casually and then walked off. But he knew Shepard. A little security scare on a medical station wasn't going to hold him back.

Joker smiled. He was alive. Like, whole and alive, not just a bunch of sensor readouts. But in all honesty…he kind of looked like shit. "You look like you're about to die on me again," Joker said. "You feeling okay, Commander?"

Shepard put his hand to his head, brushing his hand over his stubble of black hair. "I feel like I was run over by the Mako. I've been dragging my feet around like lumps of lead."

"Well maybe I can cheer you up a little," Joker said and motioned for Shepard to follow him. He heard the Commander let out a small laugh behind him.

"Joker, you have no idea…"

They walked back up the stairs and through the corridors in silence. Joker wasn't really sure what to say in the face of _too damn much_ to say.

"…I can't believe it's you, Joker."

Joker smirked. "Look who's talking. I saw you get spaced."

"Got lucky. With a lot of strings attached. How'd you get here?"

Joker paused for a moment, letting the Commander reach his side before he continued. "It all fell apart without you, Commander. Everything you stirred up the Council just wanted it gone. Team was broken up, records sealed, and I was grounded." Joker heard Shepard make a disapproving noise in his throat. "Alliance took away the one thing that mattered to me. Hell yeah I joined Cerberus."

"You really trust the Illusive Man?"

Joker shook his head. "I don't trust anyone who makes more than I do. But they aren't all bad. They brought you back…" He paused at the door, his hand poised above the lock. He could feel Shepard staring at him. He wouldn't go more into it here, but Shepard deserved to know. It wasn't about flying – though that was a nice bonus – it was about righting a wrong and making up for lost time. He wouldn't make the same mistake again. "Oh, and then there's this…" He opened the door and led Shepard to the window to look out at the hanger. "They only told me last night."

He smiled as Shepard leaned closer to the window, peering into the darkened hanger as the lights flashed on, the bright glow bouncing of the perfect steel hull, the fresh paint emblazoned with 'SR2'. "It's good to be home, huh, Commander?"

And Joker couldn't stop himself smiling when Shepard looked at him. This was the Shepard he knew; his dark blue eyes reflecting his inner emotions, his lips quirked into that familiar smile.

"I guess we'll have to give her a name," Shepard said, but they both knew the answer.

* * *

Shepard groaned and leaned against the wall as the water rushed over him. Who would have thought a shower could be so rewarding. He'd finished washing himself some time ago, but the sheer pleasure of running water was something he wanted to indulge in. Though the automated timer beeping at him sort of put a dampener on his enjoyment. He sighed and pressed the button, the water cutting out. He supposed it was a bit of a waste. Besides, he couldn't spend all night in here. He grabbed his towel and scrubbed it over himself before securing it around his waist. Cerberus certainly spared no expense. This towel had pile to it and smelled fresh rather than like cleaning chemical.

He stood in front of the mirror. His first chance to really get a good look at himself. Truth be told, he had been putting it off. He had seen the weird scars on his body and tried not to look, but he had to know the truth. And the truth was staring him in the face. He winced and leaned a little closer, raising his fingers to his face. A web-like pattern of scars ripped across his cheek, glowing faintly orange. What the hell was under his skin? He inhaled as he pressed against one of the lines and felt his skin part slightly. Bloody hell, the scars really weren't healed. They didn't bleed but his flesh definitely wasn't meeting up.

"Shit…" He did look like a zombie. His skin was paler than before, scarred, but hell, maybe they shaved a couple years off his age? The wrinkles around his eyes were gone, but so were his familiar scars. He leaned closer to the mirror again and prodded at his lips. Definitely gone, along with the scar across his cheek he got on Akuze. He stepped away from the mirror and he looked at the rest of his body. More glowing scars laced across his chest and abdomen – definitely the worst across his abs. No wonder he'd been in pain – and spread across his arms and legs. He pressed his hand flat against his abs. It felt like skin, flesh and muscle. It sure looked suspect, though.

He left the bathroom. He was clean, had worked most of the aching from his shoulders and had thoroughly inspected his rather scary looking body. Cerberus digs were pretty damn flashy, though. For a room he was spending a single night in, it was nicer than his old quarters on the _Normandy_. The large bed had soft sheets, the desk had the latest extranet terminal and a fish tank set into the wall, and the wardrobe was full of clothes. Well, at least they had given him a choice. Though right now all he wanted to do was eat something and fall asleep, so sweats it was. He pulled out the sweat pants and shirt and frowned – did _everything_ have the Cerberus logo on them? Looking at the rest of the clothes, yes, they did. Along with the towels, the sheets, even the mug on the desk. They sure wanted people to know they were Cerberus. He pulled on the pants, tying them around his waist, idly brushing against scars lacing across his abdomen with a slight wince. He'd have to get a doctor he trusted to take a look at that sometime in the future. When the door chimed, he looked up and rubbed his hands together. That better be someone with some food, otherwise he'd have to grab his pistol and start hunting someone down.

The door slid open when he pressed the release. "Great, only took—"

"Someone told me you were after a hot meal."

Shepard smiled. Of course it was Joker. They weren't even back on a ship and yet here he was, like nothing had ever changed. "How is it that you always know what I need, Joker?" He moved and gestured inside.

"All part of the job," Joker said and moved into the room, taking a quick look around. He placed the heated meal on the desk and pulled off the plastic cover. It may not look like restaurant quality food, but it was way better than they usually got. "Now eat. Because it's been a _long_ time since you've had a proper meal."

Shepard sighed. "Yes, mother." He pulled the loose fitting shirt over his head, but as he did he knew Joker was staring at the scars. Unfortunately, the ones on his face were always going to be visible. He sat down and pulled the fork out of the plastic wrap. It looked like pasta of some sort. Definitely edible. "So, Joker…" He pointed to the other chair, indicating that he should stay. The Illusive Man had got one thing right – he did trust Joker. "No leg braces?" he asked once the helmsman sat down. He was still careful in his movements, but the old Joker couldn't walk without braces and crutches and even then he had extreme difficulty. Now he was walking, carrying trays, moving chairs. He'd obviously received some serious upgrades.

"Joining Cerberus came with an amazing health plan."

"Seems like it. What'd they do?"

Joker leaned back in his chair, pulling on his cap. It was new and matched the Cerberus uniform he was wearing. "A lot of the same upgrades you got. Heavy bone weave, micro-fibre muscle meshing…that and ripping most of my legs apart to reset my bones."

Shepard winced. But Joker was tough. He'd lived with this all of his life. He would have jumped at the chance to _walk_ , never mind the pain. "Bet you've got some nice scars now. Impress the ladies, those will."

"Oh yeah, Commander. But you know I gave up on the ladies after I had to push away the masses with my crutches. Girls just _love_ the crippled guy. There's only one girl for me."

"And your love for your ship is totally normal."

"I've only ever loved one ship, Commander."

Shepard paused for a moment. He had loved the _Normandy_ , too. Perhaps not to the obsessive level Joker had, but the _Normandy_ felt like home. To a serviceman that was an almost unheard of feeling. They had spent so much time on that ship together; staying up at night playing cards, or watching vids in the mess with a few drinks, and it wasn't unheard of for Tali or Liara to fall asleep in his quarters should it get too late – he never had the heart to kick them out. He chewed slowly on another mouthful of pasta, staring at the fish in the tank, watching them slide between the weeds.

"I didn't mean to bring it up," Joker said.

"It's going to come up eventually. Besides, we shouldn't be ashamed. We did all we could and she put up a spectacular fight." He looked at Joker from the corner of his eyes. He knew he'd be feeling guilty. He would always blame himself. But in the end, it was just a ship. A ship that had given them more than they could have asked.

"I should let you get some sleep. Y'know, long day and all."

"How long has it been?"

"Two years."

"…shit." Shepard put down his fork. He placed his head in his hands, rubbing at his temples. Two years? The reality was hard to stomach.

"A lot has changed, Commander."

"No kidding." He looked up at the fish again. In two years, people changed, situations changed. In two years, people died, lost everything, gained more. "Hey, I missed my 30th birthday. Does this mean I'm still 29?"

Joked laughed. "If you want, Commander. We can pretend. I'll buy you something nice next time we swing past the Citadel."

"I saw Tali. Down on Freedom's Progress. She was…different."

"What, Tali was there? What was she doing? Why didn't she come with?"

Shepard sneered in disgust, rubbing at his temple again. "Because I was with Cerberus. She didn't trust me, Joker. She didn't even let me get near her." He thumped his hand down on the table and saw Joker startle. "It's going to be like this for everyone, isn't it? No one will trust me working with Cerberus. I'm a ghost, the walking dead – I'll be lucky if my friends don't try to nail me between the eyes."

"You probably just shocked Tali. You know what she's like. She was pretty cut up when…well, you know. She cares about you and moving on was really hard. Tali would never try to kill you, even if you were a husk. She'd probably let you maul her to death before even suspecting you'd hurt her."

Shepard smiled and unconsciously ran his tongue over the non-existent scar on his bottom lip.

"So relax. We'll find them. That's what you want to do, right?"

"Joker, you know what I want."

"Yeah, I do. So like I said, we'll find them. I don't know what happened to everyone, but we'll track them down. If we're going to take out the Collectors then we'll need the old team back. And hey, if all else fails, you've still got me." Joker stood, wincing slightly and rubbing at his thigh.

"Yeah, I've got you."


	8. Spaceship

"Welcome aboard the new _Normandy_ , Commander," Jacob said and saluted.

Shepard stepped down into the CIC. Cerberus certainly didn't do things by halves. The new _Normandy_ was clearly modelled on the old, but with every upgrade imaginable. It was about twice the size, had a dedicated science lab, observation deck and, maybe best of all, a pretty swank Captain's Cabin.

"I've been looking over the dossiers and I would strongly recommend starting by acquiring Mordin Solus, the salarian professor on Omega," Miranda said and handed Shepard the data pad. "We'll need him."

"Acquiring Professor Solus seems like the most logical place to start."

Shepard looked up. The voice sounded as though it was coming from all around him. A VI? "Who are you? I don't like VI's."

"I am the _Normandy's_ artificial intelligence. The crew like to call me EDI." A blue holographic ball appeared on the podium near the terminal. As it 'spoke', the white panel moved over its display in time with its words.

Shepard laughed and rubbed his forehead. "You lot are crazy! An AI in control of the ship?"

"I am not in control of the ship, Commander. Due to the potential dangers of a rogue AI, Cerberus has severely restricted my capabilities. During combat I operate the electronic warfare and cyber warfare suites. Beyond that I cannot interface with the ships systems."

Shepard folded his arms, stalking back and forth in front of the panel. They had to be crazy. They had to be crazier to think that he'd allow this on his ship. He turned to Miranda.

"Commander, EDI has been shackled and there is no way other than manual override for the AI to access any other part of the ship's interface. There is no risk."

He was sure the Quarians thought there was 'no risk' when they first activated the Geth, too. "Fine, it stays. But one step out of line and I rip its wires out of the core," he said. "Let's get out of here."

" _Final preparations for takeoff are complete, Commander. When you're ready to go just pick a destination from the Galaxy Map in the CIC and I'll plot a course."_

"Jacob and I will be at our posts if you need us, Commander," Miranda said and turned to saunter away. Jacob saluted him again and left.

He stood in the middle of the CIC looking suspiciously at the terminal where EDI hovered. This ship might look like the _Normandy_ but it was the differences that made _all_ the difference. This ship was populated with Cerberus crew and every available surface and panel had a damn Cerberus logo. He pulled at the neckline of the Cerberus uniform he was wearing. He had found an Officer's uniform in his closet, but he had never liked to separate himself from his crew. They knew he was the CO; he didn't need to wear a special uniform with pretty badges to advertise the fact. He wanted to hate the uniform but annoyingly, like everything else he had come across so far, it was well made and comfortable. The sleeves could stand to be a bit longer to hide one of the worse scars on his bicep but overall it was…not horrible. And he hated them a little more for it.

He leant against the console, rubbing his fingers idly over the display, flicking into his private messages (though he doubted they would ever be private). He looked up and noticed a young looking red head staring at him. She had pretty eyes, but clearly didn't want to be seen staring as she looked back at her console in surprise, a slight pink across her cheeks. He looked her up and down. Cerberus crewmen lacked any insignia to indicate their rank.

"Welcome aboard, Commander," the woman said, knowing that Shepard had seen her staring.

He sighed. Time to meet the crew. "Thanks. Ahh…?

"Yeoman Kelly Chambers. I've been assigned as your executive assistant. I'll manage your messages and monitor the crew. It's such an honour to work under you, Commander Shepard."

A personal assistant? How was it that he had lost a VI, but gained an AI, yet still acquired a personal assistant? "Good to have you on the team, Miss Chambers."

"Please, call me Kelly." She was way too perky, with big doe-like eyes and pink lipstick, yet held none of the same sweet naïveté that had seemed so cute on Tali or Liara.

"Fine…Kelly it is." Kelly smiled again and Shepard forced himself to smile in return. "Okay, well, Kelly…I've got a tour of the ship I should be—"

"Do you need an escort, Commander?"

"Ah, no!" He held up his hands and took a step back. "I'll be fine. Getting lost builds a mental map."

"Of course, Commander. Please, come and see me if I can help you with anything."

"Right." He took his opportunity when he found it and fled. He wasn't good with perky people. When he first met Tali and was trying to get to know her even she had seemed a little too happy for his liking, but she had grown on him; she was sweet but intelligent and possessed an understanding of the world despite being new to everything. It was difficult to trick Tali into anything. Kelly looked like she could be tempted off a cliff with the promise of candy.

He didn't find much 'normal' on the rest of the ship either. The two crewmen in engineering reminded him of an old married couple, though, like usual, he just couldn't say no when they asked him to find some FDA couplings. Chakwas had been a surprising and appreciated addition to the crew, though he didn't stay to chat for long. He had to return later when not under so much pressure to get underway to Omega. He had some serious questions regarding his health. He'd avoided Miranda like the plague but tried to talk to Jacob, who shut him down when it came to anything more personal about his history or experiences with Cerberus. Time, Shepard figured, would turn him around. Much like Kaidan – he'd been hesitant to speak about anything personal at first. No one had said anything about Kaidan yet. He wouldn't have left the Alliance so it should be easy to track him down. But would he be as suspicious as Tali? Shepard pressed himself against the elevator wall as it slowly climbed back to the CIC – some things never changed.

He stepped out of the elevator. There was one last place he was determined to visit before setting out anywhere.

"Commander, you have new messages at your private terminal!"

He just about jumped into the wall to avoid her. He was going to have to get over that. "Ah, thanks… I'll read them later," he said and snuck past Kelly. He needed a dose of normal.

Or, as normal as it got. He stood behind Joker, looking around the bridge. "No co-pilots chair…"

Joker spun around in his chair. The smile on his face couldn't have been any bigger.

"Can you believe this, Commander? It's my baby! Better than ever."

Shepard smiled. "But where am I supposed to sit now? I'm going to feel awkward standing over you."

"But leather seats! Military may set the hardware standard but on a first gen frigate they could care less if the seats breathe."

"Reproduction is not intended to be perfect, Mr Moreau. Seamless improvements were made," EDI said from the holo next to the console.

"And there's the downside…"

He rubbed the back of his neck and nodded. "I understand completely, Joker."

"I liked the _Normandy_ when she was beautiful and quiet."

The only other seat was the navigator's chair. Shepard turned it and sat down but instantly felt awkward. It was too far away – he was used to taking Kaidan's chair. It had always been close enough that he could talk to Joker without anyone else hearing. Some nights he had just come up with a book and they had sat in personable silence – Joker running ship diagnostics, Shepard flicking the pages of the old books carefully, trying not to ruin the paper. "It's not the same…" he said with a sigh. "It's a copy. A fake. There's nothing here that was even a part of the real _Normandy_."

"…there's us, isn't there? I have to take what I can get." Joker pulled at the bill of his cap nervously. "The last two years—"

"Have been shit."

"Yeah." Joker leaned forward in his chair, rubbing his hands over his face. "Commander—"

"Tris."

"What?"

"You're right. Even if this isn't the real _Normandy_ , there's still us. And this isn't an Alliance vessel anymore – no regs, no protocol. So…when it's just us, you can drop the 'Commander' thing. Just Tris."

"Just Tris…" Joker repeated. "Ah…of course, Com—Tris."

Shepard smiled at him and then sighed. "Suppose we should get to Omega before Lawson throws a hissy fit." He stood, his brows knitting together as he felt his scars pull. He really needed to see Chakwas about that. "Hey Joker… If there's anything you ever want to talk about, or just need to spend some time with someone, call me, okay?"

"But that would ruin my reputation of being a moody, unsociable jerk," Joker said.

"I know and we'd hate that to happen, but I promise I won't tell. I just figure…" He rubbed his hand nervously at the back of his neck until he realized what he was doing. Had he always had such obvious tells? "I just figure that it's been _two_ years. We've lost a lot of time." He turned and left quickly, waving over his shoulder and only getting a quick glance at the look of utter confusion written across Joker's face.

His gut clenched uncomfortably as he made his way to the CIC, artfully dancing around Kelly and her prying eyes. Had she been watching him talk to Joker? He leaned against the railing, looking over the galaxy map. He wanted to go straight to the Citadel, look for Kaidan, see Anderson, even visit some of the familiar bars there. He looked up. It was a straight line from where he stood to the cockpit. He could see the back of the pilot's chair and the glowing display screens moving as Joker worked.

Had he been too forward? He agreed with what he had said and he didn't want to take it back but it was a big deal to remove all previous formalities. But this _wasn't_ the Alliance.

Shepard ran his hand over his forehead and over the short stubble of hair on his head. He had known Joker for over a year – well, he supposed it was longer now. With all technicalities Joker had known him for more than three years. He had just been a terrible friend for most of that time.

"Commander…"

Shepard rolled his eyes. He was beginning to understand Joker's like of the old, quiet _Normandy_. "Yes, Kelly?"

"Are you and Flight Lieutenant Moreau good friends? You seem awfully close."

He looked down at her. She seemed genuinely curious. "We've known each other for quite a while."

"I see. Do you generally go to see him casually?"

He frowned. Just as he feared, the bridge was too exposed to nosey people like Miss Chambers. He used to be able to hide in the co-pilots chair – people would walk past and not even acknowledge him as they checked panels or readouts. It had been the perfect place to get away from the understandable yet stressful life he had been forced to lead. Joker never asked questions, never stopped him from coming up, but had always been there to listen.

"Generally, yes," he replied, but looked back down at the galaxy map. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't bother us."

"Of course, Commander. Interpersonal relationships are important to all species. They give us someone to share our deepest feelings with, celebrate our triumphs, despair over our losses, or can even help relieve tension. Is…this the kind of relationship you have with the Flight Lieutenant?"

His hand slipped off the railing and fell to rest at his side. 'Kind of relationship?' Surely she wasn't suggesting what he thought she was suggesting? What sort of person asked questions like that less than an hour after meeting? He wanted to snap at her, shut that idea out of her mind and tell her to keep to her own business…but really, wouldn't that just make it worse?

"My old crew and I went through a lot. We became close friends. I'm lucky to have Joker back."

"Of course, Commander."

It had been enough to shut her down and stop her from asking questions at least, but he saw her look up towards the cockpit for a moment before returning to her work on her terminal.

"Joker, set a course for Omega."

" _Roger that, Commander."_


	9. Collapse

Omega. What a shithole.

He really was beginning to feel like everyone wanted to kill him. In one way or another. He couldn't walk around without someone gunning for him or telling him to watch his step.

He leaned against the wall as the bullets ricocheted off the stone, sending chunks of plaster flying to the ground. Find the Doctor. Why couldn't anything ever be easy? No, everything always involved killer viruses, mercenary groups or assassins.

"Shepard, incoming!" Jacob yelled as two rockets burned overhead. Shepard took his chance and moved out of cover. One merc went down with a bullet to the skull, the other was sent hurtling off the landing with his biotics. Jacob smiled at him and they moved down the ramp to Miranda, who had decided to go toe-to-toe with a rather nasty looking Krogan. What was more amazing was that she was more than capable of handling one. She grabbed the Krogran's forearm and raised her gun with her other hand. Bullet straight to the face. The girl had guts, that was for sure.

"Nice work, Lawson! But lets get a move on," Shepard said as he ran past her, touching her arm briefly. The Krogan lay dead at her feet.

Shepard had to admit they worked well as a squad. A little biotic heavy but they moved well. Miranda was aware, had a keen sense of tactics and was proving to be an excellent leader, while Jacob stormed through his surroundings, throwing enemies towards their gunfire with his biotics before moving on to peg the next couple of mercs. He hated to admit it, but maybe he could like these two.

"Shepard, the plant room is up ahead. We've got the doors!" Miranda yelled and slid against the wall.

Sometimes he wondered if life was always going to be like this; running between planets and stations, cleaning up the various kinds of intergalactic waste that lived only to make the lives of others difficult. The situation with the Reapers, even the Collectors, seemed far away on these missions. He may well be a hero to the people whose lives he saved, but he was really only doing this to fulfil his own needs. He needed the Salarian, and the Doctor wouldn't come with them until his work had been completed. He had done that.

He felt like scum.

"Will you come with us now?" he asked. The Salarian was tapping away at his console and seemed to be all but ignoring them. "We're kind of on a schedule."

"Environmental systems engaged. Airborne viral levels dropping. Patients improving. Vorcha retreating. Well done, Shepard. Thank you."

"Nothing to thank me for," he said and ripped off his helmet. He hadn't done this out of any kindness.

"Not so. Intervention necessary. Many lives saved. Omega truly indebted to you, Shepard."

He looked at the ground. He was just a tool. A tool being used by Cerberus. Yes, he would do some good but in the end he was no hero – he was a gun, a piece of armour, a shield. He wouldn't feel normal until he felt like this was his mission, where he could go where he chose, recruit who he chose, but he doubted the feeling of being used would ever truly leave him until he left Cerberus.

"It will be good to have you onboard, Doctor Solus," he said.

"Just need to finish up at the clinic. Won't take long. Meet you at your ship."

Shepard left it at that. He had to pick up Archangel before he got his head blown off. Maybe he was already dead. He'd made the decision to pick up the Doctor first, but it didn't mean it was the right decision. He rubbed his hand over his face with one hand with his helmet still jammed under the other arm as they headed back to Afterlife.

He was a leader; he'd made his career on tough decisions, surviving the impossible. He'd always prided himself on having the sense to know what was right and what was wrong and act accordingly. Sometimes doing the right thing involved sometimes doing the wrong thing.

Like working with Cerberus. It didn't mean he had to like it, though.

He'd never wanted to be a hero. He didn't want the decorations, the interviews, or crazy fans – he had always been happy being a serviceman, a perfectly ordinary guy for most accounts. Though other people may disagree on the 'ordinary' part.

But some choices would always be his own, even with Cerberus, even if it was only something small like talking a dumb kid out of his self-imposed death sentence.

Sometimes it was the small things that made a hero.

At least Archangel wasn't dead. But he didn't have much time.

They stormed across the bridge and easily took out the merc's. He would have preferred not killing them and he hoped that at least one or two had been knocked out rather than killed, but he had a job to do. These guys were in his way.

"Up the ramp," Jacob said and pointed. Miranda ran ahead and cleared the way, another merc flying over the railing, limbs flailing as he lost altitude and crashed to the concrete.

Archangel was alone.

"Nice shooting. Though I think you winged me a couple times. Archangel, is it?"

Archangel glanced at them but didn't answer. He was lining up a shot. Shepard had seen Garrus do the same thing perhaps a million times over. It took absolute concentration – a level of dedication he didn't have. A shotgun and mean biotics were more his style.

The boom of the sniper rifle cracked through the air and the mercenary coming over the wall fell, limbs skewed, broken. Archangel turned and placed the rifle down carefully before removing his helmet and sat on the edge of the couch. "Well, well, fancy seeing you here."

"Holy shit…Garrus. What the hell are you doing here?" Shepard felt his cheek stretch as he grinned and he held his arms out to Garrus, who stepped into them. God, it felt good, too.

"I thought you were dead," Garrus said quietly before releasing him and taking a step back.

"Yeah, I've been getting that a lot. You okay?"

"Been better. Just keeping my skills sharp. Target practise, you know."

Shepard grinned again. Some of the heaviness left his shoulders, the doubt clearing from his mind. Garrus…it was really Garrus. He had come to think of the turian like a brother. They had been friends, brothers in arms, had gone through hell and back together. Garrus meant more to him than he could even explain. Seeing him again was like taking a breath before drowning.

"It's sure nice to see a friendly face," Garrus said and sat back down. He had a certain ragged look to him – exhausted, stressed, distraught.

"Yeah, well unfortunately I don't think those mercenary groups are going to let us waltz outta here," Shepard said, looking out over the bridge. "We did what we could but they're out for your blood, Garrus. What the hell did you do?"

"Nothing much," Garrus said, but Shepard could hear the laughter in his voice. That meant he had done _everything_. "The bridge works both ways. They'll slaughter us if we try to leave that way."

"So we just sit here and wait for them to take us out?" Miranda asked and folded her arms.

"Not quite. We wait for a crack in their defences and then take our chances. It's not perfect, but I reckon we've got a good shot," Garrus said and looked sideways at Shepard, who smiled back at him.

"You know me, Gar, I'm awful at the whole sneaky thing. Can hear me a mile off like a rampaging Elcor."

"Glad to see you haven't changed," Garrus said and briefly touched Shepard's arm. A sign of solidarity and a small gesture of trust.

It was far more than he expected.

But nothing came easily. Getting Garrus out would be a battle, but one he was prepared for. He wasn't about to leave him behind and damn anyone that tried to get in his way. He fought through the mercenaries with vicious ferocity, renewed by his _need_ to get Garrus back to the _Normandy_ – their home. He took Miranda with him to close the bulkheads in the lower basements. Jacob was an excellent soldier, but Miranda rounded out his talents with her own and if he was only taking one other person into battle, it had to be her, despite her somewhat prickly personality. He needed someone to stay with Garrus, just in case.

He dropped another merc with a clean shot through the chest after Miranda overloaded his shields and the final bulkhead slammed shut.

"Nice work, Lawson," he said, lowering his pistol.

Miranda smiled and nodded. It was perhaps the first sign of some sort of affability he had seen from her since his half-remembered memory of waking but he decided against pointing that out.

" _Shepard, there's more trouble across the bridge. If you're done sealing those shutters, get back here!"_

He felt a swell of fear rise in his throat. Damned if he was going to lose now. "Let's go," he said to Miranda and they headed back. He saw the Krogan Blood Pack leader first. He was caught up with the gunfire raining down from the top level as Jacob picked the mercs off one by one. There were too many for just one man, though. They were easily overwhelming Jacob and making their way up the ramp.

Shepard growled, feeling the rise of anger swell in his stomach, pushing at the fear of losing Garrus. He wouldn't. Not after all this. He needed him. He needed whatever he could find and hang onto from his old life. He felt his body engage with each node inside of him, the familiar rush of energy and a pull. It was like flying, a rush of energy and gravity rushing past him and he closed his hand around the Krogan leader's forearm, shoving his gun out of the way. He raised his own pistol under the Krogan's chin and wasted his sink, feeling the hot blood splatter across his own skin. Everything stopped. Gun fire, yelling, time itself seemed to slow and halt before rushing quickly to meet him in a calamity of noise and light. He dropped the Krogan, his body burning, arm trembling with effort.

"Commander!" Miranda yelled and pointed upstairs.

It wasn't over but the Blood Pack was no longer a threat. He stormed up the ramp and Jacob clapped him on the back when he ran into the room.

"We've got some serious problems, Commander," he said and pointed out the window. Gunship.

They dove for cover as the gunship turned, hovering near the window.

"They're rappelling down the walls. Ground floor!" Garrus called from his spot behind a desk.

"On it!" Shepard motioned to Miranda. It was easy to find a break in fire as the gunship offloaded troops. The lower level crawled with Blue Suns mercenaries but all were reasonably easy targets.

" _Archangel!"_

He should have been listening. Should have been paying attention – when did you _ever_ turn your back to a gunship?

It was too late. He realized as soon as the sound of the turret gun rang through the air. His heart leapt into his throat as the last mercenary fell in front of him. Panic seized his body and his pistol fell out of his hands as he ran up the ramp, each thump of his boots on the metal shaking his core. He pulled the rocket launcher off his back, gritting his teeth, eyes burning and as soon as he rounded the corner he fired. The rocket burned through the air, followed by another, before he also discarded that weapon as he rushed to Garrus' side. The rockets found their target, a wing separating from the gunship, pitching it sideways before the second rocket impacted and reduced it to scrap.

"Garrus!" Shepard pulled his hand up from the ground and looked at the blue blood coating his glove. "Garrus, please!"

The Turian gasped and his visible eye shot open, his talon curling around his sniper rifle.

"He's alive! Jacob, radio the _Normandy_! Garrus, we're getting you outta here. Hold on." Shepard placed his hand over Garrus' claws, listening to his harsh intakes of breath.

* * *

They wheeled Garrus away on the gurney towards the Med bay, Chakwas and Mordin hovering over him. Shepard didn't know whether he should be happy or not that he had picked up the Doctor first.

If he'd been faster he could have prevented this. He looked at his gloves still covered in Garrus' blood, his armour patched with blue and red. He knew his face would be splashed with blood. He wrung his hands together before ripping off his gloves, throwing them to the ground in anger, causing one of the crew members to startle at the table. She was trying not to stare at him. He didn't care. This was his fault. He should have gone to recruit Archangel first. Aria had told him the mercenary groups were planning their attack and that Archangel hadn't much time. But he had weighed it up – innocent lives and Vorcha insurgence compared to some mercenaries trying to take out a highly skilled vigilante. Wrong decision. If he'd gone first, he could have pulled Garrus before any of this happened. The ward would have waited and who would he have lost? Some Batarian scum? He gritted his teeth and turned to face the wall – anything to get himself under control.

"Shepard, you should really take the opportunity to rest while you can," Miranda said. She stopped next to him, her hand on her hip.

"Rest? You've got to be kidding me, right? My best friend is in the med bay with half his face blown off and you want me to rest?"

"And he will be in the med bay for some time."

"Mind your own business, Miss Lawson. If I want to sit here and stare at the med bay doors for the next 16 hours, I bloody well will, got it?" He turned to face her, closing the gap between them. To Miranda's credit, she didn't even blink. "Garrus is my friend. I almost got him blown up and I will be here when he wakes up. So piss off." He shoved her shoulder hard enough to make her take a step back and then pushed past her towards the elevator. He repeatedly pressed the button. Goddamn slow things.

"Goddamnit!" He kicked at the closed metal doors, his boot leaving a dent in the otherwise perfect finish. But they didn't open. He slumped against the wall next to the elevator, sliding to the floor with his head in his hands, covering his eyes.

This was going to keep happening, wasn't it? The feeling of loss, confusion…anger. He'd lost too much. Dead people weren't supposed to be resurrected. This was why. This had to be why.

The elevator chimed and the doors slid open, seemingly not holding a grudge at their brutal treatment.

"…floor picnic?" Joker asked.

Shepard froze and didn't look up. He didn't want people to see him like this. But really, what had he expected? He was in the middle of the damn hallway, lamenting his losses like a stupid new recruit who had seen his first dead body. He heard the sound of something drop to the ground in front of him and he moved his hands to see the energy bar Joker had thrown him.

"Saw you chucking around the biotics down there. Usually when I'm in a bad mood it's just because I'm hungry. That or you've given me some ridiculously boring duties like scanning planets."

Shepard looked up. Joker wasn't looking at him and kept a respectful distance, but he was holding out a can of energy drink.

God he felt stupid.

"Thanks, Joker…" He took the can and popped it open, downing it in almost one gulp.

"Garrus will be fine. You don't seriously think _this_ is the thing that will take him out, right? Guy is too friggin' arrogant to die this way."

Shepard looked at his clean hands – all the blood had been on his gloves – but he could still see the blue stains in his mind. The rest of his armour was still covered with blood. "He took a rocket to the face."

"Yeah, and my prediction still stands."

Shepard grabbed the energy bar off the floor and ripped open the packet, breaking half off and shoving it into his mouth. They tasted foul – like plaster and grass – but they did the job.

"Go shower. Wash the ermm…all of that off." Joker motioned to his face. "I'll stay here. I've got someone covering for me. I'll let you know the minute Garrus shows any sign of anything."

With a quiet hum of appreciation, Shepard pulled himself to his feet. The weight was back, crushing down his shoulders, pulling his feet into the deck. "As soon as anything changes, okay?"

"You got it."

"…thanks, Joker." He'd been saying that a lot. He pressed the button for the elevator again, prepared to wait more patiently this time. Joker nodded and moved to leave but Shepard stopped him, grabbing his wrist carefully – last thing he wanted to do was break more of his helmsman's bones. "I don't know what I'd do without you here, Joker." He gave his wrist a gentle squeeze before letting go, leaning against the wall to wait.

"Yeah…" Joker murmured, rubbing at his wrist absently as he left.

Shepard leaned around the corner to watch him leave. True to his word Joker made his way to the med bay, but not without stopping in the hall first. It took him some time and very careful movements but he leaned down and picked up the discarded gloves, staring at them for a moment before placing them in his pocket. Shepard felt a small laugh leave him and he shook his head as he stepped into the elevator.

* * *

" _You sure you don't want to go to flight school? You could take over for Alenko,"_ Joker said as Shepard sat down in the co-pilots chair, resting his boots next to the console.

Shepard shook his head and flicked open his book to the page he'd read to the night before. He couldn't sleep.

"You should at least change into something more comfortable if you're going to spend so much time here."

"Are you suggesting a pyjama party, Joker? I could do your hair."

"No one can fix my hair. It's beyond saving." He looked over and smiled. "But seriously, you've spent almost every night here this week."

Shepard lowered his book. He wasn't reading it anyway. "Do you mind?"

"Did I say that I minded?"

They sat in agreeable silence. Shepard was never sure what Joker was doing at the console. Sure, he'd had flight training, but he didn't understand the intricacies of an experimental ship. Joker always _seemed_ busy, but perhaps he was a good actor. But it was comfortable to sit with him. In his cabin it was quiet – too quiet. He felt segregated and alone. Here he could hear the hum of the ship, the blips from the control panels and sounds of those behind them at their stations all while watching the stars rush by as the _Normandy_ traversed the galaxy.

And he wasn't lonely.

He looked over his book again at Joker, who was engrossed in his work. His brow was slightly furrowed in concentration, his hands moving rapidly over the console. Shepard knew this was his ship and really he could go and do just about anything he liked, but he didn't want to interrupt his crew if they were working. Perhaps spending all this time here disturbed Joker's work? Or stressed him out, having his commanding officer sitting beside him all the time.

"Something you wanted to ask, Commander?"

Shepard drew in a quick breath and looked back down at his book. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"You said that last night, too. And two nights before that."

Goddamn observant guy, Joker was. Shepard sighed. "Alright, but don't laugh."

"Would I ever laugh?"

"Yes, and that's exactly why I haven't said anything to you yet."

Joker stopped what he was doing and turned in his seat carefully. "Alright, I promise, no laughing. Not even if it's truly pathetic, which from the look on your face, I'm gathering it is pretty bad."

"I'm just having some trouble sleeping. Some of the crew…"

"Oo, gossip, I love it!"

Shepard frowned and Joker held up his hands in apology.

"Just…we're all friends, right? Good friends. And I want it to stay that way. I've never been big on the divide between commander and crew – it's just not me. Building strong relationships on a team is important. I just…" He sighed again and slouched in his chair. "I fear I may have given certain crew members the impression that there might be _more_ between us."

"Oh?" Joker asked, but turned back to his console. It was always a sure sign that he was feeling uncomfortable.

"It's Liara…"

"Oh." Joker looked over again, but took to staring out at the stars rather than looking at Shepard.

"I thought we were just talking. Getting to know each other. She's interesting and sweet but I don't—I mean, I'm not interested in taking the relationship further than friendship."

"Then turn her down. Ash got the picture."

"Ash was a lot more forward about her advances. It's easier to turn that down. Liara is more naïve, too trusting and far easier to hurt. I don't want her getting embarrassed and leaving. We kind of need her."

"Then turn her down _gently_."

Shepard rested his elbow on the armrest of the chair, leaning against his hand. "I don't want to hurt her, Joker. She started talking about us having this connection and I blundered straight in and agreed before I even thought about the implications of the question. God I can be an ass!"

Joker smirked. "So you're a little dense when it comes to feelings. We'll call it cute and move on."

Shepard looked up. "Cute?"

"Yeah, like an adorable weakness that just makes girls fall head over feet for you. Considering all the fan girl like crushes most of the female crew have on you, I'd say it's just another part of your apparent charm."

"But I don't want anyone to have a 'fan girl like crush' on me. It's awkward."

"Gotta say, Commander, you never seemed like the sort to get shaken up over a little crush. You've got that whole suave charm thing going for you. Deadly with a gun, yet can breeze into a party and rule the room."

"I don't like parties, Joker."

"Yeah, me either. Usually involves shaving." He rubbed his beard appreciatively and Shepard smiled. "Look, just start treating her like Tali. Giving girls the 'little sister' act is a pretty big sign you aren't interested."

"But Tali is like my little sister."

"Exactly. Replicate those feelings with Liara, stay away from the deep connection emotional bullshit and you should be fine."

Shepard huffed in annoyance. "Why are women so…frustrating! Say one little thing and they think you're about to walk them down the aisle. It's so much easier—never mind. I'm just not good at this whole relationships and emotions thing, clearly."

"You've never been in a relationship, Commander?" Joker was looking at his console again, fingers poised over the display but not actually pressing anything.

Shepard closed his eyes. Once. A long time ago. But he'd been young. Stupid. It wasn't worth mentioning. "What about you, Joker? I bet you're quite the ladies' man."

"You're joking, Commander?"

"You think I have charm. I'm pretty sure you're the one who's joking, _Joker._ "

Joker didn't answer for a moment, still staring at the console. Shepard waited. When Joker did look up, his green eyes said far more than his actual words. _"Once. A long time ago."_

Shepard groaned as his Omni-tool beeped on his wrist. He pushed himself up from the bed, staring at the pillow. How had he…? He rubbed his head. The room was dark except for the glow of the ridiculously large fish tank and the extranet terminal on his desk. He had showered, changed and…fallen asleep, apparently. How long had he been out? Long enough to start dreaming – remembering – things, anyway. His Omni-tool beeped again and the memories of earlier rushed back to him. Garrus!

"Yes?" he answered.

" _Commander, Garrus is awake. He's requested to see you in the debriefing room."_

Joker you wonderful, attentive… "Got it. I'll meet him there. Is he…"

" _Looks like hell, but I think it compliments the whole scary zombie thing you've got going."_

"Thanks, Joker. Way to make a guy feel attractive."

" _Never said it wasn't attractive, Commander."_ And the line went dead.

Shepard smirked, touching his fingers to his face. Yeah right. He grabbed his boots from next to the bed and pulled them on.

* * *

Jacob sighed, leaning against the desk. "The Docs did all they could. Corrected a lot of things in surgery with cybernetics. Best we can tell he'll have full functionality, but…"

The doors slid open and Garrus walked in. Damn…

"No one will give me a mirror. How bad is it?" Garrus asked, carefully touching his patched cheek.

"Hell Garrus, you were always ugly. Slap some face paint on that and no one will be able to tell. In fact, play it up – the ladies dig scars."

Garrus laughed but then winced in pain. "Don't make me laugh. It already feels like my face is falling apart." He walked to Shepard's side and touched his arm. "Thanks, for down there."

Jacob cleared his throat. "Commander." He saluted and left. The guy was quick.

"So…Cerberus? I'm worried about you, Shepard. We've had too many run-ins with Cerberus before." He leaned against the desk, folding his arms.

"We don't have to trust them and we certainly don't have to like them. We know what they are, but the truth of the situation is that they've given us a ship, resources…and a big mission. I can swallow my pride and hatred for the greater good."

"Of course. Means to an end."

"But if I'm walking into hell, I want you by my side."

"Heh. Just like old times." Garrus turned but stopped before leaving. "It's good to have you back."

"Likewise."

"I'll be in the forward battery if you need me. Set myself up a nice little hole to hide from the Cerberus dogs."


	10. Still Human

"Well, Doc?"

Chakwas sighed. "Sometimes the truth is hard to stomach, Commander."

"I'm tough."

She shook her head, pushing some of her silvery hair behind her ear. "Come, sit over here where you can see." She gestured towards one of the other beds and moved to the console. Diagram after diagram filtered across the screen near Shepard until they arranged themselves in some sort of cogent pattern. He leaned forward and reached up idly to touch the sensor attached to his chest.

What part of him was real? His fingers trailed down to touch at the open cuts across his abdomen. From the looks of it, not much. Part of his heart, perhaps a kidney? Most of his intestinal tract was all made up of cybernetics, along with a large portion of his other organs. What was still flesh was heavily augmented, seemingly to keep it running. Why had they bothered? He wasn't even human anymore.

He hopped off the table, his legs itching. His legs? Parts of his legs, perhaps, with skin and flesh that had been regenerated, grown around what? Not bones.

"Commander, I have only shown you this because you insisted."

He didn't answer her. He wanted to rip himself apart. Who knew what Cerberus had put in him? Was there a chip lodged somewhere in his brain – thankfully, his brain! – that when activated would force him to murder the entire Council? Did he have a self destruct program somewhere inside of him for when he became a liability? His skin felt like skin, he felt like himself for the most part, but he wasn't. He was a Cerberus monster.

"Unfortunately the majority of the cybernetic upgrades are largely linked to your functionality. Remove them and there is no way to understand the consequences. I would not suggest any sort of surgery, even exploratory."

"So you're saying I have to live with it," he asked, looking over his shoulder at her. She nodded. "Shit… Why didn't they just upload my brain into a mech? Surely would have been easier."

"As far as I can understand Cerberus wanted to bring you back exactly as you were when you destroyed Saren and Sovereign."

"But I'm not exactly the same!" he yelled. "I'm like…" He paused and looked around him with a small laugh. "I'm like the _Normandy_. Pieces, ideas, maybe the same functionality, but with 'seamless improvements'." He suddenly had new respect for the ship he had bad-mouthed as being nothing but a fake.

"That might be so, Commander, but in the end you are still you. You retain all the memories, the experiences of your life. You feel. Do you still care about saving the galaxy from the Reapers?"

"Of course."

"Do you still remember losing your family and friends on Mindoir?"

"Of course!"

"Do you still feel the same for Garrus? For Joker? Were you unhappy when Tali didn't join you on Freedom's Progress? Have you not thought about Lieutenant Alenko, Gunnery Chief Williams—"

"Yes! Of course I do. I think about them all the time…" Her stern words were enough to calm him down, much like a mother scolding a small child. No wonder Joker did just about anything she said. He sat back down on the edge of the bed before flopping back onto the pillow, swinging his legs up and closing his eyes.

"Commander…I don't mean to be tough with you but you still have a lot of work to do. Flesh and blood isn't what makes us human, or turian, or vorcha – it's our experiences, our lives and those that love and care for us. Commander, you have many people who love and care for you." She walked over and placed her hand on his chest, removing the sensor above his heart. "Some cybernetics and scars aren't going to change those opinions."

"But you _can_ do something about the scars, can't you? I'm not a vain guy, Chakwas, but these are pretty hideous."

She laughed. "I'll see what I can do but I believe the old adage of 'mind over matter' rings true. Peaceful and compassionate actions promote healing. Maintain a positive outlook – as hard as that may be."

Positive outlook. She had to be joking, right? How on earth was he supposed to retain a positive outlook? He put his arm over his eyes, trying to block out some of the bright light.

"I will also do some research into your facial scaring. There might be something we can do surgically to fix up the worst of it and make you a little easier on the eyes."

"God, what is it with you people and insulting my delicate ego? I'm going to get a complex!"

Chakwas laughed again and patted his shoulder. "You'll be fine. This kind of trauma would have changed most people, Shepard…but not you. You're made of stronger stuff."

Shepard wished it was true. He wanted to think he was the same person, but he didn't feel the same. While he was starting to feel more comfortable in his body, scars and all, he still had that lingering feeling that he was drowning in the deep end.

"What about my biotics, Doc? I know I've always been able to spike high but…" He raised his hand and clenched his fist above his eyes. What he could do now far overshadowed his previous abilities.

"From what I can tell," Chakwas started and flicked the screen to another display. "When Cerberus resurrected you they re-implanted your amplifier with the latest L5n model, specifically designed for new Vanguards."

"So I was retrofitted?" He sat up, touching his hand to the back of his neck.

"You were _dead_ , Commander. I suppose Cerberus suspected that there was not much more damage they could do by updating your amp."

"Hmm…" He felt a jolt of static as he ran his fingers along the port in his neck. No wonder his biotics had been acting so erratically – he wasn't used to harnessing so much power.

"Try to practice fine control if you have time. It's all very well and good to throw around a Krogan here or there, but we know where you excel, Commander."

He smiled. Fine control. He always had been talented when it came to the small things. Yes, he could hurl around crates and all the usual crap, but every biotic had their speciality. "I'll see if I can't make some pencils dance around on my desk later."

"Please, keep me updated too, Commander. I haven't had the chance to interact with an L5 yet and I would be interested in gathering some data."

"I'll be your own private science experiment. Chances are the Illusive Man will want readouts anyway. I doubt he's going to let me run around doing whatever I want forever."

"More than likely. But there will always be some information we keep between just us, Commander."

He smiled at her. "You were with the Alliance for years, Doc. Why leave?"

She sighed and sat down at her desk. "The crew was reassigned and I was stationed at the Mars Naval Medical Centre. Dreadfully dull. I've spent most of my life on warships – I'm used to the hum of the engines, the creaking of bulkheads, the subtle vertigo when the momentum dampeners kick in. Life planet-side doesn't feel right."

He knew exactly what she meant. He always felt out of place planet-side. Things didn't move right, the noises weren't right, the smells, sights and even the air was _different_. It brought back too many memories. "So you joined Cerberus?"

"I don't work for Cerberus. I work for you. I trust you, Commander. I always will."

"And if we don't make it back from this mission?"

"I've led a full life – no regrets. We should never live with regrets." She gave him a pointed look.

"I think my line of work comes free with regrets, Doc."

"And now you've been given a fresh start. Most people aren't so lucky."

A fresh start. He supposed that was one way to look at it. He felt weighed down by the past and it was hard to see any other path spread out before him. He hopped off the table again and grabbed his shirt. "Well, I suppose the good news is that I'm not going to fall apart. I'll try keep this open and peaceful mind thing, though no promises." He grinned at her and then pulled his shirt over his head, settling it properly again.

"Try to spend some time relaxing, Commander. I know it's difficult to find the time."

"Tell you what, next time I hit the Citadel I'll make sure to pick up a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy for us to share. I guess your private supplies are a little scattered across space at this point."

Chakwas laughed. "I would appreciate that, Commander."

He turned to leave but stopped at the door, hand poised over the control. "About Joker…"

"He has received some impressive upgrades, Commander, but Jeff will _always_ have Vrolik's."

Shepard lowered his hand. He knew that. He had no delusions of Joker's perfect health. "It's been _two years_ , Doc. He said he'd been grounded."

"And what happened during those two years isn't mine to tell you," Chakwas said. "You and Jeff share a special bond, Commander. It won't take long to regain."

It didn't allay his fears, but he smiled and left the med bay. It had to be late by now. Or early. He didn't know. He'd lost all concepts of time or duty shifts between slogging through Omega, falling asleep while worrying about Garrus and keeping the Doctor awake to set aside his concerns that his cybernetic guts might try to vacate his body through his abdominal scars.

The mess seemed busy. Jacob was eating what looked like breakfast. Great. He'd been awake all night _and_ kept the good Doctor awake all night. He rubbed his eyes. It's not like it mattered too much; day, night, they were all the same on a ship in space. He headed upstairs, nodding at a pair of technicians coming out of the elevator – he didn't know their names but he should probably start learning.

When the elevator opened to the CIC, there was Kelly. Shepard cringed and tried to put on his best happy face. He didn't need her questioning him right now.

"Good morning, Commander!" she chirped.

"Ah, good morning, Kelly. How are you today?"

"Fine, Commander. I was very pleased to learn that Garrus Vakarian is expected to make a full recovery."

"Yes, that is good news. He's getting settled today. I don't want to rush him. He should rest."

"Yes, Commander. Will you also be retiring? I noticed that you haven't slept since Joker woke you."

He made a mental note of the change in Kelly's tone. She had called Joker by his Alliance designation previously, but now it was just 'Joker'. Had they spoken? "Yeah, it's messed up my sleep pattern. Sleeping while Garrus was in surgery was a bad idea."

"Not so, Commander. You needed the rest. The crew were very worried about you."

He doubted that but he nodded to her anyway. "I will be retiring to my cabin. Please inform the crew that we'll be staying put for now. I'd like to hit the Citadel as soon as possible, though."

"Of course. Rest well."

He turned back to the elevator. That hadn't been anywhere near as grating as he had expected. Kelly was overly perky, a little too curious and invasive of personal space, but perhaps not _all_ bad. Still, he reserved judgement.

He fell into his bed when he made it to his cabin, kicking his boots off without unlacing them, hearing each clunk onto the floor at the end of the bed. He pulled his pillow closer, burying his nose against the fabric. His whole body ached again. He sighed and rolled onto his back, splaying his arms across the width of the bed.

He stared up and out into space. Did they have no taste? He pressed his eyes closed as he was immediately assaulted with memories. The vacuum sucking him out into space, watching the _Normandy_ rip apart, the endless expanse of stars and the hiss of oxygen leaving his suit—

He rolled back over, gathering his pillow up again in his arms, crushing his face against it as he breathed in an effort to stave off panic. He was fine. Fine! The SR2 was intact, they weren't under attack and he was alive.

Alive.

" _Shepard!"_

Alive. Alive, alive, alive. He could breathe, no one was screaming his name, he wasn't leaving anyone behind.

He would _never_ leave anyone behind again.

Shepard closed his eyes as his heart rate slowed and his breathing returned to normal. He had to get over this. He couldn't keep falling to pieces anytime something went wrong or he remembered something from the attack. He had to be strong, even if it was just for everyone else. He bit down on his lip and flipped onto his back again, staring up at the stars. Just stars. Space, behind glass, perfectly normal and safe.

But there was no way in hell he was getting any sleep. Not now. Maybe not ever. He sat up, rubbing the back of his neck. He just needed time.

He unlaced his boots and slipped them back on. There wasn't much point in staying here and pretending to sleep. May as well go to the mess and pretend to eat something. With other people around he was less likely to flip out. Being in command was all about maintaining image, even when on the inside your life was going to hell. Luckily the elevator could completely bypass the CIC so he didn't have to speak to or explain anything to Kelly.

"Good morning, Commander," a man said as Shepard stepped out of the elevator. The informal nature of the Cerberus ship was actually a nice change. He'd always felt awkward having staff snap to attention every time he entered a room. He nodded a greeting in exchange.

"Well good morning, Sunshine! Don't you just look the picture of health?" Gardner barked a laugh and slapped his palm on the bench. "Thought you were hitting the sack? Just got the call out that we'd be laying over. Can't sleep?"

Shepard forced a smile. He had met Gardner briefly when he toured the ship but there was just something about a cook who was also fixing his toilet that had him a little worried. "I thought I should eat something first to keep my energy up. Biotics and all," he said, trying not to draw out any conversation.

"Right you are. You Biotics with your fancy little tricks eat through all my supplies. Don't suppose you'd mind picking up a few things at the Citadel when we wing past?"

Of course, because he _looked_ like a personal assistant. Yet he still found himself saying yes. Why did he do that?

"Fantastic! Tell ya what, I'll cook you up something special for breakfast. So go make yourself comfy and I'll bring over your plate."

Lord, he was scared. But he was too nice to turn Gardner down, same as he was too nice to turn down any request from a crew member. He was always a bit of a pushover when it came to helping out even when it meant he was running all over the galaxy to find parts or crawling through ventilation shafts to find a lost ring. Maybe this too was part of his supposed 'charm'.

"Morning, Mr Taylor," he said and pulled out the chair next to Jacob. He looked stunned, caught between eating a mouthful of food and rising to salute. "Stay put. You don't need to be so formal. Truthfully, the whole saluting and standing at attention thing I've never been big on. When we're here, I'm just another Marine enjoying a meal."

Jacob stared at him but didn't say anything for a moment, carefully chewing his food as though weighing up this new information. "Can I speak freely, Commander?" He finally spoke.

"Always. I want to know what my crew think."

"You're not like other CO's. I've had my share of posts and the Alliance is fairly strict with protocol."

Shepard leaned back in his chair, hanging his arm over the back. "I do things a little differently. I've been through a lot of situations where protocol flies out the window."

"I read the reports from Akuze. That was serious."

Shepard felt a small smile tug at his lips. That was one way of putting it. "A lot of good men – great men – lost their lives on Akuze. I don't know why I survived. I didn't do anything special. I wasn't anything better. I just got lucky. Yet I was the one who got the medals, the picture in the paper…"

"You survived."

"The lives that were lost were more noteworthy than the one that survived."

"I doubt people are saying that after what happened with Sovereign. You're a damn hero."

"Hero… Such an easy word people throw around. I was the 'hero' of Akuze but I didn't do shit. You know what I did? I hid. I grabbed my guns and hunkered down and watched the rest of my squad die. There wasn't anything I _could_ do."

"That's not what I read in the report, Commander."

"Yet, that's what happened. Had to make it sound good, didn't they? Sure, I tried to help. Threw around some biotics, emptied my shotgun and who the hell carries spare blocks? None of it mattered. I was a baby fighting a Krogan." He rocked his chair back a little, staring up at the ceiling, the bright lights harsh against his tired eyes. "They all died. One by one. Have you ever seen a Thresher Maw, Taylor?"

"Just in the vids, Sir."

"Not the same. Being close enough that you can smell it? See the acid dripping from its jaws…that's something entirely different. I've never been more scared in my entire life."

Jacob was staring at him, silent now. Where did one go from there? It was way more than anyone wanted to know about their Commanding Officer. They were supposed to be a force of nature – proud, strong, brilliant. Not dredging up old memories like this where their lives had fallen apart.

"Anyway," Shepard said, his chair settling back on all four legs and he turned to look at Jacob. "That's why I'm different. One of the reasons anyway. That and I just can't stand the formality. Got stuff to do and not enough time to do it in. There's no use in wasting time saluting and putting on airs to make one feel a little better about themselves. So please, just call me Shepard."

Jacob smirked. It was nice to see him smile. "I can live with that," he said and held out his hand. "Jacob."

Well, well, the Cerberus dog could drop his guard. Shepard shook his hand. "Good to have you on my team, Jacob."

"Here ya go, Commander! Omelette ala Gardner! Though fabricated eggs aren't quite the same. And onion powder just doesn't have the same flavour as the real stuff. So you'll get onto picking up those supplies, right?" Gardner dropped the plate on the table in front of him.

"Erk…yeah, right away," Shepard said and wrinkled his nose at the canary yellow mess on the plate.

"The trick around here is not to let Gardner cook you anything special," Jacob said once the Mess Sergeant had left.

"Now you tell me."

* * *

Shepard figured while he was on a roll he could tackle the other sticking point in his crew manifest.

"Shepard. How can I help you?" Miranda asked from behind her desk. Her hair settled elegantly around her face and shoulders, moving slightly as she motioned to the chair.

"I was just wondering if I could ask you some questions. I've been saving them up."

"Of course, Commander. If I can help allay any of your concerns, I'd be happy to do so."

Shepard sat down in the offered chair, though truthfully he still felt awkward talking to her. She had a natural grace and sophistication that he wasn't used to dealing with. Most of the people he knew were far rougher around the edges, and he liked that. The best experience he had came from dealing with Liara – but he'd never been scared of Liara.

He was kind of scared of Miranda.

"So, tell me about yourself."

She smiled – actually smiled! – and stood. "I suppose that's fair. I've spent the past two years learning everything there is to know about you."

He cringed slightly. Great. Just what he wanted. He liked having some secrets. It was already a little disturbing that this woman had seen him in absolutely nothing, not even skin.

Miranda stood in front of the window. "You should know I've had extensive genetic modification. I make the most of it. The Illusive Man handpicked me because I'm very good at just about anything I do."

"Lacking confidence doesn't seem to be a problem, either."

"I'm just stating the facts," Miranda said and shrugged her shoulders. "My reflexes, strength, even my looks were all designed to give me an edge. It's why I was assigned to you. It's my job to make sure you succeed." She turned to face him. "I heal faster and I will probably live half again as long as the average human. Physically, I'm superior in many ways."

"So, you're perfect?"

"I'm still human, Shepard."

And in saying that, Shepard felt a connection to her that he hadn't felt before. In many ways, she was like him. She'd been engineered, tailored to be faster, stronger, _better_ than anyone else. But that didn't completely abolish to possibility of royally fucking something up.

Maybe it hadn't been such a bad idea to come talk to her. "Thanks for the chat, Miss Lawson," he said and stood.

"Just Miranda is fine, Shepard. You'll make me feel older than I am," she said with a small laugh.

* * *

Shepard stood at the end of the hall leading to the Bridge, an awkward sickness settling in his stomach. He knew he shouldn't be worried. His fingers tightened on his book.

This was just like any other time. He was picking up his life again. He wanted to be the 'old Shepard' again. He didn't want to live with this constant fear that in the two years he'd been gone everything had changed. He took a breath and walked up to the bridge. Since they weren't going anywhere, the navigator's spot was free, which was good, because he really didn't want to kick anyone out of their position just so he could have somewhere to read.

"Commander?" Joker asked. He spun his chair around and looked down towards the CIC, confused.

Shepard smiled – or at least tried to smile, though he was aware how ragged he must look – and sat down, resting his legs over the side of the chair to make himself comfortable. He flipped open his book – thank you, Cerberus and your inclusion of a library!

Joker stared at him for a moment and his expression softened. "Stay as long as you like…Tris."


	11. Spectre Status

_From: Councillor Anderson_

_ENCODE / [decryption complete] / APPROVED_

_On the off chance that the rumours are true and you actually are alive, I need you to come and talk to me on the Citadel. A lot has changed in the last two years. You put us on the top, and it's only fair that you be allowed to speak for yourself about what we've been hearing._

* * *

Shepard stepped out into the lush surroundings of the Presidium, shielding his eyes from the bright light. It looked the same. Well…it looked like it used to before the fight with Sovereign. Last time he was here the Citadel had still been undertaking some serious clean up. Now it was back to plush green grass, sparkling lakes and spotless walkways. Like nothing ever happened.

"They sure did a number on this place, huh, Commander?" Jacob asked, leaning against the railing of the bridge they stood on, staring into the lake.

"Wouldn't want anyone to think the Citadel was actually vulnerable," he replied and shook his head, motioning to Jacob and Miranda.

He knew Garrus wanted to come along to see Anderson but he'd specifically left the turian behind. Whether he liked it or not he needed more time to heal and going head-on with some cranky C-Sec officers or reporters was not the best idea so soon after major surgery. Truthfully, Shepard didn't feel up to it himself. He'd already had an unpleasant run-in with Citadel Security at the new and highly improved check-points and had to bluff his way through the fact that he'd been dead.

But he wanted to see Anderson. He'd always thought of Anderson fondly. He didn't want to be so cliché as to call him a father-figure, but it was true. Anderson had hand picked him and taken him under his wing, tutored him, taught him to be a better leader who was compassionate to his crew and, in turn, a role model. Perhaps more importantly he'd helped him work through the trauma of Akuze – without him Shepard was sure he'd be a complete wreck, drowning his sorrows at the bottom of a bottle.

He pressed the comm button outside the embassy, somewhat proud of the fact that he could still walk in without inciting panic. Perhaps while he was gone zombies had become a new Citadel species and he wasn't aware.

"Shepard!" Anderson held his hand out in greeting. Shepard could feel himself smiling. He walked over and grabbed Anderson's outstretched hand, shaking it firmly. "Nice to see you've rejoined the ranks of the living," Anderson continued and clapped him on the back.

"Only just. Sorry it took so long," he said. He glanced back at Miranda and Jacob, who hovered near the doorway. Were they uncomfortable on the Citadel considering they were Cerberus agents? They should be. He motioned for them to stay put as he moved to stand on the balcony with Anderson. From this vantage point he could see an Elcor walking across a bridge away from the Embassies; he could just make out the noise of its booming footsteps.

"I'm glad you came. Though I was hoping the rest of the Council would be here… They rarely listen to me. Sometimes I wonder if Udina would have been the better choice." Anderson shook his head and leaned against the railing.

"I wouldn't have picked you if I didn't think you were right for the job," Shepard said. "I'm not that nice, even to you. But Udina is good at playing politics – why not get him to help you out? If there's one thing that guy can do, it's push."

"Truth is I'm just not prepared to sacrifice my morals…a bad trait for a Councillor." He sighed and walked away from the railing, finding it hard to stand still. "I wanted to give you a chance, Shepard. I've been hearing bad things. Rumours you're working with Cerberus haven't helped your position. The Council have refused to see you."

"Working with, yes, but not working for," Shepard said. "C'mon, Anderson, you _know_ me. You know I would never work with Cerberus if it meant compromising _my_ morals."

Anderson looked at him, then towards Miranda and Jacob, only to shake his head again. "I feel for the colonists but they chose to leave the protection of the Alliance. I can't help them. But I get the sense that saving some colonies in the Traverse isn't the only thing going on."

It was Shepard's turn to lean heavily against the railing, placing his head in his hands. He sighed. "The Reapers are on the war path. The human colonies disappearing? The Reapers have got the Collectors working for them."

"The Collectors?" Anderson asked. "They've always seemed like a fringe threat. If they're a front for the Reapers… This is big." Anderson went back to pacing. "The Council have spent the past two years trying to cover up what happened. I tried to get the truth out but it's just easier for the others to believe that Sovereign was a Geth warship."

"Are they blind? Pieces of Sovereign were splattered all over the Citadel thanks to Joker. Just looking at that thing would tell you it's not Geth tech."

"I've spent two years fighting and it's just no use. You and your team were the only ones with any real evidence."

"Giving up isn't your style, Anderson."

"Even as a Councillor there's only so much I can do," he said. "Shepard…it's up to you. If you have to work with Cerberus to stop the Reapers then so be it. I don't like it, but I can accept it. You're right, I do know you. I just wanted to make sure you were still _you._ The only thing I can offer you is a title. I can offer you your Spectre status. I won't win any popularity contests, but they can't object. You're still a hero and your title was never rescinded when you died."

Shepard smiled. "If it's coming from you, it's better than the first time."

"Not quite the same level of ceremony."

"Yeah, but you know I hate that bullshit. Dress blues and hour-long speeches were never my style."

"Neither. Udina is always happy to attend the formal diplomatic functions I can't be bothered with."

"I should get going," Shepard said and rubbed the back of his neck. He wanted to catch up with Anderson, but they both had too much on their plates to really be comfortable enough to sit and chat. He could see the stress on Anderson's face, like he had aged more than just two years in the time Shepard had been out. "Just…what happened to Kaidan? I was hoping to find him…perhaps try to recruit him."

"Alenko is still with the Alliance. He's working on a special mission. It's…classified. I can't say any more."

Of course. Classified. Friggin' Alliance red tape. If he wanted to find Kaidan, he'd have to do it himself. "I understand," he said and placed his hand on Anderson's shoulder. "Look after yourself."

"The front line is yours, Shepard, but if you ever want to talk… I'll be here."

Shepard nodded and left, trailed by Miranda and Jacob who were, for once, respectfully silent.

* * *

Other than talking to Anderson, Shepard didn't spend long on the Citadel. Joker had been surprised when he came back. He'd exchanged a few words with Miranda and then disappeared, probably up to his cabin. He could understand. Going to the Citadel would have been like staring failure in the face. Not that he thought Shepard had failed in any way, just…

He knew what the Council thought. He'd had the same battle. Goddamn, he _still_ remembered arguing with them, reading the news stories over the extranet and feeling his blood boil, and trying his best to sit through Shepard's funeral and listen to the unadulterated crap that spilled from the mouths of some of the Councillors. He'd left early. He hadn't been able to stomach it anyway.

He sighed, resting his hands on his console. He hadn't wanted to go in the first place. Chakwas had dragged him. Said she couldn't get through it alone. He'd been dumb enough to fall for that line. Most of Shepard's crew had been there, including Alenko, who made it very clear that Joker was not welcome. The murderer shouldn't really attend the funeral of their victim, after all. Sitting through the eulogy had forced bile into his throat and considering he'd been fairly drunk before even leaving the apartment it didn't take him long to completely succumb to his emotions and flee as fast as his crippled body would allow him to chuck his guts up into the nearest toilet. Pathetic.

He hadn't even waited around for Chakwas. He left, picked up more booze on the way back to his apartment, and spent the rest of the night getting gloriously drunk as he tried to put his feelings for his CO aside.

" _Joker."_

Shepard's voice broke him from his daydream. He scrambled for the comm button. "Yes, Commander?"

" _I'm laying in a course. I wanna get out of here."_

"The Citadel is such a happy place, isn't it? Coordinates received and course plotted." Joker brought up the destination on his console – Purgatory. "We picking up a con or a cop, Commander?"

" _Con. Should add to the nice level of crazy we've got going."_

Joker grinned. "Roger that." He hated hearing sadness or disappointment in Shepard's voice. He had never been great at hiding his emotions – at least, not to the observant. He thought he put on a good act of the tough, unwavering commanding officer, but Joker saw past that. He noticed every time the Commander's voice would dip with anger or sadness, or when his expression would change for a split second before it was hidden behind the mask of leadership.

They'd have a wait getting out through the Relay before the jump to the Hourglass Nebula – not that Joker minded but riding through Mass Relays was something he could do in his sleep. He leaned back in his chair. They weren't going anywhere soon that was for sure. Damned congestion around the Citadel. He hated waiting and the Commander never used his Spectre status to jump lines.

Goddamn good guy that he was.

Joker folded his arms. Of course, right now, Shepard wasn't a Spectre, was he? In fact, they should try lay as low as possible. They just _screamed_ Cerberus. He pulled at the collar of his uniform. With a sigh he reached forward again and brought up a comm line.

" _Yes, Joker? Problem?"_

"Just the lines, Commander. We've got a few hours waiting here till we're cleared for a jump. I'd prefer not to push in front of anyone."

" _Understandable. I like the idea of not drawing attention to ourselves."_

That was for sure. While Joker knew he was more than capable of _making_ room for a Relay jump, it was not advisable. Besides, they weren't in any hurry, right? He bit at his lip for a moment. Man, this was going to sound stupid…

"Hey, Commander. I uh…" Yep, definitely stupid. "I was going to grab some lunch while we're queuing."

"… _meet you there in five."_

Joker sighed in relief. Thank you, Tristan Shepard, for not being completely oblivious. He turned to Hawthorne. Kid was thick as a board, but a nice enough guy. He could fly without destroying anything and he was more than capable of watching the Relay and waiting for a cycle. "I'm grabbing lunch. We'll be stuck here a while."

"No problem, Joker," Hawthorne said, snapping a rather weak salute. At least he tried. "Don't eat anything suspicious looking!"

"It's all suspicious looking, Hawthorne." Joker still found it strange that he didn't have to reach for crutches anymore. The action had almost been programmed into him after years of having the sticks and he found himself searching for them.

"Hey Joker…is the CO okay?" Hawthorne asked but didn't look up from his console. Joker could hear the embarrassment in his voice.

But the fact that he was asking just proved to Joker that Tris _wasn't_ okay. When a navigation officer who'd known you less than a week questioned your state of mind, you weren't hiding your emotions very well.

"Let me worry about that," Joker said.

"You've known him since he signed onto the _Normandy_ , right? You guys good friends?"

Joker smiled. "The best." He wasn't embarrassed to say it, even to a punk kid like Hawthorne.

He met Shepard in the mess hall. He was talking to Gardner, who looked very pleased, which honestly frightened Joker more than if the Mess Sergeant was in a bad mood. If he was in a good mood he might try to cook. Joker waved and sat down at the end of the table, away from the two crew members sitting down for lunch.

"Tastes less like ass, today," one said. "Like there's actual food in this."

"I hear the CO picked up some supplies from the Citadel."

Joker covered his smile with his hands. Ah, Tris, so predictable. Bet half the crew had him running errands by now.

"I managed to talk Gardner out of making anything 'special'," Shepard said as he sat down in the chair across from Joker. "Seems like an oversight on Cerberus' part to not hire a proper chef…"

"Non essential staff and all, I figure. If someone can multi-task, they should."

"So I should ask you to get my lunch instead?"

"I make a mean grilled cheese," Joker said.

"Bachelor food? I should have figured. Suppose you've never had to cook for anyone else before."

Joker's mouth went dry. What would that be like? Cooking for someone else, having to worry about someone else, spending the nights with another person rather than an extranet terminal? He cleared his throat. "You telling me you can cook, Commander?"

Shepard laughed. "As if. Best I can do is heat a ration pack and considering that's a click of a button I can hardly call myself skilled. If I'm not on assignment I usually just go out."

"Well it's nice for those who make a prettier pay packet. Usually my cheque doesn't allow me the privilege of eating out."

"Don't lie. I know what you make. You've stored it all away somewhere, haven't you? Saving for a nice apartment on Illium maybe? Surrounded by all the pretty Asari you could wish for."

"I send most of it to Ma."

"She's doing okay?"

Joker nodded. He'd told Shepard all about his youth and his family just as Shepard had told him about his family. Shepard had never really spoken about what happened during the raids, though. "I want her to be comfortable. Besides, what am I going to use it for?"

"Here ya go, boys! Now Commander, eat up. Don't want ya falling over in the middle of a gun fight." Gardner dropped two plates of sandwiches in front of them. Nothing special, but actually edible looking.

"I don't think I'll ever understand where biotics put all that food," Joker said, looking at Shepard's plate of sandwiches. "I mean, I get the science but…"

"It does make getting take-out more expensive than normal," Shepard said but happily began to eat. Being a biotic definitely raised one's enthusiasm for food, too.

"Not that it would be a problem for you. How many places must you own? Do you just buy a property on every world we travel to?"

Shepard shook his head. "All gone," he said between mouthfuls.

"What do you mean 'all gone'? Surely you don't have a gambling problem I don't know about."

"Exactly what it sounds like. It's all gone." Shepard put the crust from his piece of sandwich down on the plate. "Never smart enough to do anything good with my money like buy property or shares…and, well…it costs a lot to outfit a team. Krogan armour – do you know how much that costs?"

"But you're a _Spectre!"_

"Yeah, I am. Was…and am again. Whatever. Either way, the Council were fine with outfitting me to get the job done but they were less keen on buying a Quarian a new Omni-tool or fixing the latest hole we tried to blow into the _Normandy's_ hull."

"So all that planet scanning…"

"Not out of the goodness of my heart, that's for sure. Stomping around backwater planets is not my idea of fun, especially when everywhere I go things seem to want to shoot at me."

"Why didn't you say anything? Geez, now I feel like an ass asking for non-essentials…"

"I'm the CO, Joker. It's my problem and my concern."

Joker sighed. "I think I'm the one who owes you a meal then."

"You asking me out, Joker?" Shepard asked before taking a bite of the next piece of sandwich.

"What?" Joker froze and the quarter of the sandwich he'd been holding dropped from his fingers onto his plate. He hadn't meant—He was—was he?

"I saw this place on the Citadel that does Ramen. I hear it's pretty good. Your treat."


	12. Personality Quirks

Routine. Joker liked routine. He'd lived his life on routine – it's why being in the Alliance came so easily to him when he enlisted. Get up at 0500, breakfast at 0600, at your terminal by 0700. Five minutes early in the Alliance meant you were five minutes late.

Once upon a time he had been assigned to routine missions. Transport vessels and diplomatic convoys before things got interesting and he saw some action. But his best commission would always be the _Normandy_.

He got the feeds from the squad members suits up on his screens. He had to – it told him what he had to do. It was no use waiting where he dropped the team only to have them all die waiting for him to get to where they needed a pickup. He was a good pilot – no, the best – and he went above and beyond for his team. Still, he hated the feeling of his heart in his throat every time he watched the Commander and his team busting their way through some facility – Shepard really didn't do infiltration too well – as the bullets flew around them. Hell, the Commander could at least try to be a little more diplomatic when it came to these mercenary types.

Shepard had different ideas of 'routine'.

His hands itched over the console as he switched between Garrus' and Shepard's video feeds. It was always good seeing through Garrus' feed – it reminded him that someone had Shepard's back. Garrus was always innately aware of where the Commander was and could pick off an incoming enemy before they reached Shepard, should he be distracted by anything else. They had taken Miranda, but Joker didn't really want to look in on her video feed. From what he could see, they worked well, at least.

Despite how he hated seeing the Commander run in to danger, there was something about hearing his voice over the comms that set his racing heart at ease. Hearing his voice reminded him that he was still alive. Joker leaned against his console, closed his eyes and just listened.

" _Garrus, get down! Don't go getting the other half of your face blown off!"_

" _You're just jealous all the girls like me better."_

" _Yeah, that's totally it. You know me. Always worried about the ladies."_

Joker smiled. It was nice to have Garrus back.

" _Joker!"_

Joker sat upright and hit the comms. "Yeah, Commander?"

" _Fire up the engines so we can get the hell outta here once we've got the Convict."_

"You got it. Ready and waiting. Though you may wanna get a move on it because this place is one hull breach away from scrap."

" _It's no fun if it's easy, Joker."_

"Shit…" Joker said to himself as he watched the team tear through the prison. Things like this always seemed to happen. Routine mission to pick up a crew member, routine goes to shit and crazy merc group tries to imprison Shepard, potential crew member turns out to be a psychopath (though really, surprise, surprise) and destroys base, and Shepard and co fight their way through blazing hellfire.

Why couldn't anything ever be routine?

He pulled the _Normandy_ away from the prison ship as soon as the blast doors closed. Shepard and Garrus stumbled into the hall.

"Fuck you!" He heard someone yell and Garrus was shoved out of the way against the wall. Joker spun his chair and came face to face with the woman he'd seen through Garrus' feed earlier. "What the fuck are you looking at?" she growled, folding her arms.

"From what it looks like, a healthy dose of crazy. Name's Joker. Welcome aboard."

She didn't answer immediately but her lips quirked into a smile. "I like you," she said and stormed away, growling at one of the crew that dared to get too close to her.

"Er…Commander? Really?" Joker asked.

"Yeah, I have similar thoughts," Shepard said and pulled his helmet off, dropping it on the floor at his feet. He was covered in the obligatory blood, dirt and soot.

"I'm going to clean up," Garrus said. "Been a while since I ran a gauntlet like that."

"Good idea. Nice work down there, Garrus."

Garrus smiled – or at least what Joker thought was the turian equivalent – and waved before heading towards the elevators.

"Commander, I'd like to have a mission report filed as soon as possible," Miranda said. She looked surprisingly good for someone who had just stormed a prison. Her suit was a little dirty, but otherwise she seemed like the same cold bitch she always did.

But Shepard smiled at her and touched her shoulder and God, did Miranda smile back at him?

"We'll speak later, Commander," Miranda said and Joker watched her leave. She might be a bitch but she had a fine ass.

"Tongue back in your mouth, Joker."

"Oh come on, if she didn't want people staring she wouldn't wear _that_."

"Opinion noted."

Joker looked up at Shepard. He was still watching Miranda. No way in hell Shepard was checking out her ass… Shepard didn't—

"That suit is painfully tight," he commented, folding his arms.

Joker frowned. His stomach did a flip and resettled with an uneasy feeling. "You can't actually like her, Commander. She's a crazy! She yells at people and has this evil, creepy look thing going when she's upset. Can turn a man's stomach to ice."

"It's a cover," Shepard said. "Thought you'd know all about that, Joker."

"Everyone knows I'm a good guy deep down. I'm just…gruff."

"Yeah, and all that snapping at idiotic Privates or those times you took your frustrations out on Kaidan?"

Joker bristled at the mention of Kaidan's name. Of course the Commander was going to bring him up but it didn't make him feel right; the last time he had seen Kaidan it was glaringly obvious how he still felt.

Shepard sighed and leaned against the wall. "I miss him."

"No use dwelling on the past, Commander," Joker said and spun his chair back around.

There was silence for a moment before Joker heard Shepard picking up his helmet.

"Sometimes you can be a real ass," Shepard said and Joker heard the heavy thuds of his boots as he stormed away. The uncomfortable feeling in his stomach doubled but he didn't turn to watch him leave.

* * *

Joker had pride. Pride that was sometimes hard to swallow. He wouldn't go seek someone out to apologize, nor would he ever probably apologize. He'd done nothing wrong, after all.

"Jeff, if you're going to come to physiotherapy, please at least try to pay attention."

Joker looked up at Chakwas from the ground. He had been paying attention…

"And don't give me that look simply because you are in another horrible mood."

He glared at her and looked away as he continued his exercises. He hated coming to stupid physio anyway. He hated it more when he could hear Shepard and Garrus outside in the mess, laughing away… Yeah, they were such good friends. Now that Garrus was back, who cared about lame old Joker? Why not just bring Tali back, complete the little circle of Team Awesome.

"Jeff!"

"What?"

Chakwas shook her head. "Please, just go. Go fix whatever it is that has you in such an uncooperative mood."

"How do you even know—"

"Because you stop moving every time Garrus or the Commander laughs outside, so I can simply assume that for some reason one or the other has you in such a horrible state of mind."

Joker grumbled something under his breath but pulled himself to his feet, feeling his muscles pull along his spine and down into his legs.

"You'll be sorry tomorrow, but perhaps not in such a bad mood."

"Yeah, yeah," he said and grabbed the towel on the bed, wiping it across his face and head before pulling his cap back onto his head. He pursed his lips and took a deep breath before leaving the Med Bay. If he could just—

"Look, Commander. He's done." Joker heard Garrus say as soon as he walked out the doors.

"Joker!"

Joker winced. He didn't like that tone from the Commander. It was the tone of 'you're going to get a talking to' and honestly, he'd never really been dressed down by the Commander. He looked over and tried a weak smile as Shepard joined him.

"You and I are having a talk," he said and walked ahead. Joker had no option but to follow.

"Commander, about before—" he tried to say, but Shepard all but dragged him into the Starboard Observation Deck. He closed the door behind them, locking it with a quick flick of his Omni-tool.

"What happened between you and Kaidan?" Shepard asked immediately.

Joker was cornered. He shrugged, skirting around Shepard and over to the observation window. "Nothing happened."

Shepard sighed and followed. He stopped for a moment, looking at the stars, before he hit the button and the blast screens came down. "People don't react that strongly to nothing. I mention Kaidan and you practically bite my head off. That's not 'nothing', Joker."

"Look, a lot of shit happened after you died. It's in the past."

"Not if it keeps coming up."

Joker looked up. The Commander wouldn't understand. He had to go into a whole lot of other stuff if he even wanted to start talking about why Alenko had taken such issue with him, and he really didn't want to do that. He did deserve an answer though. "Commander…"

"I told you. It's Tris."

Joker rubbed his wrist. He didn't want to be so personal when it came to this conversation. He wanted to keep Shepard at arm's distance. "Tris, then. Look, Alenko and I…"

"Alenko? Joker, you guys were friends."

"Yeah, we _were_ friends. It didn't stay that way. No one was prepared for you to die. Tali…she cried. You even heard a Quarian cry? It's messed up. Sounded like she was drowning. Liara went all sullen, like she was wilting. Garrus started snapping at everyone, tried to pick fights and then just fuckin' disappeared! Kaidan…took it harder than most, but he mostly kept it all bottled up inside like the good little Alliance Poster Boy he is." Joker huffed a short laugh. "He only took it out on me."

"What? Why?"

"I dunno!" Joker lied. He didn't want to say. It would bring up too much shit. If he started down that path, he'd be forced to the end. "Look, I have no problem with you trying to find Alenko. Just…it's been two years. A lot happened."

Shepard leaned against the window, his arms folded across his chest. "It doesn't feel like two years for me."

"Yeah, well for most of us it feels like longer. You were _gone_ and we needed you." Shepard didn't look up and Joker didn't push it. It wasn't the Commander's fault he died. He probably already felt guilty enough. "Most of us were reassigned. Kaidan was whisked away pretty quick. Serving with you probably gave him an incredible nudge career-wise. I wouldn't even know where to begin looking for him. But…just don't be surprised if he's changed. You know how he is, all strict with the Alliance protocol and regs. Makes me wonder how you two ever got along."

"Because I'm not big on regs?"

"Exactly."

"Kaidan was…" Shepard trailed off and Joker felt the uncomfortable swell in his stomach again. Though he was starting to get an unsettling inkling as to what it meant.

"He told me, y'know," Joker said and goddamn, he knew he was walking into dangerous territory but he wanted to _know_.

To Shepard's credit, he didn't even flinch. "Nothing ever happened."

"But you both wanted it to. That was for sure."

"I guess…" Shepard pushed away from the glass, rubbing the back of his neck as he paced. "I find people tend to seek out company when the world's crashing down around them. I've seen it before. Never had the heart to break up two over-eager kids that found each other during a war. Always seemed unfair. They could be walking into their deaths tomorrow; why not let them have a little fun today?"

"It's not always just about fun," Joker blurted out; too late to pull back and censor himself now.

"No…it's not. But it usually is. Clinging to reality, feeling alive… It makes you feel alive again."

"And Kaidan…?"

"Made me feel alive." Shepard sighed and looked over. "Ash was gone… It seemed like we were going to lose everything. I was selfish."

"He didn't hate it from what I gathered."

"Mm, maybe."

"So why the need to find him again? If nothing happened…"

"It's not about that. God no. Kaidan was a good soldier and a good friend. To _both_ of us. Whatever issue you two dragged up, it can be worked out."

"You find him and I promise not to be a complete dick," Joker said.

Tris nodded and went to leave but thought better of it, stopping after he unlocked the door and turned back. "Joker…I know you're not telling me everything but my offer still stands. Whenever you need someone to talk to, or you just need some company, come and see me. Even in my cabin." He paused again and brought his finger to his mouth, absently biting off the corner of his nail.

Joker pulled his cap off his head, wringing it between his hands. "For what it's worth…I'm sorry about before."

"Ah hell, Joker, you think I'm worried about that? God, I've known you too long. You and I…we get each other. In between being the scared kid from Mindoir showing biotic abilities, the Alliance super soldier, the crazy survivor from Akuze, first human Spectre, saviour of the Citadel…it's pretty hard to find anyone that actually gets _me._ So don't worry about snapping occasionally. I know you don't mean it."

Joker pulled his cap back onto his head and swallowed the growing lump in his throat. The five or so feet between them may as well have been the entire Traverse. He swallowed his pride and closed the gap between them, reaching out and placing his hand on Tris' shoulder. It was warm. "I'm still sorry. And it's hard for me to say that. It's just…shit… _two years._ It's a long time. It was hard."

Shepard raised his hand to cover Joker's. "I know. I'm sorry too."

* * *

Most of all, Joker was loyal. And a good friend. He wouldn't turn his back on anyone in real need and though he might bitch about it, he would always do the right thing. He wasn't into cheating or stealing or putting anyone else down – he'd been on the receiving end and it wasn't fun. While he could be a jerk, had a bad habit of snapping at people and taking out his mood on others, he never intentionally meant to hurt anyone and he would go out of his way for his friends.

That's the situation he found himself in, though now it was starting to seem like less of a good idea. He knew Shepard was still awake as he'd seen an almost constant stream of reports filing through for the past three hours. He had decided that if Tris was awake he would do the right thing and at least bring him some coffee; yet standing here in front of the Captain's door, holding a steaming cup of coffee, he felt incredibly stupid. Sure, he'd gone to Shepard's cabin on the old _Normandy_ , but for some reason this felt different. Perhaps because it was secluded? Or that he'd never been _here_.

The doors swished open and Joker almost dropped the mug.

"You may as well come in. Standing there isn't really helping either of us," Shepard said. He was sitting at his desk, theoretically 'buried' in paperwork as screen after screen filtered before him.

"Mission logs?"

"Yeah. The Alliance had paperwork but this is ridiculous. Miranda and the Illusive Man have all these questions. All the time, questions, questions, like why I decided to use biotics instead of shooting a guy, or then why I _didn't_ use biotics. I've never had anyone question how I fight or how I lead a squad. …not in a long time, anyway."

Joker set the mug down next to him on the desk. "Well, I find coffee solves most problems. Don't worry, I made it myself. None of that crap from the processor."

Shepard hummed happily as he lifted the mug to his lips. He smelled the coffee first before taking a careful sip. "Joker…you are an absolute hero."

Joker cleared his throat nervously. There was no way he was going to admit – even to himself – that he'd just been staring at the Commander's lips. He was just drinking coffee, dammit! He'd tried so hard to leave these thoughts behind. Shepard was… He was… Unattainable. He'd decided that a long time ago. He belonged to the likes of Miranda, or, failing that persuasion, Kaidan. Perfect…not broken.

"What are you still doing awake, anyway?" Shepard asked and set the mug down on the desk, wiping the bottom carefully to make sure it wouldn't leave a ring of coffee on the surface.

"When do I ever sleep?" Joker asked. "I was watching a vid and I saw that you kept updating files to Miranda, so…"

"So you decided to take pity on me?"

"Pretty much. You are pitiful. Though seriously, tell Miranda to get stuffed. It's past midnight. If she wants you stomping around on another planet later you need to get some sleep."

Shepard sighed and rubbed the back of his neck. His tongue flicked out across his bottom lip, seeking the non-existent scar. "I don't want to do anything that may potentially piss them off. I don't enjoy working for Cerberus, and God knows this whole ship is probably bugged from top to bottom, but at the same time I'd prefer to have them on my side rather than working against me." Shepard stood and grabbed his mug, gesturing for Joker to follow him as he stepped down into the lower level.

Joker smiled. Damn him. He would never say he was worried but he as clearly taking a break now because he didn't want to make Joker continue standing, but also didn't want to send him away. Though he was glad the Commander didn't want to send him back to his station, or worse, to his quarters.

"So…fish?" Joker asked, tapping the glass of the empty tank.

"I guess that was the intention. The fish that were in there kicked the bucket the other day. I don't think I'm meant to own pets…"

"Did you feed them?"

"Er…"

"You aren't meant to own pets. Tell you what – get some more and I'll feed them for you when you're off doing your big scary important missions. I've got nothing better to do."

"Other than fly the ship?"

"Exactly. All the time in the world to feed some fish." He stepped down into the lower quarters, looking around. "This is pretty swank, Commander!"

Shepard gave him _that_ look.

"Right, sorry, force of habit, okay? Tris. I meant Tris. But damn. Cerberus splashed out."

"Yeah…though there are some luxuries I could live without," Shepard said and sat down on the couch.

"Not into wall length fish tanks and…holy crap, a leather couch?" Joker said as he sat down, brushing his hands appreciatively over the surface of the couch. "And I thought my chair was good."

Shepard just pointed up above his bed.

"Oh wow, that's just in bad taste…"

"My thoughts exactly. How the hell am I supposed to sleep? Y'know where I finally slept last night? At my desk. Woke up face first on my terminal. Not a great look."

"Why don't you just close the blast screen then?"

Shepard went silent and Joker had the very distinct impression that this thought hadn't occurred to him. "You do know how…right?"

"…God, I'm so stupid."

Joker laughed and fell back against the couch. "Oh man… I can't believe—"

"You keep laughing and I'm going to bust you down to cleaning roster with Gardner."

"Sorry, sorry…" Joker said and held up his hands in apology. "I just…sorry, it's funny. You've been walking around like a zombie. Though it did match the whole face thing you've got going."

"Again with that. I swear, between you and Chakwas I'm going to go stark raving mad. I should just put a bag over my head."

"Please, anytime you smile you still make people weak at the knees. A few scars certainly aren't your undoing."

"Oh?"

Joker opened his mouth but had no idea what to say. He'd just stuck his foot right in his goddamn big mouth apparently. He felt his cheeks heat and he looked away, pulling at the brim of his hat and drawing it lower over his eyes. "Yeah, y'know…I just mean, you ain't bad looking, Tris. And even if the scars had massively deformed you in some way – which they haven't – you'd still be a pretty popular guy. You've got that whole charm thing going for you the ladies just love."

"Joker, we've had this discussion before. The 'ladies' don't hold much interest for me."

"Yeah, because you're Commander Tristan Shepard. Saviour of the Citadel, First Human Spectre, N7…"

"Yeah, that's it…" Shepard said with an obvious sigh and picked up his mug again.

He couldn't help himself, it seemed. Joker lifted the brim of his cap slightly and looked over. Tris was still staring at him over his mug as he blew on the coffee. The uncomfortable nausea settled in his stomach again. Shepard held the cup with long, sturdy fingers, calloused from holding guns but clean from his recent shower. This was getting stupid. This was _Shepard._ He had a job, they had a mission, and this was out of line.

"…and for you?" Shepard asked. He'd let the silence build and the question caught Joker completely off guard. "You never did tell me whether you were susceptible to the female persuasion." He grinned and took another sip of coffee.

Again Joker opened and then snapped his mouth closed. Damned if he was going to let his tongue run away with his mouth before his brain could catch up. "You know me. Just not interested, I'm afraid. The whole snapping bones thing really quashes any possibility of romance."

"Snapping bones doesn't stop a man from having certain needs, Joker. At least, the interesting sounds from your extranet terminal have led me to believe that even you have needs."

Joker's eyes went wide. Oh shit… When had the Commander heard him listening to…? "Yeah well…porn. It's funny! I don't watch it to…man, that'd just be wrong. At my terminal? Geez, what do you take me for?" It wasn't his best excuse ever, but what the hell was he supposed to say?

"Doesn't answer my question, though."

Joker felt like hiding under the nearest rock, or, failing that, crawling into some of the engineering ducts. He really didn't want to have this conversation. They had always steered clear of things like this. When romance, or possible romance, came up it had always been light hearted teasing, or dropped by the first awkward question. Damn, this was because he asked about Alenko, wasn't it? He'd opened a floodgate of embarrassing questions. "I have no preference," Joker said finally, hoping to end the conversation.

Shepard took another sip of coffee and then set the mug down on the table. "Good to know," he said.

When he smiled, Joker felt his knees go weak.


	13. Beer and Ramen

When Shepard returned from his next mission he was practically beaming. He pulled off his helmet and his smile couldn't have been any wider.

"I'm going to wake him up!"

"Shepard!" both Miranda and Joker said at the same time. The looked at each other and frowned.

"What? I like Krogan's."

"Yeah, but this ain't Wrex," Joker said, leaning forward in his seat. "You heard what Okeer was babbling about."

"Yeah, he's better than Wrex!" Again, Shepard grinned.

Joker looked away. It was insanely cute. When he smiled like that, it made his heart thump in his chest, that annoyingly uncomfortable queasiness settle in his stomach and he had to hide his own smile.

"Commander, Cerberus has strict policies—"

"Nuts to your policies. I've got a baby Krogan sitting in a cryotank and I'm waking him up. If he goes on a rampage or anything _then_ you have permission to tranquilize him or whatever else you do." Shepard turned and jogged away towards the elevators.

"He's going to get his head knocked off, isn't he?" Joker asked with a sigh.

"If he's lucky."

* * *

Shepard stared into the tank. The Krogan was asleep. "Asleep, or just pretending… EDI, can he sense anything in there?"

"Unlikely. Current neural patterns indicate minimal cognition."

He tapped the glass and there was no response. Either way, he wasn't about to leave him in that tube. If he didn't want to stay, they could take him to Tuchanka, or wherever else he wanted to go. He certainly wasn't about to hand him over to Cerberus.

"Open it up."

"Very well, Shepard. The controls are online. The switch – and the consequences – are yours."

Shepard rolled his eyes. Damn AI. He hit the switch and stepped back as the cryotube hissed. The room filled with mist as the cryogenic liquid spilled out of the tank and through the connected tubes. The great Krogan slumped and as the doors swung open he dropped from the tank to his knees, catching himself. Shepard could see his strong muscles moving in his arms as he disgorged the liquid from his lungs. With a grunt of what might be pain it dragged itself to its feet, towering over Shepard, a mass of muscle, sinew and strong bone. The Krogan's eyes narrowed as he took in his surroundings and when his eyes lay on Shepard he knew he was in trouble. He didn't have time to move and the Krogan charged, barrelling into him with the force to knock him off his feet and he was thrown into the wall. Shepard gasped as the air was knocked out of him, the Krogan's massive arm pressing against his neck and chest, holding him in place.

"Human…" It sniffed him. "Male. Before you die, I need a name."

Shepard hissed in pain. He could feel blood trickling into his mouth and his tongue flicked out to dab at his split lip. "Commander Shepard. Put me down. Fight for me – join my crew."

The Krogan sighed. "Not your name. Mine. I am trained, I know things, but the tank… Okeer could not implant connection. His words are hollow."

The Krogan had blue eyes, different to Wrex, or any other Krogan he had seen before. His head plate was ridged, separated. He really was still a baby. Shepard reached down to his thigh and drew his pistol.

"Warlord….legacy…grunt. 'Grunt' was among the last. It has no meaning. It will do." He tightened his hold against Shepard's throat. "I am Grunt. If you are worthy of your command, prove your strength and try to destroy me."

"You don't want that," Shepard choked out and pressed his free hand onto the arm crushing him.

"Want? There is no want. I am meant to fight. Nothing in the tank ever asked what I want." He leaned forward and Shepard bit his lip at the new pain pressing against his chest. "I feel nothing for Okeer or his enemies. That imprint failed. He failed. Without a reason that is mine, one fight is as good as any. Might as well start with you."

Shepard pressed Grunt back with the hand on its arm, just enough to take a ragged breath. "I'll say it again: Put me down. I won't ask again."

"You are unworthy. You will die first. I am stronger in every way. The tank showed many imprints of human weakness – where to break your spine, the shortest path to organs. You words are worthless."

Shepard looked down and pressed his gun into Grunt's side. "Let's see who dies first. I'm game."

It came as a surprise. Grunt looked down and recognition paled his expression. His thick lips drew back. "Heh…you offer with one hand, but arm the other. Maybe you are worthy." He pulled his arm back and stepped away. Shepard dropped to his feet and raised the gun, not taking his opportunity to fill his lungs with anything other than short, shallow breaths.

"You will give me strong enemies?"

"The strongest. You'll get your fair share of worthy battles. But if you try that again, I will shoot you."

"Wise, Shepard. If I find a clan, I will be honoured to eventually pit them against you." Grunt turned and stretched, the bones cracking in his neck and back, and lumbered back toward his tank, taking in everything around him. "I will be here," he said. "It is acceptable."

Shepard lowered his gun, but didn't holster it just yet. No sense in leaving himself unarmed. "I'll let everyone know you're with us. Don't start trouble, understand?"

"If your clan is worthy, I shall fight by their side."

That didn't fill Shepard with hope but he'd take it. This was a baby Krogan, who only knew what Okeer had implanted in him, which was patchy at best. There would probably be incidents but he was confident that most of his crew could handle themselves, even against a Krogan.

"Tell me if you need anything."

* * *

"You picking up the space rejects again, Commander?" Joker asked and shook his head. "So far you've picked up a psychopathic all-powerful biotic, a scientist who talks so fast even I can barely keep up, Garrus, who decided to finally pull that stick out of his ass, 'cept now he's beating people to death with it, and now a genetically perfect Krogan with the comprehension of a toddler. Not to mention the boatful of Cerberus agents we're floating 'round with. None of this makes me feel particularly _safe_."

"Think of it as a challenge. What about Jack? She seems to like you."

"Because I leave her the hell alone. I'm smart."

"And Mordin's not all bad…"

"You can't stand him."

"Yeah, I can't. He drives me insane. I don't even know what he's talking about most of the time and don't have the patience to try keep up."

"Uh-huh. So…gonna convince me about any of the others?"

"Okay, so they have their problems. But I hear this next one is good."

Joker patched through to the Citadel navigations. He always liked docking at the Citadel. The traffic always made flying interesting, especially because he'd never let some dumb auto-pilot take over.

Despite EDI's insistence.

"The auto-pilot is specifically tailored to interact with central command centres to dock at approved stations and planets, Mr Moreau."

"Yeah, like you told me before. This is me not listening to you."

"Doesn't that thing come with a mute button?" Shepard asked. He still didn't see the need for the AI. Generally it was announcing something inane, or telling him information he'd rather get from his crew.

"Princess Bitch told me off for putting it on mute. Said that EDI had important information for me and if I had it on mute then I'd be putting the mission in jeopardy. The only important information it seems to give is constantly reminding me that I, apparently, suck at flying."

"You are incorrect, Mr Moreau. My comments on your ability to pilot are merely helpful suggestions and factual information based on flight data."

"Yeah, whatever." His hands flitted over the screens and he steered the _Normandy_ toward the Citadel and their specific docking bay. "So who is this nut job we're picking up?"

"They could be perfectly normal for all you know," Shepard said.

"But they're not."

"No." Shepard sighed. "Apparently she is a master thief and, like usual, her help comes at a price. I hear she's very good at what she does, though."

"Sounds like fun… Let's just hope she doesn't swipe everything good off the ship and ditch us at the next port. I don't want to have to check the _Normandy_ every time she leaves the ship in case she stole something."

"I swear she won't be taking unauthorized salvage from the ship anytime soon. Though after we finish this bloody mission perhaps then we'll worry."

"Right…forgive me if I keep an eye on her anyway."

"Joker, you keep an eye on everyone. We're all used to it," Shepard said but placed his hand on Joker's shoulder.

Just focus on flying… Joker breathed out, steadying his shaking hand with sheer willpower. He wasn't going to crash the ship just because Shepard was touching him. It was just his hand…on his shoulder. That's it. Except it didn't move and stayed there until the _Normandy_ pulled into the berth, perfectly aligned. Hah, take that EDI. His heart was racing and he could still pilot the ship better than any auto-pilot.

"Nice work, Joker."

"Done it a million times."

"Still…it's different seeing it from up here." He removed his hand and Joker frowned at the rush of cool air that touched him instead.

"I always said I had the best seat on the ship," Joker said. "So, just picking up this master thief? Or should I expect you to be away for a while?"

"You shouldn't expect anything. You're coming with me."

"What?"

"You promised me dinner, remember?"

He couldn't be serious… Joker stared up at the Commander, who was looking out the window eagerly. They'd just been messing around. He'd never been ashore with anyone from the crew except some engineers. Hell, he barely went ashore when commissioned to a ship. He never really found much need when he could coordinate most things from the helm. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd been to the Citadel for a _leisure_ visit.

"Go on. Go put on something less…Cerberus-y. Miranda and Jacob might get away with splashing the logo everywhere, but they can handle themselves. You, while I reckon you'd give someone a good go, might have more issues."

"Okay…" Joker said, but he could hear the waiver in his voice. "Is someone—?"

"All covered. No one will destroy your precious ship while you're gone. I promise it will be exactly the way you left it."

Joker did as he was told, but not without a great deal of trepidation. He wasn't good with crowds and it didn't get much more crowded than the Wards on the Citadel. While he could now walk unaided, he wasn't exactly stable on his feet, nor was he indestructible. If he fell, he would still break a bone. He still had to be careful.

The only thing he had to wear was an old Alliance shirt and dark blue pants. It wasn't a Cerberus uniform, but it was showing its age. Considering he had it packed in his bag for over a year and a half now, he couldn't really expect anything else. He smiled and tugged at the shirt. The sleeves were a little tight around his biceps and there wasn't as much room around his chest. Maybe all those damn PT sessions with Cerberus doctors actually helped. His pants weren't as tight, that was for sure. He looped the belt around his waist before he left.

Shepard was talking to Garrus near the airlock. Garrus was holding his rifle and nodding at something Shepard had said. Both were in full armour, guns strapped to their sides and backs.

"Are we expecting trouble, because I've gotta say I'm not going to be much help as your third squad mate."

Shepard smiled. "No trouble, but you never can be too sure. Here." He held out a pistol and holster.

"You've giving the cripple a gun?" Joker asked. He took both but just held them. Yes, he knew how to fire a gun. He'd had all the training, just minus the whole running marathons and climbing walls BS, but even firing a gun came with the risk of fracturing if not breaking bones.

"There's not much kick and it's light. I reckon with your new Cerberus sponsored upgrades you should be able to handle it fine. You're probably a little rusty, that's all."

He had no reply for that. He knew that in all honesty he'd be absolutely rubbish in a gun fight. He would probably drop the pistol trying to free it from the holster, or forget to remove the safety before firing. He had no armour, no shields and he couldn't slide into cover without breaking a hip, but the pure fact that _despite_ all of that Shepard had still given him a gun, that he could trust him to look after himself and perhaps even after the Commander in a tight spot... He nodded and strapped the holster around his thigh, clipping it to his belt and secured the pistol in place, checking the readouts.

"See, told ya, Garrus. Once a soldier, always a soldier."

Garrus laughed. "Whatever you say, Shepard. I'll meet up with you later."

"Hope you brought that credit chit, Joker, because I'm hungry. Don't expect me to take it easy because you're paying."

"Whatever you want," Joker said. "My treat, right?"

* * *

Joker couldn't say he was surprised at the sheer amount of trouble that seemed to follow Shepard, though. He was like a magnet. Flypaper for freaks. As they walked he heard people whispering, heck, some asari chic even asked for an autograph. He was kind of glad that no one had any idea who he was.

Right up until they met Kalisah Al-Jilani.

"And you are Systems Alliance Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, pilot of the fated _Normandy_."

Joker had no idea what to do when faced with a reporter. It was like all his fears flooded back to him. Usually he would have a snappy response for most people, bring them down a peg or two, but this was the exact reason he left the Citadel. He'd holed up on Mars because he wouldn't have to talk about what happened.

"Can you tell me what it felt like to lose the _Normandy_? How is it that you missed the craft and failed to manoeuvre out of firing range? The _Normandy_ was the fastest and best equipped craft in the Alliance."

"Hey!" Both Joker and the woman jumped. Shepard's shoulders shook and he had clenched his fist next to his pistol in an effort to stay his hand. "You _do not_ ask him questions like that."

"Commander Shepard, we're just trying to bring our audience the whole story."

Shepard held up his hand and a surge of blue energy shot the camera across the room. It smashed against the far wall near an elcor and asari couple. The debris rained onto the elcor, who was nowhere near agile enough to move.

"This interview is over. If you ever come near me or any of my crew again, that—" He pointed at the wrecked camera. "Will happen to you. Understand me?"

She nodded with absolute terror in her eyes; her hand gripped the datapad like a lifeline, her fingers white.

Joker followed Shepard but didn't dare speak to him. He could see how angry he was. It was obvious; the slight tremor in his shoulders, his stooped posture and thumping footsteps, and the way he possessively groped the gun at his side.

"I'm sorry, Joker."

"You're apologizing to me?" It had taken him a while this time. Almost ten minutes to finally say anything. He was really angry.

"She had no right to question you."

"Yeah, but she did. Just like everyone else did. It's not the first time, Commander. Had to file all the reports, remember? Everyone was pretty eager to pin it on _someone_."

Shepard stopped and turned. "I'm sorry for that too. I should have been there. It was my ship…my crew and therefore my fault."

"You couldn't help dying, Shepard. Not like you were in control of that."

"I keep forgetting how long it was. Two years. Two years you were all putting up with shit like that."

"Most of us got away. It was swept under the rug."

"Right. Alliance is pretty good with the red tape. What level are we on anyway? How do I always get lost in the Wards?"

Joker shook his head. "This way. I looked it up before."

Shepard fell into step next to Joker. He had to slow down considerably but he would never say a word, or even make it obvious that he was pacing himself. "See, this is why you're my pilot."

"No, I'm your pilot because I'm the best. This is just part of being the best. 'Make sure your CO doesn't get lost'; Check!" He made a mark in the air to emphasize his point. "No one can do what I do. I offer an invaluable service all for one low, low price."

"You know, I reckon with your skills you could secure yourself a pretty cushy position as an XO of a ship."

"You kidding me? Hell no. That's way too much paperwork for a guy like me. All those regulations and you don't even get to fly. 'Sides, they'd stick me on some lame transport ship that never sees any action because I'm completely incapable of taking care of my crew or ship."

"The pay would be good."

"I was offered a job as a Flight Instructor at the Academy."

"You didn't take it."

"Of course not! It was mainly to keep me quiet and out of the way, but I could never be an instructor. I'd feel sorry for the students. Besides…planets, stations? They don't feel right. Flying feels right. It's been a long time since Arcturus."

"It's been a long time since Mindoir."

"Exactly. They're still there, but we moved on. We've got sea legs, my Granddad used to say. You can't go back. Hey look, see, what did I tell you?" Joker pointed just past another store to the Ramen stand. "Told you I'm the best."

"Hands down, you're the best. No argument from this quarter."

Joker was somewhat surprised when Shepard ordered two beers to accompany their meal. Sure, he knew the Commander drank on social occasions but ordering beer out seemed not like him. When he was off the _Normandy_ he always watched that he was in complete control.

"Hm, tastes weird. Guess this is supposed to be Japanese beer? Apparently Ramen was a Japanese delicacy or something."

"Never had it."

"Me either. I just heard people talking about it. So, why not? You don't object, I hope."

"I'll eat anything, including the crap Gardner turns out. Noodles and beer is cool with me."

"Philistine…" he heard someone mutter over his shoulder but he ignored it. So he didn't know much about cuisine. Big deal. He knew his speciality.

Shepard sighed and leaned against the counter. "I was trying to work on this whole biotic thing before. Chakwas says I have to work on control again. It's like learning how to write with your other hand." He lifted his beer with his left hand, wrinkling his nose at the unfamiliarity. "You know how to do it, but something feels wrong and it doesn't turn out how you expected."

"Didn't look like you had a problem before."

Shepard shook his head. "Not like that. Wait…" He let out a small breath of air and focussed on the counter. The wooden chopstick in front of Joker sprang into the air, standing on its end, but the effect was short lived. The chopstick splintered in half and the two pieces fell to the counter.

"Commander, moving things around like pens or throwing a pillow across a room is the sort of crap that kids high on Red Sand do."

"It's not the same. I used to be able to disarm an enemy with biotics, or move objects without anyone knowing it had happened. It's an important skill. It was what I was best at. That fine control takes years of practice. It's the difference between removing a knife from someone's hand and gutting him with it."

"And now?"

"I'm gutting a lot of people. I try to pull them into the air and they go flying into the ceiling and drop back in a pile. I don't like killing and I especially don't like killing anyone unintentionally."

Joker took another swig from his beer. Sometimes Shepard was very strange. He was a trained N7, a Spectre…yet he hated killing and would actively try to find another route out of situations, sometimes putting himself in even more danger.

"I used to be able to touch someone and force them to drop a gun. Nerves are all very susceptible to the right pressure. Now I'm sure I'd kill someone. Crush them, probably."

He slowly lowered his bottle, remembering what Kaidan had told him about the night at the club.

" _He's fast, and strong – far more in control than I am. His control of his biotics is…amazing. It was like every time he touched me every nerve in my body fired around his fingers."_

"That must have other interesting uses," he said and hid his wavering voice behind the bottle.

"Been watching too many vids on the extranet, Joker?"

"Just a thought," he said and smirked. Shepard just stared at him before his own lips quirked into a grin.

"Tell him he has pretty blue eyes. Hmmm…he does, doesn't he? Like the night sky. Dark and filled with clouds. You can tell a lot about a man through his eyes."

Joker froze. He could hear the voice in his ear, feel someone near him, but saw nothing. He reached for his pistol but he was far too slow. Shepard was on his feet, his pistol drawn, aiming just past Joker.

"Show yourself," he demanded.

A shimmer appeared next to Joker before stabilizing. A woman, her hood drawn over her head to veil her hair and shade her face. "So sensitive. Did I interrupt anything? I sure hope not. You looked like you were having fun!"

"Who are you? Name. Now."

"My, my, he's no fun is he?" she asked Joker, giving him a nudge. "Did you really bring him out on a date? I can't say I approve of your taste."

"Now!"

By now most of the Ward was staring at them, including the chef and the other patrons, who moved away but didn't run.

"Put the gun away, Shepard. You're scaring these nice people and I am unarmed. You wouldn't shoot an unarmed woman, would you?"

It took a moment but he did lower his gun, though he didn't holster the weapon. He sat back down, perched on the edge of the stool.

"There, that's better." She waved at the chef and tutted at a lady staring at them. "No need for violence. My name is Kasumi Goto. I believe you were looking for me. Or at least you should have been looking for me."

"How do I know you are the thief?"

"Shh…do you want everyone to hear you? I believe when I told you to come to the kiosk I gave you a passphrase that no one else would know." She leaned forward a little more. "Silence is golden."

Shepard paused and then nodded. "Alright. I'm convinced. Or at least I have to be, considering no one has a picture of you."

"I'm a master thief. I don't generally let people take my photo. I was expecting you to come to the kiosk as soon as you arrived on the Citadel but instead you walked right past. I see someone else has your attention. And you are…?" She stared pointedly at Joker.

"Joker… Helmsman."

"Ah, the illustrious Alliance Pilot Jeff Moreau. Of course. I should have suspected as much."

"You know him?"

"Of course. Everyone knows of Joker. Though I wouldn't have expected to see him on the Citadel eating Ramen with Commander Shepard."

"He's buying. You want some?"

"I can't say no to Ramen."

"…what? Hey! How much do you think I make? Ah geez, now I have to feed squad members? That'd be right. Fine, go ahead, spend my money! That's what girls do, isn't it?"

"You calling me a girl, Joker?" Shepard asked, a laugh barely concealed in his tone.

"I think he called you a girl," Kasumi agreed.

"What? No! Goddamn… I don't like you."

"You'll have to be quick with me aboard. Though I've heard of your so called wit, so it will be fun to banter with you, I think!"

Joker sighed and rubbed his head under his hat.

"So what was this about pretty eyes…?" Shepard asked, leaning closer to Joker. "What can you tell about me from my eyes?"

Joker looked up too suddenly, knocking his hat off his head and coming face to face with Shepard, who had that damn sly grin again. He caught his hat quickly before it could roll away and wrung it between his hands. Dammit! Why was he always reduced to a babbling idiot around this man? If it were anyone else he'd have a snappy line, the perfect comeback. Now he was just staring.

"I always found your eyes fascinating. Green…unusual colour."

"Do you think he wears contacts?" Kasumi asked, leaning over in her seat to stare at Shepard.

"No, not vain enough. They're natural." Shepard smiled again. "Just natural Joker. Some people don't need enhancements."

Joker grabbed his beer and tore his gaze away to stare at the bar. No…the Commander wouldn't be flirting with him. The idea was preposterous. Hadn't he just said he was handsome though? Of course he could be reading too much into it… God, when Shepard smiled like that he just wanted to throw caution to the wind.

"I think we've embarrassed him."

"Joker doesn't have anything to be embarrassed about. He's the best helmsman in the galaxy. He just so happens to have a lot of other qualities going for him. Picking up should be the least of his worries."

"So we should be planning shore leave on Illum? The asari dancers are quite exquisite."

"Joker deserves someone who really cares for him. Not some one night stand," Shepard said and downed the last of his beer.

"It sounds like you're trying to set me up. I already have a girlfriend and her name is _Normandy_ and we're very happy together."

"Really, because everyone's been saying you and that nasty AI are having a fling."

"What? God I hate people. This is why I don't talk to anyone."

"'Cept me," Shepard said.

Joker felt Shepard's gloved hand brush against his arm, a small crack of energy firing through his nerves. He pulled his hand away, startled. It tingled through the nerves up his arm before dissipating. Okay, he hadn't imagined that. But Shepard was busy ordering another beer, like nothing had happened.

"Friendly, much?" Kasumi asked with a giggle – dear lord, did she giggle?

"He's always like this. Barely knows how to be serious," Joker said in return. "He's pretty friendly with all his crew mates."

"Doesn't look like just 'friendly' to me," she said.

"Okay, you need to stop talking." He couldn't have been happier when the chef placed the bowl of Ramen in front of him. It gave him an excuse to stop being social. Unfortunately Kasumi more than made up for that.

"So Shepard, what's it like being a big space hero?"

"I'm no hero. I was just in the right place, right time."

"That's a lot of right places and apparently, you're very punctual. I like that in a man."

"Yeah, me too." Shepard grinned.

Joker just about spat his noodles back into his bowl. C'mon, Shepard, you just met this crazy woman! Damn, never leave the ship, _never_ leave the ship.

"He's very modest, isn't he?" Kasumi asked and elbowed Joker. He grumbled in response but didn't say anything. "Oh come now, don't be so prickly. Or maybe that's part of your charm. Bit of a bad boy, are you?"

"I'm the worst," Joker mumbled.

"Oh, I bet. I mean, only a real bad boy could get Commander Shepard to sit down and eat Ramen with him on the Citadel instead of completing a mission."

"You're just jealous I find him more compelling than you," Shepard said and poked through his bowl with his chopsticks. "How am I supposed to eat with these damn things anyway? Goddamn, a man could starve to death!"

Joker put down his own chopsticks. "Well you're holding them all wrong. Here…" He grabbed Shepard's hand and righted his grip. "It would be easier without the damn gloves. How do you even feel anything through those things?"

"How indeed?" Kasumi asked with a small titter of a laugh.

"Maybe I should ask you. You still have my other pair."

Joker immediately pulled away. "Ah yeah…I do. I tried to have them cleaned but man, turian blood, hey? I binned them. You should buy some new ones."

"Huh…okay. Guess we'll swing by one of the stores on the way back. I should really buy some more fish. You meant it when you said you'd feed them, right? Because I really don't want them to die. I felt horrible."

"You killed fish?" Kasumi asked.

"Not intentionally. I didn't decide on some impromptu target practice or anything. I just…didn't know they needed to be fed so often."

"Or at all," Joker said. "Course I'll feed the poor things. If more fish die you might get a complex. Commander Shepard, Slayer of Fish."

"Hey come on, that's just mean."

"No, I can see it. Catchy name. Anything with fins should quake in fear."

Joker laughed. Okay, maybe Kasumi wasn't all bad. He could see himself liking her as long as her jokes weren't aimed at him. Harmlessly teasing other people he was totally okay with.

"What have I done…" Shepard sighed. He tried to pick up another noodle with his chopsticks and it slipped back into his bowl. "Oh goddamit. Can I have a fork over here?"

* * *

"See, happy fishies. Told you they'd be fine."

Shepard folded his arms, peering into the fish tank. "I can see it in their eyes; they're already planning suicide."

"Don't be so dramatic. They're just fish. They're not plotting anything."

"Then why are they staring at me?"

"Because they're hoping for food. Can't say they're very smart if they're hoping _you'll_ feed them."

"Mm, well they can keep hoping then. I wipe my hands clean of them. If they die, it's on your head."

"I'm sure I can take the pain."

Shepard leaned forward and tapped the glass, making the fish dart away. "I suppose they look happy. Hey…thanks for coming out with me today."

Joker looked up but Shepard was still staring into the tank. Once they'd finished eating, Kasumi had disappeared – literally – and promised to meet them back on the ship. So Joker braved the press of crowds to buy fish and gloves. It had been very surreal following the Commander around. People looked at him, and for once not because he was the freak with the leg braces, but because he was with Shepard. More importantly, Shepard looked like his bodyguard. That was something to stare at apparently. "I thought I asked you out."

"Yeah, you did." Shepard laughed and leaned against the fish tank, still staring into the water. "It was good. Normal. Well, sort of normal. Like old times."

"I don't think I ever went out to get food with you."

"I always asked whether you wanted to come with us."

"And I always said no. Remember, antisocial jerk?"

"Anyway, thanks. I know you don't like going out."

"…I don't hate it. Depends on the company."

"And?"

"I enjoyed the company." Joker pressed the button on the front of the tank, releasing the food into the water. The fish swam up to the top in a spiral of colour. "Anyway, seeya Tris."


	14. Event Horizon

" _Change of plans, Commander. Urgent message coming in from the Illusive Man. Patching him through to the comm room."_

Shepard frowned. Great, just what he wanted. He stepped down from the Galaxy Map and headed into the comm room. The desk sank into the deck and he stepped into the holo area.

"What is it?" he asked. The Illusive Man was sitting in his chair, casually taking a draw from his cigarette.

"Shepard. Nice to see you again."

Shepard folded his arms, leaning his weight to the side. "Yeah, same. What's the problem?"

"Horizon just went silent."

Shepard narrowed his eyes. "The Collectors?"

"If it hasn't been attacked yet, it soon will be. Has Dr Solus discovered the counter measure for the seeker swarms?"

"Not yet. Though who knows with him. He might have got distracted by something shiny."

Shepard wasn't sure, but he could have sworn the Illusive Man smiled.

"I have intel that one of your former crew, Kaidan Alenko, is stationed on Horizon."

Shepard froze. Kaidan. It couldn't be. Why would he be out in the Terminus?

"Officially, the Alliance is trying to improve relations with the Terminus colonies. But they're up to something. If they sent Alenko, it must be big."

"That can't be a coincidence. I'm investigating the Collectors and the attacks on the colonies, and Kaidan shows up?"

"Perhaps you should take it up with him. I don't want the Alliance getting in our way. Get in and get out. Once you have the situation under control, I'll contact the Alliance for cleanup."

"Patch through the coordinates. We'll head straight there. I want to find out what this is about." Shepard turned and stalked out. Mordin better have a solution to this swarm problem.

"Shepard!" Mordin exclaimed as the Commander entered the lab. "Good to see you."

"Tell me you have something. I don't want to be heading into a swarm unarmed, as it were."

Mordin smiled and gestured him over. "I think you will be most pleased."

* * *

"These upgrades had better do their job," Miranda said as they looked over the low wall. Horizon was silent.

" _Should confuse detection, make us invisible to swarms. In theory."_

"In theory, he says," Shepard said.

" _Look forward to seeing if you survive."_

"Is it alright not to like him?" Garrus asked.

"Don't tell him you heard it from me. Move out." Shepard slipped out of cover and headed down the hill towards the encampment. The seeker bugs fluttered around them, but either stayed at a distance or swooped down only to veer away last moment to rejoin the swarm. For now, at least, the new tech was doing its intended job.

"Shepard." Miranda pointed up ahead and they slipped behind cover. Collectors. The Illusive Man was right.

Out of all the strange alien races Shepard had encountered during his life, the Collectors were right up there on the creepy level. Giant bugs with glowing eyes? They were the stuff of nightmares.

"They've spotted us!" Garrus yelled from his vantage point. He fired his sniper rifle and took one down clean.

Shepard stormed out of cover, his pistol drawn. He had never been very good at defensive fighting, anyway. He approached the first Collector and kicked it while it was still startled by their attack. Two bullets to the head and it went down. He rolled back behind cover as bullets hit the ground by his feet, the dirt spraying into the air.

"Shepard! Get down!" Garrus yelled and a rocket burned past Shepard's head. He heard the boom of the sniper rifle and the Collector dropped, slumped over the wall he had hidden behind.

"All clean, Commander," Miranda said and ran to his side, crouching down in the dirt. "They weren't expecting us but they'll be on their guard now. Best to move quickly."

They headed down the path towards the main colony. It was silent except for the buzz of the Collector swarms above their heads.

" _Comman—tting all kinds… -ference. We can't maintain…"_

Shepard put his hand to his helmet, cringing at the sound of static. "Joker? Joker! Come in, _Normandy_."

"It's dead," Garrus said. "Do you think they're under attack?"

"Joker can handle himself. Let's just keep our minds down here." But saying it didn't stop him from casting an apprehensive look up towards the sky. He knew Joker could handle the _Normandy_ but he still worried.

They ran ahead and met another Collector group. Collectors and husks. God he hated husks. They were once humans. That's what made it all the more sick. These were the colonists and he took no pleasure in destroying them, but he had no choice.

"I always thought the husks were Geth tech?" Garrus asked. He pressed the nose of his rifle into the flesh of one of the downed husks once they were clear.

"The technology came from Sovereign," Miranda said, scanning the area, her pistol raised.

"The Illusive Man was right, it seems. Proof right here that the Collectors and the Reapers are connected. Great…I was almost hoping he was wrong."

"If we take down the Collectors it will seriously hamper the Reapers progress, Shepard," Miranda said.

"These were colonists…" Shepard said with a sigh. "They don't deserve this."

"No…" Miranda said and lowered her weapon. "These aren't the colonists. On Eden Prime they used great spikes to turn people into husks. We haven't seen any here. The Collectors have taken the colonists. Alive."

"We might find survivors. Let's move," Shepard said. Whatever was going on, husks were beyond help. There was no use dwelling on their fate.

"It's just like Freedom's Progress," Miranda said as they ran. "Everyone's just gone."

They slid into cover as another group of Collectors fired at them. Shepard downed one of the advancing husks and a shot from Garrus dropped the Collector hiding behind a pillar.

"What the hell is that…?" Shepard asked, peering over the crate. One of the Collectors was pulled into the air, its skin – plates, whatever – cracking apart, infused with a bright glow.

"Assuming direct control."

"What the hell is that thing?" Garrus asked.

"No idea. Just shoot it!"

They focused their attentions on the new Collector. It walked towards Shepard, ignoring the barrage of bullets from the squad.

"Get back, Shepard!" Miranda yelled.

"Shit!" Shepard scrambled backwards as a wave of dark energy surged towards him. The crate shattered. He clicked the trigger and his pistol beeped at him. Overheated and sink expired. He reached back and grabbed his shotgun. He raised his hand and threw a biotic surge towards the Collector. It hit the Collector's shields and dissipated.

"Shepard!" Garrus yelled.

Shepard felt his fingers go slack around the shotgun. His head was pounding. It sounded like someone was shouting into his ear.

" _Shepard…_ "

He looked up. The Collector… It knew him. It knew his name. He raised his shotgun with shaky hands and pulled the trigger. The spray hit the Collector and knocked him backwards and another shot disintegrated the fractured body. Shepard dropped his gun, breathing hard. "What the _hell_ was that?" he yelled.

"Are you alright?" Garrus asked and held out his hand and helped Shepard to his feet.

"It knew my name, Garrus."

"What do you mean?" Miranda asked. She leaned down and picked up Shepard's weapons and handed them back to him.

"It said my name. It came straight at me. It wanted _me_."

Miranda shook her head. "We don't have time, Shepard. We need to keep moving."

"Easy for you to say. A crazy glowing bug didn't try to rip your head off."

Miranda looked at him with something that may have been sympathy, he wasn't sure, but the expression didn't last long before she turned and headed away. Garrus patted him on the back with a more genuine look of apology before they followed her.

"That looks like the settlement's control bunker," Miranda said and pointed across the camp. "We might be able to get access to the defences."

"That'd be nice." Shepard led the group across the camp and Garrus crouched down to bypass the lock on the doors. They swept open; it was dark inside, the only light coming from the glowing consoles and pinprick lights on the machines.

"There's someone here!" Garrus said and raised his gun.

Shepard placed his hand on Garrus' arm and shook his head. This was no Collector. "We're friends. Come on out."

A man peeked out from around one of the machines before stepping into the light. "You're human! You need to get out! You'll lead them right here."

Shepard holstered his gun. "We've cleared a path. All you're going to find out there is a bunch of dead bodies. What are you doing in here?"

"We lost our comm signals a few hours ago. I came down here to check the main grid. Then I heard screaming. They got Lilith! I looked outside and there were swarms of…bugs. Everyone they touched froze. I sealed the doors." The man paced back and forth across the floor, rubbing at his arms. "This is all the Alliance's fault! They stationed that guy here and built those defence towers. It made us a target!"

"Defence towers?" Miranda asked. "Why weren't they used against the ship?"

"Ah, those have never worked right!" he said and shook his head. "You'll need to calibrate the targeting system."

"We can figure it out. Just tell us where to find it," Miranda said.

"The main transistor is on the other side of the colony. Pretty hard to miss. The targeting controls are at the base."

"You'd better stay here," Shepard said. He pulled his pistol and ejected the heat sink. It clattered to the ground, burning hot. "You'll be no help to us."

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking too," the man said. "I'll let you out and then I'm locking the doors. I'm not taking any chances."

They left him. There wasn't much they could do for him and he'd managed to survive this long holed up in the shed, so chances are he'd make it as long as he stayed put. Shepard couldn't be too angry with the guy – what could he have done against the Collectors? Not everyone was a biotic or a trained soldier. These were just colonists. They didn't stand a chance.

But Kaidan was somewhere here. He had to be. Had he already been taken by the Collectors? Sickness settled in Shepard's stomach. The thought of Kaidan being taken by those bugs, taken god knows where for god knows what…

They reached a set of buildings and Shepard felt the anger rising up through him. These damn things wouldn't take his friends. Everyone had a reason for fighting and this was his reason. He would protect the people he cared about; he would fight for them when no one else would. The sounds of the battle drowned out around him until everything was a blur of movement and white noise and when he heard the voice in his head calling him, taunting him, he saw red. He rushed forward, feeling gravity pull him back into space as he slammed into the Collector and knocked it to the floor. It reached up towards him and he clicked the trigger on his shotgun, the nose of the gun pressed to the Collectors head.

"Shepard! Get back!" Garrus yelled from his spot atop a crate. He was looking past Shepard towards the buildings.

Shepard looked up as the massive creature lumbered out of the building. Its grotesque physique was an amalgamation of body parts, like cancerous growths distending its form. He slipped behind a wall for cover when he heard the explosion of its cannon. He looked out just as it tore across the ground. The energy wave hit him and he flew backwards against the wall, pain tearing through his body. His HUD flashed warning signals, beeping in his ear. His shields were depleted. Shepard groaned and held his arm to his chest, wincing at the lancing pain. No blood, no broken bones, but his nerves felt like they were on fire.

"Shepard! Status?" Miranda yelled from her position across the field.

"Shields down! And…in a lot of pain." He dragged himself to his feet and picked up his shotgun from the ground where he had dropped it.

"Stay back until your shields recharge."

Like hell. That thing was massive. He pressed himself against the wall and looked out at the monstrous body that shambled down the walkway toward them. He heard the gun fire too late. The bullets struck him, punching straight through his armour. He dropped to his knees, two spots of blood dripping to the ground before his suit sealed the wounds, medi-gel oozing across his skin. He crawled backwards, pressing his eyes closed as he waited for the pain to dissipate.

"Shepard, are you alright?" Garrus asked, crouching beside him.

"Yeah… That thing's dead then?"

"Miranda got it."

"Shepard! I told you to stay back!" Speak of the devil.

"It's just a gunshot wound. I've been shot before."

"That's no excuse. What if that had gone through your helmet, or your chest plate? I don't want to be bringing you back from the dead again."

Shepard sighed as the anaesthetic qualities of the medi-gel took effect, his skin cold around the wound in his shoulder and bicep. "I wasn't about to just leave you to it, hide in a corner and wait till it all went away."

Miranda folded her arms. "You're an idiot."

"And you wouldn't have me any other way," Shepard said. He accepted Garrus' hand and dragged himself back to his feet. Miranda made a small sound and smiled – just a little bit.

They moved through the buildings but only found empty rooms and two frozen colonists, stuck in the stasis field the Collector swarms inflicted upon them, their faces etched in horror. There was nothing they could do to help them.

"This must be it," Miranda said.

Garrus easily hacked through the security system and the doors slid open. The field was empty and the GARDIAN transmitter sat in the middle.

"Well, this is a trap if I've ever seen one," Shepard said and flicked his fingers to his squad mates, indicating their positions on the field.

They got to the controls and Shepard motioned to Garrus. "Get it online."

"Just give me a second," Garrus said and began to work.

" _Comma—Commander? This is Joker."_

"Joker! What happened?"

" _Looks like the Collectors were jamming the comms. Signals weak, but I've got you."_

Shepard smiled. "Yeah, you do. Can EDI bring the defence towers online and calibrate the targeting system?"

" _Errors in the calibrating system are easily rectified, but it will take time to bring the towers to full power,"_ EDI said. _"I recommend a defensive posture. I will not be able to mask the increased generator output."_

"Fantastic," Shepard said. "Just get it done fast, EDI. I don't want to be here longer than necessary."

" _Shepard! There's a large energy signature heading your way fast,"_ Joker said. _"Better ready those weapons."_

They looked up towards the large Collector vessel that hovered above the colony. Shepard squinted, his HUD sending him signals and readouts on the approaching Collector. He couldn't see it properly until it closed in on them. Like a great floating crab it hit the ground and the earth rumbled.

"Get down!" Shepard yelled and they dove for cover. The new Collector shot out a particle beam, the ground frying around them. Shepard heard the crack of Garrus' rifle nearby.

"It's just absorbs damage!" Garrus said as he loaded another round. "I'm hitting it dead on."

Shepard took a deep breath and pulled the rocket launcher from his pack. "Cover me because I'm going to do something stupid."

"Shepard!" Miranda reprimanded but he ignored her. He ran out of cover and let his biotics propel him towards the large Collector. The air was sucked out of his lungs as he felt himself dive through space and hit the wall of gravity on the other side. He dropped to his knees under the Collector and discharged a rocket. It hit the Collector's shields and he heard the emergency signals from his own suit as his shields dropped. It was risky but without risk there was no reward. He rolled out of the way behind the Collector. Another crack of Garrus' rifle and he saw the bullet tear through the Collector. Nice shot. But if that thing blew, he was way too close and without shields he'd take the full brunt of the damage. The creature dropped to the ground and he felt the rumble beneath his feet. It was now or never. He loaded another rocket and pulled the trigger. The rocket burned behind him and found its target as Shepard dove for cover behind some crates. The boom echoed around him as he covered himself.

"It's down!" he heard Garrus say over the comms. "Nice shooting."

The GARDIAN system whirred into life and the huge turrets aimed at the Collector vessel.

"Maybe this will show them that it's not as easy as they thought," Shepard said as the cannons fired upon the vessel. He pulled his helmet off and shielded his eyes. The great ship rose into the sky as the cannons fired.

"Stop them!"

Shepard looked over. The guy from before. "I though we told you to stay put."

"They've got the colonists in there! You've got to stop them."

"And how the hell am I supposed to stop _that_?" Shepard asked, gesturing to the huge ship. "We've done all we can."

"You were the ones that brought them here! If it wasn't for the damn Alliance…making us a target…"

"Shepard, we should leave now that the defence systems are online," Miranda said.

"Shepard…?" the man asked. "Of course. I know that name. You're some sort of big Alliance hero."

"Commander Shepard. Captain of the _Normandy_ , the first human Spectre, saviour of the Citadel. You're in the presence of a legend."

Shepard swallowed the lump in his throat. Kaidan… So he was here, after all.

"All the good people we lost and you get left behind. Figures," the man said and shook his head. "Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types."

"Good riddance," Garrus muttered as the man left.

But Shepard couldn't take his eyes of Kaidan. He really was alive.

"I thought you had been taken by the Collectors."

"And I thought you were dead. A ghost."

Shepard licked at his lip, running his tongue over the raised cut that he'd left to heal naturally after Grunt had slammed him into the wall. Nothing had ever happened between them, but he felt the same pull that he'd always felt in Kaidan's presence. Kaidan had a calming effect on him. He was so polished, almost stoic, but kind and pleasant and when he opened up and let go of the stuffy Alliance protocol he was…fascinating. "It's good to see you," Shepard said.

"Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and just act like nothing happened? I thought…" Kaidan trailed off and took a step back. He looked at the ground. "Thinking you were dead tore me apart. Why didn't you try to contact me?"

"Kaidan—"

"Why didn't you let me know you were alive?" He stared Shepard right in the eyes and he could see the genuine hurt there.

"I was dead for two years. I wanted to contact you but no one could tell me where you were. Even Anderson was all hush-hush about your mission."

"I thought I had moved on…" Kaidan shook his head. "What about the reports about you and Cerberus? I got a tip that this colony might be the next hit. The Alliance believes Cerberus is behind the missing human colonies. You're working for the enemy."

"Like usual, the Alliance only has half the story. Kaidan, c'mon, you know who's behind these attacks and it's not Cerberus."

"Is that just what Cerberus wants you to think? How could you do this, Shepard? I thought you had morals…standards?"

"You've got it all wrong. I'm not working for anyone. If anything, they're working for me. I decide how we do things."

"I wanted to believe the rumours you were alive but I never expected this. You've turned your back on everything we believed in. You betrayed the Alliance…and you betrayed me."

"You know I would never compromise my morals or my standards. But the Collectors are targeting human colonies. They're working for the Reapers and I have to stop them. Kaidan…you know me."

"I thought I knew you. I was wrong. You don't know that Cerberus isn't behind this. They could be manipulating you. What if they're working with the Collectors?"

"Are you blind?" Garrus asked. He'd stayed out of it until now, respectful of Shepard's need to talk to Kaidan, but he wouldn't put up with that sort of accusation. "We're not stupid. We've seen what's going on."

"Kaidan, you're letting how you feel get in the way."

"Yeah, but maybe so are you. You've changed. I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier. I always will be. I have to report back to the Citadel and they can decide whether they believe your story or not." Kaidan turned and headed away.

"Kaidan, don't go. Join us. It'll be just like old times."

"I'll never work for Cerberus!" He looked back over his shoulder. "And you shouldn't be either. …be careful, Shepard."

"You too, Kaidan. You too."

* * *

"Shepard?" Joker asked as the doors slid open to the Starboard Observation deck. The team had arrived back from Horizon several hours ago with little ceremony. The Commander had told him to get out of the system before the Alliance showed up but that had been the last thing he said. He didn't want to make it look like he was checking up on the Commander – he was capable of handling himself and sometimes a man just needed some space – but…

Kaidan had been down there. Joker had heard the discussion over the comms. The signal strength hadn't been strong enough to get video feeds but he could imagine most of what happened amongst the conversation. How dare Kaidan question the Commander like that? They had been friends. What an asshole.

Shepard was sitting on the lounge, his head resting in his arms as he stared at the floor. His arm was bandaged, the white wraps showing just below the sleeve of his Cerberus uniform.

"Fall on a bullet?" Joker asked and closed the door behind him.

"Yeah, something like that," Shepard answered. His voice was muffled from his slumped position.

"You missed dinner. Mordin commented about it. Well actually, he wouldn't shut up about it. Had to sit through almost half an hour of him talking at me. He was going to come find you and lecture you on the importance of biotics getting their recommended daily intake of calories but I managed to talk him out of it. You should thank me."

"I didn't really feel hungry."

"I figured. Here. It's not food but it'll make you feel a bit better." Joker held out the can of energy drink. He'd tasted one once and just about gagged but apparently it was good for biotics.

Shepard sighed and held out his hand and Joker walked over and gave him the can. "I heard what went on down there," Joker said.

"I know."

Joker figured that because the Commander hadn't sent him away and was at least attempting to answer questions, he was fine with him being here. He sat down next to him on the couch, perhaps a little closer than friendly camaraderie would expect. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do, though. Yeah, he and Shepard had always been friends – good friends – but when it came to emotional things, Tris always kept mostly to himself. He would hole himself up in his room for a while to think it through. It was rare to see any sort of outward expression of belligerent emotion.

Though part of him did realize that this meant that Shepard was comfortable enough with him to show this side of himself and in his chest he felt a swell of pride.

"Kaidan had no right to say any of those things," Joker said.

"Yeah he did. Of course he did. He wasn't even that far off the mark."

"But we haven't betrayed the Alliance!"

Shepard sighed and sat back further on the couch, leaning his head back and stared up at the bright lights. "You say that…but really, we have. We're working for a crazy pro-human organization that not two years ago wanted me – all of us – dead. Yes, things change, but we are betraying the Alliance, no matter how you look at it." He popped the can open and took a drink. "It doesn't mean that we're doing the wrong thing, but Kaidan was right. At least about that."

"Fine. So we're betraying the Alliance. But we are right. They've stuck their heads in the sand and refuse to see the truth. I'm not going to sit back and let the Reapers attack if we have a chance of stopping it."

Shepard smiled. "I like your optimism."

"Hey, just call me Mr Optimistic. But you know what I mean. If there's even a chance—"

"We should take it. I agree. I don't think Kaidan's wrong in his accusations. I just wished he had tried to understand. He always tried to keep an open mind – way more than Ash. I always thought…" Shepard sighed and rubbed his forehead with his free hand. "I always thought he would trust my judgement. Like Tali. I was wrong. Again."

Joker bit his lip. What the hell was he supposed to say? He'd always been so bad with emotions and deep and meaningful conversations. Much easier to buy a couple beers and forget about it, which is generally what he would have suggested and Tris might have even taken him up on the offer but something in his gut told him that this wasn't a beer and forget about it problem.

He shuffled a bit closer and put his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Look…they'll come around. I know it. It's just a shock, that's all. They don't hate you and this isn't your fault. We're doing the right thing, even if it does seem a little crazy."

"I appreciate the lie."

"Geez, I'm not lying. Really…they'll come around. Even if it takes people like Kaidan a little longer than others." He let his hand slide down Shepard's arm. "I know it probably doesn't mean much coming from me, but I know you're doing the right thing," he said again for emphasis.

"If your opinion didn't mean anything to me, I wouldn't keep coming to you with my problems," Shepard said. He finished the last of his drink and placed the can on the floor. "It's not that I don't understand them, I just wish they could try to see that this is better than the alternative. You got over working for Cerberus. You can see the bigger picture."

"Cerberus gave me back the one thing that I wanted," Joker said and tugged at the brim of his cap. "My morals didn't really come into it."

"You didn't deserve to be grounded."

"Yeah I did. Can't fly looking through the bottom of a bottle."

"And Cerberus let you fly again. Weren't they afraid you'd crash their new shiny ship?"

Joker smiled and shook his head. "They gave me someone to fly for. Bastards knew I would never let him down."

"Oh? Must be some guy," Shepard said. He smirked and nudged Joker with his elbow.

"Yeah…" Joker smiled in return. "He's strong, brutal in a fight, an impressive and compassionate leader and skilled soldier. Powerful biotic, weapons master, trained in hand-to-hand combat and can take a fully grown Krogan down in a bar fight. But he's kind, a real gentleman type, charming with that whole smug swagger when he's in a good mood, and killer brood when he's not. He's not above helping a young Quarian girl on her pilgrimage or picking up parts for his Engineers but I know he's going to save the world, all hero like."

"Sounds impressive."

"Totally. Though…he's had to make some tough decisions lately. Probably thinks he's completely alone. Sometimes I find him sitting alone in the Observation deck. So I take pity on him because…he's pretty important to me."

Joker gave a slight grunt of discomfort as Shepard fell against him. He held his arms out of the way, surprised. Shepard leant against his shoulder, resting his cheek there, his eyes closed. What was he supposed to do? Joker swallowed the lump in his throat. He could feel the back of his neck sweat in panic. He awkwardly settled his arm around Shepard's shoulder, his fingers resting on the edge of the bandage.

"I bet he feels pretty lucky to have you, Joker," Shepard said.

"Yeah…" Joker could hear the twinge of uncertainty in his voice. Shepard was warm against his shoulder; a comfortable weight. He wasn't accustomed to having anyone encroach on his personal space like this. The psychological implications were more profound than the physiological. He found himself instinctively stroking the edge of the bandage around Shepard's bicep with his thumb .

"…though I swear if you tell anyone about this, I'll make good on that promise of cleaning roster," Shepard said after a moment. He didn't move and didn't open his eyes.

"Oh yeah, of course. If anyone asks we were talking about Miranda's ass. Unless Miranda asks, that is. If she asks then I'm not answering."

When Shepard laughed Joker could feel the sound reverberate through his own body and a shiver ran down his spine.


	15. Fragments of You and Me

"Shepard. Good work on Horizon. Hopefully, the Collectors will think twice before attacking another colony. But the Collectors will be more careful now. We have to find another way to lure them in."

Shepard folded his arms. "Lure them in. Sure. With me, right? What's going on here?" He could still hear the Collector's voice in his head. Had he been the only one to hear it speaking to him? Was this going to be like the visions from the Prothean beacon all over again?

"I suspected the Collectors were looking for you or people associated with you. Now I know I was right. It was a risk, but I couldn't just wait for them to take another colony."

"Fantastic." Shepard rubbed his forehead. As if he hadn't had a bad enough day already.

"I want the Collectors stopped. That's why we're doing this, Shepard. I'm devoting all resources to finding a way through the Omega 4 Relay. We have to hit them where they live. Your team will need to be strong." The Illusive Man sat forward in his chair. "Their resolve will need to be strong…as will yours. Can I assume you've put past relationships behind you?"

Shepard felt the nerves in his cheek twitch. Asshole. "None of your damn business."

"If it affects the mission, better you should leave it behind. There's no guarantee you'll return from this mission."

"I'm doing this for the people I care about. Even if they don't trust me. So I'll decide what does and doesn't affect my mission."

"I trust you know what you're doing, but I'm not going to lie about the odds. Keep building your team while I find a way through the relay. And be careful. The Collectors will be watching you."

* * *

"You clean up well, Mr Solomon Gunn. Hock won't know what hit him," Kasumi said from the seat next to him.

Shepard sighed and pulled at the high collar of his jacket. "I feel like a complete idiot."

Kasumi laughed. "Nonsense. You look fantastic. Didn't you see the way Miranda looked at you before we left? She couldn't keep her eyes off of you. I think Miss Lawson might be developing a teeny little crush."

Shepard pressed his fingers against his temple. Great…

"Something tells me that you're not entirely interested in that prospective, though."

"You're pretty quick, Miss Goto."

"Of course I am. I have to be in my line of work. So tell me…a handsome man like you, you must have a lot of interesting offers."

"Not as many as you'd think," he said and looked out the window as they headed to Hock's party.

"Or perhaps you don't see the signs. Surely there must be someone you have your eye on, then. Space can be a lonely place."

Shepard made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. He didn't think he wanted to be having this conversation.

"I heard that perhaps you and a certain Lieutenant Alenko had eyes for each other."

"…and where did you hear that?"

"Just around. I have a lot of sources and I'm very good at picking up information, Commander Shepard."

Kaidan… Of course he was still upset. But perhaps not as much as he thought he should be. Nothing had ever happened and maybe it was never supposed to happen. Kaidan had been fun to talk to, to tease, and of course he'd been attractive, but their emotional connection had always been lacking. They really had just been two kids caught up in the heat of battle. Perhaps more than anyone he needed someone who would trust him implicitly – question him, yes, but always trust him.

"Did I give you something to think about, Shepard?" Kasumi asked.

"This graybox… It's really important to you."

"Keiji's graybox holds a lot of priceless, personal memories. It's all that remains of who he was. It holds everything from all the codes and plans he stole to…all the time we spent together."

"It's amazing that you found each other, what with your line of work."

"Like I said, space is a lonely place. Finding someone else makes it a little less lonely. Everyone wants someone, Shepard, even big space heroes. A profession doesn't change that. All these questions…you are lonely, aren't you?"

He couldn't help the twinge of the muscles in his cheek as he baulked at the question. Lonely… He didn't have time to be lonely.

But he was.

"I never meant to fall in love," Kasumi said and her lips pulled into a sweet smile. "No one ever plans these things. But feelings don't wait for missions, or wars – they just happen. Whether we want them to or not, I'm afraid."

* * *

"Alright, what was with that guy's accent?" Shepard asked. He leaned against the closed shuttle door and rested his head back. "Seriously, I thought my translator was playing up and it couldn't decide what accent to give him."

Kasumi slipped the visor over her eyes and turned away.

"Right, you aren't listening to me. Never mind." Shepard smirked. "Kasumi…" Okay, so his imitation of Hock's accent wasn't great, but it made him laugh.

He left Kasumi to her memories. He didn't want to intrude. This was personal and painful. He'd caught himself watching mission logs after Ash's death, listening to her and Kaidan bicker or just listening to her voice. It hadn't made anything better. Hanging onto memories like that brought the pain back to the surface. Yet he still had the picture of Ash in his quarters, thanks to Cerberus. It made him uncomfortable.

He looked up at Kasumi, lost in her memories. Giving them away would be hard. He knew that. But what good was hanging onto them like this? You couldn't just hide yourself in a virtual reality with a dead man.

"He laced the information into his memories…" Kasumi said finally and looked over at Shepard.

"He said to get rid of it. He didn't want you in danger."

"I can't!" Kasumi said, her voice cracking with suppressed tears. "It's all that's left."

"That's not true. You still have him left in your own memories. We never forget the people we care about but sitting and dwelling on it…he'd want you to go on with your life."

Kasumi pulled the visor away from her face and Shepard could see the tears at the corner of her eyes. A twinge tugged at his chest. Tali…Liara…had they been like this after he died? Had they clung to traces of him needlessly just to stop the hurt for that little bit longer?

"Kasumi…your life is so important. Keiji loved you and he wouldn't want you to throw it away so easily. If he said this information is dangerous then he was right. This information got him killed – almost got us killed! If you want to hang onto it, I'll understand and I'll support you, but don't hang onto it just because you think it's all you have left. You'll never lose what you have of him and it doesn't exist in some graybox."

She looked at the visor again, tears running down her cheeks. "You're right… It means a lot to me but Keiji died to keep me safe. I can't do this to him." She walked over the console and hovered her hand over the interface, hesitating. "I just don't want to lose him."

"You'll always have your memories, Kasumi."

With a staggered breath she pressed her hand to the console and deleted the information with a few strokes of her fingers. A lifetimes worth of memories, gone. She hugged the visor to her chest and Shepard saw her shoulders shaking. All it took was for him to touch her arm and she turned and pressed herself against his armour as she cried.

"I'm sorry, Kasumi. I'm sorry he was taken from you." He was sorry that the universe had made one more person's life just that little bit lonelier. Shepard wrapped his arms around her and held her until she stopped crying.

When the shuttle arrived back and docked with the Normandy Kasumi was understandably eager to escape. He smiled at her and brushed the tears away from her cheeks before opening the door and let her go. She swept past Miranda and disappeared, activating her cloak.

"It went well, I assume?" Miranda asked.

"Something like that."

"She didn't look too happy. Did you not find the graybox?"

Shepard shook his head. "No, we found it. Miranda…if you lost someone important to you, would you give up everything you had left of them?"

"Emotional attachments are an unnecessary weakness, Shepard," she said, but Shepard saw the slight quirk of her lips and the furrow of her brows that told a different story.

"There's no one special to you, Miranda?"

"File a mission report as soon as possible, Commander," she said and turned on her heel, stalking away.

He wondered who it was.

What Kasumi had said still swirled around in his mind, refusing to leave. Lonely. He'd never really thought about it before. There had been so much at stake. But he'd already died, what else was it going to take to make him realize that his own emotions and sanity were as important as completing a mission? Shepard rubbed the back of his neck, shifting his weight to his other leg. He'd always been happy with the company he'd kept. He'd enjoyed the brother-like relationship he shared with Garrus and the close friendship he'd shared with Tali. All his squad members had been important to him in their own way. Wrex and his forward, to the point advice, and Liara with her gentle nature. Even his crew he had grown to respect and care for and the deaths of so many good men would haunt him for the rest of his life.

But he had pieces, fragments of his old life. Garrus was back, changed, angrier, bitter even, but back, they had the Normandy, again changed, but an idea, a feeling that was still the same, and he had some of his old crew. More importantly, he was still the same. Deep down, aside from the implants, cybernetics and scars, he knew he was the same person, though hopefully a little wiser.

Wiser. Wise enough to realize that he could be doing a lot worse. Kasumi had nothing but memories left now. He had tangible things, people to sympathize with him, to cheer him up and that still cared about him.

He headed up to his quarters. The doors to his cabin swished open and he was surprised to see Joker there in front of the fish tank.

"See, look, not dead. Just like I promised," Joker said and pointed to the fish in the tank. They swam to the top of the tank, feeding on the flakes that had been released from the feeder.

Shepard smiled and took what felt like the first full breath of air he'd had in hours. "Joker…"

"I'll get back to the helm. Just thought I'd keep my promise."

"Don't go."

Joker stopped a few steps away from him and Shepard wondered whether the emotion had been too easy to read in his tone. He sighed. Joker made him feel together, collected, grounded, when everything else seemed to be a flurry of noise and lights.

"Just stay a bit, okay? I don't plan to leave any time soon. No ones coming after us."

"I saw. Nice explosion." If Joker noticed anything different in him, he certainly wasn't saying.

Shepard stepped down into the lower quarters and sat on the edge of his bed, bending to remove his boots. "Kasumi certainly knows how to handle herself, that's for sure. I was a little worried about just the two of us heading out but she proved herself."

"She does have this whole cool ninja thing going. Totally badass."

Shepard set his boots aside, each clunking against the floor. His gloves followed. "Keep an eye on her, okay?"

"Kasumi? Yeah sure. …is she alright?"

"She destroyed the data on the graybox."

"I heard."

Shepard leant forward, staring at the ground. "She loved him, Joker. The kind of love on vids, the whole never let you go, you complete me sort of deal. And she's just supposed to move on."

"Unfortunately the universe doesn't stop…" Joker said. He hesitated for a moment before coming to sit next to Shepard on the end of the bed. "Here, let me help." He reached up to help unhinge the heavy pieces of armour from Shepard's suit. It was something he was capable of doing himself but Shepard figured it helped to keep his hands busy and active through what would otherwise be an awkward conversation.

"I just wish I could do something else for her. Instead I had to tell her to destroy the information. Keiji did it to keep her safe, and he knew no one else would get the information if it was on his graybox, but keeping it would have put her at risk. I know that's the last thing he would have wanted, even if it hurt her to destroy it."

"But now she has nothing real left of him," Joker said. "When you lose someone, material things suddenly take on more meaning."

"I've lost people, Joker. I've lost too many people. But I'll never forget them. I don't need things to remind me of what I had. But I know that they would have wanted me to move on. Not to forget them, but to continue what I was doing. My family…my squad…Ash. When I feel their loss, it's like I can see them in my mind telling me to get up and get moving."

"But doesn't it hurt?" Joker tugged on a piece of armour and it came free to join the other pieces on the bed.

"Course it hurts. Hurts all the time. I don't want to lose anyone else." He was sick of losing people he cared about. He hated mourning the loss, feeling that empty place inside of him that would grow smaller but never heal. Nothing would ever completely fill the gap they left. "I've never had to lose anyone like Kasumi has, though."

"Then how do you know it's not different?" Joker asked.

"I don't."

Joker's hands paused on his arm, resting on the layer of inner suit material. Just stopped and didn't move. Shepard looked at him. He was staring across the room at the fish tank, but his eyes weren't seeing what was there. It was an expression he couldn't read, and Shepard had honed the ability to read people. It was a necessary skill. But this…confused him. The soft, blue light of the room shadowed Joker's face, reflected in his eyes. He raised his hand and touched his bare fingers to Joker's cheek, cursing himself as he felt the discharge of static. Joker jumped backwards and his own hand flew up to his cheek as he stared at Shepard.

"You seemed far away," Shepard said.

"…yeah. I was. I was thinking."

"Today seems to have everyone in that mood. I thought I'd dealt with losing Ash…then Kasumi starts talking about losing people and loneliness. Thinking about someone you lost?"

Joker stood and Shepard figured he'd stepped into forbidden ground. Joker was usually happy to talk about anything, but it was always obvious when he wasn't prepared to go further into a topic.

"I should get back to the helm. I'll plot the course for Illium and let you know an ETA."

"I shouldn't have pried. I apologize."

Joker shook his head. "Don't sweat it. I just…" He scratched at his forehead, shifting his cap before removing it completely to rub at his short hair. "When we lost you, Tris, the universe didn't stop. It didn't care that we were all hurting." He didn't look over, instead staring at the floor as he wrung his hat between his hands. "Some of us managed to move on, or pushed it aside, forgot it happened. I was just thinking that maybe you gave Kasumi the wrong advice. Sometimes it's not so easy to just move on. I was thinking about losing you, Tris." He pulled his cap back onto his head and left, not giving Shepard time to reply. The doors slid shut before he could process the conversation.

Shepard stared at the closed doors, absently running his fingertips together. He removed the last sections of his armour, dropping them unceremoniously on the floor. He needed a shower. It was always the best place to piece together his thoughts and right now his brain felt like it was scattered across space.

Joker, the one person he'd always felt was the most together, the most sensible… He had mourned his death, had clung to memories. Had that been what caused him to start drinking? Caused the Alliance to ground him? Shepard leant against the basin, his heart racing in his chest. He could hear Joker's voice screaming in his head again and it all started to make sense. His death had meant more to Joker than the pilot dared to let on.

Shepard scrubbed his hand across his face, an aggravated growl leaving his throat. Of course he hadn't been able to help dying, but this was just another reason why people weren't supposed to come back to life after two years of being dead. How could he apologize for the sorrow his friends had felt? The loneliness and pain, the questioning from the Council and the Alliance, the ruin of their lives? There was no way to say sorry. All he could do was regret.

* * *

"I saw the mission reports from Horizon, Commander."

Tris winced. He was hoping Kelly wouldn't start talking to him if he didn't directly acknowledge her.

"What you did was amazing."

"Nothing special."

"Not true, Commander! But…the report mentioned that Kaidan Alenko was there. How did that go?"

He sighed. "Not the best, Kelly." God, couldn't she take a hint? He really didn't want to talk, especially about this, especially to her.

"Do you have strong feelings for him?"

Obviously, she couldn't take a hint. Either she was the worst psych in the entire universe or she was purposely pushing him. Neither made him particularly happy. "I'd prefer not to have this discussion," he said. Best to remove any ambiguity she seemed to be struggling with.

"I apologize, Commander. I'm just making sure you're not going completely bonkers. It's not like I'm trying to be a friend."

So she had been pushing him. Perhaps she was a lot smarter than the large doe eyes let on. "The thought is appreciated, Kelly, but…I'm a private guy. Don't worry, I wont let anything affect how I do my job."

"So Joker must mean a great deal to you, then," she said. "You have given him free access to your quarters at any time."

"He's feeding my fish."

"He seemed quite upset last time I saw him leaving your quarters for someone just feeding fish."

Shepard stared at his terminal screen, eyes unfocused. "Is there anything else I should know, Kelly?"

She was silent for a moment. "Operative Lawson would like to see you at her station and Operative Taylor would like to see you in the Armory. Engineers Donnelly and Daniels would also like to see you in Engineering."

Wonderful. He knew where he was starting. "Thanks," he said with a curt nod and headed for the elevator. Miranda and Jacob could wait, as no doubt if they had requested specifically to speak to him, their requests weren't going to be simple. A couple Engineers though, he could deal with.

The doors opened to the Engine Core and he saw Ken and Gabby standing at their terminals. They were speaking in hushed tones, standing close to each other. He smirked. He could see why people commented on their close relationship.

"What can I do for you?" he asked and the two crewmen jumped.

"Commander!" Gabby's cheeks were red.

"Commander, good timing," Ken said and ushered him over. "We've got a problem with our little rat in the hold." He jerked his thumb towards the stairs leading down to where he knew Jack was hiding out. "We're scared to go down! And half the engineering cables are down there."

Shepard sighed. He didn't need this right now. "Did you ask nicely?"

"We haven't even been down there. Last time we even came near the stairs she growled at us," Gabby said.

"I'll sort it out. Just…don't go pissing her off. She's already the volatile type." Shepard waved to the Engineers and headed down the stairs. He wasn't afraid of Jack but he didn't want to set her off and he didn't quite know what would set her off.

"Jack?"

She was sitting on her bunk, her pistol held at her side. "Hey."

"Is it alright if the Engineers come down here to work?"

"Sure. I was just messing with them. They're easy to scare."

Shepard smirked. "They are a little jumpy. But I'd prefer my ship didn't fall apart."

"No problem. I'll try keeping the growling to a minimum," Jack said. She'd obviously heard everything.

"Speaking of which…you don't come out from down here much."

"It's safe down here. No one bothering me."

"Hm. When do you eat?"

"When no one else is around to ask stupid questions or make shitty small talk. Same time you eat."

Shepard leant against the wall. "Saw that, huh?"

"Not many people skulking around past midnight. I try stay out of your way. Seems like you've got enough shit to deal with."

"What about you? What do you do down here?" Shepard asked. It was pretty damn lonely down here in the bowels of the ship.

"Nothing much. Read, write… That crazy chic visited last night. Thought I couldn't see her hiding behind that cloak."

Crazy chic? Ah…Kasumi. "Didn't hurt her, I hope."

"Gave her a good scare, but she's got some serious balls. I like her."

"Mind if I sit?" Shepard asked and pointed at one of the crates. Jack just shrugged. "Kasumi is an interesting character." He sat down, but didn't quite make himself comfortable. He wanted to be on his guard should Jack snap for any reason.

"We have a lot in common."

"Oh? Tell me something about yourself, Jack."

"I'm only just finding out about me." She looked away, placing her gun near her pillow. "Thanks for letting me look at those files."

"I wasn't sure I should but it seemed important to you. Miranda will get over it."

"Your friends at Cerberus are into some nasty things. I'm going to find something I can use. I just know it."

"They're not my friends. They did me a favour…I think. I'm still deciding."

"Bringing you back to life. Yeah, I heard," she said, not at all concerned with Shepard's look of surprise. "It's not that big a secret, people just don't want to believe it. People don't come back from the dead. It's easier to believe you just disappeared for a bit. But truth is you were dead. The whole pushing daisies, worm food deal."

"Yeah, thanks for the picture."

"Anyway. Don't get too attached to your little boat full of Cerberus agents. Once I find what I'm looking for, anyone who screwed me is gonna pay. Universe is going to be a lot emptier once I'm done."

Shepard didn't answer that. He could recognize the signs of someone hurting, even if they were turning it into revenge and hatred. "What happened to you, Jack?"

"Don't try to be my friend."

"Just curious. It's part of my…charm," he said, waving his hand in emphasis.

Jack smirked. "Charm, huh? Fine. Cerberus raised me. I was their little lab rat. Escaped when I was a kid and been on the run ever since. And they've been chasing me ever since." She stood and grabbed her pistol. Shepard felt the hairs at the back of his neck rise in anticipation, but Jack ignored him, moving to the back of the room, checking the load on her gun. She was like a taut piece of elastic ready to either bound back or snap.

"And do you always cling to your gun so possessively, because I gotta say it makes me a little nervous."

Jack looked over and raised her eyebrow. "Says the man with a pistol strapped to his thigh. You're no idiot, Shepard." She walked over, but at least lowered her gun to her side. "I see you walk around; your hand near your gun, the slight twitch at unfamiliar noises. You're a soldier, but you've seen shit. Serious shit. Bet you can't sleep at night either, huh?"

He didn't move, let Jack get as close as she liked to him until she stood right in front of him. She was shorter than he was, but where she lacked in height she made up in pure intimidating posture.

"You don't have to stay down here all the time. I can set you up with better quarters."

"It's dark, quiet and hard to find. Spells safety to me. Besides, doesn't matter where I don't sleep. You should come down some time. You know, have some fun."

Shepard looked her up and down. She couldn't be serious… "I'm not really interested in that sort of fun."

Jack stepped back and smirked. She folded her arms across her chest, just underneath her barely clad breasts. "Should've known. Been watching you and the fly boy dance around each other. Can't say he'd be much fun, though. Probably break his bones just—"

"Whoa, whoa!" Shepard held his hands up. "Let's just leave Joker out of this little conversation."

"What, hit a nerve, did I?" Jack asked. "Come on, Shepard… Let's face it – sex is sex. Doesn't matter where you put it, just as long as you have a good time."

"Is this your idea of chatting a guy up?"

"Don't usually have to try so hard." Jack rubbed her shoulder and worked a crick out of her neck. "Alright, if this isn't about sex, then what the hell do you want with me?"

"I like to know my crew, especially the crazy ones. Generally I get along a lot better with them."

"You're one fucked up guy, you know that?"

Shepard sighed. "Yeah…I get that a lot."


	16. Putting a Name to this Feeling

"Shepard, I find myself in the unpleasant situation of asking for your help."

He looked Miranda up and down. She was obviously worried about something. He could see the stress lines on her face, her hair was slightly dishevelled where she'd been pushing at it and there was a lost look of helplessness in her eyes. "You can always ask me. You should know that by now. I know my dislike for Cerberus is somewhat apparent but, Miranda, I see you as one of my crew just like anyone else."

"I don't like discussing personal matters."

"I gathered."

"…but this is important. I have a sister. A twin. My father…he's hunting her. Cerberus has kept her safe until now. She's living a normal life on Illium, safe and _hidden_ from my father."

"Until now? You think he's tracked her down?"

"Precisely. My sources indicate that he knows she's on Illium. I've tried to keep her hidden without impacting her life but I'm out of options. I need to relocate my sister's family before it's too late." She leant against the desk, her hair falling over her shoulders. She was tense, a caged animal.

"Miranda…just tell me what you need me to do."

She looked up and her expression softened. "My father is extremely persistent. I'd like to go to Illium when Cerberus is moving the family to make sure none of his agents get too close."

"So she knows nothing about all of this?"

Miranda shook her head. "Of course not. I've kept her safe. She deserves a good life, Shepard."

"Does she know about you?"

He watched Miranda slump a little more, her shoulders sagging and her usual rigid posture caving in on itself.

"Before…when you said that emotional attachments were distractions, I knew you were lying. I knew there was someone. You meant your sister."

She looked over and Shepard wondered whether he'd pushed it too far. But Miranda nodded.

"Why didn't you say something before?"

"Because it was my problem, Shepard. My personal issues should not be interfering with the mission. I wasn't even sure I should tell you…"

"Miranda, you should never feel like you can't come to me with your problems, okay? I'll help you. You're my XO."

"I'm a Cerberus agent."

"You're my crew member. That's good enough for me."

* * *

"Impressive." Shepard stared out the window as the _Normandy_ docked at Illium. They'd been cleared almost immediately, no fuss, which made him a little suspicious.

"If you want something, Illium has it. Nothing is illegal here, the privilege just goes to the highest buyer," Jacob said. "Makes it a pretty popular tourist spot."

"It will give us a chance to buy some upgrades and parts."

"Shopping, Commander? Cerberus paying you that much, huh?" Joker asked from his seat, but didn't turn around. His hands were working across the interface of his console.

"The Illusive Man wants a good team, and a good team costs money. I don't mind spending it if he's dishing it out."

Miranda said nothing. She was impatiently rocking back and forth, switching her weight from one leg to the other.

"I've given the order to the crew for some down time. We'll be on Illium for a while." Shepard looked at Miranda. The only ones that knew where they were going first was the three of them and even Jacob didn't know the full story. "I've also put some orders out for supplies so expect deliveries."

"Aye, aye, Commander."

The doors opened and Miranda and Jacob stepped out. Shepard waved at them to go ahead, but didn't leave. He hadn't spoken to Joker since the other night. The Pilot had always seemed miraculously busy when he walked past and when he wasn't on shift he was nowhere to be found. Yet he found that he wasn't sure what to say. He'd never expected that Joker, of all people, would have taken his death so hard. He knew that the helmsman bottled up a great deal of his emotions, but this was big.

"Can I get a mirror up here? You know, so I can see when someone is standing behind me?"

Shepard felt his heart speed in his chest. How had he missed it? He'd always thought he and Joker were close, that he knew what his pilot was thinking, but it just showed how little he knew. Had he just been so involved in his own life, the lives of his more 'problematic' crewmembers? He ran his tongue over his lip. "Joker…"

"Yeah, Commander?"

Shepard opened his mouth but wasn't sure what to say. What should he say? Apologizing seemed too simple, too empty. He couldn't apologize for something he hadn't done or apologize for something that wasn't his fault. Could he apologize for the hurt Joker had endured? He stared at the back of Joker's chair, very aware that the pilot was waiting for him to leave. "Did you wanna get a beer tonight? I hear the bars on Illium are pretty good."

Joker spun his chair and looked up at the Commander. "First the Citadel and now Illium? I'm trying to perfect the whole 'cave dweller' thing here."

An awkward unsettling feeling rested in his stomach. Was that no? Joker was staring up at him, an easy smile across his lips. Perhaps not a no, then. "Illium may or may not have a lot of Asari dancers," he said. "In case you're interested."

"Well…when you put it that way," Joker said. "I didn't need much encouragement but you seem to be offering incentives. You gonna pay for my drinks, too?"

"I thought you were the one with the savings?"

"Oh right…damn. Well all right, beer and dancers it is. Have a good run with Miranda."

"Oh yeah, can't wait. Mercs and meeting the family." Shepard gave a short wave and turned.

"Hey, Tris…?"

"Yeah?"

"Be careful. I'm expecting that beer."

Shepard smiled. A jolt ran through his nerves and settled in his chest; a slow warmth that spread across his skin beneath his armour and the skin-tight weave of his inner suit. He left the ship in an almost pleasant mist.

* * *

"What is it with mercs these days? Did their union lower their asking price?" Shepard yelled from behind the crane he pressed himself against. Bullets ricocheted off the metal, scraping paint and pinging off into the distance. Jacob smirked and huffed out a short laugh from next to him.

"Clear!" Miranda called as the last mercenary slumped to the floor in a pool of his own blood. "We have to hurry."

Shepard was aware that he shouldn't be making jokes while on this sort of mission, but he couldn't really help himself. It eased the tension. Sitting on the edge of the knife wasn't always the best approach to a situation. A tense squad got people killed. "Let's go," he said and ran ahead, his pistol at eye level.

He wanted to feel for Miranda, he really did but… Part of him just felt she should just leave her sister to her destiny. Perhaps her father was an overbearing psychopath with an issue with building a dynasty, but that had been with Miranda. Perhaps he had learnt his lesson? Or perhaps her sister would be different. Twins…whatever…they were still different people.

He slammed his back against a shipping crate as a volley of bullets flew past his shields. It made him consider his own choices. His career had been anything but smooth and anything but straightforward. If his family had taken another station instead of Mindoir, if his parents had been something other than agriculturists, they might be alive and he would be a different person now. Would he have joined the Alliance even after discovering his latent biotic talents or would he have stayed with his family, gone to study agriculture or biochem and lived a boring but pleasant life? Would he have survived Akuze if he wasn't so determined _not to die_? If he hadn't lived through Mindoir would he have had the self-preservation tendencies to keep himself alive? Would he have been able to pull himself out of the horror of watching his entire team chewed into paste before his eyes?

Everything that had happened to him – Mindoir, Akuze, the Geth, Saren, Sovereign – had built him into the man he was now. Who was he to say it wasn't fair, that it wasn't right for one person to live through so much in one lifetime? Would anyone he knew dare to pretend they would be the same if their lives had taken different paths?

But this was Miranda's decision. It was her sister and she had to live with the consequences of any actions she took.

He stormed out of cover and slammed into the merc that was advancing on Miranda's position. He went flying, sprawling backwards, and took a shotgun blast to the chest. Shepard looked up and saw another mercenary drop ahead of him.

"We need to hurry," Miranda said. "I knew he wouldn't leave her alone. I knew it!"

Before the doors he saw a glint of metal and glass. He leaned down and picked up the locket, looking it over. This was too nice to be junk. He pocketed it in one of the compartments in his suit and motioned them ahead.

"The captain has to know we're listening in," Miranda said. She checked her pistol's readout, pacing back and forth in the lift. "Niket wouldn't betray me. Dammit! Why won't this thing go any faster?" She pounded her fist against the panel and Jacob placed his hand on her shoulder.

"Cool it, Miri."

"What makes you so sure that Niket wouldn't turn on you?" Shepard asked. "People do some interesting things if you wave the right price at them."

"No. He could have turned on me years ago when I ran away from my father. I'm sure he tried to buy him off. If he didn't do it then, why now?"

"Did he know you took Oriana?"

"No…he just found out recently. It was too personal to involve someone else. I never really thought about it but…no. He would understand why I did it. He knows what I went through." Miranda rubbed her hands together, her head bowed. Her dark hair fell across her face, shielding her eyes.

"You know him better than I do, Miranda. If you don't think he'd betray you then maybe there's some other explanation?" Though Shepard couldn't really see one. But it was best for Miranda to discover the truth on her own. Right now she just needed support.

The elevator climbed up the docking station and the doors opened. Miranda walked out in front of them and approached who Shepard suspected was Niket and Enyala.

"Miri!"

"This should be fun." Enyala stood and drew her Claymore. Shepard and his team drew their weapons just as fast. The dock worker turned and fled only for Enyala to shoot her in the back. She went sprawling to the floor.

"That was uncalled for!" Shepard cried.

"Niket!" Miranda yelled. "You sold me out. You were my friend. Why?"

"You wanted to leave, Miri. It was your choice. If I'd known you'd take a baby…"

"I rescued her!"

"From a life of wealth and happiness? You weren't saving her. You were getting back at your father. They said I could help with no trauma to the family. I didn't believe you'd done it, Miri…until you told me. I called them back that night. Said I'd help. I deserved to know that you'd stolen your sister. I deserved to know you were with Cerberus."

"I could have explained. You were the only one I trusted. Dammit, Niket!"

"He knew you felt that way."

"Come on, Niket. Let's finish this bitch off," Enyala said and gestured with her gun.

"Take your best shot!" Miranda returned.

"I was just waiting for you to finish getting dressed. Or does Cerberus really let you whore around in that outfit?"

Oh god, he was going to have a full cat-fight on his hands if he didn't stop this. "We need to find another solution. Your father knows about Oriana and her family," Shepard said.

Niket turned away. "Miranda's father has no information on Oriana. I knew you had spy programs in your father's systems, Miri, so I had to keep it private. I'm the only one who knows."

"Which means you're the only loose end…"

Shepard grabbed Miranda's gun and shook his head. He couldn't let her do that. She would regret it later. "There are other ways."

"I never want to see you again—" Miranda started to say but the loud blast from Enyala's Claymore cut through the air.

"Done. Now, if you don't mind, I have a shipment to deliver."

"You'll die for that, bitch!" Miranda yelled and the blue aura spiralled around her. She moved seamlessly as she lowered her gun and thrust her other arm forward. Enyala's body was encased in the blue corona of dark energy, suspending her above the ground. Miranda made another slight movement and the Asari was flung across the hanger; a doll thrown by a petulant child.

"Shit…" Jacob swore. Enyala landed, her back broken over a shipping crate, her eyes staring into eternity.

"Miranda…are you alright?"

Miranda crouched beside Niket's body. "He didn't deserve to die… Even if he made a mistake. Even if he betrayed me, he didn't deserve to die."

Shepard held his hand out to her and she took it, pulling herself up. She looked him in the eye and nodded before letting go of his hand.

"Let's go," she said. They stepped into the lift and Miranda pressed the console buttons to make their final ascent. "I cut ties with everyone except Niket. Weakness on my part. But as much as my father tried to turn me into exactly what he wanted…I'm my own person."

"You still have Oriana," Jacob said from beside them.

"Yes… I have something."

The elevator opened but they kept their guns holstered. No sense in scaring half a spaceport.

"No sign of Eclipse," Miranda said. "Look…"

They looked over to a small group. The similarity was immediately obvious. Miranda's sister.

"There she is. Safe…with her family."

Shepard watched her. He could see the hurt in her expression. Miranda mourned the loss of her own perfect vision of a family, a childhood. The reason she was doing all this for her sister was to make up for the loss she felt. She would never be able to give herself what she had missed.

"Why don't you go say hello?" Shepard asked. "It can't hurt."

"The less she knows about me, the better."

"See, you say that…but I don't think it's true. I think she'd want to know she has a sister. A sister who cares about her enough to do all this for her."

"Shepard's right, Miri. This is your sister. Your blood. She deserves to know," Jacob said.

"Tell you what," Shepard said. "We'll just leave you here and you can decide. If you don't want to talk to her then just make sure they get away okay then meet us back at the ship. But…think about it, okay? She looks like you – clever, bright…she's not going to do anything stupid and get herself into trouble by knowing you. But I reckon she'd like to know."

Miranda didn't say anything, but she also didn't follow when Shepard and Jacob left.

* * *

"I swear we get some lateral drift. The old Normandy never had that. Look at the flight logs."

"You are mistaken, Mr Moreau."

Joker rolled his eyes. Damn AI. He was never going to get along with that thing. "Can you not second guess everything I say?"

"It is part of my operational parameters to guide and assist the on duty Helmsman with his tasks."

"Well you're not helping me, you're annoying me. So stop it. Always looking over my shoulder, and I thought my mom was bad…"

"Technically I cannot look over your shoulder. I am all around you."

"Creepy…"

"Arguing with the computer again, are we?"

Joker snapped upright and looked around, swivelling his chair. "Alright, Kasumi…Ha-ha, scare the cripple. I get it. Funny joke."

Kasumi deactivated her cloak from where she had been leaning against the wall. "I enjoy listening to your conversations with EDI. They're most amusing. But you do know that talking to yourself is never a good sign."

"I'm not talking to myself, thank you. I'm talking to _it._ "

"Mr Moreau often feels the need to fill silence. He expresses many hallmarks of paranoia, social anxiety disorder and displays particularly passive-aggressive behaviours."

"That just makes me interesting. Geez…"

Kasumi folded her arms. "I can see why rumours are talking about you two. I feel like I'm interrupting something."

"Please don't finish that thought. That's just weird. _It's_ a computer. Just a bunch of stuff in a box. No matter how clever it thinks it is."

"Are you going to start arguing over the temperature next? My Grandparents used to do that. It was always too cold for my Grandmother."

Joker rubbed his head and sighed. "Was there something you wanted, or are you just up here to annoy the crap out of me, because that position has already been filled by our lovely resident AI."

"Thought you could use the company. Shep's not back yet, huh?"

"No…" Jacob returned hours ago, and then Miranda alone later. Most of the crew had already had dinner and were thinking about sleep cycles. Hell, he was sure he'd seem some of the night shift waking.

"Are you worried?"

"Nah, it's Shepard. Besides, I'm sure he just has some business to take care of. Something important and… _Spectre-y_." He waved his hands with an overdramatic sigh.

"But he turned off his comms."

"And you're listening in again."

"Of course I am. You shouldn't be so surprised. But why would he do such a thing? Shepard is never concerned that his comm channel is open to the _Normandy._ There's only one person that's ever listening." Kasumi flopped onto the Navigator's chair, resting her chin on her hand. "What do you suppose he could be doing?"

"Whatever it is, I'm guessing it's not our concern, so we should stop wondering." But he was concerned. Kasumi was right. Shepard never turned off his comms, even with the potential for Cerberus to overhear. Whatever he was doing on Illium must be important…and secret.

"But curiosity is basically all I am, Joker! It's like you and the flying thing. Flying and being grumpy."

"I am not grumpy. I'm anti-social…and apparently paranoid and passive-aggressive."

"Uh-huh."

"Look, whatever the Commander is doing is none of our concern. If he needs my help, he knows where to find it. That's that."

Kasumi smiled. "Doth make the fault the worse by the excuse."

"Don't start quoting poetry shit at me. Had enough of that with Ash. She liked that one guy…" Joker wrinkled his nose as he tried to remember the poet's name.

"Shep's been through a lot…hasn't he?"

"He's the best."

"But not without a lifetime full of pain. It doesn't seem fair. Seems to me he could use a little happiness."

"I'll buy him an extra beer next time we're out."

Kasumi covered her mouth as she laughed. "I'm sure you will, though I don't think the beer will be the Commander's main compulsion for joining you, Mr Moreau."

"The _ambiance_ , then. Look…are you going to hang around here all night, because technically I'm off duty, the ships docked and we're heading nowhere fast. I don't have to listen to you."

Kasumi stood and Joker wished it was possible to push his chair away from her as she approached. She leaned down and touched her finger to the brim of his hat.

"You, Jeff Moreau, have issues. But your heart is in the right place." She knocked his hat off his head and then disappeared, her cloak stabilizing.

Joker frowned and rescued his hat from the ground next to his chair. "Damn… No peace…"

" _Commander Shepard is aboard. XO Lawson stands relieved."_

Joker looked up as the blast doors opened.

"Ah…you need some help there?" Joker asked. He leaned over in his chair as Shepard came around the corner holding two bags in his arms, trying not to jostle anything, knock his guns, or run into the wall.

"No, no. Got this. Wait…" Shepard dug around in one of the bags and pulled out a bottle of beer. He smiled and held it out to Joker. "I'm sorry."

Joker chewed at the inside of his cheek for a second, regarding the Commander, before he stood and grabbed the bottle. "I was about to call out a search party." He tried to keep his tone even.

"It was Liara. Liara cleared us for landing. She paid all the fees, got us in a private hanger…"

Joker opened his beer and placed the top on the arm of his chair. Of course it had been Liara. They'd run into just about everyone else by now. Well, had she thrown herself into the Commander's arms? Was it a beautiful reunion? Was that why he'd turned his comms off?

Wow…and hello jealousy. Nice time to rear _your_ ugly head.

Shepard looked over his shoulder towards the CIC. It was emptier this late at night. "You were waiting…weren't you?"

"No. Why would I be waiting? I've been up here having a delightful time with everyone's favourite AI and Queen of 'I'm going to steal your stuff when you're not looking'."

"So you were waiting."

"Maybe. Yeah okay, but because I was worried about you. Turning your comms off…what the hell was I supposed to think? Illium isn't exactly safe, just because it looks shiny."

Shepard smiled and Joker felt his throat constrict. He hadn't meant to say that. He never meant to say so much.

"So…if you're not on duty…" Shepard said and shrugged, awkwardly trying to keep hold of the bags he was still holding. "You're free to go? I know it's late so, beer, my cabin?"

"Your cabin…" Joker repeated and took a swig of his beer to try force back the lump rising against his tongue. "EDI, call me if there's a problem." He pulled his hat back onto his head. With most of the crew on Illium and the ship in dock, no one would be relieving him.

They walked through the CIC to the elevator. Joker tried to take one of the bags Shepard was carrying, but got a staunch shake of the head in return. Normally he would have resented someone for treating him like a cripple incapable of carrying something as simple as a bag, but with Shepard it was different. With Shepard it was always different.

"Liara asked me to help her out… I couldn't just say no. I know that's stupid of me, but it seemed almost like for old time's sake. She helped us, so I was obliged to assist her."

"As long as she didn't have you acting bounty hunter or something." Joker hit the panel and the elevator lurched. Damn things were still slow. He leaned against the wall and took another sip from his bottle, vaguely wondering what the Alliance would have to say about them drinking like this.

"It's hard to explain. She was…so different. It was like it wasn't even Liara." Shepard fiddled with the corner of the bag he was holding. "I walked in and she was threatening to kill a guy. Liara! Sweet, naive Liara."

"What the hell is she doing down there?"

The elevator doors opened and they stepped out. Joker pressed the panel to Shepard's quarters so that he didn't need to struggle. The lights blinked on. Despite Tris' dislike for regulations and protocol, over ten years serving the Alliance ensured some consistencies: He always woke at 0600, his boots were always shined and his quarters were _always_ regulation tidy.

"She's some sort of information broker. Can you imagine?" Tris put the bags down on the table near the couch. "Oh wait…here, look!" Out of one of the bags he pulled a container and held it up.

"You bought fish."

"It's apparently a Prejek Paddle Fish." Shepard tapped the container and the fish lazily turned away from him. "I think they're on some sort of drugs."

Joker laughed. "So let me get this straight…you went to see Liara, did some crazy job for her…then stopped to buy beer and fish?"

"…yeah. I'm a freak, aren't I? I got all excited about the damn fish, too. I spent a good ten minutes picking out the prettiest ones."

The image was endearing, Joker thought. He could envision the Commander peering into the fish tank and arguing with the Asari or Salarian shopkeeper over which exact fish he wanted. "Well give him here and I'll put him in the tank. I don't know if fish are too happy in tiny little squares of water."

Shepard tapped the tank again before handing it to Joker. "It's sort of pathetic that I'll feel sad if they die now… They're just fish."

"Just fish, just a dog, just part of the crew, just your mother. Who gets to choose what's important to us?"

"Stay here, okay? I'm going to shower. The whole covered in blood and grit thing is only acceptable for so long."

Joker nodded and Shepard grabbed his clothes. Joker knew how long it took to remove all that armour and then to shower comfortably, but he wasn't in any hurry. He released the new fish into the tank and watched them swim away. The thought of Shepard buying them was still too cute. He looked over his shoulder towards the bathroom.

How easy it was to completely read a situation wrong. What was Tris feeling? He'd asked Joker to stay. He'd brought back beers and felt sorry for missing their 'date'. Hell, what was it even? Calling it a date seemed ridiculous. Joker grabbed his beer and sat on the couch. He leaned his head back and removed his cap. He felt so stupid. These feelings were confusing and unwelcome; just as they had been two years ago. Watching the Commander, feeling that uncomfortable swell of pride whenever Shepard chose to speak with him over other crew members, or sat with him at night, just reminded him that a little crush, harmless or not, was out of line. And now it was back.

And it was so stupid. But even now just sitting in the Commander's room, being able to _smell_ him in the air, sent a fire through his chest and down his body that he couldn't stop. He shifted on the leather couch and took another swig of beer. He could hear the water running in the bathroom and the knowledge that Shepard was _naked_ did nothing for his current situation. His mind flashed with memories of Tris – covered in sweat from a workout with Garrus, peeling his shirt off, the bead of sweat that ran down his back as he headed towards his cabin and Joker _knew_ he shouldn't be staring and Kaidan was giving him _that_ look and he didn't care that he'd been watching them over the video feeds and he made up some lame excuse about making sure the Commander wasn't going to insist on a last minute flight schedule which he knew Kaidan didn't believe but he stuck with it anyway.

Joker gulped down the last of his beer and set the bottle on the table and then rested his head in his hands. All the time he'd spent staring at Tris – watching him, worrying about him, wanting him – all the thoughts he had pushed into the recesses of his mind to avoid the ramifications. Matching his head to his heart to his lust was not a smart idea. If they were separate he could control each thought individually. He grabbed another beer and pulled off the cap. But drinking didn't ease the thirst; his mouth and throat parched.

"Go easy, Joker. I know we're not going anywhere but I don't want to be dragging you back to your quarters."

Shit. Joker sat up straight. He hadn't even heard the water shut off or the slide of the bathroom door. He looked over and his tongue caught against the roof of his mouth. Shepard – his chest slick with droplets of water, towel slung around his shoulders, his short black hair damp, haphazardly dried.

"Picked up a dirty shirt. Should have known."

Shepard chucked the shirt onto the end of his bed and Joker could only stare, watching his Commander search for another in his drawer. The muscles in his back moved under his scarred skin and rivulets of water rolled down his spine.

"Chakwas told me that if I kept a peaceful mind these scars would start to heal on their own," Shepard said. He stood and ran his fingers across the scars on his abdomen. Orange light flared under his skin. "Guess I'm not the peaceful, restful sort. What do you think? They look bad, don't they?"

Joker blinked and looked up from Tris' abs to his face. His mind spat options for dialogue at him, like a little game. Pick one, say something and stop staring before this gets weirder than it is. But his mouth wouldn't move and any thought of speech was replaced with the thought of running his hand down Shepard's chest, pulling the towel off his shoulders and inspecting the scars up close.

"That bad, huh? Great. Chakwas better come up with something to get rid of these damn scars then." Shepard touched his fingers to his cheek. "I'm not a vain guy, but I'd prefer people didn't stare at me like I'd survived a fight with an angry pack of varren. What about your scars?" He put the clean shirt on his bed and yanked the towel off his shoulders, scrubbing it over his head and chest.

"Huh?"

"Y'know…your legs? You said they were scarred up pretty bad."

"Ah, yeah. They had to reset the bones in both my legs. There are some pretty impressive scars to go with the ones I already had." Joker willed his heart to stop pounding in his chest. He didn't need this now.

"Can I see?"

Okay, forget that. His heart felt like it was trying to claw through his ribcage. "You want to see?"

"Sorry…guess that's weird. Alliance Marines, y'know. We compare scars to determine who is the manliest."

Joker couldn't help the small smile that pulled across his lips, despite the utter awkwardness of the situation. "I suppose. I don't know if I can beat you these days, though." He put his beer on the table and then leant down, rolling up the leg of his pants.

Shepard knelt next to him and whistled, impressed. "Those go-"

"All the way up, yep. My legs were pretty messed up, if you remember."

Shepard made a noncommittal noise in his throat and reached out, brushing his fingers along one of the scars. Joker jumped. He had seen it coming but he couldn't help the spasm in his muscles. He wasn't used to being touched by anyone other than pushy doctors.

"Sorry," Shepard said and looked up at him.

Joker swallowed and shook his head. "Nothing… It's nothing. Just sensitive, I guess." He had Commander Tristan Shepard on his knees in front of him, staring up at him with those dark blue eyes – Kasumi was right, he did have pretty eyes – and he couldn't think of a damn thing to say.

He wanted his beer back.

"How long did it take to heal?" Shepard asked. He moved his fingers higher along the scar.

"Not as long as it took to regen a whole body. I had enough time to heal up and complete a lot of damn physio before I was needed again." Joker could feel his skin prickle as Shepard's fingers ran along his scar, brushing past the hair on his leg, sending shivers along his nerves. "It gave me something to do while I waited."

"And if I didn't…y'know, survive?"

"I dunno, Cerberus bounty hunter, perhaps? No one would see it coming from the crippled guy."

Shepard smiled and placed his hand flat on Joker's calf. "Well I'm glad they could do something for you. It must be nice to be able to move around without the crutches and braces."

"The Collectors come at us again and I'll be ready. They'll be 'oh shit, that's the pilot from last time. Thought we killed him' and I'll be all pew, pew! They won't know what hit them." Joker paused. Shepard was staring at him, his mouth slightly agape. "What?"

"I'm sorry…but that might have been the most insanely adorable thing I've ever seen."

Joker felt the rush of embarrassment flare across his cheeks, the sound of blood rushing between his ears. Goddamn…he didn't want to be adorable. Did he? But Shepard's hand was still on his leg, and his mouth still felt ridiculously dry. "Well…I won't say anything about how _cute_ it would be watching you buy fish if you lay off the whole _adorable_ thing."

"You wouldn't dare ruin my reputation in such a way."

"Try me, Marine. If I'm going down, I'm taking you with me."

"Ah, see, you've got it wrong." Tris stood and took his bottle of beer from where he'd left it. "You're supposed to say 'oh, thank you Commander for such a generous nickname. I shall be Adorable, just for you'. After all, I am your commanding officer."

"I'm still living down the last nickname, but _thanks._ "

"You don't like Joker? I can call you Jeff, if you want." Shepard sat down next to him, one of his bare feet resting against the edge of the table.

Jeff… 'Jeff' just had so many connotations attached to it – sick, crippled, useless. 'Joker' though, well, he was the famous Alliance Flight Lieutenant, hand-picked by Anderson, a better pilot than every damn instructor at flight school. He was also Shepard's pilot, Shepard's friend. But perhaps 'Jeff' could become someone more – maybe he had more of a future than the poor crippled kid he'd lived as up until now.

"No one's called me Jeff since flight school…except Chakwas and Mom. It sounds strange."

"Jeff…" Shepard tested.

Joker felt a flutter in his stomach; a strange yet comforting queasiness that squeezed his insides at the sound of his name on Shepard's lips. "Maybe it's not that weird…"

"So maybe I'll use it more often."


	17. Chemical

Nothing in Shepard's life had ever been black and white. He didn't believe in finalities. Behind most things there was a reason or at least an excuse.

The idea of one person who lived to persecute those who had done wrong…didn't sit well with him. Not that he doubted for a minute that there were some people the galaxy could damn well do without, but sometimes fate forced people to do things they wouldn't normally. To bring a so-called justice down on those people seemed harsh and unrealistic.

In his own life he had already done many things that would insult a Justicar's sense of order. He knew full well that he would be forced to do a lot more. Hell, some things he did willingly.

Shooting someone he knew was lying to him, a killer, a mercenary…he had no difficulty doing. He looked at the young Asari on the ground in front of them. He knew about Eclipse mercenaries – they weren't given a uniform until they had made a kill. She had tried to lie to them and had drawn her gun.

"Good call, Shep," Kasumi said from next to him. She leaned down to look closer at the body. "Do they think we're stupid?"

"I'm never sure what people are thinking," he said and shook his head. Why someone would want to get mixed up with a mercenary group, he would never understand.

Of course, here he was running with Cerberus, so he supposed he couldn't be too hypocritical when it all came down to it.

They left the room and Shepard couldn't help but notice how close Kasumi hovered to his side. He'd decided to bring her on the mission because they worked well together. Her more covert way of operation countered his lack of discretion and Miranda's cold but calculated brutality.

They rounded the corner and saw a Volus pacing in front of a vending machine and set of doors.

"Aww, aren't they so cute?" Kasumi asked and gave a delighted little bound in her step.

Shepard smiled. She kind of reminded him of Tali, except a touch more psychotic and with trouble handling her kleptomania.

They walked over and the Volus slammed straight into Shepard. He stumbled backwards, short, fat arms flailing.

The Volus breathed in and out, the harsh sound of its respirator filling the corridor. He looked up at them. "I am a Biotic God! I think things, and they happen. Fear me, oh lesser creatures! For I am biotics made Flesh!" A wavering blue aura surrounded his limbs but faded.

"This should be good…" Shepard said and took a step backwards out of the Volus' way as it stalked past him.

"You will regret your scandalous words! I am a great wind that will sweep all before me like…like a…a great wind! A great biotic wind!"

Shepard covered a laugh with an attempt at a cough. "Okay…you are on some serious shit. What have they been feeding you?"

"Yes, the Asari injecting so many drugs into me was terrifying, but then I began to smell my greatness!"

"I don't believe that is greatness he smells…" Kasumi whispered from beside Shepard.

"They may laugh when I fall over, but they don't know what I know in my head. That I know that I am amazingly powerful! Fear me!" the small Volus yelled, gesturing wildly at Kasumi. Kasumi just shook her head and shrugged. "The leader of these mercenaries is in the next room. I shall toss Wasea about like a ragdoll!"

"Shepard, this is wasting our time," Miranda said and folded her arms.

Shepard nodded. "Right… Alright, buddy, how about a little nap?" He took the end of his pistol and knocked it on the back of the Volus' neck, causing him to stumble past Kasumi and sprawl on the floor, stubby arms trying to catch his fall.

"Aww…he's so cute! Can we keep him?" Kasumi asked.

The Volus dragged himself to his feet, pitched sideways into the wall and then righted himself. It muttered something as it stumbled down the hallway but all Shepard really caught was a bit about a nap being a good idea.

He shook his head and motioned them forward. At least now they knew Wasea was in the next room – hopefully with the information they needed. He opened the doors and they walked through, Kasumi disappearing behind her cloak and Miranda taking his side, her pistol drawn.

"Wasea, I presume?" Shepard asked. "I've got a couple questions for you." There was no point in pretending to sneak in.

Wasea looked over. She finished the dark liquid in her glass and placed it on the desk. "Everything's gone to hell since we smuggled that filthy creature off world. First a Justicar shows up…now you." She dropped the datapad on the table and gave an irritated click of her tongue. "At least…I can take pleasure in turning your head into a pulpy mess!" She shifted her weight and launched a crate at them with her biotics.

Shepard and Miranda dove for cover. There was no way to tell where Kasumi was. She could be up at Wasea's side by now – who knew. The crate exploded beside them, red gas swirling into the air. Shepard coughed. Damn fine time to decide he didn't need his helmet. Just going to pick up the Justicar – wont need it, I'll be fine. Idiot!

"Get out of the dust, Shepard!" Miranda yelled from somewhere to his right. He couldn't see through the cloud, but she had a point. All the Minagen floating around in this place was starting to give him a headache. Hopefully he'd learnt his lesson about being too cocky, though.

Shepard rolled behind another crate and pulled his shotgun. It would be nice to be able to come down to a planet or city without having to don complete armour. Even going to the Citadel with Joker for a bowl of Ramen meant he had to suit up just in case some idiot decided to take a pot-shot at him while his guard was down. He saw Miranda run ahead and crouch behind a wall. Perhaps he could invest in some Cerberus tech – things seemed to have advanced since the last time he was in combat. Miranda and Jacob ran in Cerberus uniforms – damn tight uniforms – that seemed to have complete shield capabilities.

Shepard coughed again as a crate exploded to his side, filling the air with gas. Shit…this stuff was really creating a problem. He doubled over, his head spinning. The heightened biotic ability really didn't justify the nausea and vertigo. Or maybe that was just him. People really seemed to get off on this crap. He stormed out of cover, ignoring the ill feeling and cloudiness of his mind. He'd already breathed in a lot of the drug – may as well make use of the effects. He moved his hand, pushed his foot forward and felt his body engage the familiar mnemonic. Wasea was pulled into the air and thrown back against the wall. Shepard breathed out as he was pulled through space, his vision blanked and when his eyes reopened he was looking at the body of Wasea, slumped on the ground, gaping wounds through her torso from where the shotgun spray had torn through her.

"And here I was lining up a good shot," Kasumi said and appeared near him, sitting on the desk, one leg crossed over the other. "Are you alright?"

Shepard closed his eyes and placed his hand on the wall to hold himself up, his other limp, holding his shotgun at his side. Blood pounded behind his eyes.

"Shepard!" Miranda said, but she sounded far away. Everything sounded far away.

"Fine…" he murmured. It was just a headache. "I'm fine. Let's just…find the information and go."

Shepard was more than happy to follow Kasumi and Miranda back to the docking station and to where Samara was waiting…or being held. His head was pounding and the queasiness in his stomach was not diminishing, only growing worse. But they just had to return the information to Samara and she would agree to go with them. No more problems.

"We found the name of the ship. Your fugitive left here two days ago on the AML Demeter," Miranda said. Samara was looking them over from where she sat in the station office. She didn't seem at all concerned that she was technically under arrest.

"You impress me. You fulfilled your part of the bargain…and I will fulfil mine."

Shepard took a step back as Samara approached him. He wasn't sure why. Samara had no reason to hurt him, in fact, it was quite the opposite.

"I am ready to leave immediately if that will satisfy your superiors," Samara said to the Detective, who nodded. "By agreeing to follow you, Shepard…I am compelled to swear the most difficult of Justicar oaths. Your orders will override the code. However, I will still give you my opinion if the situation warrants."

Shepard waved his hand. Honestly, he didn't care. He knew nothing about Samara, he found her views strange and unmanageable. But he needed her to come along, and he needed her to follow orders and hopefully, in time, he would come to at least empathize with her.

"I must be sworn to your service so that I am never forced to choose between your orders and the code." Samara breathed in and Shepard could feel the pull of energy as it surrounded her. Her eyes went white and she fell before him on bended knee. He took another slight step back. "By the code, I will serve you, Shepard. Your choices are my choices. Your morals are my morals. Your wishes…are my code."

Shepard felt his body lurch, bright, blinding light firing behind his eyes. He clutched at his forehead as Samara rose.

"Shep? Shep, you're looking really—"

* * *

"—deadly amounts of drug. Not recommended. Amazing he survived."

Shepard winced. His body burned. He pushed at his clothes only to find them missing. Where was he?

"He's waking up!"

Kasumi's voice. She had an unmistakeable accent.

"Shepard, can you hear us?"

Chakwas. Also unmistakeable.

He cracked his eyes open and hissed in pain, closing them again against the bright lights.

"Turn the bloody lights off."

Miranda.

From behind his eyelids he could notice the difference in light as the room fell dark. He dared to open his eyes again and could barely make out faces in the scant light of the consoles and emergency lighting panels along the floor and around the doors.

"He is awake!" Kasumi said and then clamped her hands over her mouth when Miranda shot her a look.

"Commander, how are you feeling?" Chakwas asked and he felt her poking around at his head. If he was in the Med Bay he was probably hooked up to god knows what.

He opened his mouth. It felt dry. Too dry. "Fine… Headache. What happened?" His voice was rusty.

"Poisoning. Inhaled deadly quantities of Minagen X3. Very dangerous drug. Should be dead now, yet survived. Interesting." There was only one Salarian he knew that talked that fast and found the possibility of his death 'interesting'.

"I didn't… A bit, I guess." He coughed and his whole body seized. He tried to pull himself up but both Chakwas and Mordin held him down, a hand each on his shoulders.

"Let's just say when you're in battle, Shep, you're a little single minded," Kasumi said. "You hung around in those clouds way too long to be safe."

"Dr Solus is correct," Chakwas said. "You should be dead. Minagen X3 is a highly toxic chemical that overloads the nervous system and causes complete shut down of the body's neural centres. It's amazing that you managed to survive after inhaling the amount that Kasumi said you had."

"I only felt it later…when I stopped running through it."

"Would seem Cerberus enhancements countered chemical imbalance. Managed to keep senses and perception heightened but no signs of neural distress. Fascinating."

"Cerberus does a _thorough_ job," Miranda said and folded her arms. "Dr Chakwas, please keep me informed of the Commander's condition."

Shepard could hear her heels clicking against the ground and the swish of the doors as she left.

"Best to stay under constant observation. Chemical balance may destabilize over several hours and patient may relapse. Better safe than alternative," Mordin said. "Shepard."

Shepard wasn't entirely sorry to see him go. His hyperactive speech patterns turned the slight buzzing in his skull to full blown agony.

"We were worried about you, Shep. One minute you're standing, the next you just fell over face first. I think Samara was the most surprised, considering you nearly fell into her cleavage. Because, I mean, wow, those things are out there!"

"Kasumi…"

"Right, right, sorry. I suppose I'm not helping. What I'm trying to say is that I'm glad you're going to be okay. You had us pretty scared. Not every day Commander Shepard falls face first into Asari br—"

"Kasumi!"

"Ugh, alright, alright. I'm going. Bye, Shep."

"You're going to have to remain under surveillance for at least 24 hours. In this situation I don't think we can be too careful," Chakwas said. "May I turn the lights up?"

Shepard nodded but closed his eyes when she did. The lights burned into his retinas. "Do I have to remain under surveillance _here?_ " he asked. "You know I'm not much of a fan of this place…despite the lovely company."

"Don't flatter me, Marine. We thought we had lost you. I would prefer not to repeat the experience so soon after you returned to us."

"C'mon, Doc. I can sleep it off in my cabin and EDI can keep an eye on me. God knows it will anyway. Do I even have a choice? I'm not even convinced it doesn't watch me piss."

"Cerberus does not require certain information and allows all operatives spaces in which monitoring and surveillance are minimal or absent," EDI said from its platform.

"Sure. So if I want to do something against the rules, I'll do it in the bathroom. Got you." He sat up slowly. His stomach felt like it was full of burning liquid that sloshed as he moved. "But like I said…I can sleep this off in my quarters. I feel fine. Kinda like I have a hangover but _fine._ No worse than the day after shore leave."

Chakwas regarded him for a minute before sighing heavily. "You will be the death of me. But you and I both know that despite how long I argue with you, you're going to get your way. You simply pull that injured puppy look and I can't help myself."

"Injured puppy? Chakwas, please, you're hurting my manly pride here."

"Go to your quarters and _sleep_. Understand me, Commander?"

"Yes, Doctor. But…perhaps some clothes before I leave?"

"I should make you leave in nothing but a sheet."

* * *

Despite his reluctance, the Doctor's advice was sound. He collapsed in his bed and fell asleep. He couldn't even say how long he'd been asleep except that when he woke he felt a lot better. Still like someone was trying to drill through his skull, but better.

He rolled onto his back and stared up at the closed blast screen. He never opened it. Even when they were docked, it was just better this way.

"Commander, Helmsman Jeff Moreau is requesting permission to Level 1. Shall I grant him access?"

Shepard sat up and looked toward the blue orb that identified EDI. "Yes, of course. In fact, you shouldn't even need to ask me that."

"I was requested by Doctor Chakwas that no crew were to be allowed access to the Captain's Cabin except for Operative Lawson, Doctor Solus and herself. However, I believe that Helmsman Moreau may have an understanding with you outside of these rules."

Shepard paused and looked at EDI. That was interesting. "Yes… Let him up. If my quarters are ever off limits…please assume that Joker is the exception, understand?"

"Yes, Commander. I have stored this information for future application."

The doors slid open and Shepard stood.

"You asshole!"

Okay…not what he expected out of Joker's mouth. "Hi to you, too."

"Don't give me that. You fucking scared ten years life off me. Do you purposely try to get yourself killed?"

"Not purposely…"

"Well you're bloody good at it!" Joker pulled his hat off his head and balled it in his hands. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"How about 'sorry, Joker. Didn't mean to scare you. I'm just a big, dumb Marine who's really bad at looking out for myself'. Y'know, something to make me feel a little better?"

"…is that how I sound or are you just really bad at impressions?"

Joker paused and they stared at each other. Joker was still seething, albeit more quietly. Shepard smiled and felt the humour swell in his chest before he couldn't contain it. He collapsed back to sit on the bed and laughed.

"…you're laughing. Of course you're laughing. Who wouldn't laugh?"

"I didn't know you cared so much, Joker."

Joker pulled his cap back onto his head. "Then you're not very bright, are you?" He sighed. "Watching you on a mission is like watching a horror vid. Got me sitting on the edge of my bloody chair the whole time."

"Maybe you shouldn't be watching then?" Shepard asked and smirked.

"That's not the point." Joker stepped down into the lower quarters and sat down on the couch. "I was worried."

"I know."

Joker smiled and the tension seemed to melt away from him. "You're an ass. So…what's it like to be _that_ high?"

"Like wanting to barf up a lung. Don't understand the appeal, personally."

"I don't think people usually do _quite_ so much, but hey, never do things by halves."

"So…how long was I out?"

"Not long, really. About six hours. As soon as you went down I had Chakwas waiting. She called Mordin. Turns out he has rather extensive knowledge on the more suspect of substances. But…it was pretty touchy there for an hour or so. You just collapsed and your body went into complete shock."

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck. No wonder he felt like shit.

"It took a while to stabilize you. It was just lucky it was easy enough to get you back to the ship. The prospect of taking a dead man to the local Medical ward was not so enticing apparently. The whole running with Cerberus thing doesn't exactly make us popular."

"Mm, well suppose I got lucky then. Again." Shepard collapsed back onto the bed and stared up at the ceiling. He should really stop with this whole 'lucky' thing, though. Surely there was only so far he could push fate. He could have gotten himself killed today just because he didn't take his helmet. "It's my fault. I should have known better."

"Than to inhale a tonne of poisonous gas? Yeah, probably."

"No…well, yes, but that's not what I meant. I left my helmet behind because I thought the mission would be easy. Find the Justicar and convince her to come with us – nothing is ever that easy." He put his arm over his eyes, blocking out the light. "But once you're wading through mercenaries it's a little late to go back to the ship and pick up your helmet."

"Sound advice for the future, then."

Shepard heard Joker stand and felt the end of the bed depress next to him. "I'm sorry I worried you…" he said and Joker sighed.

"Tris… I think I've been worrying about you for as long as I've known you. You've got no preservation instincts in combat. It's brutal. Whenever Kaidan stayed behind we'd sit in the cockpit and watch the video feeds and bet on who'd get injured first."

"I didn't injure myself that often."

"You didn't always win. Garrus took his fair share of hits. The old scars might be gone now but I remember you getting a lot of them."

Shepard lowered his arm and looked down to the end of the bed where Joker was sitting, staring at the fish in the tank. "I'm lucky. I swear up until…well…y'know…everything was just a long streak of luck. Seems like I could always pull myself out of a hopeless situation where everyone else died. The time my luck ran out…I like to think I gave it to everyone else."

"Don't say that."

Shepard didn't push it. Whatever Joker was feeling, it was clear he didn't want to talk about it yet. He might never want to talk about it. Shepard pulled himself up to sit, clasping his hands together as he leant forward. His knee brushed against Joker's and he felt a snap of electricity run through him. "Look…I'm sorry. I'm brash, and stupid, and I forget that I might make other people worry about me. I've had to look out for myself for a long time."

"I'm not the only person that cares about your safety, Tris."

"No…you're probably right. But you're the most important."

"Come on. You've got Liara, and Tali…and…"

Shepard placed his hand on Joker's knee. "And?"

"…and…other people that aren't me. I'm your pilot, no one special – amazing, yeah – but that's it. Just sayin'…"

Shepard smiled and shook his head. How far Joker was from the truth. In such a short time, no person's opinion had ever come to mean so much to him. To anyone else he would have told them not to worry about his safety and would have moved on, never to speak of it again. Even he and Kaidan had never shared so much or spent so much time together. All those nights in the bridge, meals in the mess, poker games, vids and beers...he didn't think he had spent as much time with one singular person in his entire life as he had with Joker.

Not in his entire life…

He looked at Joker. His face was shadowed by that damn cap – why he insisted on wearing that thing all the time, Shepard would never know – and he was staring at the ground. He possessed boyish good looks with pale skin, trimmed beard and the most incredible green eyes. There was certainly nothing unattractive about Joker. He supposed most people were put off by his personality – often scathing and usually rude. It certainly wasn't easy to get close to him but careful advances and a lot of persistence paid off.

He ran his thumb over the fabric of Joker's trousers where he was touching his knee. An unsettled feeling roiled in his stomach. How had he let this feeling sneak up on him, unnoticed, unchecked? When was the last time _anyone_ had meant this much to him?

"Yeah…no one special," Tris said. He smirked, wrapped his arm around Joker's shoulders and pulled the man against him. He pressed his nose to the back of Joker's neck and closed his eyes. The warmth of another person, their smell, the sound of their breathing – he'd missed this.

"Tris…?" Joker's voice waivered. But he didn't pull away.

There was a certain comfort that humans could only get from another person. Salarians and Krogans could keep their impersonal breeding requests, and he felt sorry for Quarians and the Volus, trapped in their environmental suits – so few of them would be able to regularly experience these sensations.

"Humor me." The buzzing in his head was slowly being replaced with that pleasant haze he'd experienced the other day. Joker had a particular smell to him – leather, soap, the fabric of his uniform.

The silence wasn't thick or heavy. There was none of that awkward stillness that begged to be filled with inane chatter. In the silence Tris could hear Joker breathing – the steady inhale and exhale past his lips, slightly faster than normal. In the silence, he could hear his own heart beating - thudding in his chest, slightly faster than normal.

"…are you lonely, Tris?" Joker asked, daring to broach the moment. His voice was quiet.

Pause. Breathe. The drumming of his heart. "Yeah… I am."

Joker's hand came up to cover Shepard's and he leant back against him.

"Me too."


	18. Fragile Until We Break

_Shepard,_

_I'm sorry for what I said back on Horizon. I spent two years pulling myself back together after you went down with the Normandy. It took me a long time to get over my guilt for surviving and move on. I'd finally let my friends talk me into going out for drinks with a doctor on the Citadel. Nothing serious, but trying to let myself have a life again, you know?_

_Then I saw you, and everything pulled hard to port. You were standing in front of me, but you were with Cerberus. I guess I really don't know who either of us is anymore. A lot has changed in the last two years and I can't just put that aside._

_But please be careful. I've watched too many people close to me die - on Eden Prime, on Virmire, on Horizon, on the Normandy. I couldn't bear it if I lost you again. If you're still the man I remember I know you'll find a way to stop these Collector attacks. But Cerberus is too dangerous to be trusted. Watch yourself._

_When things settle down a little... maybe... I don't know. Just take care._

_\- Kaidan_

Shepard sighed and leaned forward, resting his head against his hand. Kaidan… Why send a message now? Why this? Was he apologizing, was he accusing – what was this?

He pushed back his chair with an aggravated growl and stood. His skin itched. "EDI!"

"Yes, Commander?"

"Tell Garrus and Jacob to suit up. We're going to find this Assassin."

"Should I inform Dr Chakwas of your intentions?"

Shepard narrowed his eyes. "Oh, please do," he said sarcastically. "She'd just love that. Of course not! God…" He scratched his hand over his short hair.

"My apologies, Commander, but I was requested by the Doctor to ensure you remained in your cabin for at least 48 hours."

"And I want to kill something. So, please, by all means inform the good Doctor, but whether you, or her, or anyone else likes it or not, I'm going out. So do what I ask and stop with the backchat."

"Understood, Commander."

He flicked his hand across his console, closing the offending message from Kaidan. What did he want? If he wanted to apologize, why not try to do it in person? Why did he show up on Horizon, accuse him of basically being some sort of terrorist and then leave with nothing else to say? Did he now feel guilty and was trying to allay his own thoughts or did he genuinely feel bad for what he had said? It didn't seem like it.

He ripped his shirt over his head and threw it onto the bed, wishing it had a more satisfying thump behind it. He couldn't even slam a door – no doors to slam. He settled for kicking a boot across the room, but his energy was lacking and it tumbled a few feet before falling to land on its side. Shepard sat down on the end of his bed, rubbing at his hair again and then his neck, feeling his fingers drag across the port at the base of his neck. He thought he'd gotten over this. He'd already justified his little infatuation with Kaidan – hadn't he?

He didn't care if Kaidan hated Cerberus – so did he! – but he needed Kaidan to trust him. He needed him to trust that he would do the right thing; what he was doing was for the greater good, as dismal as that sounded. Why couldn't Kaidan see that?

Usually the process of pulling on the tight inner suit and clamping pieces of amour into place over the top was grounding, calming. It was a methodical procedure of ensuring that each piece clasped properly and created a seal with the next, to run suit diagnostics and checks before heading out, but he could feel the anger bubbling beneath his surface. The words of the message seemed to roll before his eyes. He sat back on the bed and pulled one boot on and reached for the next.

…right, kicked it across the room in a fit of rage.

Shepard sighed and lifted his arm, flicking his fingers across the interface of his Omni-tool and accessing his private messages.

Kaidan… Why couldn't he understand?

* * *

Jacob and Garrus didn't question his mood. They didn't ask why he stormed into battle, didn't stop him when he grabbed a mercenary and shot him in the stomach as he held his throat. They encouraged it.

"Nice one, Shepard! He felt that one," Garrus said over the comms.

Shepard grinned. The adrenalin was pounding through his veins. He felt strong, unstoppable and like everything fit into place around him. Jacob lifted a pair of mechs into the air and they fell with a shot from himself and Garrus.

"I love this rifle," Garrus said and came to stand next to Shepard. "Don't know how you can run with a shotgun. No class."

"I've got plenty of class, Garrus. It's just of the more explicit type."

"It's also why you're always covered in blood," Jacob said and motioned to Shepard's armour which was splattered with a veritable paintbox of colored blood.

Shepard wiped at his armour with his glove and then shrugged. "Not much good hiding when I look like this. May as well go for shock and awe."

"That's just the reaction when they see your face," Garrus said.

"Ouch. Harsh, Garrus, especially coming from you. At least I wear a helmet."

They were brothers in arms. There was a certain kind of camaraderie to be had with those who you entrusted with your life. That's what he'd had with Kaidan. He had trusted Kaidan implicitly – the man could have stabbed him through the heart and Shepard still would have expected there to be some sort of grand plan behind what he had done. So why didn't Kaidan trust him the same way? If the tables had been turned and Shepard had found Kaidan working for Cerberus two years after his disappearance, he would have _at least_ paused to listen.

He slammed his fist into the wall beside him.

"We better take cover. That elevator is coming down," Garrus said.

"Shit no. Let's give them a surprise," Shepard said. He grinned when he spotted two containment cylinders near the elevator doors. They had probably been used by the workers on the tower. He looked at Jacob and gave him a quick nod, which was returned. Jacob understood.

The doors slid open and Jacob lifted the two cylinders straight at the advancing Krogan mercenary. No one in the elevator had time to think or react. Shepard jumped over the barricade they had crouched behind and shot the cylinders – incendiary rounds. They never stood much of a chance. The two cylinders exploded and Shepard ran forward. If the Krogan had survived – the two Engineers certainly had not – then the shotgun blast to the head finished him off.

"And that, my friends, is how it's done," Shepard said.

"Remind me never to get on your bad side, Shepard," Garrus said and thumped him on the back.

"Oh, Garrus, I could never be mad at you. I'd be afraid of hurting your _feelings_."

Garrus thumped him harder and Shepard jumped out of the way and made a big show of rubbing his well-armoured arm.

"Do you hear that?" Jacob asked. Shepard and Garrus looked at him. "Sounds like… Over there."

They readied their weapons and Shepard hit the panel for the adjacent room. Locked. "Garrus."

"On it."

The doors slid open to reveal three salarians.

"Please don't shoot!"

"Please don't kill us. We just want to go."

"Kill you?" Shepard asked. He looked into the room. It was basically a closet. "You're unarmed and you don't look much like mercenaries."

"We're not! We just work here. We're working on the tower."

Shepard holstered his shotgun. "What are you doing in here with the doors locked? Why didn't you try to escape?"

"Someone…they locked us in. I thought for sure we were dead."

"Sounds like our assassin," Jacob said.

"I think he was trying to keep them safe," Garrus said. "We've cleaned out the mercs on the lower levels. You'll be fine to go now."

"You don't need to tell us twice. Come one, everyone."

Shepard stepped aside as the salarians hurried out of the small room and warily headed across the floor.

They headed up the elevator. If they didn't hurry the assassin would make his kill and move on and that would really put a dampener on an already pretty bad day. Shepard didn't want to imagine the conversation with the Illusive Man if the assassin got away from them.

The doors to the lift opened and ahead he could see an Eclipse merc pacing back and forth in front of a window.

"Yeah, don't worry. My team is ready to go. No…I don't know where he is!" The merc was talking into his earpiece.

Shepard gestured his team forward. "Hey! Turn around."

The merc turned and saw the three guns now pointed at him.

"Shit…"

"Where's the assassin?"

"What do you want with him? You're not a merc."

Shepard looked at the window and then at the mercenary. "Let me give you a little tip… It's a long way down. You can either take the easy way…or the scenic route. Your choice."

"Hey, look. Even if I did know where he was, I wouldn't tell you!" The merc stepped back as Shepard approached.

Shepard didn't know what it was – the mercenary's smug attitude or just the fact that he was angry – but the defiance made him seethe. "That's not the right answer. Want to try again?"

"I've got nothing more to say to you. My team is just over there. You shoot me and they'll be all over you."

"Fantastic," Shepard said. He wanted them to come. The more the better. Did some mercenary group really think they could take him down? He advanced on the mercenary and slammed him into the window. It fractured and he pushed. He watched with smug satisfaction as the mercenary plunged out of the tower, glass shattering into the air.

"That seemed unnecessary…" Jacob said to Garrus, trying to keep his voice under his breath.

* * *

"Did Shep just…?"

Joker could feel his fingers ache in pain as he clutched the arms of his chair. "Yeah… Yeah, he did."

"That is unnecessary…" Kasumi repeated. "Why would he do that? That doesn't seem like him at all."

"It's not him. This isn't Shepard. I thought for sure he was going to shoot that Salarian."

"Then why is he acting this way?"

"How should I know?"

"Well you did spend a very long time in his cabin last night. I thought _you_ might know."

Joker tensed and didn't look at her. Damn, he should just always expect that Kasumi was spying. Always! "The Commander was just after some company. Garrus was probably busy with his _calibrations_."

Kasumi snorted a laugh. "Is that the best excuse you have? Oh, Joker, you need to work on that."

"Hey, I don't need to justify myself to you."

"No, just to yourself."

Joker cringed. Damn her.

"Well…what could have upset Shep so much, do you think?"

Joker shrugged. "He was fine last night." Better than fine. He bit at the skin on his lower lip as he felt a tingle run up his neck. He could still feel the ghost of Tris' arm around him, the roughness of his stubble against the back of his neck and the warm air that had brushed over his skin. They had just sat like that, comfortable. It hadn't been weird, or strange, just…comfortable. Had he expected it to be strange?

Nothing with Tris had ever been strange. He had easily coaxed Joker out of his shell. He knew he was being led with each question – Tris had known exactly which buttons to press to goad him into answering, tease him to blurting out information he meant to keep sheltered. Joker rubbed his hands together, trying to ease the pain in his fingers. He wondered if it would be strange to wrap his arms around the Commander and pull him close. Would Tris lean against him again and be content to breathe him in?

"You've gone all quiet. Thinking about someone?"

Joker glared at her.

"Oh, I recognize the signs. You're a little too obvious for someone like me."

"It's none of your business."

"Of course it's not. That's why it's fun. Come on, Joker. Promise I won't tell. When did you start liking him, huh?"

"I don't. I don't like anyone. I hate everyone. I hate you."

"Uh-huh. And the cute little googly eyed look you get when you watch the video feeds is for Garrus then? Got a thing for turians?"

Joker wiped his hand over his forehead under the brim of his cap. Goddamn…there was no way out of this conversation, was there? "Fine! Geez…just, keep it to yourself, okay?"

Kasumi gave a delighted squeal. "Oh, that's so cute! You two would be so adorable. I knew it when I saw you on the Citadel. Drinking beer and eating ramen on this sweet, little date. It's so romantic, don't you think? He's the big Alliance hero; you're his pilot, ready to whisk him away on your spaceship." She swept her hand through the air. "Then he'd take you in his arms and—"

"Okay, you read way too many romance novels. Disturbing ones."

"Oh come on, Joker. We're all a little romantic deep down."

"No I'm not. I'm a man. We're not romantic."

Kasumi smiled and hunched her shoulders as a shiver ran up her spine. "Not true… Keiji was very romantic. I remember once he tried to cook me dinner. It was a horrible disaster, of course, so he ordered takeout instead and dished it up and pretended he'd cooked it. I knew the difference, but I didn't tell him that. He pulled me into his arms and said that even if things went wrong, he'd always make sure he did the best he could for me."

Joker felt his hands shake over his console. He drew them back into his lap and clasped them together.

"He died for me. Things went wrong…and he kept his promise."

Panic welled in his chest. No…that's not what he did. Keiji had left Kasumi. He left her alone in a world without him; a lonely, heartless, horrible universe where the one guiding light had been snuffed out.

"Joker, are you alright?"

"I need to… Bathroom. Stay here." He dragged himself out of his chair and hurried as fast as he could. He knew Kasumi watched him leave, but she didn't follow. He shoved past an engineer and could barely hold himself together to apologize, grunting out something that may not have even been a word as he passed. He stumbled into the elevator and slammed his hand onto the console much harder than necessary. His hands, his arms, his whole body was trembling. He raised his hand, his chest constricted as he tried to breathe, and clenched his fist, trying to gain some control.

When the doors to the elevator opened he all but ran for the bathroom – if only he could run! – and locked the door behind him. Almost quicker than he could kneel at the toilet he retched up what had been his last meal. He dropped his hat at his side, clutching the toilet seat with his other hand until his knuckles turned white.

This was stupid. Stupid! But in his mind he could see the _Normandy_ tearing apart, panic sitting like a tight knot in his stomach as his hands flew over the consoles, warning lights flashing and alarms screeching in his ears. And then Shepard falling away into atmo and reaching out with his hand when it was all too late.

He gripped the bowl and threw up again until there was nothing left but burning acid against his tongue. He grabbed the toilet roll, wiped his mouth, and collapsed back to sit on the cold floor. Blood thumped thick through his skull, his chest heaving. He hadn't had a reaction like that for a while now. Not since he stared at Tris' face and realized that he was alive. The dreams had petered away to once a week, then only occasionally and fragmented, then nothing. The feelings, however, were obviously still very real.

He had lied to himself, deluded himself all that time. Two years he had told himself that the reason he felt so guilty was because he felt responsible for the Commander's death. That was only part of it. The reason he had felt so guilty, so lost and abandoned…

Joker pulled himself up, throwing the piece of paper in the toilet. He flushed the toilet and went to the sink, flicking on the tap. He splashed his face with the cool water, wiping away the sweat, gargled to clean his mouth in an attempt to rid the taste of having just thrown up and leant against the sink, his arms still shaking, looking at himself in the mirror. He felt so guilty because he never told Tris how he felt. He had always assumed that Shepard would never be interested in a cripple, especially with Kaidan there to keep him occupied. But he had always _wondered._ What would have happened if he went for it? He could have flirted a bit, tested the waters and then plunged at any sign of approval. But no, he'd kept it all bottled away and told himself that he could never, ever be what Shepard wanted and just hated himself that little bit more. But it hadn't stopped his feelings growing, doubling in his chest until the thought of losing the man made his breath catch.

Just like Kasumi and Keiji, Shepard was his light in an otherwise dark universe.

* * *

"Come here often?" Joker asked.

Kelly looked away immediately and pretended to be reading her book.

"Come on. What is it? You may as well ask me since you keep fuckin' staring at me," Joker asked from his bunk. He wasn't making any attempt at sleep, but he didn't even have the superficial distraction of a book.

Kelly placed her book on the table. "I was just thinking that perhaps you should go see the Commander. He returned a few hours ago. He seemed very upset."

"Why don't you go see him?" Joker didn't know if he could talk to Tris at the moment. "You're the shrink."

"Commander Shepard is not very receptive to my help. He seems to have an ingrained fear of psychologists. I assume from his experiences on Mindoir and Akuze. I don't believe pushing him would make the situation any better. What the Commander needs is good friends and from what I've seen, you're the best."

"Hm."

"Please? I'm worried about him, Joker. He's been through so much. When I see him I just want to…hug him."

"I don't think he'd like that."

"You'd be surprised what effect just being close to someone can have."

"You're not going to leave this alone until I go, are you?" Joker asked.

"I don't think so, no."

"Fine!" He swung his legs over the side of the bed. Damn her. He'd been more than content to hide here in his bunk and ignore this whole damn thing.

But he was concerned about Shepard. He'd been so angry, so aggressive and so unlike himself. He scratched at his short hair and reached for his cap, only to reassess last moment. He was wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt and a pair of socks with a hole on one of the toes – whether he looked good or not really wasn't on the table here.

He made his way up to Level 1 and found himself again staring at Shepard's door. What if he didn't want company? He'd been in a terrible mood and Joker had no idea what had caused it – intruding on him might be the last thing he wanted.

Or perhaps he desperately wanted the company but was too much of a _man_ to ask for it?

Both seemed like possible options.

He pressed his hand to the panel and the glowing red symbol that indicated the door was locked. Maybe he should just leave?

But the doors slid open. Joker pulled in a quick breath and stuck his head into the room and looked around. Shepard was hunched over at his desk, cursing under his breath. "Commander…?"

"Good timing. Look, take this thing away from me, okay?"

"Huh?" Joker just held his hands out as Shepard thrust what _looked_ like a model of the Destiny Ascension at him. Shepard's fingers were covered in glue and the ship was a mangled mess.

"It promised 'old-fashioned' fun. Old-fashioned fun, my ass. All I've managed to do is get glue on my fingers and glue my fingers to the model. Who even uses glue like this anymore? Piece of shit…"

Joker turned the model over in his hands and bit back a laugh. Tris was standing in front of him trying to pick bits of glue from his fingers. He didn't really look angry, more like a child that had been denied a candy. "This is seriously what you've been doing up here since you got back?"

"…I thought it might, y'know…take my mind off things?"

"Did it?"

Tris paused. "You know, it did," he said after a moment. "Huh…"

"Well, then I guess you should consider it money well spent."

"Can you fix it?"

"You want me to fix this?" Joker asked. He looked at Tris. The look the Commander was giving him was almost pleading. He really cared about this stupid thing now. "Alright…let me see what I can do. I'm no expert but I used to do a lot of these things as a kid. Nothing better to do sitting in bed all the time with broken bones. And I am a bit of an expert with my hands." He sat down at the desk and set the model down in front of him, eyeing it critically.

"Expert with your hands? Hm, I bet," Tris said. He leant against the wall and stuck his hands in his pockets.

Joker choked on his breath and coughed. Okay, just ignore it. He's just baiting you.

"So this is really all you did as a kid?"

He shrugged. "This and games. Vids. Y'know, usual kid stuff…just without the running around and friends part. And with more broken bones."

"But it must have been interesting to be on Arcturus. Better than Mindoir."

Joker turned the model over in his hands, regarding it as he tried to determine how he was supposed to fix the mess the Commander had made. "I guess. The best bit was all the ships."

Shepard laughed. "How'd I know? Definitely better than crop fields." He leant his head back and closed his eyes. "Sometimes I remember the smell. Dirt, vegetables. Then the smell of it burning to the ground."

"That's kind of creepy, Tris."

"Sorry…didn't mean to go there. I've just been thinking about things lately."

"…like today?"

Shepard sighed. He sat down on the ground and leant his back against the wall. "Today, this week…since I regained consciousness. I guess it all just—"

"Became too much?"

"Exactly."

Joker carefully held the piece of the model together after gluing it back down, making sure it was even and that no glue was visible. "We were a bit concerned. You kind of snapped. You're not like that, Tris."

"I know! Shit. I just…" he trailed off and hung his head in his hands. "Kaidan sent me a message."

"What?"

"I don't even know what he wanted. Was he apologizing? Blaming me? And I let it get to me. I'm an idiot."

Joker turned the chair to face the Commander. "You're not an idiot. You're not the only one that lets things get to them and ruin an otherwise _sunny_ disposition. Just…y'know, maybe you could try talking to someone about stuff before you try to take down an entire mercenary hideout."

"We did recruit Thane."

"Oh, another dangerous alien aboard, Commander. Thanks. Why can't you collect coins or commemorative plates or something? You collected stray cats as a kid, didn't you?"

"Not 'collect'. They were good at keeping away vermin."

Joker stared at him. "…you're serious, aren't you?"

"It's not like I had a lot of them! When the colony was established a lot of people brought pets with them, and well…animals breed…so, stray cats. I only had about seven or so."

"I can't believe I was right… It all makes so much sense."

"Come on, you never wanted pets as a kid?"

Joker shrugged again. "I think I wanted a puppy. But all kids want a puppy."

Shepard smiled and looked Joker up and down. "I bet little Jeff Moreau was the cutest thing ever."

"Oh yeah, the kid with the broken bones and leg braces. _Cute._ "

"I'm serious. That smile, those eyes… If I'd known you back then, we would have gotten along great."

"I can't imagine I would have been much fun." Joker turned back to the desk. "Why is it that you've never cared about my Vrolik's? With everyone else I've always had to explain myself, only for them to treat me like a damn cripple anyway. You just went and trusted me without even finding out for yourself what I could do."

"I figured that if Anderson had picked you, you had to be something special. I was right. We all have our limitations, Joker. Bet you can't tell that I'm shit at math."

"…really?"

"Oh yeah. Rubbish at it. Not even sure how I dragged my ass through a lot of classes during training. Watching you do calculations does my head in. Not too crash hot at writing essays either. Really a gun and some biotics is all I've got."

Joker couldn't help but think that those 'guns and biotics' had done a lot more for the universe than a lot of so-called smarts. But he wasn't about to question the Commander's modesty. He knew Tris didn't like people making a fuss over him; he hated awards and medals, ceremonies, even articles in the news. He was the sort that preferred to stay anonymous.

"…so what should I do about the message?"

Joker glanced over briefly. His stomach sunk with the uncomfortable knowledge that Shepard still thought so much about Kaidan. "I don't know. Do you wanna reply?"

"No. I wouldn't know what to say other than what I've already said. He didn't listen last time, so why would he listen this time? I think this is something Kaidan needs to come to terms with himself."

"Then don't reply."

Shepard flicked through the screen on his Omni-tool and it was clear he was rereading the message. Probably for the hundredth time. "I just wish there was something I could say to him. Y'know, fix all solution? Something that would make him trust me. Make them all trust me. I'm sick of people questioning what I'm doing. I know I'm not a bad guy. I just want…" He rubbed his head and then covered his eyes with his hand, his shoulders slumping. "I just want everyone to leave me alone."

Joker heard the crack in Shepard's voice that belied the front he was putting up. "Did you want me to go, then?"

"You don't count."

He looked over again. Tris looked so fragile, which was weird because he was the big, muscled military sort – 'fragile' really shouldn't describe him. But his slumped posture, slightly shaking shoulders and the tone of his voice all screamed _help me_. Kelly's words filtered back to him and swirled around in his mind. Being close to someone… _Would_ it be strange to wrap his arms around Tris? What would he do? He stood and took the couple shaky steps to where Shepard sat on the cold ground and carefully knelt down in front of him. It was enough to make Shepard lower his hands from where he'd been scrubbing at his face and stare at him.

They were just staring at each other and not moving, like time had frozen around them. This was going to be so weird… Joker stared at the ground as he leaned forward, placing his arms around Tris' neck and pulling himself close. It wasn't the most comfortable embrace and his legs hurt from sitting in such a strange position, but the effect was almost instant. Shepard's whole demeanour changed and the tension eased from his shoulders. Damn Kelly…damn her for being right.

Perhaps some people really did need another person. Joker had never really felt it before. He'd been self-sufficient, closed off for so long, that he liked to think he could cope perfectly well in a world of isolation. Yet here he was, holding Shepard to him and wanting nothing more than to make him feel _better_ and _safe_ and he had never felt like this in his whole life. Shepard's arms came to encircle his waist and Joker could feel the scratch of his stubble against his neck along with the sigh of hot breath. He was quiet…calm. And part of himself calmed; the worry and concern he'd felt for Shepard dissolved.

"Sorry I couldn't fix your little ship," Joker said and he felt Shepard give a small laugh.

"I'll buy another," he replied, his voice muffled. "We can do it together."


	19. Racing Towards the Light

Shepard ducked behind the wall as another volley from the geth Pulse Rifles shot past them.

"This sunlight is eating straight through our shields!" Kasumi said. "And I'm wearing all black. Why'd you bring me? Can we get in the shade, please?"

"So we'll fight in the shade…but no hiding." Grunt gave Kasumi a shove as a cloaked Geth Hunter came around the corner. Kasumi sprawled into Shepard and activated her cloak, disappearing.

Shepard never thought he would miss the geth, but there was something familiar about the way they moved and acted. These ones were a little more advanced, but he figured two years had done a lot for them, too.

"We need to get across to the quarians—".

"Drop ship!" Grunt yelled.

"Get down, Shep!"

Shepard felt Kasumi drag him to the ground by her side even though he couldn't see her. The geth ship charged its cannon and unleashed two blasts. The quarians screamed as the large supporting pillar fell.

Kasumi winced and bowed her head against Shepard's arm. He patted her shoulder.

"No way through. Could blast a hole? Bet we could make a big bang." Grunt said.

All Shepard knew was that he had to get to Tali. She was in danger down here. This place was swarming with geth, half of her team were down and who knew where she was now. Hell…she might already be dead.

"We've got to find Tali," he said. "At this point…she's relying on us. We're getting her out."

"Quarians are so…squishy," Grunt said.

" _You'll find demo charges in the buildings nearby. Use them to clear a path."_

Shepard motioned his team forward at the Quarian's words over the comms. Hopefully he'd still be alive when they got there because he sounded like he might be one of the last bastions of heroism protecting Tali.

If Tali died… He shook his head. No, she wouldn't die. Tali was smart, quick, an excellent engineer, brave…she wouldn't die. Not like this.

"Shep, there are cloaked targets ahead," Kasumi said and slid behind a crate and then disappeared. Shepard could see her footprints in the sand before they too disappeared when she stepped onto stone.

Grunt ran out of cover and a cloaked Hunter slammed into him and threw him to the ground, only for the Krogan to tackle and head butt it, smashing its head to pieces. "Nice try…" he said with a laugh.

"Nice work, Grunt!" Shepard yelled. He raised his hand and one of the geth flew across the room and smashed against the wall.

"It's fun when they smash," Grunt said. "Heh…smash. Sounds like the noise their heads make."

Shepard smiled. He had to admit that even though Grunt was a loose cannon, he was fun to take into battle. "There should be one of the charges in here."

Finding the other two demolition charges was easy enough. The ruins were crawling with geth but they seemed scattered and uninterested in what the team was doing. That didn't fill Shepard with confidence, though. If the geth were unconcerned with their presence they were probably focussing their efforts on Tali's holdout.

"Alright, get back," Shepard said and pressed the button on his Omni-tool to begin the countdown. He and Grunt ran over to where Kasumi was waiting behind a wall.

"Wish I could stay and watch," Grunt said and thumped the wall with his fist. "Big explosions are…pretty."

"Nice to know Krogan's think _some_ things are pretty," Kasumi said.

They hunkered down just as the explosion rocked the compound, rocks and smaller debris shattering into the air and thumping to the ground.

Shepard focussed on finding Tali, very aware that the longer they took to get to her the smaller her chances of survival were. No matter what they came up against, he would get to Tali. He had to. He wasn't going to lose anyone else.

Kasumi whistled as they stepped into the room. "Quarian architecture. Nice shape too. If we could get an entire building out of here, I could line up a buyer."

" _Hello? Is anyone there? Hello?"_

Shepard ran over to the comm panel. It was old, but still functioning. Tali's hologram waivered. "Tali! It's me – Shepard. Are you alright?"

" _Shepard? Is that you? I-I'm not complaining, but you show up at the strangest times! What are you doing in the middle of geth space?"_

"Is that Tali? Oo, she's cute! Er…I think. Y'know, for a quarian? Hm…" Kasumi said and pressed her finger to her lips in thought.

"I've come to get you, Tali. Seems like you can use a little help."

" _Well as soon as the gunfire dies down, we can talk. Kal'Reegar and what's left of the Marines have locked me in the Observatory. From where you are it's through the door and across the field. I've got all the data I needed and I'm safe for now but there are a lot of geth outside."_

"This research sounds pretty damn important to risk so many lives."

" _It's about this world's sun. It's aging faster than it should…but there's no time for that now."_

"Would it help if I brought in the _Normandy_. Y'know, add some firepower?"

" _Doubtful. These buildings are centuries old. If you bring down heavy fire this whole place could collapse on us."_

So, no _Normandy._

"It looks like someone sealed the door. Can you get it open from you side, Tals? You haven't lost your touch, have you?"

" _As if! Here, it should be unlocked now. Be careful, Shepard, and please…do what you can to keep Reegar alive."_ The comm line went dead.

"Time to go. Tali's not going to make it if we don't hurry the hell up," Shepard said and motioned them out.

"Drones!" Kasumi yelled. She pressed herself against the wall and brought up her cloak. Shepard lost track of her fairly quickly.

"Little pieces of crap!" Grunt said and charged out of cover.

Shepard sighed, realizing he was now alone. Grunt was in the middle of the field shooting at the drones, Kasumi was gone; perhaps this was not optimal squad configuration. He needed someone to watch his six. His own combat style meant he often ran at enemies without considering the rest of the field layout and he relied on the likes of Garrus to take down an advancing infiltrator. He slid out of cover and heard Kasumi scream.

"Kasumi!" He couldn't see her. He couldn't see Grunt anymore. But he could hear them. Grunt was yelling and Kasumi swore. Shepard rounded the corner and froze. What the HELL was that? The Geth in front of him was huge, staring him down. Grunt was behind it, gun blazing, with little effect.

"Shit..." Shepard leapt at the ground as the Geth shot at him. He felt the buzz as his shields reflected the shots from the Geth's rifle. He holstered his shotgun and grabbed the rocket launcher from his back. Grunt better get the idea and move before he got a rocket to the face. He already had one crew member missing half his jaw. He stepped out from behind the wall and launched a rocket, feeling the heavy kick of the weapon stagger him back a step. The Geth wobbled but didn't fall, but its shields were down.

Grunt roared something unintelligible and ran at the Geth, slamming into it with all his weight. The Geth stumbled forward and dropped to one knee and Grunt jumped on it, grabbing its head. He pulled and twisted and ripped the Geth's head straight off and unloaded a shotgun blast to its chest.

"Kasumi, are you okay?" Shepard asked and hurried to her side.

"Ah…you know…red and black go well together, don't they?" She was holding her arm, blood dripping down her glove and onto the ground.

Shepard pulled a packet of medi-gel from a compartment on his suit and grabbed Kasumi's arm – perhaps a little rougher than he should have because she winced and bit back a cry of pain. Having been shot before, Shepard knew she would feel better once he administered the gel, so a little pain now would be worth it.

Grunt dropped the Geth's head beside them. "Can I keep it?" he asked.

"Uhh…we'll think about it. We've got bigger problems at the moment," Shepard said and Grunt sighed.

"I don't think I'm going to be much help…" Kasumi said. "My arm is looking a little like a varren's last meal."

"Either way, we aren't leaving you here. It's too open. Can you walk?"

Kasumi nodded and let Shepard help her to her feet. She reached down and grabbed her pistol. "I'll be fine. Let's find your quarian."

They crossed the ruins and headed through the next room. The gunfire was booming outside.

"I don't think it's going well," Kasumi said. She was holding her arm, but the pain would have diminished greatly thanks to the medi-gel.

Shepard pressed the button for the blast screens of the bunker. They rose slowly and they got a good look at the war ahead of them. Geth were everywhere and the few remaining quarian Marines didn't stand much of a chance. At the end of the field a great beast rose from its knees.

"Colossus…" Shepard muttered.

"This is why I follow you, Shepard. Big things…" Grunt said. He leant forward on the windowsill.

"Get down!" Shepard yelled as the Colossus turned for them. The pulse burned through the air and they dove to the ground. Stone rained down onto their backs as the dust settled from the explosion.

"It's always like this around you, isn't it?" Kasumi asked from the ground next to him. She was holding her arm tighter against her chest.

"Sorry… I seem to attract shit like this," Shepard said with a somewhat sheepish grin. "We should go help out those Marines." He helped Kasumi to her feet and they stole out of the room and down the stairs.

A quarian in a red envirosuit crouching behind a barricade ushered them over. "Squad Leader Kal'Reegar – Migrant Fleet Marines. We talked on the radio before that drop ship arrived. I still don't know why you're here but this ain't the time to be picky."

More debris rained down on them over the barricade as a rocket exploded nearby.

"Tali's inside over there. Most of my squad has been killed and they're trying to get to her. The best I've been able to do is draw their attention."

"Great. I mean, I missed the geth but I didn't really want quite this many," Shepard said. He peeked over the barricade and saw another quarian fall, its body convulsing as it was riddled with bullets. He cursed under his breath and ducked back down.

"The Colossus is the worst part. It's got a repair protocol. It huddles up and fixes itself. I can't get a clear shot while it's down like that. I'd like to get in closer but one of the bastards punched a hole clean through my suit."

Shepard looked him up and down. "You right?"

"Combat shields clamped down and I'm swimming in antibiotics. The geth might get me but I'm not going to die of an infection in the middle of a battle. That's just insulting!"

"Touché. My squad mate is injured. Kasumi, stay here and hold down the fort on this side. Try to draw some of the heat off me and Grunt. We'll take the right walkway to avoid some of the heavy fire."

Kasumi nodded. "I'm sorry, Shep."

Shepard shook his head. "I promised Tali that we'd keep Reegar alive. She'll never forgive me if I don't keep that promise. I'm counting on you to drag him out of here if need be." He thumped Grunt on the arm and they ran out of cover, bolting for the right side of the compound. The ramp up would give them enough of a vantage point that the geth on the lower level couldn't hit them and they would have a clear view of the Colossus.

"It's after your blood," Grunt said and yanked on Shepard's arm, hauling him to the ground. The Colossus shot at them, the charge dissipating against the metal barrier. "Look…tanks. I know tanks. Those blow up nice." He pointed a thick finger at the two containment tanks near the geth positioned behind a barrier.

Shepard smirked. Maybe Grunt wasn't all spontaneous stupidity. He lined up a shot and fired his pistol. The two tanks exploded and he could hear the whine and chatter of geth comms. Grunt whacked him on the back and then raced forward, drawing his shotgun. Well, at least he'd somewhat thought about his plan. Shepard exhaled and his biotic charge pulled him through space – passing through the barrier in front of him until he was level with the Geth Hunter. As he hurtled back he brought the butt of his rifle against the Geth's head and knocked it back onto the ground before unloading a spray of bullets into its chest.

"On its ass…nice," Grunt said and motioned ahead. The geth on the lower level were still fighting the remainder of the quarian Marines and the added firepower from Kasumi and Reegar and his rocket launcher was enough to keep the heat off them on the walkway. The Colossus, however, seemed onto them.

"Got a plan?" Grunt asked as they crouched behind a stone pillar.

"Overwhelm the shields and blow it to hell. Can't think of a better way to go about this."

"Impossible odds… I like it."

Grunt ran out of cover and the Colossus moved, its spindly legs puncturing the stone beneath it as it grounded itself. It reared its head back and Grunt rolled for cover behind a crate. The crate exploded but Shepard used his chance when he saw it and stepped out from behind the pillar. Two rockets burned into the Colossus; the first fizzled through the shields, the second blowing a large chunk of armour off its hide.

"Go!" Shepard yelled and Grunt ran forward. They met in the middle and advanced on the lumbering creature as it tried to curl itself into its protective shell. They wouldn't let it. Another rocket and another chunk of ablative armour spun off its back and against the wall. Wires and servos cracked and sparked and Shepard could hear the whine of mechanics. The boom of Grunt's shotgun sounded next to him and a red hot heat sink landed on the stone at his feet. He could see the mechanics of the beast exposed like vital organs. He reached forward and his body fired, the blue aura of energy surging around him. Wires, cables and fuel lines were wrenched from the metal frame, leaking critical fluids across the masonry. The beast crashed to the ground, its light extinguished.

Grunt looked over his shoulder and nodded his approval.

" _We've got them on the run now, Marines!"_ Reegar yelled over the comms.

With the Colossus down the remaining geth had no protective covering fire. They were left exposed on the open battlefield and were picked off one by one from the advancing Marines, Shepard and Grunt.

"The bigger they are, the harder they fall," Kasumi said. She appeared next to Grunt, who took a slight step away from her in what may have been surprise – not that he would ever admit that.

"Been a while since I saw one of those."

"Nice work with the biotics. It's rare to see someone use them so…creatively," she said and kicked at some of the cables on the ground that spilled out of the shell of the Colossus.

"C'mon, we've got to convince Tali not to hate me," Shepard said.

The observatory was just behind them. Tali's life really had been hanging on a thread. She was standing over a console, tapping and moving her fingers across the displays.

"Tals. Sorry we're a little late."

"Shepard!" She turned to face them. "Thank you… If not for you, I don't think I'd have ever made it out of this room. This whole mission has been a disaster! I wish I had joined you back on Freedom's Progress, but I couldn't let anyone take my place on something this risky." She walked over, wringing her hands together.

Shepard smiled and pulled his helmet off. Tali's trust and friendship meant the world to him. He couldn't imagine the young quarian hating him and the weeks he'd gone thinking she did had really hurt.

"It's good to see you again, Tali," he said and held his hand out to her. It took her a moment, she was nervous, but she reached out and took his hand and gave it a considered squeeze before letting go.

"I want to come with you, Shepard. Just let me transmit the data…" Tali brought up her Omni-tool display and flicked a couple screens. "There… I'm coming with you and if the Admirals have a problem with it they can go to hell. I just watched half my team die…"

"But not the whole team, ma'am…"

Shepard turned and saw Kal'Reegar limp into the room. He was holding his side in pain but he was alive.

"You made it!" Tali said.

"Your old Captain's as good as you said. Damn Colossus never stood a chance."

"Do you need help getting out of here?" Shepard asked. "You're not going to kick it now, are you?"

Reegar shook his head. "Geth didn't damage our ship. Long as we get out of here before reinforcements show up, we'll be fine."

Tali wrung her hands together again, looking at the ground. "Reegar… I won't be going with you. I'm joining Commander Shepard."

Reegar didn't answer immediately, mulling over the information. "If you think that's best," he said finally. "I'll tell the Admiralty Board what happened. She's all yours now, Shepard. Keep her safe."

"Will do, Reegar. Have a safe trip back to the Fleet."

Reegar left without any more words. They didn't have time for words. Shepard could see Tali still wringing her hands together, shuffling her feet.

"Let's get back. I don't want to be stuck here when more geth show up, either."

"Of course…" Tali said.

"So, I've heard lots about you! My name's Kasumi. Kasumi Goto. Ignore the arm, I'm fine."

"…Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya. Nice to meet you."

* * *

"Cerberus saw footage of you in action, Tali'Zorah. We're looking forward to having you on the team. Your engineering expertise will really benefit the mission," Jacob said.

"I don't know who you are but Cerberus threatened the security of the Migrant Fleet. Don't make nice."

"I wasn't part of what happened to the Migrant Fleet but I understand your distrust. I hope you'll get past that as we work together."

Tali folded her arms and the slight tilt of her head screamed her annoyance.

"I assumed you were undercover, Shepard. Maybe even planning to blow Cerberus up; if that's the case, I'll loan you a grenade. Otherwise I'm here for you…not for them."

"I make sure things are done my way," Shepard said. For the most part, anyway. There was still the black cloud of Cerberus hanging over his every move.

"I'll get you the necessary security clearance to access our systems. Don't forget to introduce yourself to EDI – the ship's new artificial intelligence."

It was a throwaway comment as he left but Jacob had no idea what he'd just done. The doors swished shut behind him and Tali rounded on Shepard.

"An AI?"

"I know. I'm not happy either but I've had to make some concessions."

Tali walked past him, pacing the length of the room. She was never quite sure what to do with her hands so wringing them together seemed to be the most obvious answer. "I really want to be able to trust you, Shepard. I'm…I'm sorry for what happened on Freedom's Progress. But working with Cerberus, an AI…I just don't know what to think."

Shepard stepped in front of her and placed his hands on her arms. "Tals… Even if you don't trust Cerberus, don't trust an AI, you've got to at least trust me. Have I ever given you cause not to trust me?"

"No…"

"There. It's no different now. You are my friend and I would never do anything to hurt you or any one else I care about. The whole reason I do this is for you guys. Do you think I like running into complete warzones? I'm kind of sick of people trying to blow my head off."

Tali laughed and leaned a little closer to him. "I know. I just was so shocked when I saw you. I missed you."

"I missed you too, Tali."

* * *

"Okay, okay, shut up for a second," Shepard said and waved his hand at his crew. "Please make Tali welcome as our newest crewmate. I'm expecting her to have glowing reports about all of you. In fact you should probably all spend the first couple weeks trying to impress her so getting drunk tonight is not the best course of action."

"Says the man with a beer in one hand!" Donnelly called from the end of the table.

"Ah, but I don't have to impress anyone. I'm your CO. You have to like me," Shepard said and grinned. He raised his beer and then let the crew get back to their impromptu celebration. Hell, even Jack had made her way upstairs, though she had found herself a nice corner to stand in away from the rest of the crew. Shepard smiled in her direction and gave a small wave. It took a moment but she smirked and nodded her head at him in response.

"I feel so embarrassed!" Tali said.

"Ah, I wouldn't worry about it. You know Shepard – any excuse for a beer," Garrus said.

"Hey now, that's not true. This is a perfectly legit excuse." Shepard sat down across from them at the table. "It's like getting the old team back together. If that doesn't call for a beer then I dunno what does."

It might not be the whole team, but it was something. He was piecing his life back together. The feelings of loss and abandonment had diminished. He might have lost some of his old crew and friends but as he looked around the mess hall he could see the faces of the new friends he had gained. Miranda was speaking with Jacob near the wall, Mordin and Chakwas were looking over a data pad, Gabby and Ken arguing over something at the end of the table, and Kasumi attempting conversation with Jack. It would have never been his choice to side with Cerberus but now that he was here it didn't always seem so terrible.

There was one person this little party was missing, though.

"Are you alright, Shepard?" Tali asked.

"Oh he does this. I wouldn't worry about it," Garrus said. "Though sometimes I do wonder what he's thinking about."

Shepard shook his head. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"You look much better than you did on Freedom's Progress. I was really worried about you."

"So is it true that women like men with scars?" Garrus asked Tali and nudged her with his elbow.

"What? I don't know! But Shepard is very handsome… I mean…"

Garrus laughed and Tali started wringing her hands together anxiously.

"That's not what I meant! I mean that Shepard is still handsome even with scars. Not that I mean he's handsome. Not that he's _not_ handsome… Oh Keelah…"

"Stop teasing her, Garrus. It's just mean at this point," Shepard said and tried to stifle his own laugh.

Tali bowed her head. "I just mean that you look much better than you did then, Shepard. I was worried about you, but now you look…happy."

Garrus looked at him. "You have seemed better lately. Aside from that one little _incident_."

"Incident?" Tali asked.

"Don't ask. But I think you have a point, Tal. There's something about the Commander lately that I haven't seen in a long time."

"Come on, guys, you're freaking me out analysing me here. There's nothing up."

" _Hey Commander, sorry to break up the party but we've got an urgent transmission coming in from you know who,"_ Joker said, the comms breaking through the din of the room. Everyone fell quiet and looked in Shepard's direction.

"Guess he found out we're drinking on the job. Hope he doesn't find out I charged it to his account too," Shepard said as he stood and was glad for the laugh his joke received. "Stay on your toes, people." Of course talking to the Illusive Man was the last thing he wanted to be doing but when he got a call he was expected to answer and, to the man's credit, he never really interrupted unless it was something important.

He made his way to the Communications Room and activated the quantum entanglement array before stepping between the holographic projectors. It really was amazing technology that allowed them to completely bypass the extranet traffic and bandwidth parcelling but completely impractical for any real widespread use.

The Illusive Man was standing, a cigarette between his fingers. He took a long draw from it and blew the smoke away in a long stream. "Shepard – we caught a break. I intercepted a distress call from a turian patrol. They stumbled onto a Collector ship beyond the Korlus system." He turned to face Shepard. "The turians were wiped out, but not before they crippled the Collector vessel. I need you to board that ship and get some hard data on the Collectors. Find us a way to get to their homeworld."

Shepard folded his arms and watched the Illusive Man pace back and forth before finally settling to sit in his chair. "I find it a little hard to believe that a turian patrol could take out a Collector ship. The _Normandy_ didn't even stand a chance."

"Reports indicate the hull's intact but all the systems seem to be offline."

" _Seem_ to be offline?"

"They could be making repairs as we speak. I'm not saying it won't be dangerous, but we can't let an opportunity like this slip by."

"You sure your intel is good on this? I don't want to be walking into a trap."

"Information is my weapon, Shepard. It's good."

Shepard ran his tongue over his lip as he thought. He really didn't like the sound of this. The Collectors had completely obliterated the _Normandy SR-1_ and the times they had run across the Collectors on planets seemed only to prove how dangerous they were. Walking onto one of their ships that may or may not be disabled seemed like a bad idea. But the Illusive Man was right – they needed hard data, stuff that could only be mined from a Collector ship's databanks manually. He had a good team. They could do this.

"Send through the coordinates to Joker and I'll get it done." The holographic suite shut down and Shepard turned to leave.

" _Commander. Coordinates are punched in. Let's go find ourselves a Collector ship."_

No turning back now.


	20. Stars Collide

"We have a visual on the Collector ship, Commander."

Shepard leant on the back of Joker's chair and stared out into space. Up ahead was the large structure of the Collector vessel.

"Very low emissions. Passive infrared temperatures suggest most systems are offline. Thrusters are cold," EDI said.

"That thing is massive. How the hell did the turians take it out?" Joker asked as they approached.

Shepard just shrugged. He still found this whole situation suspicious. There should be debris if the turian patrol had been destroyed, unless the Collector vessel had limped here before shutting down its systems to repair. Either way, he doubted this thing was dead. It didn't add up.

"Ladar scans do not detect any hull breaches on the side facing us. I detect no mass effect field distortions. It appears the drive core is offline."

"Rendezvous in 30 seconds, Commander."

Shepard felt the uncomfortable knot in his stomach double. He didn't like to walk into these sorts of situations. He'd learnt to trust his gut when something just didn't feel right. Akuze hadn't felt right. It had been too quiet, too desolate, and then everything had gone to hell.

"We're really doing this, huh?" Joker asked and looked up at Shepard.

"Yeah… Not much choice." Shepard could see the lines of worry on Joker's face illuminated in yellow light from the consoles.

"I wanna get these bastards, too, but just be careful, okay?"

Shepard smiled. He leant down and placed his hand on Joker's shoulder and gave it a careful squeeze. "Don't worry, Jeff. I'm coming back."

* * *

They stepped out of the shuttle once it had landed and immediately Shepard's gut clenched with nervous anticipation. The ship was massive. The corridor in front of them stretched out further than he could see.

"What the fuck is this thing?" Jack asked from beside him. She walked backwards a few paces, staring up at the ceiling which was covered in strange hive-like structures. It was like this place had been grown, rather than built.

"Unusual ship design. Hard to track lines, angles. Disturbing," Mordin said.

Normally Mordin would not have been his first choice in squad mate but his knowledge and scientific mind seemed like the best choice for a mission where the main objective was to gain information.

He also countered Jack's more…brazen style of combat.

"Just lemme at them giant bugs," Jack said and clicked a heat sink into place on her pistol. "Bastards will never see me coming until their insides are squished under my boots."

" _Penetrating scans have detected an access node to uplink with Collector databanks. I have compared the ship's EM signature to known Collector profiles. It is the vessel you encountered on Horizon."_

Fantastic. "That would explain a lot. If the defence towers softened it up the turians would have had more of a chance."

"Could find missing colonists aboard. If they are still alive," Mordin said.

They moved through the maze of the Collector vessel. It was hard to make any sort of mental map of their whereabouts. Strange rocky architecture jutted into walkways and paths fell away to nothing but gaping holes. More than once they had to reassess their path and double back to another route.

It would prove very difficult to get out of here in a hurry. He hoped it wouldn't come down to that.

"Same containers Collectors used on Horizon," Mordin said. He stopped and leaned down to look into one of the vessels. "Empty. Horrible…trapped in pods. Completely at mercy of Collectors."

Usually Shepard would engage in banter with his squad mates, but this time he left them to discuss the implications of their situation alone. Not that there was much chatter. Jack would occasionally mutter something sarcastically at Mordin's comments but otherwise they didn't talk much to each other. He didn't want his mind distracted. He felt on edge, teetering on the brink of something he could see in the shadows, hear stalking him, but never get a proper visual on.

Perhaps it was just his past catching up to him.

"Oh shit… That smell!" Jack cursed and coughed.

"Horrible. Despicable."

Shepard paused and lowered his gun. The dead bodies were piled high in front of them; left to rot in a heap of human flesh. An arm stuck out of the heap, a severed leg thrown carelessly onto the ground.

"Why the hell would they just leave a pile of bodies?" Jack asked.

"Test subjects from control groups. Discarded after experiment was over."

Shepard turned away.

Piles of dead bodies, the smell of burning flesh and crops, the screams of his friends, his family. His father pushing him towards the hydroponic shelter, bleeding, yelling unintelligible words and slamming the door in his face. Hiding in a dark shed, holding a warm, bleeding ball of fur against him, begging it not to make a sound. Please be quiet.

The cat purred as it died.

He held it in his arms until an Alliance Marine took its body from him and he was led away. He never saw Mindoir again.

"Oi, Shep?" Jack asked and snapped her fingers at him.

He shook his head. The corners of his eyes burned.

"Can't help them now. Best to keep moving," Mordin said.

Shepard followed Jack and Mordin away from the bodies thrown carelessly on the rocky outcrop. He felt sick to his stomach and he clenched his hands tighter on his pistol.

"More pods… But these ones full," Mordin said and stopped near the pods. He leaned forward but the creature inside didn't move. "Collector."

Shepard raised his Omni-tool and brought up the information on the terminal. Gibberish to him. He hoped EDI could decipher this mess.

"Why would they experiment on their own kind?" Jack asked. "Seems messed up and I know messed up."

Shepard pressed his comms. "EDI! I'm uploading the data from this terminal. Maybe we can get an idea on what the hell was happening here."

" _Data received. Analysing."_

Shepard paced as he waited. He felt exposed here.

" _The Collectors were running baseline genetic comparisons between their species and humanity. I have no hypothesis on their motivations but I do have the preliminary results. They reveal something remarkable… A quad-strand genetic structure, identical to traces collected from ancient ruins. Only one race is known to have this structure: the Protheans."_

Shepard looked at the Collector in the pod. "The Collectors are Protheans. You've got to be shitting me."

"Not extinct. Just…changed," Mordin said and leaned against the pod.

" _These are no longer Protheans. Their genes show distinct signs of extensive genetic rewrite. The Reapers have repurposed them to suit their needs."_

"They turned them into slaves. Is this what they want to do to humanity?"

"I'd rather shoot myself in the head first," Jack said. "I'm not becoming one of those things."

"We should find what we came for before the Collectors show up to salvage this mess."

They moved on through the corridors. The ceilings were lined with pods, but there was no way to tell how many were full. If they had been full, the life signs were gone. Every time he turned a corner Shepard expected a full assault from the Collectors but they were just faced with another empty corridor or room. Was he paranoid? Probably. But not without cause. They salvaged what they could, took all the information they could access from data nodes but otherwise moved through the ship with practiced ease. And silence.

It was too silent. He could hear their boots against the ground. The creak and groan of the ship around them.

" _Commander, you gotta hear this."_

Shepard actually jumped when Joker's voice cut over the comms. Tense; too tense.

" _On a hunch I asked EDI to run an analysis on this ship."_

" _I compared the EM profile against data recorded by the original_ Normandy _two years ago. They are an exact match."_

That proved it. This was no coincidence. No way in hell would the same ship just happen to appear on Horizon and now just _happen_ to be available for them like this.

"Way beyond coincidence," he said and they headed up the ramp.

" _This doesn't add up. Watch your back,"_ Joker said and though he didn't say much over the comms Shepard could read between the lines and hear the plea for his safety.

He was keeping his promise. He was coming back to Joker, no matter what.

"Fascinating…"

Shepard burst out into the light and stopped in the middle of the path, lowering his gun to his side. "Holy shit…"

"Even if they took every last damn human in the Traverse they'd still have pods to spare," Jack said.

The huge cavern was lined with pods stretched as far as they could see. The distance, the expanse, was unfathomable.

"Only one conclusion: Collectors targeting Earth," Mordin said.

He'd gone along with Cerberus, listened to the Illusive Man. He'd gone to Freedom's Progress, picked up squad mates, forced himself to like people he normally would have given a wide berth, fought with Kaidan on Horizon, and reassembled his team, but he'd always just been going through the motions until now. Until now, it hadn't mattered so much. It hadn't seemed connected, real.

This was real.

And he would stop this.

"Let's move." He motioned his team forward and ahead he could see what looked like an access point.

"Control panel on the platform," Mordin said and pointed. "But something not adding up."

"No shit. This stinks worse than the back end of a Krogan," Jack said. "No way in hell this ship is dead."

Shepard holstered his gun and went to the panel. "EDI. I'm setting up a bridge between you and the Collector ship. Get something useful and make this little trip worth our time."

* * *

Joker leaned forward as the screens in front of him changed and data started to stream from the Collector ship. He was glad EDI was here for this – he didn't understand any of what filtered past.

"Data mine in progress, Shepard."

His screens fuzzed and various error signals came up on each screen, blinking red warning lights. He narrowed his eyes and turned as he heard the strange chatter of Collector comms. Instead of EDI's blue hologram a red, insectoid creature was projected onto the podium.

"Uh… That can't be good—" He was cut off as he heard an explosion from the video and comm feeds. "Shepard!" The cockpit went black. It was a flash, barely more than a flicker of lights, but that did _not_ happen on his ship. Ever.

" _What the hell just happened?"_

Joker breathed out, trying to slow his racing heart. Shepard was alive. "Major power surge. Everything went dark, but we're back up now."

"I managed to divert the majority of the overload to non-critical systems," EDI said.

For once, Joker was glad for the blue orb that represented EDI.

"Shepard, this was not a malfunction. This was a trap."

" _No shit. Whoa-"_

"Shit…" Joker ran his fingers over his console, trying to keep up with the video feeds. The platform the team had been standing on had risen into the air and was moving – hovering – down the length of the ship. "EDI, do something!"

" _EDI, not to rush you but we could use a little help here…"_

"I am having trouble maintaining a connection. There is someone else in the system."

Joker hated this. He hated feeling helpless, trapped here on the ship and not able to do a damn thing. If Shepard died now, he wouldn't even be able to go retrieve the body. Sickness welled in the pit of his stomach and he bit his lip.

The platform slammed into another and the team went sprawling to the ground.

"Connection re-established. I need to finish the download before I can override any systems."

"Do it quick, EDI. Time is kind of important here," Joker said. "You've got incoming hostiles, Commander!"

The incoming platforms carried all sorts of Collectors and all Joker could do was hope for the best. He trusted Shepard.

He trusted he would keep his word.

 _Don't worry, Jeff. I'm coming back._ Joker touched his shoulder where Shepard had placed his hand before he left. "EDI…please hurry."

" _Scion!"_ Shepard yelled over the comms. Jack swore and was followed by the boom of a rocket exploding.

" _Son of a bitch! Shepard, watch where you aim!"_

" _Don't jump in front of rockets! Staying Alive 101."_

" _Not conducive to argue between squad."_

Jack grumbled something else but it went undetected by any comms.

"Eighty-four percent."

"I don't think they need to know that, EDI. Just when you're finished." Joker winced as he saw Shepard get thrown back against the ground.

" _EDI! Stop with the chat, just get us the hell outta here!"_

"I am simultaneously fighting Collector firewalls in over 8,000 nodes. I am tasked to capacity."

" _So don't talk. Free up some processing space."_ Another platform connected with the one the squad were fighting from and all conversation, however derisive, was halted.

He should really stop watching. Did watching the vid feeds really make him feel better? The ball that had twisted in his stomach sure didn't think so. The relief as his screens flashed green was overwhelming.

"Shepard, you must manually re-establish my link to the command console," EDI said and Joker sighed in relief.

He looked at the blue orb with the burgeoning feeling of what might, maybe, possibly be respect…if only a little. If EDI hadn't been here, who knows what would have happened.

"Nice work, EDI," he said and leaned back in his chair with a sigh.

"I am afraid the Commander is still not back aboard the ship, Mr Moreau. However I do appreciate the compliment."

" _What now, EDI?"_

"I have regained control of the platform, Shepard. I found data that could help us successfully navigate the Omega 4 relay. I have also found the turian distress call that served as the lure for this trap. The Collectors were the source. It is unusual."

"Of course it was a trap!" Joker said. He could have told them that before they even went in.

"Turian emergency channels have secondary encryption. It is present, but corrupted in the message. It is not possible that the Illusive Man would believe the distress call was genuine."

" _Son of a bitch…"_

"He knew it was a trap? Why would he send us into a trap?" Joker asked and looked at EDI. That made no sense at all. The Illusive Man had spent a lot of time and creds brining Shepard back to life; why send him into what may be his death?

" _He sent us right to the Collectors."_

" _Foolish to trust Cerberus,"_ Mordin said.

" _Don't say I didn't warn you,"_ Jack said in a nonchalant way that made Joker kind of want to punch her.

The readouts in front of him began to beep and Joker turned back to his console. "Shit… Uh, Commander? Another problem. The Collector ship is powering up. You need to get out before their weapons come online. I'm not losing another _Normandy_!"

I'm not losing you.

"EDI! Keep up close but fire up the engines. We're going to have to get out of here quick," he said and turned to EDI.

"I do not have full control of their systems. I will do what I can. Sending coordinates for shuttle extraction."

" _Time to get out of here, people,"_ Shepard said.

Please hurry.

Joker did what he could, helping EDI plan a course through the Collector ship, but really he was a superfluous object in front of the console. EDI was faster, smarter and all-round _better_. And he had to deal with that.

Because EDI was saving Shepard's life.

He could deal with that.

"Take the door on your right," EDI commanded.

Rooms ahead of them were swarming with Collectors but the team was fast, fighting with an aggression and focus that Joker could only hope would get them out of there in time. The display was brilliant – Shepard would lay down covering fire and Jack ran forward, sweeping the area clean with a blast of biotic energy. Mordin would pick off enemies on higher levels, each shot precise and calculated; maximum damage for the least amount of energy.

It was all working so well.

"I'm opening a door on the far side of the room," EDI said.

" _Get down!"_

" _Shepard! What the fuck is that thing?"_

Joker sat upright in his chair. The sensors on his console flashed.

"Praetorian. The same Collector type as experienced on Horizon," EDI offered.

" _If I die, Shepard, I'm haunting you!"_

" _Fantastic. You can keep me company at night."_

Joker bit at his nail. Goddamn, he was so useless here! There was nothing he could do.

"Mr Moreau, you seem excessively tense and agitated."

"Of course I am! Geez, talk about dumb observations… Shepard is down there and I can't do shit to help him."

"I have observed your relationship with Commander Shepard. I am…confused."

Joker looked at EDI. Yeah…well that made two of them. "I just want him to come back safe. We've already lost him once."

" _Dead! Take that, bitch!"_ Jack yelled.

" _Lucky hit. I was lining up a good shot,"_ Shepard countered.

" _Oh yeah, sure you were. Hiding behind the wall like a little girl while your shields recharge."_

" _Friendly banter in face of great danger. Brings squad together. I approve."_

EDI opened the locked door and the squad progressed but it was fast getting to be a problem that they were still on that ship.

"They don't have much time…" Joker said.

"The Collector vessel is showing large spikes in energy," EDI said and the screens in front of Joker flashed to readouts of the ship.

" _There! Isn't that where we came in?"_

" _Looks like it. There's a clear path between here and the shuttle. EDI! Keep those doors open and try to divert the Collectors off our ass."_

"Confirmed, Shepard."

"Hate to rush you, Commander, but those weapons are about to come online. Might wanna double-time it so we can leave before they blow the _Normandy_ in half."

Joker felt his heart racing practically in his throat for the panic that raged through him. Readouts from engineering scrolled down a screen to his left and he noticed the familiar hallmarks of Tali's handiwork. Nice. She'd have the _Normandy_ back up to scratch in no time.

Warning alarms sounded in his ear. No time. "We're out of time, Commander. We have to go!"

He bit at his lip, watching Shepard, Mordin and Jack race towards the shuttle. Husks were thrown out of the way, downed with a shot to the head or incapacitated as a limb was destroyed.

" _Go, go!"_

The Collector vessel sprung to life. Its lights blinked on in a sweep along its length and his consoles blared at the energy readouts. Just a few seconds more. The shuttle was coming. Shepard was coming back.

He wouldn't leave him…even if they were destroyed.

"Strap in people – Gonna make 'em work for it this time!" he hollered over the comms across the ship. The shuttle docked and that was all the incentive he needed to get the hell away from here. "Let's go, EDI."

"Of course."

He heard the thumping of boots behind him on the gantry and turned to see Shepard racing towards him.

"Get us the hell out of here, Joker!"

"My sentiments exactly."

He dismissed the warning signals as the Collector vessel charged its weapons. He was expecting it this time. There would be no surprise attack. If they wanted to dance, he could _dance._

He turned the _Normandy_ and banked her to the side of the huge particle beam from the Collector vessel.

"EDI, I can't dodge this guy forever. Get us outta here!"

"Specify a destination, Mr Moreau."

Goddamn, was it kidding him? He pulled the _Normandy_ back sharp and was forced back into his chair as the hull shuddered. "Anywhere that's not here!"

"Engaging mass effect core."

Joker breathed out as the familiar pull of energy thrust them into sub-space. He pulled his hat off his head and dropped it in his lap. The sweat rolled down his brow.

"Joker—"

The _Normandy_ dropped out of FTL and the comms beeped.

"…the Illusive Man," Joker said. "I figure you'll be wanting a few words with him, too?"

Shepard pulled off his helmet and held it under one arm. "Yeah, no kidding." He ran his finger over the scar on his lip. "Nice flying, Joker. I'll see you later?"

It wasn't an invite. It was expected, a given thing. Joker nodded.

"Great." Shepard smiled at him and headed back down to CIC. The Illusive Man was going to get a piece of his mind. A big piece. What the hell did he think that was all about? Sending them into a Collector ship – a trap! – and for what? What did they learn?

He stormed into the Communications Suite and placed his helmet on the ground next to him as the holographic emitters beamed over him.

"Shepard—"

"What the _fuck_ was that about? I knew you'd set us up. A trap. We walked into a goddamn trap. I hope you have something that you're at least going to pretend is a good reason."

The Illusive Man tapped his cigarette on the edge of his ashtray. "We needed information on the Omega 4 relay. That required direct access to Collector data. It was too good an opportunity to pass up."

"That's fine for you to say. Your ass wasn't on the line."

"I put you at risk, yes, but without that information we don't reach the Collector homeworld. And you and every other human may as well be dead. It was a trap, but I was confident in your abilities. And don't forget EDI. The Collectors couldn't have anticipated her."

He had to admit that he was a little grateful for EDI but that didn't change what had happened. "Why is it that you seem so intent on getting me killed? You could have just told me your plan."

"I needed the Collectors to believe they had the upper hand. Telling you could have tipped them off in any number of ways. Besides, I wouldn't have sent you in if I didn't think you could succeed."

Shepard folded his arms. Was the Illusive Man really trying something as low as flattery? "Never again. Understand? You don't risk me, you don't risk my ship, and you never risk my crew. I need to know what's going on at all times."

"It's never that simple. You of all people should know that."

"I know that I'll be a lot more careful with you," Shepard said and brought up his Omni-tool and cut the line to the Illusive Man. He expected ramifications of effectively slamming the phone down on his boss but he wasn't prepared to talk to the smug bastard anymore. Any other information he had he could send through EDI or Miranda.

Shepard ran his hand over his hair. It was growing back – slowly. He ached, his legs burning and that uncomfortable feeling of hunger churning in his stomach. But first he wanted a shower.

* * *

Joker felt himself falling, flung backwards into darkness. His head cracked against metal, the wind thrown from his chest. Stars rained down in front of him as he spun backwards, his hand outstretched. Just a few more inches. His fingertips grazed gloved hands until gravity ripped him away, a vacuum of emptiness surrounding his body.

"Shepard!" He sat bolt upright. Darkness. He put his hand to his chest, his eyes burning, shoulder aching.

"Joker…?"

He looked over. Kelly was sitting up now, the lamp next to her bed switched on.

"Nothing…it's nothing. Sorry."

"It sounded like a dream."

"It's nothing!" he said a little too loudly and heard grumbling from another bunk. Joker threw the blanket off him and slipped out of bed, his feet touching the cold floor. It was grounding. "I gotta take a piss," he said. It would be enough to stop Kelly from following him.

He hadn't had a dream like that in so long; vivid, clear, the taste of ash in his mouth, the smell of burning wires and electrics. He'd almost lost Shepard today. It had been too close aboard the Collector ship. Seconds. Just like last time.

He left the room but bypassed the bathrooms, instead heading for Starboard Observation. He waved his hand at the panel and the doors slid open.

"Shepard…?"

The Starboard Observation was empty except for Shepard. The Commander stood in front of the window, his hand pressed against the glass as the stars shimmered in front of him. He hung his head, his hand sliding down the glass.

"It's really late. What are you doing awake?" Joker asked, standing at the doorway. The doors beeped and he stepped inside, letting them close behind him. EDI had informed him that after eating Shepard had pretty much passed out in his quarters, and Joker certainly wasn't going to be the one to wake him. He deserved the rest. Except now, he wasn't resting.

Shepard's shoulders shook. "I can still remember it. Falling… Gravity pulling me amongst the ruins of the _Normandy_. I don't want to be afraid of stars." He stared out the window. "I haven't thought about it… I guess today, what with the Collectors and that ship...it just brought memories to the surface."

"…what's it like?" Joker asked. Perhaps stupid, but curiosity got the better of him. How many people could say they remembered dying?

"Nothing. Emptiness. It didn't hurt." Shepard leaned forward, pressing his forehead to the glass, his arm above his head. "I heard you calling my name."

"I hear it all the time," Joker said. He walked over and rested his back against the glass. "See you falling… Can see the _Normandy_ in pieces. And I can't reach you." He rubbed his hand carefully, his fingertips burning. "I almost had you."

He had been so close. He brought his hand up to stare at his fingers, as if the feeling was physically scarred onto his flesh. But they were clean.

"Then today… Shit. It was like going through that all again. That ship – the same damn ship! I just thought it was going to be the same all over again. Except you promised me that you were coming back. You promised."

Shepard pushed away from the glass. "When I remember what happened all I can hear is your voice. I wanted to stop you calling my name. I can _always_ hear you calling my name. It hurts," Shepard said.

"I watched you die!"

"I didn't want you to miss me."

Joker growled and looked up, pushing away from the window. "Of course I bloody missed you! All the time I missed you! You were right there and I let you go. I could almost imagine you sitting next to me in the shuttle. It's my fault. You died because I couldn't let go."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is! I just had to follow an order—"

"And kill everyone else in the process. None of us would have made it. You kept the _Normandy_ together, kept the Collectors off the pods."

"What the fuck would it have mattered? I lost you! I killed you." Too long. Too long to keep that bottled up. Joker felt his shoulders slump and he leaned against the glass again. "So close… Two years, Tris. Two years you were gone and for most of that time I thought I'd never see you again."

"Do you resent me for dying?"

"No…yes… Shit, that's not what I mean. I just…" He thumped his hand against the glass. "I needed you. Everything fell apart without you."

"So you do resent me?"

"God, stop analysing. I just… I resent having lost time. I resent what I missed and what I didn't do and I'm fucking mad that I fell to pieces without you and just sat and stared at everything I could find that had your picture, just so I could remember what you looked like alive." He shoved the heel of his hand against his eye. "And every time I close my eyes I see you falling away from me and feel guilty all over again."

Joker inhaled sharply as he was drawn against Shepard's chest, arms closing around his back and holding him close. He felt tears burning the back of his eyes, so he closed them and fell quiet, listening to the steady sound of Shepard's breath. He breathed in and Shepard's smell overwhelmed him; soap, the faint odour of eezo, musk and something that was so solely _Shepard_ that he couldn't think of a better way to describe it.

"I always wondered…" Shepard started. He ran one hand into Joker's hair. "What it would be like. Not dying…but after. If anyone would miss _me_."

"I missed you every day, you idiot. I killed you."

"No you didn't."

"Just be angry with me. I killed you."

"No, you didn't," Shepard repeated. "I got to save you. I do all this for the people I care about. If I hadn't gone back for you…well, I may as well quit now."

Joker curled his fingers into Shepard's shirt, clenching his jaw in an attempt to stem the tidal wave of tears he'd held onto all this time. He hated crying. He didn't allow himself to cry. "I didn't want to live."

"Yeah, I know. I'm glad you did. I can't do this without you."

Joker looked up and pushed him away until he was at arm's length. "You don't need me. I'm just your pilot."

"You're my sanity. When the stars are wheeling away from me, I can see you and pull myself back. When I can't find myself in the dark, I hear you and come back. I can still hear you calling." He tapped his ear. "Because you were calling _me_."

The fretful feeling in his stomach multiplied. Suck it up. Fight your pride, your arrogance, your fear. If he just jumped, what's the worst that could happen? He'd almost lost Shepard again today. If they all died tomorrow, what difference would it make?

"Why aren't you scared?" he asked.

Shepard stared at him and was silent. The slight quirk of his lips, the twitch of his cheek and furrow of his brow all meant he was thinking. He took an unsteady breath. "I'm not perfect, Jeff. Of course I'm scared."

Joker understood. They weren't talking about the destruction of the _Normandy_ anymore, or the Collectors, or death or anything else. That was in the past, distant. What time they'd lost, what had happened – with Kaidan, with Cerberus – all seemed unimportant. This was like back at the start; a rewind, a do-over, another chance to perhaps get something right.

He wanted to get this right.

Joker stepped forward and closed the distance between them, pressing their bodies together. Who moved first wasn't important, just that their lips met in the middle against the backdrop of stars.


	21. We're All a Little Blind

Joker let out a shuddered breath and opened his eyes.

Shit…

His heart was racing in his chest. He felt too hot in his t-shirt. An uncomfortable bead of sweat ran down the back of his neck and his leg ached from standing. He took a step back, wanting to put just a little room between him and Shepard. His knee buckled under him and he felt himself slip backwards and the pain of landing on the ground.

"Joker!"

"Ah…shit, shit… Goddamn. Real smooth, Joker…" he muttered.

"Are you okay? Did you break anything?" Shepard knelt; his knee was placed between Joker's, his hand reaching forward cautiously. "Do I need to get Chakwas?"

No breakage. He'd be in a hell of a lot more pain if he'd broken anything. Y'know the old adage, try to land on a large, fleshy area when falling – his arse apparently took the brunt of the fall. "No. Unless you count my pride. Pretty sure that's shattered into pieces."

Shepard sighed in relief. "God, way to scare me though."

Joker gulped as Shepard pressed his hand to his cheek, running his thumb over his skin. He felt so dumb just sitting here but he'd never really thought _past_ this. Why think over something that was never going to happen, right? Yet…here he was.

"I thought I'd scared you," Shepard said and he looked away but didn't remove his hand from Joker's cheek. "I should have asked. I apologize. That was rude."

"Asked to kiss me? That's way unromantic, Commander."

"We're back to 'Commander', are we?"

"I dunno, are we back to 'Joker' now?"

They stared at each other for a moment before laughing nervously. Shepard withdrew his hand, rubbing the back of his neck instead.

"Didn't know you wanted romance," Shepard said. "Should I bring you some flowers?"

"Hell no, I'm not putting any stinky flowers in my cockpit. You want to buy me a present you can get me a…errm…well, I don't really want anything. How about a beer?"

"Beer I can do. You're not sick of beer? Besides, it's not very romantic."

"Well I don't like wine."

Shepard sat back on the ground to mirror his position. His bare feet twitched, one still settled between Joker's knees. It was obvious that neither of them knew what to say and for the first time in a very long time the silence hung uncomfortably in the room. Shepard was scratching at his hairline, staring at the ground next to him.

"So…" Joker started. Not that he really knew where he was going with it, but he didn't know where he was going with any of this.

Goddamn, he wished he'd thought this through.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make this uncomfortable."

"You're talking like I had no part in this. I'm pretty sure I kissed you."

Shepard looked up at him. "That's funny, because I'm pretty sure I kissed you."

"So we're going to argue over who kissed who first? Should I ask EDI for a blow by blow? Because I gotta say, that's just gonna be awkward."

"Let's just leave EDI and Cerberus out of this." Shepard ran his tongue back and forth over the scar on his lip and Joker internally berated himself for watching him.

"I'm just saying…" Shepard began again, but it took him a moment. Gathering thoughts seemed especially difficult right now. "It's not fair of me to force something on you that you don't want."

"What the hell gave you the impression that I don't want it? You're not exactly pinning me down here and stealing my womanly chasteness."

Shepard laughed and shook his head. "That's not what I mean. But I'm your friend, and your Commanding Officer, I don't want you to think that you're somehow…forced."

Joker raised his eyebrow. Shepard couldn't be serious. _That_ was what he was worried about? "You can't change the rules half way through and decide that suddenly you being my CO actually matters to you, Tris. You and I both know that's a damn lie. You're not forcing me and I don't feel obligated; I'm not being coerced or bullied or intimidated or any other word you can think of."

"But Kaidan—"

"Do I _look_ like Kaidan? I don't really have that dark, broody thing going on. C'mon, next you'll be telling me you're worried you're going to hurt me because I'm a cripple. Are you trying to take it back because I'm not really—" Joker paused as Shepard's hand came to rest over his mouth. He stared at the Commander. His blue eyes were searching him, confused, maybe worried? It was hard to tell.

"Be quiet for a minute, would you?" Shepard said and Joker narrowed his eyes. "Yeah, I know, difficult for you. What would you do if you couldn't fill silence with your chatter and jokes? But just…shut up. Jeff, you are incredibly important to me."

Shepard's voice trembled slightly and he swallowed. Joker could see the rise and fall off his Adam's apple.

"I don't want to fuck this up." He lowered his hand slowly. "I need you. As my friend, as my pilot, as whatever you want. If you just want to be friends then I can pretend this never happened. But I don't want to just be friends."

Sometimes watching Shepard made his heart ache. He could be so sweet and stupid. Maybe this is what Kelly had been talking about because right now he just wanted to hug Shepard and pat him on the head and tell him everything would be okay. "Tris, I haven't wanted to be just friends for a pretty long time."

Shepard leaned forward and placed his fingers underneath Joker's chin and he really had no choice but to follow. He let Shepard lean over him and smiled at the innocent press of lips against his. Maybe it wasn't perfect but he hadn't really thought much about what 'perfect' would be like. So maybe this was perfect and he just hadn't realized it yet. Of course, far be it from him to figuratively sit around – not literally, because all he really did was sit around – and do nothing. Just because Jeff Moreau didn't get much action did not mean he didn't know what he was doing. He reached up and placed his hand on the back of Shepard's neck and pulled him closer and apparently that was _all_ the incentive he needed. Tris brushed his tongue against Joker's lips and his hand pressed against his waist, fingers just touching against bare flesh under the hemline of his shirt.

Tristan Shepard knew exactly what he was doing.

They were sitting in the middle of Starboard Observation in the middle of the damn night necking like damn teenagers and Joker had to curse his body's _very_ teenage response, but damn, it had been a while. Everything was this pleasant fuzz; the feel of Shepard's fingers against his skin, lips against his, his smell in the air around him, his taste. God, his taste…that wasn't going to get old anytime soon.

He felt a flare of heat at his side and his nerves pulsed. He couldn't help the involuntary jump he gave and the small grunt of surprise.

"Sorry… A little carried away."

Joker knew he was breathing too hard. Were his cheeks red? They felt hot. Should he say something? God…he really was acting like a nervous teenager. "It's fine…just surprised. It's a, ermm…interesting feeling."

"It gets better," Shepard said and grinned.

Joker swallowed. He really wished that Kaidan had never told him about _that night_ in the bar because it all came rushing back to him now and his mind was imagining exactly what Shepard could do with his talents. The other, perhaps more sensible part of his mind repeated that they were in the middle of Starboard Observation. "Maybe we should… Uhhh, not here? Later." He mentally kicked himself because all he really wanted was for Shepard to kiss him again. "It's gonna sound cliché but it's late and you have to get up in the morning and I can't believe I just said that… What's wrong with me?"

Shepard smiled. "You have a point, though. I hear the Helmsman gets pretty antsy when people don't show up for their shift on the bridge and this bucket ain't gonna fly herself."

"Did you just call my baby a _bucket?_ "

"In the nicest possible way," Shepard said. He ran his thumb over Joker's bottom lip and grinned again.

And Joker's heart melted. Oh god…he was going to turn into one of _them_. The soppy, horrible romantic sort. Next he'd be discussing romance novels with Kasumi or giggling in engineering with Tali. No, think manly thoughts. Spaceships. Spaceships were manly.

"Good night, Jeff," Shepard said. He slowly stood and winced as his shoulder cracked. "You…uhh…right there? Do you need help getting up?"

Joker frowned. "Please. I fell here, I get myself up. You know that. I'm good. I'm just going to chill out here. Me and the floor."

Shepard held up his hand. "Just checking. Enjoy your floor." He smiled and took a couple steps backwards, hesitant to leave. He was almost adorably awkward, wringing his hands together before finally nodding and leaving the room.

Joker sighed as the doors slid closed. What had just happened? He brushed his hand over his head and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around his knees. He, Jeff Moreau, had just been kissing Commander Tristan Shepard. Captain of the _Normandy,_ saviour of the Citadel, first human Spectre – _that_ Shepard. He smiled – hell, he grinned, his cheeks aching.

But his mind did settle again on the uncomfortable thought of what the hell he was supposed to do now. Even in his wildest fantasies he'd pretty much gotten up to the point of throwing himself at Shepard and yeah, maybe his dreams had wandered a few times to some pretty incredible dream-sex, but a relationship? That's what this was turning into, right? Tris wasn't the type to have casual flings, especially with friends. Shepard wanted more and yeah, he did too, but…

In his secluded life he'd never really thought about relationships or even the possibility of relationships. There had been women before, but most just weren't prepared to throw their lot in with a sarcastic, snarky cripple. When it came to a relationship he didn't even know where to begin.

* * *

"The Reapers and Collectors use a sophisticated Identify Friend or Foe system that allows them to travel through the Omega 4 relay. Without one, we would probably be destroyed as soon as we attempted to activate the relay," Miranda said. She ran her hand over the console and brought up an image of the device. "We need to find one."

"We could have picked one up while we were on the Collector Ship. Anyone ever thought of that?" Shepard asked and leaned against the bench.

"EDI only just confirmed this information. Besides, there wouldn't have been time. You barely made it off the Collector vessel, Commander."

Jack snarled. "Yeah right. We could have gotten it for you. Cerberus just enjoys jerking us around."

Shepard couldn't help but agree in this situation. "Well…what do we do now?"

"We have options," Miranda said. She brought up another screen. "We recently discovered this."

A Reaper.

"It's in our space?" Tali asked.

"It's a derelict. Possibly over 37 millions years old. It's trapped in the gravity field of a brown dwarf star. The Reaper has a mass effect field that keeps it in orbit – probably an automated response to heavy damage. It's stable."

"But dangerous," Tali said. "Going aboard a ship that old… The slightest disturbance could damage the mass effect field and it would be pulled into the brown dwarf."

"Sounds like fun," Garrus said and thumped Shepard on the back.

"Cerberus lost contact with the science team aboard, so we can only expect the worst," Jacob said and folded his arms. "Dr Chandana was supposed to report in anything they found."

"EDI, you sure this IFF is going to work? There's not some special Reaper code or colour coded paint or some other crap that's going to stop us from being burned up in the relay?"

"My analysis is correct, Shepard. I have also determined the approximate location of the Collector home world based on information from their vessel."

The screen blinked to a picture of the galaxy map. The reticule moved to the exact centre.

"Bullshit…" Shepard said.

"There can't be anything there!" Tali said and leaned forward. The galaxy map reflected on her visor. "That can't be right."

"EDI doesn't make mistakes," Miranda said. "The Collector home world is located at the galactic core."

"The core is just black holes… There's nothing there," Garrus said. "Nothing could survive."

"Could be artificial construction. Space station protected by powerful mass effect fields and radiation shields," Mordin said from the back of the room. He'd been silent until now, his fingers against his chin in thought. "Very possible. Very dangerous. Reapers have this technology? Logical."

"No wonder no one's ever returned from the Omega 4 relay," Shepard said.

"The logical conclusion is that a small safe zone exists on the far side of the relay. A region where ships can survive. Standard relay transit protocols would not allow safe transport. Drift of several thousands kilometres is common and would be fatal in the galactic core. The Reaper IFF must trigger the relay to use more advanced, encrypted protocols."

They didn't have just any pilot, though. Shepard smirked. "We'll be fine. But I don't want to be diving into anything without being ready. We've got a lot of work to do until then. The _Normandy_ needs upgrades and I've got a lot of things to follow up. The Collectors and Reapers aren't going anywhere just yet. They'll probably be thinking they've got us on the run after yesterday."

"Why wait?" Jacob asked and shrugged. "They won't be expecting an attack."

"Probably, but we barely got away from the Collector vessel. I don't want to take that sort of chance again. A Reaper IFF ain't gonna do us much good if we're dead."

"It's your call, Commander. Whatever you decide, we're with you."

Mordin nodded and he and Jacob left.

"You call me when you need me, Shepard," Jack said. "Could use a little excitement." She glared at Miranda as she left.

"And here I was thinking that you were done with suicide missions," Tali said. "This is very dangerous."

"Ah, Tals, no sweat. You know me. We'll go in, guns blazing, find the IFF and Joker will have us outta there before the Collectors even know what's happening."

Tali nodded but didn't seem convinced. "Just be careful, Shepard."

He touched her arm as she left and she briefly paused to touch her fingers to his before leaving the room.

"Tali's right," Garrus said.

Miranda leant against the console. "There's no other way to do this. We need one of the IFF devices if we want to travel through the relay."

"I know that, but it doesn't stop it from being dangerous. And what then? We're really going to storm the Collector base?"

"Looks like it," Shepard said. There really wasn't anything else they could do. The Collectors weren't going to stop attacking colonies, and they were gearing up for a full assault on Earth. Even if they all died in the process, taking the Collectors down was a worthy cause.

Though he really hoped it wouldn't come down to that.

"Shepard, please come see me when you're available," Miranda said and pushed away from the console. "We have a lot to discuss."

Garrus watched her leave before turning to Shepard. "Now that they're gone…I've got a little situation I'd like to go deal with. We're just outside the Citadel so if we've got time…"

"Situation? Is this like the last situation you wanted to deal with?"

Garrus gave a short laugh. "A little. I guess I do come to you like this a lot."

"Garrus…I'm not about to let you run off and deal with things by yourself. We're in this together."

"You don't understand…" Garrus turned and paced to the door and back, as if weighing up whether to just leave. "I didn't tell you about why I was on Omega."

"With the name 'Archangel' I figured your vigilante status had become a little more serious than the usual."

Garrus huffed out a small laugh. "Not a name I gave myself. I'm not that pretentious." He walked back over and stopped to lean against the counter. "Mercenary work opened my eyes. There were twelve of us. Former military agents, C-Sec agents, the usual. My tech expert was a batarian, believe it or not."

Shepard wrinkled his nose at the thought and looked at the ground. He knew he shouldn't continue to hold old grudges, and not everyone could be painted with the same brush, but it was hard to put aside the memories of an entire colony being tortured…killed…

"I know. He wasn't the friendliest guy, but he could hack any system ever built. Omega… You saw Omega. Full of thugs kicking the helpless. I formed a team to kick back. We weren't really mercenaries. No one paid us."

"I assume that's where the trouble started. You couldn't have been a popular guy."

"I got three separate merc bands working together to take me down. My manager at C-Sec would have been proud." Garrus stood again and walked past Shepard, his hands behind his back. "We'd do all we could to get under their skin, make them angry. They'd come charging right into our well-prepared kill-zone. Crossfire and snipers. They never stood a chance."

"If it was so well planned how'd those mercenary bands take down your team?"

Garrus looked away and turned to face the wall. "It was my own damn fault. This is where you come in, I guess. One of my team betrayed me. A turian named Sidonis. He drew me away just before the mercs attacked my squad, then he disappeared. Everyone except me is dead because of him, and I didn't even see it coming."

"You couldn't have known."

"Yeah." But it was obvious Garrus wasn't listening and wouldn't listen to advice or accept any sympathy. "Sidonis asked for my help on a job. When I got to the meeting point, no one was there. When I got back to our hideout the mercs had killed all but two of my squad. They didn't last long either. Sidonis booked a transport off Omega just before the attack. He cleared out his private accounts before he left. He sold me out and ran. I lost my whole team."

"So I'm guessing this little stop on the Citadel is to deal with Sidonis?"

"I found a lead on him. There's a specialist on the Citadel. An expert on helping people disappear. Sidonis was seen with him. You humans have a saying 'an eye for an eye'. A life for a life. Sidonis owes me ten lives."

"We also have a saying; 'an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind'."

"I'm not asking you to agree with what I'm doing, Shepard. You can either help me or I go on my own. Sidonis betrayed me and I plan to make him pay for it."

Shepard folded his arms. Vengeance never got anyone anywhere, but he had to try to think about this from Garrus' point of view. If it had been his whole squad that had been taken down he'd want the person responsible to pay. How could he judge Garrus harshly when his reaction was the norm?

"I'll go with you. You and me, Garrus. Brothers, right?" He held out his hand to Garrus.

Garrus turned. He nodded and took Shepard's hand. "Brothers."

* * *

Vengeance.

And eye for an eye. A tooth for a tooth. A life for a life.

Shepard looked at Garrus and found that he felt sad for him. He pitied him. He was lost in this. He'd known Garrus for a while now – he'd been one of the first to join him on the hunt for Saren. He'd never doubted the turian before but he'd always watched him. Garrus had the potential to become a liability, to snap and endanger a mission, all because of his views. He didn't like protocol, hated red tape, and liked to get things done his way. Shepard had tried to reign him in, tried to show him that sometimes regulations and laws were there for a reason, and while they could be bent they should seldom be broken, but he'd always felt Garrus never really understood.

It made him question his own motives. Was he too disciplined? Had the Alliance beaten regulations and protocol into him until he'd become a mindless drone? He didn't think he had but having someone like Garrus question everything he believed in sometimes made him wonder.

He wasn't big on protocol, but he believed rules were there for a reason. Rules weren't arbitrary things designed to get in the way. Yes, some rules were stupid and go ahead, break them, but others were there for the benefit of everyone. You don't torture or humiliate prisoners, you don't slaughter civilians, you don't shoot an unarmed man. They were less rules and more moral standards.

Now, looking at Garrus, he had to wonder if the turian had completely lost his way.

"Garrus, that's enough." He held his hand up in front of Garrus' chest. The turian looked at him and sneered but it was good to see he still listened to reason. He removed his foot from Harkin's neck and took a step back.

"Terminus really changed you, huh, Garrus?" Harkin said. He rubbed at his neck and crawled to his knees.

"Sidonis opened my eyes. Arrange a meeting."

Harkin stood slowly and Garrus motioned to the comm terminal. As Harkin made the transmission to Sidonis, Garrus pulled his gun, turning it over in his hand.

"He'll meet you in front of Orbital Lounge. Middle of the day. So…I'll just be going?"

Garrus grabbed his collar and dragged him forward to eye level. "I don't think so. You're a criminal now, Harkin."

"So you're gonna kill me? That's not your style, Garrus."

They stared at each other. Both stubborn, both filled with hate. But Garrus let him go. He took a step back and raised his pistol. "Kill you? No…that's not my style."

"And we'll be leaving you for C-Sec. Isn't that right, Garrus?" Shepard said. He put on the tone that he knew Garrus would listen to – he was the Commander, he was in charge, and Garrus would toe the line.

Garrus looked at him and his blue eyes were full of ice. Garrus had never looked at him like that before, but he'd also never had to assert his authority like this over the turian.

"Guess it's your lucky day, Harkin. I was going to shoot you." Garrus lunged and cracked his head against Harkin's. Harkin cried in agony and fell to the ground, clutching at his bleeding skull.

"I didn't shoot him," Garrus said and followed Shepard out of the room.

Shepard couldn't help a small smirk. Garrus would always be Garrus, even if he did need to be pulled into line occasionally. They'd be alright.

They took a shuttle to the meeting point. Garrus was quiet most of the way, lost in his own thoughts. Shepard still didn't know what was going to happen but he knew better than to try to talk Garrus out of this. Maybe Sidonis did deserve to die for what he'd done – he didn't know – but he would help Garrus if this is what he wanted to do.

"Thanks for helping me with this, Shepard," Garrus said when the shuttle landed.

"I've got your back, Garrus."

"I can get a clear shot from over there," Garrus said and pointed to a position that looked over the foyer. "I need time to set up."

"And I'm to do?"

"Keep him talking and don't get in my way. Simple."

"Yeah. Simple."

Garrus nodded and left to take his position and Shepard spotted who he could only assume was Sidonis sitting on a bench across the foyer.

" _That's him,"_ Garrus said. Suspicions confirmed. _"Just keep him talking."_

Sidonis looked up and Shepard gestured him over. The guy wasn't expecting a thing, but he was on edge. He walked over and looked Shepard up and down. "Harkin sent you? Let's get this over with."

" _Move to the side. You're in my way,"_ Garrus said over the comms.

Shepard looked at Sidonis. He was tense, his eyes shifting back and forth to look around him. He had screwed Garrus and his team, taken his money and made a run for it when it all became too much, but Garrus didn't have the right to play executioner. He'd hate himself for it later. Killing Sidonis wasn't going to bring his team back and it wasn't going to make him feel better.

"Sidonis, don't move. You're probably not going to believe me but I'm trying to help you. If you move, you're going to get a bullet through the brain."

Sidonis' eyes went wide and he frantically looked around but didn't move an inch.

" _Dammit, Shepard! Move!"_

"You're not kidding…are you?" Sidonis asked. "I'm not sticking around here."

"You idiot. Don't move." Shepard grabbed his arm and pulled him back when he tried to leave. "I'm the only thing between you and a bleeding hole in your skull. God, you're thick."

Sidonis looked around again, obviously trying to find the assassin.

"Just…tell me why you betrayed Garrus."

"You're here for Garrus?"

"Garrus is one of my best friends. He thinks he has to kill you to make it even. I'm not so much into the killing but if you don't give me some sort of information to please him, then he's going to shoot you, understand?"

Sidonis threw his hands up. "I didn't want to do it! I didn't have a choice. They got to me. Said they'd kill me if I didn't help. What was I supposed to do?"

" _Let me take the shot. He's a damn coward!"_

"So you were just trying to save yourself?" Shepard asked. Sidonis moved and Shepard followed, keeping himself in the way of Garrus' shot.

"I know what I did. I know they died because of me. I have to live with that. I wake up every night…sick…sweating. Each of their faces staring at me…accusing me. I'm already a dead man. I don't sleep…food has no taste. Some days I just want it to be over."

Shepard looked at Sidonis. He was right – he was a dead man. This was a fate worse than death. If he had felt nothing, if this really had just been for the money or for fear of his own safety, Shepard might have let Garrus take the shot, but Sidonis felt guilty and knew what he did was wrong. He would have to live with that and hopefully try to atone.

Shepard touched his hand to his comm piece behind his ear. "Garrus…let it go. Look at him. This is worse than anything you could do to him. Don't hurt yourself more by doing this."

" _He still has his life! My men…they deserved better."_

"Yeah, they did. But you were their leader and they wouldn't want this to destroy you, too."

"Tell Garrus… I guess there's nothing I can say to make it right." Sidonis sighed.

There was silence at the other end of the comms. Shepard had to make a choice. He'd done what he could and this was up to Garrus now. He stepped back away from Sidonis and cleared the line of sight.

And waited.

Nothing.

" _Just…go. Tell him to go."_

Shepard breathed out the air he didn't know he'd been holding up until that point. His heart slowed in his chest. "Sidonis, he's giving you a second chance. Don't fuck it up. Get outta here."

Sidonis nodded but said nothing. He was shaking.

Shepard met Garrus back at the shuttle. He looked furious, holding back whatever it was he wanted to say.

"Garrus—"

"I don't want to talk about this, Shepard. Not yet."

"I know this isn't what you had in mind, but trust me, this is for the best."

"I'm not so sure. Maybe time will be enough. I want to know I did the right thing…not for me, but for my men. They deserve to be avenged, but when Sidonis was in my sights…I just couldn't do it."

"An eye for an eye, remember? You're not blind, Garrus."

Garrus nodded. "I could see the good still left in him. Damn…it's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray? I don't know what to do with gray."

"Never mind gray; the universe is a fuckin' rainbow. Don't be too hard on yourself." He patted Garrus on the arm and gestured to the shuttle.

Garrus nodded. "Thanks, Shepard. For everything."

* * *

Shepard hovered in the mess hall, not really sure of what to do with himself. He didn't want to admit it but the situation with Garrus had gotten to him more than he expected. Now that he had some of his old crew back, the possibility of someone betraying them and putting them all at risk was very real. Any one of his new crew, a Cerberus agent, they could sell them out. Turn them over to the Collectors and they'd never see it coming. If he survived, he would hunt that person down too. Just like Garrus he would be filled with rage, a need for vengeance and forever live with the knowledge that he had brought the traitor into their midst.

He sat down at the table and put his head in his hands. His stomach was squeezing with hunger but, like a lot of the time, he just couldn't bring himself to eat anything. Eating seemed like a chore.

"Commander?"

Shepard looked up at Miranda. "Yeah?"

"Is there something wrong?"

He couldn't decide whether she actually cared or it was a question out of habit and duty. Her tone was so hard to read sometimes. "Fine. Just…" He couldn't think of a good reason why he was here.

"Could you join me in my office?" she asked.

He had no reason not to so he stood and followed her, watching her boots tap against the floor as she walked. Miranda sat down at her desk and gestured to the chair. Shepard remained standing – he was too restless to sit and be comfortable.

"I've been meaning to thank you," she said. "You put time aside to help me and Oriana."

"You never told me whether you spoke to her."

Miranda bowed her head. "She has what I wanted her to have. A normal life and the freedom to choose her own path. And she knows she has an older sister."

Shepard smiled. "I knew you'd do the right thing. Are you going to stay in touch?"

"I honestly don't know. For once I haven't planned that far ahead. I'll deal with it after all this is done. I need to focus and she needs time to adjust."

"What did you end up saying to her?" he asked. "Must have been a difficult icebreaker."

Miranda stood and walked over to the window. Docked at the Citadel there wasn't much to see except the docking bay and what they could see of the light of the Widow behind them. "I introduced myself. Her family was shocked, but she adjusted quickly, of course. She's as smart as I am. She's really funny – something we _don't_ share." Miranda smiled and pushed a lock of hair away from her face.

"It's really nice to see you smile like that," Shepard said. "You put up a front that pushes people away…but you're under there."

Miranda turned and looked at him. She walked over and placed her hand on his arm. "The mission is too important to let personal feelings get in the way." She trailed her hand down his arm and then let it slip away. "But thank you again, Commander. My sister is safe again. I won't forget that."

Shepard nodded and left. Personal feelings…

After Mindoir, Akuze…he would have had every right to be just like Miranda. Closed off, isolated from others, keeping his heart in check lest he get close to anyone. But he didn't want to be like that. He'd been taught differently. After Mindoir when the Alliance led him away they made him feel like he had a place to belong, after Akuze he had been welcomed home, after the final fight with Saren he had been drawn into the arms of friends. His whole reason for doing this, for picking himself back up and continuing, was for the people around him. He wanted Garrus to feel like he had someone who would always be there for him, he wanted to one day give Tali a home, he wanted Joker…

To be happy.

Truthfully, he hadn't thought much about this. He had felt it, maybe he'd always felt it? The pull towards Joker, like a star's gravity. He's always felt so comfortable around him. There had never been any awkwardness, fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, and it had been so easy to let Joker close to him, to pour out his emotions, his fears, onto his unsuspecting pilot. But Joker had always accepted it, let him talk, let him be close, gave him what he needed.

How long had Joker felt the same pull of gravitation?

It was probably inevitable that they would collide. He just never saw it coming. Not until he felt the snap of electricity between them, like a jolt through his heart and his head that screamed _wake up!_

He made his way up to the CIC. A couple Cerberus officers saluted him as he walked past and he nodded at them as he made his way to the bridge.

The world, the universe, humanity – it was all just a giant amorphous blob unless you _knew_ someone, _cared_ for someone. That's what made heroes. They protected people they cared about, people they loved.

He stopped behind Joker's chair on the bridge, watching briefly as the pilot tapped away at his console, deep in thought. He smirked and spun Joker's chair around to face him.

"Hey! God—Shepard?"

Shepard smirked. He didn't care who was here. He didn't care who saw or who said what. He reached over and took the cap off Joker's head, dropping it in his lap, and then leaned down and kissed him.

The people he loved – that's who he was fighting for and damned if anyone would tell him to put those feelings aside.

"How's shift?" Shepard pulled away slightly and asked.

Joker stared at him, his eyes wide, his lips still parted in an almost endearingly confused way. "Uh, well, a lot better now," he said.

"Good," Shepard said and leant forward, pressing his forehead to Joker's and closing his eyes.

He smiled when he felt Joker's arm loop around his neck and hold him closer.


	22. Gone Drinkin'

"Got a present for you, Doc," Shepard said and held up the bottle. "Had to go all over the Citadel to find this. Popular stuff, apparently."

"Serrice Ice Brandy… My, my, what do I owe the thought?"

Shepard shrugged and handed her the bottle. "You know me, Doc. Can't help myself when it comes to a scavenger hunt. The kids in engineering have me looking for some FBA couplings, too."

Chakwas smiled and touched her hand to the bottle's label. "I always regretted not opening that original bottle. I won't make the same mistake again. Let's open this one right now – you and me. I hear we may even have something to drink to."

Shepard shook his head and smirked. "Can't keep the wool pulled over your eyes. You crack the bottle, I'll get some glasses."

He headed out into the mess hall and grabbed two glasses from the cabinet. Gardner was cleaning the floor near the steps to the main battery and looked up. He didn't say anything but he smirked and gave him a nod. Shepard nodded back. News got around too damn fast on a ship.

When he came back Chakwas poured him a drink and it was easy to lose themselves to memories. The Ice Brandy was cool, smooth and went down entirely too easily and Chakwas was eager to pour him another glass when he was empty.

He'd always liked Chakwas. She was stern, but kind. She had the kind of bedside manner he wished more doctors had, just firm enough to get a lazy soldier off his ass but empathetic and a warm shoulder to lean on in the darkest of times. She'd put up with enough of his crap over the time they'd known each other, that was for sure.

They spoke about training, bases they'd both been on and ships they'd served on, spoke about people and soldiers they'd known, the lives that were lost and, more importantly, the lives that were saved. But alcohol had a way of turning a party rowdy or morose. He never spent much time here – because, face it, what soldier wanted to spend more time in the infirmary? – but he was beginning to get the feeling that Chakwas deserved more of his attention.

She was lonely.

"As a military doctor I usually treat people who are in bad shape. Often, they die, and if I can help them, they move on. Either way, they leave."

"Don't you have any family, Doc? Friends?"

Her lips pulled back into a small smile. "Not lacking friends, Commander. Just…stability. Jeff… I told you, Jeff will always have Vrolik's Syndrome. He needs my help and he always will. He would never admit it but sadly, it's true."

"And treating him gives you that stability?"

She turned her chair slightly and looked across the med bay. "Jeff… This ship… Even you, Commander. This is my stability and I'd give up everything to keep it."

Shepard took another drink from his glass. Exactly how many had he had now? He didn't really recall.

"Commander… I can trust you with him, but it's not just his bones that are fragile. He cares a great deal for you." She turned her chair to face him. "But he can be bitter, cold… He's lost so much in his life. Losing you and then losing his mother—"

"What? He said his mother was fine!"

"Did he? Oh, Jeff…" Chakwas shook her head. "You know what he is like, Commander. I believe, after the events on the Citadel and then the _Normandy_ being destroyed, everything just became too much. I was so worried for him. But now…he smiles. I can see him changing, but he can be so delicate. Please take care of him."

Shepard ran his finger around the edge of his glass. All he wanted was for Joker to be happy. Whatever that took. But realistically, he needed someone to be there for him, too. He hated that feeling of teetering on the edge of normal and complete chaos and when Joker put his arms around him…it all disappeared. All he felt was warmth and safety and he was sure that Joker would probably laugh if Shepard told him that he made him feel _safe_ , but that's what he felt. Burdening Joker with that knowledge though was probably not the best course of action. After all, Shepard was supposed to be the CO, the Marine, the Spectre and hero – he couldn't expect Joker to shoulder his problems.

* * *

"Oh, come on, you don't think you're getting out of it that easily, do you?" Kasumi asked. Her legs swung back and forth as she sat on the edge of the mess hall table.

"I told you, I refuse to talk to you."

"He's just embarrassed," Garrus said.

"To _any_ of you."

Kasumi sighed dramatically. "You can't just expect us to keep silent over news this big. Kelly saw the Commander kiss you, EDI confirmed it and video feeds triple confirmed it!"

Joker frowned and ignored them, carefully sipping at his cup of coffee. He knew he should have just stayed at his terminal, even if he was off shift. He was never going to live this down. Tris might be comfortable with this, but he was the CO, no one was going to question him. Of course they were going to bring their questions straight to him. Not that he _minded_ , just…it was hard to explain.

"Bet a lot of hearts are going to be broken. Shep is really popular. I even heard Gabby talking about him to Tali, and I was sure she only had eyes for Donnelly."

"Shepard seems to have that effect on women," Garrus said. "Don't understand it myself."

"Well I'm sure Joker can explain," Kasumi said and Joker flinched.

"Guys, come on, just give it a rest would you?" he asked.

"I have to get back to work anyway. Bye, Kasumi." Garrus said as he stood and nodded to her as he left.

Kasumi slipped into his chair across from Joker and leaned forward across the table. "Alright, now you can tell me exactly what happened."

"I'm not telling you anything. You're nosey and it's none of your business."

She rested her hand against her cheek. "I bet it was so romantic. Shep strikes me as the romantic sort. I bet he put his arms around you and pulled you against his strong chest and told you how his star shined only for you, or something to that effect anyway."

Joker pulled on the brim of his cap, annoyed at how almost right Kasumi was in her assumptions. Was there some sort of video feed in Starboard Observation he wasn't aware of?

"Oh gosh, I'm right, aren't I? You're blushing!"

"Keep your damn voice down. Geez…"

Kasumi covered her mouth with her hands and looked around, but at this time of day the mess hall was all but empty. "That's so sweet…" she said as her hands slipped away to her lap. "Ugh…I think I might be falling in love with Shepard, too."

Joker narrowed his eyes and glared at her.

"Oo, sorry, not like that! No need to get jealous. So, you _are_ coming out tonight, aren't you?"

"Hell no."

Kasumi sighed. "Come _on_ , Joker! It's obvious that the Commander wants to ask you to go out with him tonight, but he's such an adorable dork sometimes… You think he cares if any of us come out with him?"

"Of course he cares. Shepard always does things like this. We're at the Citadel, got a bit of down time while the weaponry is upgraded…why wouldn't he ask you all out?"

Kasumi stood. "Okay, if you're sure. But don't you want to go out with him? It would be so romantic. The Citadel, the lights…just like a romance novel."

Joker made a gagging motion.

"Fine! Ugh, men. Enjoy your solitude then, Mr Grumpy."

Joker watched her leave. He wasn't grumpy.

He didn't want to say he was embarrassed. He really didn't. He wasn't _embarrassed_ , but he also couldn't think of a better word for what he was feeling. People kept staring at him and would talk amongst themselves as he passed, Kelly kept smiling at him, and Tali had scuttled away when she saw him and hadn't even said hello! It was like flight school all over again – someone always talking behind his back, laughing behind his back and dammit, he didn't want to be embarrassed by this! He knew that all the attention he was receiving was only because it was big news and eventually it would become old and gossip would turn to the latest scandal but he already had to deal with everyone treading lightly around him because of his disability, this was just compounding a problem already there.

He sighed. This was less about other people and more about himself. His own fears and concerns; scared that rumours and assumptions would ruin all his hard work.

Scared that all of this was a joke at his expense.

Which he _knew_ was ridiculous, but it didn't stop the thought from entering his mind. Hell, it wouldn't be the first time someone had decided to play a practical joke designed purely to humiliate him. Apparently not all parents taught their children that it was bad manners to tease the crippled kid.

He stood and went to tip out the rest of his coffee in the sink. He wasn't drinking it anyway and it was the awful sludge from the processor – throwing it out was the kindest fate it could hope for. He went to make his way to the crew quarters where he planned to spend the rest of the night pretending to sleep, but he heard the doors to the med bay swish open behind him. He paused and turned to say hello to Chakwas, only to see Shepard stumble out.

Shepard waved in Chakwas' _general_ direction and just about slammed into the door. He had to jump aside as they tried to close on him. He looked accusingly at the closed doors as he slowly tipped sideways.

"Geez…" Joker walked over as quickly as he could before his dumb Commander fell on his ass. "Here. Lean against me."

"Joker!"

"Inside voice, Tris. Inside voice."

Shepard sort of stumbled into him and Joker wasn't sure whether he was trying to hug him or just trying to stop himself from falling over. Either way…it was kind of endearing. He had one arm slung around Joker's shoulders and he was still swaying.

"I guess you never learnt not to drink with Chakwas. She's spent her whole career drinking green kids like you under the table," Joker said. "Come on. I'll help you to your cabin."

Shepard really wasn't in any position to argue so he just nodded. It was difficult because, face it, he wasn't exactly sturdy on his own feet at the best of times, but the Commander could still walk so Joker didn't really have to drag him, just keep him on a straight path. He was so glad that Shepard has his own room on his own deck now, too, because he really didn't want to have to explain this one as he dragged him through a crowded crew deck.

"Here you go… Now, no barfing up in bed, take your shoes off and don't swallow your own tongue," Joker said as the doors to the cabin opened.

"Okay… 'm okay," Tris mumbled and slumped into the chair at his desk. "Cerberus upgrades…" He gestured to his stomach and then put his hand to his forehead. "Drinkin'…not so much fun anymore."

"Good reason to lay off, then."

Joker would have left. He really would have. He swore he would have. He was not the type to stand around while a person dealing with the burgeoning of a hangover lamented how much they had to drink. But…

Damn. Tris was rubbing his forehead, his eyes pinched closed. He couldn't just leave.

He hobbled into the bathroom, the pain in his own legs doubled from the strain he'd just put them under, but damned if he would ever admit that. Sure enough there was a glass in the bathroom so he filled it with water from the tap and brought it out. "Here. Drink. Have you eaten?"

Shepard shook his head and took the glass. The water was downed in one go.

"I don't know how those new upgrades of yours work, but I'm pretty sure you still have to eat. Especially if you're going to consume that much alcohol."

"Not hungry. N'ver hungry," Tris slurred. Back to rubbing his head.

Joker looked at him. Did he look thinner? He couldn't really tell. He looked mostly the same since he had come back. He was pale, though – his skin still hadn't tanned much as he was generally covered in head to toe armour. Was he sleeping? He had dark circles under his eyes.

Joker had to pull himself up. What was he doing? He wasn't the Commander's mother. He could look after himself. Whether he ate, or slept, or took his vitamins was not his concern. Was it?

"I'm just gonna…y'know, go," he said and took a step backwards.

Shepard raised his hand and held it out to Joker.

"Asking me to stay?" Joker sighed. "Well, I mean, with such a plea, how can I say no? So verbose and heartfelt, I'm just full of sympathy for you and your entirely self-made predicament."

"Joker…"

"Yeah, yeah," Joker said and walked over. He smiled when Shepard put his arms around his waist and rested his head against his stomach. Okay, so maybe he was a sap after all because even the pathetic plea for him to remain was enough to put aside all his previous concerns that he was overstepping some boundaries in caring about Shepard's wellbeing. He ran his fingers over Shepard's hair, the black spikes brushing against his skin. It would be a while until his hair was as long as it was before his death – God, that was still hard to think about – but it was growing.

"Outta all the things to take the fun from…" Shepard said. His head was still buried against Joker's shirt.

"You don't even like getting drunk."

"But occasionally – occasionally! I don't even feel dizzy anymore."

"Then hiding in my shirt is purely for…?"

Shepard was silent for a moment before muttering something Joker couldn't hear.

"Still mumbling into my shirt, Tris."

"…you smell good."

Joker raised an eyebrow in question. "Okay, now I'm really going. Oh my God that's just way too nauseating. You're Commander Tristan Shepard! Spectre!" He struggled out of Shepard's hold and looked down at him. "You're sick, you know that? Big space Marines have no right being…cute."

"Come out with us tonight?"

"Tris…"

"I know it's not your thing but can you just humour me? I promise it will be worth your time."

"You're underestimating my dislike for _socializing_ it seems."

"I'll buy you a beer."

"Well, that's got me convinced. Commander Shepard, you are a master of persuasion."

Shepard hooked one of his fingers into a pocket on Joker's pants and pulled him back. "I'll make it worth your time," he repeated.

Joker gave a small start as Shepard's hand lay flat along his spine and a pleasant tingle ran all the way down to his toes. The very faint smell of eezo met him and he had to steel himself just to stay standing. "You… You need to stop doing that," he said. He could have kicked himself for how much his voice waivered.

"Don't like it?"

"That's not the problem," Joker replied. "Fine. Okay? I'll come out tonight. But you owe me a beer…and possibly strippers."

* * *

If Shepard was still feeling any ill-effects from drinking earlier, he certainly wasn't showing them. Kasumi nudged Joker and grinned at him and only then did he realize he'd been staring.

Ugh. He hated clubs. Why did he let Shepard drag him here?

"Not even any strippers…" he said and slid down further in his seat.

"Oh, don't be so moody. Isn't there something you could be doing to have some fun? Personally, I like the music. Not much for dancing, but watching other people dance is always fun."

"You're just watching Jacob…and he's not even dancing."

"Mm, he doesn't need to be dancing."

Joker took another sip of his beer. He guessed Jacob was attractive. He guessed… He had a good body, at any rate. Kind of _too_ good, though. Surely in between sit-ups, crunches and squats the man probably didn't have much time for a conversation.

That was the thing about Shepard – yeah, he was good looking. He had a kind of suave, dark brooding look about him with his black hair and dark blue eyes, but he was charismatic and kind of a dork, which just made him _charming._ He was capable of having a conversation about anything, was not above telling lame jokes or watching awful vids, and was perfectly happy drinking beer.

"Oh my gosh… That look on your face, Joker! You _are_ smitten."

Joker looked at her, his bottle of beer just about slipping from his hand. "Lay off, Kasumi."

"No way. You were just staring at Shep and the look on your face! What were you thinking about, hmm? What a good body he has? He does, doesn't he? Muscles in all the right places, tall, and damn, that ass—"

"Kasumi!"

"What? A girl can look, can't she? If you'd prefer we can discuss Miranda's breasts."

Joker sighed. "I should've never left the ship."

"But you did!" Kasumi said in this horrible sing-song voice that just made him seethe.

He hated coming out because he was always stuck here, generally alone. As much as he hated to admit it if Kasumi wasn't here he'd probably be entirely alone. Jack and Grunt had hidden themselves at a back table and seemed content to try outdrink each other, Tali was attempting to get Garrus to dance with her and Gabby, much to Donnelly's mirth, Thane and Samara were having a discussion about who knew what and how could they even hear each other over this damn music, and Shepard was chatting to Miranda and Jacob at the bar. Even Chakwas had her own group with Gardner and a couple Cerberus crew members more of _their_ age. And here he was. With Kasumi.

"Don't look so down all the time, Joker."

"I hate clubs."

"Were you always so grumpy?" Kasumi asked. She shuffled over to him and leant closer so that she could hear him above the music.

"Yes."

She sighed and shook her head. "C'mon, Joker. I'm just trying to get to know you."

"Why?"

"I like you. You're fun."

Joker gave her a sidelong glance before taking another drink from his bottle. Fun… Not many people described him as fun. People put up with him, even sometimes got along with him, but never called him 'fun'.

"I'm not grumpy," he said. "I just…" It was difficult to describe. He'd spent his whole life fighting, arguing, putting up a tough exterior, just to get ahead and get what he deserved and what most normal people didn't have to work so hard to earn. He didn't have time to pander to peoples feelings or worry about what people thought of his attitude. If they hated him but respected him, he could deal with that.

Kasumi smiled. "I understand. I don't have many friends either." She clasped her hands together in her lap, looking at the ground. "I always found it difficult to make friends. People found me weird…strange… My grandparents were _very_ old fashioned. Young ladies weren't supposed to be funny or witty. After all, funny girls don't land good husbands! But I had higher aspirations. As I grew up I learned how to be sneaky, quiet… I lied to them all the time, got caught up in all sorts of mischief without them knowing. It was fun and a rush and I never got caught so I would do something bigger, something even more grand to test myself…test them. I don't know…maybe they knew but they just never said anything?"

"So you started nicking things? Most teenagers drink or have sex, y'know. Maybe you could've tried that."

Kasumi smirked. "Oh, I did that too! But everyone was doing that. I never did anything illegal…well, not _too_ illegal. I learnt how to hack systems, bypass locks and generally be a right nuisance but I never did anything that would get me into too much trouble. It was just so exciting I never seemed to realize how deep I had been pulled in."

Joker made a non-committal hum in response. When he was a kid growing up on Arcturus he just remembered the ships. His mom worked long hours and he spent so much time in hospital or in bed he hadn't really had much else to do other than daydream. He'd watched vids, played games, but Arcturus was a major space hub, home of the Fifth Fleet – perhaps it was obvious that he would become enamoured with spaceships. After all, you didn't need working legs to fly a spaceship. It was the ultimate fantasy: poor crippled kid becoming a big space hero. He'd had years to play out his fantasies in his head and by the time he was old enough to go to flight school, it was like his fate was sealed. But it hadn't made it easy.

"Aren't you ever…scared?" Joker asked. He didn't look at her. Honestly, he felt a little stupid talking about it, especially to Kasumi, but a sinking feeling in his stomach almost had him admit that maybe she was a friend. Maybe.

"Of course," Kasumi answered. She toyed with the straw in her ridiculous pink drink in the giant, bowl-like glass. "Adrenalin kicks in, though. Endorphins are wonderful things. They make us feel indestructible. I always thought I could rule the world – from the shadows, of course! – until Keiji…"

She leaned back in her seat and looked out across the club. The lights danced across the black fabric of her clothing. "When you're in love, dying suddenly takes on a lot more meaning. You can't imagine being without them. It's even harder to go on without them."

Joker clenched his fingers around his beer bottle until they turned white. "I know."

"I miss him, Joker."

He looked over. In the dark of the club Kasumi's tears reflected the light like stars on her cheeks. Dammit. This was the sort of stuff they should cover in basic: What to do when a Woman is Crying and Other Impossible Situations.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up. That was totally stupid of me. Forget I said anything, or hit me or—"

"Joker. You're an idiot," Kasumi said and wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. "Just give me a hug."

"Oh…hug I can do. Right." He put his beer down and then put his arm around her. Kasumi sighed and leaned against his shoulder.

"You're a little daft, but your heart is definitely in the right place," she said into his ear. "I can see why Shepard loves you."

Joker stared at his beer on the table.

Love.

His heart must have skipped a beat in his chest. He felt dizzy and woozy and terrified. Love…love was too big, too encompassing. He _cared_ about Tris, maybe even felt things people could _describe_ as love and maybe he…maybe.

He sighed and rubbed his free hand against his head, shifting his cap slightly. Maybe, indeed. How was he supposed to know? Did a little light flick on and go 'hey, you're in love – Congratulations!' or did you just _know_? Kasumi seemed to believe that it was so obvious. He had no point of reference, no signs or scans, no manual to refer to; he was flying blind in an unmapped quarter. He just had to trust his gut and his gut was giving him a confused look and a shrug.

But for now he could pretend that he was blissfully unaware of the whole damn thing. He tightened his arm around Kasumi and wished there was something more he could do. But hey, that was pretty much his life.

"Looks like someone else wants your company," Kasumi said. She touched his arm and smiled. The last Joker saw of her was the blink of her Omni-tool and the spectral image of her cloak stabilizing. He felt her leave, though he had no idea where she had gone.

"Something I should know?" Shepard asked.

"Kasumi was… She…" He didn't know what to say. I upset her? She was crying? All sounded like bad options. "It's noisy in here," he settled with finally.

Shepard held his hand out and gestured for Joker to follow him.

He stared at Shepard's hand. Really? They were in the middle of Dark Star, surrounded by their friends and crew and—

Shepard rolled his eyes and grabbed his hand. "Don't tell me you're shy, Joker."

"No!" He grabbed his beer and let Shepard help him to his feet. He'd show him shy! Oh god, Kelly was smirking and did Miranda just glare at him? He stared at the ground and followed Shepard across the club and up the stairs. "What exactly are we doing because going for a walk has never really been my idea of _fun_."

Shepard shook his head and stopped at one of the rooms and opened the door. "Ta-da, I guess?"

Joker stepped into the private room – the whole top floor of the club was lined with them – and Kasumi's earlier jokes flooded back to him. The room looked out into Citadel space with a view of the Citadel's arm and in the far distance the Presidium ring. The pale light of the Widow illuminated the room, the music from outside muffled. On the table in front of the couch was a box of pizza and two beers. Kasumi had been right.

"I said I'd treat you to a beer. No strippers, though, I'm afraid. Though I'm sure if we keep feeding Kelly alcohol she'll be happy to oblige."

"Bad mental image. Bad mental image!" Joker said and put his hand over his eyes.

"You could always strip for me," Shepard said and Joker could _hear_ him smirk.

"I told you before, I don't dance on tabletops. Unless a trip to hospital is a good night out for you. Is that really pizza?" He looked up and Shepard nodded. "How'd you know I like pizza?"

Shepard shrugged and stuck his hands in his pockets. "Intuition? Besides, who doesn't like pizza? I hear the turians even came up with a dextro sort, though I can't imagine what they decided would be a good topping."

"If it's anything like the crap Garrus eats then I don't wanna know." Joker flipped open the box lid. Real pizza. With, holy crap was that real meat?

"You can find anything on the Citadel," Shepard said.

Joker couldn't help himself. He picked a piece of meat of the pizza and popped it in his mouth. Honest to god real cow – the flavour was unmatched. Hell, even the cheese tasted real! None of that milk replacement goo that officials ensured them was just the same as the genuine article. "This must have cost a small fortune!"

"Then stop staring at it and eat it."

"It's almost too good to eat. Oh real meat, I missed you." Joker grabbed a slice and sat down. He didn't even really notice that Shepard was staring at him until he was most of the way through his first slice. "What?" he asked. Did he have cheese on his face?

"Nothing, nothing. I'm just glad you like it." Shepard sat next to him, but not as close as Joker thought he would. "I was considering that burger you wanted but the logistics of delivering it seemed a little more difficult."

"And what was going to happen if I didn't come out tonight?"

"On the _off chance_ you didn't come out, because let's face it, I am a pretty convincing guy, I was going to have everything delivered to you on the _Normandy_ and we could have had ourselves a picnic in the mess hall." Shepard handed him a beer after cracking both open.

"So you really did think about everything then?"

"Well, what I could. I didn't really think you were the fancy dinner kind of guy, though the thought did cross my mind. I think this is better."

Joker smiled but looked away. He felt silly. This _was_ a date. He took a sip of his beer and then finished his slice of pizza in silence. A date. He didn't really know what to do on a date. Shepard had set this all up from getting him off the ship in the first place, to ordering dinner, beer… Generally, as the man, that's what Joker would have done for his date, so now he kind of felt a little redundant.

What was he supposed to do when the tables were turned?

"I made things awkward again, didn't I?" Shepard asked.

"What? No. You have some sort of complex about that, don't you? Trust me, if you ever make anything awkward I'm the first person who's gonna tell you."

"Good. Then gimme some pizza because damned if I'm not eating some too," Shepard said and reached for the box.

And just like that it was personable again – back to normal. The awkwardness and the fear that one of them was going to do something wrong dissolved into casual conversation while they finished every last morsel of pizza, including any pieces that had fallen off into the box and the crust they fought over even after it dropped onto the couch between them.

"You have crumbs on your shirt," Joker said and gestured with the beer in his hand.

"And you have sauce on your lip."

"Least mine is contained to my face."

Shepard brushed the crumbs off his shirt and then placed his beer on the table. He smirked and slid across the couch, eliminating just about any room between them. Joker swore his temperature spiked to something abnormal as soon as Shepard's hand ghosted over his thigh and he parted his lips in anticipation as Tris leant towards him. He felt Shepard's tongue drag across his lip and then… He opened his eyes, not quite even remembering that he had closed them and saw Shepard grinning at him.

"All better," Shepard said with that damnable smirk still plastered on his lips.

"You're an asshole," Joker said. He reached out, curling his fingers into Shepard's white shirt and dragged him back. He leaned forward and kissed him, feeling his heart race in his chest with excitement. Except now he had too few hands, with one still holding Shepard's shirt and the other his beer. He cursed against Shepard's lips and pulled away to place his beer on the table. Tris pulled the SR-2 cap from his head and dropped it on the couch. It slipped and landed on the floor.

"Hey!"

"Don't complain," Shepard murmured against his lips.

Right…no complaints. Joker raised one hand to the back of Tris' neck, the slight discharge of static running down his hand and wrist, his other hand still wrapped in his shirt, holding him in place lest he try to escape.

His previous self-depreciating thoughts seemed stupid now. Tris wasn't running anywhere and this was no joke at his expense. No one would go to this much trouble to play a prank on him and even if Shepard was just out to hurt him, he couldn't afford to lose him as their pilot. This was real. It made his heart ache in his chest; an uncomfortable yet comfortable tightness that welled inside of him.

Joker gasped and swore against Shepard's lips as he felt the Commander's hand slide under his shirt. Shepard chuckled, his fingers dragging along Joker's spine.

"You still taste like pizza," Shepard said.

"That's disgusting. Now I'm going to feel all self-conscious."

Shepard placed a quick kiss on his cheek. "No, it was really good pizza," he said. The next kiss was placed against Joker's jaw and then his neck.

Joker couldn't help but smile. Tris really was such a loveable idiot. He let go of his shirt and placed his hand on Tris' cheek. Shepard looked up at him and he smiled. "I have no idea how people think you're suave," he said. He leaned in and kissed him, but it was different – not hot, heady but comfortable, a slow warmth that made his fingers tingle.

Until it was all broken by the beep of Shepard's comms. Shepard sighed and rolled his eyes. "Typical. I wonder who shot someone. Bet it was Jack. She's probably broken some guys arm because he asked her to dance."

"Come on, you don't know that. It could have been Miranda. She doesn't seem like the type that accepts compliments easily, especially from drunk guys complimenting her _assets._ "

Shepard touched his fingers to the point behind his ear. "What? This better be important." He then ran his hand over his Omni-tool and the comm system flickered.

" _Commander."_

Miranda. Joker sighed.

" _We've got a slight problem. Get down here, now."_

Shepard rubbed his forehead. "She could at least apologize for interrupting."

"I don't think she's sorry."

"Stay here, okay? Whatever is going on, you're probably better off up here, especially if there's a chance bullets are going to start flying."

"Don't trust me to hold my own, Commander?"

Shepard looked at him. "You know that's not it. Don't act so insulted." He ran his thumb over Joker's cheek and along the line of his beard. "If I had a spare pistol I'd give it to you. I know you'd have my back. But I barely came armed myself."

Sometimes Joker hated how Shepard could completely placate him with just a few words. He felt like an ass for even bringing it up.

* * *

Shepard was expecting a riot zone or an all-out gun fight – _something_ to warrant interrupting him when he specifically told Miranda that he wasn't to be interrupted – but instead he came downstairs to what could almost be called peace. A couple tables were overturned, chairs smashed, and some of the clubs participants were looking a little scared, but he had been expecting war.

"What happened?" he asked Miranda as soon as he saw her, touching his hand to her arm.

"Grunt decided that he would pick a fight with most of the clubs participants." She gestured to the krogan lying in the middle of the dance floor.

"So you killed him? Seems extreme."

"He's not dead, Commander. But it took Jack, Thane and Garrus to take him down. I made it clear they weren't to injure him which made things difficult."

"Well…thank you. I prefer he stays alive. What happened then? Did someone start something?"

"I believe he'd had too much to drink," she said and folded her arms. "I can't say I approve of this dalliance, Commander."

"Come on, Miranda. A little alcohol and a club aren't going to do anyone any harm. Grunt is…a teenager. He just needed to blow of some steam, clearly. When he wakes up he'll probably feel all the better for it."

"Shepard, he just about killed a turian who got in his way and Samara has been sent back to the ship with what may be a broken arm. This is not just blowing off steam."

"When he wakes up I'll talk to him but for now, no real harm done. Just get him back to the ship and we'll get out of here before we cause any more drama."

Miranda pushed her hair back, exasperated. "Commander—"

"Miranda," he countered and she shot him a look of annoyance. He stared her down.

"Understood, Commander," she said.

Shepard watched her leave to rectify their situation and he knew she was annoyed but he wasn't really willing to put up with her moodiness and Cerberus 'protocol' when she had just interrupted what had otherwise been shaping up to be a very, _very_ good night.

He smiled and touched his fingers to his lips. He could still taste pizza.


	23. Distraction

"You've got to be shitting me… Wrex?" Shepard asked. The large krogan in front of him glared and gave him a shove. Shepard glared back. He was in no mood for trouble from some krogan.

"You must wait until the clan leader summons you."

"Back off," Shepard said. "Wrex and I go way back. My name is Commander Tristan Shepard. Now let me through."

"Shepard!"

Shepard grinned and waved to Wrex. He glared at the krogan in front of him again and gave him a shove as he walked past. Wrex clamped his hand around Shepard's and he squeezed back, both of them trying to force the other to let go first. Neither backed down. Wrex snorted a laugh and thumped Shepard in the arm.

"Should have known the void couldn't hold you. The rumours…were they true?"

"Depends on which ones and who you ask. What's with the bodyguards?"

"Can't be too careful."

"You abandoned many traditions to get your way, there are many out for your head!"

Shepard looked over at the krogan Wrex had been speaking to previously. Wrex turned and stared the krogan down before lunging forward and head butting him. Shepard winced at the crack of sound.

"Speak when spoken to, Uvenk," Wrex said. He sat on the throne-like chair that had been placed atop the dais. "What brings you here? We don't often allow aliens to do business on Tuchanka – but you're an exception."

Shepard could see why they never got many visitors. Now being here he could see why the krogan population was as pitiful as it was. There was little hope here. He never thought he would find himself on Tuchanka but he seemed destined to visit most places of note – maybe he should be taking holiday snaps?

"I was trying to fill the hole you left in my squad so I picked up this one," Shepard said and gestured back to Grunt. "I think he's sick. Or he thinks he's sick. Either way, he's busting up my ship and getting us into trouble."

Grunt stepped forward. He was silent.

"Where are you from, whelp? Was your clan destroyed before you could learn what was expected of you?"

"I have no clan." Grunt looked up. "I was tank-bred by Warlord Okeer. I am pure Krogan – you should be in awe."

Shepard put his hand to his forehead and sighed. Grunt was going to get himself, or worse, all of them, killed. He thanked whatever force might be out there that Wrex was in charge here.

"Okeer is a very old name. A very hated name."

"He is dead."

Wrex stood. "Of course, you're with Shepard. How could he be alive?"

Miranda glared at Shepard. "Why is it that every time we meet one of your old friends their testimonies concern me more?"

"Hey, I impressed the guy, what can I say?"

Wrex ran his thick hand over his head. "A clone undertaking the Rite…"

"You are considering allowing a tank-bred status as an adult?" Uvenk asked. "This is too far!"

"There's nothing wrong with him – he's becoming a full adult," Wrex said, ignoring Uvenk.

"I was right?" Shepard asked. He was never right when it came to things like this.

"Don't let it go to your head," Miranda said. She folded her arms and looked away. "It still doesn't excuse his behaviour."

"Hey, if I was a male teenage krogan I'd be a pissed off jerk, too. Like I said, he just needed to blow off some steam. Maybe we can buy him a lap dance or something?"

Wrex shook his head. "Not that easy, Shepard. Krogan must undergo the Rite of Passage."

"Too far, Wrex! Your clan may rule but this thing is not Krogan."

"This 'thing' is my crewmate!" Shepard yelled. Uvenk sneered at him before storming away.

"Idiot," Wrex said as he watched Uvenk leave. "Ignore him."

"I doubt it's the last we've seen of him," Shepard said. Some things he could pre-empt coming back to bite him in the ass.

"So tell me…" Wrex looked Grunt up and down, evaluating him. "Do you wish to stand with Urdnot?"

"Whoa, whoa, what exactly is this Rite of Passage?" Shepard asked.

"That's not for me to say. The Shaman will discuss that."

The Shaman? Oh lord…what had he gotten them into? "Fine. Grunt? You wanna do this?"

Grunt turned and walked to the edge of the platform. He looked out over the common area. "My blood demands this."

Wrex huffed a laugh. "Go to the Shaman. Give him a good show and he'll set you on the right path."

Shepard nodded to Wrex but said no more as they left. Grunt trailed behind him and Miranda, his eyes scouring over the area.

"Shepard, this is ridiculous."

"Maybe so, but if it's what Grunt needs then we'll do it."

"To what end? You should have never released him from the tank."

Shepard glanced at her. He didn't know whether it was from being around so many krogans or whether he was just annoyed that she seemed to be pushing him lately, but he was really getting sick of her attitude. "I released him from the tank because that was my decision. If you've got a problem with my decisions then get the hell off my squad."

"You work for Cerberus—"

"I work for myself!" He stopped and turned to face her. "So back off. Cerberus may sponsor this little field trip, but do you expect me to thank you for bringing me back to life or something? If that's what you're waiting for then you better be a patient woman, Miranda. But seeing as though you _did_ bring me back to life, we're going to do this my way – and right now that means helping Grunt with whatever this Rite of Passage entails. If you don't want to be here then go back to the damn ship."

Miranda stared at him, her lips pursed. For once she didn't fold her arms, which was generally the first sign of her annoyance. "Understood, Commander."

Shepard looked at Grunt and ushered him forward. They had a job to do.

* * *

Contemplate the keystone, they said. Contemplate? Shepard wasted another sink as the Klixen attacked. He jumped behind a pillar as a burst of flame shot towards him. He could feel the heat sizzling in the air.

"Shepard!" Miranda yelled and he saw the Klixen rise into the air before it was hurled away over the railing.

Shepard slid out of cover and a spray from his shotgun ripped through another of the creatures. He propelled himself away as it exploded in its death throws.

"More to the right," Miranda said.

Grunt roared and ran forward, gun blazing. He knocked one of the creatures to the ground and fired his rifle into another. It exploded; a burning, acidic mess of carapace and flesh.

"Grunt!" Shepard shielded his eyes as the smoke cleared.

"More," Grunt said and stepped forward. His armour was singed, but he otherwise looked fine, raring for another round, another enemy to take down.

They readied their weapons and waited for the next wave but were met with nothing but the sound of the wind whipping around them.

"Looks like the last of them," Miranda said. She lowered her gun and pushed some hair away from her face. "This is suicidal. No wonder the krogan are dying out."

"More!" Grunt yelled and stomped his boot on the ground. "Hit the keystone, Shepard."

"Can't argue with their perseverance though," Shepard said. He motioned his team back up to the keystone pillar. Varren and Klixen were one thing – they'd dealt with those before, and kept them at bay for long enough that they could be taken down – but they had been promised three waves so what else would this Rite throw at them? He pressed his hand to the keystone and the area rang with a loud boom of noise, the ground shaking beneath them.

The ringing stopped. The ground still shook.

"It's coming…" Grunt said and raised his rifle.

Shepard's tongue went dry in his mouth. The ground shaking. The silence and then _that noise_. His eyes went wide as the earth exploded behind them, the great jaws of the beast churning through stone and sand like water. He was knocked to the ground against the wall, his helmet crashing against the stone. His head spun, blinding light piercing across his vision.

Not here. Not here too. He couldn't lose them all again. If they ran, they would be safe. Run and hide and he had watched every last member of his squad disappear. His arms shook from the effort of holding his gun and he threw it away as the block expired. He reached for his shotgun and blasted it towards the creature as it lunged towards him. It was like throwing pebbles. He slid out of the way and slammed his back against the building and the creature burrowed into the ground where he had _just been standing._

There was no escape.

Crying. Screaming.

"Commander!"

He opened his eyes and looked up.

"Shepard! Get up." Miranda grabbed his limp arm and pulled.

Miranda. This wasn't Akuze. He ground his teeth together and wrapped his fingers around her arm, dragging himself up with her help. She shoved him against the wall as the Thresher Maw attacked, the acid in its saliva burning into the stone.

"This isn't the time, Commander!" Miranda yelled over the noise. She was pressed against him, his back to the wall. "You need to finish this."

He looked over her shoulder. Grunt raced forward and all Shepard could see was the bright fire from the end of his rifle as he shot at the Thresher.

They could do this. They were on foot, sans the Mako's cannon, and there were just the three of them…but they could do this. It was time to confront this demon.

He nodded at Miranda and she released him. He drew the rocket launcher from his back and walked forward. The Thresher Maw was preoccupied with Grunt and the heavy fire it was under. Miranda covered him but didn't draw its attention. It couldn't approach them any closer – they were standing on solid stone.

Shepard knelt and waited until it opened its mouth before he fired. The rocket sizzled through the air, followed by a second. The Thresher reared back as it swallowed the first rocket, the second exploding against its head. It oozed acid and it screeched in pain, writhing and twisting in agony.

Grunt dropped another heat sink to the ground and continued to fire. It was taking heavy damage now, the bullets breaking through its damaged shell.

"Again, Shepard," Miranda said.

He had a better idea. Shepard hefted the rocket launcher up and threw it, his biotics catching it midair. It was much lighter than throwing around crates or vehicles. He thrust the weapon forward and it soared overhead.

He had lived with the fear of these creatures for so long. Always convinced that one day he would meet his end in their jaws, that fate had played a cruel joke in letting him survive Akuze. But he needed to survive. Shepard bit his lip – hard – and felt the blood trickle into his mouth and across his tongue as he focussed. With a slight movement he ripped the rocket launcher apart – the metal, the rockets, everything. It exploded and tore through the Thresher Maw, pieces of its acid-ridden flesh falling to the ground around them.

Shepard slumped, falling to one knee. His body was shaking and he felt light headed.

It was Miranda who knelt beside him and placed her hand on his. "Are you alright, Shepard?"

He looked at her. She was smiling at him. The same smile he remembered from waking on the cold table before all he felt was blinding pain burn through his veins. The same smile that he thought he saw sometimes when he woke. In some strange way, her smile made him feel at peace. He sometimes wondered whether during the years it had taken to rebuild him his body retained some recollection of what happened around him. When he heard Miranda's voice for the first time, it hadn't seemed foreign. She was cool and abrasive and certainly didn't like anyone getting too close to her, but with him she seemed to hold a different air. They quarrelled, she disagreed with him, but she never seemed out to hurt him or even upset him.

"I'm alright," he said. He slowly stood and helped Miranda to her feet beside him.

"We have company," Grunt said. His armour was pockmarked with acid stains, burnt and stained from fire and soot, but he had survived. "Good. I want more."

They headed down to where the ship landed and Shepard saw Uvenk standing atop a low wall. He glared at them and ushered them over.

"You brought down the Thresher Maw. No one has done that in generations. Urdnot Wrex was the last."

Not surprising, Shepard thought. If anyone was going to take down a Thresher it was Wrex.

"My kraant gave me strength beyond my genes!" Grunt said and pointed at Uvenk.

"If you wanna try kill us, Uvenk, come at us, but you've seen what Grunt can do."

Uvenk held up his hand. "No…not yet. This deserves consideration. You are powerful, but you are a mistake. You could tip the balance of the clans."

"You spit on my father's name, on Shepard's name, but now you stop ranting because I'm strong?" Grunt balled his first and took a step forward.

"You could give my clan a name."

"He won't be your damn trophy, Uvenk. He's not a thing and if I know Grunt your answer is going to come at muzzle velocity."

Grunt smirked. "You do know Grunt." He lunged forward before Uvenk had time to react. He grabbed him by the collar of his armour and slammed his head against Uvenk's, knocking him to the ground. "You're dead."

Shepard dove out of the way as the krogans behind Uvenk fired at him and Miranda. They wouldn't shoot Grunt – they were too afraid they might hit Uvenk as the pair scrapped on the ground. Between Shepard and Miranda the krogan force stood little chance. They always worked well together; Miranda would drag an enemy from cover or overload shields and Shepard would close the deal face to face. Shepard slammed the butt of his rifle into the face of one of the krogans and then knocked it to the ground with his biotics. Miranda shot the advancing krogan to his right and it dropped to a heap. From behind them he heard Grunt roar in rage. Shepard looked over, shooting the krogan at his feet without even looking, the orange blood splattering across his armour. Grunt had thrown Uvenk against the wall and charged, slamming him into the stone. Uvenk probably thought he could escape from this too, but Shepard saw Grunt pull his gun. Six loud shots and Uvenk slumped against Grunt who let him fall to the ground.

"Learnt that one from you," Grunt said and nodded at Shepard.

The Shaman brought them back to the common ground. He was silent most of the way. Shepard hoped that this was the end of the Rite, that there wasn't some sort of surprise round, because he just didn't think he had it in him. As it was he'd already emptied his canteen full of energy drink, the sickly liquid leaving a residue of grit on the roof of his mouth. He stood back as the Shaman moved in front of Grunt, looking him over. Grunt knelt in front of him when he was gestured to do so.

"Grunt, you are Urdnot. You may now own property, join the army and apply to serve under a battle master."

"Shepard is my battle master. He has no match," Grunt said.

The Shaman hummed in the back of his throat. "Understood. Congratulations, Urdnot Grunt, may your foes be strong enough to keep you sharp."

Wrex shook his head. "You just can't help making trouble. No one has killed a Maw since my turn in the Rite." He leant forward and looked at Grunt, leaning his head on his meaty fist. The Shaman nodded at him. "You are Urdnot Grunt. Welcome."

Shepard nodded to Grunt and motioned them away. "Wrex, we have to go. But I think we'll be seeing each other again."

Wrex smiled, his thick lips drawing back to expose his teeth. "I think you're right. Hunt well, Shepard."

* * *

"Commander, if you bust your lip open one more time all the surgery in the world is not going to fix you," Chakwas said. She dabbed at his lip with a piece of gauze and Shepard winced and pulled away from her.

"C'mon, Doc, I'm only disfiguring myself because I know you'll never accept me."

Chakwas sighed in frustration and shook her head. "Don't get cute with me, soldier. I do wish you'd take better care of yourself. Sensor readouts are also showing the beginning signs of malnutrition and advanced sleep deprivation. It's a wonder you can keep yourself upright."

He frowned. "It's not that bad. So I don't eat as often as I should…and you try sleeping when everyone on the ship always wants something. If it's not Miranda with reports it's someone on the crew with their own problems."

He winced when Chakwas pressed the gauze back to his lip, but this time she held him in place with a stern hand on his cheek. "I understand it is difficult, Commander, but sometimes you need to give yourself some down time. At the rate this is going you're not going to be a help to anyone."

The doors to the med bay opened and Shepard couldn't hide his smile, until Chakwas pressed harder against his lip. He hissed in pain and winced backwards again. "What do you have on that thing; acid?"

"No, but for all I know that's what you have on your skin. Oh, I give up. It's too late for this. Jeff, please deal with him." Chakwas put the piece of bloody gauze on the tray to join the pieces she had already used. "Please, Commander, get some rest."

Joker watched her leave and then looked at Shepard. "Wow, you really pissed her off. Usually she only gets that weird vein on her forehead when she's talking to me."

"Shouldn't you be on shift?"

"Uh, yeah, about four hours ago. You really do lose all sense of time down there, don't you?"

Shepard touched his finger to his lip and couldn't help the flinch of pain. Perhaps it was more damaged than he thought. "It's hard to tell. Down there it's daytime, up here you're on night cycle." That was the problem with touring the galaxy – every planet had its own seasons, weather and time. It was a surprise he wasn't permanently feeling the affects of getting no consistent sleep.

He reached out to put his arms around Joker but his hands were batted away. He frowned and watched Joker take a fresh piece of sterile gauze and touch the antiseptic to its surface. "Not you, too," he said and shuffled back as far as he could on the bed.

"Don't be such a baby," Joker said.

Great. Here he was hoping that he'd be able to get out of the rest of the cleanup of his swollen, bleeding lip. Both of them were sadists, surely.

"How is it that you can get yourself shot and barely flinch but a cut lip has you acting like this?"

"Getting shot is fast. It cuts, then burns, and then the Medi-gel clamps down and it doesn't really feel like anything. Cleaning it up later is just process and the area is completely numb. Never been shot before?"

"I try to stay out of gun fights, generally. Now sit still."

Shepard did as he was told and let Joker press the cloth to his lip, holding it in place as it absorbed the blood. The cut had stopped bleeding before but as soon as he'd had a shower it started again, and then of course when he'd gone to see Chakwas she yelled at him for having a shower first instead of coming straight to her and blamed his foolhardiness for him getting injured in the first place.

"I was watching the feed," Joker said. "You alright?"

"Uh, 'm here?" Shepard slurred, trying not to move.

"That's not what I mean. The Thresher Maw."

Shepard looked at him. Did Joker realize he was stroking his thumb over the skin along his jaw as he carefully dabbed at the blood with the gauze in his other hand? Shepard slipped his hand around Joker's waist and watched him. He was content with the silence. Truthfully, he didn't want to even think about sleep tonight. The memories of Akuze were now too fresh, sitting just behind his eyes where he was sure he'd see them in the darkness. They had taken down the Thresher Maw but it had been a weight he had carried for so long the fear wasn't going to disappear so easily.

Ice spread across his lip as Joker carefully smeared the antiseptic cream across the cut. It would stop the swelling and help close the wound but other than that there wasn't much that could be done for a split lip.

"Thanks," Shepard said. He put his other arm around Joker's waist now that he wouldn't hamper his movement.

"Ah, nothing special. I wouldn't go signing me up for shifts with Chakwas or anything."

"Still…thanks." He didn't mean for just cleaning him up. Chakwas had pretty much done the job until she'd had enough of his flinching – she wouldn't have left if he'd been in any real peril. More likely than not she was just being respectful of their space.

That made him smile, despite the uncomfortable tingle and ache of his lip. 'Their space' had a nice feel to it; comfortable even. He'd never been good at the whole casual relationship thing, and he certainly wasn't into flings or one-night stands. Like most things he was fairly single-minded about this; he wanted Jeff, and that was that.

Though he realized sometimes his single-minded determination was a little scary. Besides, they didn't really have much room to think beyond the next couple of months, hell, maybe not even beyond the next couple of weeks. The Collectors could attack them tomorrow, or they could be forced through the Omega 4 relay next week. There was no way to tell. But his thoughts still remained the same.

He wanted Jeff.

He just hoped he didn't do anything stupid and scare him off.

"So I'll live?" Shepard asked.

"Yeah, for now. Until the next person on the ship gets their hands on you, anyway. What is it with these guys and wanting your help? You should really start charging by the hour."

"And what on earth would I do with that many credits?"

"I dunno, I could think of a few things we could blow a large amount of creds on. Expensive alcohol, dancers, maybe redecorate my bridge?"

"I don't think EDI will approve."

"It doesn't approve of anything I do. I'm sure it's there just to piss me off. Though…it did help you get off that Collector vessel."

"So, not all bad?"

Joker leaned up and placed a kiss on the edge of Shepard's lips, away from the swelling and bruise. "Yeah, not all bad."

Miranda cleared her throat from the doorway.

Great. She really had impeccable timing. Shepard glared at her from over Joker's shoulder. "Want something, Miss Lawson?" He was sick of her interrupting.

"Can I see you in my quarters, Shepard? If the Helmsman has finished patching you up, that is?"

Joker looked over his shoulder at her. "I'm taking that means I'm supposed to make myself scarce? Don't have to tell me twice. Seeya, Tris." He winced when he realized he'd called Shepard by his first name, but didn't say anything else, detangling himself from Shepard's arms and leaving. He didn't pause to say anything more to either of them.

"Happy now?" Shepard asked. He hopped off the medical bay bed. "What do you want?"

Miranda didn't answer and turned to leave, not even indicating that Shepard should follow. He did, but out of exasperation not any real concern or curiosity.

"I've been meaning to talk to you, Shepard," Miranda said. She leant against her desk, her slender fingers holding the edge. "I believe I've been lax in my duties."

"That's hard to believe from you, Miranda," he said and leaned against the wall across from her, folding his arms.

"It's my job to make sure the mission goes according to plan. For the most part, you've done a fantastic job. I wish Cerberus had recruited you earlier."

"You've gotta remember I'm only here out of necessity. If you'd come to recruit me earlier I probably would have shot you."

Miranda made a noncommittal noise and pursed her lips. He could see her fingers tighten on the edge of the desk. "Commander, I don't doubt your dedication to this mission…but I do doubt your integrity. Your budding _relationship_ with the Helmsman is a distraction that you can't afford. I am going to have to insist you end it – before it goes any further."

Shepard laughed. He couldn't help it. "You can't be serious!" he said. He leaned his head back against the wall and wiped his hand over his forehead. "That's what's got you in such a shitty mood, isn't it? You've been building up to this."

"Commander, you can't allow distractions to interfere with the mission—"

"It's not a distraction." He pushed away from the wall. "You think I would really let something get in the way of what I have to do? Then you don't know me at all."

"I spent two years learning about you."

"Then you weren't very thorough. Joker…" He trailed off. Was it appropriate to bring up those sorts of feelings with Miranda; especially when she was questioning his motives and morals? "Joker has always been there for me. If you'd read your reports, you'd know that. Cerberus brought him back knowing that he was someone I could trust, someone I cared about, and now you're telling me to back off?"

"Emotions are a distraction. I can't have you and the pilot running around acting like a pair of teenagers when the fate of the whole galaxy is at stake!"

"I'm not a machine. I know several large chunks of me might be cybernetics but I can't just turn emotions on and off to suit you or anyone else." He clenched his fists at his sides. "It just doesn't work like that."

Miranda wasn't a heartless monster, but sometimes it was really hard to remember that. She'd grown up with such warped ideals on love and loyalty, friendship and family; it was amazing she was capable of dealing with anyone at all.

He sighed. "Miri…I know you don't mean any of this. I don't know what's got you saying it now – maybe it's the Illusive Man, I don't know – but you don't really feel this way. You know me. You know me a hell of a lot better than a lot of people out there and you know I would never do anything if I felt it would jeopardize the mission. I know how important this is but I _can't_ let him go now. I can't turn off my feelings for him."

Miranda stood. She was biting her lip, perhaps biting back what else she wanted to say. She paced a couple steps, her boots tapping against the floor, before she stopped in front of him. "This is no time for emotional entanglement. You and I both know how unlikely it is that we're coming back alive. But…I can't turn off my feelings either."

Miranda ran her delicate fingers along Shepard's chest, stopping above his heart, and then leant forward and kissed him.


	24. Blood and Water

Shepard closed the holo-journal.

"She is becoming more brazen in her attacks." Samara stood at his side.

"It would seem so," he said.

He found it difficult to get along with Samara, but he felt for her. This was her daughter. A daughter she was going to have to kill. That couldn't be easy.

"Why doesn't she just attack?" Shepard asked. "Back alleys. Dark corner of a club. Why go to all this effort?"

Samara picked up the statue on the desk. "Morinth…she is very particular. She is attracted to artists and creators. Someone with a spark, slightly isolated from their peers."

"It's so hard when no one believes you!" Shepard heard the murdered girl's mother weeping in the lounge. Kasumi was attempting to comfort her.

"The hunt interests her as much as the strike," Samara said, lowering her voice.

Shepard wiped carefully at his bruised lip and then the back of his neck. This wasn't what he wanted to deal with right now. When Samara came to him he'd known it had been bad, but a dead girl, an Ardat-Yakshi? He hated missions like this, where personal feelings came into the mix of guns and dead bodies. He didn't want to know that the dead body on the ground was someone's daughter; he just wanted to know that they were dead and try not to think about it later. Even the worst people were once upon a time someone's baby, their pride and joy.

He looked up at Samara. All three daughters Ardat-Yakshi. Once upon a time they were her pride and joy, too.

"I'm sorry, Samara."

She shook her head. "We must find her. This is the closest I've ever been. Afterlife's VIP section seems to be her preferred hunting ground. You must go there alone and unarmed. She won't be able to resist you."

"Me?" There were a few fatal flaws with Samara's plan. "What interest would Morinth have with me? I'm no artist, Samara. My stick figures would make a five-year-old blush. I can't write, can't sing, can't play an instrument, hell even picking clothes that look good together is almost too much of an ask."

"You are an artist on the battlefield," Samara said. "You have that vital spark that attracts her. Your power will draw her in. You will never be alone – I swear. I will be watching from the shadows. But you cannot barge in with guns or allies. This is a subtle, delicate act."

Shepard frowned. 'Subtle' and 'delicate' were not the words anyone would ever use to describe him. 'Brash' and 'fool-hardy', maybe. There was a reason that the Alliance gave up any hope of training him to be an Adept and decided to give him a shotgun.

But it was the same words that came back to haunt him: A spark, a fire that convinced people to follow him into hell. That charm that made people follow him, believe in him and his cause, even if the odds seemed stacked against them. He never would have said he was a charming guy, perhaps a likeable guy at the most, but he'd never had to work too hard for a promotion or to stand out amongst his peers. He buckled down and did his job, thought quick on his feet, and kept his nose out of trouble and people rallied around him. He didn't think he'd ever be able to understand it but there was no denying it.

"You're going to have to give me a bit of guidance here," he said. "If I mess this up, Morinth will disappear."

However 'guidance' apparently meant different things to him and Samara than it did to Kasumi. Samara had been keen to school him in the latest music trends and the artist Forta who Morinth had mentioned in her note. Kasumi decided to take him shopping.

"Kasumi, I swear I'm going to shoot myself. Mercy killing. I'd do the same for any other man."

"How can you not like shopping?"

"Because I'm a Marine. My wardrobe consists of amour and my Blues. Other than that I own t-shirts and one pair of dress pants."

"I've seen plenty well dressed Marines. They're generally trying to pickup in clubs."

"Well, there you go. I don't go to clubs to pickup."

"No, you don't even leave your ship. Talk about efficient."

Shepard sighed. So far he'd managed to avoid Kasumi and her questioning as she'd seemed far more interested in teasing Joker, but somehow he didn't think he'd be able to get away from this one. At least not without really shooting himself.

Kasumi pointed to the screen and nodded to the salarian shopkeeper. "Haven't you ever wondered what you'd look like if you dressed nicely?" Kasumi asked. "You're so handsome, Shep!"

"I never really thought about it."

"Come now, don't be so modest. You must have some basic understanding on how attractive you are. Because...wow. Your body alone would make most girls—"

"Kasumi…"

She grinned at him. "Innocent teasing, Shep. But seriously, there's a reason you're such a hit with us ladies."

"Uh-huh." He frowned when Kasumi thrust a shirt at him and pointed to the changing room. He really disliked shopping. Unless it was for guns. Shopping for guns was fine.

Kasumi didn't even give him the option of discounting anything until she saw it. She stood beside the dressing room with the door half open. Privacy – at least when it came to others – wasn't really her thing. "If only I could get my hands on Joker. He might look like your typical bachelor now, but with a bit of hard work, maybe a razor, he could look quite handsome."

Shepard pulled the shirt over his shoulders and began to button the front. "You're lucky he's wearing pants now we're not on an Alliance vessel."

Kasumi chirped a laugh. "But what if he was dressed nice?" She put her finger to her chin as she thought. "Green shirt to bring out his eyes, well fitting pants, nice haircut and a shave? He's good-looking, with that sweet smile and those delicate eyes. I can imagine taking him to dinner. There's a restaurant on Illium where only the biggest players and movie starlets get in. I bet you could just walk straight past the line, Shep. You'd pull his chair out for him and pour him wine and…" She sighed. "It would be so romantic."

Shepard raised his eyebrow. Romantic? Sounded like a right pain in the ass. Why would he want to go anywhere that insisted on dinner attire, that served wine instead of beer, and where everyone would be staring at them?

"You ever thought about writing romance novels, Kasumi? I bet you'd make a killing. Sounds like the trite that usually gets around the extranet. You could dedicate your first book to me."

Kasumi took him by the shoulders and forced him to face her, her strength far belying her actual size. "There, now doesn't that look much nicer. Someone might actually believe you're a fashionable young man. Let's find you a jacket."

"Kasumi… We've already been gone like…" He flicked up his Omni-tool. "A whole 45 minutes."

"And you're lucky we're not on Illium otherwise we could be gone all day. Unfortunately Omega isn't exactly fashion-hub of the galaxy."

Shepard supposed this was better than hiding in his cabin. As stupid as it was he was horrified at the thought of running into Miranda. He'd ignored her messages about reports and only snuck out of his quarters when he was sure everyone else was asleep. He found that the only place he was absolutely guaranteed not to run into his XO was with Jack in the hold. Suffice it to say that he'd gotten to know Subject Zero quite well over the last few days and her suggestion that they become pirates was starting to look better and better.

It could all work out so well: Tali could be his damsel in distress, Garrus his lookout, Joker the snarky, insult-throwing parrot, and Kasumi could be his First Mate, just like in the old Earth novels his Mom used to read him when he was young.

"Here, put this on," Kasumi said as she returned.

"You wanna be First Mate on my pirate ship?" Shepard asked her and slipped on the jacket.

Kasumi smiled. "Count me in. How are we going to dispose of Miss Lawson? I suggest having her walk the plank. I'm sure I can find us some sharks, or at least some very scary looking varren with fins stuck to their backs."

Shepard sighed as Kasumi ran her hands over his shoulders, smoothing down the fabric of the jacket. "Can I ask you something?" he asked.

"Everything except where I keep my bounty. I'll never tell."

"Do you actually have…you know what, I think that's information I'm better off not knowing. This jacket is uncomfortable."

"Give it here then."

He handed her the jacket back and she handed him another.

"Do you think I'm letting my personal feelings get in the way of the mission?"

"No. Where did you get that idea? Wait let me guess: Cerberus."

"I don't care what they think." He looked at himself in the mirror. The dark grey shirt was made of soft material that skimmed his shape and the black jacket was fitted, contoured in the right places. "I'm worried about Jeff."

"Jeff?" Kasumi asked. Her lips turned up into a wicked grin. "I didn't think he'd let anyone except Chakwas call him that."

"Jeff…Joker… I'm just worried that maybe this isn't the best thing to be doing. _Now._ "

"Why wouldn't it be? I think it's sweet. He's so smitten with you. Should see the way he stares at you."

Shepard looked over at her. "The Collectors…the Reapers…this is big, Kasumi," he said in a lowered voice. No need to scare anyone else in the store. "There's every possibility that we're not coming back from this mission. If anyone has even the chance of making it out alive, it's Joker and the _Normandy_."

"You just fill me with confidence, Commander," Kasumi deadpanned.

"I shouldn't be talking to you about this."

"We should get back to the ship, anyway," she said and held out her arms for the jacket and shirt. "These will do just fine. I know I'd have trouble keeping my hands off you at a club."

"Great."

Kasumi folded the jacket neatly and pocketed the credit chit Shepard handed her. She took the shirt when he removed it and placed it over the jacket to hold. "I think you should talk to Joker. If you're really worried about something then you need to discuss it with him. No good just telling the ship gossip."

Talk to Joker. Talk to Miranda. If only these things were that easy.

* * *

"Morinth will be watching you but you must pique her interest enough that she will approach you. She is like any predator. Subtly encourage her to invite you to her apartment. I'll follow discreetly and spring the trap when you are alone." Samara glanced over her shoulder briefly. "Know this: Until I get there, you are in great peril. She will be planning to inflict horrors on you. If you are not careful, you will want her to."

Shepard sighed and ran his hand over his carefully styled hair. Kasumi had gone to great lengths to make him, what she called, irresistible. He just felt like an ass.

"So if all goes to plan she'll want to take me home?"

"She admires strength, directness and vigor; all strengths you personify. However, modesty or chivalry bore her. You must be careful. Violence excites her. You've killed, Shepard – she'll like that."

The idea of taking pleasure and revelling in his past kills didn't excite him, but he'd known enough people that did enjoy that sort of thing. He could play the part.

"How am I supposed to get her to even notice me? It's pretty crowded in there."

"Do what you do best. Courage or suicidal bravery could excite her. Show skill at working through a nightclub crowd and she will be intrigued. She'll want you the moment she sees you. The rest is just a matter of overpowering her caution."

"Suicidal bravery I can do. In fact, it might be my fuckin' talent by now," he said.

"I will wait here. If you're the least bit unsure, come talk to me. And thank you. I do not share this burden easily."

"I understand, Samara." He might not 'get' Samara and the law of the Justicar, but he could try to understand a mother.

He remembered his own mother's face. She had pretty dark eyes and black hair cut to her shoulders. She usually wore a hairclip to hold one side back – it had been carved out of a piece of wood and painted with flowers. She'd always seemed young, with tan skin and few wrinkles (not wrinkles, laugh lines, she always said) and was always covered in dirt or grime from working in the fields or the horticulture labs. She had never been the sort of mother that would tell a child to stay inside or to wash their hands and feet before coming into the house.

Shepard locked his jaw, swallowing back the rising lump in his throat. His Mom had thrown herself at the batarians as she had been separated from him and his Father. She had given them the distraction they needed to slip away. She hadn't even hesitated.

To have to kill one of your own children – Shepard couldn't imagine how painful that must be for Samara. He would never dare question her or deny her his assistance.

He walked into the club, the music and the lights dancing around him. He'd never been a huge fan of nightclubs, preferring somewhere quieter he could get a drink with some friends, but there was something to be said about being enveloped by noise and darkness. It stopped the mind from racing.

He was stopped briefly by some guy asking about a band called Expel 10. He'd never heard of them but their music sounded…interesting. Perhaps he'd get EDI to upload some to his terminal. He wanted a drink to settle his nerves. His mouth felt dry.

"Come on, baby. I can pay."

Shepard moved aside as the turian almost stepped into him.

"Back off, asshole. I'm a dancer, not a hooker!" The asari dancer shoved the turian.

"You got a mouth on you! I'll enjoy watching you use it."

The turian grabbed the asari's arm and she tried to pull away. Shepard felt his blood boil as soon as the turian touched her.

"Hey, she said back off," he said, raising his voice above the noise of the club. He grabbed the turian's arm and dug his fingers into his hardened flesh plates, placing enough pressure on the bone that he let go of the dancer.

"This isn't your business!" The turian swung at him with his free arm, but it was obvious he was drunk. Shepard stepped aside and let him go and the turian fell to the ground.

"I'll give you a chance to get out of here," Shepard said.

The turian pulled himself up and lunged at Shepard. It was a simple matter of spinning the turian, using his own weight against him, and he sent him sailing across the hall and into a wall. The turian slumped to the ground, unconscious.

"What an idiot," Shepard said. He shook his head and then turned to the asari. "Are you alright? Did he hurt you?"

"No… Security were just asleep. But I appreciate the help."

"No problem."

So, back to that drink. He leaned on the bar and breathed out in a huff. He nodded to the bar keeper and he was poured a drink. Shepard didn't really care what it was.

"You know, if you treated everyone here to a round on the house they'd be more likely to stick around and would probably spend a lot more on drinks after," Shepard said and then downed his glass in a gulp.

The bar manager looked around the club and gave Shepard a sceptical look.

"They look bored. Bored people don't spend money," Shepard said and shrugged. "Just advice."

"Maybe worth a try," the man said. "Alright, but you better be right. Listen up, everyone! We love having you here, so a round of drinks on the house!"

The bar attendees cheered and Shepard fled the counter before he was mobbed.

This place was like a minefield of hazards. How was he supposed to do anything to get noticed if he kept getting interrupted? First the asari girl and the turian and now having to flee from the bar. He sighed and leant against the wall, casting an apprehensive look around the club. He wouldn't know Morinth even if she was staring straight at him. Asari all kind of looked the same, he hated to say it. Other than some facial features and a bit of skin colouring, in a mono-gendered race it was pretty hard to notice a whole lot of instant differences between people.

He smirked. They probably thought the same thing of humans.

Shepard touched his hand to his hair but quickly pulled it away at the odd _crispy_ feeling that the hair gel had created. How did people wear it all the time? Kaidan had been a big fan of the hair gel – never a single strand out of place. It had always been fun to ruffle him a little.

His senses picked up slightly to listen to the two turians sitting in the booth beside where he stood. He leaned slightly closer, making it look as innocent as shifting his weight. They sounded like mercs, or at least up to no good. He glanced over his shoulder and that was enough for the turians to notice him.

"Hey! What are you looking at?" one asked.

Shepard pushed away from the wall. He looked the turian up and down and folded his arms. "Not much, by the looks of it. Look guys, whatever you're planning, just…don't."

"Human thinks he's tough!" Both turians stood. They were face to face with him; edgy, twitching with the instinct to fight.

Shepard only raised an eyebrow to question their actions, but didn't otherwise flinch. "Guys, bad move. You seriously don't know who you're dealing with here."

And they wouldn't find out. The turian who had spoken to him lunged for his waist. Shepard sidestepped him and grabbed him by the armour and slammed him into the ground. There was a scrape and a crunch of what could have been either bone or armour. The other turian jumped at him while he was crouched over, throwing his weight onto Shepard's back.

"Seriously, not a good night to pick a fight!" Shepard growled and stood, hefting the turian's weight. He took a few steps back and slammed the turian against the wall, once, and then again. They were either poorly trained or just dumb drunk because both were out after a couple hits. Shepard pushed at the one slumped against the wall with his boot and got no response. He could see why Garrus had tried to make it his mission to clean up Omega – there was enough scum in one bar to keep him busy all night. He nodded to the security guard by the entrance but made himself scarce before they could come over and decide he was causing more problems for them. This was the third turian he'd knocked out tonight.

"My name is Morinth."

Shepard paused and turned to look at the asari. He hadn't even noticed her there, standing in the shadows against the wall. She seemed unassuming. But this was Morinth.

He supposed he could see the similarity between her and her mother.

"I've been watching you," she said. Her voice was smooth, dripping with honey, promises of something more. Just like Samara said. "I've got a booth over here in the shadows. Why don't you come sit with me?"

A small voice in his head seemed to leap at the chance and he had to mentally beat it back down. He'd never been particularly interested in asari – they were alien but still very _female_. Undeniably so. But whatever Morinth did to her prey seemed to work just as well on him despite that; it was tempting, like an offer to just give it a try, doesn't hurt to try.

He gave her his best smile and gestured her to lead on. Everything about Morinth screamed sex. It made him uncomfortable, but that too he beat down. The booth was dark, secluded from the rest of the club and its activities. Morinth sat across from him, lounging luxuriously in her seat, and the uncomfortable feeling just wouldn't settle down in his stomach. He felt like a mouse being stalked by a cougar.

"Some nights I come here and there's no one interesting to talk to. Some nights, there's just one person. Tonight, it's you. Why is that?"

Shepard eased the nervousness from his shoulders and mirrored her position. In humans, at least, it showed interest in what the person was saying, openness to conversation, and confidence and from what he knew about asari they tended to share many of the same queues from body language, though they were, on a whole, a lot more touchy-feely.

He didn't really know what he had done to catch Morinth's attention, but now that he had it he couldn't do much else than put on a good show and try to play off his apparent strengths. He'd never been a particularly good liar. "I know what I want," he said.

"Do you?" Morinth asked. It seemed to interest her.

He ran his tongue over his lips and leant forward slightly. "Do you know anything about art? I'm looking for a piece by an artist named Forta. Do you know of him?"

That definitely got her attention. "I didn't think anyone around here knew him. He's sublime."

Shepard recognized many personal characteristics in Morinth; the way she spoke, the way she acted, even how she dressed all pointed towards someone geared towards seeking pleasure. He needed to play to that.

"Art speaks to the darkest places inside of me. I've seen vids that were more powerful than a sculpture sitting in a gallery."

He harkened back to what Samara had taught him. "Have you seen Vaenia? It's one of my favourites."

"The two actresses are so glamorous. Perhaps we could watch it together?"

"Perhaps," Shepard answered. He had just enough arrogance in his tone. He wouldn't give in so easy. Someone overly cautious would bore Morinth, but anyone naïve didn't have a chance with her. "Perhaps we could listen to some music together? The music here is alright, but I've been hearing about a band – Expel 10. Have you heard their music?"

"They get into my head and tear it to pieces. They're in concert soon – we should go together. But there are ways to…enhance the music, you know?"

Shepard smirked. Perhaps this wasn't as hard as he thought it was going to be. "You mean like Hallex? It gets in your head, too, makes everything large and encompasses your thoughts." He had no idea what Hallex was like, but if it was anything like a good, not-so-healthy overdose on Minagen X3, he could testify to the feeling.

"It slithers through my soul," Morinth said. "Looks like we share some interests. Do you want to get out of here? My apartment is nearby, and I want you alone…"

Shepard stood and held his hand out to Morinth. "You read my mind."

He knew Samara was following them, and behind her, Kasumi. Neither was going to leave him alone in this. While, even without weapons, he would never feel completely unprotected being a biotic, he knew that in a fight he wouldn't stand much chance against an Ardat-Yakshi. Morinth had a millennia or two of experience over him, her biotics were more powerful, and he was probably not even capable of fighting her off if she was able to dominate his mind. The thought was slightly nerve-wracking, but he trusted Kasumi and Samara to get him out of this. He just hoped they came before the whole brain haemorrhage part.

Morinth's apartment was furnished and decorated with everything she loved. He stalled for time, looking at her artwork and pieces, asking questions but trying to keep her interest. Luckily she was happy to talk about her interests, but Shepard knew he couldn't continue to stall her forever or risk losing her attention.

"Come…sit with me," she said. "I love the music and bass of clubs. Here…it's muted, safe. Is that what you want?"

Shepard sat on the couch. "Safe? There's no safety in hiding. It makes you weak. I'd rather fight."

"Yes, better to take control of your fate."

He wondered if she felt remorse for what she had done. Probably not, but he did think she thought about it. Morinth wanted to be free, and he couldn't quite blame her. Her sisters lived as what he could only call Nuns – cut off from the world, from passion and temptation. They had done so to save the lives of those they would kill otherwise, but what might have been their personalities and potential had died instead. Morinth was a killer; she preyed on those that interested her, revelled in pain and pleasure and did as she pleased, but she had taken her destiny into her own hands. Not all of that was bad. Shepard couldn't really say what he would have done if faced with the same problem. He had no comparison. Even as a potential biotic he had been stable and no real harm to anyone, he hadn't even had the same problems as Kaidan with L2 implants.

"I never understood the fascination with safety," Morinth said. "Independence over submission. I think we share that, you and I."

And he couldn't really disagree.

Morinth stood; her body was lithe, graceful. She sat on his lap and stroked her hand down his cheek.

"Do you think you can handle me?" Shepard asked. He could just about feel her gaze raking over him, darting between his different scars and lingering on his eyes.

"So strong… I need this."

It was sudden. The strike of a wild animal. Shepard felt the air race out of his lungs as he was drawn into Morinth's dark eyes.

"Look into my eyes. Tell me you want me. Tell me you'd kill for me."

He wanted to. That same small voice in his mind was now screaming at him to obey her, to give Morinth anything she wanted so that she would want him, love him and pleasure him. That all his thoughts up until now had been so misguided and pointless and the only thing that mattered was _her_.

He breathed in. His heart raced in his chest until all he could hear was the rush of blood in his ears. His body felt flushed, aching to be touched, his nerves itching with anticipation. It would feel so exquisite.

But not what he wanted. He knew what he wanted. Someone who told bad jokes, drank way too much coffee, fought with the AI, and liked nothing more than watching vids and eating snacks. Someone who seemed so fragile but was stronger than almost anyone he knew. Someone who would hold him and make him feel _safe._ He did want to be safe. He didn't like danger, didn't need to feel that rush of adrenalin. He wanted to wrap his arms around someone and feel their warmth and tell stupid jokes, drink too much coffee, watch vids and eat snacks and feel safe!

This was not that person.

He gasped a breath, the air hitting him in the chest. "This needs to end, Morinth."

She looked at him, realization catching on. "I see what's going on. The bitch herself found a little helper."

Shepard was too slow; still dazed from Morinth's attack, she overpowered him. He didn't have time to shield himself and she lifted him into the air. He was thrown backwards and only a brief burst of his own biotics stopped him from slamming against the low table and floor hard enough to shatter bones, but it still hurt like hell.

"Morinth!" Samara thrust her hand forward and Morinth was hauled into the air, dark energy pulling at her body and slamming her back into the window. The glass cracked and splintered.

"Are you alright, Shep?"

Shepard winced as Kasumi helped him up. Okay, perhaps he wasn't as uninjured as he thought. His ribs definitely hurt more than he thought was normal. "Shit…"

"I can't choose to stop being your daughter, Mother!" Morinth yelled from where she was suspended against the glass.

"You made your choice long ago."

Shepard could hear the pain in Samara's voice. It was cleverly hidden, but it was there. Kasumi squeezed his hand. He wasn't even sure when she had taken it into hers.

"My only crime was being born!" Morinth countered.

Shepard grabbed Kasumi and pulled her out of the way as Morinth broke free of her mother's hold and a desk sailed towards them. The desk shattered against the wall and Shepard could feel Kasumi breathing against his neck. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer as he huddled into the corner. He still felt groggy, his side aching – he was in no shape to help Samara. Not in a fight between biotics.

"Enough, Morinth!" Samara threw Morinth back against the ground. "You are a disease!"

"Assist me!" Morinth was looking towards him now. "I am as strong as she is. Let me join you!"

Furniture floated around them, haloed in blue energy. Morinth was as strong as Samara. They fought with equal ferocity; Morinth wanted to be free, Samara wanted to atone. Shepard reached down and drew Kasumi's pistol from its holster. She looked at him but she had her hands pressed to his side. He raised the gun and aimed. One bullet, just enough to wing Morinth, slicing across her shoulder. Morinth hissed in pain and her concentration broke. Samara didn't waste the opportunity.

"Find peace in the embrace of the Goddess."

So quick. Just like that. Samara didn't give Morinth another chance. She killed her.

"Samara, he's bleeding!"

Shepard looked at Kasumi. She was yelling something else to Samara now. He looked down and saw the pool of blood, staring at it with an odd fascination. Kasumi's gloves were covered in blood. He shouldn't be bleeding from a cracked rib. He raised his hand to Kasumi's cheek and ran the back of his fingers across her skin. She was very pretty, he thought idly. He couldn't really understand why she was so concerned. It was just a bit of blood.

"I'm fine," he said. "Let's just go back to the _Normandy._ Jeff's waiting." Shepard smiled. Yeah…Jeff was waiting for him. He really wanted to wrap his arms around Joker's shoulders, pull him back against his chest, touch his lips to his neck and just sit with him, quiet and warm and safe. No guns, no death, no blood.

He looked down at his fingers and the smear of bright blood on Kasumi's cheek.

* * *

Shepard opened his eyes and tried to sit up. He could feel someone holding him down, hands on his shoulders. He struggled, everything in front of him a blur of white and chrome and blinding light.

"Calm down, Commander!"

"It's us!"

He was breathing hard but he settled against the medical bed, his eyes adjusting to vision. He saw Kasumi's face first, hovering over him.

"You 'lright?" he asked, his voice raking through his throat.

She smiled and he could see the slight damp in her eyes. "Of course I'm alright, you idiot." Kasumi stroked his hair.

"What happened?" He looked around the medical bay. A drip was running into his arm, red blood flowing through the tubes. "Get this shit out of me." He reached down and pulled the needle out of his vein.

"Commander!" Chakwas hurried back over and pressed the buttons on the console quickly. "You've lost a lot of blood."

"I'll be fine," he said and rubbed his arm. The blood spread across his skin from the jab in his arm. "I feel fine. What happened?"

Kasumi looked at Chakwas. The Doctor nodded. "When Morinth threw you and you landed on that table, a piece must have broken off." Kasumi placed a piece of gauze against his arm and taped it into place. "When you grabbed me out of the way, the wood pierced straight through your ribs. Almost punctured your lung until it was torn back out. Chakwas is right – you lost a lot of blood."

"I'm getting kind of sick of waking up here," Shepard said.

Kasumi laughed and went back to stroking his hair. "You should really stop trying to be a hero then," she said.

"But then I'd have to change my middle names from 'stupid' and 'reckless'," he replied. "How long was I out?"

"Only about twelve hours. Long enough for Joker to go insane with worry. EDI was the only one that could convince him to start his shift on the bridge and that was only because she goaded him into it. Said he probably wouldn't be able to fly properly being so worried about you and of course he wasn't going to stand for that and off he went to prove her wrong."

"I merely stated that if he were too distracted crewman Hawthorne would be more than capable of filling his shift today."

"I'm sure he loved that. Can see why he went," Shepard said. He sat up slowly, wincing as he felt his side twinge in pain. A new scar; but a scar he earned.

"I must insist you get at least three days rest, Commander. Your flesh needs to heal and even with Cerberus upgrades it will take time to replenish lost blood. Three days is not anywhere near ample time to do this, but I don't think you are going to accept any longer." Chakwas handed him a shirt. "Don't make me hand command to Miss Lawson. You will listen to me this time. Three days, understand?"

Shepard winced again as he pulled the shirt over his head. "Ugh, sure. Three days. I think I can use the time. Kind of hurts like a bitch. You know, one day I'm going to go on a mission that doesn't involve guns, or crazy cults, or psychotic mind-raping asari – something like drinking tea with a fascinating scientist."

"You'd be bored," Kasumi said.

"I dunno, I don't mind tea."

"Come by some time, then. I've got some great Japanese tea I think you'd like," Kasumi said. She leant forward then and hugged him. "Thanks for pulling me out of the way."

Her voice spoke of regret, guilt even. She blamed herself for his injury. But he didn't argue with her, knowing it wouldn't do any good, but he would take her up on that offer of tea some time.

"Go see Jeff," Chakwas said after Kasumi left the room.

"Chakwas…can I ask you something?" Shepard said.

"I'm not a counsellor, Commander, but I help where I can."

Shepard picked at his nail. "I'm worried that I'm going to hurt him," he said. This mission was serious. The Collectors were planning on hitting Earth and they had to stop them at any cost. But that meant that there was a very real possibility that none of them would make it back from the Collector base. Joker had the best chance of taking the _Normandy_ and getting him and the crew out of there, but if it came down to the wire…would he leave? If they became more entangled with each other, if their feelings grew deeper, would Joker actually be able to take the _Normandy_ and leave if ordered? And if he did go, would he fall straight back into the depression that had seized him two years ago?

"We're going through the Omega 4 relay, we're going to stop the Collectors, but I don't know if I'll be coming back. It was hard enough for him two years ago, but if we…" He couldn't finish his sentence. He looked up at Chakwas.

"Commander… I can't solve these problems for you. But I will ask you: Do you think you can give him up now?"

Could he give him up? No. He didn't think he could. He'd been willing to back off if Joker hadn't wanted to pursue anything further, but now that he knew his feelings were shared he couldn't not pursue this. This was the man that made him feel like he had a place in the universe, and that made him feel safe even if everything seemed to be going wrong. When Morinth had invaded his mind, it had been the thought of returning to Joker that had kept him grounded and reminded him that there was more waiting for him if he just pulled away.

He smiled. "Thanks, Chakwas."

* * *

The blue aura around Samara dissipated. "How are you feeling?" she asked.

"Oh, you know, like someone tried to rip out some organs but luckily failed. I'll be fine. How are you doing?"

Samara stood. She walked to the glass, staring out into the space around Omega. "I just killed the bravest and smartest of my daughters. For the first time in 400 years, I am free. I am a ruined vessel of sorrow and regret, but I am free. It is not a feeling I can describe."

"You did what you had to do," Shepard said. He winced as he felt his side pull and opted to sit on the lounge. Having a few days off was definitely a gift he could live with. He really had been pushing himself.

"Yes, as did she." Samara turned to face him. "One of my daughters is dead. My hopes, my dreams… But my feelings have always come after my duty. The same is true of you."

An uncomfortable feeling settled in his stomach as Samara said that. Seemed that everyone had their own opinion on when duty and feelings should collide and he didn't know what to think. Samara had loved, had started a family and lived her life, only to have it all turn out like this. But no one could deny themselves a life just because it might go wrong one day. He wouldn't do that to himself.

Samara returned to her place on the floor, the blue biotic aura surrounding her as she began her meditations. "Thank you, Shepard. I am at peace."

Shepard nodded and left. He doubted he would have much to do with Samara after this moment but they respected each other and Samara was loyal to his cause; she would follow him into battle, drag him out if that's what it came to in the end.

They were different people but this whole ordeal had given him an idea of what to do with one of his other problems onboard.

He pressed the panel to Miranda's quarters and the doors slid open.

"Shepard. How are you feeling?"

As usual, it was hard to decipher whether her concern was real or just practised grace. "We need to talk," he said and let the doors close behind him.

"Yes, I suppose we do," she said. Miranda pushed her hair back away from her face and Shepard was acutely aware that she didn't know _quite_ what to do with herself. She seemed like she wanted to sit back down, but decided against that and leaning against the desk, but looked uncomfortable standing.

"I'm not going to yell at you, Miss Lawson. Don't get so jittery."

"I am not—" She stopped mid sentence and looked away. "Commander, perhaps it's better that what needs to be said remains unsaid? I made a mistake. We can leave it at that."

"Not getting out of it that easily," he said. He took her hand, much to her surprise, and pulled her over to the bed and sat her down. Miranda's cheeks flushed pink and she stared at the sheets.

"Now," Shepard started and sat next to her. "You know that I'm—"

"I know." Miranda pursed her lips closed, her eyes narrowing slightly.

"I can't help that. But I like you, Miri. Not like that, of course, but…I don't think you do either."

She looked at him now, confused. Shepard took her hands into his and she stared at their entwined fingers.

"You spent two years of your life on me. That's longer than some people have relationships for. Two years you learnt everything there was about me, spent all your time with me. I wasn't able to talk to you, or to hold you, but I was there with you. It's understandable that you would feel more for me than the overseer of a project should."

Miranda tried to pull her hands away but Shepard stopped her, giving both her hands a careful squeeze.

"You love me but not like a partner would. There's no sexual chemistry here – you know that. That's just what people expect there to be when a man and a woman feel a connection. I don't know how much people can remember while in a coma, but I remember you, Miranda. I remember your voice, your smell, and the way you touched me. I remember seeing your smile when I woke up and how calm it made me feel. I haven't seen that sort of smile in a very long time – not since I was sixteen."

"Commander, that's ridiculous, I'm not your mother."

"No, you're not. But you smile just like her. You never had a mom, so trust me on this one. I remember when I was little…" He bit back a slight laugh. "I had this bad dream. I can't even remember what it was about, but I came screaming into my parent's room crying and talking a mile a minute. My Mom kicked my Dad out of the room and made him sleep on the couch so I could sleep in the bed with her. I had my head on her lap and she stroked my hair and said 'now the bad dreams can't get you anymore' and I fell asleep."

"I always wondered what it would be like to have a mother," Miranda said. "So I promised myself that one day my child would have the perfect childhood. That I would be the perfect mother. But…"

Shepard moved to sit on the ground in front of her. He laid his head on her lap and closed his eyes. In his mind he could see his Mom's face, with her dark eyes and hair, that look she got when she smiled at him. She had spoken in a variety of languages; English, Korean, German, Galactic Trade, and swore in a few more thinking he wouldn't understand her. He remembered the way she had acted, always light and playful, even at work and especially with his father. His Dad would spin her around in the lounge room and the dog would bark and she would grin at him on the lounge where he'd been reading a book and told him that things weren't always serious and it never did anyone any good to be constantly buried in a book. He remembered family meals, birthdays, Christmas, scraped knees and hugs. He remembered thinking about how much he loved her.

Miranda's fingers ran through his hair. He held back the tears for what he'd lost and felt a droplet fall on his cheek from above.

* * *

"So, think you can take a break?" Shepard asked, leaning against the wall. Hawthorne smiled from the Navigations chair and coughed in an attempt to hide his laugh.

Joker spun his chair around. He looked Shepard up and down, as if trying to see visible signs of his injury. "I've only been here a few hours."

"I can take over!" Hawthorne said. "We're clear of the debris field around Omega and there's been nothing on the scanners worth noting."

"Crewman Hawthorne is correct, Mr Moreau. My observations of your behaviour today have indicated you are highly stressed. This is not conducive to a productive shift. My recommendations would include raising your regular calorie intake to increase energy and to seek an environment free from stress."

Joker looked at the blue holographic orb of EDI. "Thanks for the analysis, _Doc._ "

"Or I could just wait here until your shift is over," Shepard said and shrugged. "That's what, another three, maybe four hours? I don't mind waiting. Do whatever it is you do on shift when people are watching."

Joker frowned. "Hey, I do things. I sometimes press up to five buttons at a time. Sometimes, stuff even happens."

Hawthorne laughed but looked away when Joker glared at him.

"I suppose I could take a break," Joker said and Shepard nodded. "Fine. Geez. If we crash into Omega, it's not my fault."

Hawthorne pouted but decided against saying anything; inciting Joker's wrath was just not worth it.

Joker hauled himself out of his chair and Shepard tried to suppress his look of concern for the effort the motion seemed to take. He knew Joker was too proud to accept help, so he waited and smiled when Joker reached his side. They walked in silence but Shepard got well wishes from most of the crew that walked past.

"So, what were you thinking this time?" Joker asked as soon as the doors to the Captain's Cabin slid closed.

"Uhh…get you all to myself for the afternoon?"

"No, not that. Last night. Take your shirt off."

"What?"

"Off! You scared the hell out of me. Take it off."

Shepard didn't argue. Joker's voice had raised just enough to make it clear he was serious and the fear in his tone was unmistakable. He pulled the t-shirt over his head and threw it at the desk; whether it actually made it or not, he had no idea. He found himself with his arms full of the pilot. Joker held his arms around Shepard's neck, pressing himself against him.

"Don't keep doing this to me," Joker said against his ear.

Shepard put his arms around Joker's waist and held him. Maybe this was wrong. He was a Marine, a Spectre – he had a dangerous job. He couldn't promise not to get hurt; he couldn't even promise he wouldn't die again.

"We need to talk…" Shepard said and slowly pushed Joker away from him.

"Isn't that the sort of thing people say when they're planning on breaking up? Cuz I don't really know what _this_ is but I didn't really think it was fit for clichés."

"Come sit with me." Shepard took Joker's hand and squeezed it, careful of his fingers. He hated 'talks', but he couldn't just ignore this, just like he couldn't have continued to ignore Miranda.

"Okay, now you're really scaring me. Are you dying or something? Infectious space bacteria? Weird alien organism growing in your chest?" Joker sat down on the end of the bed. "If that thing escapes I'm not going to be able to hunt it down, you do know that, right?"

"No, nothing like that. I'm not dying, at least not yet." And he could tell Joker was eyeing the new scar that ran between his ribs. "But that's what I wanted to talk about. I just… If I…" Shepard rubbed his hand back and forth over his forehead. This was too hard. How did he even start without sounding petty or stupid?

"I'm not letting you get away."

Shepard dropped his hand away from his forehead. "Huh?"

"No. Simple as that. Whatever you were going to say…no."

"What do you mean, 'no'? You can't just say no without even hearing what I was going to say."

"Yeah, well, I think I just did. Deal with it."

Shepard stared at him and Joker stared straight back. There was defiance, stubbornness, a touch of fear, and Shepard had to smile. It was so typically Joker. "Well there goes my very not thought-out conversation," Shepard said.

"Just want to make sure you know where we stand."

Shepard nodded and brushed his thumb across Joker's lip. "Yeah, got it. I just… I don't want to hurt you, Jeff." He touched the line of Joker's beard and traced it up to his hair line before removing his cap, placing it on the bed next to them.

"By breaking my bones or the 'I'm going to make you cry' sort of hurt? Not a big fan of either."

"The second, though, the first is kind of a worry, too."

"Well the first…as long as you don't plan on actually jumping my bones, we should be totally fine and…wow, red is an excellent colour on you, Commander."

Tris cleared his throat and glanced away. He hadn't really been expecting that.

"The second all kind of depends on what you were going to say but keep in mind that I already told you that you can't back out of this so just don't even go down that path, just so you know, don't like repeating myself."

"I don't see my feelings for you as any kind of distraction, Jeff, but I need to know that if you're given the order…you'll take the _Normandy_ and go. Get yourself, the crew and any survivors to safety if you can. That will mean leaving me behind."

Joker opened his mouth to complain but Shepard held up his hand. "The _Normandy_ will be in your hands. The lives of the crew will be in your hands. If that means leaving me behind on the base and getting back through the relay, you've gotta do it, no matter what your feelings for me are. And if that happens…you need to continue your life. I can't do this knowing I could hurt you more for sharing what time we have."

Joker was silent. It was a lot of information and a lot of demands – an ultimatum, even – to get in such a short space of time. Shepard had to let him digest the rules to their 'engagement'. He didn't like to think of it as a rule but the thought that he might hurt Joker more just by sharing this time with him was eating him up inside and he couldn't continue without knowing where they stood. If the tables were turned and Joker was the one running out onto the battlefield, Shepard would completely understand his hesitance. How could you turn and run when the person you…

Person he what? The thought stuck in his mind, impudent, annoyed that it had been overlooked for so long. He had been heading towards person he _loved._ But that seemed rash. He couldn't make a snap judgement like that on something so important. The person he cared for. Cared for _a lot._

"Somehow we got involved in this," Joker said finally. "So I mean it: I'm not letting you get away. If it does come…to that…I'll be the perfect soldier. The other bit though, I can't promise and you can't expect me to! What the hell would you do? You know, just because you're off planet hopping and throwing yourself into danger, getting shot at and stabbed and stuff doesn't mean you're the only one in danger. I could fall outta my chair and kill myself. Or the _Normandy_ could be blown up while you're off recruiting another psychopath. What then? It's all very well and good to say you'd just move on and save the galaxy and all but—"

Shepard closed his eyes as he kissed Joker, feeling the warmth spread through his body that had become an icy shell. How was it that Joker could exactly tell what he had been thinking and throw it right back in his face? The fear of suddenly losing him strangled his chest, clutching at his breath. He laced his fingers with Joker's as he kissed him. Joker's other hand was on his bare chest, sliding down his muscles and seeking the new scar between his ribs.

"It's alright," Shepard said, his lips brushing against Joker's as he spoke. "I'm fine."

Joker looked down. His fingers touched the edges of the sutures and the bruised skin pulled over ribs and flesh. Shepard leaned forward, pressing his lips to Joker's forehead.

"I don't think I'm ever going to get over you scaring the absolute shit out of me whenever you're on a mission or worrying myself to death if you come back injured. Just hope you know that. Maybe it'll knock some sense into you and you'll think next time you chuck yourself at a krogan twice your size."

"Twice? They're at least three times my size."

Joker punched him.


	25. Can't Buy Loyalty

Joker hit his chair, his body a lead weight. Everything _ached._ He supposed that was what he got for sitting up with Tris half the bloody night. He rubbed at his knee, the joint giving an aggravated _click_ for his trouble. Like usual, he'd meant to leave, but he found he just couldn't do it. Tris had been so comfortable, so happy. He'd fallen asleep with his arm curled almost protectively around Joker's waist in the middle of the vid they'd been watching. Okay, so he could have slipped away and Tris probably wouldn't have even stirred but…

"You are becoming a sap, Moreau," he said to himself and leant back in his chair.

"Is there something wrong, Mr Moreau?" EDI asked. The hologram appeared next to him.

"No, nothing, go back to…sleep? Guess you don't sleep. Go back to spying on everyone silently and don't give me that look, we all know you do."

"I am incapable of giving any kind of look, Mr Moreau," EDI answered. "However it must be noted that you are early for your next shift by several hours. This generally occurs when you are suffering insomnia."

Joker swivelled his chair back and forth, staring out into the space around Omega. He'd chased off the crewman sitting his watch and sent him to bed early, but there was less than half an hour until the mid-watch would arrive. He supposed he could go to bed.

"Yeah, insomnia…" he said. If only it was insomnia. Insomnia he was used to, even comfortable with in a neurotic kind of way. No, this was good old-fashioned sexual tension keeping him awake.

Now, in his mind, things were supposed to go one of two ways based on Shepard's reaction to his attraction. The first included the Commander laughing in his face and telling him he'd never be interested in a cripple; self-depreciation really was one of Joker's skills by now. The second had included him, Shepard, the Captain's Cabin and a locked door. That hadn't happened either. Not that he minded Shepard taking this slow, hell maybe it was even kind of nice. He knew Shepard would never be interested in anyone just for a cheap lay but Tris made him feel _special_ and not in the 'careful, don't say anything bad about the cripple' way. He didn't think he would give that up for the world but the body did have an awful way of making itself and its urges damn well known.

Joker shifted awkwardly in his chair. Just thinking about all the sex he wasn't getting was making the damn problem even worse.

"Is there something wrong?" EDI asked.

"No!" he said, his voice way too loud, but goddamn, that was not a conversation he was going to be having with the damn AI. "Look, just, ignore me. Pretend I'm not here."

"You are asking me to disregard your presence here on the bridge?"

"Exactly."

For the next fifteen minutes EDI was respectfully silent. Until Hadley arrived.

"Hey, EDI," he said.

"Good evening, crewman Hadley."

Joker spun his chair around. Hadley was a good guy. He liked mid-watch and completed all his tasks with few to no problems. Luckily for him Joker generally wouldn't crawl into his bed for at least another hour or so, so Hadley got an hour more free personal time than most of the other flight crew.

"Oh, hey Joker!" Hadley said. He gave a weak salute. "Staying here for a while? I can clear off."

Joker sucked at his top lip in thought. He could stay. He wasn't really enthusiastic about the prospect though. "You know, Hadley, I'm gonna try get a cup of coffee down and get some sleep. Looks like you've got a full shift ahead."

"Damn. Well, suppose I can't always get lucky." He snapped another salute as Joker left.

Joker could hear EDI speaking with Hadley as he headed away. Hadley seemed more than happy to talk. Still, it probably didn't question his mood and motives every damn second of the day. He headed down to the crew deck. It was dead this time of night, most of the crew asleep or at their terminals in the CIC, so he had the entire Mess to himself. Himself and the incessant hum of the ship. Just them, alone, all by themselves.

Cup of coffee in hand he sat at the table and rested his legs up on the chair next to him. At his terminal he could have watched a vid, or played a game but damned if he could keep his mind on anything at the moment.

"What's up, Fly Boy?"

Joker started and sat up straight, his feet hitting the ground. Pain sparked in his ankles and knees and he winced back a cry of pain.

"Shit, you didn't fuckin' break anything, did you?" Jack asked. She almost looked concerned.

He moved his ankle and flexed his toes. "No…just hurts like a bitch."

"That would be all I need," Jack said. She sat in the chair across from him and leant forward on the table. "Being responsible for the Commander's boy toy breaking a leg or some shit."

"I wouldn't exactly be happy either, you know."

"Yeah but I ain't worried you're going to kill me."

"Everyone always underestimates the crippled guy," Joker said. Underestimated, was afraid of hurting… Someone would think he was going to break every bone in his body just firing a pistol or fracture his fingers jerking off with the way people treated him.

"You look pissed, Fly Boy."

He wanted to remind her of his name, since she seemed incapable of using it, but he thought better of the notion. He might be aggravated and pissed off, but there was no point in inciting the wrath of a fellow crazy person, especially one capable of tearing him in half with biotics.

"Long day," he decided on eventually.

"Maybe for you. Can't get my mind off shit on this fuckin' ship. Too damn quiet. No release, either. At least you're getting screwed."

Joker figured a lot of people would be turned off purely listening to Jack speak, but he'd spent most of his life around enlisted men and women or worse – he'd heard it all. "Yeah…" He took another sip of coffee.

Jack stared at him and then laughed. "Ah shit, didn't see that coming! Goddamn, he hasn't fucked you yet, has he?"

"Goddamn, can you at least try to be a little ladylike?" Joker swore something else under his breath. "It's none of your damn business, anyway."

"And here I was thinking he'd just turned me down. Maybe it's gotta do with him? Can't get it up?"

Joker slammed the coffee mug down on the table, way harder than he meant to, but the thing was metal and wasn't about to break. "You need to learn when to shut the hell up."

So she'd touched on a nerve; Jack couldn't have known that. Not that it mattered much to her, but Joker had a particular way of losing his self-preservation instincts when challenged directly. Or when he was drunk. But perhaps it was more of an insult that Jack didn't rise to his challenge. She leant back in her chair and smirked. She didn't see him as a threat; she didn't see him as anything.

"Calm down," she said. "After all, what do I know? Maybe I'm just jealous because he'd rather fuck you than me?"

Her smile unsettled him. He knew that Jack didn't really have any particular hatred for him, hell, she probably didn't even think about him, but her personality leaned more towards the chaotic. She might just try to destroy him for the sheer hell of it. She wasn't above the notion.

"It does explain why you're so goddamn catty, though," Jack continued. "So what it is? Is he afraid he's going to break you? Hell, I'd usually say it was because he just wasn't that into you, but he seems fuckin' fascinated with your broken ass. Almost makes me wonder what the hell is so special about you."

"Everything," he said. Any other night he could have put up with the razzing, the teasing, but Jack was hitting right on a very _sore_ spot at the moment. Truth was that Tris _was_ afraid of hurting him; he'd admitted as much. Tris had never treated him like a cripple, never acted any different around him. Tris trusted him and trusted the _Normandy_ to him and geez, it wasn't like he'd never had sex before. Being a pilot, even a crippled one, had its benefits, and he'd never broken a bone before while flying in the bedroom – okay, he'd fractured his tibia once but that one was his own damn fault. Though that girl had certainly run a mile…

"Look," he said. "Can you just do me a huge favour and back off? Leave a guy to his own pain and misery, would you? Don't try to make it worse."

"Hey, it's not my bloody fault that—"

"Am I interrupting something? Seems like an important discussion," Kasumi said. She was holding a glass of what might be milk, or might be white water considering what passed as milk these days, and a cookie straight out of a ration pack.

Jack looked up and over her shoulder at Kasumi. "Hey. I was just leaving." She stood, the chair scraping against the floor. "Enjoy the rest of your night, _Fly Boy._ "

Kasumi nibbled on the edge of her cookie as she watched Jack leave.

"You have no idea how glad I am you're here," Joker said. "And that's rare; because it's usually you that's giving me shit."

Kasumi smiled and sat down in Jack's previous chair. "A little birdie told me you could use some rescuing. Truth be told, I was right in the middle of the best part of one of my favourite books, so you owe me."

"Uh-huh and this little birdie wouldn't be blue and white and somewhat holographic, would it?"

"I'll never tell. Though she was quite insistent I maintain the fragile stability of the crew dynamic and make sure you didn't get your head torn from your delicate shoulders. She seems to quite like your head exactly where it is."

Joker held his fingers against the bridge of his nose, trying to stifle the pain there.

"But seeing as though you do owe me now, I believe you should probably tell me what that was all about. A bit of hot gossip and I'll call it even."

"It was nothing."

Kasumi grinned. "If it was nothing as often as you said it was nothing then I wouldn't keep asking. But generally 'nothing' means 'something' and hence, I'm asking."

Joker stared at her. He supposed, eventually, he was going to have to admit that Kasumi was probably one of the best friends he had. He'd always gotten along with Alenko, been reasonably friendly with Tali, and occasionally chatted with Garrus before he left the ship, but he'd never really been friends with any of them. Not really. But here was Kasumi, who seemed to _like_ spending time with him and who he maybe even liked spending time with. She wasn't all bad. They even had a lot in common.

"I don't think I really want to be having this conversation with you," he said and shook his head. "Last thing I need is for people to laugh at me as I drag my ass through CIC in the morning. Oh, haha, there goes Joker, the _cripple_."

Kasumi didn't so much as blink. She was a master of hiding her thoughts and tailoring her expressions, after all, so Joker couldn't really determine what she thought.

"You should come to my quarters and we can talk over a drink. That way anything you tell me you can blame entirely on the alcohol. Come on!" Kasumi stood, holding the remainder of her cookie in her mouth, and beckoned him after her.

And against what might be his better judgement, he followed. He sat at the bar and Kasumi placed a glass of pink liquid in front of him and poured something else into her glass of milk.

"How exactly did you manage to get this whole room to yourself, anyway?" Joker asked. "In fact, how did most of you _recruits_ get entire rooms to yourselves? I'd sleep in the damn trash compactor room if someone offered it to me."

Kasumi smiled. "You're nowhere near important enough for the compactor room, Joker. That's reserved for true hard-arses. Besides, I think you'll be upgrading to better quarters pretty soon. I'll be jealous of you."

"If you're insinuating what I think you are I'm going to have to ask you step away from the romance books." He took a swig from his glass and made a face as the sickly sweet liquid slid down his throat. "Ugh, what is this?"

"No? It's Asari liquor. I thought I'd start you on something a little lighter before we hit the paint thinner, but fine." She poured him a glass of scotch. "This stuff is probably older than you are. Just…don't ask where I got it from."

"My lips are sealed."

Kasumi leant against the bar and watched him drink. He tried not to look at her, but he didn't really have much choice after a few minutes of silence. "Okay, what do you want me to say?"

"Whatever you want to say," Kasumi said. Her lips quirked into that smile that just screamed that she had a secret.

Joker leant back, his bar stool rocking before he steadied it against the floor. Damn it. Kasumi had heard. "Alright, fine, the pathetic cripple can't even have sex with his _boyfriend_." He let that word spill out of his mouth with contempt, because he thought it was stupid. It sounded so immature. "He'll break his friggin' legs or…" He sucked down the last of the scotch in the glass. "…or shatter his pelvis or something, which is just crap."

Kasumi smirked and leant her head against her hand. "And who told you that? Because generally it's fairly easy to spot a _virgin_ , and I don't quite get those vibes off you. Honestly, if Shepard hadn't jumped first, I think I would have. You're cute."

Joker rolled his eyes.

"No, really!" She poured him another drink but took the glass before he could and went to sit on the couch.

"C'mon, Kasumi. I'm in a really fucking bad mood, okay?" Joker stepped down off the bar stool tentatively. The floor was a little further away than he generally liked. But Kasumi had his drink, which he could really use right now. She waved the glass at him and he sat next to her, swiping it back and bringing it to his lips.

"I never lie, Joker. Unless I have to, or unless it's fun, or if I want something. But otherwise, I never lie. I mean it – you're cute. Shepard's a lucky bastard."

Joker was about to complain again. Compliments like that never sat well with him. Kasumi's arm came to rest around the back of his neck and she slid, like a languid cat, to sit in his lap. Joker just about inhaled his tongue and he held his hands away from her. "What the hell are you doing?" he spluttered out.

"Am I crushing your legs? Breaking your bones?"

"Of course not, but you're on my lap and it's really weird. Shit…" When he inhaled, Kasumi smelled like…spices, flowers, perhaps a perfume? No, she wouldn't wear perfume.

"Well, from what I can see then, if me sitting on you isn't breaking any bones…" She smiled at him; that damn smug quirk of her lips that he was coming to associate with being totally screwed over for the fun of it. "I think that Shepard would be as careful as he had to with you, don't you? He does like you an awful lot."

Joker rubbed at his nose. He felt uncomfortable. He'd left his hat in Shepard's quarters, so he didn't even have that to hide under. "You're still in my lap."

"Well, look at that! So I am. You are very observant," she said. Kasumi giggled – damn, he wished she wouldn't do that! – and shifted in his lap.

"And you really need to stop doing that. There's a reason I wasn't sleeping, okay? Me and the little pilot aren't on speaking terms at the moment."

Kasumi was too damn smug. She touched his cheek with her bare fingers, seeming to appraise the facial hair across his jaw. "I'm going to give you a lesson in taking what you want, Mr Moreau," she said.

Kasumi leant forward then and touched her lips to his. The kiss was soft, not at all demanding but it took all his will power not to return the simple gesture. "Now," she said. "Finish your drink for some dumb courage, get in the elevator, and go to his cabin and get what you want." She slid out of his lap and returned to her corner, drawing her legs up against her chest.

Joker did exactly as he was told. He downed the rest of the liquid in his glass without even feeling the burn and set the glass on the floor. Kasumi just smiled at him and wiggled her fingers at his departure. It wasn't until he was standing in front of Shepard's cabin did he actually stop and appraise what the shit he was doing. He was not this person. He wasn't like Kasumi…or Tris… Dammit, they were spookily alike; Kasumi slightly more chaotic, Tris the upholder of the law, but otherwise like two pieces of a whole. He'd never even seen it before.

But perhaps it made his friendship with Kasumi a little easier to understand.

The doors to the cabin slid open and Joker peered inside. He hadn't pressed the button. EDI's holographic image was to his left.

"Mr Moreau," EDI said. "I have opened the doors for you as I believe it is best if you assist the Commander to his bed. He has previously asked me to wake him if he was to fall asleep at his console. However, my previous attempts have proved to alarm him. Perhaps you will have better luck."

"Thanks, EDI," Joker said and the avatar disappeared. Shepard was slumped over his extranet console wearing Joker's SR-2 cap. Joker smiled and felt his chest swell. Tris had missed him. He looked at EDI's podium again. "Hey, EDI…"

"Yes, Mr Moreau?"

"Do me a favour and grab a picture of that, would you? He'll never live it down."

There was silence for a moment and Joker folded his arms, watching Tris sleep.

"Would you like me to upload the picture to your console, Mr Moreau?"

The comment was almost offhanded, but he knew EDI didn't do anything casually. It wasn't programmed to. "Yeah…yeah, I do." He crossed the floor and leant against the bulkhead separating the living quarters from the upper area of the cabin. "Hey Tris," he said, louder than he and EDI had been speaking before. "You shouldn't sleep there."

It didn't get much of a reaction. Tris was fast asleep, which just proved how much he needed the rest, regardless of what he kept saying. Joker moved a little closer but out of range of anything other than an instinctive biotic reaction. "Tris. C'mon, you're going to get a hell of a crick in your neck there."

Tris startled awake, sitting bolt upright. His eyes were red, bleary, and he clutched at the hat to stop it falling off his head. He looked up and the smile eased across his expression. "Jeff…"

"Yup, that's my name. Not even sick of hearing it yet. Come on, that's no place to sleep."

Shepard looked at his console, his expression full of curiosity, as though he wasn't sure how he'd gotten there. "I thought you'd be asleep by now," he said.

"Nah, when do I ever sleep? I…" Great, now he had to come up with a reason why he was here. "I came back for my hat. Feel naked without it. Keeps my hair warm."

Tris' hand went up to his head to remove the cap but he stopped short and grinned. "Y'know, I think I'll keep it," he said. He stood and brushed past Joker, stepping down into the living quarters.

"What? Hey, you can't. That's mine!"

Shepard shrugged. "Dunno, I could use a hat. Besides…this one smells like you."

"Like sweat and who knows what else, then? That's just disgusting. Give it back."

Shepard sat down on his side of the bed and keyed a few buttons onto his alarm, shutting off the light music that filtered through his cabin. "I'll think about giving it back in the morning."

"You just want me to show up for shift without my hat, don't you? You'll be standing with Garrus, having a good laugh, I bet. That's not fair – I can't exactly steal something of yours and hold it hostage. Pretty sure there are stipulations against playing pranks on your CO."

"I'm asking you to stay."

"Oh." The sound slipped out before he even had time to register what had been said. Stay. Stay here. Well…that's what he'd planned to do, right? Except when he'd gotten here he hadn't had the courage to do anything about it. Was all prepared to tuck Tris into bed, kiss him on the cheek, and let him get some sleep.

"Catch."

Joker instinctively held his hands out and Shepard's t-shirt landed in his grasp.

"You can keep that in return. If you don't trust me, that is."

"My hat is _not_ the same as your old t-shirt! That's just insulting."

"Yeah, but those Cerberus uniforms are pretty damn uncomfortable to sleep in."

Joker sat on the other side of the bed. Why the hell was he suddenly so damn uncomfortable? This wasn't exactly how he imagined this would go, though. Again.

"You want me to stay."

"You don't want to? Shit, I just…" Shepard moved behind him and Joker flinched at the touch on his shoulder. "This is going to sound stupid, but…can you stay, as a favour? Yeah, that sounds stupid."

He looked over his shoulder. "A favour? Is this like the world's worst pick-up line or something, because I thought I'd already convinced you that you got me."

Shepard laughed. "No, no, not that. Look, I find it really hard to sleep." He wound his arm around Joker's waist and placed a kiss on the back of his neck. "Except when you were here before. I don't even remember falling asleep. And, here, wait…" He brought up a message on his Omni-tool, having to put his other arm around Joker to reach, now pressed flush up against his back. "It sounds stupid but, God, I just didn't want to see this tonight."

Joker flicked through the message and froze. Pain flooded through his nerves as the air seemed to constrict in him. He felt Shepard rest his head against the back of his neck but otherwise it was like being dropped into zero-g and the crushing lack of atmosphere.

"I'm sorry, but you would have gotten the same message eventually."

"They found the _Normandy_ …"

"Yeah. On Alchera. What's left of her is down there."

Images of the _Normandy_ going down assaulted him. Shit, every time they put this behind them, it came right back.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. But if anyone deserves to know, it's you." Shepard closed the message and slipped away. The sheets on the bed shuffled. "You can go back to the crew cabin if you want."

Joker heard him mumble something else but it wasn't at all clear. It shocked him back into the room and he let a small breath trickle past his lips. He looked over his shoulder and saw Shepard laying on his back, staring up at the closed blast screen, the SR-2 cap placed on the bedside table. This wasn't just about his feelings; Tris had to be feeling this too. The _Normandy_ had been their ship but the crew…the crew had been Shepard's. It was one thing to miss a ship, but it was an entirely different thing to feel responsible for the death of that crew.

He leant down and undid his boots, slipping them off. "I dunno how many times I've gotta keep saying it, but you're an idiot," he said. He stripped off his uniform, dropping it in a pile at the end of the bed, and pulled Tris' shirt over his head. It smelled just like him, warm still from his body heat. Maybe he could be talked into taking it hostage in the long term.

"You don't have to withhold bad news just to get me to spend the night, y'know. A simple 'Oh Joker, you're the sexiest man alive and I can't sleep another night without you—' Whoa!" He landed on top of Tris, who just grinned and held him. "Geez, you'll break something! I'm not exactly sturdy, Commander."

"Did you break anything?"

"No…"

"Then assume I know what I'm doing. I can treat things carefully. I'm not all explosions and breaking skulls. Cute boxers."

"I really wish people would stop calling me cute. Sexy. Manly. Tough and manly and stuff. Not _cute._ I'm not a puppy."

"Is that why you grow the beard?" Shepard asked.

"That's right. I'm so manly that the testosterone has to break out of my skin in the form of hair. You're just jealous because all you've got it this," he said and brushed the small patch of hair just under Shepard's lower lip. "Totally uncool."

"I don't grow it to be cool. I'm already a badass."

"Who doesn't want to sleep alone?" Joker asked, lowering his voice.

"Who doesn't want to sleep without you," Shepard corrected.

"Then consider me yours for the night. One Joker-sized teddy all to yourself." He slid away from Shepard and crawled under the sheet. The room wasn't cold – the ship was maintained to a comfortable 18 degrees Celsius at night – but it certainly wasn't hot enough that the idea of _snuggling_ was off-putting. Shepard latched onto him, pulling him closer. No, snuggling was definitely not bad.

"Anderson wants me to recover what I can from the wreckage…but I think we should give her a proper send off. Y'know? Doesn't seem right her down there, forgotten," Shepard said. Joker could feel his jaw moving against his hair.

"The attack wasn't your fault, Tris. You know that, right?"

Shepard nodded. "I know. There was nothing we could do. But they were my crew. I'll always feel responsible."

"And here I was thinking that no one was responsible. I may as well go back to my own guilt then if we're going to play it that way."

Shepard's hand skirted across his stomach, sliding under the shirt. "I'd prefer if you didn't. There's only so many mental problems we can deal with in here at once. Let me be the screw-up tonight."

Joker smiled. If Tris kept touching him he could have anything he damn well wanted. "Can I call you my screw-up yet? Or would that be weird? I don't really want you sharing your mental problems with the likes of Kelly."

Shepard cringed. "Nice enough girl, just way too damn perky. I think I've scared her off, though. She doesn't seem to bother me about my 'problems' anymore."

"That's because she bothers me," Joker said. "Damn near insisted I go speak with you. Damn…she's going to know I didn't go back to the crew quarters. Ah shit, that's the last thing I need tomorrow!"

Shepard laughed, his voice low, a rumble in his chest. He moved carefully, sliding one leg between Joker's and holding his weight up enough to be safe. "So what are you going to say happened?" he asked.

"Depends if I have to lie. Perhaps I'll tell her we were doing a jigsaw. Yep, awake all night looking for bits of duck and pond." He yelped as Shepard bit a little too hard at his neck, which got him an apologetic look but not much else. He ran his fingers across one of the glowing scars on Shepard's side.

"Still hideous, huh?" Shepard asked.

"No, not at all." He stroked Tris' cheek. When he looked at the scars, he didn't really see them anymore. They'd come to be the identifying marks of what had been returned to him. Not quite the same, not without complications, but definitely for the better. Jeff Moreau of the SR-1 would have never thought that this moment right here could have ever been possible and too bad for him, because Jeff Moreau of the _SR-2_ deserved this. He shifted slightly and his shoulder clicked. He winced and moved it, experimenting with its range of movement.

"Shit, sorry!" Shepard pulled away. Joker glared at him and held his arm firm around his waist.

"I'm not going to break, Tris."

"I know—Shit, I just don't want to hurt you."

Joker sighed. "You're not going to hurt me." A twinge of what he'd been so annoyed about earlier came back to bite at him; Jack teasing him, Kasumi telling him to come up here, and then seeing Tris asleep and all those thoughts leaving him. He took a deep breath. Tris didn't mean to hurt him, be it his body or his damn feelings. "Dammit, Tris. You're really messing with my head here, y'know? Making a guy feel damn unattractive and unwanted. But don't tell anyone I said that, because that'd be like admitting I had feelings or something."

Tris raised an eyebrow but shook off the comment. "How the hell can I make you feel unwanted? I have you in my bed, half undressed, with my hand up your shirt."

"And why has it taken you this long? And why are we talking when we could be having crazy, oh-boy-is-this-going-to-hurt-tomorrow sex?"

Tris tried to contain his laughter, biting at his lip and the scar there until the flesh went white. "This is your problem?" he blurted out finally and laughed.

"I didn't say you could laugh, though, just because you're not gonna tell anyone later. Geez."

"Ah, Jeff…" Shepard placed a kiss on his forehead, his cheek and finally against his lips. "Yes I'm afraid of hurting you. I'm afraid of hurting anyone."

"Who else d'you wanna have hot, crazy sex with?" he asked. It was hard to keep the petulant tone out of his voice now.

"No one, but I've had some pretty serious gene mods in my life, plus all the shit Cerberus did to me, and it's surprising I don't crush things picking them up. I _can_ hurt you – you of all people. I'm worried that if I get carried away, I'll hurt you. I'm worried that if I forget how fragile you can be, I'll hurt you."

Joker set his jaw and looked away. He didn't want Tris to have to worry about him every two seconds. He didn't want to be a liability or a joke.

Another kiss against the corner of his lips. "Jeff…remember what I was saying about limitations? It's nothing to be ashamed of. Yes, I'm going to worry about hurting you, because you _are_ fragile." Shepard placed his fingers against Joker's cheek and forced him to look up. "But for someone whose body can be so fragile, I need you a damn lot. You make me feel safe. I haven't felt safe in a damn long time."

"Yeah, because if you're ever in trouble I can break my arm at the enemy. They'll be shit-scared and turn tail and run."

"No, but you'll damn well protect me. Perhaps break every bone in your body doing it, but you wouldn't hesitate. And when you're here, nothing seems as bad anymore. Like I can live with myself, because someone wants me, too."

"Of course I want you."

"Then can't you trust that I want you, too? Goddamn…if this was just about sex, don't you think it'd be over and done with by now and you'd be back in the crew quarters and we'd never speak until next time I was horny? I was trying to make you realize that this wasn't what this was about and I make you feel unwanted? I want you here, and I want to do stupid things like watch vids with you, or go to bars, hell, you want a romantic picnic on the Citadel and I'll do it."

Joker wrinkled his nose and shook his head.

"Yeah, me either. But do you get what I'm saying? Yes, I'm afraid of hurting you and I can't help that you have Vrolik's, just as much as you can't help it, but that's not what's stopping me. I want to take this slow. I've had one-night stands and casual relationships before – not big on them. Guess I'm just weird."

"S'okay," Joker slurred. He ran his fingers over Tris' cheek. He didn't really know what to say. Something stuck in his throat and chest, pressing against his diaphragm. A muscle in his cheek twitched and he had to rub at his face to get it to settle. People didn't say things like that to him. He had to fight people, had to argue and push them away. The thought of pulling someone closer and casting down his own shoddily built walls was disconcerting. But here he was. "As long as you're sure it's me you want. Cuz there's some pretty sexy guys on board. Thane, Jacob? Even Garrus has that whole sexy voice thing going for him," he said. His voice still sounded strange; strained.

Shepard smirked. "Wanted you since the moment I saw you. Smug grin, green eyes, lazy drawl and awful, awful jokes. Dunno why I never went after it."

"Kaidan made a good distraction."

"Yeah." But it was obvious from the distant look in Shepard's eyes that he was just as unsure. "I was closer to you, though. I guess I have my own problems that I need to deal with. But I know what I want and most of the time I get it. I know I want you, despite your neuroses."

"Hey, me and my neuroses have had a long, healthy relationship. I won't have you bad-mouthing them like second-rate citizens."

"And now they have to share you with me," Shepard answered. He grinned and laced his fingers with Joker's, his other hand crawling along the waistband of his boxers. "But I believe I promised you a story for Kelly. If you're going to stay, that is…" His hand slipped under the cotton fabric and Joker cursed.

Shit yeah he was going to stay.

* * *

Shepard stepped out into the snow. The readouts on his HUD flashed the temperature and his suit brought up the internal temperature to compensate. Alchera was a frozen wasteland. There was nothing here except vast cliffs of ice and snow, the grey sky and the wreckage of the _Normandy_ lying in ruins around him.

It was surreal. Overwhelming. Twisted spires of metal grew out of the snow, lancing towards the sky. The same sky he had fallen through. Shepard trudged through the snow towards the remains, steeling himself for the worst. So many lives – the lives of good men, good soldiers – were lost aboard the _Normandy_. No one resurrected them. Their families didn't even know what happened to them. He leant against the warped sheet metal as he felt his breath catch in his throat. He thought he'd be able to do this but being here was another thing entirely. Goddamn, he remembered _dying_ , for fuck's sake. That wasn't supposed to happen; the human brain just wasn't able to cope with memories like those.

He saw the set of dog tags glinting in the snow at his feet. His mind's vision flashed to the faces of his old crew and the interior of the _Normandy._ They'd always been running, hunting, but the time aboard the ship, with his crew and his friends, he wouldn't have traded for anything. If he had to die, he wouldn't want it any other way. His friends were his family. He reached down and grabbed the dog tags out of the snow, reading the name off the ice cold metal. These people's families deserved to know what happened to their loved ones, too.

With the remains of the _Normandy_ scattered across a five hundred metre or so radius, finding everything there was took time. He scoured the area, searching for any signals from data chips or from his scanner. The snow was coming down in sheets and there was no way to tell if what he was looking for was buried under layers of snow, or had followed pieces of charred hull down the nearest crevasse. There was nothing more he could do except return the fist full of dog tags to the Alliance and hope that closure would at least bring some peace to the families of his deceased crew members.

Shepard stored the tags carefully in a compartment in his armour. Closure. Did closure really help? Garrus had gone after Sidonis with every intention of killing him, but it wouldn't have brought his team back. Samara, for the first time in almost half a century, had been freed from her burden, but did closure really ease the loss of her daughter? He hadn't felt any real closure upon attending his parent's funeral. Dressed in a black suit – the first suit he'd ever worn – he'd been ushered into a strange hall and had to listen to someone who hadn't even known his parents speak. He'd listened to the councillors and the representatives and the Marine's who had fought the batarians all with a distance and air of apathy. A funeral didn't make a difference. Didn't make the sort of difference everyone thought it should and everyone felt so sorry for him and all told him that he was brave and he'd put up a wall between himself and everyone in the room until he couldn't hear their voices anymore over the hum between his ears.

He looked up at what remained of the _Normandy_. The _Normandy_ had permanence. She deserved a burial, too. He marked the spot for the delivery of the monument with his Omni-tool. Perhaps one day people would visit Alchera to see the ship that had turned the tide in the battle for the Citadel but until then it was a monument to the lost and a ship that gave more than they ever asked for. This ship had given him a home. The only home that he had ever known years after leaving the fields of Mindoir. He'd always shipped between stations, posts, ships – packed his seabag and off he went. Saying goodbye to her was saying goodbye to a member of his family, too.

Protected by an alcove he saw the flash of sunlight reflecting off…what? Shepard walked closer and peered into the drift. A helmet. He crouched down and plucked the piece of armour from the snow, icy falling away in sheets.

His helmet.

He dropped it back into the snow, his hands shaking too much to hold the helmet. The busted air valve was visible on the back of the helmet, the front cracked from impact. It was charred, scratched, but this was his helmet. The helmet he had died in.

Bile roiled in his stomach and he clenched forward to stop himself from throwing up. That was the last thing he needed; throwing up in armour was never pleasant. He closed his eyes and tuned out the muffled sounds of the wind whipping around him. He'd been given a second chance at life; a chance to finish what he had started, and a chance to act on the things he'd let slip by, but at what cost? The cost of his freedom? Did Cerberus own him? The cost of his humanity? His friends, his career?

" _Commander."_

Shepard looked up, almost instinctively, at the sound of Joker's voice, as though he could see him or the _SR-2_ above him through the atmosphere.

" _Come back now. It's cold enough down there to freeze the quad off a krogan. I'll make you a cup of coffee?"_

He smiled. He could hear the emotion in Joker's voice. He'd been watching the vid feeds, of course, which was as close as he could get to sending off the _Normandy_. Shepard wasn't an idiot and could plainly recognize the sound of hurt hidden between the lines of what his pilot was saying. He wanted him back on the _SR-2_ because they both needed to be reminded what had been returned to them despite all they lost.

He grabbed the helmet and tucked it under his arm. He wasn't sure why. Morbid sentimentality, perhaps. But this was his. It belonged to him.

As soon as he passed through decon he made his way up to the bridge. Kelly smiled at him and he nodded in her direction. Joker stood and dropped his cap on his chair. EDI was visible next to him.

"Good to have you back, Commander," Joker said. A smile stretched across his lips, but his eyes were red.

Shepard stopped a couple steps away. He tossed the helmet onto the pilot's chair next to Joker's cap. "Glad I came back," he said and lifted the faceplate of his current helmet. Joker grinned and leant up to place a brief kiss on the exposed cheek – all he could reach.

"I've got one more stop to make," Shepard said. "It's…not exactly on our schedule."

"Oh? Please tell me it's a planet with something fluffy? Cute, fluffy bunny rabbits."

"Well, they do have bunnies."

* * *

"Are you sure about this, Commander?" Joker asked. "You don't actually have to go down there. There's always messages, a call? Strap a note to Grunt's neck and we'll send him down."

Shepard folded his arms. He was staring out at the planet the _Normandy_ was orbiting. "This is something I need to do in person. I'm asking these people to stop using the image of someone they think of as the symbol of their damn community. I doubt they're even going to believe I'm alive unless they see me in person."

"They might not even believe it then. I'm just saying…this isn't something you need to be doing now."

"Yeah, but better to do it now than to let it drag on. The ruling was just passed. If I go now then it will stop further problems in future."

Joker looked out at Mindoir's surface and checked the reading on his consoles. He didn't like the idea of Tris going down there. He'd been quiet enough after returning the recovered dog tags to Anderson on the Citadel. He'd insisted on writing each letter personally to the families of the deceased crew members to explain how important they had been to the safety (however temporary) of the galaxy. But Mindoir had some deep-seated memories attached to it – Tris hadn't even been back to the colony after the Alliance had rescued him after the attack.

"Thanks for coming with me," Tris said and placed his hand on Joker's shoulder.

"Like I'd let you down there by yourself. I know you've got Kasumi and Garrus coming along for the ride but—"

"You're there for emotional support."

Yeah, Joker thought. He couldn't offer much, but this he could do. This and flying them to the planet. He had multiple uses.

Of course, he didn't have armour, but he did have the pistol Tris had given him strapped to his thigh. That and a good talking to by Chakwas on the dangers of going planet-side etched firmly into his mind.

"Pretty, isn't it?" Kasumi asked, leaning over his shoulder as he piloted the shuttle to the planets surface and the dock.

"Yeah. Can see why the colony was re-established."

Otherwise it was silent. Garrus sat next to Shepard, a comforting support, and Kasumi was respectfully quiet. When the shuttle landed and Joker wound down the engines Kasumi pulled up her cloak and disappeared out the doors when they opened.

"I'll keep an eye out," Garrus said to Shepard and slapped him on the shoulder. "Give me a yell if you need me."

Joker looked over his shoulder at Shepard. His gaze was distant and his fingers twitched at the grip of his pistol. "You ready for this?" he asked.

Tris looked up. "Yeah. Yeah, sure. Let's go."

Mindoir was beautiful. Joker pulled the brim of his cap down a little lower to shield his eyes from the harsh sun. Real sun. It was warm against his skin, the fresh breeze brushing against his flesh. He supposed this was probably what Earth – or at least parts of the planet – looked like with thick fields of hay, forests, and a clean atmosphere. He could understand why colonizing planets like this was so important to the Alliance; it was like regaining a small part of what Earth had been like.

"It looks the same," Shepard said. "Like nothing ever happened."

"They've had like fifteen years to rebuild. What happened here would be nothing but words in a text book to some of the kids."

"And it better stay that way," Shepard said and motioned them forward.

Joker stared at his back as he walked ahead. Shepard was wearing full armour and Joker was sure it wasn't entirely out of habit. He was too paranoid, glancing around like he expected a batarian raiding horde to storm out of the forests. Mindoir was idyllic, but he doubted Tris could see that.

"Commander, wait," Joker said and grabbed his wrist. Shepard stopped and looked back. "Before we go deal with business, how about showing me around? It's been a while since you've been here but I really don't get off the ship a lot – I get to feel _real sun_ on my skin even less."

There was hesitation. Joker could almost imagine what was going through Tris' head; fear that he would be attacked, fear that bringing his friends to the planet would result in their deaths and he would lose these friends too. Fear that he was a sixteen-year-old boy again hiding until the Alliance pulled him out.

"They do know we're here," Shepard said and Joker exhaled the breath he'd been holding. "I'm sure they won't mind us looking around."

The main colony site was small, despite being established. Mindoir was mostly populated by farming and agricultural families – farmers needed land. Lots of land. Fields of wheat, corn and vegetables stretched out as far as he could see into the distance. Forest had been cleared to make room for pasture and livestock and the air had a certain smell, like dirt and animal. Joker couldn't even imagine what it would have been like growing up here. Arcturus was all steel and fear of a hull breach, growing up here would have been all about feeding animals, climbing trees and getting dirty.

"Never figured I'd see animals just loping around a field like this," Joker said when they stopped at a paddock. Shepard leant on the fence for a moment before he reached up and removed his helmet. He took a deep breath of the air and closed his eyes.

"Even smells the same."

"Like animal crap?"

Shepard laughed. "Yeah, a bit. That, soil, fertilizer. When you're a kid here you can _smell_ rain, can hear the bugs when it's going to be a hot day. I used to know exactly how long it'd take me to get home, no matter where I was, and could make it back just in time for dinner. Drove my mom crazy."

Joker didn't really care much about the animals in the fields. His attention was on Tris. Seeing his expression soften, the small twitch of a smile as he remembered his childhood was what he really enjoyed seeing. Tris wasn't just Commander Shepard, wasn't just a Marine or a Spectre – he was a human damn well just like any one of them. He'd had a lot of shit happen to him and it wasn't fair just to expect him to cast that aside and get on with the job like some sort of machine.

"As great as it is here, I'm glad I grew up on Arcturus. I think if I'd have been here it would have been even more depressing to have to spend all my time in bed with broken bones."

Shepard pushed away from the railing and Joker knew he'd said something wrong.

"Bet you were a hellion of a kid," Joker added, trying to recover. He gave Shepard a slight shove and grinned at him.

Luckily it worked. Shepard smiled and motioned him forward. "A bit," he said. "I didn't break the rules or anything. I was just an active kid. I liked reading and helping my parents in the labs. Even school was alright. But there's a lot of room here to run and get into trouble." He laughed. "There was this one time my friends and I let all the chickens out of one of the coops. It was a pretty horrible thing to do in all reality considering the ecosystem back then was fairly tentative and so much of the livestock kept dying but you don't think about things like that when you're twelve and bored."

"And here I was building tiny model ships." Joker rubbed at his thigh and winced. Walking around on dirt and stone was a lot different to the flat, steel decks of a ship or station.

"You okay? Wait…just over there. We can sit down."

"I'm alright. I haven't even fallen on my ass yet."

Shepard didn't take no for an answer and truthfully Joker wasn't too unhappy when he sat on the grass in the shade of a tree. This was way more exercise than he was used to on anything other than a rat wheel. Shepard sat next to him, resting his helmet in the grass and then flopped onto his back, staring up at the sky through the leaves of the tree. Joker smirked and lay down next to him, close enough that he could feel Shepard's armour pressing against his side.

"Guess it was pretty unnecessary to come decked out in complete armour," Shepard said after a moment of silence. His gloved fingers idly stroked Joker's palm.

"A touch, but not entirely ridiculous. People do enjoy shooting at you. The merc who wounds you probably gets a shiny ribbon or something as a prize."

"Yeah but now I'm assaulted with all these thoughts of pushing you into the grass and letting you get a little better acquainted with Mindoir soil," Shepard said. He leant up on his elbow, a lazy grin warming his face.

"Eh, with Garrus staring at us through his scope and Kasumi probably up in the bloody tree? No thanks. I'm not really the exhibitionist sort." Joker smirked when he saw a shimmer of Kasumi's shields above them on a thick branch of the tree.

"And how did you know? Though if you really want to have some make out time, I can make myself a little scarcer," Kasumi said.

"I have to know where you are these days," Joker said. "I live in constant bloody fear that you're right behind me when I pee."

"I have no interest in seeing that," Kasumi said. She dropped to the ground near them and turned to sit on the grass in a fluid motion. "Shep said I should stay close by, though. I was fully intent on sitting up here and ignoring you and any suspicious sounds I may hear but you went and called me out."

"…how'd you know she was there, anyway?" Shepard asked.

Joker paused. "Wild guess," he lied. He had _smelled_ Kasumi. That same smell of spices and flowers that was completely foreign to the Mindoir atmosphere.

Kasumi fell backwards into the grass to join them. "It's really pretty here, Shep."

"Yeah. I'm glad they rebuilt it."

Joker squeezed his hand and Shepard smiled at him.

"And you've never come back here. Seems like a good place to get away from everything. Almost like a holiday. Bet even you could hide here and not be found."

"Dying kind of puts things back into perspective," Shepard said. His Omni-tool beeped as a message filtered over his comms. He raised his hand briefly and his fingers brushed over the screen in reply.

"Glad to know I can join you all," Garrus said and sat down after strolling across the field. "I figured if Kasumi was here, then I wasn't about to continue hiding. Can't be much scandal going on."

"Oh Garrus, don't pretend you wouldn't watch down the scope."

"Please, Shepard, I'm not into aliens anymore than you are."

"Hey, who told you that? You're pretty hot, Garrus."

Garrus and Kasumi both laughed. "I wouldn't say that with Joker right here, Shep. He'll get jealous!" Kasumi said.

"I know I can't beat Garrus," Joker said. "If Shepard's into turians I can't even compete." But he felt Shepard's fingers tighten around his hand.

It was strange, Joker thought. To be here on Mindoir, lying in the grass next to Shepard with Kasumi and Garrus with them, laughing and teasing each other. He really wasn't a personable sort of guy, he liked personal space, but this…this didn't feel intrusive. This felt good. The warmth of Tris' gloved hand, the sun, the breeze and the sound of laughter. If there was a better way to spend the afternoon he honestly couldn't think of it. Hell, he even felt kind of sorry for the rest of the crew stuck on the _Normandy_ and he never thought that being on the ship was the worse option. He loved his damn ship.

If anyone asked him later what they talked about, he wouldn't have been able to remember. It was nothing in particular. Shepard told them stories about growing up on Mindoir, about farming and the animals that were introduced into the ecosystem, and Garrus spoke about Palaven and his family. Kasumi was quiet but she held her stories closer than most. But Shepard enjoyed talking about Mindoir and his family and his pets, silent about anything to do with the batarian raid, but happily reminiscing about anything and everything else.

Joker looked at Tris, who was leaning up on his elbow again and talking to Garrus. He seemed relaxed now, his expression light, carefree. Joker smirked and leant up, pressing a kiss to Shepard's lips.

Garrus laughed low in his throat and he thought he heard Kasumi make a noise very akin to a squeal of delight.

"Hey, he's mine, so I can kiss him if I want," Joker said. He wasn't that sort of guy, public displays of affection kind of freaked him out, but here he was feeling stupid and almost giddy, if that didn't sound so damn stupid, at how happy and content he was. Even if everything went to shit, this was something he was going to remember. Mindoir, with his friends, with Tris, relaxing in the sunshine and forgetting for at least the time being that the Collectors and the Reapers even existed.

That was worth fighting for. That was worth keeping.

"They'll probably be wondering what happened to us," Garrus said. "Not that I mind taking some down time. I think we deserve it."

"Suppose we should get back," Kasumi said.

Shepard stood and stretched. He leant down and held his hand out to Joker.

"What are you going to do about the whole Mindoir seal thing?" Joker asked. He didn't even object to Shepard helping him up. He didn't even think anything of it.

Silence for a moment.

"Let 'em keep it," Shepard said. "If they wanna use my face to promote this colony, then they should go ahead. I thought I didn't want it cuz of what happened but…maybe that is the spirit of Mindoir. Not my spirit, just…this. You guys. Rebuilding, moving on." He put his arm around Joker's and Kasumi's shoulders. "So whatever. Good luck to them."

Garrus grabbed Shepard's helmet off the ground. "I suppose it's a good story if nothing else. Don't know if I would want my face on a turian seal."

"Ah hell, Garrus, no one wants to see your face on a colony seal," Shepard said.


	26. How to be Angry

"Shepard." Garrus nodded as the doors opened to Engineering.

Shepard furrowed his brows. "Something wrong?"

"No, no, just visiting. I'll see you later," Garrus said and walked past.

Visiting? Shepard shrugged and Ken and Gabby nodded to him as he passed.

"Shepard!" Tali said. She bounded on her heels and clasped her hands around his wrist. "It's so good to see you."

Shepard laughed. "You too, Tals. But you know you can always come up to my cabin any time you want."

Tali dropped her hold on his wrist. She poked her fingers together and shifted from one foot to the other. "Oh, yes, I suppose that I could."

"And…?"

"Oh, well, I thought that perhaps it might be awkward or that your cabin… That there might be… I believe that someone else…" She lowered her head and stared at the floor.

Ah, he understood. She was nervous that she would be intruding. "My quarters are still my own," he said. "You were never nervous that you'd interrupt anything on the old _Normandy_." Of course, then he hadn't been so involved with someone, but his quarters generally were not just housing himself. He didn't like to be too isolated and readily invited his crew to his quarters for games of cards, to watch vids, or just to chat and enjoy the night. Anything that could get their minds off what was currently going on was a gift. Garrus still stopped by his quarters and they spent hours chatting or discussing the galactic news and, whenever he could, Shepard made the effort to get around the ship and chat to his crew, though he did spend a little more time with the crew members he _liked._

"Ah, no, I wasn't," Tali said. She wrung her hands together. "But I thought… I mean… Oh, _Keelah_ , this is embarrassing."

Shepard turned and motioned Tali should follow him over to the gantry in front of the drive core. It was a little more isolated and at least somewhat out of earshot of the two engineers on board. Tali paced after him but he still had the very distinct impression she didn't know how to broach the topic he knew she was chafing at.

"This is about me and Joker, right?" he asked and leant against the railing.

Tali nodded. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I didn't know how to ask. I'm not sure how humans react when mated."

Shepard had to laugh at 'mated'. It sounded ridiculous. "Tals, just relax. Nothing is different. Just…" He didn't really know how to end his sentence. Things _were_ different. He wanted them to be different, yet he didn't. "Things aren't any different between us," he concluded.

"I understand," Tali said.

He took one of her hands. Tali almost sounded disappointed. "Is there anything else wrong, Tals? The crew are treating you alright, aren't they?"

"Oh yes, of course! Everyone is quite nice. I'm glad there are some familiar faces aboard though. I didn't like the idea of an entire ship filled with Cerberus agents…"

"Yeah, me either. Trust me, if I had more of a choice in who I picked up we'd be running with quite a different crew. But I've gotten to know a lot of these people, Tals, and they're not all bad."

"I hold my reservations."

"So what was Garrus doing down here?" Shepard asked, hoping to turn Tali's mood around, if only slightly.

It worked. She visibly perked. "He comes down to visit. At first it was just to check on how I was doing but now I think it's because he's a little lonely." Her hands moved as she spoke, flitting back and forth to emphasise her points. "I'm glad he does. Omega changed him. He's very glad for you though, Shepard. Brother, he calls you. Well, actually, he says something in turian that my translator couldn't read, but he assured me that was the closest approximate definition."

"Thanks for making sure he's alright."

"Oh, of course! I like talking with him. Turian culture is very interesting and Garrus doesn't seem to mind that I ask questions. I hope he doesn't mind." She wrung her hands together again. "Do you think he minds?"

Shepard laughed. "Not at all, Tals. You think he'd come down here if he did? You know Garrus. If he doesn't want to do something he has the worst excuses. His favourite lately is recalibrating the main guns and honestly if the were as broken as he seems to make out I think I'd be a lot more concerned for our safety."

Tali twittered a laugh and Shepard could imagine her smiling.

"He never asks anything about quarian culture?" Shepard asked.

"Oh yes, he does, but…I think he's nervous about offending me. It happens a lot. Ah, people being nervous, that is!" She held up her hand and shook them, lest he get the wrong idea. "People always want to ask about the suits, or want to see what we look like underneath the suit."

"I think it just naturally makes people curious. The volus must get the same sort of questions. It's hard to imagine living in a suit your whole life."

Tali shifted her weight from side to side. "We are in our suits even among family. The most intimate thing we can do with another quarian is link our suit environments. We get sick at first…then we adapt. It's our most important gesture of trust."

Shepard wanted to say that perhaps the quarians weren't thinking creatively enough. He could think of some pretty damn intimate stuff and he wasn't even interested in Tali. Hell, he could think of some fairly intimate stuff without even getting the damn suit off. But different cultures and all – he supposed most humans didn't have to worry about sharing anything much else than a cold these days if they took necessary precautions. He couldn't imagine what it would be like to have to, say, link his nervous system up to another person and hope they treated it right.

"And you've never…?" Shepard asked.

"Oh…oh, no. I've never trusted anyone enough for that. Well…" She turned away. "No quarians."

"No quarians? Something you're not telling me, Tals?"

"Keelah… I…" She turned back to him but was staring at the floor. "I have to go say something like that. No, no quarians. Just a human. You…you know what I mean."

He raised an eyebrow. "Me?" he asked. "Tali—"

"I know! I just… Tradition says there must…oh, be, uhh…is it warm in here? Ah…intimacy? I wasn't trying to—it's not always—How did we even end up talking about this?" She came to stand next to him, mimicking his position leaning against the guard rail. "It's not just about, ah, intimacy. It's about trust."

He looked at her hand on the rail before covering it with his own. "No, it's not always about intimacy. At least not the intimacy you're implying." Shepard had the distinct feeling that if Tali _could_ blush, she would be at this very conversation. "I trust you too, Tali. You're a friend and like a member of my family. Are you saying…?"

"Ahhh…" She was looking down at her hand covered by his. "I just… I trust you, Shepard. It's lonely. In these suits, we are trapped. Little things like touch are all but lost to us. I would like to."

"And you could do so without getting sick? I'm not going to do anything that could get you hurt, Tali."

"I believe so, yes. I will be careful. If I get sick, I could jeopardize the mission. But I don't want you to be distracted, so believe me when I say that I will take all precautions. If it's too…dangerous…I will forget this. I just want…" She hung her head. "I want someone to be able to see past this mask."

Shepard smiled. "Tali, I never saw the mask. We all wear masks – the people we care about look past them and see us. In my head, I see Tali'Zorah vas Neema nar Rayya without a mask. But we can do some research and see if we can't get you out of that suit, even if it's only for a little while. Hopefully one day, you won't need the suit at all."

"Sometimes I can imagine that in my dreams," Tali said. "But I'll take what I can get."

* * *

"Ugh, this is ridiculous!" Joker complained as he scratched at the back of his neck. He winced and pulled his hand away again.

"I did warn you about the dangers of going down to a planet," Chakwas said and handed him the tube of ointment. "Spread this over the burn areas and for heaven's sake if you're going to go down to another planet please see me for sunscreen lotion."

Joker pulled a face at her in defiance. How the hell was he supposed to know he'd get sunburnt? He never had to think about things like sunburn! His face, his forearms, the back of his neck, dammit even his ears were red and sore and tight. He'd had a shower the previous night and just about flipped out as the hot water _stung_ his back. He'd felt hot, dizzy, tired and kind of like he had a cold all at once and had gratefully fallen into his bunk much earlier than his usual turn in time. Of course EDI had to poke at him all day about it…and Hawthorne…and half the crew in the CIC…

"I think I'll just hold off traipsing through dirt on planets," he said. He scratched at his neck again and hissed in pain. "Dammit! Doc, this stuff better work miracles."

"Well you need someone to put it on your neck if you want it to get any better and I have more important things to do than massage your shoulders, Jeff Moreau."

Joker frowned. Chakwas really did have the 'mom' voice down. "Yeah, yeah. I'll be fine. I'm not about to go whinging to Kasumi or Kelly to rub my stupid burnt shoulders." He slipped off the bench to his feet, taking the tube of sunburn lotion with him. Hell, he'd smear it on the wall and rub his back against it before he asked for help. He trudged out of the Med Bay.

"You humans really do come in an interesting assortment of colours," Garrus said.

"Bite me, Garrus. Seriously, this hurts like hell."

Garrus chuckled. "Oh, of course, not saying otherwise. Comparable to a bullet wound, I'm sure."

Joker grumbled various insults under his breath and pushed past Garrus. He really wasn't in the mood. He felt sore and hot and could really just go for a long soak under a cold shower. Unfortunately for Joker, Garrus followed him. A few feet away, but he didn't let him go. Joker sighed, stopped and turned to face Garrus. "Alright, what is it? You've obviously got a burning question and I use the term with all intended sarcasm."

Garrus looked around the crew deck. "Not here," he said and gestured for Joker to follow him. He did, but not without a great deal of complaining under his breath. He didn't like to think he was the constant topic of discussion. He liked being the 'awesome and possibly crazy pilot' or at least 'that jerk that no one wants to talk to' but he'd never been subjected to so many weird conversations regarding his sex life before all of this.

The staff barracks were empty except for two crew members sitting at the table, off duty. "Can we please have some privacy?" Garrus asked.

Joker had to hand it to him that he had a certain commanding tone to his voice – much like Shepard. It wasn't rude or harsh, but it let people know who was in charge. The two men stood and nodded to Garrus as they left. They didn't even complain. Joker slid into one of the unoccupied chairs and stared at Garrus.

"I've been meaning to speak with you about Shepard…" Garrus wouldn't sit. In fact, he seemed nervous. He rubbed his hands together and for a moment Joker had this overwhelming image of _Tali_ in his head doing just the same thing when she was nervous.

"Well which one did you want to ask about? How he expects to have sex with a cripple, what my intentions are with our weak and virtuous Commander, why I think this sort of behaviour is acceptable on a military ship or do you have a new one?"

Garrus honestly looked surprised. "So I'm not the first to talk to you."

"Hardly. Not the last, though. I've yet to hear Grunt's opinion on the matter."

As he sat down, Garrus seemed to have trouble forcing back a chuckle of laughter. "I see. It's not that bad. We go back as well, Joker. Shepard and I aren't the only ones that ever chatted when insomnia hit."

The tension drained a little from his shoulders. This was true. Garrus wasn't Jack, he wasn't even Kasumi. While he was for a little light-hearted teasing he knew where to rein it in and he trusted Shepard implicitly. Brothers, they called each other. And he and Garrus had spent just as many sleepless nights as he and Shepard had chatting and getting to know each other. "So if you're not going to tell us to quit acting like dumb teenagers, then what did you want me for?"

Garrus stared at him, evaluating him. Turians were predators – keen sense of sight, keen sense of smell, physically intimidating. But he knew Garrus and was used to his stare.

"I wanted to wish you luck, I suppose," Garrus said. "Shepard deserves some happiness. Truthfully, you do as well. I don't care what anyone else has been saying or might say – you make him happy. That's all I care about."

Joker was actually surprised. He'd maybe expected Garrus to tell him to back off until when the time was more appropriate, or tell him to back off completely because Shepard didn't have the time or patience to deal with a cranky cripple, but he'd never expected what equated to his _blessings._

"Shepard is my brother." Garrus said another word and Joker's translator pinged at the unfamiliar term.

"Yeah, you'll have to explain."

Garrus laughed. "Tali said the same thing. Brother in battle, Brother through blood. It is an important definition for turians. Not all families are born of flesh. You are my brother's partner, his mate."

Joker laughed. He had to. "Mate? You've got to be kidding me."

"I suppose it is a little ridiculous but…language doesn't always catch up to meet new requirements. I know it might be true that most races place a high priority on things like…reproduction…" Even saying the word seemed to make Garrus uncomfortable. "But most sentient races have at least some understanding and acceptance of relationships outside of that norm. Except perhaps krogans and salarians. They're all about reproduction."

"Yeah, this conversation is fast crossing into awkward territory," Joker said.

"Right, right…" Garrus stared at his hand for a moment. "I've never been attracted to humans. You're all a little fleshy in general for me. But…let's just say I can see my brother's appeal." He bared his teeth in what might have been some sort of feral grin. "Can't say what he sees in you though. Snarky, sarcastic pilot who can't shoot straight…"

"Hey!" Joker complained. But it wasn't spiteful – Garrus was just yanking his chain, knowing it would get a reaction. "Next time you guys need to be pulled off a burning hunk of rock, I'm going to leave you there just a little bit longer. Let you sweat a bit. Then we'll see who's just a snarky, sarcastic pilot…"

* * *

Shepard was getting sick of dragging his feet through the slush bucket that was Omega. There was nothing good about this place. It was dirty, lawless; all hope had been sucked out of the air. Even showering couldn't remove the layer of filth from his skin after being here.

Tali, however, was fascinated. "I would love to see how the filtration systems and kinetic barriers work," she said. "On the Flotilla reusing and recycling are tantamount to our survival, but people here seem to make a living out of doing just that."

"There was a quarian kid here on Pilgrimage," Shepard said. He didn't add how badly it had gone.

"If the Flotilla didn't rely on each quarian…" Tali trailed off. "It is at times like this I wonder what it would be like if we quarians had our own planet again…whether we would be accepted as an important part of the galaxy."

Garrus placed his hand on her shoulder and Tali looked up at him. They didn't need to say anything to each other.

Shepard pointed up ahead. "Looks like that could be our guy…beating the shit out of a batarian. Great. Hey!"

The batarian slumped to the ground and the man turned. He looked like a merc; haphazard armour, scars and a pissed off look.

"Please!" The batarian looked up at Shepard. "Help me."

Shepard winced as the merc kicked the batarian.

"No one said you could talk, jackass."

"Hey, hey, come on. He's on the ground," Shepard said.

"He's a prisoner." The man's face looked like it had been ripped apart and stitched back together roughly. A deep scar ran down the right side of his face, the eye an entirely different colour – false, perhaps? Shepard really hoped he wouldn't look like that in another 20 years, but chances weren't good since half his face was trying to split apart at the grand age of 30.

"You're Zaeed Massani?" Shepard asked.

"You must be Shepard. I hear we have a galaxy to save."

Shepard looked at the batarian on the floor. God…his ship was already full of Cerberus operatives, fugitives, assassins and thieves – he really didn't want to be adding a mercenary. "You've been briefed then?"

"I did my homework." Short. Clipped. Zaeed didn't seem any happier to be working with them than they were to have him. "Cerberus is paying me a lot of money to help you on your mission. That's the long and short." We're not friends here – no need to be.

"You'd go on a suicide mission for the pay? They did tell you about the whole 'suicide mission' part, didn't they? The Illusive Man has a habit of leaving out some pretty crucial dot points."

"Most mercs don't get an offer like the one Cerberus sent me. Your Illusive Man can move a lot of credits."

Shepard frowned. He really didn't want the Illusive Man to be 'his'. Could he give him back to someone? "What about him?" he asked and gestured to the batarian. "I've only got room for one."

"A delinquent. Pissed off someone rich enough to hire me to go after him. Tried to lead me on a chase all over the Systems. But they always run back to Omega." Zaeed raised his foot and kicked the batarian in the head.

Shepard felt his fingers tighten on his pistol. This guy was really pissing him off here. He didn't like batarians any better than most humans but there was such a thing as decency.

"I'm going to assume the Illusive Man told you about our arrangement?"

Shepard gritted his teeth. Of course. Why would the Illusive Man screw over a merc when he already had a perfectly good toy to fuck with? "No, surprisingly, he didn't," he said and had to bite back his rage. Garrus was already stepping forward to come between them.

"Vido Santiago. Heads the Blue Suns – seems he's captured an Eldfell-Ashland refinery and is using their workers for slave labour. The company wants it dealt with."

He watched Zaeed closely. There was no indication he was lying, but Shepard knew he wasn't exactly telling the truth, either. It seemed too clean. Nothing was that clean. "Sure. Why not. I'll add it to the list of 'shit that needs to get done before saving the world', shall I?"

"Get it out of the way so we can concentrate on being goddamn heroes."

The batarian was stupid enough to try get away. Stupid and slow. He struggled to his feet and stumbled down the alley. Zaeed raised his pistol and Shepard tensed, ready to protect himself and his team. Zaeed was only interested in his bounty; he fired and caught the batarian in the knee.

"Was that necessary?" Shepard asked. The batarian dropped to the ground, blood spilling across the floor.

"You tell me. I better turn this thing in before it starts to stink. I'll be locked and loaded next time you're ready to get some killing done." Zaeed walked away and grabbed the batarian by the collar and dragged him across the floor at his heels. Like an animal – a 'thing', just like he'd said.

"Seems like a nice enough guy," Garrus said. He folded his arms as he watched Zaeed leave, his mouth closing around anything else to say about the mercenary.

Tali cursed and shook her head. "He better stay away from engineering, and from my friends."

Shepard couldn't uncurl his fingers from the grip of his pistol, not even with concentrated effort, because he was using all of his concentration just to stay calm and to hold back the flickering surges of biotic energy.

* * *

Joker leaned back with a happy sigh as Shepard's fingers worked across his shoulders.

"You keep making noises like that and I'm going to be needing the cold shower," Tris said. Joker closed his eyes as he felt the hot breath against his neck.

"No chance in hell. You said you'd help me with this, so help. 'Sides, it's your fault I'm burnt."

"Oh, my fault?"

Joker wouldn't have asked. No way would he have asked. It would have been too presumptuous, too weak to admit that he would have so much trouble rubbing the damn lotion over his burnt neck. But, like usual, he didn't have to ask. Tris insisted.

Not that he minded. In fact, he might be doing Shepard the favour. He was practically grinding his teeth down when he returned to the ship. Zaeed knew how to press his buttons. Shepard was, in essence, a good guy – he upheld the law, fought for the weak and all that crap. Mercenaries for hire just didn't _sit_ well with his outlook on life. Being forced to pick one up and work with him went against everything he wanted in a team. And, like usual, when Shepard was in a bad mood, unsure of where to put himself, he came searching for attention. Okay, maybe he came searching for distraction, but he seemed to lap up the attention regardless. All it took was a smile and a quick, guarded kiss, and the tension began to drain away.

"How do you feel? Y'know, about Mindoir?" Joker asked.

There was definite silence, but Joker gave him the time he needed to arrange his thoughts.

"Better. It's something I carried around for so long. I think, in some ways, it would have been better if the Alliance took me back there when I was young. Pulling me out like that, trawling through my memories and emotions and doing their best to pretend that nothing happened. They found a biotic and they saw a potential soldier. I can't hate them for it – I like being a Marine – but Mindoir became this irrational fear. I wasn't afraid of the batarians, I was afraid of a _place_."

Joker didn't answer. He let Shepard talk. He needed to talk about it and not be judged. He almost laughed at the thought of him being someone's emotional support but he knew that's what had happened here. Tris had said he felt _safe_ around him. It was stupid, it was ludicrous, but there it was.

"I really enjoyed myself down there. With Garrus, Kasumi…with you. Apart from the _Normandy_ I've never had a home. I never bought property, never rented anywhere, always lived on ships and in barracks. I just never thought it was important. But going back down to Mindoir…" Shepard paused. He leaned forward and wrapped his arm around Joker's bare waist and rested his head on his shoulder. "I remember why it's important. When this is all over – and I mean all over – maybe I could go back there. Think I'll be just about done with soldiering."

"I think you'll deserve the rest, too," Joker said. He leant back against Tris' chest. "I dunno what I'll do. I never thought about it."

"Why didn't you tell me about your mother?" Shepard asked.

Joker felt the nerves along his spine seize. Shit. He felt the urge to run, to ignore the question, but Shepard was stroking his chest, fingers sliding through curls of hair and easing along delicate flesh. Calming him – the question wasn't accusatory. He just wanted to know, wanted to help as much as Joker wanted to help Tris.

"I didn't think you needed to deal with my problems right away," Joker admitted. He closed his eyes again, trying to ease his racing heart. "Let's face it; I was a pretty shitty son anyway." He bit his lower lip as Shepard pressed a kiss to the side of his throat and held him tighter.

"That's not how I remember it. She loved you and I know you loved her."

"And I couldn't even go to her damn funeral. Look, can we not talk about this? You know how I am with things like this and I don't want to get all blubbery on you about something that happened—" Shepard's hand came to rest over his mouth to silence the rest of his sentence.

"It's just you and me here, Jeff. You can tell me anything you want, or you can say nothing. Either way, I'm here for you. You never have to worry about telling me things. I'm not going to judge you. You can get a little blubbery occasionally."

Joker crushed his eyelids closed as he felt the first burgeoning pinpricks of tears. Dammit. Dammit Tris. But he wasn't going to cry. He'd gotten past that shit. In two years he'd cried and screamed and broke bones kicking and punching walls and then everything had gone numb as he died inside. He had better things to do now than cry.

He shifted out of Tris' arms and turned to face him. "Sometimes I think this would be a lot easier if you were a jerk," he said and leaned forward. It never took much more prompting; Tris wrapped his arms around him and pulled him close, all teasing kisses, hands and fingers. One hand rested on his hip, toying with the waistband of his trousers, the other raking a trail down Joker's spine. It was comfort, it was lust, and just about everything Joker could ever want between all that. This was Tris; someone who knew him better than maybe even his mom had. Someone who, slowly but surely, had managed to make himself so important to Joker that his entire life crumbled without him. A man who he found himself _missing_ when they were on opposite ends of the ship. He smiled and ran his hand over the black spikes of Tris' hair and brushed his fingers very lightly over the exposed port at the back of his neck, a rush of static tingling through his hand.

"Do I need to convince you to stay the night with me?" Shepard asked. His teeth grazed over Joker's jaw line.

Joker grinned. "Convince? Nah. Encourage maybe. Can definitely use some more encouragement." He was sitting in Tris' lap, knees either side of him, held against his chest. Though it was a weird thing to think about, he did wonder what his mom would think about _all this_. She had pretty much discounted grandchildren based on his disability, but would she have been accepting of his choice?

Of course, this was _Commander Shepard_ he was effectively dating. Any mother would be proud. He ran his fingers along Shepard's neck, feeling the muscles along the junction to his shoulder. "Tris…do you think your parents would be proud of you?"

Shepard made a sound in thought; a hum in his throat that Joker could feel under his fingers. "I never thought much about it. My dad wasn't big on the military. Said a man could do better for himself than become a jarhead. My mom…she always said I could do anything I wanted. If I wanted to become an agriculturist or a palaeontologist or a nanny for all she cared, it was my decision."

Joker laughed at the image of Tris trying to wrangle children of any race or age. While there was no doubt that he could be responsible for a child, hell, he'd probably even make a good dad, Jeff knew that kid would have Tris wrapped around his finger.

"But I think they both knew the truth. I was already showing signs of being biotic. They were just putting it off. Just a little bit longer to have their baby with them because there's really only one path for biotics." His lips quirked into a slight smile as Joker ran his finger along the line of the port in his neck again. "But yeah, I reckon they'd be proud. Even my dad. I've done my best, I've always tried to live by the morals they taught me. My mom always just wanted me to be happy."

"And…about your friends?" Joker asked. He couldn't quite bring himself to ask what Shepard's parents would have thought about his relationships – about him.

"My parents were surprisingly open-minded for farmers. My mom had worked with some amazing scientists – Salarians, turians, even an elcor that used to drive her absolutely crazy and can't say I blame her 'cause I met him and glaciers melt faster than he spoke. My dad would have gotten along great with Garrus and I think my mom would have loved Tali. While Tali doesn't know anything about farming or plants she's got an inquisitive nature just like Mom." Tris bit at his lip and ran his tongue over the scars there. "I think they knew they weren't ever going to get any grandchildren, though. I was a teenager and didn't really _talk_ to them about things like that but they were my parents – they knew. They would have really liked you. Funny, sarcastic, strong-willed and strong mind. You could have told awful jokes with my dad."

"Least someone would appreciate my stellar sense of humour," Joker said.

"Uh-huh. That's what you're calling it, huh? Well then, make a joke about how red your face is for a change. You really got sunburnt."

"And I told you that is entirely your fault."

Tris grabbed the tube of lotion and gave an exaggerated roll of his eyes. "Sit still, then. God knows Chakwas will flay me if you start peeling."

"Peeling? Oh shit, that's disgusting. You're kidding, right?"

"No chance. So sit still."

Joker frowned as Tris spread the cool gel over his face, but he did sit still because this way he could stare at Tris' face and not have it be weird (or too weird, anyway, because he was covered in green goo right now). He could almost imagine what it would have been like to introduce himself to Tris' parents. He'd have shaken his father's hand and brought a bottle of wine for dinner and all that sort of crap. It would have been awkward but nice, because it meant that he was being accepted into a family; being accepted as part of Tris' life. In turn, he would have taken Shepard to Arcturus, and because of the type of station it was they would have gotten stares and people would have whispered and soldiers would have saluted to Shepard as they walked past. His mom would have been surprised, but understanding and this was _Commander Shepard_ for pity's sake! And because it was _Tris_ , he would have been perfectly charming and wonderful and it would be like he'd always been around and his Mom would have smiled when Tris kissed his cheek right in front of her, not awkward, but like he knew he had every right to do so.

_Yeah, you would have liked him, Mom._

* * *

"I'm not leaving anyone to burn in a fire you fucking started!" Shepard yelled. Hours of traipsing through the jungle listening to Zaeed bitch and moan about how damn hard done by he was – he started the damn Blue Suns! – only for him to act like a bloody renegade and try to blow the whole refinery to hell and now he just wanted to leave the civilians here to die. "I knew it. You never gave a shit about any slave labour; this is just a revenge thing. What is it with you people and revenge?" He shoved Zaeed backwards and the bounty hunter glared at him.

"Vido is going to get away!"

"You're damn right he is and you're going to watch him while we save these people!"

"No chance in hell."

The last straw. He felt the air rush out of his lungs as he flung himself at Zaeed, slamming them both into the ground. Shepard pulled his arm back and then felt his fist connect with Zaeed's jaw, but didn't feel the pain of the punch. Garrus' arms were around him, dragging him away, yelling in his ear and Shepard could feel himself shaking with pent-up rage.

"Leave him!" Garrus growled against his neck, his arms tight around Shepard's chest. "He isn't worth it. We'll do what we have to."

The endorphins, the adrenalin, they kept him going, but he didn't feel like a human, he didn't even feel alive. They left Zaeed and Shepard was aware of fighting by Garrus' side, the steady drum of his rifle and the surge of biotics. He was aware of hurtling through nothingness and bursting through the wall of gravity on the other side and tearing mechs apart with energy. He was aware of his own breath and the race of blood in his veins. Rage like he couldn't even remember. It was red hot in his throat, burning on his skin.

Garrus did most of the work. He shut down emergency valves and led them through the refinery. The workers were screaming, crying, huddling in corners hiding from the smoke and the Blue Sun mercenaries that had decided that if the place was going to burn then shooting innocents in the back wasn't much worse than letting them fry.

A woman stumbled and the mercenary kicked her and shot her in the back of the skull. Shepard lunged, a whip crack reaction. He let his fingers close around the mercenary's throat and crushed his windpipe, listening to the gurgle of air leave his body.

"Shepard!"

He knew the voice but actual sounds and words seemed to be underwater. Garrus grabbed his arm and he dropped the merc and stared at the blood pooling around his boots. More words and white static.

It was sick. The universe – sick. He tried. He really tried. The refinery was burning around their ears and these mercenaries still found time to take innocent lives. Zaeed, who he'd been forced to recruit, take with them, subject his friends and crew to, was just as much scum as the group he had started. He tried to put himself above Vido, said it was the batarians who were the terrorists, but no man with any sort of honour or damn decency would set ablaze a refinery just to chase after his past and need for vengeance.

Shepard slumped against the wall as Garrus shut off the last valve. The fires wouldn't miraculously burn out but it would stop the place from blowing and give the civilians a chance to escape. More than that, they couldn't help them.

"Are you alright?" Garrus asked.

He dropped his helmet and then threw up against the wall. His shoulders were shaking as his body flushed the excess adrenalin – like coming down from a high. Nothing lasted long thanks to Cerberus. Garrus was stroking his back and took the pistol from his lax fingers.

"Probably better up," Garrus said. "Doesn't help much keeping it down sometimes."

And he threw up again. He knew Garrus wouldn't question him but his disappointment was evident. Shepard had always tried to lead by example; a leader held their anger, acted in the way best for the squad, put aside his own personal differences and morals if it meant getting the job done. But there were some things he just couldn't let slide.

Garrus looked up. "Sounds like a gunship."

"Vido… Gotta be," Shepard said. He wiped his mouth with the back of his glove. He would love some water but he had no time to whine. He forced his helmet back on as they headed outside. Garrus shoved his pistol back into his hands.

Zaeed flooded a heat sink at the escaping gunship. Screaming with rage, his face contorted. If any of his shots hit the ship it would be a damn miracle, his anger completely blinding him. His weapon clicked and then jammed and the wasted sink landed on the ground, glowing red. He rounded on Shepard and Garrus, pointing his rifle straight at the Commander.

"You just cost me twenty years of my life!"

"I didn't cost you anything!"

Behind them the puddle of oil exploded. Garrus dragged Shepard to the ground as the steel beam hurtled through the air.

"Son of a bitch!"

Shepard looked up. Zaeed was trapped.

"Sounds like justice to me…" Garrus said.

God, he wanted to think the same. Justice – burn to death in this hell you made, you arsehole. Shepard shook his head and dragged himself to his feet. He pulled his helmet off and chucked it at Garrus to hold. "I should leave you here."

"Then leave me! Piss off!" Zaeed yelled as he struggled to push the weight off his leg.

His body screamed at him to _leave_. Zaeed deserved this. But he couldn't. He wasn't that man. While he sometimes skirted outside of the exacting lines of the law, and wouldn't hesitate to kill a mercenary, this was…sadistic. He couldn't let a man burn to death. Shepard felt a chill run up his spine. What scared him was that he _wanted to_.

"You heard the man, Shepard," Garrus said. "He won't be missed. Trust me."

"Friggin' turians…"

Shepard crouched down next to Zaeed and held his pistol up. A bullet to the face would be kinder. But the bastard had lived through that before. "I try to hold judgement on people – benefit of the doubt. But what you did makes me believe you are one sick son of a bitch. Blowing a refinery to get revenge? Putting innocent lives at stake and then hoping to become some sort of _hero_ working with us? I should leave you here. But I'm not like you. However, shooting you I'm okay with."

Zaeed was staring down the barrel of the gun. "Come on, Shepard. Stop screwing around – let's go!"

Shepard gritted his teeth and pulled the trigger. The bullet sped past Zaeed's head, another whizzing into the air. "No, you stop screwing around! How the fuck do you think I can trust you? If it all comes down to it, how can I trust you to watch our backs now?"

"I'll do what I was paid to do!"

"Not good enough. Not damn good enough."

"I've survived this long watching my own back. No time to worry about it."

"And now look at you," Shepard said. He could barely hear his own voice; icy cold rage dragging through his larynx. "You have no idea what we're up against. We can't do it unless we all work together. If you can't do that, then you can die here alone. The Collectors? The Reapers? They don't care about your vengeance, Vido, or the Blue Suns. They don't care about you. They won't hesitate to kill you – if you're lucky, because I've learnt there _are_ fates worse than death."

Zaeed stared at him. The fires were burning dangerously close, the heat rising around them. Garrus would pull Shepard out if he had to. No one was there to pull Zaeed out.

"This isn't about who paid you, or what they promised you. But I honour loyalty, I reward loyalty. You'll get another shot at Vido, but not because you want some damned revenge."

Silence except for the burning fires crackling around them. Zaeed wasn't a stupid man. He was a man haunted, torn to shreds until anger bled from his wounds, but he wasn't stupid. "Alright, Shepard," he said. "I—" He was looking up towards the refinery now. The truth and guilt had a way of slapping someone between the eyes. "You've got my arm – not your Illusive Man."

Shepard gestured to Garrus and they both heaved the metal girder off Zaeed's leg. He'd need to be patched up, but Chakwas was good with flesh – patching his conscience was up to Zaeed alone.

If he saw Zaeed again any time soon, he wasn't sure what he'd do to the man. It was too hard to always play commander. And he'd lost it down there. Let his anger get the better of him and destroy his mind until he was just as much uncontrolled rage as Zaeed. Garrus and Chakwas helped Zaeed towards the elevator and Shepard felt a shuddered breath leave his chest, rattling his core. He dropped his helmet and kicked it across the cargo hold, the plexiglass shattering with force. He ripped off his gauntlets and the heavy pieces of ceramic armour from his arms, dropping them in a heap and then continued to strip until his chest was free. The tight, binding pressure was still there, but better. He'd never understand why, in the end, it came down to him to lead these people into what could only be described as hell. He didn't want that sort of responsibility. If he packed it in now, the guilt would be unimaginable, though. They all knew what was coming and damned if he wouldn't do something to stop it.

But some days it was so easy to feel utterly insignificant.

He sat down against a metal crate, resting his head back and closed his eyes, trying to calm himself with the familiar drone of the ship in his ears. No fire, no screaming, no Collectors, Geth, mercs, batarians, bullets or biotics. Just a quiet background hum of engine noise.

His comms beeped on his Omni-tool and he looked down.

' _Can I rescue you yet?'_ scrolled across the holographic screen.

He closed his eyes again and smiled. The guilt, the loss of lives – his mom used to tell him not to cry over spilt milk, which was surely the most ridiculous human saying ever, but she had stuck by it, even at the worst of times. Crying or feeling guilty? What did that accomplish? Nothing. _Feel_ , yes, but clean it up. Shepard tapped in a comm code and raised his fingers to touch the communications point behind his ear.

"I made a mess of that," he said. He couldn't run and hide every time something went wrong just because he knew that someone would catch him.

" _A little. Tris… Shit happens. I know it doesn't sound very sympathetic, but—"_

"But don't cry over spilt milk," he finished. Just like his mom. He didn't need sympathy. He just needed to know someone was there.

" _Exactly,"_ Joker replied. _"So stop breaking your stuff because I'm not buying you a new helmet, young man!"_

Shepard felt a laugh scratch the back of his throat. ' _Not sure I'm cut out for this Commander gig',_ he typed and sent. He couldn't trust his voice with the words.

" _Shit, what the hell are you talking about?"_ Joker replied after enough time for him to receive and read the message. _"No pressure or anything but without you we're all screwed. If you wanna go hide on a planet somewhere and hope for the best, I'll totally come with, but… Tris, I know you too well. You aren't going to hide. You're Commander-freaking-Shepard of the_ Normandy _. No one else is like you. And I know that sucks because sometimes it's best not to know the future of a whole friggin' galaxy is riding on you but, hey, truth is truth. And in a couple years you'll be retired with a nice farm on Mindoir with some horses and a dog and some dinosaur-like pet turians probably keep and there will be a big ass statue of you on the Citadel that kids will be forced to visit for school excursions."_

"Farm on Mindoir? …you been thinking about this or something?"

Joker cleared his throat and Shepard could just about hear him blushing. _"No, just hypotheticals, nothing really to think about, get bored up here alone with a crazy AI, that's all."_

"We'll have to work on your tan, then, otherwise you're going to get really burnt."

The other end of the line was silent.

' _You think about that?'_ raced across the screen of his Omni-tool.

"All the time," Shepard answered across the open line. When this was over, he wanted to know that he had the possibility of being a free man – free to do whatever he wanted, be with whoever he wanted, with no expectations, no regulations. Just let the galaxy sort the rest of its problems out itself. He wanted to know that he had a future; a future that he could choose. He wanted a future that made him happy, not the Alliance or the Council. He didn't think he'd ever see that future, but perhaps wishing for a slightly bastardized version wasn't so bad. Maybe it would scare Joker, but easing him into that future had seemed obvious. Things might change, but the universe would have a hell of a fight on its hands if it thought it could take his friends from him. "Sorry…I think about things a lot. Have to think about something to keep me going a lot of the time."

" _Well…then can I have a puppy?"_

Shepard smiled. "You can have a whole litter of puppies."


	27. Never to Know

"Do you remember the Shadow Broker?" Liara asked.

Shepard watched her. Liara always seemed so serene but it had been fun to fluster her. Back in the old days, anyway. "Is this what this is about?" he asked. "Give me a chance, Liara. We can help you."

She shook her head. "No. I've been working to take him down." She slammed her hand down on the desk and Tali jumped in surprise from where she stood near the window. "With the data you got me, I'm a step closer."

Tali was unsure of what to do with herself, caught between coming to ask Liara questions or respect any sort of privacy. Garrus put his hand on her shoulder and led her out of the office.

"They certainly know when people need a little closed door time," Shepard said but all he got from Liara was a small smile. "What happened with your secretary?"

Liara shook her head. "She was very talented – but her barriers needed some practice. She had some interesting data hidden away. I wouldn't have caught her without you."

"I don't really like the idea of you going after the Shadow Broker. From what I've heard…well, he has connections. What happened that's got you so bent on tracing him down?"

Liara stood and turned to stare out the window of her office. "I was on a job with a friend. The Shadow Broker's people caught us. My friend…he didn't escape. I need to find him – I owe him my life. And I _need_ to make the Shadow Broker pay for what he did."

Shepard folded his arms. There was more going on here. "Liara, you trust me, don't you? Just tell me what's going on. Let me help you. Half my damn crew have me running errands and I don't even like some of them. You're one of my best friends."

Liara's eyes were dark when she looked back over her shoulder at him. "Did Cerberus tell you how they recovered your body?"

"They left that bit out."

"I gave you to them! They said they could rebuild you… But to do that I had to take you from the Shadow Broker, who was going to sell you to the Collectors." Liara turned. Her eyes were closed, holding back her emotions.

Shepard didn't answer. He stared at her. He had known Liara for the better part of a year before his rather unfortunate death but strong bonds were formed when you thought each breath might be your last. Liara had been fascinated with him – especially what had been in his head – and pursued him and even though he turned her down, she never seemed to really get over it. She'd always looked at him with her big eyes, followed at his heels, all a little more desperate than Ashley and more forward than most of his other 'admirers'. He _had_ felt a connection to Liara; she'd been interesting and interested in him, and at the time it was like she was the only one who really understood just a bit of the storm inside his mind. He had never meant to lead her on or give her the wrong impression. To think that his death had hurt her to the point she would give his body to _Cerberus_ just for a chance to bring him back to life made him a little sick. And he didn't know if it was just out of compassion for Liara. She had given his body to Cerberus because they promised they could bring a corpse back from the dead? It was amazing he wasn't some sort of monster stuffed into a flesh body.

He closed his lips around his anger. He felt betrayed. Liara had been right there, along with everyone else, when he had told them about Akuze, when they encountered Cerberus on planets or came across survivors of their atrocities. She had no right to give his body to them.

"I couldn't let you go. I'm sorry…" Liara sat at her desk. She rested her head against her hands, her fingers curling against her forehead.

Shepard pushed back his chair and stood, feeling the bitterness bite at his throat. "I'm sorry, too," he said. "I can't help you any more."

Her blue hands lowered from her face. Closed lips couldn't hide her small sound of anguish. "Shepard…" she choked out. "I must destroy the Shadow Broker. For what he did to my friends, did to you. For whatever he is doing with the Collectors."

"Just don't turn into whatever it is you're hunting, Liara," he said. He paused at the door. "Be careful." And left.

"Shep—What happened?" Tali asked.

"Nothing, Tals. Let's just get back to the ship." His first thought was to just fall into Joker's arms (carefully!) as soon as they got back but a small voice in the back of his mind sneered at him and told him to quit being such a baby.

"Good call, Shep. Something on Illium makes me nervous – perhaps it's just too clean," Garrus said and tried to laugh but the humour just wasn't there. He placed his hand on the small of Tali's back and guided her down the stairs, shaking his head when she looked at him.

Garrus and Tali kept their heads down and only murmured something under their breath when the decon process finished and the bridge doors swished open so they could make themselves scarce. Shepard waved, nothing more than a weak flail of his hand, as he watched them go. He didn't want to make them uncomfortable but he didn't know what he was thinking. Rage, anguish, betrayal and so much in between. It was getting ridiculous. He was always angry, always pushed to the rim of his morals and skirting the edge of right and wrong. He'd never been like this before. It had never been like this. He'd questioned, yes, he'd pushed, yes, evaluated his concerns and moved forward from there. Perhaps Cerberus had brought him back wrong. Or maybe they had brought him back right but the universe was once again giving him a big push to realize that _people weren't supposed to come back from the dead._

"So, you were on Illium and all three of you turned off your comms. Makes me believe you went to speak to Liara," Joker said as he swivelled his chair around. "How am I supposed—shit, are you alright?"

Shepard opened his mouth but words eluded him. Was he alright? Everything pointed towards _no_ , he wasn't alright. "I don't know," he said, his helmet tucked under his arm. Was he even supposed to be alright? "I'll see you later."

"Yeah, alright, see ya…"

He wanted to curl up beside Joker, lay his head in his lap and just wish the world away. He couldn't. He'd promised himself that this wouldn't affect their work, wouldn't get in the way of the mission; Joker was on shift and had work to complete. Shepard pushed past a crew member he vaguely remembered but whose name he couldn't recall before slipping through the open lift doors.

Death was final. It was supposed to be final. He wasn't a religious guy, didn't have any grandiose ideas of an afterlife or spiritual reincarnation but he'd always thought that when he died it would be the end. The end of a struggle; the final breath as he was able to let it all go. He remembered his final breath as he drifted towards Alchera's surface and the feeling of acceptance as he let it drift away. There was nothing else he could do, no Plan B, no shortcuts or cheats. He'd let it go and closed his eyes and it all slipped away.

He sat at his desk, the chair scraping against the floor. On his desk sat his damaged helmet – charred, broken. It didn't smell like death, just metal and plastic. He'd accepted his demise.

He didn't accept his rebirth.

It kept coming back: Not supposed to be alive. He was just a man. No man was supposed to come to the end of that tunnel and turn right back around and burst back into the light of life as he had, sucking in air amidst smoke and gunfire. He'd made peace with his life, with what he'd done, what he'd gone through and lost and now he was forced to re-evaluate every step as if he'd been wrong. If he had pushed the Council hard enough would they have taken the Reaper threat seriously and been able to spare the human colonies? If he'd worked things through with Kaidan would the man still trust him? Had he ever done anything right or had it just been his damnable _luck_ that dragged him through? Kept him alive on Mindoir, on Akuze, through the battle for the Citadel? Nothing he'd ever done had been special or heroic yet people looked to him to lead them, to say and do some sort of magical thing that would make everything work. And it had always been okay; okay to lie a little, okay to play Commander and hero if it gave the people around him the confidence to do the things he knew they were capable of and maybe it had just been too long doing the same thing, or maybe dying put everything in perspective, he wasn't sure, but now it wasn't _okay._ It was anything _but_ okay. He was no damn hero – he wasn't worth the billions of credits Cerberus had wasted on his revival. He would keep doing this because it was what everyone expected, because he couldn't just hope that this whole Reaper and Collector business was going to sort itself out but after that…? After that, he was done.

He just wished he knew if there really would be an after to all of this or whether he could count on dying in the same war twice.

* * *

"Can you just tell me what he's doing? Doesn't even need to include steamy details. 'Sitting down in his room' will be good enough for me."

"This would be a breach of privacy and confidence, Mr Moreau," EDI answered.

"Yeah yeah, see I understand your point but here's another option: Do as I tell you. How does that work?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Moreau."

Joker slid down further in his chair and glared at the holographic orb at his side. Stupid thing had to have a moral compass, didn't it? Or at least whoever programmed it. He wasn't asking for private information, he just wanted to know what Tris was doing. He'd looked… He'd been so…

"Look, I'm worried about him," Joker said, lowering his voice. "He's been on edge lately and—damn, why am I explaining this to a machine?"

"I can understand your concern."

"No you can't."

"Should I relay your concern to Yeoman Chambers? As the psychiatric officer appointed by Cerberus her presence may be of use to Commander Shepard."

"God no. Last thing he needs. He'll try to eject himself out the nearest escape hatch."

EDI was silent for a moment – a second or so, really – before piping back up. "May I ask a question?"

"Yeah, what?"

"I understand how the human brain works – however I do not understand how logic does not override emotional responses. It is my understanding that Commander Shepard would benefit from speaking with Yeoman Chambers and that in his conversations he should come to a logical conclusion to a problem. However, Commander Shepard will not speak with Yeoman Chambers and distrusts all psychiatric professionals."

Joker bit at the skin on the side of his thumb and then looked at EDI. "Logic rarely has anything to do with emotions, EDI. Hell, emotions are pretty much illogical. Guess you'll never understand that, not like you feel them or anything. Just trust me on it. Emotions can't be explained away with logic."

A nanosecond of silence. Joker figured EDI was taking time to reassess information before replying. "Commander Shepard is currently sitting in his room answering messages."

Joker slid his thumb from his mouth and stared at EDI.

"No steamy details."

Incredible.

The moment his shift was over Joker thumped Hawthorne on the back and then beat a hasty retreat, casting only a parting glance at EDI's avatar before giving her a slight wave. Not that he liked her. Still didn't like her. Not even a little. Maybe a teeny, tiny bit. Just a touch. He nodded to Kelly as he passed and slipped into the elevator just before the doors closed behind a group of departing officers.

A little part of him wanted to think that if Tris was answering messages and going about his work he was probably fine, but the much larger, more sensible part of himself told him to trust his intuition and that there was no way in hell Tris was _fine_. Something had upset him and put him back in a mood and what, he'd been too much of a man to admit he had a problem?

Joker shook his head. "Men suck," he muttered under his breath as his brushed his hand over the red panel outside Shepard's door. He wasn't sure he was deserving of the unlimited permission Shepard had given him to his quarters, but he wasn't arguing. "Alright, spit it out. I am allowed to know what happened now, right? Because I'm way too curious for my own good."

Shepard paused and then his fingers continued to spread across the console as he typed. "It was stupid."

"Stupid, rational, whatever. EDI's been giving me some interesting insight into logic today." Joker sighed and came to rest his hands on Shepard's shoulders. The Commander flinched and then forced himself to relax. "Geez, Tris… What the hell happened?"

"I told you: Nothing." Tris shrugged Joker's hands off his shoulders and went back to typing.

That hurt. He really wished it didn't, at least not quite so much, but it fucking hurt. Tris had told him that he would listen to anything Joker had to say, that he'd put up with moods and tantrums and crying if he had to, yet he couldn't even trust Joker would do the same for him? "Hey, I didn't do anything to you," he snapped. He couldn't help it. It was just a kneejerk reaction to when someone hurt him.

"And I don't want to talk about it."

He bit at the inside of his cheek and stared at the back of Shepard's head, trying to force down the anger that was building in his stomach. Anger and hurt were so intertwined that he found it hard to separate one from the other. Years of bullying, teasing and damnable _sympathy_ from people had taught him to snap back, to hurt people with his words and laugh at those who couldn't keep up with some verbose riposte. He didn't want to snap at Shepard – he could tell when someone was hurting – but he also found he just couldn't stop himself. "Don't want to talk about it. Right. Wouldn't want to blubber on Joker's shoulder, after all. Break me with your macho tears, I'm sure. Can't prop you up physically so definitely can't do it emotionally, right?"

Shepard slammed his hands on the edge of the desk and Joker took a step back. His heart jumped into his throat as Shepard spun his chair and stood to face him.

"I said I didn't want to talk about it," Shepard said.

"And I'm trying to be here for you! But hey, don't trust me or anything. That would be stupid. After all, the only thing I'm good for is flying your ship and getting people killed."

Shepard grabbed the helmet off his desk and thrust it at Joker. "Yeah, you want to play it that way? Fine. But I was the one who fucking died, not you." He flung the helmet to the ground and it bounced across the floor, rolling down the step towards the bed. "I _died_. Can you understand that? Somewhere amongst your crying about how unfair your life is do you remember at all that I _died_?"

Joker swore in pain as he felt his fist connect with Shepard's jaw. The delicate bones in his fingers snapped – shattered – against bone and metal. He collapsed backwards against the wall, nursing his hand against his chest. The swirl of realization of just how stupid he was smacked him along with the more than healthy fire of agony. He didn't punch people, most of all who the hell attacked Commander Shepard? He stared at Tris, watching him rub his jaw, his eyes tinged red but staring right back at him. "You're an asshole," Joker hissed. "I'm outta here." And it was difficult to drag himself away but his stupid pride and arrogance wouldn't let him stay.

And Shepard let him go.

* * *

"Shit!" Shepard slid to a stop as he watched the aircar fly away. "Shit, shit!"

"And so the Wheel of Fire mills another soul. Entropy wins."

"We can still catch him. Come on!"

Thane shook his head and looked down at the corpses of Talid and his bodyguard, the fresh bullet wounds, the blood soaking across the floor. "Entropy always wins."

"Fuck!" Shepard kicked the panel beside him, his armour clanging against the metal. He kicked it again, the rush of pain lancing up his shin bone. "I had him! He was right there and then he just fuckin' disappeared! That stupid kid in the storage room, couldn't get out of the damn way…" He kicked the panel again and it yielded and dented.

Thane placed his hands behind his back, standing straight. "We should leave. It is not best to be present when the authorities arrive."

Shepard followed him, silently at first. It was hard to find words, although the want to speak bubbled against his tongue. Thane had asked him to help, to stop his son from becoming a killer…and he'd fucked it up. Talid had been right there and all he had to do was slip through the storage room and keep an eye on him and then that damn kid! "I'm sorry, Thane."

"I said I would help you against the Collectors. It gives me something to focus on."

"You shouldn't have to focus on something to take your mind off this. You shouldn't have to…" He growled and wiped his hand across his forehead, scratching at this skin, his helmet propped under his arm. "This is my fault. I'll find him. He can't have gone far. I'll find him and you'll get another chance."

Thane stopped and looked back. "I failed to save my son. He was my last chance to leave the world better than I found it. You have my promise, Shepard."

There was no point in tracking Kolyat down after this. He had taken a life. There was no going back.

You could never go back.

"I will either die on this mission, or I will die a few months after. My wife…is dead. My son is lost. My body's acts in this life are tales never to be told. When I'm gone, it shall be as though I never lived." Thane turned to stare out into the space around the Citadel. "The dark in between the stars is enormous. May I ask you…what is the point? The galaxy is small compared to the endless sea of dark space."

Shepard turned to stare out into space. What was the point? He wished he knew. The dark space between stars seemed to be increasing with each passing moment of his life.

* * *

"Sorry if the mechs scuffed your pads."

Shepard looked Ronald Taylor up and down. He had no idea who they were. He had no idea who Jacob was. He felt Miranda tense at his side and she lowered her gun, but didn't holster it.

"I'll get you something nice when we get back to Alliance space. I've got to have some back pay coming."

He laughed and shook his head. Across the water he could see birds skimming the surface of the ocean, sunlight reflecting off the spray. He barely heard Taylor's shit-arse excuse for an excuse. Thought he could just laugh all this off, just pretend it never happened. Pretend he hadn't used this planet as a way to play King of his own little harem.

Shepard turned and grabbed the man's collar. "How'd it feel? Enjoy yourself with those poor women?" He dropped him and the man scrabbled backwards.

"Who are you?"

Jacob looked at his father. "Taylor. Lieutenant Jacob Taylor."

"Jacob? My Jacob?"

"Well, not going to try to explain yourself? Go on, Taylor. Tell your son what it was like. Words of wisdom? You too can be ruler of a planet of drugged women who are at your beckon call if you follow my advice."

"Please…"

"Commander," Miranda said and touched her fingers to Shepard's arm.

"You don't understand! The realities of command…they change you!"

"Yeah, they do change you. But you've got to be a pretty sick fuck to do something like this. Ten years. You chose to do this to your crew. Don't try to palm it off to the difficulties of command. I should know." Shepard turned and rested his hands on the guardrail. This place seemed idyllic.

"I wanna know there was an actual reason," Jacob said. He thrust his finger into his father's chest.

But some people were so full of themselves they thought they could talk their way out of anything. Shepard gritted his teeth and stared down at the water.

"You're not even worth pulling the trigger," Jacob said. He had his finger on the trigger, just a hair away from applying enough pressure to discharge the weapon. Except where would that get him? This was still his father. Still a man. It wasn't up to them to play executioner. "My father was a different man. He owned his mistakes." He handed Taylor the pistol and stepped back. Over the man's shoulder the hunters were lurching down the path, crouching behind a downed crate.

"This weapon is only half charged! It won't stop them!"

"It's not for them," Jacob said.

They left. The hunters didn't even look at them as they walked past, their attention squarely on Ronald Taylor and as they rounded the corner they heard the single shot and the screech of birds overhead.

There was no imagining what it must feel like to know that your father – the father you thought to be dead – had done something like this. To know that he had become so twisted, so ruined, that he would even attempt to talk his way out of his own retribution, well, maybe it would have just been better if Jacob had continued to believe that his father was dead.

They returned to the _Normandy_ in absolute silence. The hum of the shuttle and the blankness of space.

"Commander," Jacob said with a nod as soon as they cleared through decon. Miranda touched his arm and her lips moved as she whispered something to Jacob.

"Can I walk with you?" Shepard asked. Jacob shrugged.

" _Alliance ships are inbound to pick up survivors, Commander. We'll be long gone by the time they get here."_

Shepard felt his breath stick in his throat and he jutted out his chin as he heard Joker's voice over the loudspeaker. "If they even get a glimpse, you're restricted to decaf," he answered.

" _Great. May as well serve it in the airlock. Hard ass…"_

Easy banter. Void of any real emotion. His chest constricted and he focussed his attention on Jacob instead. "Saying I'm sorry about your father isn't really going to cut it, I know," he said. "But I'm not sure what else I'm supposed to say."

Jacob shook his head. "Yeah. Look, I really want to speak with the Illusive Man about this. He's gotta know something."

Shepard shrugged and followed him to the Communications Suite. Miranda was standing between the projectors, her arms crossed, hip jutted to the side. Jacob walked into the beams and stood behind her. Shepard sighed and joined them. He folded his arms across his armoured chest.

"Well, seems like this is some of your doing," he said.

"If I had leaked the information about the Gernsback, I would be smiling at your resolution of the situation. I am not smiling."

"Pain and emotional trauma? Seems right up your alley."

"Don't presume to understand my intentions, Shepard." The Illusive Man inhaled deep from his cigarette and let the smoke trickle out from between his lips. "Cerberus is ultimately about humanity. My people are valuable to me."

Miranda looked at the floor, her hair sweeping across her face. "I forwarded the information."

"Miranda?" Jacob asked.

"Was it supposed to be a favour?" Shepard asked.

Miranda pursed her lips and then looked up at Jacob. "There was a time when this mattered to you. It seemed like keeping an old promise. I'm sorry it turned out the way it did."

"Miranda, we will discuss your liberal interpretation of security protocols in private. Shepard. Jacob."

The holographic emitters powered down and they stood in the middle of the room, looking at each other. Miranda swallowed whatever else she wanted to say and brushed a strand of hair from her face before she turned and left. Jacob watched her but didn't stop her.

Pain made it so hard to do the right thing, to reach out to someone and draw them closer. Shepard ran his hand over his hair, scuffing his boot on the floor.

"I've already dealt with his death. He died a long time ago, Shepard," Jacob said, trying to keep the calm in his voice, but it was raised, just distraught enough, just pained enough to belie his wannabe cool.

"Did you suspect Miranda sent the intel? She didn't say anything down there."

"No. She's got a good memory. Selective, but good. I haven't thought about those days in a long time." Jacob turned his head and stared at the door. "Can't figure what promise she meant. She…requires a better man than I."

"I think Miranda will choose the man she wants," Shepard said. "But if it is you, then I wish you luck. You'd need it."

"Yeah." Jacob sighed and leant against the wall. "I appreciate what she did. Hey, it wasn't the end either of us wanted, but there's resolution. She meant the best for me."

"Miranda is hard on the outside but when she cares about someone…" Shepard scuffed the toe of his boot on the floor. "She has the best intentions."

"I heard about Thane's son. Tough break. Seems like he had the best intentions for his kid, too," Jacob said.

Shepard huffed a short laugh. Yeah. But Thane had led by example, something he'd always tried to do as a commanding officer, something he'd learnt from his own father. He just wished he could have helped Thane with his last play for redemption. "He got away. Was watching and…missed our opportunity. Thane was on his heels but it was too late. I wish I could have helped more."

Jacob shrugged. "Yeah, but shit, what you gonna do? Can't win them all, I guess. I don't envy you. Don't think I could make those sorts of decisions."

"Wish I didn't have to make them either," he said.

"Out of all of us, you could probably use the space to vent," Jacob said. He folded his arms and looked Shepard up and down.

Vent. Yeah. Something that Joker had offered him. Acceptance, space to talk, and he'd thrown it in his face. Not his best move ever. But it was hard. Would his death always hang between him and Joker? He didn't blame his pilot at all, he never had, but Joker needed to understand that…Shepard had died. He wasn't entirely sure who this man he was now _was_ , and maybe he needed time to get to know him better. He scratched at his neck. "I still don't understand why I was given a second chance."

"Survivors guilt," Jacob said. "Command is a shit job. But someone's gotta do it. Prefer it was you instead of someone like the Illusive Man. Is there anything human even left in his eyes? You own that responsibility, Shepard."

"But two years changes things. A lot. I was dead. Not just a story or a rumour – I remember dying. I can't help that it changed me." He knew it had. The man he used to be was a shadow now, something he looked back on, like the helmet in his quarters. A trinket, a souvenir, but only a note of a song already played.

"You keep running into people who've changed."

"Yeah. Can't blame them, either. But to me it's like I just saw them…I expect them to be the same."

"They changed because they lost you," Jacob said. "I'm starting to see how hard that could be."

Shepard kicked at the floor again. Time changed people, loss changed people, but he didn't want to be responsible for changing people. He didn't want to be responsible at all. "It's like someone chucked me at all of this without my permission, y'know?" He wasn't sure why he was telling Jacob all of this, but now that he had started the words suddenly came to him and tumbled out of his mouth in a mess of things he'd held back until his problem just didn't make sense anymore. "That I was going to be responsible for saving the galaxy, taking down the Reapers, and keeping everyone together and happy. It's like someone put their hand up for me while I was outta town and now I'm stuck with the job nobody wanted."

"You make your choice every time you fight back."

"That's not a choice. Fight or get killed. Fight or get someone else killed."

"That's when choices matter the most. You could be just like any of the others who just give in. You don't give in. It might be a shit job, but you do it, at the cost of your own freedom, and you won't stop doing it. That's why I wanna fight with you, Shepard. It finally feels like I could make a difference. But talking about it doesn't make it go away. All this shit – felt good to say it, huh?"

Shepard nodded, and felt dumb doing so. He'd always hated talking to shrinks, damn, he hated talking to anyone about his problems. He didn't want to be anyone else's burden. Even if they wanted him to be.

"You've dealt with it before. You'll keep dealing. But when this mess is over, we all gotta have somewhere to go. You and Joker, huh?"

His cheek twinged with the ghost of a smile. "You okay with that?"

"Doesn't bother me who someone has keeping them warm at night. We all need someone. He's a good guy. I think he's good for you."

Him and Joker. Shepard smiled and touched his thumb to his lip. Joker was a sun – a constant energy. Always there, his effect abundantly clear at the back of his mind, but in two years Joker had changed, too. Maybe right now they needed time to understand who the other had become and come to terms with that change. But when he thought about Joker, the same rush of euphoria fell upon him, a calm that held him and he wanted nothing better than to lay his head on Joker's lap and close his eyes. Deep down, below the changes that two years had brought, it was still Joker – Jeff – who had been there all along. Waiting.


	28. Faster from My Past

Shepard leaned back against the cold bulkhead. Jack was wringing her hands together, her feet shuffling on the step beneath the one she sat on.

"I want to go to the Teltin facility on Pragia. I want to go to the centre of the place, my cell. I want to deploy a big fucking bomb. And I want to watch from orbit when it goes." Jack stood. She ran her hands over her scalp.

"While I'm no fan of the Illusive Man, I don't know if he'd approve."

"The file says it was shut down after my escape. They going to care if I blow up a garbage dump?"

"Why do you even care about blowing up a garbage dump?"

"My whole life I've been looking for this information. I can't just sit on it."

"And blowing up a deserted base is going to give you closure?"

"Yeah, I guess it is. Whatever chance I had to be normal, Cerberus stole that by trying to turn me into some super-biotic. They let me suffer. All I know…is a little girl crying in a cell, begging for the pain to stop."

Shepard bit down on his lip and looked at the ground. Humans were all basically wired the same, wanted the same things; shelter, protection, love… Jack had been denied any sort of real childhood, just as Miranda had, and now they both searched to regain what they had lost and to suppress their own painful memories. Miranda dedicated her time and energy into giving Oriana a life, while Jack…Jack wanted to burn everything that linked back to her painful past.

"If this is what you want, Jack, we'll go. I'll even press the button with you. But this all happened a damn long time ago. You're strong now; you're more than all of this."

"Just let me do this, Shepard. I want to stuff everything into a little box and blow it all to hell."

"Then you've got my arm."

"Good." Jack sat back down on the step. "Good. …I owe you, Shepard."

Shepard didn't question her further. He let her have time, kept his distance as they geared up and didn't say a word on the shuttle trip down to Pragia after the _Normandy_ arrived in orbit. Jack filled the silence with observations on the base, the planet, even the weather. But Shepard was watching her hands, the way she fiddled with her pistol and how she rocked back and forth in her seat.

" _Shepard, I am picking up thermal signatures everywhere except at your landing zone,"_ EDI said.

"Sensors have gotta be off," Shepard said and checked the readout on his Omni-tool.

"This was a secret Cerberus base," Samara noted.

Normally Samara would not have been his first pick for a squad mate but something about her presence calmed Jack. Whether it was because Samara was a Justicar, he couldn't know. In all honesty…he thought that it may be because Samara was a mother. The thing Jack had never known but probably wanted more than anything else. There was something about a _mother_ , even if they weren't your own.

Shepard leaned against the window and stared down at the base. When he'd been dragged from Mindoir, dirty, bleeding, scared into absolute silence, a Marine had bundled him into blankets and touched warm fingers to his forehead to check a gash.

" _Not bleeding too bad. You're a tough kid."_

_He looked at her. His hands were shaking._

_She smiled. Her brown hair was tied back into a bun at the base of her neck. Around her eyes were the telltale signs of age; faint scratches of wrinkles that doubled when she smiled. "You're about my son's age. His name's Jaime. I hear your name's Tristan."_

"… _Tris."_

" _Tris. Of course. Well, Tris, is there anything I can get you?"_

" _Where's my mom?"_

_He saw the Marine flinch at the question. She dabbed the edge of the blanket against the wound on his forehead as she searched for the words. "I'm…I'm sorry…" she stammered out and then leaned forward and placed her arms around his shoulders. He pressed his face against her armoured shoulder and closed his eyes._

He just wished he could give Jack something real: a family, parents, hell, even something to look forward to. Instead, he was forcing her to live with the same people that had stolen her life away. No wonder she wanted to tear apart what she could.

The rain splashed against his face as the shuttle doors opened. Puddles dotted the landing zone, the ground beneath the base a jungle of overgrown vegetation and swampy earth.

"Let's get this over and done with," Jack said.

Shepard flicked his visor closed and followed her into the base, Samara bringing up the rear. The facility was dead. Windows had been smashed, glass spread across the floor, rubble toppled across corridors and the vegetation slowly claimed back the land it had lost. Jack stopped in a room ahead of him.

"I think they brought new kids in these crates," she said. "They were messed up and starving but alive. Usually."

Shepard looked at one of the crates. The children that had been brought here would have all been biotic, however weak, or would have been showing potential after eezo exposure. This could have been him.

"This is…unbelievable," Samara said. "How could they do such a thing to children?"

They continued forward, the sound of their boots sloshing through puddles and the steady rain the only noise in the desolate facility. Shepard felt his suit's temperature adjust to the outside atmosphere as they moved into a large, open room.

"What the hell is this?" Shepard asked. He pushed at a downed barrier with his boot.

Jack smirked and shook her head. "It's an arena. Used to stage fights here. Pit me against other kids. Only time I was ever let out of my cell."

"What the hell were they hoping to learn from making kids fight each other?"

"Hell if I know. Maybe that's how they got their kicks," she answered. Jack stared at the broken remains of what would have been the arena, the barriers strewn across the ground, cables spread like the vines that strung across the buttresses. "I was in a cell my whole life. Sometimes they took me out and made me fight. Filled me with drugs. Other stuff."

"Did children die in these fights?" Samara asked.

"I was a kid filled with drugs. I got shocked when I hesitated. Doesn't matter now."

Shepard followed after Jack. Of course it mattered, otherwise she wouldn't be here. But Jack wasn't good at dealing with her emotions. She bottled them up and they festered into rage until she could no longer contain them. She had been used, beaten, broken and now this was what she had left.

It was hard to piece together what happened but room after destructed room they came across evidence of the tests that had been conducted here. Data logs, transmissions between staff, records. But it didn't add up.

"I don't think Cerberus knew what was going on here, Jack," Shepard said.

"It sounds as if this facility went rogue," Samara said.

Jack shook her head. "That's not right!" She gestured at the hologram and then closed it down. "I broke out. I started that riot. This – all of this – is Cerberus' fault! The other kids attacked me. The guards attacked me. The automated systems attacked me. That doesn't leave a whole lot of room for interpretation." She stormed away and kicked a rock at her feet. The doors slid open in front of her and she stopped. "This place is supposed to be empty."

Shepard paused beside her. At the base of the stairs two varren lay dead, riddled with bullets, their insides pasted across the ground. "Fresh. Whoever shot those varren is still here."

Samara slid behind the wall as a volley of bullets rained past them. "Blood Pack!"

Shepard cursed and ducked behind a crate, pressing his back against the metal. Just their luck. Of course they would happen to have business on the only occupied deserted facility in this part of the galaxy. "At least it's just vorcha!" he called to Jack. The comment brought a smile to her lips.

"Let me at them," she said and burst out of cover.

Shepard followed her. He lay down suppressing fire and then charged across the field, sliding through space past crates and barriers. He knocked a vorcha back and two bullets kept it down. A burst of flames cut across the ground and he skirted backwards and threw himself back over a crate. Shepard winced when the Vorcha snarled and he peered back over the crate. The Vorcha turned on him, flamethrower ready. Shepard felt the surge of power run through his body, the smell of burning ozone reaching his nose as he crushed the fuel canister at the Vorcha's back and then ducked back down as it exploded.

"Pussy! Do it out in the open next time," Jack yelled.

"That's about as much as I like to be on fire!" Shepard called back.

Samara stopped beside him and ejected the thermal clip on her pistol. It bounced into a puddle, the water sizzling. "We're clear," she said.

"What are the Blood Pack doing here?" Shepard asked.

"Getting in my way." Jack stormed past them and continued into the facility. They passed more labs, more test facilities, and finally cells with bunk beds set in each. There would have been barely enough room for one child, let alone multiple children. Though from the looks of it they probably would have been grateful to curl into a ball at night – they wouldn't have been moving around much.

Shepard wrinkled his nose in disgust. Dammit…they had just been children. Yeah, Jack had it bad but she had survived – the team seemed damned keen on keeping her alive – where multitudes of children around her had died. They had been placed in horrible conditions, subjected to cruel, heinous tests in which some of them couldn't have hoped to survive. They were pushed to their limits so that they knew where to stop with Jack.

Jack stopped on the gantry and placed her hand on the black glass. "…it's a two way mirror."

"Huh?"

"My cell is on the other side. I could see all the other kids out here. I screamed at them for hours but they always ignored me. They couldn't see me…"

He holstered his pistol. "Are you sure you remember everything the way it happened, Jack? The tests…the breakout? This place is a hellhole but…maybe the kids didn't hate you. Are you sure they attacked you?"

"You don't get it, Shepard. I survived this place because I was tougher than the rest. They hated me for it. I'm sure. Yeah…I'm sure."

She didn't sound so sure anymore.

But Shepard wasn't sure what to do with Jack. He wasn't used to anyone like Jack. If it had been Tali or Liara he would have put his arms around them and held them close, if it had been Garrus he would have thumped him on the shoulder and told him they'd always be there for each other. Jack? He had no idea what to do with Jack. She treated her emotions like grenades, clutching them awkwardly, ready to release them before they exploded. He wanted to hold her, to let her cry the tears he knew she was holding back, but she wasn't a little girl.

His cheek twitched. He kept his own emotions at the same distance, dangling them away from his body lest they become too attached. Scared of what would happen if he brought them closer and accepted, admitted to feeling certain things. Scared of turning back into the scared little _boy_ he was on Mindoir, searching for his mother.

Samara touched her hand to his shoulder and he jumped.

"Are you alright?" she asked.

He opened his mouth to tell her yeah, of course he was, but the words stuck at the back of his throat. "I…I don't know." Honesty tasted strange.

"I feel myself sharing similar emotions," Samara said. "I wonder about my own children."

Jack swiped her hand over another console and the hologram waivered.

" _We'll infiltrate and piggyback onto the Alliance's Ascension program. Hopefully that will—who are? Zero, wait!—"_

"Shepard, they started up somewhere else!" Jack said.

"No, it's alright. Ascension is an Alliance program. It's a school for biotic kids. They don't torture children. Maybe with homework…?" He held his hands up to calm her. Ascension was Alliance, even if somehow Cerberus had infiltrated its ranks (which, honestly, he was beginning to realize happened a lot more frequently than he would have suspected) they couldn't go about torturing children or subjecting them to unethical testing. The program was monitored by half the galaxy. Though it would be information worth handing to Anderson to investigate.

Jack stormed back and forth, clenching her fists at her sides. "I was stupid back then. Weak. I shoot first now, ask questions later. I learnt."

Shepard shook his head. "Let's just move on. We'll do what we came here to do." Though he knew it wouldn't make her feel any better. He opened the large doors and stopped. Blood Pack.

They were surrounded.

"There must be more going on here," Samara said.

"Hey Aresh, it's Kureck. Yeah, the intruders are here. You want them dead, we have to talk creds. You promised us a lot of salvage but this place is a waste."

Samara and Jack drew their guns but Shepard kept his holstered at his side and took a couple steps forward. "So you are working for someone," he said. "I hope he's paying a lot."

"No talking. We kill you, then I'm going in to see Aresh." Kureck drew his gun and Shepard dove for cover. Talking his way out didn't work in every situation.

He reached over the crate and his body tingled as he pulled two of the guards over the railing and crashed them into the ground with shattering force. Shepard could almost feel the adrenalin flooding his senses. It made him faster, stronger, more accurate, but it also ticked away at the human body like a clock – he could only last so long.

Jack charged forward and slammed into Kureck, knocking them both to the ground. But she didn't have the weight or the strength to keep a Krogan battlemaster down. Jack grunted as she was thrown backwards into the wall and slid into a pile of rubble.

Samara leapt over the barrier and put herself between Kureck and Jack, a blue shield rising around her. "You leave me no choice," she said. She raised her arm and Kureck sailed back through the air. Shepard raised his gun and fired off a quick succession of shots, striking the krogan with each. The heavy body fell to the ground, greasy orange blood oozing onto the floor. Dispatching the rest of the krogan was much easier and Shepard had to stifle a laugh. Fighting krogan wasn't meant to be easy, same as geth were supposed to be scary, and asari exotic – he'd been out in space too long.

"Are you alright?" Samara asked Jack as she knelt beside her.

"Yeah… Whacked my head pretty good but yeah, I'll be fine." But she did accept Samara's hand and the assistance to her feet.

"We better go find out who this Aresh is now that we're done with his cronies," Shepard said and motioned Jack and Samara after him.

"My cell is just up here," Jack said.

Shepard wasn't sure who he was expecting but a weedy, scared looking human wasn't it. Aresh rocked back and forth on the spot, staring at Jack. His eyes appeared glazed, far away from what was actually happening. If there was a man here, he'd been lost for a long time.

"I remember you, Subject Zero."

"My name's Jack. How the hell do you know me?" Jack drew her pistol and pointed it at Aresh. She lifted her chin slightly as she stared him down.

"We all knew your face. They inflicted horrors on us so their experiments wouldn't kill you. You were the question…I'm still looking for the answer." He stared back at Jack. The gun wasn't a concern.

"Let's put the guns away," Shepard said and placed his hand on Jack's forearm. It was risky; she twitched, her finger shifting on the trigger but not firing, before she lowered the pistol back to her side and let out an aggravated click of her tongue.

"I see you were pulled back here, too," Aresh said. He shrugged his shoulders, heavy. "This place pulls you back. It follows you. I hired these mercs – we're rebuilding it, piece by piece. I'm going to find out what they knew! Release true biotic potential in humans." Aresh turned to face away from them. "It will be beautiful."

"You're a fucking freak! I wanted a hole in the ground and this guy's trying to restart it? Are you nuts? You lived it!"

"How did you get out, anyway?" Shepard asked. "This place is built like a prison."

"It was a prison," Jack said. She snarled when Shepard glanced at her.

"We all attacked at once when they were taking us to the lab. They would have put us down, but then Jack got loose. When I came to, it was over – everyone was dead…and you were gone. Everything we went through must have been worth something! Something!" Aresh slapped his hands together.

He was looking for answers. Wanted to believe that there was some reason that people would torture and kill innocent children. It was hard to believe that sometimes the universe was just like that. Shepard looked out the window onto the open area outside. More often than not the universe was like that. It wasn't just, it wasn't fair. There was nothing to say that everything was going to work out, nothing to say that it even had to try. It was entirely possible that life was supposed to be difficult – life had crawled and scrabbled its way out of the primordial soup all over the galaxy, struggled and fought to stay on top and watched the weak die out, all for the briefest moments of glory in the sun, to be able to stand on top of the mountain and say 'I made it'. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fair, but was it worth it?

He didn't know. Did anyone know?

"Even if we blow this place sky high, he's still going to be here," Shepard said and motioned to Aresh. "You wanna blow him up, too?"

"Leave me here. This is where I belong," Aresh said.

"Fuck that!" Before Shepard could react Jack's body began to glow blue as she activated her biotics. She slammed Aresh into the ground and he cowered there, holding his side.

"Shit, Jack!" Shepard grabbed her arm, the uncomfortable buzz of biotics tingling along his own skin now. It was hard to suppress his almost natural instinct to fire his own biotic energy back at her. "He's gone. He's looking for answers to a question we all ask: What's the point? If he wants to die here then fuckin' let him. I can't save him and you killing him isn't going to make you feel any better."

Jack glared at him but let the hum of biotic energy fall away.

Shepard lowered his voice. "You don't have to let this consume you. You're better than that, Jack. You're better than him." He tightened his hand on her arm. Her glare faded, too, until she stared at him, questioning him, and he knew what she must be thinking; worried that he was using her for something, that he would betray her, that this was some sort of trick or joke and if she let down her guard she was only going to get hurt. Shepard smiled. Sounded like someone else he knew. "Please trust me, Jack. I know it was Cerberus that forced us both here, forced us to work together, but that doesn't need to be what keeps us together. We've all got baggage – I'm not asking you to understand mine and I'm not pretending I understand yours. But just trust me a little."

"…fuck." Jack shook her head and touched her hand to her forehead. "Go. Just go, you little rat," she said to Aresh.

Aresh scrambled to his feet and ran from the room. Hopefully he might learn something from the encounter.

"He's not worth chasing. None of it is." She slipped away from Shepard and walked over to the window. "This was my room my whole childhood. Nothing's changed, but it's all different now."

"Time gives us perspective," Samara said. "Take your time to look around."

Shepard waited with Samara outside the room. Jack didn't take long, briefly looking around her old room before she joined them in the hall.

"I was pathetic," she said.

"You were just a child. Scared, lonely," Samara said.

"Yeah, I guess so. Come on. No more wallowing – I wanna blow this place to hell."

Shepard grinned and Jack returned the expression. No more running, no more hiding. What had happened was part of her history but it had made her who she was. Now she needed to learn, move on and leave behind the unnecessary hang-ups where she could.

The shuttle raced away from the landing zone. Jack flicked the lid of the detonation container. _Click, click._ Waiting. Building up the courage. Blowing it up was leaving it all behind. She took a deep breath and nodded to Shepard. He smirked and banged the door to the pilot's cabin and felt the swift pickup as the Kodiak accelerated.

The explosion ripped across the landscape behind them, the only indication that Jack had done anything at all.

* * *

Shepard sighed as the hot water ran across his shoulders. Despite being contained in his armour, the rain had given him the chills. Or maybe it was the place. Or maybe it was his past.

He leant against the wall and rested his forehead against the cold metal. If he was a religious man, or even a spiritual man, he might have thought the universe was trying to teach him a lesson. Each time he went with a squad it was like a new lecture, a new test, asking him to assess his life and his choices and learn something before moving on. If he was a spiritual man, he would have thought that, but he wasn't. He was picking out patterns because he was confused and needed the instruction. He was allowing himself to learn from those around him and their own situations. They were just damn good examples.

He shut off the water and grabbed his towel, wrapping it around his waist as he left the bathroom. He stopped at his desk and picked up the helmet there, turning it over in his hands. He knew why he'd taken it, now. He'd needed the visual reminder. The helmet said 'You Died' on it without actually using the words. Up until that moment it had all been sort of a joke, after all people didn't die and then come back to life after two years. People died and they stayed dead, got buried or spaced and people mourned them and then got over it. Right up until he saw the _Normandy SR-1_ it could have all been a mistake. But there was no mistaking the crash site, the wreckage of the once beautiful ship, the dog tags of his lost crew, and his helmet mislaid amongst the snow. He had died in that helmet and it had taken two years and a big middle finger in nature's direction to bring him back.

He wasn't the same. He had been cut apart, put back together, filled with cybernetics and implants, had his gene mods updated, amplifier upgraded, lost his old scars while gaining a hell of a lot more and looked about five years younger. It was stupid to think that he could go through all of that, wake up on the other side with no idea of what was going on, lose his friends, find them changed and broken, and hope to remain the same man. He could never go back to who he used to be, but he wasn't even sure who that person was. Had he ever been sure?

He got changed slowly, pulling on the comfortable sweat pants and tying them at the front. He really just wanted to sit in bed, possibly with a book and spend some more of this alone time he had going on. It wasn't the best solution to all of his problems but he also didn't really feel fit to join anyone right now and as much as he wanted to go talk to Joker, perhaps try to work out some of their 'difficulties', he also didn't really think it was fair to subject his mind to someone else at the moment, which was stupid – he knew it was stupid – but it was reasonable. At least for now. Just until he had a bit more time to process this.

A bit of time wasn't too much to ask, was it? It wasn't too selfish.

" _Uhh, Commander, Jack and Miranda are in the middle of a…uhh…disagreement. Can you head it off before they tear out a bulkhead?"_

Apparently, a little time was too much to ask. He couldn't argue with Joker's use of the emergency channel. "I'm on it. Should go back and get a degree in psych or something. Give up this whole 'Marine' trick I keep attempting."

" _I think the title you're looking for is 'Spectre'. Marine's get leave."_

He smiled and grabbed his shirt. He pulled it over his head and turned to leave. "Miranda's quarters, I'm guessing?"

" _Yuh-huh. Take pictures!"_

It was a small, cute, throwaway comment that couldn't have been more _Joker_ if Joker had tried, but it punched at all of Tris' buttons, making him smile, his heart race a little and his chest tighten uncomfortably at the thought that, God…he missed him.

He stormed into Miranda's office, gathering biotic energy at his fingers. The hair on his arms rose in response to the changing mass around him.

"Touch me and I will smear the walls with you, bitch!" Jack yelled. Miranda sidestepped a chair as it was flung in her direction and Shepard could see her slight shift of posture which could only mean she meant to retaliate. Heck, Miranda had probably been waiting for an opportunity to face off against Jack.

"Cut it out. Both of you!" He looked pointedly at Miranda before she could return an attack.

"The cheerleader wont admit what Cerberus did to me was wrong!" Jack yelled. She got right into Miranda's space, shorter than her physically but no less threatening. Miranda smirked and folded her arms.

"It wasn't Cerberus. But clearly you were a mistake."

"Screw you! You've got not idea what they put me through! Maybe it's time I showed you!" Jack set her jaw, jabbing at Miranda's chest with her finger. She didn't even get a flinch.

"I said enough!" Shepard had to raise his voice, and he didn't like it. There was a tone, the 'I'm in charge, back the hell down' command prerogative that he didn't like to use but would if need be. It got the desired effect; Jack stepped away from Miranda and knocked a glass of water off her desk, just to be obstinate.

"Thank you. I can't believe you two. You know you've probably got the entire male populous of the crew out there placing bets?"

Miranda had enough grace to blush. She looked away and brushed her hair behind her ear.

"And Jack, why the _fuck_ do you care what she thinks? We're here to do a job and you two don't have to get along, but you do need to work together. Save the catfight until after we're done playing heroes. Hell, I'll even put down some money myself."

Jack glared at Miranda. "Fine. I don't care what you think. Besides, I'd hate to miss you getting minced by the Collectors." Her lips curled back into a wild grin. "Seeya, _Princess_."

"Well, thank you, Shepard," Miranda said once the doors closed behind Jack. "It's a good thing you came along when you did. As long as she does her job, I have no problem with her."

"Sometimes it's not that easy. I was lying when I said we don't need to get along. She doesn't need to like you, but I'd prefer not to think if given the opportunity she'd shove you off the nearest ledge into a Collector Swarm."

"She'd have to catch me off guard first," Miranda said.

"Indeed." Shepard picked up the chair from where it had been hurled against the wall. "I know you don't mean her any harm, Miri, but…just try to take it easy on her. She puts on the whole psycho bitch thing but she's not the only one using a cover."

"Even as a Cerberus Operative I had nothing to do with anything that happened at that facility."

"Of course not, but Jack doesn't see that. She sees a face to the monsters in the dark. Gotta say…it was hard to put those thoughts behind me, as well. I know you had nothing to do with Akuze but it was Cerberus who thought they'd run some little tests on defenceless Marines. I know you had nothing to do with the Rachni on Noveria but I had to listen to the Queen beg for her life and had to slaughter her children. You work for an organization that's done some nasty, fucked up shit, and you know it, whether you had anything to do with it or not. Jack just wants to know that someone, even if it's not the Illusive Man or the people who did that to her, is sorry for what happened and can admit that it was wrong, even if it wasn't their decision to make."

Miranda sat down and rested her hands on her desk. "I can't give her that. That facility went rogue. It wasn't under Cerberus' guidance."

"Then just try not to goad her. Please?"

Miranda didn't answer. He sighed.

"Shepard, wait." Miranda stood. She was staring at the desktop. "I'm sorry for what happened on Akuze."

"And I forgive you," he answered and left.

But he also couldn't just leave Jack. She'd been through a lot and had gone to Miranda itching for a fight she didn't get. It would be a miracle if she _didn't_ rip out a bulkhead just to ease some frustration. He stopped and grabbed two beers from the cooler (because honestly, screw the rules, there was nothing wrong with a beer now and then) and then made his way down to Engineering and Jack's self imposed cell.

"Hey," she said.

Shepard handed her the beer and she ripped the top off with her teeth.

"Thanks. I owe you, Shep. I wanted to wipe that place off the map and you took me there to do it." She settled back on her cot, staring up at the ceiling, resting her beer on her stomach. "You don't know what it's like to have garbage like that following you. Marks you in ways you don't expect."

He popped the cap off his own beer and took a swig. "Yeah, wouldn't have any idea at all… Come on, Jack, I know you read my file. I said I had baggage. We all have baggage, even Miranda."

Jack smirked. "I like that. I piss and moan and you tell me to grow the fuck up. The victim stuff? It's not me…it's half me, maybe. You showed me that I could become like Aresh. He was trapped in the past. I'm not getting stuck like that."

She stood, swinging the beer bottle between her fingers so that the liquid sloshed over the lip. "Seriously though, you did something for me and…ah shit…I'm not good at saying thanks."

"It's alright, I get it. Wouldn't want to admit you like me or anything, right? You know, I keep saying you don't have to keep hiding down here…"

"I'm not hiding. I told you, it's dark, it's safe."

"So, hiding…"

"I know what's best for me, Shepard." She sat on the edge of her cot and looked away from him.

"C'mon, Jack. We've been through some stuff now. Can you at least try to pretend we're friends?"

"I don't need the complication."

Shepard had to bite back a laugh. This had to be the reason Joker and Jack hit it off right away. They kept to themselves and understood each others neuroses. He sat down next to her so that she was forced to look at him. "Talk to me."

"Go away. I'm not interested in this dumb shit. Friendship? Love? It never goes right."

"You keep telling yourself that and it'll be true. Jack, I'm not asking us to be best friends but just make a little space. Get to know some of the crew, and open up to me a little. We've talked, but you always hold it back. Do you still think that first chance I get I'm going to sell you out or dump you?"

He saw her eyes moving, trying to focus on anything other than him, and he mirrored her posture, one hand placed on his knee, other holding the beer bottle.

"Everyone uses you in the end…" she said and stood. Jack rubbed at her neck and took a long drink from her beer bottle, finishing the last of it and setting it aside. "Murtock. A guy. Used me like the rest…for sex, for biotics. It was fun…but he ruined everything. We tagged a weapons frigate with a batarian escort and separated. He had a choice: leave with the guns, or come back for me." She looked back at him. "Idiot dumped the score and waded into the squints. I made the shuttle but no way he was getting out."

He gestured her to continue.

"I fly for a day or so and then the shuttle kicks out this recording. He set it to play if he hadn't checked in. He figured that would mean he was dead. Talked about the future we were supposed to have, how he planned to set us up a home. How he—" Her voice cracked. "How he loved me and he was sorry it wasn't going to happen."

Jack turned on him then, drawing herself up to her full height. Her eyes were glassy. "You feel, you get sloppy. It's that damn simple."

"He gave his life for you. You would have died."

"So what! You ever see me flinch? Death is easy. Fucking on/off switch. But this…? It just burrows in. I'm supposed to say 'thanks, dead guy'?"

"Trust me, I know about death." Shepard crossed his arms. "There's nothing. Least not anything I saw. No angels or golden gates just…an end. But I'd do what I did again in an instant. I'm guessing so would he."

"And Joker's supposed to thank you? Yeah, I know about what happened."

He wasn't surprised. It was almost public knowledge what had happened aboard the _Normandy_. After all, a good Captain went down with their ship.

"It's fuckin' selfish! He should have gone…you should have gone. Joker knew the risk, he chose his fate and you changed it!"

"I'm not here to talk about Joker," he said. That was a bigger problem for later. "But I see the similarities. You're so much like him. Hurt, angry, just this ball of rage and badly directed spite."

"Great. Compare me to the cripple."

"And the best Helmsman in the galaxy. Best biotic in the galaxy? Yeah, I see it. Jack, it's not easy. You can't just snap your fingers and make everything better and have all your problems solved and dealt with and hope to start again and have everything turn out right this time. But you _can_ start small. Talk to me. I'm not going anywhere, I told you."

"Okay, what the fuck, Shep?"

"We're all pretty messed up, here. It's a requirement. It's not just you, it's Joker and me and Miranda, Thane, Samara, Garrus…do you see where I'm going with this? Crazy is practically stamped on the boarding pass for this mission."

Jack growled under her breath and stepped away, pacing her small quarters. "It's just going to hurt, or I'll end up killing you or something! …and…that'd suck!"

"I'd like to see you try. Bet it'd be a good fight."

Jack threw her hands up and shook her head. "Just…give me some time to think, okay? Just get outta here!"

He respected her wishes. For now. He couldn't keep pushing until she closed down again. This was progress. Winning Jack over was another fight for another time, but earning her trust was going to take time.

Time he wasn't sure he had. Time he felt like he was borrowing, stealing from someone else. If he hadn't been brought back, would Cerberus have picked a new hero? Would Tali and Garrus died or fought their way out of impossible situations? It was impossible to ask the universe What If? But there was a reason for all this. His second life wasn't an arbitrary circumstance and now that he was back, he was compelled to help. Maybe it was selfish of him, but he had to try. He had to try to make Jack trust someone, he had to try to make Garrus believe in justice again, and he had to try to look forward to some sort of a future for himself, even if he never got to live it.


	29. I Never Heard Bells

"Good thing Shepard broke up that catfight between Jack and Miranda. But I can see why Jack is the way she is. I don't like it…but I get it." Kasumi leant across the bar, fiddling with the paper parasol in her drink.

Joker ran his thumb around the lip of his glass. Horrible girly cocktails weren't generally his thing, but Kasumi had poured and he had sat and drinking seemed like the only thing to do.

"But my heart goes out to Miranda. I don't think I could have picked a side. I'm glad Shepard didn't have to in the end and they both listened to reason. I don't think it would have ended well if Shepard was forced to choose one or the other. Both of them care about Shepard, in their own way. Jack pretends not to care, but I can see through it."

"Uh huh," Joker muttered.

"Man, are you bummed. That's the most you've said to me all night. This Shepard thing is really getting you down."

"And I didn't come here to talk about it."

Kasumi rolled her eyes. "Ugh, men. What is it with all of you? Heaven forbid you were to talk about how you feel."

He looked up at her.

"See, I'm right. So, how about you tell me all about it because I've already got a few ideas on exactly what happened."

It would be easy enough to talk to Kasumi. Despite her self-imposed designation as ship gossip, she had never told any of his secrets to anyone, nor had he ever heard anyone else's from her. Kasumi just liked secrets. But telling Kasumi what had happened meant that he had to understand it – and his feelings – himself. And he didn't.

At the time, he had been angry. Angry, hurt, enough to cuff Shepard in the jaw and break his fingers. He looked at the ribbons of bandage around his hand. The bones were just about healed, but damn, the process of knitting bone back together was always a bitch. He couldn't even imagine having to wait for it to heal naturally. Joker rubbed at his wrist and looked over his shoulder towards the door.

"It's idiotic and I feel like a complete asshole for even getting angry."

"Well as long as you feel like an asshole…"

He pulled off his hat and put it on the bar next to his drink. "So punching him wasn't the best course of action, I can admit that, but he's so damned stubborn and what does he expect from me? I don't even know what he wants! This is why I just stay the hell away from everyone, just stay in my chair and stuff. That's what I'm gonna do. Me and the _Normandy_ forever."

Kasumi gave him _that_ look and he cowered a little. "Yeah, alright, I'm just saying that. Who am I kidding? We all know I love him, why even pretend? I can't even stay mad at him."

Kasumi stared and he stared back, realization dawning over him.

"You just said—"

"I didn't!"

"I heard you! You can't take it back now."

He couldn't help the irritated sigh as he slouched back across the counter, sweeping his glass out of the way. "I just had to go and blab, didn't I? Couldn't keep it to myself. Had to come talk to you. Fine. Fine! I just…" He wiped his hand over his face. "I just don't know what to do to help him. I don't even know if he wants my help. He shoved me away and goes off on another mission like nothing ever happened and it's like he just wants to…" he trailed off, his forehead hitting the bench.

"Didn't quite catch that, Joker."

"Like he just wants to end this," he repeated, his voice muffled.

Kasumi waved her hand at him. "Don't be silly. Have you tried, oh, I don't know, talking to him? Do men really solve all arguments with fist fights? In your case, I'd suggest not, considering from one little punch you did this to yourself." She poked his hand and he pulled it back with a hiss of pain.

"It wasn't a little punch. I bet he felt it."

"Yep, bet you maybe even bruised him a little. Because Shepard isn't some sort of super soldier or anything. Honestly, bring him a beer, maybe even dinner. In fact, invite him out. We're about a day from Illium. Shepard will probably be looking for some down time."

She laughed as Joker hit his head against the bench again. "Come now, it's not so bad. Remember our little discussion? Sometimes you have to just take what you want, Joker, even if you have to steal it."

* * *

He showered. He changed. He even tidied up his beard, which he _never_ did unless absolutely necessary. But he was out to make a good impression. He just wished he was better at making a good impression. More often than not he stuck his goddamn foot in his mouth or did something stupid. Joker sighed and adjusted his hat. He stared at the red panel on Shepard's door.

If he pressed it, would the doors still open for him? Would it be fair to expect that the permission remained even after a fight? Ha, a fight. It even sounded stupid. Theoretically slamming the door and storming out and then ignoring each other for more than a week? What happened didn't even deserve to be called a fight. They were both just too stubborn to do anything about it. They were both stupid.

He pressed the panel to the side of the door that would alert Shepard to a visitor. The doors prohibited the leak of any noise, but there was certainly no rush to answer. Joker had a feeling EDI had explained who was waiting outside and right now Shepard was probably arguing with her about how he didn't want to see Joker and—

"Hey…"

Joker looked up from under the brim of his cap. Shepard leant against the door frame, dressed in a pair of black slacks and nothing else. He had a days worth of stubble peppering his jaw (though, knowing Tris, that had taken most of the week to grow) and his hair was wet from a recent shower. Joker felt his heart leap forward, catch in his throat before racing through his chest. He missed him. Missed him so damn much. Which was _ridiculous_ but the thought of losing him again flashed back to his mind and he felt his fingers burn with the strained memory of trying to reach Shepard. Shepard was just staring at him and damn it, couldn't he hear his heart beating because it was damn near deafening him.

His cap hit the floor near the door. Did he move first? He had a vague inkling of touching his hand to Shepard's arm and pushing him back, or was he pulled into the room? He breathed deep, his hands shaking and he tightened his nails into Shepard's flesh as he felt hot lips tease along his jaw and against his neck. He pushed Shepard further into the room, grasping at him, not sure what to touch or where to press himself first. All noise had become a distant hum except for the racing of his heart, the pound of blood through his veins and when Shepard kissed him it was diving underwater, a rush of noise and then nothing. He felt his nails drag across Tris' back and he could smell blood.

Joker gasped as he was shoved against the fish tank, his back connecting with the cold glass. Tris brushed an apologetic kiss across his lips. He had to close his eyes, his chest aching. It got louder here. The racing of his heart, stronger and louder the closer he got to this man. This man who could disarm him, make him feel so utterly useless and irrational and yet like the most important person in the entire galaxy. The man who if he ever, _ever_ lost again, he was certain that he just wouldn't be able to go on.

He placed his hand on Tris' chest and felt the same racing beat of a heart.

"Wait…wait… Dammit." Joker cursed as he felt Shepard's hips rock against his, insistent, needy, and _damn_ he really didn't want to turn down what he was sure would be some incredible make-up sex but… "Seriously…"

Shepard bit at the flesh just under his jaw and he couldn't help the groan of something that may have tried to be a word. Guy sure was making this way harder than it needed to be.

"I miss you," Shepard said.

Joker winced. Shepard was clinging to his arm almost painfully tight now, pressing him back against the tank. Even if he wanted to leave, he wouldn't be able to. He had to ease out the shaky breath he'd been holding, feeling a little woozy. Suffice it to say that he wasn't used to a lot of _overwhelming_ emotions; yet that was what Shepard seemed to do to him.

"Wait…" he said again and placed his hand against Tris' cheek.

Tris looked up from where he had comfortably buried himself against Joker's neck, but found it hard to meet his eyes. He tugged at Joker's shirt, pulling the hem from his pants where it had been tucked in. "You don't want to?" he asked.

Joker felt his knees go weak. Actually weak. "It's not that. What a time to have morals! Tris…I came to ask you out, but now that just sounds kind of stupid. Doesn't it?"

"We can skip the date and go right to end game." Tris moved so that his leg rested between his, and Joker hissed, his head falling back against the glass.

"…hey, your fish is dead."

"What?"

Joker stared up at the fish. It floated upside down at the top of the tank, moved only by the bubbles that disrupted the surface tension. "Guess that's my fault…"

"You were supposed to feed them."

Joker looked at him. "I didn't know if you wanted me in your cabin."

"I didn't change the lock settings."

"It wasn't the door I was worried about. Though I'm sure the inanimate piece of steel was going to be totally upset at my showing up to feed fish."

His breath hitched in his chest as Shepard kissed him. Not like before, not desperate now, just… He smiled against Shepard's lips. Just nice.

There really was no questioning it. This – this feeling – was love. It had to be. He didn't know what else it could be. The ache in his chest, the racing beat of his heart, the way his fingers tingled with electricity and his body burned with heat whenever he touched him. The way he missed him, and feared for him, and the encompassing relief he felt when he returned and just how long had he been feeling this anyway? Because he remembered reaching out to Shepard as gravity pulled him away and it felt like his heart had been ripped away, too.

"Thinking about something good?" Shepard asked.

"Wondering how much a new fish costs. I did promise I'd look after them. Something about their death being on my head or something…"

"Tell you what," Shepard said. He stroked his fingers up Joker's arm. "I'll shave, put on something a bit better, and we'll pretend that you did ask me out on that date."

"To buy fish?"

"To buy fish. Because we're sad like that."

* * *

"You're really not wearing armour?"

"You don't like the shirt? Kasumi picked it out."

"I like the shirt, but you're not wearing armour. On a planet. Off the ship. Out in the open."

Shepard shrugged and shoved his hands into his pockets and Joker had to admit that damn, he looked good. Just like when he'd gone to help Samara on Omega except…this was for him. He smirked. One of the most attractive men in the whole galaxy (surely!) had done all this for him. Hell, Shepard looked like he could be the centrefold for a pretty damn classy magazine or on a poster for some ridiculously expensive line of men's wear, especially with that damn smug grin of his and laidback posture.

"You know something I don't, right?" Joker asked. "It's National Peace Day or something on Illium? Every gun on the planet has been melted? Nah…I've got it! You're actually made entirely of metal now. New Cerberus upgrades."

Shepard slipped his arm around Joker's waist and pulled him close. "Dunno. You tell me. Am I made of metal?"

"Well you are pretty hard…"

"Oh boy, please, please just leave the ship already!" Kasumi said. She rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. Tali giggled next to her and Joker was sure she had to be blushing or something.

"And where are you two going? Or are you just bothering me?" Joker asked.

"Would I do such a thing?" Kasumi asked. "Tali asked me to come with her. She, uhh…"

Tali whacked her in the arm and Kasumi frowned.

"It's none of your business. Go on your adorable little date. Be sure to have him home before midnight, Shep. I hear he turns back into a _pumpkin_."

Shepard smirked. "I hope not. I had plans for after midnight."

"Smug bastard. Alright, alright, look we're leaving. But if anything happens to the _Normandy—"_

"Do not worry, Mr Moreau. Crewmen Hadley and Hawthorne are both staying aboard so that you do not have to concern yourself with the operations and safety of the ship."

"That makes me more worried."

He wanted to complain more but Shepard ushered him out with a firm hand on the small of his back. It was hard to say no to that. It was even harder to say no to the things Shepard obviously had in store for him; expensive liquor at an out of the way bar, dinner at a nice restaurant. And despite all his protests that a nice, _romantic_ dinner would just be weird he actually found that he enjoyed himself. Though that might just be because of the company, because even at a fine dining establishment, Shepard wasn't very refined. Right down to ordering beer with his steak.

"I thought that Asari was going to have a heart attack when you asked for ketchup."

Tris wrinkled his nose. "It was bland. It needed ketchup. Besides, her night wasn't going to get any better. I already freaked out the entire place because of one tiny pistol." He patted the holstered pistol strapped to his thigh.

"She asked if you planned to hunt your own meal. I think she mixed humans up with turians – or krogans."

"So you still think that I'm charming after I embarrassed you so thoroughly?"

Joker looked up and Shepard had a dumb grin on his face, just a little lopsided, the scar on his bottom lip pale compared to the angry glow of the scars on his cheek. Still…charming didn't half sum it up. "Yup. Sorry, Commander."

"Shit, I thought I had it this time."

"Guess you're just stuck with me," Joker said. He looked away as he twined their fingers together. It felt stupid and childish and he was suddenly reminded of the very first girl he'd ever liked when he was...geez, how old had he been? Ten, maybe eleven? She'd been sweet and kind to him when everyone else had been horrible, she visited him in hospital and played games with him and then helped him catch up at school. He'd done the same thing with her; looked away as he slipped his hand around her's as they were sitting outside the school and she'd giggled and blushed and he'd pulled his hand away real damn fast. Of course, she ended up moving to one of the colonies with her family not long after that and he never even heard from her again. He couldn't even remember her name. Sarah? Sally? Something with an 's', he was sure.

"Look, fish!"

"I see the fish. Geez, excited much?"

"You promised me a fish, we're buying a damn fish. If you make fun of me I'll call him Joker and feed him to Grunt."

"Hey, who's making fun? Certainly not me. I just thought I was going out with a grown man. Marine…? Spectre?"

Tris kissed his cheek and Joker smirked and rubbed the spot. He supposed there was no law saying that Spectres couldn't be adorable _and_ total badasses. Though it might ruin their reputation.

He stood leaning against the wall, watching Shepard pick out fish, because clearly it was an important decision but something he just wasn't informed enough about. He wouldn't have been at all surprised if half of Shepard's extranet bookmarks were about fish and fish care along with Cute Baby Krogans and Hot Men with Shotguns. Joker bit back a laugh. He looked at the glass tank next to wall. Instead of water and fish it was filled with small, furry things. He leant down and looked at the tag.

"Space hamster? What the fuck is a space hamster?" He tapped at the glass.

"I'm guessing that's a space hamster," Shepard said.

Joker rolled his eyes. "Well duh, but what makes it a 'space' hamster? Looks like a regular old hamster to me. They're not green, they don't have antennae…"

Shepard peered closer at the cage. "Maybe they're biotic. Biotic hamsters."

"You could take it into battle with you. Best new squad mate. Bet you can buy them little sets of armour and everything."

They looked at each other. And that's how the hamster ended up being delivered to the _Normandy._

And while they were being completely childish Shepard decided to buy every model ship he could find, they had enough booze delivered to the ship to keep them going for at least six months at sea (though they both promised not to attempt any model ship while drinking said alcohol), and bought a multitude of different weapon and tech upgrades at the various stores they passed. Joker couldn't say they necessarily _needed_ a lot of the stuff Shepard bought but it was fun to splash the credits around.

"Blue Rose of Illium, you have blossomed in a tower of glass and plastic! But beauty under glass is untested and weak. Where are your honoured dead, to fertilize the ground that you might grow strong?"

"Is that Krogan reading poetry?" Shepard asked.

"Erm…I think it might be poetry. Maybe. Kinda… Krogan poetry? Shit, do krogan even have poetry?"

"This one does."

An asari next to them sighed and rubbed her forehead. "His name is Charr. We're kind of dating, but, well…we're on a break."

Joker looked back at the krogan. "So he's reading you poetry to win you over? Seems extreme."

"He's trying to show me how sensitive he is by, well, wooing me. It's really bad."

Shepard cringed. "I'll say. He just promised to build you a garden of the bones of his ancestors."

"I didn't think asari dated krogan." Joker had trouble imagining the…ah…schematics.

"He's a fun guy. Really smart, especially for a krogan, and he's got a good job as a transport technician. It's fun to join a mercenary guild or dance at bars for a few centuries, but eventually you hit the matron stage, you know?"

"Oh yeah, know all about that," Joker said under his breath and he could see Shepard bite his lip in an effort to stifle his laugh.

The asari sighed. "Then you get your back tattoo removed, let your scalp go back to its natural blue, and settle down with someone dependable. But he's so serious. Serious as in talking about kids. Charr is a great guy to date but for something permanent…? Krogans live long lives. It's not like dating a human where you just stick it out for a century until they die. Uh, no offense."

"None taken," both Shepard and Joker said in unison.

"It made me wonder if he really likes me or if he just wants kids. I don't think he realized that our kids would always be asari. Non-asari don't always get that we're not taking alien DNA, we're just using it to randomize some of the genetic information. Anyway, Charr was quiet for a long time. Then he said he would love our girls no matter what color they were. It's tough! I like him a lot. Hell, I love him! But I don't know if he's permanent bond material."

Joker folded his arms. "You love him but you don't know if he's permanent bond material? This is why I never get asari. Maybe it's something about living for a thousand years or something?"

"Gotta say that does sound crazy," Shepard said. "If you love him and he loves you and even wants to have little blue asari girls with you…there's no problem. He's obviously crazy about you and unless you go talk to him he's just going to keep yelling poetry at you…as romantic as that is… You either trust him and trust that you love him, or you don't. If you don't then you've already made up your mind."

The asari looked over at Charr. "I never thought about it like that. I'm going to go talk to him."

Shepard shook his head as the asari went to speak to her boyfriend. "Go figure, huh? A krogan reading poetry to an asari who _doesn't_ want to settle down."

"Now, now, not all asari want to settle down. A lot of them are sluts."

Shepard snorted back a laugh and had to hold his ribs. "C'mon…not that many…!"

"They're all pretty keen to hook up with you and your 'mind', Tris."

"I can't help having a sexy mind."

Joker grabbed his hand and pulled him back. "But I'm not prepared to share anymore."

Shepard placed his hands on Joker's shoulders and went to say something but was interrupted by the beep of his comms. Joker sighed. Always interrupted. Shepard turned and spoke briefly to whoever had bothered him, but Joker could see his expression changing from relaxed to worried.

"What's going on?" Any number of horrible thoughts ran through his head. Raiders had stolen the _Normandy_ , a crewman was injured on shore leave, Gardner had burned half the ship down.

"It's Tali… Garrus couldn't say. Said it was for her to tell me, but he's really worried and she's really upset. Can we—"

"Tris, Tali is my friend too. You don't have to ask my permission to go back to see her."

And again it seemed like Shepard wanted to say something but he got stuck on the words and shook his head and left it.

* * *

"Good thing you're back!" Kasumi said as they stepped into the Port Observation. "I kept her here with me but I think it's best if you see her, Shep."

Joker assumed the worst – again. But Tali looked fine. Other than being curled up on the couch, anyway. No broken bones, no visible suit tears or ruptures.

"Tali?" Shepard asked and Joker looked at him. He hadn't heard that tone of voice before. It was like it was especially reserved for Tali, maybe Liara – the way a man would speak to a woman to calm her, to reassure her. He smiled, just that little bit more proud of how adaptable Shepard could be to any situation.

Tali sat up, her back rigid. "Shepard!"

"I heard you might have a problem."

She wrung her hands together in her lap and stared down at the floor. "It's horrible. I don't know what to do. I-I think I might need your help."

Shepard touched Joker's arm briefly before sitting at Tali's side. "We can talk about it in my quarters if you want more privacy."

"Or we can leave," Joker said. "It's alright. Wont even feel offended."

Tali nodded but it was clear she felt nervous even about that. She let Shepard help her to her feet.

"Come by later, okay?" Shepard said to him quietly as he walked past. Joker nodded. Really, he didn't even mind Tris going with Tali. She obviously needed help from him and it was a private matter.

"You're not even jealous," Kasumi said after the doors closed.

"Why should I be? It's Tali."

Kasumi held her arms behind her back. She rocked on her heels and made a humming noise. A sign of someone knowing far too much and rubbing it in his face.

"Kasumi, I'm not jealous. Besides, Tali knows what's going on. She's not going to try anything. Tali's not like that."

"That's true. She's very sweet. Besides, I think she has someone else to occupy her time."

"You and Tali hooked up then. Good for you. You can make money off that, you know."

Kasumi laughed. "No, no." She slipped behind the bar and pulled down a bottle of blue liquid from the top shelf. "Drink?"

Joker shrugged. He had nothing better to do. He sat down at what was fast becoming 'his spot' at the bar. "What were you two out doing, anyway?"

Kasumi pushed the full glass towards him before pouring another for herself. "Not much. I don't think Tali has many friends. She said she always felt out of place on the Flotilla. I thought it would be nice to have a little girl time."

"Just you and her?"

"Who else would I invite? Miranda doesn't seem the type to enjoy a girl's night out, Jack would probably scare Tali, and Kelly might try to get into her pants. I think it was safer with just us."

Joker raised his glass. "I can drink to that."

"I did ask Gabby but she was going somewhere with Ken. All very hush, hush. We went to see Fleet and Flotilla. Tali was _very_ interested to see that one."

Joker grimaced. "The romance thing with the quarian and the turian? No thanks."

"Well, what exactly did you get up to?" Kasumi asked and leaned forward, resting her chin on her curled hand.

"Dinner and blowing a lot of credits," Garrus said and the doors slid shut behind him. "At least from what I saw."

"What do you mean you saw?" Joker asked. He looked at Garrus. The turian was dressed in full armour and had his rifle clipped to his back.

"I have some wonderful turian liquor, Garrus. A glass?" Kasumi asked.

"No, wait, I want to know what he meant! Is that how you get your kicks, Garrus? Watching the crew ashore?"

Garrus sat next to him. "Nothing so dramatic. I was doing Shepard a favour. Let's just say quite a few people are gunning for his head…and yours."

Another glass was filled with alcohol and Kasumi handed it to Garrus. "He is right, Joker. You should see some of the letters that come through to Shep's public account. It's just logical to take an infiltrator along."

"So…you were following us?" Joker asked. He hadn't even seen Garrus. Which made him worry. If he couldn't see Garrus then he would never see an actual assailant. "Shit…"

"Don't worry about it. Shepard just knows how to be responsible. While you two were having fun, I was working." Garrus took a drink from the glass, throwing some of the liquor back with a sigh. "Nice. Where did you get this?"

Kasumi shrugged, trying to look innocent. It didn't work.

Joker pulled his hat off and set it on the bar next to him. "So…wait, what is it you guys do? Why are you both dogging Shepard when he's off the ship? He asks you?"

"What do you think we do aboard the ship? I can't spend all day reading, Joker. I mostly monitor comm traffic with EDI and look for potential threats. Most are just general crazies, but occasionally there is a genuine threat. I'd prefer to know about it before you run across a frigate bent on blowing us into tiny pieces."

"And whenever Shepard goes out for anything other than a mission, we follow him. It gives him peace of mind. It's hard to enjoy yourself and relax when you're constantly looking over your shoulder," Garrus said. "Though tonight, Kasumi had plans."

"And good plans they were! Besides, it's Illium. While certainly not as safe as the Citadel, it rates a little higher than Omega as long as you stick to the paths and don't go wandering. Considering Shep was bringing you along, he was destined to be very careful." Kasumi smiled at Joker. "It's mostly for your safety, of course. I don't think Shep is too worried about someone actually taking a shot at him."

Joker looked at the counter. He couldn't believe it. How could he have missed Garrus? Kasumi at least had a tactical cloak. "The Citadel… I saw you talking to Tris. You were in full armour. You were there then?"

Garrus nodded. "We couldn't be sure about this so-called Master Thief." He looked at Kasumi. "She could have started trouble. As it was, when she appeared behind you I was ready to take the shot."

Kasumi waved her hand at him. "I saw you. Please, you think I would be that careless? I wasn't going to hurt Joker, just scare him a little."

"And it bloody worked! Shit… How'd I miss this?"

"You're not a soldier. You barely leave the ship. You haven't spent your life worrying what's over your shoulder or around the next corner. It's okay. When I watch you fly…" Kasumi trailed off, looking out at the lights of Illium through the window. "It's beautiful. Like art. None of us can do what you do."

Joker didn't know if that made him feel any better. He felt like a burden. He didn't like to think that people needed to be employed just to make sure he wouldn't be injured if he stepped off the damn ship. "These messages…what are they about?"

"Oh, you know, the usual crazy ranting of half the galaxy," Kasumi said. "Humans call Shep a traitor, batarians call him a terrorist, asari treat him like a celebrity. There's bound to be a little backlash from all of that. We can't hope to do what we do without it affecting others. We usually just don't stick around long enough to see the fallout."

"There's a lot of collateral damage that comes from being a Spectre," Garrus said. "We're just making sure nothing gets out of hand. Gotta say, it's a lot easier with Cerberus and EDI. I still don't like them but I can appreciate the assistance."

"Thank you, Officer Vakarian," EDI said, the blue hologram appearing on the podium near the window. "If there is anything I can assist you with, I am happy to help."

Garrus nodded in EDI's direction.

"There is a pretty strong increase in comm chatter about you though, Joker," Kasumi said. "Seems everyone is keen to find out about you. The man that can snatch up Commander Shepard is big news."

Great, just what he needed. He was a private sort of guy. He didn't really look forward to half the galaxy looking up his profile and trying to get information on him.

"Did you know there is a reward for any asari who can meld with Shep and is willing to share the experience with the media?" Kasumi asked Garrus.

"What? No, I hadn't heard that one yet. Gotta say, I've been amusing myself with the merc groups. Shepard's got them too scared to leave their bases. Security has been doubled on most operations."

"I'm not surprised after we took down that Eclipse smuggling depot on Daratar. That must have cost them big time."

Joker tuned out. He swirled the blue liquor around in his glass, staring at it. To these guys, this was all normal. They spoke about missions, shared stories of injuries and kills, but him? He didn't have those stories. No one was interested in helmsman talk. It would make as much sense to them as talking about squad tactics and new armour upgrades did to him. He wasn't like them. They _were_ soldiers, mercenaries, infiltrators – he was a pilot. A liability on the ground.

He excused himself about an hour later, having finished two more glasses of the suspicious blue liquid that kind of tasted like cleaner, his head swimming a little too much for his liking. He could just fall into his bunk and get some rest, but he promised Tris that he'd come by later. It was later enough, right? He headed up to Deck 1 and ran his hand over the red panel when he got to the doors. They swished open and he peeked into the room.

"Shh…" Shepard ushered him over but looked down at Tali sleeping in his bed. "She wore herself out."

Joker looked at her. He could feel jealous. After all, this was someone else sleeping in Tris' bed. But…he just couldn't be. He knew nothing had happened. He knew nothing would happen. Tali just wasn't like that and he trusted Tris. He almost had to laugh. Yep, he really was that soppy. He trusted Tris not to do anything to hurt him and it didn't even cross his mind to doubt that thought. "What happened?" he asked.

Shepard was silent for a moment. He had his hand over Tali's. "She's been accused of treason."

"What? Why? What for?" he asked a little too loud. He forced himself to lower his voice. "That's ridiculous."

"Of course it is. Tali would never betray the Fleet. But she's scared…"

And Tali felt safe with Shepard. Joker knew that. Shepard had saved her time and time again, had given her the information that helped her complete her pilgrimage, and had been there for her whenever she needed someone. He sat down on the end of the bed and Tali stirred in her sleep, her hand tightening around Shepard's fingers.

"If the trial goes wrong, she could be exiled. Of course I'd keep Tali with us but her home will always be the Migrant Fleet. She doesn't deserve to be exiled."

"She has no idea why she's being charged?" Joker asked.

"None. And surely you'd remember if you'd done something to warrant exile. I'm going to go with her to sort it out. There's no way I'm letting it go without a fight."

"I'll get us underway first thing."

Shepard nodded. "Tali sent through the current coordinates of the Flotilla. It's a couple of skips. I said she could have the time off if she wasn't up to working but…y'know Tali. She said working on the engines would make her feel better."

"It will keep her mind off things. Monotonous maintenance reports do that."

Shepard smiled and Joker felt his tongue catch in his dry mouth. With his own senses somewhat muffled, that smile was damn near disarming.

"We didn't really talk about…y'know, the argument? If you can call it that," Shepard said. He stared at the sheets on his bed, rubbing his fingers over the blanket. "I'm sorry."

"You sure you want to be having this conversation now?" Joker asked and gestured to Tali. "We're not really alone."

"That will help keep me on track. Trust me. If we were alone we wouldn't be talking."

Damn, Joker thought. Could have been a _really_ good night. "I meant to talk about…it… Wow, apologizing, huh? Didn't think it would be that hard."

"You have nothing to apologize for, Jeff. You offered to help and I couldn't accept it. To make it worse I had to make it personal. It was stupid. I was angry and…well, yeah, I shouldn't have taken it out on you. So please, don't apologize. You did nothing wrong. I can just be an arsehole." Shepard ran his hand through his hair. "It's just really hard. People aren't supposed to come back to life. I'm not even sure I'm the same person. What if I'm just some clone?"

"Miranda said you weren't. They wanted the real Commander Shepard. Trust me, I saw. You're the real deal."

"I still shouldn't have thrown it in your face. You know almost better than anyone that I died. You were there…and it wasn't your fault and still I—"

"Tris…"

"Yeah…I apologized already. It doesn't make it any better. How's your hand?"

Joker looked at his fingers. "Well, you've got some pretty tough bone and I don't. But they'll heal up fine. Kasumi kind of made me realize it was a pretty dumb thing to do. The whole talking about feelings stuff? Yeah, turns out I'm shit at it, too. You said you didn't want to talk about it and I got all pissed off when I shouldn't have."

"Alright, so we agree. We're both shit at the whole feelings thing. That's a relief. Still…a week and a half?" Tali moved and Shepard looked down at her. She didn't wake. "I spent a week and a half hiding in here and I don't even know what for. I just keep having all these thoughts. I feel like the same guy – I still remember the same things, still feel like my head is crammed full of way too much information from the Prothean beacon, but it all feels like such a lie now. I give people advice, I lead the squad but I'm just one guy. What the hell am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to keep lying to people? Keep giving advice and I don't even know if it's going to turn out right for them. What about Thane? I said I'd help him and I couldn't. What if I can't help Tali?"

"And you can't be perfect. No matter how hard you try, Tris. You're right, you're just one guy. A pretty amazing guy, but not perfect. Shit happens."

"I can't lead with that sort of attitude. People are following me into a fuckin' suicide mission. They're following me because they think we'll make it. I dunno if we'll make it."

"You're wrong."

Tris looked at him and went to say something else but Joker cut him off. "We all know it's a suicide mission. But we also know that we need to do this. It isn't just about us. If we don't make it back, yeah, that sucks, but we would have done something worth doing. Maybe Cerberus will try to rebuild you again if you get killed, I dunno, but the rest of us? Hell no. And we know it. We're following you because you're the only thing between the Reapers and the entire galaxy. Without you, it all falls apart."

"I don't want that sort of responsibility."

"Well too bad. Tris, I know it sucks, but sometimes you have to be Commander Shepard. Maybe parts of who that guy is are totally a lie, but they're a convincing lie. That's the lie that people follow and believe in. Because it gives them hope. The Reapers are giant mechanical space squids that have wiped out every trace of sentient life in the galaxy for millions of years – we're just us. We've got a handful of races, some ships and some sort of crazy will to live. There isn't really much to hope for in that situation. If Commander Shepard can give people even the slightest bit of hope to stand up and fight, then he has to keep trying."

Tali shifted again in her sleep and Joker cursed under his breath. He stood and walked over to Shepard, stopping next to him. It was awkward but he leant down and stole a kiss from his slack lips. "For the rest of the galaxy I'm afraid you have to be Commander Shepard…but for me, you can be Tris. I can't do much more than that…other than be your incredibly talented and sexy pilot, that is. But I'm pretty awesome at that – takes no effort."

Shepard caught him by the collar of his shirt and pulled him close enough again to kiss him.


	30. Sheltered

Shepard did not at all envy the quarians. His nose itched. Which would not generally seem like the biggest concern this side of the Citadel, but it was driving him absolutely insane and he couldn't pull his damn helmet off even for a second. Couldn't even lift his faceplate. Bloody hell.

He couldn't imagine living his whole life in a suit. While he understood there was a pretty big difference between the quarian envirosuits and his armour, right now all he could think about was how awful it would be to be trapped in this armour for the rest of his life. It was tight, heavy, and numbed or killed all his senses. Even small things – the feel of air against skin, the touch of soft clothing – were subtle luxuries. Something Tali probably wouldn't even remember.

He'd let her choose who she wanted to come with. They were permitted one more person to join them on the Migrant Fleet and, surprisingly, Tali had chosen Kasumi. He thought it would have been Garrus.

"They're all staring," Kasumi whispered under her breath. "It's a little awkward."

"Some of these quarians have probably been trapped on the Migrant Fleet longer than we've been alive. Once they're assigned to a ship after Pilgrimage, they don't often leave," Shepard said. He hated the way his voice sounded through his helmet. He never really gave it much thought but just _knowing_ that he couldn't remove his helmet or gloves when he wanted made it all the worse.

"Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. I am glad you came."

"Auntie Raan!" Tali flung her arms around the older female, resting her head against her shoulder.

"Did she say 'vas Normandy?'" Shepard asked.

Tali turned. "Shepard, this is Admiral Shala'Raan vas Tonbay. She's a friend of my father's."

Shepard gave a curt nod of his head. "A pleasure. Though I did hear right, didn't I?"

"Yes…why did you call me vas Normandy?" Tali asked.

"The Admiralty board moved to have you tried under than name, I'm afraid. Given your departure from the Neema…"

"What? You stripped me of my ship name? That's as good as having me exiled already!"

Shepard looked over. He could hear the waiver in Tali's voice. He would have reached out to comfort her, but Kasumi beat him. She stepped forward and placed her hand on Tali's shoulder. "This way you'll have the best Captain to speak for you. Can't get better than Shep."

"It's not over yet, no matter what we must call you legally, Tali. Your friend is right. Under quarian law, it is your Captain who speaks for you. Captain Shepard, will you speak for Tali?"

"Of course. Tali is my crewmate."

"You would speak in my defence?" Tali asked.

He turned to her. Sometimes it was easy to forget that in the two years they had been apart Tali had grown and matured. He still saw the scared young quarian girl he had saved on the Citadel. "Tali, of course. As quickly as you would jump to my defence. They have no right to charge you with treason. We'll sort this out, no matter what."

"Thank you, Shepard…"

"Our legal rules are simple. There are no legal tricks or political loopholes. Present the truth as best you can. It will have to be enough."

They followed Shala'Raan into the garden plaza and Shepard had to wonder momentarily at it. Surely this was a huge waste of water. Resources were so prized on the Migrant Fleet that watering non-edible plants seemed extravagant.

"It's not much…" Tali said. She stared at him and he wondered how openly he'd been gawking. "But it's a little something to keep spirits up. No one can spend their whole lives surrounded by cold steel. Most of the water that is used on these sort of gardens has been recycled many times and the plant species can live with very little hydration. Still…we can't even touch the plants."

One day he would show Tali. He would take her to Rannoch and she would be able to walk without her suit. Tali deserved that. She was good, pure and deserved better things. She definitely deserved better than this.

"Just go ahead and start, why don't they?" Kasumi asked as they stepped through the crowd.

"Try to get a feel for how the crowd is feeling," Shepard said, lowering his voice. "We might be able to use something you hear."

Kasumi nodded and sat at the back of the gathered crowd.

"This conclave is brought to order. Blessed are the ancestors who kept us alive, sustained us, enabled us to reach this season. Keelah se'lai."

The crowd murmured the affirmation around them and Shepard heard Tali whisper the words.

"The accused, Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, has come with her captain to defend herself against the charge of treason."

"Objection! A human has no business at a hearing involving such sensitive military matters!" one of the Admirals yelled, throwing up his hand.

There wasn't much they could do or say. There was clearly more going on here than the charges the Admiralty had brought against Tali. They were all keen to bicker amongst each other, arguing over who had done what, who had said what, and who was to blame. This is why he'd never gotten in politics or anything of the like. Hell, commanding a ship or a squad was almost too much for him. He wanted nothing to do with dictating how people could and couldn't run their lives, and while he was all for the democratic process, he never wanted to be in the position where his decisions might impact the lives of the many.

"What happened to my father?" Tali asked. Her voice waivered and she shuffled on the spot. She cast a glance back at Shepard and he wanted to reach for her, put his arms around her, but couldn't. She would have to remain strong for now.

"As far as we can tell, Tali, the geth may have killed everyone aboard the Alarei…your father included."

"What? Oh, _Keelah_ …"

Shepard took a step forward so that he stood next to her. His arm brushed hers. "That's how you choose to tell someone that kind of news? Shit… This is idiotic. Let's cut the crap. Right now this trial isn't your biggest concern – it's the Alarei. Let us go in and we'll find what's happened."

Shala'Raan nodded to him. "Thank you. Quarian strike teams have attempted to retake the ship, so far without success."

"The safest course would be to simply destroy the ship. But if you are looking for an honourable death instead of exile…"

"I'm looking for my father, you _bosh'tet_!" Tali snapped. She raised her hand and pointed at the Admiral, her other hand clenched in a tight fist.

In the end, the decision was the same: The trial was placed on hold and they were allowed to leave the Raaya and attempt to retake the Alarei. But Shepard was fast realizing that the rumours about quarians were, a lot of the time, fairly true, at least when it came to their society. The quarians talked. Talked way too much when there was too little time. They were happy to talk, to argue, to discuss how and when and why when all that really mattered was setting to the task at hand. He could also see why Tali might have felt out of place here amongst her people. Tali always got to work, did her job, looked for ways to be better, faster, more efficient than anyone else. She loved to talk, she loved to be around other people, but not to the point of aggravation he was starting to feel with the quarians aboard the Flotilla. Heaven help them all if they actually had to make some big decision like, oh, perhaps band with the Alliance to take down the Reapers? He really hoped he wouldn't be the one that had to try to convince the Admiralty board of that.

"You okay?" Shepard asked Tali. He took her hand into his.

"I don't know… I knew this would be bad but I guess you're never really prepared to be charged with treason. Any my father…I don't know. He could still be alive. I just don't know, Shepard."

"I'm here for you, Tals. Okay? No matter what happens."

Tali nodded. "We should go."

"Shepard?"

Shepard looked up and saw a quarian in a somewhat familiar envirosuit, but he couldn't place him.

"How did you get aboard the Raaya?"

"Veetor," Tali said. "How are you?"

Ah. Right, the quarian who had been on Freedom's Progress. Well, he looked healthy, at least.

"I'm helping Tali with the trial," Shepard said. "And no, none of it's true."

"I would never endanger the Fleet," Tali said.

"Well, good. So, can I help you with anything? I mean, probably not, but – well, you helped me."

"You could speak on Tali's behalf," Kasumi said. "The crowd seem ready to exile her already."

"No! I mean, yes, but I already did! I spoke to the Admirals. I didn't want to talk in a crowd. We both told them how you helped us. Uh, that soldier, Kal'Reegar? I hope it helped."

"I'm sure it did, Veetor. Thank you," Tali said.

There wasn't much else they could get from him and his Doctor didn't seem keen for them to hang around. She wasn't openly hostile about it but it was clear she didn't want them bothering her patient.

Kal'Reegar was waiting near the shuttle dock. He stood to attention and nodded to Tali. "Good to see you both. Wish it were under better circumstances."

"Tali said you were doing okay after Haestrom. Glad to see there was no lasting damage."

"Physical damage wasn't bad. I was down for about a week with infection, though. Figure I got off easy. I don't have to face those admirals. I, ah, stayed to argue the charges against you, Tali'Zorah. You deserve better than what you're getting."

"Thanks, Kal," Tali said.

"I'm guessing you had no luck, then? They don't seem all that willing to listen to reason. And I thought our politicians were bad."

"They're all hoping that what you find on the Alarei is going to bolster their position on this damn war. Shala'Raan and Admiral Gerrel are hoping you'll kill a bunch of geth to get the crowd on your side, then find evidence to clear Tali's name. There weren't many other options, ma'am. I recommended getting you to the Alarei. I hope you can handle it."

"You did the right thing."

"Sad as it sounds, killing a bunch of geth might really be the only chance of redemption that Tali has. They don't seem keen on just believing her testimony."

Tali lowered her head and stared at the ground. "My father is aboard that ship. I hope it's not too late."

Shepard didn't want to be the voice of reason or the cynic, so he left it, but really the chances of finding Tali's father alive were pretty damn slim. If there was enough time for Tali to be charged, for them to come to the Migrant Fleet and get up to their necks in this damn trial, he doubted anyone would be alive on that ship other than geth. Were they alive? Huh, that was the question, wasn't it? The choice behind blowing the geth up or treating them as a sentient race was linked right back to what constituted as 'alive'.

He touched his hand to his armor above his stomach. Sometimes, when he closed his eyes and it was quiet, he could hear the whir of cybernetics, feel something _not quite right_ inside of him. But he was alive. Was there a point in which he wouldn't be alive yet still living? If he died again, would his body continue to move, to fight? He didn't want to test the theory.

The Alarei was everything he expected from a quarian ship. Every space, every corner or ledge had been utilized. They headed through the main rooms which had all been repurposed to communal living spaces, bunks ringing the room, extranet terminals gathered to one side, and through the middle benches and cooking space. Humans wouldn't be able to live like this. There was no privacy, not even the small consideration of a curtain around a bunk. He'd lived in barracks before, spent time in close quarters with other men and hell, even other species, and it was tough. Humans needed space – space to gather their thoughts, evaluate their feelings, and settle a temper should it be worked up. Living like this…there was nowhere to go.

It sure gave the geth something to hide behind, though.

He burnt through a heat sink and the geth dropped to the ground.

"Is it just me or are they getting smarter…" he said under his breath. Tali was ahead in the room and Kasumi was…well, he had no idea. Somewhere, he assumed. He saw a glint of a shield and turned, raising his pistol.

"Calm down. We're clear. Might want a new sink, though," Kasumi said. She ejected her wasted sink and it landed on the ground next to her. "I've never been aboard a quarian ship. It's interesting. Not much privacy though. Sometimes a girl needs a little alone time."

Tali waved to them and they followed her through the ship. The geth were persistent but scattered – if they had been building more units they hadn't had much time to complete more than a handful. Rooms were mostly empty, except for bodies. Lots of bodies.

"Do you think they saw it coming?" Kasumi asked him.

Shepard shrugged. "Depends what was going on here. From the sounds of it…I think it might have been inevitable."

Kasumi looked at one of the fallen geth units. "I've always wondered if they feel anything. Oh, not the way we feel but like, oh, say, EDI? She seems so human sometimes. But she's still a computer."

"What are we if not computers?" he asked. "I know someone programmed EDI. The geth…I'm not so sure. I don't even know where the line is anymore."

"This is one of the storage units I sent to Father," Tali said. She turned the unit over. Empty. "He wanted tech in working order. Something that could be salvaged. Analysed and integrated into other systems." She stepped away and looked out at the hall through the window. "Anything new had priority. Technology the geth had developed themselves. Clues to their thinking."

"They build new things?" Shepard asked.

"Yes…I suppose you could say that. The geth learn, adapt… I checked everything I sent here. I passed up great finds because they might be too dangerous. They might self-repair." She looked back at him and her shoulders sagged. "I don't know what's worse – that I got sloppy and sent something dangerous…or that Father actually did all this."

"Is there anything on these terminals? Logs? Notes? If your father did this…there would be research notes."

"Yes…" Tali hesitated, staring at the terminal. "Yes, there would be."

Shepard waited, watching Tali's deft fingers slide across the terminal console. But he was pretty sure he knew what had happened. Tali would never do anything to endanger the Fleet, and she didn't get _sloppy_ with her work, no matter how much pressure she was under.

" _We locked down navigation. Weapons are offline. Our mistake won't endanger the Fleet."_ The quarian researcher on the screen looked off to her side. _"They're burning through the doors. I don't have much time. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry!"_

He reached over and flicked the screen off. They didn't need to see the woman die.

"Most of the data is corrupt…" Tali said. Shepard heard her voice seize up.

"I don't think this was your fault, Tali."

"No… They were performing experiments on geth systems, looking for new ways to overcome geth resistance to reprogramming. Even if I sent Father parts…they weren't sapient. Any research that gives us an advantage is important. That's why I agreed. I suspected he might be testing weapons, but I thought he was just working on new ways to bypass shields and armour."

Tali stepped away from the console and Kasumi placed her hand on her shoulder.

"It's okay. You didn't know about any of this."

"No, I didn't. They were activating geth deliberately. Nothing here says specifically, but… Father was doing something terrible." She wrapped her arms around herself. "What was all of this, Father? You promised you'd build me a house on the homeworld."

"I want to see that happen, too. But this wasn't going to help."

"My home now is just one hull breach away from extinction. A single kiss…" She choked back tears. "A single kiss could put me in hospital. Every time you touch a flower with bare fingers, inhale its fragrance without air filters, you're doing something I can't. Damn the Pilgrimage! If I'd never gone…I would have never known what I was missing."

She looked up at him and an uncomfortable nausea settled in his stomach. Had Kasumi been right? Tali had told him that she trusted him like no other, that she wanted to be able to remove her suit and trust him to take care of her, she had been jealous of Joker, awkward of the position they now all found themselves in. He really had run away with Tali's heart and he hadn't even noticed.

"I'm sorry, Tali…" he said and meant more than what the few words expressed. He was sorry that he couldn't be that person, couldn't be the one to give her everything she deserved.

She shook her head and gestured to leave. Kasumi shot him a concerned look but that was it. Though he expected a mouthful later. Kasumi rarely kept her opinions to herself when it came to situations like this.

With his gun raised they headed through the corridors. More dead quarians. More downed geth. It was eerie but not quiet. Quarian ships made more noise than any Alliance ship he had ever been on – they groaned and creaked, bulkheads popping as metal expanded or contracted, all pulsing to the time of the engine's hum. The next door slid open and he looked through. Clear. Another dead quarian. He lowered his pistol to his side.

"Father!" Tali shoved past him, her shoulder connecting with his arm. He felt his body go cold.

Kasumi made a small sound next to him but didn't move.

Tali shook the body on the floor. "You always had a plan. Masked life signs, or, or an onboard medical stasis program. No, no. You…You wouldn't… You wouldn't just die like this! You wouldn't leave me…"

Shepard felt his heart fluttering in his chest, choking the air out of him as his blood vessels all constricted. "Tali…" He stood behind her and touched her shoulder before grasping her arm. He didn't have to try hard to pull her to her feet, and it took no effort to draw her into his arms. What hurt was listening to her cry.

Tali clung to him. "Damn it. Damn it!"

He didn't really know what he was saying to her; just words, quiet, soothing, anything to stop her sobs. He couldn't do much else than be there for her and hold his arms tight around her. He caught Kasumi's concerned look and when Tali detangled herself from his hold, Kasumi grabbed her hand in her own, squeezing her fingers.

"I'm sorry…" Tali said. "Maybe…" She looked down at her father's body. "Maybe he knew I would come? Maybe he left a message."

Shepard looked away when the small holographic image appeared in the air. He clenched his gloved fingers around his other wrist as he listened. Not a single word of love, of praise for his daughter. Nothing. How hard was it to say that he bloody well loved her? Did he even love her? He ground his teeth. How hard was it to just say three little words? Now Rael'Zorah would never get the chance.

Tali stood. "I don't know what's worse…thinking he never really cared, or thinking that he did and that this was the only way he could show it. It doesn't matter. One way or another, I cared. And I'm here. And we're ending this."

"Tali… I don't know what to say. There's nothing I can say to bring him back and I can't put words in his mouth and nothing I could ever say would be the same as hearing it from your father, but you don't deserve this. You don't deserve any of this. You're a smart and kind person, honourable, generous…and part of my family. I lost my family a long time ago, but I've never been happier than when I'm with all of you. Whatever happens, I will always be there for you and I will always love you." Three little words, slightly expanded, but oh so simple.

Tali turned to face him. "I know, Shepard. I know."

In the end, even finding the evidence they needed to clear Tali's name couldn't help them. He couldn't use it. Tali had begged him and he would never hurt her like that. He couldn't ever stand to believe she distrusted him – not again. He wouldn't use the evidence, and no one would know Rael'Zorah had been responsible for activating these geth.

"What are you going to do?" Kasumi asked as they exited the shuttle.

Shepard shook his head. He had no damn idea. Time to get creative, he supposed. It wouldn't be enough that they retook the Alarei – the Conclave were keen for someone to blame.

"They've already started?" Tali asked as the entered the plaza.

"Hope we didn't keep you waiting," Shepard asked as they jogged down the stairs. "Though you seem pretty sure we're dead. Surprise you?"

"Sorry we're late," Tali said, but Shepard could hear the sarcasm dripping from her tone.

"Shame they aren't," Kasumi said. She sighed and folded her arms. "Politics."

"You should pardon Tali," Shepard said. He leant against the barricade and stared at the admirals. "The Alarei is yours again. Geth all gone, and not without some considerable difficulty, I can assure you. Now end this stupid trial – this proves her loyalty to the quarian people."

"Her loyalty was never in doubt, just her judgement," Admiral Koris said.

"Did you find anything on the Alarei that could clarify what happened?" Han'Gerrel asked.

Tali looked at him but she had already begged and he had already promised. He pushed away from the rail. "This trial has nothing to do with Tali. It has to do with you. It's just a damn good way to push your own agenda. Tali helped defeat Saren, helped defeat the geth and save the Citadel. What the hell else do you need to know?"

"This trial has nothing to do with the geth!"

"Damn it if it doesn't! You want people to sympathize with the geth, Han'Gerrel wants to go into some fool-hardy war – none of this is to do with Tali. Tali is the most important asset your species has and what do you go and do? Put her on trial? Fucking stupid and selfish. You should be listening to her, not wasting her time with your pettiness." He had to bite on his tongue to force himself to stop yelling. The anger poured from him in waves and he could feel the shake of mass around him and see the energy spike around his armour. This was not the time to get thrown off the ship for endangering any bystanders. He took a deep breath and forced back his active biotics. "Just be truthful and don't drag Tali into this. She saved the Alarei and she did so without hesitation. She's shown the galaxy the strength, the resourcefulness and the loyalty of the quarian people. And you'd be stupid to lose her."

Tali stared at him. Her hands were shaking.

The crowd around them were talking, their voices raising. He couldn't tell whose side they were on, though. Were they threatening him, telling him to leave? He could just see Tali and hear his own breath inside his helmet.

"Shepard is right!"

He spun and saw Veetor standing in the aisle.

"Tali saved me. She doesn't deserve to be exiled."

"Damn straight." Kal'Reegar placed his hand on Veetor's shoulder and nodded to him. "Tali's done more for this fleet than you assholes ever will. You're pissing on everything I fought for and everything Tali fought for. If you exile her, you might as well do the same to me."

"Me too," Veetor said.

Shepard could see Tali wringing her hands together as she looked around the crowd. Their shouts and yells were directed at the admirals, not them.

"Looks like most quarians can see sense," Kasumi said and she smiled at Kal'Reegar.

"Tali'Zorah…" Shala'Raan started. The Admirals had made their judgement. "In light of your history of service, we do not find sufficient evidence to convict. You are cleared of all charges."

Silence. It was overwhelming. Tali looked at the ground and Shepard saw her shoulders sag, the tension draining away.

"Commander Shepard, we appreciate the time you have taken to represent one of our people."

He grinned. "With all due respect, she's one of my people. And one of my best friends." He took Tali's hand in his and damned if he cared what anyone had to say about it. He cared about Tali and she was important to him. He wasn't going to let the stupid thoughts and comments from those who didn't know any better get in the way of acting how he wanted. The only person he had to answer to, in the end, was himself.

He waited for Tali to finish speaking to her friends – those who had proved to be true friends – as he listened to Kasumi's musings about the quarian fleet and people. She sure knew more than she let on, not that it surprised him. That was part of her charm.

"I'm dying to get out of this mask," Kasumi said. "Makes me empathise with Tali even more. It can't be easy being stuck in that suit all the time."

"No…" He stared at Tali. "Kasumi, can I ask you something?"

"I've never said no before."

"Tali told me that the only person she feels one hundred percent safe around…is me. That she would trust me if she were to take off her suit, go through the trouble and potential risk of acclimatizing herself. Is it crazy?"

"You're asking my advice?" Kasumi asked. "If I had known you had any interest in women I would have pounced on you myself."

He folded his arms.

"Okay, okay, I know. You're strictly Joker-sexual. Doesn't stop a girl from dreaming. And boy, in my dreams you're—"

"Kasumi…"

She sighed dramatically. "Sometimes you're absolutely no fun. Alright, what do I think? I think it's a little crazy but totally sweet. Tali's right to put her trust in you. And she knows that you…?"

"She knows."

"Then no problem. Tali is always going to have a little sense of hero-worship when it comes to you, Shep, but she's a smart girl. She isn't going to cling to something or make something out of nothing."

Shepard's shoulders slumped and he breathed out the breath he had been holding.

"Though I would probably check it's okay with Joker, first. He might feel a little threatened knowing his boyfriend was going to be getting an adorable quarian girl naked."

"What are we talking about?" Tali asked as she joined them. Kasumi had to laugh.

* * *

"What happened in the end?" Joker asked.

Tris sighed. He rubbed his hand over his forehead. Tali had gone down to Engineering as soon as they returned. She needed some time alone to process what had happened, but he knew for a fact that Kasumi had followed her - cloaked, of course - just to ensure she was alright. He couldn't even imagine what was going through her head right now. She might have escaped the verdict of treason, she was still a member of the quarian fleet, but her father was dead and his only words to her was to ensure that his research went towards fighting the geth.

"I'm going to assume it didn't go well," Joker said. He sat behind Tris and placed his hands on his shoulders before wrapping his arms around him.

The stress drained out of him. He could almost imagine it pooling on the ground at his feet. He placed his hand over Joker's.

"...your hand is shaking."

He narrowed his eyes and paused. It was. He concentrated on it, trying to still his nerves.

"Shit, Tris...what the hell happened? I know it's not okay to talk about something private but...damn..."

He felt Joker shift behind him and he was dragged back against his chest. Normally he would hold back, move his weight to keep Jeff safe and comfortable, but the urge to curl against him was overwhelming. He breathed out and closed his eyes as Joker smoothed his hands over his, running down each finger and across the tendons on the back of his hand.

"Tali's father... He-" Did it even make sense? It wasn't his father - his father had died years ago and he knew his father had loved him. "He died on the Alarei. Killed by the geth he brought online. Stupid...stupid thing to do. He wanted to find a way to...kill them, I guess? They were trying to develop a virus to distribute into the geth system, maybe to put them back under quarian control, or take them down altogether, I don't know. He wanted to retake Rannoch and build Tali a home there."

"Is she okay?"

"Her father just died...I don't think she's okay. He left her a message and didn't even say he loved her. He was caught up on the damn war. He could have just said he loved her...he was proud of her."

"He wanted to give Tali a home. That's not that bad."

"All he had to say was that he loved her." He turned his head slightly and inhaled. Joker always smelled like clean soap and leather. He let the smell fill his head and senses.

"...what was your father like?" Joker asked. He ran his hand through Tris' hair, brushing the dark spikes away from his forehead.

He ran his tongue over his lip and the raised scar. "Different to my mom. Quiet, contemplative. He always had his head in a book. But he loved her...more than anything."

"And he loved you?"

He paused. Of course his father had loved him. Sometimes it was hard to see, but he loved him just as much as he had loved his mom. His father had been harsh sometimes, warned him against joining the Alliance military, always warned him about wasting his intelligence. His father wouldn't have liked that he had joined, but if they were still alive...maybe he wouldn't have. But his father had always encouraged him to learn, told him how proud he was when he did well at school, and was never afraid to show his affection, even if it was just giving his son a kiss on the forehead before going to work. Tris smiled and touched his forehead, his fingers brushing up against Joker's.

"He gave his life to save me. When the batarians raided Mindoir it was absolute chaos. I saw things that I still have nightmares about. My mom caused a distraction and he grabbed my hand and ran. I don't even know how my mom died. She could have been shot...could have been tortured and a chip shoved into her head. For all I know, she could be alive somewhere, a batarian slave." He crushed his eyes closed, trying to push away the emotion. He knew it couldn't be true. The Alliance had identified her body. But it didn't stop the nightmares. "He shoved me into one of the polytunnels. They're shielded against radiation to introduce new species onto Mindoir. I could have done something..."

"You were a kid."

"I was more worried about the damn cat. I had her crushed against me... Thing was going to die anyway. It had been shot - the batarians probably didn't even know what she was. She was bleeding and I hid in the storage shed. I didn't even try to do anything."

"You were a kid," Joker repeated. "Tris... You lived. Your parents gave up everything for you and they would be damn proud of you. Even your dad who doesn't like stupid soldiers." He placed a kiss to Shepard's temple. "Good thing you're not stupid, though. It'd make conversations with you a lot more boring."

"I'm just saying that I knew he loved me. He told me. The last thing he told me... I love you, son. So easy. He shoved me into the polytunnel and I heard it when they shot him. Batarians never thought to look in the tunnels - any life signs were shielded. But Tali's father... Dammit!" He pressed his fingertips to the corner of his eyes, pinching at his nose.

Tali embodied everything that was right with the universe. She was sweet, intelligent, curious and generous. If he couldn't even make things right for Tali then what hope did he have of solving the problems of the whole damn galaxy?

He pulled away from Joker and shifted to face him. "I need to ask you something."

Joker wrinkled his nose and pulled back. "Damn I hate it when you say things like that. You go all serious and your cheek twitches. It pretty much screams 'Joker, you're not going to like this!'"

"And you're too damn perceptive." Tris took his hand and he saw Joker swallow back anything he was going to say. "Okay, this is going to sound weird...and stupid...but Tali... God. Okay, Tali said that it was possible for her to remove her suit. That with adequate precautions and probably scrubbing myself raw she might get a little sick but she probably wouldn't die instantly from some horrible allergic reaction. Being stuck in that suit... Jeff, I can't even imagine what it must be like. I was stuck in my armor for just a few hours while with the quarian fleet and just thinking about being stuck in my armor for the rest of my life had my skin crawling." He ran his hand over the back of his head. "This is something I want to do for Tali. I don't know if the quarians will ever retake their homeworld, or have another one, so maybe this is all I'll ever be able to give her."

He watched Joker's expression. It was mostly confusion. That was a good sign. He hadn't immediately shut the idea down, he wasn't yelling...good signs, right?

"So she's going to be naked with you?"

Tris stared at him for a moment. He could almost imagine what was going on in Joker's mind. "I was going to give her a robe."

"Oh. Well good. Wouldn't want her to get cold."

"You're a dope."

"Hey, I'm just protecting my turf. From all the attention you have to fight off I'm starting to think I need to piss on you or something."

"I would really prefer you didn't."

"Yeah, me too." Joker leaned forward and curled his fingers into Tris' t-shirt and pulled him closer. "I kinda like how you smell now." He nestled his head on Tris' shoulder and inhaled.

"So, is it okay? It's a fairly intimate thing. Of course, I have no interest in Tali like that, but it is intimate. She's trusting me with her life in a way she's never trusted anyone before. I won't do this if it makes you uncomfortable."

He felt Joker's lips against his neck and he swallowed, fighting back a surge of lust. If Joker wanted to mark his territory in other ways, more pleasurable ways, he wasn't going to argue. Even if it meant sporting a fairly obvious hickey for the next few days.

"This is going to sound lame so don't go spreading it round, but I trust you, Tris."

Tris felt his breath hitch as Joker bit at his flesh, snaking a hand down along his thigh. Normally he wouldn't be the one to turn down some relationship-affirming foreplay but the mess with the quarian fleet had really thrown them off course.

"No time, huh?" Joker asked.

"Got it in one. I got a message from you know who regarding some lost research team or something. Feel like going on a daring flight near a volcano again?"

Joker grinned. "Well I'm already pretty hot under the collar..."

Shepard rolled his eyes.


	31. Commander Shepard

"Holy fucking shit, Shepard, where did you learn to drive?" Jack clung to the harness wrapped around her - something that she had put on within minutes of Shepard starting the Hammerhead.

"I never promised anything about a smooth ride!" Shepard snapped.

"Shepard has never been a good pilot. Maybe that's why he's with Joker..." Garrus said. Despite his joke, he was still clinging to the rail near his head, knuckles drained of colour.

 _"Just using me for my piloting skills? Thought I was worth more to you than that!"_ Joker complained over the comms.

"Not now, _honey_!" Shepard gritted his teeth and pulled the Hammerhead up short as the tunnel in front of them collapsed, dust and dirt swirling into the air.

_"Not to be a pain but we seem to have had this problem before so let's just cut the crap: LAVA!"_

"Shit..." Shepard wrenched the Hammerhead around and it scraped across the stone wall. "Time to get the hell out of here then!" They'd been led on a wild bloody goose chase and while the Hammerhead did beat the hell out of the Mako, he really just wanted some down time. They needed to put the Normandy into dock on Illium to upgrade her armour and shields and he was really looking forward to the forced break from shit like this.

"Joker, we're coming in!" He burned the Hammerhead up the slope as he saw the Normandy rise above the crater rim. Perfectly on time, as always. "Hold on, kiddies."

"Hey, who the hell you calling-shit!" Jack slammed back against her seat as the Hammerhead launched from the slope.

The aim was true but the execution far from elegant. Shepard ground his teeth together as the Hammerhead hit the cargo hold. He engaged the brakes and saw sparks flying as the rover slid across the floor.

Garrus opened his eyes. "We're not dead." He stared out and saw the rover had come to rest just inches from the cargo bay wall.

Shepard sighed and rested his head back. "Look, I didn't do so well in flight class, okay? There's a reason I'm not a pilot."

"Get me the hell outta here! Next time you want someone along, tell me if you're driving," Jack said. The hatch opened and she jumped to the ground and headed across the cargo bay.

"Looks like we finally found something she's afraid of," Garrus said.

"I'll be sure to add that to my file; 'Poor driving skills can scare crazy sociopaths'."

Garrus chuckled. "I don't think they give out medals for that, Shepard."

Shepard jumped to the ground next to Garrus. He looked back at the Hammerhead and winced. "Shit. Erm, well, let's just leave that for the engineering team."

"I'm sure they'll thank you for it. If you tried to even her up you might go through the hull."

Shepard shoved him as they headed out of the cargo hold. Garrus pressed the panel in the elevator and Shepard looked at him.

"I know I'm a bad driver but you need to get engineering to check on things right away?"

Garrus shifted on the spot and looked away. "Ah...no. I was just going to stop by and see Tali. Y'know, see how she's doing."

Shepard smirked. "I think she'll appreciate the company."

He watched Garrus leave and waved him away. He could be so awkward sometimes. And while the thought of watching Garrus make a fool of himself was tantalizing, he had his own problem at the moment. It just so happened his problem involved at least one of the same parties.

"Professor."

"Ah, Shepard. Wanted to talk to you. Medical matter."

"Go figure. That's what I had in mind. I wanted to ask you about Tali."

Mordin paused - briefly - and stared at Shepard. "Meant to discuss Helmsman. Did not expect to discuss sexual dalliance with Tali'Zorah, despite past history of friendship. Mislead as to Commander's preferences? No, not possible. Commander has refused females of all species, file very clear."

"Slow up there, Professor. You have it right. No need to burst a blood vessel."

Mordin opened his mouth to disagree but Shepard held up his hand. Less than two minutes and he already felt uncomfortable and irritable in the salarian's presence. "Let's just get to the point. Tali said that she might be able to remove her suit if she took proper precautions. We're not... Joker and I..." He felt like he was thirteen again and having the birds and the bees talk with his father for the first time.

"Understand relationship with Joker. Don't have to be scientist to see sexual chemistry."

Yep. Definitely awkward. "So, back to Tali..."

"Of course. Precautions necessary. Tali'Zorah already acquired antiseptic - didn't ask why. Would recommend you self-sterilize as well. Take precautions. Forwarding advice to your quarters."

He took a couple steps back towards the door and then stopped. While the situation was already awkward as hell he might as well get some useful information. "About Joker..."

"Osteogenesis Imperfecta. Rare. Quite serious. Have been looking into cure. Early tests appeared promising though all projections resulted in liver failure. Decided not to continue particular line of experiments."

"I'm not asking you to cure him...though if you ever do come up with something I'm sure he'd love to hear it, just try to leave out the permanent organ damage part."

"Symptoms will likely exaggerate with age; Osteoporosis, hearing damage, respiratory problems. However, receiving very good care; Physiotherapy, specialized diet and best technological and medical advances Cerberus can provide. Don't always approve of Illusive Man's methods but results have so far proved useful."

Shepard leant against the wall. Of course he had known that Joker's condition was serious, but...well, he didn't like to think about it. He didn't want to believe that all Joker had to look forward to was pain and suffering in his future. He'd already gone through so much and despite the time and money Cerberus had poured into his care, Shepard knew he was far from what one might call 'cured'. They couldn't even manage his pain one hundred percent of the time. Joker thought he was good at covering up each time he winced or cursed under his breath, but Shepard had spent a little too much time staring at Joker to believe his act.

"Suggest exercising caution. Fragile bones despite Cerberus upgrades. Will forward booklet including diagrams and advantages of mass effect fields. Can also provide oils and ointments to reduce discomfort. Enjoy yourself while possible, Shepard."

And right back into awkward territory. Shepard could feel his neck flushing in embarrassment. "Thanks for the...uh...info, Professor."

It might have been a little childish how fast he fled from the Tech Lab but that was truly a conversation he never, ever wanted to have again.

Well...maybe he'd share a few choice moments over a beer with Joker later.

* * *

Shepard leant against the low wall, staring out at the skyscrapers and the familiar landscape around Nos Astra. The _Normandy_ was berthed in a private hanger as she underwent the somewhat arduous process of upgrading the current armour to the new asari-produced Silaris diamond nanotube sheets. It was obscenely expensive.

It was strange to visit Illium without going to see Liara. EDI and Joker had spoken to her to arrange berthing, and he assumed Miranda had used her as a way to ascertain the best price for the work, but he had been kept almost completely out of the loop.

"Commander." Miranda leant next to him and leant against the ledge. "Beautiful, isn't it?"

He nodded.

"It will be amazing to see what humanity does with the same amount of time. Upgrades are going to schedule." She handed him a datapad. "The upgrades to the _Normandy_ will give us a much better chance against the Collectors."

A pair of salarians gave them a suspicious look as they passed.

"I'd like to mitigate the risks as much as possible."

"We have some of the best technology money can buy," Miranda said. "Including you."

Shepard smirked. "I hope my worth is equal to my cost."

Miranda placed her hand on his arm. "It's more than equal," she said. She patted his arm and then turned and left.

He had to smile as a tall turian just about fell over his own feet as he turned to stare at Miranda's ass. In the end, males were pretty similar no matter the species.

"No, you don't understand! I lost it!"

Shepard glanced over at the asari talking into her comm piece. Maybe it was some sort of weird compulsion he had. He heard someone talking, heard someone upset, and he wanted to find out what was wrong and try to help. He had no idea what this asari's problem was but he wanted to go in, guns blazing and try to help her, or help someone. Sometimes he didn't even know who he was supposed to be helping. It was stupid. He was just one man. He knew he couldn't solve the universe's problems - he was even acutely aware of the fact. Most of his problems came from the fact that he couldn't help everyone. He couldn't even always help the people he cared about.

The asari leaned heavily against the low wall, resting her head in her hands.

"That's how I feel most of the time," Shepard said. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Pardon me, I'm dealing with damn Illium travel bureaucracy."

Shepard looked at her for a moment. He had seen this asari before – he was sure of it.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" she asked.

It dawned on him. "No…no you don't. But I think I have something that you're looking for. My name is Tristan Shepard."

The asari stared at his offered hand. "Shepard. Commander Shepard?"

"The one and probably thankfully only." He shook her hand. "What you're looking for… It's a locket, isn't it?"

"You found it?" she asked.

"I think so. It has your picture inside. And a human male."

"Steven…"

"I have it on the _Normandy._ She's berthed not far from here if you want to come and get it? No tricks, I promise."

"I trust you," she said. "All asari have heard of Commander Shepard."

He smiled at her. Seemed it was easier to keep the trust of those who didn't even personally know him. He led her back to the ship and couldn't help the small, somewhat proud smile as she openly gawked at the _Normandy_.

"You have a beautiful ship, Commander."

"I like to think so. She's like no other. I'm sure we couldn't have dragged our asses out of the fire half as often if we had any other ship behind us."

Two of the crew nodded to them as they passed.

"Do you usually do things like this?" she asked. "I'm a stranger."

He shrugged. Did he? Yes. Was he sure it was normal? Not really. "To me it's just a trinket I saw in a cargo hold. To you, it's important enough to chase bureaucratic idiots about."

She stood next to him in silence as the elevator rose to Deck 1.

"Just let me find it," Shepard said. He opened the door to his cabin. He knew he had seen it just the other day. He'd been looking at the picture and…ah, his desk. He opened the drawer and pulled out the locket. "I believe this belongs to you."

The asari stared at the golden locket dangling from his fingers and her eyes welled with tears. "I can't believe you found this…" she said and carefully opened the locket. "Steven… Thank you so much. My daughter was so young when he died and this is the only memento she has of him." She took the locket from him and brought it to her chest. "She lost it when we moved here. She hasn't been able to forgive herself."

"Glad I could help."

The asari shook her head. "You have no idea what this means. She…she loved her father very much. It's hard to be asari – to love the short lived. To know that most children will outlive their fathers and then one day outlive their spouses. But we hold fond memories. It was hard for her…she hadn't lost anyone so close to her before."

"Then why don't asari choose to be with their own kind more often? It's not all about randomizing DNA, is it?"

"No… Asari are set in their ways. You have centuries to become that way. Other species are fascinating, exotic and wild. Steven was so different to any other partner I'd had. You humans can be so fool-hardy. But it was exciting. He made life worth living again. But he grew old so fast and I had to say goodbye. Being asari means knowing grief and learning to hold onto our best memories forever."

Shepard could taste acid on his tongue. A strange burn that started in his throat and worked into his mouth. "If you constantly lose the ones you love…don't you ever wonder if there's a point to loving in the first place."

She looked at him, her eyes widening, as though his words shocked her. "Never! Humans…you can be so negative. You focus on the death and the loss of what you once had. We don't see it that way. We see what we once had and smile. It reminds us what is out there. That it's worth opening ourselves to others."

"With age comes wisdom, I suppose," he said. "If us humans weren't so nihilistic, we might not be so spontaneous and reckless and then pretty asari would have little to no interest in us."

The asari smiled and held a small laugh behind her fingers.

Shepard led her back through the ship. They exchanged comm codes so that her daughter could send Shepard a message to thank him.

"I'll be sure to send her a quick note back," he said.

"You have no idea what you have done for us," the asari said. "My daughter will be so pleased. Especially that it was _Commander Shepard_ that found her locket. She'll be the most popular girl in school."

Shepard laughed. He would never really understand the weird fascination some people seemed to have with him, but he also wasn't complaining. "My pleasure," he said. He waved to her as she walked back towards the docks and he saw the shimmer of Kasumi's cloak.

Kasumi dropped her cloak and stared at the asari as she left the ship. "Something I missed? I know! Joker talked you into a threesome. Though Liara was the more likely choice."

Shepard sighed and shook his head. "Just helping someone out. Turns out I had something she was looking for and no, not like that."

"You know me too well," Kasumi said. "I brought what you wanted." She held up a bag.

"Fantastic. I owe you. I would have gone myself but this whole armour upgrade is turning into an ordeal. Joker is having kittens. He's been yelling at the engineering crew all morning."

"Ah, that would explain Tali's mumblings about shoving someone into the airlock if they didn't leave her alone."

"I think I need to get him off the ship before that happens. Hungry?"

"The ads for varren skewers have started to look tempting. I'd like to eat something before it gets to that point."

Shepard wrinkled his nose just at the thought of eating varren. He knew people did, he'd even helped the colonists of Feros kill the Alpha male of the pack so they could hunt the smaller animals, but it still didn't make him want to try it for lunch. "Too bad we're not at the Citadel. I could have gone for Ramen again."

Kasumi hummed in appreciation. "The closest we have on the ship is instant noodles, which I would also like to avoid. They don't classify as food."

"Hey come on, I lived off that stuff a lot of the time."

"And that's why it's better to be a Master Thief than a soldier. I can safely say I've never eaten an MRE."

"But now you're missing out. That's not food, that's an experience."

"Thank you, but I'm happy in my ignorance." Kasumi folded her arms and tapped her boot on the ground as she thought. "You know, I have a good idea. No need to even leave this ship! I'll organize lunch with Gardner. You keep Joker out of Engineering and off the comms."

"Please don't let Gardner cook."

"I don't have a death wish. He'll just be helping." Kasumi turned and left, waving to him briefly.

Keeping Joker away from his beloved ship and those who dared touch her was the harder problem. Tris found him in Engineering, hovering over Ken and Gabby, barking out instructions and complaints.

"Commander," both Ken and Gabby said as he arrived, the pain clearly evident in their tone.

"How's it going down here?" Shepard asked.

Joker sighed. "Things would go a lot faster if I could get some work done. The new weight and mass of the _Normandy_ is going to be off and Tali was supposed to be running base projections so I can start running the numbers."

"We're not leaving Illium; the ship is in pieces!" Tali said. She rubbed the back of her leg with her other foot. "The data can wait."

"She says that but we all know that we could be forced to jump through a Relay and if those numbers are out, Silaris plating or not, the _Normandy_ is going to be ripped apart and splattered across the system."

Shepard rubbed the back of his head and sighed. "Jeff..."

"I'm not gonna have my baby ripped to shreds skipping through a Relay!"

"And that isn't going to happen," he said. He put his hands on Joker's shoulders and looked down at him. "Come have lunch. Tals, you in?"

"I think I might decline," she said and cast a look back at Joker.

Joker wanted to stay - that was obvious. He stared at Shepard and then towards the Core and around the Engineering Deck. "Commander!"

"And the whining is adorable," Shepard said. He smirked as he heard Donnelly attempting to stifle a laugh. He lifted Joker's hat off his head and put it on. "Come on. If you don't leave Tali might decide to physically hook you up to the ship."

"Just try to keep him out of here until the upgrades are done."

Shepard didn't have to drag Joker out, but it was close.

"Shepard!" Joker looked at him as the elevator doors closed.

"Yes?" He smiled and leant back against the wall, his hands in his pockets, Joker's hat still on his head.

"Alright, I get it. You're distracting me. Great. Fantastic."

"You were driving the crew crazy."

"Then distract me."

Shepard tried to hide his smile as Joker grabbed the front of his jacket and pressed himself close. He leant up and touched his lips to the scar on Tris' cheek and then the corner of his mouth.

He let him take his time. It was rare that Joker would ever initiate any sort of intimacy. Even now he was hesitant, the touch of his lips gentle and shy. He had to wonder what it was that Joker was nervous about. Even when they were guaranteed alone time, Joker was so tentative.

"I'm not going to dislike anything you do, y'know."

Joker looked up. "I know. Why?"

Tris touched the back of his fingers to Joker's cheek. "A long time ago you said there was someone... A relationship."

He saw Joker shut down. His eyes looked anywhere but him and his hands slipped away from Tris' shirt. "What's for lunch, anyway? We're not eating ready-meals are we?"

Shepard smirked and pulled Joker back against him. "You don't seriously think I'm that easy to distract, do you?"

"Well I was hoping but you're bloody insistent."

The elevator doors swished open and Tris sighed. It was going to have to wait. Typically when he wanted to be somewhere in a hurry the elevator would take its damn time but when he wanted some time, no, it had to be productive.

"You finally got him out of Engineering. Good. Could hear his bitching all morning," Jack said. She smirked at Joker, who glared back at her.

"We decided the team needed a break from the running updates on how poorly they were working," Shepard said.

"Great, now you're both picking on me. I'm getting some coffee."

"He's always in a pissy mood. Hope he's better in bed."

"Jack…"

She rolled her eyes. "I'm only up here because Goto promised food. And I reckon you'd be up for a beer. It's not like we're going anywhere."

"Why not."

Jack fetched a couple beers from the fridge and chucked one at him as she sat across the table.

"Why aren't you out anyway? You're under no obligation to stay on the ship while we're at port."

Jack wrinkled her nose. She ripped the top off the beer and flicked the cap across the table. "Yeah, but the authorities don't like me out. If I get busted, you're not going to be my phone call, Shep."

He laughed. "Really? I'm disappointed. I was looking forward to lecturing you about getting mixed up with the wrong crowd."

"I _am_ the wrong crowd," Jack said. She grinned and tapped her bottle against Shepard's. "It's not so bad here."

Joker placed his mug down on the table a little too hard, making just a little too much noise in a not so subtle cry for attention. He didn't sit next to Shepard, but he was making his territory very clear, going as far as glaring at the two crewmen sitting at the opposite end of the table. "Tali's going to be sorry when we're pulled out of here without warning. I can just see it. 'Oh Joker, only you can get us out of this! Whatever shall we do!' Maybe I'll just leave her on the next planet you go down to."

Shepard raised an eyebrow and had to bite his lip to hold back his laughter.

"I should come up with a password for getting back onto the ship. Like the quarians do. Something like: 'Joker is God'."

"That's not very hard to guess," Shepard said. "We need better security than that." He tugged at the brim of Joker's hat still on his head.

"Got it. 'Joker is a whiny little baby'. No one will ever guess that," Jack said.

"Ha ha, very funny."

"Normally I wouldn't say you had it coming but…you had it coming," Shepard said.

"Hey, Garrus!" Jack called. She waved the turian over and patted the seat next to her.

"What's happening? I got a message from Kasumi saying lunch was—oh." He indicated towards the elevators where Kasumi was holding two large trays of sandwiches, Gardner and Kelly following her with more.

"It's like a little piece of Earth…on Illium. I heard from a couple in the bar that this place does the best sandwiches, just like the ones they make in New York, apparently. I've never eaten a sandwich from New York but the review was very good."

She placed the tray down in front of Shepard and smiled at him. "Thought you could use a pick-me-up. So I got you a sandwich."

"You're one of a kind, Kasumi."

"I hope so! Can you imagine more than one of me? There'd be nothing left to steal."

Jack swiped a sandwich without even waiting for such formalities like plates or for anyone else to sit down. She took a bite and made a noise that was almost orgasmic. "Uh, Kasumi, if you wanna get married, you're all mine."

Kasumi handed Garrus a wrapped sandwich. "That's very nice of you, Jack, but I thought you told me you weren't a member of the Girl's Club."

"For you, I'd make an exception."

Shepard took a sandwich – salami, of some kind – and watched his crew. It wasn't the sandwiches that Kasumi had brought (though they were good, and very much appreciated, and did taste just like they were fresh from Earth), but rather the camaraderie of the crew and his friends that raised his spirits. As the prospect of food found its way along comm channels, more of the crew filtered into the mess hall. There was arguing over which sandwich filling was the best, talk about the food their grandmothers used to make and the altogether content sounds of a well-fed crew. Food was one of those magical things in the universe – something that anyone could bond over, could cross cultural and even species borders, and could silence a room.

"My mom used to make the best chestnut soup…" Joker said. He stared into his coffee mug.

Shepard looked around. Everyone was fully engaged in their conversations and lunch. Too busy to care what he was doing. He slipped into the seat next to Joker and placed his arm on the back of his chair to bring himself a little closer. "Chestnut soup?"

" _Soupe de châtaigne_."

Shepard's translator pinged in his ear and he had to stare at Joker for a moment, hoping for some help. "You speak French?"

"No…just enough to understand when someone is screaming at me."

He took another bite of his sandwich. Probably not the time to tell Joker that saying _anything_ in another language was incredibly sexy. In order to load a multitude of battle suites and HUD configurations into his comm and optical overlays, he'd dumped most of the language translators. He kept the ones he thought he would need, but French or even his hereditary Korean or German just weren't necessary. Most humans spoke English or at least Galactic. In an age full of translators and VI's, it was rare to hear a language just as it was spoken.

"She was a pretty good cook. She was really busy though," he said. He was still staring at the tabletop. "She always said it was important that we never forget where we came from even as we look out at the stars." He gave a small huff of a laugh. "I was too busy looking at ships to look behind me or at the stars."

"You had a dream. Everyone has a dream."

Joker looked at him. "Then what's your dream?"

He lowered his sandwich. The muscle in his cheek twitched. A dream. Everyone had one, right? No matter how stupid, how pointless – everyone had a dream. Teenaged Tristan Shepard had wanted a lot of things, some days wanting to study agriculture and horticulture, other days wanting to work with the STG on secret missions around the galaxy. His life had been ripped apart before any of those dreams could manifest into some sort of reality. Tristan Shepard the Soldier had wanted to earn his pips and make a name for himself. Of course he'd entertained a lot of other fantasies, too – meeting a good guy, getting married, buying a nice house and getting a dog. The usual stuff people thought about doing with their lives.

He'd never thought about Cerberus, geth, Collectors or Reapers.

Across the table Kasumi was talking to Garrus, her hands moving quickly as she spoke. Garrus and Jack were laughing. Miranda was talking to Jacob across the room near the Med Bay doors. Samara and Thane were talking away from the crowd near the doors to the Main Battery. Everyone in this room had seen their dreams dashed, stolen away from them.

"What's your dream now?" Shepard asked. He realized it wasn't answering the initial question. "You're the best pilot in the Alliance. What now?"

"And you pick on me for deflecting… What's my dream?" Joker sighed dramatically. "I dunno. Retire on my own private island surrounded by dancers and quasar machines?"

"Would that make you happy?"

"Happy…now there's a thing. Happy, happy… Sure. As long as I could bring the _Normandy_. And, uh…" He rubbed at his hair, his words trailing away.

Shepard smiled. He got it – he didn't need to hear the words. He touched his hand to Joker's skin and rubbed his thumb across the line of hair at his nape. "That's my dream," he said. He looked around the room again. "I want everyone to be happy."

* * *

"If you're nervous, I can leave," Shepard called, staring towards his bathroom. "We never said I had to be here. You could enjoy my room all to yourself."

It was a risk. Of course there was risk. But Chakwas and Mordin were on standby and if they needed a hospital Illium had some of the best in the galaxy. It didn't quite settle the knot of anxiety in his stomach but it did alleviate some of the stress.

He didn't hear a reply from Tali but there was still noise coming from the bathroom, so he took that as a good sign. Shepard rested forward, clasping his hands in front of him and looking at the small vase holding a single flower. Hypoallergenic, apparently – a species bred especially to have little to no pollen, scent or…well, anything interesting. But that wasn't the point. This was for Tali.

" _I have minimised the risk of exposure in your cabin as thoroughly as possible, Shepard. The air has been cycled many times and your cabin has been cleaned."_

"I know. I just don't want anything to happen to her."

" _Your relationship with Tali'Zorah is platonic?"_

"Yeah. She's like…my sister. Familial, I guess."

" _I see."_

He wondered if EDI understood, though.

"Shepard…"

He looked up so quick he could feel the muscles in his neck pull. He stood but didn't move towards Tali, just staring at her. She stood near the bathroom entrance, dressed in the purple silken robe Kasumi had bought on Illium (which had been washed and sterilized since then), shuffling her feet and wringing her uncovered hands together.

"It's been so long since I even saw myself in a mirror. I got a little distracted."

Shepard almost laughed at how adorable and how _naughty_ that comment sounded. If it had been anyone except Tali he would have thought it was a poorly executed pickup line. But he held it back. Tali was sensitive and he didn't want to give her the wrong idea. She was beautiful. He had seen images of quarians before, diagrams in medical texts, but they were a pale comparison. His chest swelled with something he could only describe as pride. This was Tali – his comrade, friend, sister.

"My feet are cold."

"Oh shit…yeah, here. Come over here and sit down." Because staring at someone with a blank expression always put them at ease, right? God, he could be daft sometimes. "I did get you something else."

Tali took her time crossing the room. Her footfalls light, almost tentative in the way she let her skin touch the metal floor. She paused and looked at the table. "A flower? But what if it—"

Shepard held up his hand. "Tali, I'm not taking any chances. It's hypoallergenic. I think someone had quarians in mind when they bred these. But just in case, Chakwas is standing by in case you have a bad reaction to anything." He reached down and plucked the flower from the vase and held it out to her. "Chances are the only thing you'll have a bad reaction to in here is me. Though I scrubbed myself bloody raw to try stop that from happening."

Tali reached out and took the flower between long, delicate fingers and brought it to her nose.

The feeling was indescribable. Tali was happy. Truly happy. Maybe it was a pale comparison to securing her home world, or being able to release her from her suit forever, but it was something and maybe the best he could hope for now. Watching her was enchanting - like watching a child explore and learn. Each sound she tilted her head towards, each new sensation against her skin made her shiver. Tali pulled the hood of the robe further over her forehead and her fingers lingered against the fabric.

"It's strange. Everything is loud, bright... I can smell the flower, the fabric...I can smell you."

"Is it bad?" he asked.

She touched the flower to her nose again and inhaled. "No. Our suits have olfactory processors that replicate scents but I never knew they were so far from any sort of truth. Humans have a particular smell, especially the men, but...the replication is...nothing like how you smell..." She closed her eyes.

Shepard still didn't know if that was good or not but he assumed that if he did smell particularly bad, Tali would have had a much harsher reaction.

She placed the flower in the vase, letting her fingers brush the petals one last time. "You did all this for me," she said and faced him.

"Of course. Is there a problem with that?"

Tali shook her head. Even though he could plainly see her facial expressions now, the habit of overemphasizing her gestures was hard-wired. "But you have no reason to be! I mean, we are friends, we're good friends, but not like that! You and Joker, we aren't...Keelah..."

Shepard laughed. "Tali, please, it's alright."

He held his hand out to her. Tali stared at it and slowly raised her own hand. He'd always been close with her and Tali seemed to relish in the simplicity of their contact and would often touch his fingers when she needed assurance, but now there was no suit, no gloves between them. She breathed in and touched her fingertips to his palm and he felt the jump of static between them. Tali breathed out, her hand shaking, her mouth slack in surprise.

"You're one of the most important people in my life. To protect you, I would give up almost anything. When I ran into you on Freedom's Progress...I... I thought you hated me, Tals. I wanted to close my eyes and hope everything was a bad dream."

"I _never_ hated you!"

"No, but I had never been so scared in my whole life thinking that you did. You, Garrus, Joker...without you, I don't know what I'd do." He threaded his fingers between hers and led her to the bed to sit next to him. Her other hand went to the sheets, brushing her fingers against the cotton fabric.

"You love him, don't you?" she asked, staring at their intertwined fingers.

Tris sighed. There was a thing: love. He had loved before. When he was young and stupid and when feelings meant so much more than they really were. Nineteen years old and full of himself and his own importance, feeling like some kind of damn superhero with a gun and meeting someone who understood their current place in the world and thinking that was all that mattered. It was almost unfair to compare the two. "Yeah...I think I do." The words sat on his tongue. And felt good.

Tali smiled wistfully. "I thought so. I'm glad. I like Joker."

"Well that's good. I know he doesn't always endear himself to others."

"It's not me who has to live with him," Tali said and held back a laugh behind her hand. "But yes, I do like him, because he likes you. You deserve someone who cares for you. I've watched you stand strong against everything the galaxy threw at you but...you're so alone. When I see you with Joker and you smile..." She smiled and looked up at him. "You're very handsome when you smile."

"Just when I smile?"

"I wouldn't want to inflate your ego."

"Oh no, wouldn't want to do that."

They both laughed.

"So, how are you feeling? Any adverse reactions yet?"

"No, nothing. But it could be a delayed reaction and I really don't know what my body is doing without constant suit diagnostics. We are alerted to any changes in our physiology or an increase of antigens. I took some antibiotics…and some herbal supplements that should have bolstered my immune system, and I don't _feel_ any different, but…" She put her hand to her forehead, touching her fingers to her skin. "It's so strange not to have any idea of what is happening with my own body. And you're like this all the time?"

"More or less. I have sub-dermal implants that monitor basic life signs and when linked to my armour can provide more detailed analysis of what's happening but otherwise 'do I feel sick?' is still a pretty good indicator of whether you're okay."

"And all humans are so lax with their health? Surely your technology would allow for readings like our envirosuits give? Wouldn't it be so much easier?"

Shepard shrugged his shoulders. "Probably. See, the thing about humans is that we all believe that, to some extent, we're indestructible. As a species we've come pretty far in the last hundred years. Most genetic defects have been all but erased, we're vaccinated against almost everything, and our immune systems are fairly strong. We make excellent soldiers."

"Yet so few humans join your military?"

He shrugged again. "Each to their own. Humans…sometimes I meet other humans and wonder how the hell they're even the same species as me. We're different. The asari all tend to think the same, the turians all tend to think the same – humans? I'm so different even from my own parents it's amazing I have anything in common with anyone else. But like Kaidan once told me, we're not different or special; we're all jerks or saints. Just like everyone else."

Tali squeezed his hand, more out of reflex than with any intent. "I miss him… Do you—"

"Miss him? Hell yeah," he said and squeezed her hand in return. "I wish he'd listened. Wish he'd been less of a stubborn idiot. But it _is_ Kaidan. I shouldn't have expected anything different."

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"I dunno." The message he'd received after Horizon had been so damn confusing. "One day, maybe. When this is all over, or when we've got more important things to worry about than damn Cerberus. Maybe."

"I want to think that one day this will all be over," she said. Tali shuffled closer and then leaned against his shoulder. She moved slowly, not for fear of rejection, but with the same caution one might use to check whether the water was too hot – curious but cautious. She closed her luminous eyes and Shepard put his arm around her shoulders.

One day. Maybe. Right now it was hard to believe that this could ever really be over. Even if they stopped the Collectors, then what? Fly into dark space and battle the Reapers head on, too? Was he just expected to hop another Relay to god-knows-where and nuke the place? But he couldn't say that. He couldn't tell people that their chances of survival were, honestly, damn slim. Because he was Commander Shepard. He was hope.

He rubbed his thumb over Tali's shoulder, the cool silk of the robe slowly warming to her body temperature. He realized that even in this room, right now, he was Commander Shepard. Not Tris, not a guy in way over his head, but an idea, a hero for someone who wanted to believe in him – a figure, an icon, maybe some sort of a legend. The representation of a saviour, an unattainable love and the projection of everything Tali wanted and needed amidst the ruined fragments of her life. But not Tris.

He was Commander Shepard.


	32. Moments in Time

He'd loved Michael. Two years older than him, an advanced biotic and excellent soldier. He was handsome, with dark brown hair, hazel coloured eyes and the most amazing set of abs Tris had ever seen. He remembered sliding his hand across Michael's stomach and breathing in, his arm shaking because he'd never done anything like that before. The first time they got their hands on each other was a drunken grope in an alleyway on the way home from a bar – up until that point, he'd had no idea Michael was even interested in him. People had tended to avoid him. He was quiet but skilled, a quick learner, but came with a past attached - everyone knew Tristan Shepard had grown up on Mindoir. Everyone knew he was the colony's only survivor.

But Michael had grown up on Earth. In the slums. He was strong, tough, and opinionated. Rumours said he'd been in a gang. He was so different to the other guys who all came from safe colony families or had grown up on stations. No one else understood what it was like to lose their family, to have everything disappear in an instant. Michael never had anything. Compared to him, Tris felt lucky.

And Michael had been fascinated with him. Tris never understood why. He'd been young and stupid and Michael had seemed so worldly compared to him. But Michael used to stroke his hair and stare into his eyes and tell him how attractive he was and it was so easy to believe all the things he used to say. One day they would have a house, get married and quit the military. Michael wanted to be an engineer and Tris could go to university and they would be happy.

Shepard placed the datapad down on his lap and stared at the picture of himself. He looked so young. They had been so young. He couldn't even really remember what had happened between him and Michael. They had just grown apart. They were in different squads, on different missions, and were meeting different people. They promised to meet up, promised that service wouldn't come between them despite fraternization rules. But it did. How could it not?

He had no pictures of himself from when he was younger, no pictures of his mother and father, no pictures of Michael. There were lots of pictures of him after Akuze. Everyone had wanted to report on the incident, but the Alliance had kept the attack on Mindoir as quiet as possible and definitely kept the young survivor out of the news, at least until he was old enough to handle the attention. He smiled at the picture on the datapad. His very first profile shot for his file. He looked like such a dork.

Joker looked up from his console and glanced over at Tris. Just long enough to smile at him and then look away, hiding the red of his cheeks by pulling the brim of his cap a little further down.

"What?" Shepard asked.

"What? Me? I didn't say anything. Did I say anything?"

Shepard grinned. "Want to see something hilarious?" He held out the datapad.

"Holy shit! That's you. You look so young!"

"18 year old new recruit."

"Alright. I see your awful file photo and raise you..." Joker tapped at his console and an image blipped onto the screen. "One Arcturus security shot."

Shepard sat up in his chair and leaned closer. "Wow. That is bad."

"Told you. They were all that bad."

"I've got nothing else except countless bad pictures and holos from after Akuze and after becoming a Spectre."

"Bad. As if." Joker brought up another picture, this time of Shepard standing in the Presidium, his amour new and clean, shotgun held in his hands, Garrus and Kaidan at his sides. "There's only one picture of me after the Citadel. Guess if you can't interview any of the important crew you start going down the line to pilot."

Shepard looked at the picture of himself. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Looking at pictures of himself was like looking at pictures of another man.

Joker returned to his work. Shepard knew he should leave him to it, but right now he just wanted to be with Joker. He didn't need to bother him, just... Ah, it sounded so cheesy. He looked at the picture of himself again before clearing the screen.

Perhaps it was on a whim or perhaps it was boredom that had him search Michael over the extranet.

There probably wasn't even anything there.

He scanned through the results. It was a common enough name but once he refined the results through the Alliance link it was easy enough to find.

Married. Discharged from the military.

He was sure if he kept digging he would find something more. As a Spectre he had access to just about anything he wanted. But he was happy to leave this. Michael got married and left the military and started a life on New Canton, just like they had planned. Except his life had continued with someone else.

"Something wrong?"

He looked up and Joker was staring at him.

"No. ...no, just thinking."

"Thinking. That'll kill you."

Shepard laughed. "Yeah, probably." The only picture he could find was the Alliance photo but Michael had been very attractive. At 21 he'd already bulked out and grown into a man and had lost almost all of that teenage lankiness. He handed the datapad to Joker.

"Good looking guy," Joker said.

"Yeah, I thought so. His name was Michael. We ah..." He scratched his hand through his hair. "We were together.

Joker stared at the picture for a long time and Shepard said nothing. He wasn't sure people spoke about these things. Was it a normal thing to bring up past relationships? He'd only ever been with Michael before any of this. They were young and they thought that their hardships were behind them - it was before Akuze, before Saren and the geth when it had seemed like they had their whole lives ahead of them.

He'd had nothing in common with Michael except a shitty past. They'd liked each other's strength and resilience but as for things in common? Nothing. Once they'd found their feet, they hadn't needed each other. He watched Joker, studying his features, trying to figure out what he was thinking. Would they grow apart? Was their attraction purely because they had been through so much, been through a lot of those things together?

"Least I know what your type is," Joker said finally. "The whole tall, attractive, brooding military man seems to get you going. You just like seeing me stuffed into a uniform, don't you?"

"If I say I prefer you out of it, you're going to hit me, aren't you?"

"I would hit you but that sort of behaviour is probably entirely my fault."

Whatever Joker was thinking, he wasn't saying. But it had been a very long time ago. Hell, Joker seemed more jealous of Kaidan than of any past relationship.

"Josie."

Shepard looked up. "Josie?"

"Well, Josephine, but no one ever called her that. Yep, Joker and Josie." He sighed and his hands moved over the console.

Shepard had never pushed. He'd asked, but he'd never pushed. Joker spoke about things when and how he wanted. The bridge was safe, comfortable, and if he felt like talking about this now, Shepard was going to listen.

"She was pretty. I mean, she wasn't a model or anything but she was good looking. And nice, smart, and she was interested in me. Me! I dunno why and she never told me. She was just…there. I didn't talk to anyone. Takes a lot for me to even notice someone's there."

"I noticed," Shepard said and Joker smirked at him and then looked back at his console.

"I swear she was just messing with me but she got my attention, so I can't really complain. She always bugged me on shift and wouldn't leave me alone and I just wanted to get it over and done with. Wished she'd tell me what she wanted and then just leave me alone to get my job done. We were on an Alliance ship and it would've been against regs so I never even thought she was interested in me but then people started talking. It's like we were always together, so yeah, 'Joker and Josie' just stuck.

"Shit... She was nice, but bossy and stubborn and I didn't even realize I was interested in her too, until she had her tongue down my throat while we were at a bar. She never gave me a choice. I had to pay attention to her, I had to be with her and yeah...it was nice...but it's not like I had any choice." He rubbed his hand over his forehead and then pulled his cap off and put it in his lap.

Shepard turned in the chair more. Joker wouldn't look at him but this was more than he'd ever heard. It had taken so long for Joker to start talking about himself and the things he guarded - his family, his life. Everything had always been negative and defensive and he jumped at anyone who dared to question him or ask about his disability.

"Everything I did was wrong. We couldn't tell anyone we were together but everyone knew. She'd complain I wasn't paying attention to her, then I was staring at her, and then I was staring at someone else!" He folded his arms. "She told me how I had to do things, even how I had to kiss her! It was so stupid. She liked things her way and she didn't care what anyone else thought. She didn't care what I thought. But who else wanted the cripple?"

"Jeff..."

"I know, I know. Don't give me that look. I know it was crazy but you don't always think straight. I know I sure didn't. Anyway, it didn't work out. She got bored of me and then everything I did was wrong. She got transferred and I went back to being the cranky, lonely helmsman."

"You don't have to tell me this stuff if you don't want to."

Joker turned his chair to face Shepard. "Idiot. That wasn't some subtle way of telling you to back off. I told you 'cause I wanted to. I loved her. At least I thought I did but who knows, maybe I didn't, maybe I just thought I wanted to be with her. It's not like she was the only person I was ever with, either. I've had plenty of time to figure out how these things work, you know."

Shepard smirked. "So I don't need to get you a text book? I could have Mordin forward those instruction manuals to you too."

"No way. Too weird. He already tried to give me some lube or something and I got the hell out of there. Having a conversation about sex is already embarrassing enough without being offered tips."

"You went to see Mordin about-"

"No! He wanted to see me about some new pill, or injection, or something, I don't know! Honestly, he was mumbling under his breath and then just launched into asking me whether there was any...discomfort...oh geez, it was just weird okay? I didn't need to be having that discussion with him, or anyone!"

Shepard stood and placed one hand on the back of Joker's chair. He leant down and took the datapad from his lap. "With me?" he asked.

Joker smiled. "Damn you, Tristan Shepard. I try not to think about it. I'm a patient guy and all but if I start thinking about that I'm going to want it a hell of a lot more."

Tris sighed. "I know. Trust me when I say I think about it, too. Sometimes it's damn hard to keep my mind on the job."

Joker looked up at him and a grin slowly spread across his lips. "So...if you were, oh, I don't know, running around some merc base, and I just happened to whisper something into your comms?"

"You may get me killed," Shepard said. He touched his lips to Joker's forehead and just breathed in for a minute. "It's killing me. When you're on shift, I've got nothing to do. You're off duty and I'm on some damn planet. Then we have some down time and it seems like all we do is run diagnostics and handle upgrades or I'm so damn tired I just collapse."

"And you're some sort of a weird romantic sort and a quickie in the hold just doesn't do it for you."

"Afraid not. Besides, you'd just complain later about a broken wrist, or ankle, or-"

"I get it." Joker grimaced at the thought. "Having a job and being responsible sucks."

"Tell me about it. And we all know we'd be interrupted. We can't spend even a few damn hours together without someone having a crisis. I'll be happy when everyone decides on a new hero. I'm thinking a turian. Long history, dedicated to service, good with weapons."

"They won't look as good on the news," Joker said. He touched his hand to Shepard's chest and shifted in his chair. "You should go. Let me get some damn work done. Bloody planet scanning..."

"One more favour... Any pictures of little, baby Jeff Moreau?"

Joker's cheeks flared with embarrassment. "No way! I'm not giving that up."

"Unfortunately I can't swap for pictures of myself at that age. But whatever you want to make it even, I'll try produce."

"Ah, get out of here! Guy can't get any work done with you around. It's not my problem if we don't have a reliable source of income other than what the Illusive Man gives us." Joker spun his chair back around to face his console and pulled his cap back onto his head.

There was no anger in his tone. Just pure embarrassment.

Shepard smirked. "I'll be waiting on that picture."

"Yeah, yeah. Be a cold day in hell..."

On down days there wasn't much for Shepard to do. He couldn't spend his whole day bothering his crew so he'd taken to stopping in to see how they were doing and then moving on to leave them to it. He spent as little time as possible doing reports or reading documents and planetary profiles that Miranda sent him, and spent even less time actually contemplating their mission. Today, he just couldn't bring himself to do any of that. So an hour later he was lying on his bed, the hamster sitting on his chest chewing on a piece of vegetable. He liked the silly little thing. It had adorable chubby cheeks and soft fur and had that unquestionable sort of love that animals so freely gave. It would always stand on its back paws and lean up on the glass when he came over, and would squeak when it was hungry or wanted to come out. Originally he'd been concerned that it would run away - as had EDI, who had explained that a loose rodent could chew through any number of electrical or data cables - but he figured he was smarter than a rodent.

He still hadn't given it a name, though. Heck, he didn't even know if it was male or female. So it was just 'Rat', which he supposed was kind of a name, since it was a hamster, not a rat, but he didn't want the thing to think he hated it. What kind of a name was 'Rat'?

He ran his finger over the top of Rat's head and it looked up at his face, the piece of vegetable held in its paws as it chewed on the end.

"Ugh, you're ridiculously cute."

He looked up when the alarm to his quarters chimed. The hamster looked up, but seemed unfazed. Shepard ran his hand over his Omni-tool and activated the doors. He had to clasp his hand around the hamster to make sure it didn't run away as Garrus walked in.

"Shepard?"

"Down here."

Garrus looked around the room and whistled something beneath his breath. "If you're bored you can help me run calibrations."

"No chance. Besides, I'd just mess them up."

Garrus laughed. "I don't want to say it's true and insult you." He sat down on the couch, awkwardly trying to position himself so the spurs on the back of his legs wouldn't catch the leather. "What's that?"

Shepard picked Rat up in his hands and held him up. It wasn't at all perturbed and seemed more upset that it had to leave its treat behind. "It's a hamster. Well, a 'space hamster' if you believe the sign. I'm pretty sure it's just a regular hamster. They're popular pets on Earth."

Garrus stared at it. "It's so small... Wouldn't a child squash it?"

"I'm sure some met their demise that way. It's a good way to teach children responsibility. Plus they're adorable. Humans have a thing for adorable animals. It's why kittens are so popular. And babies."

"Yes, I saw a picture of a kitten. We have similar animals on Palaven. Much bigger, with sharper teeth. And not so...fluffy. Earth animals all tend to be fluffy."

"There's not so much horrible radiation on our planet that causes animals to grow metal plates and bad attitudes."

Garrus laughed. "Of course. Your sun just nurtures the cute and fluffy."

Rat was safely placed back into his house and given another piece of vegetable to munch on in solitude and Shepard went to wash his hands. "What can I do for you, Garrus?"

"Nothing so much. Just wanted to come by and chat. See how you're doing."

He stared at his reflection. It was a question people loved to ask. How was he doing? "What if I told you I wasn't sure?" he called back.

"I would say you were being honest."

Shepard splashed some cold water over his face and shut off the tap. The scars on his face had diminished but were still there, the insidious orange glow working from beneath his skin. His hair was longer; almost long enough that he might consider a cut. His body had regained most if not all of lost muscle mass and his skin colour was beginning to darken and even out. One might say he was 'back to normal', except for the horrors that now lay under his flesh – but no one could see those, right? The bathroom door closed behind him as he left.

"Yeah, no one likes honest, though." He stretched and then ran his hand through his hair.

"I know how you feel," Garrus said. He stood and touched his visor, contemplative. "When I was on Omega I couldn't let my squad know if I thought things might go badly. When I arrived there and we started doing jobs together…I was still hurting a lot from losing you, Shepard. Oh, I tried to push it away but you were a leader and the Council was covering everything up and it seemed like the only place I was doing anything right was on Omega in the end. They would ask me questions about the war, about the attack on the Citadel. They all wanted to know if I had been there. I didn't tell them I had been in the squad to take Saren down once and for all."

"I couldn't have done it without you."

Garrus laughed. "I know. I shouldn't have left. I should have kept fighting but…well, it didn't work out that way. We need you, Shepard. I'm no hero or leader. I'm meant to be on the sidelines. Your side."

"I'm no hero either, Garrus. I'm just a guy. An ordinary guy."

Garrus stepped up and placed his hand on Shepard's shoulder. "Ordinary men do extraordinary things. If you were what everyone says you are – the unwavering hero, Alliance super soldier – you couldn't have done any of this. We want to follow you, Shepard, not an ideal."

"Everyone wants me to be something." A soldier, a tactician, a negotiator, a friend, a brother, a lover, a hero. Some things he could never be, some things he didn't want to be. "I try not to think about it, I've always just accepted it…but this is a suicide mission. I'm leading people to their deaths. And I'm asking them to come along because I said so?"

"Suicide is just a matter of perspective. The way I see it we have just as much chance of doing this as we did of defeating Saren. I trust you, and I believe in our squad. You've picked up some good people."

He smiled and nodded. "Yeah. Garrus, look…if anything goes wrong…"

"Write it down. I'm not so great at remembering the little details, Shepard. You can leave me a list of instructions including how to look after small, furry rodents."

Shepard shoved him in the arm and Garrus shoved him back.

"How about you come with me to the Armory. Jacob was telling me about a new weapon he's been detailing. Something about being able to take down a Colossus with a single shot. Thought you might like it."

At least it would take his mind off things. Cleaning armour or detailing weapons was one of those chores that you could lose yourself in. It was repetitive, precise and required focus. Something that could put you in extreme danger if you didn't do it right. So he went, but he didn't say anything to Jacob about his hesitations and Garrus didn't bring any of it up at all, preferring to discuss weapon mods, upgrades and the new M-920 Cain.

"This thing will make a mushroom cloud on impact," Jacob said. "Anything painted with that many warning symbols has to pack a punch."

"If you don't miss. Really, one shot?" Shepard asked.

"The only downside. It's got basically no kick for throwing out the equivalent of a nuclear warhead. I could look into upgrading the ammo capacity but I wouldn't hold much hope."

"I wouldn't fire it into a closed corridor," Garrus said. "It might get us all killed."

"Almost definitely," Shepard said. He picked up the Cain. "Weighs nothing. You sure this thing can do damage?"

"I wouldn't want it pointed at me or the _Normandy_. Would do a good job of vaporizing me and scrapping her."

"Mr Taylor is correct. The M-920 Cain is capable of doing high damage to shields, armour and barriers and would cause significant damage to the hull of the ship," EDI said. Her hologram flashed to life on the podium near them. "It would be capable of destroying a gunship or a heavy mech on impact."

"So definitely point it away from us at all times. Gotcha," Shepard said and placed the Cain back down on the table. "Impressive."

"Got something else you might like, Commander," Jacob said. He turned back to the main table and picked up a shotgun. "Technically it breaks a few dozen intergalactic weapons treaties, but she sure is a beauty."

Shepard took the shotgun and tested the weight. "Technically?"

"Well you're a Spectre working with Cerberus. Weapons treaties don't really mean all that much when you're working in those parameters."

"I guess not."

"She's named the Eviscerator. Shaves off serrated chunks of metal instead of your normal slug and does a fair bit more damage." Jacob leant against the counter and folded his arms. "She's going to give you a tighter spray at mid-range with the same amount of damage as an up-close shot."

"So Shepard won't have to get right in their face? It might keep him from getting shot so often if he can take cover."

"Not everyone can spend the entire scrap behind a crate, Garrus."

"I don't want to mess up my pretty face. See what happened when I didn't keep cover."

Weapons were something he'd always enjoyed, even if he wasn't so keen on the war part. He could appreciate a well designed weapon and respected the amount of work that went into research and development. The people who made weapons weren't soldiers, they were scientists, and it was their job to give Marines like himself an edge on the battlefield. Of course he wished it wasn't necessary but pacifism only worked if other people weren't shooting at you. While he didn't agree with arming every civilian on the off chance they could be required to protect themselves, he did believe in the military. Otherwise he would have quit.

He was a soldier. But when required he _was_ a tactician, or a negotiator. And when they wanted…he could be a hero.

But he preferred to just be Tristan Shepard.

They all worked quietly. Garrus collected his rifle from the Main Battery and brought it up to run it through the Armory's more sophisticated sensors and Jacob was working on a set of krogan armour that Shepard guessed Grunt would be stuffing himself into for their next trip. It was quiet but not uncomfortable. Except his mind kept wandering to the old _Normandy_. How many hours had he spent in the cargo hold with Ash, Kaidan and Garrus doing just this? They had operated in silence, listening occasionally to Ash's curses and spluttering when something wasn't working how she wanted it to work and Kaidan would snicker a laugh under his breath and Garrus would look at him, because surely he was tempting fate by laughing at Ash.

But it had always been personable. A group of soldiers working together, doing what they knew how to do, letting the adrenalin of a long fight melt into the monotony of stripping a weapon.

Garrus looked over at him and he nodded. He was alright. He could almost imagine what Ash would say if he gave up and left the galaxy to the Reapers…or the Flashlight Heads. He smirked and shook his head, locking another piece of his gun back into place.

Tristan Shepard could lose himself in detailing the new shotgun; tweaking the trigger, adjusting the stabilizing unit and getting it to work how he wanted. His gun was like part of his person and it was something he needed to rely on to work at optimum capacity with every shot. While he groused over the new heat sink technology originally it really was a step up from the old system of overheating. He'd reduced too many weapons to slag through overuse over the years; it had become an expensive mistake to overheat a gun. Now the gun locked down and refused to fire with an expired sink and it had become habit to pack extra sinks and pick up any discarded sinks they found if it meant the difference between firing a weapon or not.

Eventually Garrus excused himself and Jacob finished working on the suit and returned to his terminal to work on something else. Shepard couldn't have said how many hours had passed. Time seemed to drag on and then sit static but he was aware of the vague rumblings of his stomach and the disorientation that would start creeping up on him when he hadn't eaten. He took a deep breath of air and leant against the workshop bench, closing his eyes.

On his wrist his Omni-tool beeped. He looked down. "I'll see you later, Jacob," he said and stepped out into the hall. Jacob barely acknowledged his departure. He brought up the message from Joker. Just one little line:

" _I'll trade you for this."_

Shepard pressed the image file. Not the picture of Joker he had wanted. Instead, a picture of himself.

15 year old Tristan Shepard.

He stared at it and touched his fingers to the image. Awkward smile, tanned skin, a face free of scars. No, there _were_ no pictures of him from that age. Any pictures had been in his parents' property and everything had been burned and there were no backups of family photos. He felt a tight swell of something settle in his stomach.

"EDI!"

"Commander?"

He looked up, for lack of holographic podium for EDI to appear on.

"Where is Jeff?"

"Helmsman Jeff Moreau is currently in the crew quarters."

Shepard looked at the time readout on the display of his Omni-tool; Jeff would have just finished his shift.

He wanted to know where Jeff had found that picture. There weren't supposed to be any pictures of him at that age left, like Tristan Shepard had been wiped from history. Dramatics were never how he handled situations but he felt honestly sick as he headed for the crew quarters.

"Out. Now," he demanded as the doors swished open. He didn't care who was here or what they were doing. They were leaving.

The two women seated at the table stared at him and rose to their feet. Commander Shepard was never harsh with his crew and he certainly never demanded they leave a room just because he was there.

Except now. He folded his arms and the two women left, raising their hands in shaky salutes.

"What the hell, Tris?" Joker asked. He leaned against the end of his bunk, his knuckles white.

"Where did you get it?"

"Get what? The picture? You mean the picture right?"

"Of course the picture. Where did you get it?"

Joker ran the tips of his fingers together and stared at the floor. "Security detail. It's your school picture. What the hell is the problem? You said you didn't have any pictures but I didn't even need to look very hard. It's not like security on a backwash colony is real tight or anything."

Tris brought up the image again on his Omni-tool and stared at it.

"Didn't think it would piss you off finding a picture of you," Joker said.

"No...it doesn't. I dunno, maybe it does!" Shepard stared at the picture of himself; his hand, his arm, they were shaking.

"Shit, Tris."

He stared, his eyes blank, when Joker took his hand, his attention pulled away from the picture. "I'm sorry... I didn't-"

"Shut up, Tris, would you? Come sit down because you're scaring the hell out of me. You fall over and I can't exactly haul you back up."

He did, but only because Joker's hand was wrapped around his and because he did feel a little woozy. He didn't know why, that was the worst thing. Seeing a stupid picture of himself shouldn't be the thing that snapped him.

"I've got more..." Joker handed him the datapad from under his pillow.

Another picture. Younger. An eager child with a head of black stubble and a grin on his face.

"There's one for almost every year of school on Mindoir. You weren't born there..." Joker continued.

"No. Born on Earth. Singapore." He flicked through the pictures. He'd never thought to look. He'd never even expected that part of his life on Mindoir - part of him - could have survived. "Mom was looking forward to working on a new colony. Said it would give me a chance to grow up like a kid should, and see some of the galaxy when I was older."

"...there's a picture of your parents. The security pictures. They're not great, but..."

Tris flicked through the pictures as his heart rattled in his chest. His breath was tight in his throat. The picture of a smiling woman, her hair held back with a wooden comb on one side, her features so similar to his and unmistakably his mother.

Her smile just like he remembered. Too big for a security profile image but defiant against protocol and rules.

"She's really beautiful. You look more like her than you do your dad. He has that whole attractive elderly gentleman look about him. Bet you'll still be kind of a charming goofball when you're 100."

"Optimistic view of my life expectancy."

Joker carefully lifted the datapad from Shepard's hands and placed it aside. "Yeah, I am optimistic. I know it's probably stupid but a little optimistic stupidity never hurt anyone. I want you to be able to chuck the gun aside one day and, I dunno, raise goats. Whatever it is that you farming types do for a living." He placed his hand on Shepard's thigh, running his fingers along the line of the pocket on his pants.

"Maybe deep down I'm an optimistic guy. You have to work hard for what you get and you've worked harder than any damn person out there! When I was a kid..." Joker's lips moved around the words he didn't want to say. "When I was a kid everyone told me what I couldn't do. They told my mom to make arrangements for when I eventually died. Always worrying about straining myself, worrying about fractures or broken limbs or what would happen if my lungs just gave out and watching everyone else just be damn normal. And it made me angry and cynical and idiotically bitter because what the hell had I ever done to deserve shit like that? Nothing...'cause there's no grand plan or anything and if I wanted something to happen I had to get up off the bed and make it happen. Now look...what else could I want? I fly the best damn ship in the entire galaxy, I've got some pretty crazy and fantastic friends and...I got the guy."

His lips quirked into a smile. "The crippled kid got the most fantastic guy in the whole universe. Got _Commander Shepard._ This is who I am, stupid creaky bones and all. I wouldn't change it for normal if I could. And that kid in those pictures...that's who you are. Dumb grin and all."

Shepard watched Joker's fingers, the rise and fall of his chest, the line of his jaw moving as he spoke. "Those pictures... Why'd you have all them?" he asked.

"I thought that was all I would ever have. You were gone and all I had was pictures of you. Pictures of little moments of time and it was like I could be with you in them. Because it was all I had." He picked up the datapad again and flicked through the files until he found the image he wanted. "Now I have this."

Shepard took the datapad and snorted a short, surprised laugh. "When the hell was this?"

"When you fell asleep at your desk wearing my hat. EDI didn't even ask why I wanted the picture. She might be keeping it for blackmail purposes. Should probably watch out for that."

"Great, and how am I supposed to get counter material against an AI?"

"No idea. Officially your problem, but I'll do my best to talk her out of it if she ever wants to demand 50,000 creds out of you."

Shepard smiled and leaned closer, losing the small space between then as he touched his lips to Joker's, catching him off guard. The small intake of breath was just what he wanted to hear and he raised his hand, fingers drawing along the line of Joker's jaw, pausing, and then throwing the cap aside before he had to manoeuvre around the brim.

"We're all alone...for now," he said, his lips barely moving from where they rested against Joker's.

"Because you scared everyone out of the room..."

Shepard grinned. Well, if that's what it took to get some time alone with Jeff, he may have to raise his voice more often. The crew members in here had just been loitering and anyone who had the red eye shifts typically crashed in sleep pods. For now, they were blissfully alone and while it was inevitable they would be interrupted and this was the crew quarters, which was essentially a public space, they could be guaranteed at least some time in peace. The opportunity was too good to pass and with datapad and hat discarded and Jeff pinned under him on the too hard single bunk it wasn't the ideal situation but it was very welcome. He'd been good - damn, he'd been good. Patient and a gentleman and all that crap and it certainly wasn't Jeff holding him back, it was his own morals to do this right and take his time and he didn't want to rush anything, but he was also a man with some fairly insistent urges and right now it was hard to ignore what he wanted - needed - with Jeff's hands pulling at his shirt and sliding underneath and along the curve of his spine.

Urgency and unsatisfied desire was going to bloody well kill him because Jeff pulled him closer and the small amount of distance he had placed between their bodies was gone.

"You're not going to hurt me," Joker said and his tongue flicked over his lips. "You're not that heavy."

He opened his mouth to complain but was caught in another kiss and a hand pulling him back down. They had done this before, this wasn't new, but they had always pushed aside the overwhelming desire for each other, the urge to tear clothes off and leave behind any pretence of romance or patience and just fuck. Even in his mind it sounded vulgar but damn it sounded good.

His hips thrust forward as Joker ran his hand down past his belt and over the curve of his rear. He swore and groaned something not even trying to be a word as the swell of his cock pressed against Joker's thigh, his pants tight, his body too hot. He could feel Joker smile against his lips as fingers pushed beneath the waistline of his pants and ran across his lower back.

He'd had Jeff in his bed before, not even just the once, in nothing but a shirt and his boxer shorts, and Shepard still revelled in the sight of him losing it as he stroked him until he fell apart. They weren't Boy Scouts - just because they hadn't had sex, they'd done things that certainly broke a hell of a lot of regs. But he'd always taken the lead and had been the one to give Joker exactly what he needed, even if that meant he spent a little longer in the bathroom later shaking off a damn painful erection. Now...

Maybe it had been too long. He knew the sort of talk and behaviour that got around on a ship aweigh for a long haul and he'd always just kept his mind on the job and released frustrations on the battlefield. But he had Jeff right here under his body, the heat rising from him. Jeff's hands loosened his belt and he had a smug grin of satisfaction across his lips, green eyes alight with a fire Shepard had never seen. He caught those swollen lips with his own again and steadied his shaking hand against Joker's shoulder, gripping the collar of his shirt. And when Joker slid his hand past the zip of his pants and cupped the bulge of his very urgent need, he cursed, his mouth lying slack against Joker's, his breathing hollow.

"Something you need, Commander?" Joker asked. Shepard could feel him grinning, clearly enjoying himself.

When Joker was in the same position he was always quiet, his eyes would close and he seemed to desperately want to concentrate and hold onto the feeling. Shepard was not as quiet. He bit his lip, his teeth crushing the delicate flesh as he attempted to shut the hell up. It was hard - god, was it hard, as the pilot that could so expertly fly the ship seemed to have no problem steering other _instruments_.

It was only the last of his sanity that reminded him to hold the bulk of his weight up, despite Joker’s insistence, and kept him grounded enough to brush his lips to Jeff's, not quite a kiss, breathing too hard for much else than to exhale against him.

The orange glow from his Omni-tool lit up. A beep.

"F-fuck!" he stammered against Joker's chest, resting his head there. He was going to _kill_ whoever was disturbing this.

Joker was breathing hard but he forced a smile and brushed a kiss to Tris' forehead when he looked up. "Still think that quickie in the cargo hold is a bad idea?" he asked.

His Omni-tool beeped again.

But he took a moment to collect himself. No way could he answer a comm call if he couldn't get a word out and the worst feeling in the world was redoing his belt. "I'm going to need a cold shower."

"Forget the shower," Joker said. "Looks like me and my best friend have another date." He waggled his fingers and sighed.

Tris stared at his Omni-tool and pressed the hold button. Hopefully whoever was calling would get the idea for at least few seconds. He wound his hand into Joker's shirt, pulled him closer and lost himself in the desperate kiss. Joker's arms wrapped around his neck and it did nothing to calm him down, but he didn't care. A cold shower across the hall was definitely required.

"Just showing off now, aren't you?" Joker asked as Tris pulled away, but he was still grinning, his cheeks flushed.

"Have to be good at something." Another swift kiss against Joker's lips and he pulled away, leaning back against the wall and touching his fingers to his comm point. "What?"

_"Shepard. Apologies for interruption. Important. Can't wait. Come and see me as soon as possible - have favour to ask."_

Mordin. Oh yeah...he was going to die.


	33. Little Words

_"You sure I can't keep him?"_

_"I don't think we have room on the ship for hungry, vicious pit-varren,"_ Garrus replied and Joker heard him chuckle.

_"We have room for Grunt."_

Joker leant back in his seat. He switched to Mordin's camera. The scientist was standing near the shuttle waiting for Garrus and Shepard. It wasn't surprising. He'd just had everything he'd ever done wrong shoved back in his face. The genophage, right or wrong (because Joker didn't really want to get into that can of worms) really didn't justify the experiments Maelon had conducted on those krogan, those humans...

And maybe for the first time ever he seriously questioned Shepard's judgment. He'd sided with Mordin after the scientist had shot Maelon and they had kept the research. Those people had suffered horrible atrocities in some lame attempt to cure something that probably shouldn't even be cured. Okay, so yeah, he had thought about it, of course he had. He had nothing better to do than think most of the time. But cure the genophage? Really? Krogans were...mental! If they started breeding again they could repopulate within a year and then what? They couldn't all stay on Tuchanka and they would expand and take down anyone who got in their way. Keeping the research data meant that one day Shepard thought the genophage should be cured and that keeping that information would help.

He always thought that he knew Shepard - he prided himself on being able to anticipate his moves and actions and nothing the man did ever really shocked him. But this he hadn't anticipated.

Maybe he was thinking about it the wrong way. But right now, he just couldn't see it. He didn't see it as a 'what harm could it do' situation. It could do plenty of harm, especially in the hands of the wrong people. It wasn't a decision just one person should make. He understood the urgency of the situation, but...

"What d'you think, EDI? Think it's possible krogans could stop being such jerks?"

"If you're asking me whether I think Shepard made the right decision, I do not know. The krogan were uplifted by the salarians in a response to the rachni threat, but of the salarians' own admittance the process did not allow for the violent nature of the krogan and their future ability, or inability, to peacefully conduct themselves on the galactic stage. Evidence supports that the genophage was necessary at the time."

"Was necessary?"

"There have been several efforts made in regards to curing the genophage. Maelon's research was not the first. If the genophage were to be cured it seems unlikely that the krogan as a species have experienced enough change over the past 2000 years to ensure that history does not repeat and result in future rebellions."

Joker drummed his fingers against the arm of his chair. That still didn't really answer his problem, did it? He knew the genophage was the right idea and that curing it was a really dumb idea and yet...

"You are concerned because the Commander retained the data from Maelon's research because you think he may wish the genophage cured?" EDI asked.

"Yeah, something like that."

"Lieutenant."

He jumped at the sound of Miranda's voice and spun his chair around to face her. Had she been taking stealth lessons from Kasumi or something? "Anything I can do for you?" he asked.

He knew he should be nicer to Miranda. She'd never done anything wrong...really...except for working for Cerberus and being an all-round bitch a good 99 percent of the time, but she hadn't ever done anything really, really wrong. And Tris liked her. Not just liked her, but really liked her. He went to talk to her for hours, was always there when she needed a hand, and they worked really well together on the field. If he wasn't positive that Tris was gay, he would actually be a little worried. Though most of the women made him feel that way. He pouted at the thought. The women of the Normandy were hot enough to be calendar material.

Miranda rocked her weight onto her other leg and folded her arms across her chests, pressing her breasts up a little higher. Joker tried not to stare.

"I wanted to speak to you. About the Commander."

He raised an eyebrow. "So you're not here to pick on me for reprogramming the coffee maker to use salt instead of sugar? Because I swear that was only supposed to do that when Chakwas wanted a cup."

"...no. Though now I know who to blame."

He folded his arms too. He hated being stuck in this chair, sometimes. Miranda was staring down at him and if he wanted to equal the playing field he'd have to drag himself up, which, after this many hours sitting, was never dignified.

"You've known the Commander a lot longer than I have, Mr Moreau."

"Joker..."

She pulled her lips into a tight line and stared at the ground for a moment. "Joker..." The use of the moniker was reluctant. "I don't know if I approve of your socializing with him."

"Socializing?" He laughed. "Is that what you think we're doing or don't you want to admit what's really going on? C'mon Miranda, with an ass like yours you've got to have seen enough action that you can tell when two people are doing more than 'socializing'," he said, emphasizing his point with air quotes.

"I was attempting to go down the slightly less vulgar route, Mr Moreau. I will allow this conversation that much dignity. Though I do wish you would spend more time working and less time watching actresses 'socializing'."

Joker felt his mouth go slack and Miranda smirked at him.

"However, I think you misunderstand my reasons for coming here," she said. "Shepard is..." She touched her hand to her forehead and pushed back a lock of her hair. "Cerberus brought you aboard for a reason. Shepard can trust you. You more than anyone else. You are his...rock. No one else can win this war. And he needs you. For whatever reason...he needs you. The Commander is the most important man in the galaxy but you are the most important man in his world. You need to understand that."

He didn't reply. A million retorts snapped to his mind, but he kept his mouth closed firmly around them all. He already knew all that, right? No...he supposed he didn't. Or at least didn't want to think about it, or admit it. He didn't really want that sort of responsibility. If anything happened to him, what would happen to Tris? Joker swallowed and felt his stomach roll. "Without him...we're screwed, right? I mean, honestly."

"It seems statistically unlikely that another individual could accomplish as much as Commander Shepard. Many associate his name with an ideal, not just a man," EDI said.

"EDI's right. It's not just unlikely - it would be a bloody impossibility for anyone to do as much for humanity and the galaxy as Shepard has. We need him...and if he needs you, then you need to look after him." She looked at her boots, her hair falling forward across her cheeks.

Miranda was clearly uncomfortable. He almost wanted to laugh. Not that he dared. He wasn't crazy. Sure, laugh at the genetically perfect biotic, and then bleed to death after she ripped your throat out (despite her insistence that she needed him alive).

"How about we just stick our heads in the sand and forget this whole weird conversation ever happened?" he offered. "Because honestly it's starting to freak me out. Just...I get what you're saying. I've got him, okay?"

Miranda straightened. She fixed her hair and smoothed an invisible wrinkle from her skin-tight outfit. "Good." She nodded. "Mr Moreau."

He watched her walk from the cockpit, her heels tapping against the floor. He smirked when she glanced back and caught him staring.

"Mr Moreau, have Operative Lawson's words concerned you?" EDI asked.

He turned his chair back to face the console. "No. Well, okay, yeah maybe. I guess I just...I dunno! I never expected anyone to _need_ me, y'know? That's kind of a big responsibility."

"May I ask a question?"

Joker sighed. He knew EDI was an AI and all, but she always insisted on asking _him_ questions. Hadley, who EDI seemed to like just fine, apparently never got any of the weird questions he got. "Go on, EDI."

"Is part of love responsibility?"

He shrugged. "I guess so. I don't know how you could love someone and not feel a little responsible for them. Parents are responsible for their kids, even friends have responsibilities to each other. To look after each other, y'know, things like that, I dunno I've never really thought about it so just take my opinion for what it's worth."

He was used to the way EDI processed new information. There was always a brief pause before she fired off another question. He could almost see the system processing the new information and scripting another question for further clarification.

"Do you love Commander Shepard?"

But that one, yeah, that one messed him up. He just wasn't expecting it. He scrubbed at his beard, his nerves jumping. Of course he loved Tris! He didn't exactly have a wealth of experience on the subject but he knew he got a strange uneasiness in his chest that wasn't quite pain, nor was it really uncomfortable, but it happened every time he thought about Shepard and it made him smile. He knew that he dreamed about him, and not always just dreams that were clearly playing off sexual tension, but dreams about normal things, or future things, or nightmares where he woke up sweating and wanting to see him. And he knew that sometimes just being near him was enough, or listening to his voice, or even thinking about him.

He didn't want to think about what Tris would do if anything happened to him. He suddenly didn't want that sort of responsibility. Tris was important to the whole galaxy...so did that make him important, too? That's what Miranda had been getting at.

And he realized that it wasn't responsibility to Tris that had him scared. It was being responsible for the galaxy. And maybe he understood Shepard a little bit more.

"Tris kept the research data because he feels responsible…for the krogans. For the salarians, hell, probably even the Rachni given he saved the Queen and set her free."

"That would seem probable."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Big dummy. Only he would think he had anything to do with the decline of a whole friggin' species!" He growled under his breath. He knew it wasn't just that. It had so much to do with Shepard in general – he was just too good a guy. He couldn't leave things, couldn't walk away and section himself off. Joker didn't know that, if presented with the same situations, he would make even half the same decisions. He was keen on the whole 'let the universe sort out its own problems' nature of thinking. Tris? No, he had to feel guilty and somehow responsible for all the issues of the galaxy. Destroying Maelon's research would be like condemning the krogan to a slow death and it just wasn't something Shepard was prepared to do, despite what that information had cost.

He spent the next hours waiting anxiously for Shepard to return to the ship. Regardless of Shepard's decision, Joker would be there for him. In a lot of ways he had done the right thing. Keeping the research could help the krogan species, even if it had cost in both lives and morality. Keeping the research at least, on some level, made those lives worth it. He pulled himself to his feet as he heard Shepard heading up the walkway behind him. Seeing Shepard's smile made him smile. It was that somewhat goofy, lopsided and utterly, bone-achingly _weary_ smile that just pulled at all of Joker's heartstrings. Everything about Shepard screamed exhaustion – mental and physical – from the slope of his shoulders to the way he had trouble even keeping his head up.

"I think you need to turn in for the night," he said. He had to lean against his chair, aware of the dull ache in his hips and knees but desperately trying to push the feeling aside. As it was, Shepard cast a concerned look down at his legs before meeting his eyes again.

"Yeah… The thought did occur to me. Then I checked the time." Shepard ran his bare thumb over his lip, his gloves already discarded for cleaning. "Come with me."

Joker laughed and rubbed the back of his neck. "Subtle. You wanna say that any louder? 'Cause I totally think even Grunt caught that." He felt another swell of his chest when he noticed the almost sparkle of amusement in Shepard's eyes. The Commander was dead tired but he had come searching for what lifted his spirits.

So when Shepard held out his hand, of course Joker took it. He laced his fingers with Shepard's and didn't even mind that the Commander purposely slowed right down so they could walk side-by-side. Hell, he didn't even care that one of the night crew gave him an amused look but said nothing. Maybe if they had still been Alliance, all this would have gone differently. Would they even have overstepped the line of Alliance regulations? Somehow, maybe, eventually, but there would be none of this ease, freedom to do whatever they wanted. No one was questioning Shepard's dedication to the mission or his ability to separate his personal feelings from his work and if they were, they were keeping their lips around the fact. Even Miranda had finally come to him and basically given her blessings, such as they were. If they had still been with the Alliance there would be stolen kisses, the complete privacy of the Loft and the paranoia of being discovered. Shepard didn't need that, especially now. He needed something good and, well, if Joker had to be that good thing then so be it.

Not that he minded.

Shepard pulled Joker against him in the elevator and rested his head, arms around his shoulders. "So happy to be back…"

"And nodding off on me already. Don't make me drag you to bed."

"Mmm, I could be convinced into that," Shepard said and Joker could _feel_ him smile.

"Oh hah hah, hilarious. You'll pass out as soon as I get your boots off. The armour isn't exactly comfortable to sleep in, though, Commander. All hard and pointy and ugh, what is that anyway?"

Shepard wiped the armour plate on his chest where Joker had stuck his hand. "Ah, I think…yep, definitely varren blood."

"Oh that's just disgusting."

The elevator doors opened and Shepard stepped out. He could barely keep his eyes open but it didn't erase the grin from his lips. "Shower with me then."

"Y'know even for the more _able_ of people, sex in the shower is just rife with accidental injuries. It'd probably kill me."

Shepard shook his head. "You have a dirty mind."

"Oh, I have the dirty mind? Whose hand was straying way up my thigh the other night in the Mess?" He did follow Shepard, though. Followed and stared at the strong line of his back and rear and his legs all encased in black armour. He was seriously starting to think he had some sort of a fetish. Armour and guns. Of course, that might just be because Shepard liked both.

"That would be me," Shepard agreed. He kicked off his boots and began unfastening the plates of heavy armour, letting them drop to the ground near the bathroom door. A job for later.

"And apparently I have the dirty mind…" Joker said and made a disapproving click with his tongue. People always thought the worst of him. He pressed the button on the fish tank – the fish were already hovering near the glass, hoping he would feed them. They apparently knew far better than to hope Shepard would remember. He leant back against the glass and watched Shepard remove his armour, revealing the tight inner suit beneath. None of the armour had been punctured and there were no injuries but Joker knew he would be sporting some new bruises – no one could hurtle across a battlefield and slam headfirst into a krogan soldier and hope to come away completely unscathed. He chewed at his lower lip as Shepard reached and unfastened the clasp at the back of his neck and peeled away the black material. There was nothing inherently sexy in the motion but he could see Shepard's muscles flex along his ribs and through his arms and smell his sweat in the air.

Shepard paused, the material bunched at his waist. "…something wrong?"

That also shouldn't have been sexy but there was something undeniably hot about how clueless Shepard could be about certain things. "Just watching you strip. Generally you gotta pay for a show like this."

The realization spread and Shepard grinned. "I see. You're into that?"

"Who isn't? I keep telling you I like strippers. It's not like it's a secret. It's just not always the asari I'm looking at. Hot military guy, firm muscles, taking all his clothes off just for me? Yeah, I'm into that."

"Well, it was for the shower actually." Shepard grinned and stepped forward. He ran his hand up Joker's arm and then back down, their fingers brushing against each other. "I could be convinced to stay awake…give you a real show."

"Like I said, you'll fall asleep as soon as your head hits the pillow. Tris, honestly, it's fine. We've discussed this. Timing just…isn't great. If I'm asleep at my chair, no one cares, no one is gonna die. If you're even half outta the game, people will care, and people might die. Don't worry so much. When we get the chance I am going to rock your world."

Shepard removed Joker’s cap and flung it in the general direction of the bed. Whether it made it or not he wouldn’t know as Shepard pulled him into his arms and he was swept up into a torturous kiss. He felt a wash of biotics run over him and he was vaguely aware of the blue hum of light that forced the hairs on his arms on end as his skin prickled. His shirt soon followed his cap, pulled over his head and thrown towards the bed, landing somewhere on the floor with a soft _whump_. He couldn’t have cared less – he didn’t care about the shirt, or his hat, or even the fact that Shepard was pulling him towards the bathroom with his boots still on. They had this; precious seconds, minutes, moments that even if they weren’t always perfect, they sure as hell were _theirs_.

He did have to brace himself against the wall to pull off his boots, flinging them back out into the room followed by his socks. He’d probably spend at least ten minutes tomorrow morning looking for said socks. Why did socks always just disappear?

“You’re grinning,” Shepard said.

“I was thinking about socks.”

“Okay. Not quite where my mind was but sure, socks.”

Joker laughed. He had to. He wasn’t really sure what normal people did in this sort of situation; he was half naked, about to get very naked, in the shower with the man he loved.

Maybe this was just _them_.

He placed his hands on Shepard’s shoulders and pushed him back up against the wall, receiving a surprised intake of air but not much else. They could do this however they liked, they could continue this relationship however they liked – that was the deal, right? It was about them. In the Loft, together, it was about them and no one else. No krogan genophage, no Cerberus, no evil space squids or glowing cockroaches. He pulled back, giving himself just enough room to reach down and remove his belt. It hit the opposite wall near the sink, not that he was really paying attention – no, his attention was firmly on watching Shepard pushing the black material over his thighs and stepping it out of it, watching each muscle in his legs move and then eyeing the hand that was pulling at the waistband of tight, black underwear.

“How do you make those look good?” Joker asked. “Totally unfair.”

“Never really thought about it,” Shepard said. “The Alliance supplied the same sort. It saves me _shopping_.” He said the word like it was dirty.

Joker undid his trousers and hooked his thumbs into the belt loops and pulled them down. He even threw in a wiggle of his hips, purely for Shepard’s benefit, which earned him a chuckle and a thumb up in encouragement. It was appreciated – he knew one hundred percent that nothing about himself could really be called sexy. He knew he wasn’t the best looking guy, his muscles weren’t as defined as a soldier’s and he had a bit of a belly. Shepard had a natural deadly grace about him that Joker could never hope to achieve, but despite all that, well…. He smirked and pressed himself up against Shepard, pushing him against the wall again. Shepard was handsome, had perfectly defined muscles and yet here he was, with the not-so-perfect, somewhat-broken guy. It certainly gave his ego a pretty big boost knowing that Shepard would rather be with him than some hot asari or ripped Marine. 

He sucked in a breath and bit his lip as Shepard’s hands slipped beneath the waistband of his boxers (things south of his waist were way too precious to be asphyxiated by tight underwear). “Warn a guy before you go do that!” Though the reprimand was half hearted at best and he couldn’t help push back against the hands cupping his arse.

“How much fun is that?” Shepard asked. He ducked his head, pressing a kiss (with just a hint of teeth) to the skin of Joker’s neck.

So the shower was supposed to be a fairly utilitarian affair and in his mind he was still keenly aware of how tired Shepard was, but since they were in here anyway, it seemed like a good way to solve two problems at once, right? That was his justification, anyway. He wound his fingers into the waistband of Shepard’s underwear and pulled it down. It was kicked across the floor, followed by his own, to join his pants and belt in the corner. And yeah, he’d seen Shepard naked before – it wasn’t even that uncommon, after all everyone had showered together on the old _Normandy_ and while you didn’t exactly stand there watching a guy, it was hard not to let his eyes wander sometimes and, since it was him, yeah sometimes he couldn’t help the occasional comment, though Kaidan had never appreciated the jibes (not that he had anything to worry about because… _damn_ ). He’d seen Shepard naked before, touched him naked before, yet there was something almost seedy about being naked in the shower together. Which was stupid because if you were going to be naked, most people did that in the shower, right? 

He smirked. His hand was resting on Shepard’s hip, thumb brushing over a large purple bruise that was swelling beneath his skin. He could see others on his arms and one blooming near his clavicle where the armour would have pressed against the bone. But it was Shepard and the bruises would mostly be gone by morning. Joker reached over and hit the button on the shower and smiled as Shepard sighed with happy relief. He watched him tip his head back under the spray with his eyes closed, watched the rivulets of water spill over his hair and over his body and could see how his shoulders relaxed, the water washing away the stress.

“Better?” he asked. He could feel Shepard’s skin warming beneath his fingers and he wound his free hand into his hair, the water drenching the black spikes until they bent heavily to one side.

“You have no idea,” Shepard said with an elongated sigh after his words. He worked a crick from his neck and pulled Joker against him. He seemed content just to hold him there, pressed against his chest, the water running over them both and pooling at their feet. 

“I have some.” He grabbed the block of soap and pressed it gently against the contusion right under the otherwise perfect shape of Shepard’s collarbone. The only time he’d showered here before his shift he’d used Shepard’s soap and then spent the rest of the day feeling uncomfortably turned on by the smell. The cheap soap, the plain smell, was almost everything he associated with Shepard – that and the smell of eezo, that burning oxygen smell that clung to him and everything he touched. Not that it was bad – oh, it was anything but bad. He leant closer as he rubbed the soap over Shepard’s skin, washing away the sweat and hopefully the pain of the day’s events. But it was when Shepard _moaned_ that Joker had to really concentrate. The sound shot immediately through him because there was only one time he had heard Shepard moan like that and it had been a lot less chaste than this situation. He had to force himself to press on with the task, ignoring the insistent pulsing of his cock through gritted teeth.

He wasn’t even sure if he should be annoyed with his traitorous body or just enjoy. Shepard was standing there, his eyes closed, one hand placed gently on Joker’s hip and not moving. He was just enjoying the attention and the spray of the water. Joker? He was having trouble breathing as he moved his soapy hands down Shepard’s chest and along the well-defined lines of his abdominal muscles. He followed the line of one scar that met with one of the badly healed surgical incisions and saw the muscles twitch under his fingers. Every line, each peak and valley of muscle he felt like touching, he dragged his blunt nails across. He knew how much of Shepard was cybernetics, vat-grown organs and flesh, but he felt real, he smelled real and that was enough.

“C’mere…” Shepard murmured. He wrapped one arm around Joker’s shoulder and turned him so that his back was flush with Shepard’s chest. “Y’really need to stop that.” His voice was low, a deep drawl of exhaustion and arousal coupled.

And if words alone could do it, Joker would have been gone. The deep hum of Shepard’s voice in his ear shot right down his spine and pooled as heat in his goddamn balls. The arm around his chest tightened to keep him steady and he needed it because he felt his legs attempt to give way as Shepard fisted the other hand around his growing erection. Slow, lazy, without any real rhythm and no desire to meet any pace and Joker realized that crappy, cheap soap and water made really poor lubricant but god, it so did not matter. His hand shot back and he grasped Shepard’s hip and he couldn’t help but rock into his working hand. He leant his head back and just about drowned himself.

Shepard chuckled and kissed his temple. “Careful… No shower-related injuries, remember?”

“Shit!” It was all he could manage out of his lips. He turned his head, burying his nose against that same bruise on Shepard’s chest. Water ran over his lips and he licked it away and almost choked as Shepard ran his thumb over the head of his cock, nudging back foreskin and applying just enough pressure that he felt the tingle all the way in his toes. 

It was infuriating, frustrating, teasing and he just wanted Shepard to find some sort of rhythm, speed up, or tighten his grip, or _something_! He thrust his hips forward again and all that Shepard did was hold him steady against him, his hand actually stopping over the head of his cock. The water ran over them, numbing his hyper-sensitive skin. "Tris..." he complained.

Shepard ran his fingers over Joker's chest where his hand was resting. "I was worried you'd stopped breathing," Shepard said.

"If you don't keep moving your damn hand...I may have to kill you. Air unimportant," Joker said. He couldn't believe how breathless he sounded. He ran his tongue over his lips again and blinked through the water that ran down his face. Shepard smiled at him and muttered something against his lips, but it was lost. He had to try stifle the strangled sound he wanted to make as Shepard cupped his balls and rolled his palm over them. He grabbed the arm around his chest, his nails digging into Shepard's skin, his other hand still caught on his waist and holding him there against his back. Joker could feel where the sweat and water was pooling between them and could feel the comfortable pressure of Shepard's cock against his thigh, not quite hard but rising to the stimuli.

And then Shepard's hand was working over him, finding just the right pressure, just the right speed and tactic, his thumb running along the vein, sliding over the flushed head. His world was centred on Shepard's hand, his fingers, the warmth at his back, the water running down his body and the obscenely hot noises their bodies made against each other, working through the spray.

"Tris... I-I can't--shit!" His legs were dead weights, aching and not wanting to really hold him, but he pulled Shepard closer to him - he wouldn't let this go, the burning, tight, overwhelming feeling that sunk low in him.

"I got you," Shepard said against his ear. He pressed a kiss below the lobe against the sensitive skin and Joker lost it. 

The deep rumble of Shepard's voice tipped him over, that and the steady slide of Shepard's hand and the heat that had built in him and then exploded, the heat of the water - everything. It was almost embarrassing how fast and hard he came. He didn't cry out, barely made a noise, panting and sucking in air and trying not to swallow water and Shepard was holding him up because he couldn't hold himself up. Shepard had him. For as long as he needed.

Joker hummed in the back of his throat, trying to open his eyes and push away so he could stand by himself, but Shepard was still holding him and he could feel the slick block of soap running over his chest. He bit back a laugh - what had started with him wanting to take care of Shepard, soothe the worries and stress from his body, had turned into Shepard turning the tables and taking over. 

The rest of the shower _was_ utilitarian, but still good. Joker tried not to be too sappy about it, but Shepard was careful with him, making sure he had no trouble standing and just grinned at him as Joker's legs shook when he finally pushed away from his chest. Shepard didn't make a joke, but he could imagine what it would be.

Shepard hit the button on the shower and the water switched off. The steam was quickly filtered from the room and before Joker could pull a towel around himself, Shepard had thrown one over his head.

"I reckon we used up a week’s water supply," he said. He rubbed the towel over Joker's hair and he had to pull it away just so he could look at Tris.

"I think you deserve it," he said. "Though...that wasn't quite how I wanted that to go. If you're up for round two then you've got a whole bed and the rest of the night, y'know." But looking at Shepard he knew that wasn't on the table. The bone-weary exhaustion was evident and Shepard was in that place of happy sleepiness, the tightness gone from his body but barely able to keep his eyes open, barely able to stay standing.

So it was expected when Shepard shook his head. "Trust me, this is what I wanted. Being with you? Being able to touch you, smell you..." He rubbed his forehead and then grabbed another towel and tied it around his waist, barely bothering to scrub it over his fast drying skin. "Today was shit. The krogans, the genophage? I don't want to be in charge of decisions like that. Something that is definitely going to come back and bite me in the ass. Everyone has ideas of what they want, what they want me to do, but you..."

"I love you."

Too soon? No way, it couldn't be too soon. It felt like his heart had stopped. Shit, shit, maybe it was too soon? But he'd been thinking about it, he knew it one hundred percent, knew that there wasn't any doubt in his mind anymore, in his heart, his gut that he loved Tristan Shepard. He loved him, he wanted to be there for him, wanted to be responsible for his safety, his health and happiness and--

"I know." 

"W-what?" Okay, so not the brightest of his comebacks but damn, he was tired and had just had one hell of a handjob. It was amazing he could put a sentence together.

Not that it mattered. The smile on Shepard's face couldn't have been bigger. "For weeks I've been killing myself thinking about how to say that and you just go and do it. Every time I thought about it, it seemed bigger and scarier and...and... I love you." He sighed, his shoulders sagging. Once it was said, it just didn't seem so big anymore. More...obvious. Shepard grabbed the two ends of the towel to drag Joker closer to him. His knuckles brushed against his cheek and he leaned down and kissed him.

Just like that. It was out in the open, done. Joker wasn't really sure why he'd been so scared about it, so concerned about just saying it and being done with it. He'd been over denying it for long enough. Neither of them beat around the bush, it was always straight to the point, either with cutting wit from him or generally a biotic charge from Shepard (or okay, yeah, he was an amazing diplomat really. Tris wasn't always ready to blow things up and never before trying to talk his way out of a situation). For two years he'd had to live without Shepard, had his whole world torn asunder – blamed for his death, grounded, coming to Cerberus – and he'd finally just taken the leap and see where it had gotten him? He had Shepard back and, more importantly, he had Shepard here in his arms. By taking just a few reckless, careless actions he had everything he wanted. If he'd turned down Miranda's offer, of if he'd kept his feelings bottled away, if he'd let his doubts and worries stop him…he wouldn't have this.

He looped his arms around Shepard's neck, brushing his fingers against the port under his hand and feeling the slight discharge of static energy that tingled through his arm. He grinned and pressed a kiss against Shepard's cheek before resting their foreheads together. He didn't think he'd ever really be able to explain to Tris what it had felt like to lose him, but somehow he figured he understood. If something did happen to him, Shepard would probably be in much the same situation. Except no one was bringing him back – even if Shepard begged the Illusive Man he really doubted anyone would be spending billions of credits resurrecting him. But he knew (oh, he _knew_ ) that if the _Normandy_ hadn't been destroyed, if Shepard hadn't given his life to save him, they probably would have never gotten here. Maybe Shepard and Kaidan would have stopped dancing around each other and settled down, or maybe Shepard would have sought company somewhere else and Joker would have stayed in the cockpit and grown more bitter. He found it pretty hard to feel any sort of bitterness right now (except maybe for the Reapers…and Collectors, and Cerberus a lot and definitely a lot for the Illusive Man and maybe still Kaidan, though just a touch, and maybe Liara? He wasn't sure how he felt about her because Tris never mentioned what happened on Illium). All of that? They had needed that.

He pulled back and motioned over his shoulder. "Coming to bed then?"

Shepard nodded. "Yeah, 'course. Right now—" He yawned, unable to stop himself. "Right now it's number one on the priority list."

Joker grinned. "You are starting to look like hell. Y'know, more so than before. 's okay though, because you're still damn good looking. I'm a lucky guy." He lowered his hand and gave Shepard's buttock a tight squeeze. Just because he could. He was entitled, right?

* * *

Watching the team over vidcom was like vicariously living their lives. Joker could almost imagine being on the ground, sliding behind cover without having to worry about breaking a limb, could imagine the heavy weight of a weapon and armour pressing in on his body. Mostly he liked to imagine what it would be like to fight side-by-side with Shepard. They would storm a mercenary base together, Shepard with his shotgun and he would have an assault rifle. In his mind he'd even picked armour in complimentary colours, as sad as _that_ was. Which is why he'd never tell anyone his secret fantasy.

_"Scratch one!"_

He'd have better one-liners than Garrus, too.

Not that he minded being the Helmsman. Not at all. He was air support - sometimes a subtle reminder to the enemies that they were bigger and badder than they were...with a shinier ship. The Normandy was both his rifle and his armour. But he could imagine what it would be like to be out on the field and Shepard would smile back at him and then pull him into his arms at the end of a battle once the evil villain had been destroyed. He'd make some horrible joke and lean down and-

Joker sighed and leaned back against his chair. He needed to stop thinking that way. In fact, he needed to stop thinking about Shepard in general. Or rather, had to keep his mind on the job. He actually had no idea what was going on down there, he'd lost track at some point between watching Shepard piloting the Hammerhead dangerously close to the cliff-edge and Shepard piloting the Hammerhead dangerously close to the covering fire of the AA guns. Oh and then there was the bit where Shepard crashed the front of the Hammerhead into the blast doors of the building before going in to fight a crapload of geth. Maybe he really did need to give Shepard driving lessons?

Not in the _Normandy_ , though. There were some things he wasn't prepared to risk, no matter how much he loved the Commander, and his baby was one of them. Shepard could watch...and not touch anything.

He would be keeping a closer eye on things down there but it didn't help that he'd had little to no sleep. Last night, the night before and...yep, the night before that. He rubbed at his cheek and then his eyes. It was silly but the last time he'd gotten any real sleep was in Shepard's cabin. Joker smiled. He'd fallen asleep with his arms wrapped around Tris, running his fingers up and down his arm. The Commander had been so tired he fell asleep almost instantly, just like Joker had predicted, but not before pressing his back against Joker's chest and kissing the palm of his hand.

Joker rubbed at his eyes again. It just wasn't the same now to sleep in the crew quarters. He knew what he was missing. He spent hours just staring at the bunk above him, pretending he could see through it and see Tris asleep in his bed. Shepard was a very quiet sleeper, hardly ever moving, staking out a spot and curling himself into a tight ball. So far the only thing Joker had found that worked to ease Shepard's sleep was actual contact. Even if it was just a hand on his arm. Just letting him know that someone else was there. Joker smiled to himself, feeling that giddy well of emotion rise in his chest. No, not just anyone, he was letting Tris know that _he_ was there for him. If anyone else actually managed to get close enough to Shepard while he was sleeping, they wouldn't get much further than laying a finger on him - but people knew better than to startle a trained soldier and biotic.

And he had to wonder if Tris was awake too on those nights, but considering how tired the Commander generally was, he doubted it. So he never asked to join him and only ever stayed if things panned out that way. Shepard would invite him if that's what he wanted, but with all the reports, plans and research he was doing? It wasn't surprising that Joker had spent the last - he counted it out on his fingers, trying to recall - six nights alone.

Because this was it. He'd seen Shepard spending more time with Miranda, seen him talking to the crew, checking weapons and setting things up. Shepard was going to do this. They were going to go after the Reaper IFF, they were going to find it and they would hit the Collectors right in their cozy little impenetrable fortress through the Omega 4 relay. Joker swallowed. A suicide mission.

He really didn't want to think about it in that way, but they all knew the score. This could and was most likely going to be the last thing they ever did. Even if they did make it through the Relay and defeat the Collectors there was no way to tell whether any of them would or even could make it back. This was very likely a one-way trip.

The screen above him flickered and brought up an error signal. Joker looked up. He tapped his console and furrowed his brows. "Uh, Commander? We just lost your feed. Something going on?"

"Commander Shepard has disappeared from contactable range, Mr Moreau. His baseline readings have also disappeared."

"What? Shepard?" He shifted in his chair. His hands flew over his console trying to get the signal back. His heart felt like it was in his throat. No, Shepard was fine. He had to be fine.

"Garrus! What's going on down there?" he asked over the link.

" _Good question. This whole station has been hacked. Shepard just touched the console—"_

" _Bosh'tet!"_ Tali cursed over her line.

" _We're not sure what happened. He seemed like he was in pain and stumbled out of the room. The doors locked behind him. Tali is trying to get them open."_

"He touched the console? What console? What's happening?"

" _The codes are changing just as fast as I can work!"_ Tali cried. _"I can't get through."_

Joker slammed his fist on his console and felt the pain burn behind his eyes. Broken finger, almost definitely. "There has to be something you can do to get through those doors, or what the hell good are you doing down there?" he snapped over the open line.

" _There's nothing we can do, Joker,"_ Garrus said, in that same tone that Shepard used when he was trying to calm someone overreacting.

It actually made him feel slightly better. Slightly. Enough to cradle his damaged hand to himself, wincing in pain as his finger caught his shirt.

There was nothing any of them could do. Through Garrus' camera he could see Tali slumped against the door, still trying to work through the locks that outran her. Shepard's camera feed was still blank, his readings silent. He could be injured…he could be dead.

The bridge sounded too silent all around him. Or was he just hearing white noise that had blocked everything else out?

"Jeff!"

He started, sitting up tall in his chair. Chakwas was standing next to him. "Y-yeah?"

"EDI informed me that you had injured yourself."

Joker looked at the holographic orb next to his console. Traitorous AI… "Yeah, a bit. Broke my finger in a fit of stupidity." He couldn't look at Chakwas so he refocused his vision on the blank screen above Garrus' video feed. He held out his arm and pretty much ignored her as she looked him over. He couldn't think about pleasantries right now.

"You've broken two fingers and have a fracture in your wrist. Stupidity is correct."

He was about to snap back at her but the screen flickered. He pulled his arm back against his waist, supporting his fingers there for the meantime. The video feed struggled to connect but Shepard's vitals flashed back up – elevated pulse, increased rate of breathing, but no injuries, no application of Medi-gel noted. Joker sighed in relief and slumped in his chair. He could feel tears welling in the corner of his eyes. It was so stupid. This was _not_ the thing that would take Tris out but the relief was still overwhelming.

"Oh…" Chakwas said next to him. "That is _heinous_."

He looked up and saw what Chakwas saw. A man…strapped into some sort of device, suspended in the air naked. No, not just strapped…he was bolted into that thing. "What the hell?"

Chakwas didn't move from where she knelt on the ground next to him, watching the video feed. Her eyes had glassed over with tears and she jumped when the loud crack of Shepard's pistol shot through the bridge. Chakwas was an Alliance doctor, she wasn't scared by guns or troubled by the thought of men killing each other, but she shook her head. Not for Shepard's sake but rather for what Archer had done. "How men can commit such atrocities…"

"Some people just think the ends justify the means. No matter what the means." Joker ran the fingers of his uninjured hand over his console but didn't open a comm link to Shepard. He knew he was fine and even though he wanted to talk to him, to double-check, he didn't. He could wait. "I suppose we should bandage me up again."

Chakwas stood. "EDI, would you mind if I escorted your helmsman to the Med Bay?"

"I appreciate your quick response."

"You can get him back safe, EDI?" Joker asked as he hauled himself up from his chair. The pain sliced through his arm but he took a deep breath and forced it down.

"I am capable of receiving the ground party for pick-up without consequence."

"…good. Thanks." He followed Chakwas but cast a concerned look back at EDI. He knew the AI was capable of flying the ship but he preferred not having to leave while Shepard was planetside.

The unfortunate thing for broken fingers and a fracture was that there wasn't much Chakwas could do. It also didn't help that he kept busting the same damn hand. Chakwas had reset the bones in surgery last time he tried to punch Shepard, but she wasn't going to bother for two small breaks and a wannabe.

"How are you, Jeff?"

"Hurts, but it's fine."

"I was not talking about your hand." Chakwas stood in front of him. She bandaged his two fingers together with a small pad between to stop them rubbing. She could stop the swelling and bruising but that was about it without actually cutting him open, which he really wasn't up for today (or any time soon).

He rubbed the back of his neck with his other hand, grateful for the pain relief that was starting to flood through his body. "Fine, Doc. Really."

She smiled at him. "It's nice to see you somewhere other than the bridge. You have been spending most of your free time with the Commander or Kasumi. I'm very proud."

"Don't get all sappy on me, Doc."

She carefully bandaged his wrist despite his protests. He tried to pull his arm back but Chakwas obviously wasn't in the mood as she held his arm tight in place with far more strength than one would expect out of the woman.

"I've been your Doctor for a long time, Jeff. Before the _Normandy_ , before the Commander… It's nice to see you with people. You smile more, you come to therapy without being prodded incessantly, and you take your medications without force-feeding."

"Come on, I'm not that bad. I always take the damn meds."

She smiled at him again and patted his bandaged wrist carefully. "I would place this in a sling but I know you will remove it as soon as you're out of sight."

"Shit yeah."

"Well, one can but hope that one day you'll act more like your age. Perhaps the Commander will be a stabilizing element…though I doubt it considering the trouble he gets himself into." She removed the patch from the side of his neck. "If the swelling increases or you're in unusual amounts of pain, then please come back and I will give you another dose."

"Yeah, no problem. It'll be fine. Hardly the worst I've done to myself."

"Thank you for looking after the Commander, Jeff."

He lowered his feet to the ground from the medical bed and looked back at Chakwas. "I don't really know if what I do deserves praise, Doc. Pretty sure I'm a bad influence."

"He's happy with you. The weight lifts from his shoulders. The stress will kill him just as fast as any Collector or Geth. You've given him something that he can't fight to get – something to slow down for. The Commander rarely comes for physical examinations but his hardsuit readouts concern me. He's lost weight from exhaustion and poor eating habits, he drinks too much caffeine and drinks more alcohol than he should."

"Now that is definitely probably my fault."

"I try not to think about how much you drink, Jeff. I'd remind you that alcohol and medications don't mix well if I thought you would listen to me."

He shook his head.

"Of course. I just… I worry for both of you. You are my crew, he is my Commanding Officer, and both of you are my very dear friends. But you make each other happy. I know you will look after him, Jeff. Because you are like that."

He didn't bother denying the accusation that he was a _nice guy_. Not with Chakwas. "I'm surprised you're not trying to warn me off him, or warn him off me, or offer scary medical advice."

"You never listen to my advice, Jeff." Chakwas sat at her desk and took a sip from her coffee mug (that was full of something that definitely did not look like coffee). "I don't have to tell you to be careful. You're both adults. Jeff, you understand your body better than anyone. You know what you are capable of and you know when you're in pain. Go with that and, please, don't share any of the details."

Joker grinned impishly. "I'll send a video to your Omni."

* * *

When the Hammerhead landed and the cargo bay closed, Joker was there waiting.

"I can't believe you ran it over," Tali complained and shoved Garrus in the arm. "It was a defenceless creature."

"You don't remember the one that stole Shepard's credits? That's probably what those arms are specifically for: thieving credits off stupid travellers."

"The actions of one of its kind can hardly tarnish an entire species."

Garrus nodded to him, but they otherwise didn't acknowledge his presence. His attention was squarely on Shepard anyway. Standing in the middle of the cargo hold he seemed so small, despite the armour, despite the guns. He walked over, ignoring the twinge in his thigh that shot into his knee and the new pain in his arm, trying his best not to limp too much, knowing Shepard would be concerned.

"Hey," he said. He stopped in front of Shepard and looked up.

Shepard pulled off his helmet and tucked it under one arm. His armour was dirty, covered in blood and the white synthetic fluid that meant he'd been fighting geth. He smiled, just a small twinge of his lips really. "Hey." Otherwise, his face was impassive, a blank slate.

"How are you feeling today?" Shepard asked. "What happened to your hand?"

It was funny - Shepard had just run a gauntlet, fought through geth and an entire hacked station, jumped clear of an exploding satellite dish, and he was asking about his health.

"That's so typical of you. You've gone all quiet and moody and you take one look at me and start worrying yourself over my health," Joker said. "How about you let me worry about you like, oh, just this once. 'Cause honestly? You look like death."

"Fantastic..."

Tris lowered his helmet to the ground and then pulled Joker into his arms. Joker didn't even care that he was pressed against hard armour, or about the dirt and blood. He cared that he could feel Shepard breathe in against his ear, nose buried against his hair, cheek against his hat. He held Shepard, fingers pressed against the cool armour, and remained there for as long as needed. He ran his fingers through the hair at the back of Shepard's neck, careful to avoid the port lower down this soon after a fire fight. Shepard swept him into a kiss, lips demanding, urgent. But he was the one to end it. He pushed Shepard back, watching the hum of blue energy dissipate. Shepard really was dead on his feet, having trouble just standing, and Joker could think of much better things than standing in the middle of the cargo hold. He picked up Shepard's helmet, tucking it under his arm and gestured for the Commander to follow him into the elevator.

"You'll have a shower," he said. "Wash the grime off and I'll bring you something to eat."

Shepard sighed and Joker couldn't help but stare as Shepard ran his gloved fingers up over his skin. He could feel the hairs on his arm stand on end as his skin prickled. The little voice in his head went whoa, stay right here, let Shepard do whatever he wants to you until he feels better or you feel better or whatever! But the good part of him said no.

Damn conscience.

"You'll feel a million times better after you've showered and eaten. Trust me," Joker said. He patted Shepard's cheek. "Put on those really bad looking sweats you like."

"Hey! ...they're comfortable."

"Comfortable and ugly but I'll live with you not being the height of fashion. For ugly sweatpants you look damn good in them."

Shepard smiled. He leaned forward and placed a small kiss on the Joker's cheek. "Well, thank you, I guess."

"Yeah, I'm a real charmer. Go." He handed Shepard the helmet and the doors swished open to the landing of Deck 1.

"You'll be up soon?"

"You won't even notice I'm gone."

Shepard pulled the hat off his head and claimed Joker's lips in another kiss. There was that voice again. Forget dinner, forget shower, they could just...no! Geez, what was wrong with him? Joker pulled back and pressed the helmet into Shepard's hands before taking a step back and hitting the button for the Crew Deck. He could get distracted later.

Though it didn't stop him from being so distracted that he walked right into Kelly as he stepped out of the lift. She squeaked in fright and grabbed his shoulders, attempting to keep him upright. At least she had quick reflexes.

"Whoa, sorry Kelly!" He grabbed her arm and it took the both of them just to stay standing.

"Oh no, my fault! I wasn't looking where I was going at all." She laughed and let go of his shoulders, her cheeks flushed red. A lock of her hair had stuck to her lipstick and Joker just kind of stared, hoping she would notice.

"Uh...yeah, well I was just-"

"How's Shepard?" she asked.

He skirted around her but she followed. It was Kelly, after all. "He's tired. I'm bringing him dinner."

"I hope you're bringing dinner for yourself, too. You haven't eaten most of the day. If the Commander is out, then you're at your station."

"Yeah? I'm not leaving anyone else in charge if he's down there."

"I don't think he would have minded if you left EDI in charge long enough to get a sandwich."

He was sure Shepard wouldn't have minded. But _he_ minded - he wasn't going to leave a computer in charge while Shepard was out risking his life. If something happened then he'd need to be there. It was a matter of pride, of loyalty...and it was all he could do. Sometimes being there didn't even help. Today was too close. Shepard dropping off like that scared the hell out of him and he hadn't even seen it coming.

"Shepard really goes down into some tough missions. I don't envy him at all," Kelly said. She leaned on the counter and watched Joker in the small galley. "I'm really glad he has someone to come home to, as silly as that sounds. But he has you. You're there for him, even if it's just someone to hold. We all need that."

"Are you trying to talk your way into my pants, Kelly?"

"What? No! Oh Joker, you're pulling my leg, aren't you?"

He grinned. "Maybe. Though I'm still not sure about you. You're entirely too perky."

She waved her hand at him and rolled her eyes. "There's nothing wrong with being optimistic and cheerful. Someone has to be. Sometimes it's more important to pretend you're in control than actually being in control. I think—I think Shepard knows that more than anyone."

He pulled the tray out of the warmer and checked the tag. Another delicious vitamin and mineral balanced meal for himself, no doubt. Too bad they tasted like ass. All Alliance meals tasted like ass and Cerberus was little better.

"Joker...is he okay? Honestly?" Kelly asked. She wrinkled her nose and pulled away more hair from her lips and then rubbed away some of the gloss.

Joker shrugged. He knew perfectly well the answer but the information wasn't his to give. If Kelly or Cerberus or anyone else wanted to know, they could ask Tris themselves. Though he was pretty sure he knew what answer they would get and it was the variety that used fingers instead of words. "If you were anyone else maybe I'd answer that, but we all know who you report to. I didn't tell Miranda, and I'm not telling you, so if you're really worried then ask Tris himself."

"It's not like that, Joker. Yes, I report to the Illusive Man but I still care for you all as my friends. I'm just worried," Kelly continued. "I know you're the closest to him. He... He really trusts you. When I see how he looks at you, it makes my whole heart sing. You really make him happy."

Joker put both meals on a tray along with two cans of soda and cutlery. His lips twitched in a small smile and he looked at Kelly. "I know," he said and then took the tray, balancing it carefully with his half-busted hand, and left. Kelly wasn't going to hear anything from him.

He was convinced, now more than ever, that their alliance with Cerberus was purely out of necessity. He trusted Shepard completely. Alenko was an idiot and his mistrust really just proved that he never understood Shepard - he'd never even tried. Anyone who knew Tris, really knew him, hadn't doubted him. Even Tali, who had been shocked to see him on Freedom's Progress, had never said she didn't trust him and well, now she was here.

He wished he could get his hands on Kaidan. He would strangle him for being such a flaming idiot and putting Shepard through what happened on Horizon. If he _ever_ saw Kaidan again, the man would definitely be getting a piece of his mind, anyway. Him and the Illusive Man. Joker had never spoken to the man in person, or even over holovid, but knowing he was there calling the shots for an organization like Cerberus and sending his ship, his crew and Shepard into life or death situations for what was probably largely his own gain? Yeah, that didn't sit with him very well. It made his stomach churn.

He felt bad lumping his annoyance with Kaidan in the same ship. That wasn't fair at all. Genuinely nice guy who got a little screwed up and acted like a dickhead compared to the overreaching dictator of a xenophobic evil organization? They were not the same thing. Kaidan was... Kaidan had... Ugh, it didn't matter. Kaidan was gone, off being the good little Alliance poster boy, probably earning a couple shiny medals and a promotion helping kittens out of trees.

Joker balanced the tray on one hand but found the doors to the Loft opened without his request. No sign of Tris, though, but he could hear the shower running. He smirked and looked to the panel on his left. "Thanks, EDI."

"You are welcome, Mr Moreau."

He looked at the holographic orb to his left. "Hey, EDI…?"

"Yes, Mr Moreau?"

"Erm…you don't, like, monitor the stuff that goes on in here, right? Like things specifically at night that two people share with each other that really shouldn't be recorded, well, unless you're into that sort of thing, which I'm not."

"My system continuously monitors the ship."

He frowned. "So…?"

"I respect the privacy of the crew and especially the Commanding Officer; however, I am unable to 'switch off' my monitoring capabilities."

Hm, so the answer was yes, there were recordings of what went on in here. "And those recordings go to…?"

"Only information pertinent to the mission or the safety of the ship or crew is observed by Operative Lawson. So far I have not found anything that you and the Commander engage in pertinent to the mission."

But it was still there. Maybe Miranda got off on that sort of thing. Tightly wound ice queen that she was. After all, home-grown porn was always better than actors and not all porn had Commander Shepard in it – well, except for some of that asari stuff with the actor that really looked like Tris and that one batarian vid with 'Commander Shepard' that looked absolutely nothing like him.

"So, EDI…" He smirked. "If you're always watching, what'd you think?"

"In regards to what subject, Mr Moreau?"

"Y'know…us? Are we hot or what. C'mon, it's pretty hot, even if I do say so myself. And I mean, _look_ at Shepard. He's the type of guy painters dedicate works of art to, right?"

There was a pause – quite a long one, really. Much longer than EDI usually took to process information.

"I do not have the capabilities to render an adequate judgment of your performance in the bedroom. However, based on the information I have gathered it seems that it would be enjoyable to view."

Joker choked back a laugh. He had a feeling that he'd just forced EDI to watch a lot of porn to be able to 'render that judgment'.

With dinner ready, such as it was, he had nothing else to do but wait for Shepard to finish his shower. Well, that and be a good houseboy and clean up. He laughed to himself - he couldn't help it. This totally did mean he was smitten, didn't it? He chucked a sock into the laundry and sighed. Yup, totally smitten.

"You're cleaning up after me?" Shepard asked.

Joker looked over his shoulder and he just couldn't help the excited thrill that ran through his body. Shepard - _his_ Shepard - standing gloriously damp from his shower in nothing but those ugly sweatpants and towel around his shoulders was a fantastic sight. "Just trying to be helpful. I even made dinner."

"Hm, if this is really how you cook then I have my reservations about shacking up with you."

Joker paused and frowned, his brows furrowing. He dropped the other sock, which had been hiding under the foot of the bed, into the laundry and hit the button on the console. "You know we're kind of on a ship, right? Not exactly like we could...y'know, do something like that."

Shepard sat on the couch, his bare foot resting against the edge of the table. He didn't say anything and went about opening his meal, grimacing at the contents but digging his fork in regardless.

Joker felt his stomach flip. Yeah, in the future, once all this was done and there were no more Collectors, no more Reapers, and Shepard was the most famous man in the galaxy, yeah _then_ he could imagine it. He could see that farm on Mindoir, with a puppy and some goats and...wheat? He wasn't really sure about the whole farming part, but the rest sounded good. But now? They didn't really have that luxury.

"I botched it, didn't I?" Tris asked. He popped the top off the can of soda but didn't actually drink any.

"What? Botched what?"

The can went back onto the table, followed by the meal, which Joker couldn't actually identify from the look of the contents.

"I just... You know me; single-minded, charge straight into battle without actually thinking about anything and it just gets me into too much trouble. I don't like thinking about things. I over-think and things go wrong. I just...it makes _sense_. Today I just saw how things can go wrong, how everything keeps going wrong." Tris rubbed his forehead and leaned forward, his head in his hands as he stared at the floor.

"You can't stop people being idiots," Joker said. He hesitated, and he hated himself for it, but he wasn't sure what Tris was talking about except for the fact that it made him nervous, but he did come to sit next to him and placed a hand on his shoulder. "You did what you could."

"It doesn't feel like it. God... I just hate humanity sometimes. That kid was his _brother_."

"And he has you to thank for rescuing him. The Alliance has him now. They'll look after him - they're alright with shit like that."

Tris rubbed his eyes and turned slightly, his head low. His hand quivered. Joker reached over and took Tris' hand, tightening his fingers around the wrist.

"David is safe now," Joker repeated. "And you're here. You did all you could, and you saved that kid."

"I know. I know! It was different. I've never had to see... David, he did something. I could see, like I was seeing through his eyes - a computer, a VI, I don't know. But I could see what he was seeing, and then he showed me what happened to him. It's just... It's the first time I ever thought I wasn't in control. That someone could use me, use my body like that. That this..." He growled in frustration. "That this body isn't really mine."

Joker frowned. "Don't you dare fucking say that. I saw you. Yeah, you've got some pretty neat tech in you, but this is you. I saw you on that damn table, bits of you, and I am _never_ going to be able to get that imagine out my damn head. I told you that. You know that. You are Tristan Shepard." He wasn't very strong, but there was also little to no resistance as he pulled Shepard against him. He settled his arms around Shepard's bare chest and pressed his nose to his hair. He understood he had to be scared - he understood that - but he wasn't going to allow it.

Shepard took an unsteady breath. "The Reapers have hacking and technical abilities a million times more powerful than David or the Geth. What if-"

"You would never let that happen," Joker interrupted. He placed a kiss on Shepard's temple and closed his eyes. He smelled clean. "Because you're single-minded and you don't over think things, right? If they try anything you just won't let them." He could sense the worry still, could feel it in Shepard's body, another twist to the tightly wound coil inside him, but the doubt was never going to dissipate. It was just another thing he had to deal with...and another thing Joker would help him deal with. He pressed another kiss to Shepard's hair and then pushed him up. "Finish your dinner. You're really pale."

Shepard let out a small laugh. "You're one to talk. We really need to get you out in the sun some more."

Joker gave his shoulder a shove. "Yeah right. No chance. I like not being burnt. You know how long it took for the red on my nose to go away?"

He almost reeled back when Shepard placed a kiss on the end of his nose. Almost, but didn't.

"I was there," Shepard said. He handed Joker the sealed ready-meal. "Eat."

"Yeah, yeah..."

It was awful, just like he suspected the meal would be. Some sort of meat and vegetable mess that at one point might have been tasty but was now grey and congealed and somewhat cold so that it was almost entirely unpalatable. But it was food and he couldn't really ask for much more at sea. It was best to hold your breath and swallow it down without really tasting anything.

"Stay here tonight," Shepard said.

"That was the plan, babe," Joker said.

"And tomorrow night."

He looked at Shepard, who was staring intently at the remains of his dinner. Was he...?

"It just seems right."

"That's what you meant before?"

Shepard nodded. "It's just... I don't want to see you go anymore. I don't want to be up here and be thinking about you down there-"

"Down there?" Joker grinned.

"You know what I mean. I'm just tired. Tired and I want to wrap my arms around you and not think that maybe the next night you won't be here. We don't— There isn't much time left. We've done all we can. I'll be going onto that damn Reaper ship and then we're going after the Collectors. If this is all the time we have, then I want to spend it with you. All the time I have I want to spend it with you – just you."

"So you do want me to..." Joker swallowed down his anxiety. "Move in?" It sounded so silly. Move in? That's something normal people did; normal people with houses and apartments and furniture that could be rearranged and pictures to hang on walls. He had his seabag with his clothes and some comics.

"I guess you could call it that."

"Well that's what it is, right? I would be here, with you, and all my stuff would be here, and all your stuff and wow, okay this is big. This isn't just screwing around."

Shepard put his almost empty tray down and leant back against the back of the couch. "I don't do things by halves. It's my 'thing'. It's why I run with a shotgun and love the whole biotic charge deal." He stood and paced a few steps back and forth, scratching at his hair and forehead.

Joker took a deep breath. Why was he questioning this? It made sense, didn't it? He had no doubt about his feelings for Tris, he spent almost all of his time here anyway, hell, he'd even used Shepard's toothbrush, but this...it was scary. Not just because it was a huge thing in a relationship – a normal relationship anyway. People in relationships moved in together after a while, right? – but because it was so final sounding. They weren't doing this because they were normal people in a normal relationship. They were doing this because it might be all the time they had together, like their whole lives had to be sped through just to keep up.

"Maybe... Maybe you can just think about it? I don't mean to pressure you. That was never my intention." Shepard kneeled down in front of him, stroking Joker's knee through the fabric of his pants. "Jeff…just do whatever you feel is right. If you don't want to do this—"

"It sure is better than hot bunking, I guess," Joker blurted out, cutting off Shepard's sentence midway. He didn't need to think about this. He smiled as he felt Tris' hands stroking up his thighs. "Plus I could finally rub it in Kasumi's face that I have better quarters than her. I mean, seriously, how did the newbies get all the good places on the ship?"

"So...yes?" Shepard asked.

"...yeah."

Shepard sighed and his relief was obvious.

"Just how long were you thinking about that, anyway?" Joker asked.

"About as long as I've thought about everything else when it comes to you. I don't know how you do it but when it comes to you I over-think everything. You should consider teaching - you could have turned me into a good enough Adept."

"Doubt it. Besides...I like you just how you are. Can't imagine if you were into meditation and other goofy stuff. I like you as kind of a badass."

"A badass who is scared to say he loves you, or to ask you to move in with him in his stupid small cabin?"

Joker threaded his fingers into Shepard's hair. There was just enough to grab to pull him into a kiss. Not that he got any resistance.

He spent the night curled in Shepard's arms, easing the worry and concern from his body just by being there. He watched him sleep, his face softened, the lines on his forehead smooth, eyelashes brushing his cheeks. It wasn't that Joker couldn't sleep, it was more that he didn't want to. Watching Shepard sleep gave him a weird thrill; being able to touch him, press a kiss to his cheek, and inhale against his neck where Shepard held him close was something that no one else could do. If this was all they got, then he had no regrets. And when he did fall asleep it was to a night free of haunting dreams and niggling concerns.

There was no big deal in moving his things. He didn't tell anyone. There was no excited squealing from Kasumi or jokes from Garrus. It just happened. Instead of showering in the crew washroom he brought his things to the Loft. Next time he needed a change of clothes he brought the rest up and rearranged a small space in Shepard's drawers – not that either of them owned a lot. His toothbrush found a new place next to Shepard's and he had to laugh at the thought of his trimmer joining Shepard's razor (after all, Shepard didn't need to shave often and Joker, well, he shaved _a lot_ just to keep his beard neat).

With his clothes and toiletries upstairs already, his locker was a sad thing. One pair of old shoes in his bottom locker (which he threw out, because the heel was almost worn right through. He'd only been holding onto them because he had nothing else), his old cap, a couple books, his datapad and his comics.

How pathetic that this was what his life amounted to. He, much like Shepard, didn't have an apartment somewhere, didn't have family heirlooms or treasured personal items. No teddies from childhood, no medals or trophies from sporting accomplishments as a teen. When his mom had died he hadn't handled her estate, such as it was. He'd been away too long, didn't have anything there anyway. Sure, they'd offered him trinkets, pictures, but he'd turned it all aside. Now he just had some clothes and books in a seabag.

"Can I help?" Shepard asked from the doorway.

Joker dropped the comic he was holding. It fell open and magazine clippings fell and fluttered across the floor. "Shit!"

"…where'd you get these?" Shepard asked. He stepped forward and kneeled down on the ground.

"Shit, shit…nowhere. Nothing – I mean, it's nothing!"

Shepard looked up at him and then back at the magazine article. A picture of Kaidan, Garrus and himself headlined next to Emily Wong's byline. 'Saviour of the Citadel' was emblazoned in bright red text and there was an Alliance recruitment ad in the bottom corner. Subtle.

"It sounds stupid now. Though I guess it was stupid at the time." Joker slowly lowered himself to the ground and swept up the magazine clippings into a pile. "I used to collect these. When you…" He gritted his teeth and placed his hand over the smiling image of Commander Shepard. "When you were gone, the pictures of you? These articles? It's all I had. I told you that."

"But why do you still have them now?"

Joker narrowed his eyes. He moved his hand and looked at the stack of articles. Why _did_ he have these still? "I—I don't know."

Shepard ran his fingers along the back of Joker's hand and slid the pile of articles away from him. "Even if this is all the time we've got together, I don't regret it," he said. "I don't regret shoving you into that shuttle. I wish we'd had that time together but I wouldn't change what we have now."

Joker stared at the pieces of paper. He would probably always blame himself for Shepard's death in some small way but they had now, however short that might be. "Get rid of them. I have the real thing, don't I?"

Shepard took the articles. He cast precursory glances over each one before balling them up and throwing them on the table. He had no use for articles about himself – he didn't need physical records of what he'd done and gone through. He picked up the comic and flipped it closed as he stood. "Blasto?"

Joker snatched it back. "Hey, Blasto is awesome. No bagging the jellyfish. He's a much better Spectre than you are."

Shepard held up his hands. "Didn't say a word about the big, stupid jellyfish. …though I'm way more badass."

Joker hit him with the comic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me six and a half hours to post all of this and hopefully iron out any errors. I didn't need to sleep...right? Ugh O.o 
> 
> New chapter is in the works. I just didn't think it would take so long to post all of this!


	34. Complicated Uncomplicated Man

Omega.

Still a shithole.

Kasumi sat next to him at the diner counter. She was swaying her legs back and forth under her seat and sipping a soda through a straw. Next to her Tali was flipping through a magazine on her Omni-tool, occasionally showing Kasumi the best pages or asking her questions about makeup or perfume and what they felt like, or smelled like, or tasted like.

Turned out Kasumi did know what perfume tasted like. 'Not good' was apparently the answer.

Shepard sighed. He should have seen what Garrus was up to. Or Jack. Jack would have come out...

"I've gotta go," he said and slipped off the bar stool.

"Really, Shep? Or are we boring you?" Kasumi asked.

He smirked. "Honestly bored out of my mind. But I really should get back to the ship." He picked up his bag from the ground - this was the last time they would be doing any shopping and he had taken the opportunity.

It was also the last time some of them might see Omega...or worse. He waved to Kasumi and Tali and headed back to the docking bay.

He'd given the crew - the whole crew - the choice. Leave now or you were in for the long haul. He had no idea what was going to happen on the derelict Reaper, or what would happen on the other side of the Omega 4 Relay and he wouldn't force anyone to follow him. Anyone who wanted to leave could leave with no shame or guilt and no questions asked.

He'd know by tonight.

The _Normandy_ would be leaving in - he checked his Omni-tool as he walked - two hours.

In his mind he knew who would return. He knew who he would be storming the Collector Base with. But there were still unknowns. Those he couldn't help, those who still held their grudges and anger, their sadness and pain. And who was he to tell them to leave it behind?

He still had his own. He would never be able to forget what happened on Mindoir. In his dreams he would always see his mother and father covered in blood, would wake to the smell of burning houses and fields. He would never forget Akuze. Seeing his squad die and feeling utterly helpless - again! - to do anything. More dreams that would wake him in the middle of the night breathing hard and hearing the ringing in his ears.

He hit the panel outside the _Normandy's_ airlock a lot harder than necessary. His fingers tingled. This wasn't just his fight, but he wouldn't force anyone to join it.

Shepard waited patiently for the decon cycle. Miranda was waiting on the other side.

"Commander..."

"Hey, Miranda. You not going out? Last chance."

"I don't really feel the need to get so drunk I throw up in an alleyway...but thank you. The crew appreciates the downtime."

"You wouldn't let them have it?"

Miranda smiled. "No, I wouldn't. It's an inefficient use of time better spent working. But that's why you're the commanding officer. The crew don't take to me as well."

She followed him across the CIC and smiled as she noticed him turn his head and look towards the cockpit. "EDI insisted he get some sleep."

"And he actually listened?"

Miranda chuckled. "Apparently it was a difficult argument. But EDI is a fast learner."

"I merely stated that based on previous data his efficiency and accuracy seemed to deteriorate due to prolonged sleep deprivation and that he had currently been at his console for 13.5 hours."

"How very nice of you, EDI," Shepard said. "It almost sounds like you care."

"What I experience could not be called 'caring', Commander. However it is in my best interests and the best interests of the crew that all staff operates at peak efficiency."

"And the creepy AI still doesn't bother you?" Shepard asked Miranda.

She gave him a look, one perfect eyebrow raised as she folded her arms.

"Alright...it's just me then. You can't really blame me, though."

Miranda shook her head. "I'm just going to pretend you're not speaking. Did you read my report on the final ship upgrades?"

He gave her a blank look. Vaguely he remembered one of the dozen reports she sent maybe being something about ship upgrades. Honestly, he had being paying attention, then Jeff started laughing next to him on the couch and...hmm...he probably shouldn't tell Miranda what happened instead of reading her reports. He doubted she would appreciate it.

"You're smiling."

"What...?"

Miranda sighed. "I'm not even going to ask what happened because I'm sure I can imagine." She pinched the bridge of her nose. "I've got it handled."

"I know. And that's why I don't worry." He gestured her into the elevator and pressed the console for the Crew Deck. "I'm not really sure how I would do this without you."

"Probably badly."

He laughed. "That's fair...and mean." He leant against the wall, feeling the familiar crunch of armour as it settled in place. "Before I became a Spectre I'd only just become XO for the _Normandy_. I'm a Marine, not a logistics officer. I'm bad at reports and plans and data. Hell, even Jeff would make a better XO than I ever would."

"If the job ever comes up I'll make sure I offer it to him. Though I'm not sure either of you would ever get anything done."

"We'd get lots done. He beat me fair and square in a game of Poker the other night."

"Hm. Productive."

"I did find those FBA couplings the kids in engineering were looking for."

Miranda followed him out of the elevator and nodded to two of the crew members passing towards their quarters.

"Shepard... Tris." She placed her hand on his arm as they walked. It was just a small slice of contact but they both smiled. "There's nothing wrong with you just the way you are...despite how I complain about not getting reports back, or your spelling mistakes-"

"You wanted the report back on time."

"I'm sure Kelly won't complain about how you spell her name, either."

He waved his hand at her as he helped himself to coffee, placing his bag on the floor. "I know I'm not the best CO... Definitely not the best XO..."

"Maybe not. But we need you. I'm only here to make up for your few failings. If that means I spend my time writing reports and running numbers...well..."

"Hey, Miranda..." Shepard paused and took a sip of his coffee. He and Miranda had their moments - they hadn't started out on the best foot. They didn't continue on the best anything. But now...honestly, he didn't know what he would do without Miranda. She was more than just an excellent XO or a good friend. Different to Tali or Garrus or Liara. "Look, if all of this goes pear shaped and I don't..."

"Shepard, wait—"

He held up his hand. "This is important." He looked around the crew deck. It was empty, most everyone either on Omega or working skeleton shifts around the ship. "I already spoke to Jeff...and I spoke to Garrus..." He sighed. "You know better than anyone that we may be forced to leave people behind. You may have to leave _me_ behind. If that happens then you will need to carry on. The Reapers will still be out there."

"Shepard, we're not leaving you behind!"

"You may have to! I know you think you can't do this without me...but you can. So if I don't come back you need to carry on. Take the Normandy and go. Get help wherever you can - the Alliance, Cerberus, whoever. Make it work."

"Shepard, you make this work because people want to follow you. You give people hope."

"You won't be alone, Miri," he said. He knew she couldn't believe it but he knew that he was just a man. A man with fears and failings no more important or special than anyone else. If everyone believed in themselves half as much as they believed in him the damn Reapers wouldn't stand a chance. "Just try, okay? You're a strong, smart, amazing woman. And if I'm not here, you can all carry on without me. And I know you'll win."

"I brought you back once."

He placed his coffee mug on the bench and stared at it, watching the steam curl upwards towards the vents. "I know. And I'm asking you not to do it again."

Once was enough. Once was too much. People weren't supposed to come back from the dead. And while he could admit that some good, in small and almost entirely selfish ways, had come from his resurrection, he didn't want to go through that again. He didn't want the people he loved to go through that again.

"Humans aren't meant to play at being God. It's our frailties, our mortality, that keeps us strong and fast. Stupid and reckless and damn good at what we do. If we could live forever I don't think we would live at all." He picked up his bag and his mug, not giving him any free hands to touch her shoulder or shaking hand on the bench. "Please, Miri. Just do that for me...now that you know me." And he left her with that.

He didn't head back to his cabin. Everyone on board deserved his attention and he wanted to make sure those aboard really wanted to be there. He wasn't ready to let Cerberus bully anyone into duty or false loyalty.

So he started at the bottom. Theoretically, anyway.

"Commander!" Ken and Gabby snapped simultaneous salutes, which he sloppily returned as he tried not to spill his coffee.

"Sorry... I came to see how you were doing. You didn't go ashore?"

"No, we really wanted to make sure the engines were up to scratch. Don't want any surprises around a Reaper, y'know?" Gabby said.

"And those couplings?"

"Working out just great. Saves us a lot of time. Can't believe you found a set."

"I might be no good at filing reports but when it comes to scavenger hunts, I'm your man."

Gabby covered her mouth and tried to turn a laugh into a cough. "It's alright, Commander. I hear Flight Lieutenant Moreau writes excellent reports. EDI always uses his as an example when correcting ours."

"You mean when correcting mine," Ken groused. He leaned back against his console and stared accusingly at EDI's platform. "She never corrects your work. It's always me."

Shepard smirked. "Joker will be interested to hear that. He's convinced EDI just picks on his work."

"Nah. If EDI wasn't an AI I'd say she had a wee bit of a crush on your pilot."

Shepard looked over his shoulder. "EDI? Do I have to stake my claim here?"

"Shepard, I am incapable of forming a 'crush' on anyone," EDI said. The pale blue orb flashed up on the holographic podium. "I am not capable of emotions in that way. However, large portions of my runtimes have been engaged in conversations with and analysis of Mr Moreau. I find his work to be more than satisfactory in many aspects and he indulges my questions and facilitates learning and processing."

"Sounds like a crush to me," Gabby said.

Shepard almost had to agree. Almost. He wasn't sure what EDI _was_ \- she certainly liked to blur the lines of sentience - but he knew for a fact that she wasn't capable of human emotions, especially something as complex as love (Like? Lust? Companionable friendship? What would it even be?).

"Eh, Commander, you should stay and have a couple drinks. How about a quick game of cards?" Ken asked. "Gabby 'n I have finished up here for the night. We were going to ask Tali-"

"You sure you want to ask her to play cards? Sitting? Where you _can't_ stare at her arse?" Gabby asked.

Shepard tried to hide his grin. Sounded like a touch of jealousy there. "Sure. A couple hands and a beer. It'll give everyone a chance to head back." Those that were heading back.

A little over an hour later he wished he could say that he let them win.

But at least he was leaving with his clothes.

Tali giggled at him as they headed back to Engineering. "I didn't know you were quite so bad at cards, Shepard. I'm glad I came back to witness it."

"Oh yeah," Garrus said. "Didn't I ever tell you about the time he lost everything but his underwear to Ashley?"

"Whoa there, Garrus. No need to share that one."

"Darn. It really is one of the best moments in Shepard history, though. I know...I'll sell the story. Make loads."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "No one wants to hear how the Hero of the Citadel almost lost his pants in a game of poker."

"I want to hear..." Tali said in a small voice and raised her hand.

"Just pretend I never said a thing," Garrus said but leant closer and added, "I'll tell you later."

Shepard stared up at the engine core. He listened to the hum, the background music to life on a ship. "I need to ask you both something..."

"What is it, Shepard?" Tali asked. She looked up at him and he didn't need to see her face to understand her expression or her emotion.

He turned to face them. "You have both been with me from the beginning. We took down Saren, fought Sovereign...you both know the Collectors aren't the end of this war."

"The Reapers..." Tali said.

"It does feel like this battle with the Collectors is somewhat of a diversion," Garrus said. "Just keeping us from getting comfortable."

He nodded. "I don't need to convince either of you about the Reapers. But we have to convince the rest of the galaxy. I trust you both. We'll do what needs to be done."

Garrus nodded to him. He'd already shared his fears with Garrus, explained what would happen if he didn't make it back. Hell, he'd asked the turian to look after his damn hamster. But Tali was different. Sweet and strong with such a big heart. He didn't want to hurt her.

"Look out for each other...if you need to. Look out for each other and make sure the Reapers _pay_."

Tali took his hand and stepped closer. Shepard put his arm around her and drew her in close. "It'll be alright," he said. "I trust both of you."

He left them together. Garrus touched his shoulder as he left and Shepard knew he would look after Tali. They had each other - they'd always had each other, all of them. They were there from the Citadel, before he was a Spectre, before they all knew what Reapers even were.

* * *

It was hard to talk to Grunt and Zaeed. He actually found them together in the trash compactor room. Zaeed was recounting a fight from his Blue Suns days and Grunt was staring at him in rapt fascination. With Wrex it had been different - Wrex was older, experienced, wise. He had been able to discuss the krogan people, talk about their future like they actually had one. Shepard had enjoyed talking to Wrex. Grunt was a baby. The only think Shepard wanted to do with him was put him in a daycare.

Though he could imagine the calls he'd get when Grunt wrecked up the place and came home crying.

Actually...

No, he was not putting his krogan baby in daycare.

Though, Zaeed was doing a good job of playing Nanny.

He left them to it. He didn't really have much to say to either of them. Zaeed nodded to him and Grunt had pulled his thick lips back in a wide grin before turning back to Zaeed and urged him to continue his tale of bloodshed. They were good for each other. Grunt was full of new enthusiasm and undirected anger, while Zaeed had been there and maybe learned from the experience. He could pass on that information to Grunt. One day, Grunt could be a leader, maybe take over from Wrex, but he had a lot to learn before that happened. But neither of them was leaving. They were taking this through to the end.

He found that the majority of the crew seemed to feel the same way. As the deadline ticked closer more of the crew wended their way back to the _Normandy_ ; none were drunk but most had that look of quiet melancholy that came from a night with a few beers and deep conversation. He exchanged pleasant words with the crew that he didn't know all that well but seemed to like him just fine. They patted him on the arm or back, gave friendly handshakes, or offered prim salutes in the case of ex-Alliance. It was unexpected but welcome.

Though he wouldn't honestly be able to say whether he was missing any of the crew without checking a duty roster. He just didn't know them that well.

"Shepard..."

He looked back over his shoulder and saw Thane standing in the entrance to his temporary quarters.

"Can I do something for you, Thane?" he asked. He felt his stomach drop. He and Thane hadn't spoken much. Not since the incident with his son. What had there been to say? He couldn't help Thane, couldn't change what had happened, and the drell had nothing to say to him afterwards. You couldn't force friendship or loyalty.

"I wanted to ask how you were feeling about the mission," Thane said. He gestured into his room and stepped aside.

Shepard hesitated. He wasn't great at making conversation with those he didn't have much in common with and was even worse at forcing conversation with someone who he had negative history with, and he and Thane had some negative history.

He sat in the chair in front of Thane's desk and nervously tangled the handle of his plastic bag around his fingers. He really should have stopped by his room and changed, too. Though he had a feeling that if he went up there he wouldn't be coming back down. He could imagine Jeff's fingers winding through his hair and tracing the scars on his shoulders and back... Shepard rubbed his forehead and looked at Thane.

"You have appeared stressed during missions," Thane said. "Is there anything I can do?"

Shepard held back a laugh. "No...I'm afraid not. But I wanted to ask you the same thing."

Thane clasped his hands in front of him on the desk. "No... I have been spending time with the Justicar, Samara. She has helped me. We have both lost much."

The sick feeling in his stomach doubled. He hadn't been able to help Thane and he had lost his son. He had helped Samara and she had still lost her daughter. Help, don't help...same outcome.

"I know you said that Kolyat is lost but...maybe after this is all over you can try contact him. I can ask Bailey to give us a hand. Don't give up on him, Thane. Maybe he just needs you to reach out to him."

"I can remember each moment with my son in excruciating detail. I can see each time I failed him. Drell have perfect memories."

"I'd rather not live like that. I can see my own failures clear enough without remembering every last detail or reliving the moment like I was there."

"Is it not better to relive a good memory? If you are alone staring at walls of steel and plastic?"

Shepard folded his arms, the bag settled on his lap. He'd spent so much of his own life analyzing things he had done. If he had acted quicker, could he have saved another life? Would he have changed things by acting differently?

But it didn't matter. He couldn't change things that had already happened, just deal with the aftermath.

This was an aftermath to a decision, to a situation, to actions that he had been responsible for.

"Memories are just memories. They don't actually keep you warm at night or make you feel better when you're hurting. You need people for that. You've spent your whole life alone, Thane."

"I did what had to be done. Work fulfilled me."

"And now you're alone. But you can still find Kolyat. He's still out there somewhere." Shepard stood and suppressed his guilt just one more time.

Thane stared at the tabletop, his hands still clasped in front of him, unmoving. "I have known I was dying for many years. I tried to leave the galaxy better than I found it. But I could not right this wrong…and I cannot be at peace."

Shepard shook his head. He couldn't do any more than what he had done. "I'm sorry, Thane."

He was angry at himself, yes, but he was angry at Thane. He had every opportunity to fix this. But instead he chose defeat. He had options and that was the one he picked.

He left and didn't look back. Stormed out into the hall and let the door slide shut before he put his hand to his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose.

No, he wasn't angry. He was hurt, upset, guilty—

"Commander Shepard."

He inhaled sharply, the air burning as it raced through his constricted throat as he turned.

"I apologize. I have startled you," Samara said.

"Uh, no… No, it's fine. I was just with Thane."

"Yes. I understand. Shepard…would you join me?" Samara asked and gestured towards the observation lounge.

He took a deep breath in and followed her. Both Samara and Thane deserved his attention, deserved to have their thoughts and feelings heard.

He couldn't like everyone. He couldn't always be the perfect friend, the brother, the protector and respected Commander. That's how real life worked.

"Can I help you with anything, Samara?"

She sat down on the ground, her legs crossed. She was the picture of the calm before the storm, that deadly silence that created false security.

"Sit, Shepard. I think it is I who can help you."

He frowned. He dropped his bag on the couch and came to sit next to Samara. The blast screen was down while the _Normandy_ was docked and he found himself staring at metal and plastic.

"Close your eyes, Shepard."

"What? Why?"

Samara smiled at him. "I believe I can help you. You live your life as a torrent of emotions, of thoughts and feelings. Your body is pulled in so many directions, sworn to protect the weak, fight injustice. We are similar in many ways. It has taken me many years to still the crashing waves in my mind."

"Oh, Samara, you're not suggesting-"

"Close your eyes, Shepard."

Shit… He huffed out a long breath. He couldn't sit with his legs crossed, his armor too bulky. But he did close his eyes.

There was no silence. There was noise, buzzing, a feeling of dizziness and disorientation and a sickening weight that settled on his head and shoulders.

"You are the centre of the storm, Commander," Samara said. Her voice was even and calm and it slid through the fog of his thoughts. "You are the pivotal point in which motions are set into action. The calm that rests at the heart of chaos."

He scrunched his eyes closed. This was stupid. It wasn't like he hadn't tried the whole meditation thing before. He had. The Alliance practically forced it on biotic cadets. They had to learn control, discipline. Or they became Vanguards.

He became a Vanguard. He was the storm.

Vanguards had no choice. The raging ocean, the earthquake that broke the ground, the supernova of a dying star. That was how Vanguards lived – on a timer. A timer that ticked faster with each shockwave, each time he threw himself through the corridor of space as he manipulated and stretched his mass effect field. And each time he slammed himself into a krogan, felt his bones shake in his body, he knew he was one step closer to the end.

Vanguards didn't meditate.

"What was on your mind before I called you, Commander?"

"I was angry at Thane," he blurted out.

"Thane has accepted his mortality. And his limitations."

Shepard ground his teeth together.

"His actions…or inactions…are of no concern to you."

He opened his eyes and looked at her. Samara was still the picture of tranquility, her biotic energy subtly displacing matter around her, the bright, brilliant glow circling her body. She didn't look back at him. So he sighed and closed his eyes and tried to make himself comfortable and ignore where his armour was pressing into his thigh and how his toes were tingling. "His _inactions_ ," he snarled the word, that bubble of uncomfortable anger resettling in his stomach, "Are my fault."

"Perhaps."

Shepard could feel his fingers pressing the plates of armour on his thigh, forcing them to dig into his flesh – anything to suppress the rising urge to blow up. He generally had a bottle on his anger, forcing it down and capping it before it could explode but that seemed now to be a futile endeavor.

"But what has happened is in the past and can't be changed. Thane will do what he believes right. You cannot change that. You cannot save everyone."

There was no eruption of his anger, just a strange moment of clarity as the weight settled. Shepard shook his head and then dragged himself to his feet.

"I can't save everyone…but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try." The anger wasn't in his voice. It stayed in that lump in his stomach, burning in his lungs, swirling in his head but fuelled his conviction. He wouldn't – couldn't – sit in a room and meditate, force his feelings down and hide away. His life was meant to be lived on the edge of a knife. "I appreciate your time."

Samara didn't look up when she spoke, "No, it is I who appreciates the time. You have given me many things to think about."

He glanced back just the once before he left.

Life could lead people on such different paths. He could imagine Samara as the honored matriarch, her daughters off making their own stories but returning home to the love and warmth of family. In another life Thane might still have his wife and son, might have been able to protect them from the future he now lived. While Shepard wouldn't change the difficult parts of his life, he knew that also wasn't true for everyone. His experiences had made him who he was and without them he might not be the man he was now: the Commander, the Vanguard, the friend of so many unique and wonderful individuals from across the galaxy. But his life was his own.

So many lives… Lives that he had touched in a multitude of ways. If he hadn't been there, how differently would the lives of others have played out?

He couldn't stop those thoughts as he headed down the hall. There were others to see.

"Commander… To what do I owe the pleasure?" Chakwas asked as the doors to the Med Bay slid open.

"Didn't think you would be up, Doc."

She gave a small shrug. "It is difficult to sleep when you know that so much is in your future. I thought I would stay awake and see to those who might overindulge tonight. Were you after something for a headache?"

"No, nothing so bad. I uh…" He crossed the room to let the doors close behind him. "You sent me a message?"

"Yes…about your scarring. Dr Solus and I believe we might have a solution for you."

Tris touched his free hand to his cheek. The scars had faded, the angry, open incisions closing and healing. There were still lines across his abdomen, slices along his arms, and the feint web of scarring on his cheek, but the worst had healed.

"Unless you've changed your mind."

That was the thing…he didn't know. Now that he was used to the scars – the _faded_ scars – they didn't bother him like they had when he awoke in the Cerberus lab. They were a part of him now, like any mole or birthmark or the scars he had earned all by himself. "Let me think about it," he said. "Sounds weird…doesn't it? To become attached to them."

"Not at all, Commander. Scars are often a physical representation of the lives we have led. I have a scar on my arm that I feel quite attached to, really. I gained it when I was just a teenager. It reminds me of the life I led back then."

He leant against one of the medical beds and stared at the bright lights above him for a moment. He'd woken up here too many times. "Doc, do you regret the life you've led?"

"Well…" Chakwas started, the word drawing out into the silence. "I don't believe in regrets, Commander. Our lives are led for a reason. I told you once before; if we meet our end, I will know that it was together and that we were doing our best. No regrets. But I sense that you don't feel the same way about our situation."

He gave a short, sarcastic huff of a laugh in response. "You could say that. I think about the difference I could have made by just doing things a little differently. Small things, inconsequential things a lot of the time. I shouldn't think so much about it."

"Commander, if you had a chance to relive your life, with no pain, no regrets…would you?"

"Everyone experiences pain."

"Yes. And it has made you the man you are today. Embrace it."

He pushed away from the bed and nodded to the Doctor. "Thanks, Doc. I'll think about that Med Bay upgrade. Maybe you could try it out on Garrus, first."

"I heard Garrus is growing quite fond of his scars. He suggested the same of you, Commander. Something about you having trouble picking up ladies?"

* * *

He had a final task. An important one. One he could only trust to a single person. Someone he had a deeper connection with, beyond the shared understanding he had with Zaeed and Grunt, the friendly fist-bump that Jacob had thought was appropriate (and Shepard had felt wildly uncomfortable with), and stronger than the words from a scientist salarian (though he didn't think he would ever forget Mordin singing Gilbert & Sullivan. In fact, it might haunt his dreams).

Kasumi leant back, her hands slipping away from her knees as she rested against the black leather sofa. "I don't know if I can promise that, Shep."

"I need someone to keep an eye on him."

She pressed her thumb to her lower lip as she thought. He couldn't see her eyes, her hood shielding her face in shadows.

"I just... I need to know that someone will understand. That someone will be there for him."

"Isn't Chakwas-"

"It's not the same. You know it's not the same. Kasumi...you've lost someone."

"Shep, I just don't know that I'm the best person to do something like that."

He sat down next to her, careful not to catch his armour on the soft leather. "I know what I'm asking is difficult...and rude. I just..." He rubbed his forehead. "I know what I've told him, and I know what I've told the others, but I can't trust anyone else to understand and be there if that's what happens."

"And if I don't make it back? What happens then?"

"I haven't really put a whole heap of contingency plans in place here, Kasumi."

"Hm." She wrapped her arms back around her knees and they sat in silence.

Shepard stared at the floor, not sure where else he should look.

"You talk like you're going to be the only one who doesn't make it back, Shep."

"Yeah..." He knew that. But he was prepared to go down with the ship...or without it. He would use his last dying breath to make sure everyone made it back to the _Normandy_ and got the hell out. And he wouldn't regret it.

"We want you to come back too, you know. Some of us kind of like you." She nudged his thigh with her toe.

"I'm not keen on dying again," he said. "I'm just trying to be prepared."

"It doesn't suit you."

"Hm." His turn at otherwise silence, unsure of how to answer. He wanted to think optimistically but really...he wasn't that optimistic a person. Realistic, to a fault. He weighed possible options and charged and if it didn't work, well, not surprising. When he over thought, planned and evaluated, things just never seemed to work out how he expected anyway. He quite liked the surprise of something going much better than he expected. Other people were annoyingly optimistic for him - everyone seemed to think he could perform miracles.

One day, if someone decided to catalogue all of his accomplishments, his life would still just be a footnote in the novel that was human existence. And he was fine with that. He'd never even wanted that.

"I love Jeff," he said and saw Kasumi grin, her fingers tightening on her legs. "I know he'll suffer. I know I would. I want you to be there for him, that's all. That's all you have to do."

She nodded. "I can do that. But you're coming back. I know it. Call it intuition. You just have to _want_ to come back."

He leaned forward and clasped his hands together between his knees. It would be easy to give up. Slip up and miss a shot, come out of cover too soon, drop his shields as he charged an enemy and wind up dead. It would be easy to let the Collectors have him, perhaps even bargain for his crew's freedom (if they would listen. Could they listen?). But no...he wanted to come back. And he didn't give up. He wasn't that person. He would do everything he could, give everything he could, until he had nothing left.

He had made that promise to himself.

Don't give up, don't stop, don't wait, just act, go, move. Don't look back and save who you could. Try to save everyone.

He nodded, cementing the idea in his brain. He may not be optimistic about their chances, but he could be realistic. They knew nothing about the Collector base and they had just as much chance of all making it back alive as they did of all dying.

"I'm really happy for you both," Kasumi said. "I know I didn't say it...but I am. Shep, before I met you I was still so lost and you came along like a knight in shining armour. You helped me recover Keiji's memories...and you helped me let him go. But more importantly, you brought me here. I like it here."

He touched his hand to her knee. "I like it here, too. Best place in the galaxy."

"Best place in the universe."

She unwound herself from her spot on the couch and shuffled closer. Shepard let her flop back against him, resting her head in his lap, her hood falling back off her head as she looked up at him.

"You're not like anyone else, Shep."

"So I've been told." He touched his fingers to her forehead and back through her hair.

"I've known Marines before... Soldiers, Adepts... You're not like a Vanguard."

"Oh? Should I tell the Alliance they got it wrong?"

"No...I think you should tell the other Vanguards they got it wrong. I like your way better." She closed her eyes. "Everyone says they're insane. Vanguards get off on death and pain is a reward...but you're not like that. You act with your heart, charge in. The last bastion of hope in a fight, throwing yourself in the way of certain destruction to save those around you. I like your way much better."

"Well, I don't know about pain being a reward, but I'm fairly sure I've messed up the part of my brain that processes it. Still...I prefer other things."

"You don't get all excited about the thought of Joker biting you?"

He shifted uncomfortably and Kasumi laughed.

"What's it like, anyway?" Kasumi asked. "I always wondered about biotics…what it really feels like."

"You've never tried Sand?"

"If it was the same, the Alliance would just drug their soldiers on dust."

"I can hurl a crate across a room or rip something apart on the molecular level. Having that sort of power is incredible and intimidating and horrible."

She took his hand and he flared his biotics around his fingers. He could feel it move through his body, could feel every part of his flesh and blood like he was aware of each individual cell. Kasumi would see pretty blue lights and get a bit of a buzz. But she smiled anyway as the blue glow enveloped her hand.

"The last time I met an Alliance Vanguard…" She shook her head. "I'd never met anyone like him. Insane, passionate, but blind. He saw the world how he wanted to see it. Everyone was a threat. He sought out the rush of pain like others seek out pleasure."

"Mm, I know. I know quite a few of them."

"Then why aren't you like that?"

He shrugged. "I guess I could be. I keep throwing myself into impossible situations. Maybe I do get off on it."

Kasumi looked up at him and she raised her other hand to poke at his cheek. "Nope. Different."

He remembered the first time he’d ever managed to lift something with his biotics; the giddy thrill had washed through him and buzzed all the way to his toes. He’d been so jacked by the end of the day he’d slumped in the shower with his dick in his hand after the best damn orgasm of his life. Biotics were something inside of you, so entwined with every part of your physiology it was impossible to imagine life without them. There had been a time, long ago, where biotics were something mentioned on the news, or something they read about in class, but never something he thought he would wield, but it was almost impossible to remember that life.

He still got that buzz, his skin overly sensitized after a long fight, where a simple touch felt like a mix of pain and indescribable pleasure. But there was the bad side of biotics – the pain of having an amp socket installed, the failed attempts at getting a power to work, the agony of burning an amp beyond capacity. He'd always thought biotics would give him an edge. If he didn't have a weapon he _was_ a weapon. He was trained as one of the deadliest forces in the galaxy but facing down a Thresher Maw with an empty weapon and a damaged amp made a man feel pretty small pretty quick.

He closed his eyes, felt his forehead tense. He had moved past this. He was fine.

"Shep?" Kasumi sat up and he could feel her lean closer, her chest pressing against his arm, her knees near his thigh.

"Sorry. Sorry, it's fine."

"Uh-huh. Fine." She wrapped her arms around his neck and didn't take no for an answer. She wasn't a 'no' kind of woman. "What were you thinking about?"

"Akuze."

He could feel her fingers in his hair and he wished he'd stripped out of his armour long ago. He couldn't feel her against his skin or through thin clothes, just the press of armour which meant she was close to him and those fingers against his scalp as she stroked through his hair.

"You're here. With us. Safe, at least for now. Can't speak about tomorrow but hey, at least the chances of a Thresher Maw on a derelict Reaper are fairly slim. I don't know if that's good or bad, really."

He laughed and wrapped his arms around her and hugged her back. It was comfortable there with Kasumi. The _Normandy_ left port at the designated hour and wheeled out into the stars. The blast screen opened and Kasumi fixed him a drink and he was content just to talk to her. He didn't often get the chance to just talk; talk about nothing and everything with a crew member. Not like before. In the old days aboard the _SR-1_ when he would stay up all night with Liara or Tali, spend his night with Garrus and Kaidan playing cards or cleaning their weapons, or just sitting with Joker in the cockpit. Back then it always seemed like all they had was _time._ Chasing a rogue Spectre across the galaxy with few good leads meant a lot of traipsing around on backwater planets, following rumours from pirate groups and eventually stumbling over the information they needed. They had stumbled into a lot back in those days. Always a step behind the game, catching up, knowing what they had to do was important but with no real idea _how_ important until Virmire.

Where it all changed.

He thanked Kasumi for the drink and told her to get some sleep. He needed the sleep, too. Maybe he was getting old. He felt old, some days. He felt old tonight. Old and bone-weary.

He placed the bag down carefully on his desk. He didn't turn the lights up and tried his best to stay silent. After all, his quarters were no longer just his own.

He smiled fondly at the sleeping figure. "EDI…" he said quietly. "Grab a picture of that, would you?" He gestured to the bed where Jeff had passed out. Maybe he'd tried to stay up, half out of his uniform, his cap thrown haphazardly at the table, but it had gotten the better of him. Now he was lying atop the blankets, his arms curled around Shepard's pillow.

"Would you like me to upload the picture to your console, Shepard?"

"Yeah…I would." He smiled and opted to change out of his armour in the bathroom. Not that Jeff usually woke. He slept like the dead. Probably because he didn't do much of it.

Out of his armour and warm shower later he felt, at least, more human. An old, tired human, but he would take what he could get. "Jeff…" he said and carefully shook the sleeping man's arm. Typically he got absolutely no response.

That was the difference between them, he supposed. Shepard was a soldier. He was trained to be suspicious, cautious. Sleeping was something you did with one eye open and one hand on your weapon. Jeff slept like a civilian, despite being Alliance. He'd never be expected to be battle-ready, never had to change into armour in under a minute and field strip a weapon in under 30. He just was – he skirted the lines of what he should be and what was expected of him.

Shepard pulled back the blankets and gently eased his pillow out of Jeff's arms. With a startled, choked cry Jeff finally looked up.

"Shh…sorry. I didn't want to wake you." Shepard smiled in the darkness. The way that Joker's hair curled, the creases in his cheek from lying against the pillow, the wide-eyed surprise of being woken, it was all something he committed to memory, along with all the other small pieces of this man that he'd been collecting, storing away, in case he ever needed them. Though he preferred the real thing.

Joker scrunched his eyes up and then raised his hand to rub at one. "Wh—What time is it?"

"Hadley just took us out from Omega."

Joker frowned. "He better not be breaking anything."

"I'm sure he's wrecking up the place. Just to spite you." Shepard leant forward and kissed the line of concern on Joker's forehead. "So go back to sleep. Otherwise you're going to be damned tired tomorrow."

It was a psychological comfort thing, more than anything, to pull Joker against him under the covers. He didn't need to extra warmth and his arm tended to go to sleep in whatever position he put it in, but the feeling of another warm body pressed against his and the slight snoring all made a hell of a lot of difference to a soldier who couldn't sleep without waking in a cold sweat most nights when left alone. Like this, he wasn't alone.

Joker wound his fingers through the gaps between Shepard's and pressed their joined hands against his stomach.

Definitely not alone.

"Y'were late coming back," Joker mumbled.

"Sorry. I was talking to Kasumi."

Joker yawned but was seemingly content with that answer at least. "Anything good go on?" he asked.

"Just talking." Shepard pressed a kiss to the back of Joker's neck and ran his thumb over the back of his hand as he returned to sleep.

At least here, pressed against Jeff, their bodies skin to skin, he felt…safe. It was a strange word that tasted funny but it was the right word. Jeff made him feel safe. And he hated that he had to pull him into this. Oh, it's not like he had a choice, after all it was amazing he was actually even letting Hadley take over for the night (though Tris was sure that had something to do with the fact that EDI was watching and with her guidance there wasn't too many drastic ways in which anyone could go wrong), but he still hated it. He had hated leaving the rest of his crew aboard during the battle for the Citadel, had hated that uncomfortable clenching in his stomach every time he saw a ship destroyed and thinking 'was that the _Normandy?'_

He breathed in against Joker's neck and closed his eyes. Here though, he could forget. Forget that tomorrow they would be storming a derelict Reaper, forget the insidious glow of a husk's eyes or the stench of a downed Scion as he tried to push aside the fact that these corpses had once been human.

Once upon a time, a long time ago, he had none of these concerns. He had run through fields barefoot, thrown the football with his dad and devoured books and information eagerly, always hungry for more. A long time ago he had never expected the strange things that happened (a coffee mug flying off a table, a pen that returned to his hand before he could reach for it) could possibly be biotics, because he had never known about the eezo shipments and the accident that had exposed his pregnant mother, and the summer before (the same summer the batarians came, just after his sixteenth birthday) he'd just been sick and never put two and two together (kids didn't know about shipping accidents and illegal smuggling). It had only been after. When the Alliance juggled him back and forth between hospitals and clinics and tried a foster home but they just didn't know what to do with him. He was too _damaged_.

Damaged. The woman (his foster mother, he supposed) had said over vidlink to the Alliance psychiatrist. _"We don't know what to do. We're at our wits end."_

He'd never run, never did anything except what they asked him to do. Maybe that was the problem.

But they doctors came to get him and they took him back to the hospital and the care centre in one of the wards where they said they would look after him. The big hand came down on his shoulder (he had been a particularly scrawny kid at seventeen, not anywhere near a growth spurt, with shaved hair and the scar on his lip that he ran his tongue over, back and forth) and he _pushed_. The energy swam through him and he blacked out.

And when he woke he had a shotgun in his hands. The firing mechanism had jammed as he tried to force one more round through the superheated metal and the whole thing was useless. If he had time, he would have tried to fix it. Would have pulled apart what he could and manufactured a new replacement part with his Omni-tool. But he didn't have time. He slid behind the low wall as the ground shook and he saw Toombs disappear into the churning earth. He screamed out through his wrecked throat but they were all gone and the silence was deafening. The ground settled, debris falling around him and pinging off his armour as he ran with Liara at his side, her hand clasped tight in his. He cast a quick look back at Alenko and Williams, just to make sure they were following. They followed. They followed him to hell, followed him out of hell, the _Normandy_ lifting off and flying into the stars, firing at the huge mass ahead of them, black fingers stretching out towards them as he fell backwards, slamming his head against a beam.

He cradled his head in his hands, blood dripping down his face. He looked up at Wrex who was holding a pistol, Ashley lying in a pool of her own blood that was staining the Virmire beach. He reached out and shook Ashley by the shoulders.

" _Go, Skipper. You know this is the right decision."_

He didn't know. He never knew. He'd chosen Kaidan because… _(Because I felt something for him. Because I couldn't stand life without him. Because I liked him more than I liked Ashley)._

" _You killed her!"_ Kaidan shook him. The blue energy of biotics washed around them as Kaidan shook his shoulders, as hard as he could, and Shepard didn't struggle or fight against him. Just accepted it.

" _Tris! You killed her. Tris. Tris!"_

He blinked through the line of blood that trickled down over his eye, dripping onto the sand (sand? Steel?) below him. He had to blink, realign his vision, his head swimming.

"Tris!"

 _Joker. Joker and Ashley had been… They were…_ _"I'm sorry."_

"Tris!"

He opened his eyes and looked up. Looked straight into Joker's eyes and sucked in a harsh gulp of air as he got his bearings. His cabin; dark except for the soft blue glow of the fish tank. He looked over and saw the school of small orange fish breeze by the glass.

"Shit…warn a guy if you're going to have some crazy bad dream, okay?" Joker said and rested back on his knees.

Shepard ran his tongue over his lips, over the scar. Dream…right, of course. "I'm sorry…" he croaked out, his voice trapped somewhere in his throat.

Joker swatted at his leg and looked away and even in the pale light Shepard could see a bead of sweat on his brow. He reached up and ran his hand up Joker's arm. It still felt surreal, like his body sat separated from what was really happening. His mind was still racing with images (stupid images. Images of stuff that had happened so long ago and had never even happened) and his heart ramped up a notch in his chest, shuddering and clenching before racing away.

"Mm, well…warn me, yeah? And don't give me that 'oh, but how am I supposed to know' bullshit." Joker slid back down into bed. He kissed Shepard's jaw, the corner of his lips, the new scar on the flesh there and the healing scars on his cheek, all while running his fingers into black spikes of hair and holding him close. "What got you all…this?"

Shepard looked over at the clock. Three hours? He'd been sleeping for three hours. "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"What? No. What gave you that idea?"

"If I was having a—" He couldn't bring himself to use the word 'nightmare'. "If I was dreaming, thrashing around, I could hurt you."

Joker snorted. "Not likely. You just curled yourself into a tight ball and pulled all the blankets onto the floor. For someone having a nightmare, you're pretty placid."

Joker wasn't afraid of the word. He wasn't afraid of a lot of things.

Shepard looked at the corner of the blanket still clinging to life on the bed. "Ah. So I didn't…?"

"Not a scratch. Actually, I thought it was weird when you rolled away so I was already awake. Usually you're pretty clingy at night."

Shepard made a small noise in the back of his throat. He didn't really know what it was supposed to mean or express but it just happened as he sat up and reached for the blankets, pulling them back onto the bed. But Joker was there, reaching out his arms again and dragging him closer, pressing more of those small, soft kisses to his neck and chest, one hand nestled against his hip.

"Did I actually say anything about not liking it, Tris? 'Cause I don't think I did. So don't get all tense on me, here. It's just something I've noticed. At night you like to _cuddle_ and it's so freakin' adorable I could do a fairly good impression of a squealing girl." He rested his head against Shepard's chest, tucked just under his chin. "And hey…if it makes you feel better and helps you sleep then I am one hundred percent okay with that. Maybe even one hundred and ten."

He couldn't help the slight twitch of his lips and he ran his fingers into Joker's hair, carding through the soft curls. The cool air seeped into his sweaty skin so he grabbed the blankets and pulled the covers over them both.

It did help. He didn't want to admit how little sleep he had been getting. How little sleep he had survived on in the old days. He'd found himself with Liara or Tali just to give himself an excuse to stay awake, or had fallen asleep in the chair next to Joker's, listening to the hum of the ship as the stars wheeled outside the ship. He was used to little to no sleep, just another thing that sped the dial of his demise. Because sleep was hard and daunting. Sleep was something that ultimately woke him feeling worse than ever, his head racing with images, true, false, it didn't matter, and would keep him up longer the next night in an effort to just keep the memories at bay. Sleep was something you got when you finally passed out.

Now…

His heart rate slowed, the blood that pulsed through his veins no longer feeling as though it may burst them. Joker's leg was draped across his, entwined there, and his fingers ran idle patterns across his bare chest. Whatever he'd been missing before, whatever he'd needed to ease his mind? This was it. Although his mind still jumped at figures in the darkness, memories of things long past, he felt…light? Uncomplicated, maybe. Right here he felt like a man. And ordinary man. No more special than anyone else, with an uncomplicated history, uncomplicated memories and thoughts. Just the warmth of another body and the soft hair under his hand. Maybe it wasn't true, but if he could wake like this, be torn from another nightmare based around his failings and fears, and still feel warm, safe? That wasn't so bad at all.

And he kept that with him as he suited up; clamping down heavy pieces of armour, checking seals and strapping his weapons to his back. He kept that with him as he gave Jeff one last lingering kiss before turning from the _Normandy_ with Miranda and Grunt.

He looked down the line of the Reaper, the lights on his HUD blinking bright across his vision. "Let's get this done," he said and grinned at Miranda as he pulled his Shotgun free, the weight heavy and familiar in his hands. The familiar weight of everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am incredibly busy with university at the moment and have not been in the best... head-space...for writing lately. The next chapter is long. I've perhaps written a third of the content and it's sitting at 7000 words, so please wait and revel later in the fruits of patience!


	35. Alive

The risk. Yeah. Shepard knew the risk. But he also knew he hated husks and he wanted off this damn ship.

_“Hang on, Commander,”_ Joker cut-in over his comms.

There wasn't really time for hang on, but yeah, okay. He saw the _Normandy_ pulling towards them, but he could also hear the husks behind them.

“Shepard!” Miranda yelled and shot at a husk somewhere past his shoulder. Somewhere he didn't look back to see.

“Open the Port side, Joker!”

_“Aye, aye!”_

“Throw it,” Shepard said to Grunt.

There was only momentary confusion as Grunt looked towards the ship from the landing they were stuck on. He hefted the Geth off his shoulder and flung it towards the _Normandy’s_ airlock. Luckily, he was a good shot.

“Go!” Shepard raised his pistol, firing off another burst at the advancing horde. He was going to have nightmares about this, he could see it now. “Miranda, go!”

Grunt leaped over the gap and slammed into the sealed inner doors. Miranda didn't wait for another opportunity. She ran and leaped from the edge as Shepard downed the husk that approached her path. Shit, it was now or never. He turned, ignoring the husks that dragged themselves from the railings, lumbered towards him from all sides now, their eyes and skin glowing – he had to go now otherwise he wasn't making it off this damn Reaper. He jumped and felt his stomach lurch as the sense of _falling_ socked him; falling until he was caught by zero-gee and his momentum propelled him towards the _Normandy_. Miranda shot her hand out and grabbed his arm, pulling him in the last foot and he slammed into her and sent them both crashing against the doors.

“Let’s go,” Grunt said, touching his big hand to his comms to speak to Joker.

_“Is Shepard-”_

“He’s here.”

The outer airlock door slid shut and Shepard felt the pull of gravity kick back in as the decon cycle began. He wanted to take his helmet off, but he waited. Who knew what they had picked up? He poked at the Geth with his boot. _It_ could be carrying anything.

“What do you think it was doing here?” Miranda asked.

“Who knows. Grunt, take it down to the AI Core and we’ll seal it up there for now. Miranda, make sure EDI knows what we’re dealing with just in case it tries anything.”

“Of course, Commander.” She didn't again say what a bad idea bringing a geth aboard was. She had said her piece.

When the inner doors slid open Shepard pulled his helmet off, letting out the breath he was sure he had been holding. He stepped out and let Miranda and Grunt walk away, the Geth slung under Grunt’s arm, hanging limp. He stepped up behind Joker but said nothing – his pilot was working. Though Joker didn't quite see things the same way. His hands worked across his consoles and he didn't turn, but it didn't stop him from clearing his throat.

“Uh, Commander… Geth?”

“Saw that, huh?”

“I see everything you bring onto my ship.”

“Oh, your ship?”

“Alright, alright, _our_ ship. No, but seriously, _geth?_ ”

“I want to know why it was there. Why it…” Saved him? Didn't shoot him in the face? Why it was wearing a piece of N7 armour and knew his name? “It’s a geth on a derelict Reaper. If there is any new alliance going on there, we need to know.”

“Uh-huh.” Joker settled back in his seat as the _Normandy_ broke FTL. “I… Tris, I…” His hand clenched.

“I’m sorry I worried you.”

Joker spun his chair around and looked up at him. “Yeah… Yeah, I know. It doesn't make it easier, though.”

“No, it doesn't. But I keep my promises, Jeff. I’m coming back, remember?”

A small smile spread Joker’s lips. “I know.”

For now, Shepard left it at that. He had to. He had a geth in the AI core and a Reaper IFF to install or…something. Whatever one did with a Reaper IFF. He would give it to Mordin. “Come to the debrief,” Shepard said.

“…why?”

“Because you’re our pilot and you know more about this ship than anyone I know. Even Tali. I want your input.”

Joker looked at him, one eyebrow raised in perfect quizzical question. “Uhh, Commander, I doubt anyone else is going to feel the same way.”

Shepard folded his arms. “Oh really?”

“Uh, yeah really. Not to burst the little bubble you have going here, but people aren't really used to me leaving the bridge yet let alone busting in on a debrief session with the _real_ squad.”

“You've got an hour, soldier,” Shepard said. Joker went to say something else but Tris leaned forward, one hand just above his shoulder on the leather of the chair, and kissed him. Shepard could feel his hair brush against the brim of Joker’s cap and the scratch of Joker’s beard against his skin and he smiled when he pulled back. “One hour, okay?”

“…yeah. Yeah, okay.”

Shepard didn't look back to see what expression Joker was pulling, though he really hoped it was that adorable blank look he got whenever he was coming down from the high of a _really good_ kiss. The slight flush of his cheeks, parted lips… Shepard scrubbed his hand over his face and took a deep breath. A thought to be resumed later. Right now he was taking a shower and getting to that debrief he knew Miranda was probably chafing for. They had their IFF and now had a geth and he didn't know what to do with either of them. Hopefully EDI could work out the IFF, and the geth…well, the geth was almost entirely his problem. He had brought it aboard and he wasn't about to throw it back out through an airlock. He wasn't that guy. He had made a decision and he would deal with the fallout.

Though, these days he didn't have to worry too much about fallback from Cerberus. He knew Miranda still answered to the Illusive Man and he wasn't entirely sure how deep that connection ran but when she questioned him, it wasn't because the Illusive Man was talking in her ear. Whatever Miranda said was generally because she believed it, even if it did sound like Cerberus doctrine. So he wasn't necessary surprised when she told him about the bounty Cerberus had running for a functional geth unit.

“It could be invaluable,” Miranda said. She crossed her arms across her chest.

“Yeah, it could be,” Tris said. He leaned against the desk, staring at the holographic image of the geth they had stored down in the AI Core.

“I have to disagree, Ma’am. I saw enough of these things on Eden Prime. Space it.”

“Gotta say I agree with Jacob,” Joker said. He’d hung back, loitering near the door, obviously feeling uncomfortable, but Shepard knew he wouldn't be able to stay out of the conversation. Though Miranda staring at him like that certainly wasn't going to make him any more at ease with his first little ‘foray’ into a debrief and mission planning session with the Officers.

“I want to start it up. It was on that ship for a reason.”

“Good thing Tali isn't here to hear that,” Garrus said. “Jacob is right. It’s a geth. Get rid of it before we have to waste a sink.”

Shepard ran his thumb over his lower lip. It would be contained. EDI would make sure nothing happened. He frowned. He needed to _know_. This geth had been aboard that Reaper for a reason. It had saved him from an ambush. He wanted to know why that slug hadn't ended up in his brain instead. “It’s my decision. We’re going to start it up…and if it tries anything _then_ we can look at the ‘shoot it’ option.”

Garrus shook his head but he didn't argue further – he knew when to lay off and when the Commander had spoken, that was generally the time.

“So, the IFF?” Shepard asked and pushed away from the bench.

“I have determined how to integrate it with our systems. However, the device _is_ Reaper technology. It is important we test it thoroughly before attempting the Omega 4 Relay. It will take some time to properly integrate,” EDI said. The holographic image changed from the geth to her orb.

“EDI assures me that there isn't anything to worry about, but it’s probably safer if the A Team isn't around in case anything gets, y’know, _indoctrinated_ or whatever,” Joker said. He pulled at his cap and wouldn't meet anyone’s eye. “There's just not really any way we can tell what’ll happen before it _happens_.”

“I’m not leaving my crew alone for something like that to happen,” Shepard said.

Joker looked up and there was silence in the room as the two men stared at each other. Shepard bit at the inside of his cheek to hold back the sudden tirade that forced its way to the tip of his tongue. Stepping out while a new cannon was attached to the ship was one thing, but disappearing with any competent members of his squad while hooking his ship up to Reaper technology? Not that they were _incompetent_ , not that he thought Joker was… He looked away and rubbed his forehead.

“I’ll let you know when the IFF is ready for shakedown,” Miranda said, breaking through the silence. But she and Jacob took that as their cue to leave, heading out the doors past where Joker stood.

“I will have the crew begin work immediately,” EDI said and then her avatar disappeared. She might be an AI, but she certainly wasn't stupid.

“I've got… Uh. Calibrations. See you later, Shepard,” Garrus said and slunk past Joker out the door.

Shepard leaned against the desk again, staring at the image of the _Normandy_ , but said nothing. What could he say? He knew Joker was right. If something went wrong and they were all aboard the ship their entire force would be wiped out in one fell swoop. But if the strike teams were off the ship they would have every opportunity to continue on, even without the _Normandy,_ if it came to that. He could understand that. He knew it was the right thing.

“I could leave Tali—”

“No.”

“Or Garrus. Mordin? Mordin is a scientist, he might be needed—”

“Tris, _no._ You need him. You need Garrus and Tali. They’re not staying. None of you are staying.”

“Then you’re not—”

“Dammit, Shepard!” Joker yelled.

That got his attention. He looked up and across the conference table to where Joker was standing.

“Shepard…” Joker shook his head. “Tris. You told me to come to this stupid debrief because you said I know more about this ship than anyone else. Even Tali, remember? You can’t take me off the _Normandy_ now just because it’s dangerous. I’m a soldier. Even if that sometimes sucks.”

Shepard clenched his hands on the edge of the desk. “Yeah. Yeah, it sucks.” This is what he hated. This was what he never wanted. He didn't want to make this decision, _ever_. How could he bring himself to step off the ship knowing that he was placing Jeff in the direct line of danger? Just like the Citadel all over again. Except now he was _so_ invested. “If something goes wrong...?”

“Not all of the guys on board are completely hopeless. I hear that some of them can even shoot straight. It’ll be fine. It’ll probably be so boring I’ll be begging for something cool to happen.”

“Sure, _cool_.”

Joker walked around the table and stopped next to Shepard, placing his hand on his shoulder. Shepard closed his eyes as Joker ran his hand over his chest and forced him to turn to face him.

“Tris, every time you leave the ship for a mission this is how I feel. ‘Cause there’s nothing I can do to help and I have to watch you leave thinking that I might never see you again. _That_ sucks. Now you know how it feels.” Joker reached up, his fingers touching the back of Shepard’s neck and the soft hair there at his nape and then dragged him down to meet him.

Shepard groaned and he wished it was due to something other than stifled emotions. He wrapped his arms around Joker and forced him against the desk, holding him there between the hard edge and his hips and if he couldn't speak then he was sure his feelings were evident from the force and utter desperation of his kiss. Because that he couldn't hide or help.

* * *

“Ten-Hut!” The soldier standing guard snapped a sharp salute and Shepard shook his head.

“At ease.” Had he even seen this guy before? Huh, he should really pay a little more attention to the crew. Of course, he’d been saying that for months now and had never gotten around to it and he _really_ wasn't a ‘name to a face’ sort of guy.

“You still sure about this, Shepard?” Garrus asked, and his hands tightened on his weapon. “There’s still time for that date with the airlock.”

“Can't get past stupid curiosity, Garrus.” He stepped forward, standing just at the edge of the energy field surrounding the geth. He bit at his lower lip as he considered it lying there. It looked pretty banged up, scratched and dented and the huge hole only partially covered by the piece of N7 armour. Maybe it wouldn't even turn back on.

“I have isolated our systems and erected further firewalls,” EDI said. “I am prepared to resist any hacking attempt.”

“Good to know. Garrus?”

“If you’re sure.” Garrus nodded to the guard before holstering his own weapon so that he could access his Omni-tool. “You didn't speak to Tali first.”

“No. If we do end up throwing this thing out the airlock, it will kind of be a moot point. Didn't really think it was worth opening that can of worms unless we need to.”

“She already knows it’s aboard. Why wait?”

He had to admit this whole geth thing hadn't exactly come at a good time. They had only recently gone to the Flotilla and retaken the _Alarei_ , and Tali had only had a short amount of time to come to grips with her father’s death, and now he was about to have a conversation with a geth. Well…maybe.

“Better sooner than later, Shepard.”

“I was hoping you might test the waters…”

“Oh no. This is your mess.” Garrus looked up from his Omni-tool. “Wait.”

The geth twitched as another shock ran through its body. The three-fingered hand jolted and then moved as the single optical light flared.

“What would you do without me?” Garrus asked. His smug grin didn't stop him from also drawing his weapon, though.

The geth flared the plates around its central light, as though it was adjusting to the dim of the room. And then there was that _sound_.

Shepard took a step back, and then a couple more as the geth stood, the chatter of its processors filling the room, echoing off the walls. Shepard winced. He wasn't sure why. The geth looked at him, its head slightly cocked, _appraising_ him.

“Can you understand me?” Shepard asked.

There was a moment before, “Yes.”

Well, that was a start. It understood him and it could speak. “You said my name aboard the Reaper. Do you know me?”

Garrus looked at him quizzically and Shepard shrugged it off. One problem at a time.

“We know of you. We have never met.”

“I’ve fought a lot of geth. Garrus and I…we killed a lot of geth.”

“We have never met you. Shepard-Commander. Human. Alliance. Fought Heretics. Killed by Collectors.”

“Hm. Thanks for the reminder.” Shepard folded his arms. “I don’t understand. Geth share information. You must have information about me…about Garrus, Tali? The geth would remember us shooting _a lot_ of you.”

“Geth build our own future. The Heretics ask the Old Machines to give them the future. They are no longer part of us.”

“Are we sure it’s running properly?” Garrus asked in a low voice. “It could be damaged.”

“We are operating correctly.” The geth flared the plates around its optic light. Almost…surprised. “We located Shepard-Commander aboard the Old Machine.”

“The Reaper?”

“Reaper. A superstitious title originating with the Protheans. We call these entities the Old Machines. We were studying the Old Machines hardware to protect our future.”

Shepard blinked, hard, trying to ease the burgeoning pain of a headache behind his eyes. Couldn't anyone just give him a straight answer without the cryptic jumble? “So the Reapers are attacking geth, too? That doesn't make sense. The Reapers want to wipe out all organic life – I've never heard about them coming after our calculators.”

Garrus sniggered.

“We are different from them. Outside their plans.” The geth regarded Garrus for a moment, studying him. “We oppose the Heretics. We oppose the Old Machines.”

“Okay, wait. Heretics? You said that before. Are you saying there’s two species of geth?”

“No. The Heretics are no longer part of us.”

Shepard sighed. He was getting nowhere with this. Maybe it was a conversation for another time. “So what do you want with me?”

“Shepard-Commander opposes the Old Machines. Shepard-Commander opposes the Heretics. Cooperation furthers mutual goals.”

Shepard looked back at Garrus for a moment. Garrus just shrugged. “Wait, so you… Are you asking to join us?”

“Yes.”

He rubbed his head and down his neck, pressing at his amp and feeling the familiar tingle through his hand. Grounding. “Drop the field, Garrus.”

“I don’t like this,” Garrus said but complied with the request.

“Alright…geth. What should we call you?”

“Geth.”

“Uh. No, you. I mean you; this form. You have to have a name.”

“We are all geth. There is no individual. There are currently 1,183 programs active within this platform.”

“My name is Legion; for we are many,” EDI piped in, her holographic orb appearing in the AI Core. It was a little disconcerting. Shepard hadn't really thought about how they were, right now, kind of _in_ EDI.

“Christian Bible. The Gospel of Mark, chapter five, verse nine. We acknowledge this is an appropriate metaphor. We are Legion, a terminal of the geth. We will integrate into _Normandy_.”

Shepard took a deep breath. Great. So, now he had a geth. A geth, on his ship, on his squad. A geth that didn't want to kill him in some horrible and horrific way. A geth called Legion. He held out his hand. A gesture – he could shake the geth’s hand and welcome it aboard. Legion looked at him and the metal plates around its ‘eye’ flared again, like it was…feeling. It looked at Shepard’s hand and reached out its own and they shook on it. A deal made. Now how was he going to explain this one to Tali?

He couldn't drag it out. Tali needed to hear it from him, not through the grapevine. He owed her that. But it didn't make it any easier. He left Legion under guard and had EDI watch him, just in case. He didn't think the geth was lying, but he also didn't quite trust it. Trust had to be earned, especially from a geth.

He took a deep breath outside of Engineering.

"Tali? Can we talk?" he asked once the doors slid open.

Tali looked over her shoulder but didn't turn to face him. She looked back at her console and Shepard felt his confidence fail, dropping somewhere in his stomach.

"I spoke with it."

"I want you to get rid of it, Shepard." Tali's hands froze above her console.

Gabby and Ken nodded to him from across the room and then beat a hasty retreat out the door behind them. Apparently their presence was the only thing stopping Tali and keeping her in check. She turned on him and Tris didn't need to see her face to understand her anger.

"How could you bring a geth aboard? A geth! After all we have been through together, Shepard, I never thought... Never..."

"Tals...please try to trust me on this. I--" He clamped his mouth shut, biting on his tongue. Would he just sound stupid if he explained it to her? He'd brought an active geth aboard, let it integrate into the _Normandy_ and for what? To satisfy his own curiosity. "It was looking for me. I need to know why."

Tali wrung her hands together and turned, placing her shoulder and hip and side of her body between them, a barrier where there was none. "It's a g _eth._ No good can come of this. It could be gathering information and sending it back as we speak. They could be gathering information on humanity, they could be looking for more information on the Flotilla!"

"I wouldn't let that happen. EDI is keeping a close eye on its workings."

"Currently Legion is accessing only the information we have gathered on the Reapers. It seems unconcerned with information regarding the Quarian Fleet," EDI said.

"Legion? You _named_ it?"

"It's not a dog, Tali. It...ah...agreed on a name. We couldn't call it 'geth'."

"We shouldn't be calling it anything."

"It says we have a common goal. The Reapers apparently want to wipe out the Geth, too. Don't ask me why but Legion suggested it join us. I've agreed, hence the name. But I swear, Tali, first sign of anything dodgy and it gets sealed up again."

"And what if that's too late?"

The thought had crossed his mind. What if the geth had developed far enough that they could lie? It wasn't outside of the realms of possibility. He might find himself on a mission with Legion, turn around, and get shot right between the eyes. But in these sorts of situations he usually trusted his gut. Yeah, Legion was a geth, but when he looked at it, watched it... He sighed. "Tali, when I get a feeling like this, I've got to trust it. Just give this a chance. I'm not asking you to be its friend, I'm not even asking you to speak to it. What I'm asking is for you to trust me."

Tali tapped her fingers against her suit fabric, arms folded across her chest. "You ask that an awful lot, Shepard."

"It's the hallmark of my bargaining technique. It's why it's so important I stay trustworthy and can't go around punching reporters. No matter how much I want to."

Tali giggled. "Some of them do deserve it."

"So...you trust me?"

"Of course I do. Doesn't mean I can't sometimes question your decisions."

"Of course. Someone needs to tell me when I'm being daft."

"Oh really?" Tali asked. "Then who gets to tell you when you're acting like a love struck boshtet, or drooling into your cereal, or when your clothes don't match? Or the other night when you had green stuff stuck in your teeth?"

Shepard rubbed the back of his neck and laughed. "Ah, well, that would generally be Joker...or Kasumi."

"I believe Garrus pointed out the spinach."

"He asked if I had decided to snack on the local vegetation on the last planet we visited."

"It was pretty large."

They both laughed and Shepard's Omni-tool lit up with a message. He looked it up - Legion. Well, at least it was getting the hang of their communications. "So...you can live with this?"

"I don't think you're giving me much of a choice. But yes, I can. Just don't let it give me a reason to regret saying that, Shepard."

He grinned and stepped forward to slide his arms around Tali's shoulders and bring her against him. She stepped forward to meet him, her arms pressed between their bodies and she rested her head forward, her opaque faceplate touching his shoulder, the intimacy of being without a suit remembered if not currently real. Shepard placed a kiss to the top of her head against the material there and it didn't matter that Tali couldn't feel it, not really, because they both knew it happened.

Shepard returned to the AI Core and to Legion. The geth was in the same place Shepard left him. Garrus was standing guard outside but with a nod of his head, Shepard dismissed him. He had his pistol on his thigh and there was a good chance EDI would lock the geth down before it could do any damage.

“I've gotta ask…what’s with the N7 armor? Where’d you get it anyway? They don’t just hand it out to anyone – though I hear you can buy pretty good replicas these days.”

Legion’s hood flared and twitched, as though he was thinking. Or he didn't want to answer. It took a moment and Legion looked away before saying, “It was yours. When you disappeared, we were sent to find you.”

“You've been looking for two years? That’s pretty dedicated.”

“Organic transmissions claimed your death. We recovered this debris from your hardsuit.”

“But of all things why use _my_ armor to fix your hole?” Shepard asked, waving at the rather substantial hole in Legion’s frame.

“…there was a hole.”

“A hole.”

Legion was silent.

“Uh-huh… So what can I do for you, Legion?”

“We have completed our analysis of the Data Core. We were sent to the Old Machine to preserve the geth’s future. They were developing a weapon to use against the geth – you would call it a ‘virus’. It is stored on a Data Core provided by Sovereign. Over time…the virus will change us. Make us think that worshiping the Old Machines is correct.”

“Ah. And that’s not what you want,” Shepard said. He leaned against the wall and folded his arms. There was a story here, he could sense it.

“The heretics stored the virus in a quantum storage core. To find and destroy the virus we needed to understand its code and construct. This virus installs a subtle change into our runtimes, the equivalent of your nervous system. This changes the result of all future decisions. We are networked and most would change within a day.”

“So if this virus was implemented it would give all geth the heretics logic. Change you to their thinking. And then you’d go to war with all organics. Perfect. Do you know where to find this virus?”

“Yes. We will provide coordinates. The Normandy’s stealth systems are necessary to approach the Heretic Station.”

“Just perfect.”

* * *

Shepard wasn't really expecting all of this. A divide between geth and Heretics and Old Machines when he thought he just had problems with Collectors. At least for now. The Reapers always seemed to have their tentacles in everything Shepard did.

“You know they could just look out a window, right? I mean, we’re right _here_ ,” Joker said, gesturing wildly at the window.

“Windows are structural weaknesses. Geth do not use them,” Legion said.

Joker couldn't help himself. Which wasn't unusual. He mimicked Legion with stilted, robotic like movements until Shepard smirked and tried to hide his laugh. He squeezed Joker’s shoulder and left his Pilot to do his job and continue to the given coordinates. The _Normandy’s_ heat emissions were completely hidden and if Legion was right about geth not needing windows then they were invisible.

The _Normandy_ pulled towards the Heretic Station, a great, giant metal construct looming before them. Shepard left Joker with another soft touch to his shoulder and met Joker’s eyes for just a moment. Everything that needed to be said was there – be careful, stay safe, and I love you.

“Shepard,” Garrus said and Shepard nodded and followed.

The hallways of the Heretic Station were long, desolate. There were no geth units to be seen. At least for now.

“We have infiltrated their wireless network. We will not be detected.”

Shepard made to follow Garrus but it was Legion who stopped him.

“Shepard-Commander. We concluded that the destruction of this station was the only resolution to the Heretic question. There is now a second option. Their virus can be re-purposed. If released into the station the Heretics here will be rewritten to accept our truth.”

“That sounds dangerously close to indoctrination,” Garrus said. He looked over his shoulder and at Shepard through his helmet. “Unless there’s something I’m missing.”

It made Shepard pause. If he released the virus back into this station he would rewrite these geth – Heretics – and remove them as a threat. But Garrus was right; it was dangerously close to what Sovereign had done. Indoctrination. The thought made his stomach churn. To lose himself in that way, well, he just couldn't imagine.

But these were geth. It was just changing a computer program.

Right?

“Let’s just go. We can decide later.”

Legion did as asked and they continued through the station. When they did locate the geth they were attached to…hubs, of some kind.

“The Heretics are linking to the main system. They are sharing information. We are many eyes looking at the same thing. One platform may look at the same situation from a different perspective and make a different decision based on that information.”

“But there’s no ‘you’.”

“No. To be disconnected from the mainframe… It is quiet.”

It was hard to understand. The geth were not like organic races. They were more like ants. Or bees. If he had to compare. They worked together, shared information and treated it as their own. They had no individuality, no personality, just the collective. How could he treat the geth like anything other than walking computers when they had shown no sense of individuality or persona before? There was nothing to endear the geth to him, in fact, they had done nothing but shoot at him and try to eliminate him.

Except those were the Heretics. Not the geth. The geth… The geth were Legion, were attached to this platform. They had never attacked him.

If he believed all of that.

“We can assume control of any defensive turret,” Legion said as they moved ahead.

“That’s handy,” Garrus said.

They managed to slip down the corridors undetected, continuing past the Heretics connected to the hubs. It was though they were sleeping, heads bowed and lights out. Shepard shook his head. It was too easy to compare the geth to organics. They seemed so similar; looked and moved like organics and showed themselves to be such a close copy of their creators. It was confusing – it made it all the more confusing.

The alarms blared in his ears and Shepard looked down to where his foot had crossed the line. Shit. He was letting himself get too carried away with all this contemplation. Now was not the time! He leapt behind a low wall and Garrus hit the floor next to him. It was Legion who stormed ahead, drawing fire from them so that Shepard and Garrus could easily pick the targets off one by one. They caused few problems, only a handful of Heretic units that had been attached to the hub.

The corridors after were the same. Heretic units that had been connected to their hubs burst into life and attacked. He had hoped they could sneak through the entire station undetected but he had blown that opportunity. The corridors went down, down, through the Station, further away from the hull and safety. If this place went up they would be stuck down here.

“What are those…?” Garrus asked and stopped, leaning against the frame.

It was a window. Shepard almost laughed. No windows indeed. Behind the glass was a huge, glowing hub. Different than those they had destroyed, and no Heretic units. Just…computers.

“This is a database. It contains a portion of the Heretics memories. Wait--!”

Shepard looked at Legion as he accessed the database. The geth’s head moved side to side, hood flaring. Thinking.

“There is information that the Heretics have infiltrated some of our numbers.”

“Wouldn’t they want to spy on you?” Garrus asked. “They’re not really looking to make friends.”

“You do not understand. Organics do not know each other’s minds. Geth do. We are not suspicious. We accept each other. The Heretics wanted to leave. We understood and allowed it to happen. There was peace. How could we have become so different?”

Shepard shrugged. “Geth can learn. The geth have learnt, and the Heretics have learnt. They learnt on their own terms.”

“We no longer understand each other.”

“Welcome to the universe,” Garrus mumbled and they continued on.

Legion stopped him in a large room and stepped up to a console. “We will upload a copy of our runtime into the Core. It will delete all versions of the virus. We can override some of the Station’s internal systems to defend us.”

“That’s what I like to hear,” Shepard said.

The Heretics responded in force. They flooded the room but most were taken down by the large turrets in the middle of the path. The Heretics had prepared themselves for attack and it had turned against them. The rest were picked off by Garrus as Shepard defended the path up to their level. The Heretics barely stood a chance. Garrus, as usual, was a brilliant shot. Shepard kicked one of the geth that had made it up the ramp and knocked him right over the side of the low wall, tumbling down to ground below. The geth exploded, knocking down another and blasting through the shields and stealth pack of another.

Garrus called something over the commlink, some sort of praise from the sound of it, but the crackle was too loud. The last of the Heretics fell and the floor was quiet.

Almost too quiet. This station, with the lack of oxygen and barest of gravity made debris and dust float around them, small pieces of metal they had to swipe aside as they walked.

“Well that was interesting,” Shepard said and returned to Legion.

“Shepard-Commander, it is time to choose. Do we rewrite the Heretics…or delete them?”

“Huh? Why do you want me to choose. This has nothing to do with me. This is to do with the geth.”

“We are conflicted. There is no consensus in our higher runtimes. You have fought the Heretics – you have perspective we lack. The geth would leave this to you.”

Shepard took a step back, making to turn until he felt Garrus’ hand on his arm. No escape from this one. But how could he make that sort of decision? If he rewrote the Heretics it was as good as indoctrinating them, forcing them to feel and believe something that did not come to on their own. Would they not be better destroyed? At least if they were destroyed, they had lived and died free.

If they lived at all. It brought him back to the same question. The same questions that had plagued him all along, since before they had activated the beacon, before Saren and the Reapers had come the geth. And the question of whether they were truly alive. If something could flick a switch in its head from on to off, was it alive?

Shepard grumbled under his breath and sighed heavily. It seemed like the galaxy always wanted his help. Someone always wanted him to make their difficult decisions for them. Shepard would help. Shepard would fix this and that, fix everything.

“You don’t have any issue with wiping them out? I mean, they are basically your people.”

“The Heretics chose a path that is not compatible. Every species has the right to choose its own path.”

“You’re letting them make their decisions and then killing them for it? You can’t have it both ways, Legion,” Garrus said but he gave Shepard another small shove forward. Removing the problem from his shoulders and back onto Shepard’s.

“We choose to defend ourselves.”

“Right, so we've got two choices here. Destroy them, or indoctrinate them with this virus. Both are horrible choices, I hope you know.”

“We cannot coexist.”

“No, I guess you can’t. Do it, then. Blow them up."

Garrus nodded.

Legion turned back to the console. "Recommend withdrawal to the _Normandy_."

The station shuddered and went dark before warning evacuation lights flashed. The corridors were bathed in an eerie orange glow, debris floating above the floors.

“Ah, I think it’s time to get out of here!” Shepard thumped Garrus on the arm and they ran. They didn't have time. Didn't have time for the Heretics that tried to stop them; a last ditch attempt at protecting themselves. In the end it wouldn't matter. The pulse would destroy them along with any other Heretic in the galaxy. Leaving his back open was not a preferred method of confronting an enemy but they just didn't have time.

There was no time.

Shepard grabbed Legion and pulled him around a corner and the Heretics they were fighting were left behind. Left to chase after them, dogging their heels. It didn't matter.

Shepard stumbled around the corner and looked up. “Shit!” He dove to the right, back around the wall as the Geth Prime shot at him and his team.

“You can’t be serious!” Garrus barked.

Again, it was Legion who stepped out and took the full brunt of the Heretics fire. Garrus and Shepard pushed, rifles firing, pushing the Prime back up against the wall. A well-placed shot from Legion’s rifle brought the Prime down, sliding down the wall and to the floor. The light shuttered out and the Prime went dark.

“Let’s get out of here,” Shepard said. They didn't wait any longer and bailed. Joker was waiting. The _Normandy_ was waiting. The _Normandy_ pulled away from the Station and burst into speed and they were gone before the pulse activated on the Station.

It was done.

Legion nodded to Shepard, a strange motion from the geth that Shepard didn't expect. Not that he expected anything from Legion. The geth was breaking everything he thought he knew about the geth. He watched Legion leave and startled when Garrus touched his shoulder.

“I think you made the right decision. They might be machines but I don’t believe anyone should be indoctrinated. If I ever… Well, you do what you have to and bring me down. I don’t want to live like that.”

“Yeah. Thanks, Garrus.”

“No problem.”

Joker waited until Garrus had walked down into the CIC and toward the lifts before spinning his chair to look at Tris. “So…”

“I don’t know, Joker. I mean, how do I even know if I made the right decision? Why was it even my damn decision to make.”

“Because you’re Commander Shepard. For some people, that’s all they need to know.”

“Yeah… Are you off shift soon?”

“Another three hours.”

“Hm. Well, if I’m asleep when you get up then just prod me, okay?”

Joker smiled, smug and happy with himself. After all, who else got to make themselves comfortable with Commander Shepard in his bed? No one, that’s who. He had ever right to be smug. But he wouldn’t wake Tris; he needed his sleep and he needed to relax. Joker would slide into the bed against him and stroke Shepard’s skin and watch him sleep until he felt just as tired. It might be a little weird to watch Tris sleeping but there was something calm about his face when he slept.

A calm that was never there when Shepard was awake.

He rocked his chair back and forth and wasted time through the next hour. He had his eye on their position in case there was any blowback from the whole Heretic issue but it was dreadfully quiet in this part of space. Nothing of note, nothing to mention. He turned his attention inwards to the crew. Okay, so he liked to snoop. Everyone knew already! Kasumi was in her room, seated on the couch and scribbling in a notebook. Samara was meditating, which was not at all surprising; nor was both Jacob and Garrus working on their guns and Zaeed smoking a cigar. Grunt was drawing a picture and when Joker zoomed in it looked like…a shark? He snorted and laughed quietly to himself. Grunt really was just a big baby still. After all he had only just been ‘born’. He probably thought of Shepard as some sort of father figure. Better than Grunt’s actual ‘father’, for sure.

Engineering next and his two favorite engineers were bickering – again. It was like watching a romantic comedy with those two. And usually Tali would be right there, working on wires and cursing to herself.

Tali wasn't there.

Nor was she in the Drive, nor in the Mess Hall.

“EDI, where’s Tali?”

“Tali’Zorah is currently outside the AI Core. I believe she is going to see Legion. There has been some unusual—”

“Shit!” Joker leaned forward and flicked the controls, moving his hands until the camera in the Med Bay centered on Tali, sure enough just outside the AI Core and entering. Great. He sighed and brought up the commlink straight to Shepard.

_“Joker?”_ He sounded tired but hadn't been woken.

“Tali’s just gone to see Legion. I can’t see anything good coming from that.”

_“…shit. Alright. I hope she doesn't blow the lamp outta his head before I can get there.”_

Joker turned his attention back to the cameras. Tali had her handgun drawn on Legion but Legion was not defending himself. Joker flipped the comm switch to the AI Core. "Shepard's on his way! Don't do anything stupid."

Tali flinched and took a step back. The doors opened behind her and she spared a look at Shepard.

_"I caught Legion scanning my Omnitool!"_ Tali said, anger seething into her voice.

_"Creators performed weapons tests on Geth hardware. We believed it important to warn our people of possible aggression,"_ Legion responded.

_"I won't let Legion endanger the Fleet!"_ Tali pressed closer to Legion. Shepard stepped forward and slowly raised his hand to her arm. She didn't turn his gun on him or attempt to stop him lowering her weapon. Shepard clicked the safety and patted Tali's arm.

_"Let's do this without guns, okay?"_ Shepard said.

_"Creator Tali'Zorah acts out of loyalty to her people. We must also protect our people from the Creator threat."_

_"Legion, if your people knew what experiments the Quarians had been running on the Geth, it would lead to a war between your people. Is that what you want? We have bigger threats in the galaxy,"_ Shepard said.

Legion paused. The panels around its optic flared, thinking. _"We believed it necessary to relay information but to facilitate unit cohesion we will not transmit information on creator plans."_

Shepard sighed and Tali visibly relaxed, shoulder slumping as she breathed out.

_"You're both going to have to stop this. A war between the Quarians and the Geth would endanger millions of lives - on both sides."_

_"What if we gave you some non-classified data to send?"_ Tali asked.

_"We would be grateful."_

Joker watched as Tali transmitted the information to Legion via her Omnitool. Shepard waited. It was best not to leave while tensions were still high.

And Joker was left down the line, unable to assist. Always a call away.

* * *

"Hey..."

Shepard took the stairs one at a time, not wanting to intrude but having to do this.

"You didn't leave," he said. "You had the chance."

"Figured if I left I might not come back," Jack said.

Shepard smiled. "That's what I meant."

"Figured maybe I wanted to stay."

Shepard hauled himself onto the crate to sit. It had become his 'spot'.

Jack flopped back on her cot and draped her arm over her eyes. "So, we're doing this thing, huh?"

"Yeah...we are."

"Good. Fucking bugs have it coming. Been itching to unload a few clips into them."

"Are you sure? You've done enough for me to call us even."

She lowered her arm but stared at the lights above her cot. He could see the rise and fall of her chest as she breathed but could only hear the hum of the engine core.

"I'm sure," she said finally. "It's not right. It's one thing to attack mercs and soldiers but you don't touch civilians. There were families...kids... They didn't do anything."

"And if you don't make it back?"

"Yeah...could happen. Plenty of worse ways to go, though."

"Like not doing anything?"

"You're the Boy Scout, not me. ....but yeah. I was thinking of going. Was gonna ditch the minute we hit Omega. Even made plans to get outta there on the next freighter I could find. But that's not me...y'know? Not now. Damn you, Shep."

"I don't think it was ever you, Jack. Circumstance can change what we do, but it doesn't change who we are."

"I told you before, save me the psychobabble. I just want you to get where we stand. I always thought I was alone…y’know? Then you come along and that crazy chic and ugh!” Jack put her hands on her head and scraped her nails against her skin. “This is so strange for me. I thought you would all just leave me alone but you all just kept pushing! What was I supposed to do with that?”

“I dunno. What did you do with that? Because I know Kasumi comes down here. I've seen you heading out to talk to Zaeed. You and Samara? How often have you gone to see her?”

“Yeah, I have gone to see her.” Jack stood. She rubbed her arms, her brow wrinkling as she looked away from him. “This is serious shit. I just wanna say that…that if we die, I…” She bit her lower lip and Shepard saw the single tear that trickled down her cheek. It was quickly wiped away but left a black mark of eyeliner on her cheek.

“Jack…it’s okay. I get it.” Shepard stepped down off the crate and took a step towards her. Maybe it was all she needed, just a small sign of his shared affection, because Jack stepped forward and wrapped her arms around his neck.

It wasn't awkward. Just the hum of the engine around them and the sounds of their breathing.

“I just wanted to let you know where we stand,” Jack repeated.

“Yeah, I get it.”

* * *

"Even if something just doesn't feel right...you call me. Okay?" Shepard asked.

Joker rolled his eyes. "It will be fine. Seriously, I'm going to be so bored. I'll probably spend my time sending you bad jokes and watching old Blasto vids."

Shepard tightened his hold around him and Joker sighed. Yeah, he got it. He didn't leave the ship like the others, didn't go on missions or recon, hell, he didn't even pilot the shuttle, but he was still a soldier. He might be physically fragile but he was mentally anything but. It didn't stop him from turning his nose against Shepard's neck, though, and he breathed in deep. It was frustrating that Tris was basically coddling him but...it also meant he cared. They could work on the other stuff.

"I'm good, Shep. Serious. Nothing to worry about."

"Come _on_ , Shepard! Catch up with lover-boy when we get back!" Jack yelled from the Kodiak.

Joker waved to Shepard as he boarded the Kodiak with the rest of the team. EDI had given an estimated downtime of around six hours so Shepard decided to take the time to investigate rumblings of a mercenary hideout. Dangerous but predictable, probably, and something the team would not need emergency pick-up from.

It was quiet without the Officers and regulars on board. Joker had never realised it before. He was so used to seeing Kasumi loitering around, or Miranda speaking with crewmen about ship upgrades or duty rosters.

"Shepard gone?" Kelly asked when she saw him exit the elevator onto the CIC.

"Just then. We'll be jumping to unoccupied space just outside of Omega in the Sahrabarik system."

Kelly frowned. The expression was quick and was replaced with a cheery smile. "Nothing is going to happen, but I can see the need for precautions."

"That's what I said." He nodded to Kelly and headed up to the cockpit. EDI's orb flashed open as he slumped into his chair.

"All preparations to integrate the Reaper IFF are underway. I will be limiting my active run times to focus on the task to ensure accuracy."

"That difficult, huh?"

"It is just a precaution, Mr Moreau."

Yeah, _precautions._

Joker took the _Normandy_ out of planetary orbit and through the Mass Relay. He kept her cloaked through the system and out into unoccupied space. He didn't need raiders to attack right now, thinking they were an easy target. People got desperate around these parts.

The _Normandy_ ran almost silent but with the engines powered down and everything offline except basic life support and operations, it was damn eerie. The familiar rumble of the engine core underfoot was absent and despite the brightly lit corridors, Joker couldn't help look over his shoulder towards the CIC as EDI worked.

He had very little to do. What did he know about Reaper tech? As much as he wanted to know, really. There were some things he didn't mind being ignorant about and Reaper tech was one. Childbirth was another. Because seriously? Kudos to women for taking _that_. If he ever had a kid, he would be waiting out in the hall.

Not that he had ever really thought about having a kid. He knew that with genetic screening he would be able to have a normal kid, one without Vroliks, but honestly he had just never given it much thought. Caring for himself was hard enough. How was he supposed to look after a baby? A toddler? Shit...how did parents deal with teenagers? Joker leant his head against his hand. What if Shepard wanted kids, though? If they did get their future (which Joker really liked to think they _would_ because the Universe damn well owed them) would Shepard want a kid? There was all sorts of technology out there for would-be parents. Hell, Miranda's father had created her from nothing but his own DNA. Arrogant bastard.

The house, he could imagine. He could imagine a dog and a cat and a house on Mindoir. He could imagine Kasumi visiting and Liara visiting and he could even imagine Kaidan visiting once he realised he had been an ass and apologised. Joker could imagine all of those things but he couldn't imagine a kid. He just couldn't. He would be an awful father. But if that was what Shepard wanted...

Joker shook his head and flicked on an episode of the Blasto series (like he told Shepard he would be watching. Might as well live up to his promises). But now that he had started to think about it, he couldn't really get it out of his head. If Shepard did want kids, even if he decided to adopt a kid, what would Joker say to him? He couldn't agree...could he?

"Ugh!" Generally he would ask EDI. He wasn't sure when it happened but somewhere along the line she had become...what, a friend? She couldn't be a friend. She wasn't even alive. A confidante maybe? She had become a sounding board. Whenever he was confused or stressed he could talk to her and EDI always had a logical answer, but she also questioned him - she wanted to learn and to learn she needed clarification. It forced Joker to find that clarification for EDI, if not for himself.

But he couldn't ask EDI now. Probably for the best. It didn't warrant the question. Thoughts of a future were far out of their reach. At the moment they had Shepard's cabin in the Loft, a tank full of exotic fish, and each other. And that was pretty awesome.

"Mr Moreau, we are experiencing some unusual readings in auxiliary systems."

Joker wrinkled his nose. He flicked through his displays. "Your readings are wrong."

"I have detected a signal among the static. ...we are transmitting our location."

"Transmitting?" Joker asked, fingers flying over his console. "To who?"

The panels lit up, blaring emergency signals, klaxons sounding. Joker felt the push on the _Normandy_ as another ship entered space alongside them. Close enough to see right out the window.

"Shit!"

The Collector vessel was huge. He had seen it before, horrible memories of the Collector vessel searing the _Normandy SV1_ out of the sky. Emergency lights flaring, huge chunks of the ship floating out into space, crew dead and Shepard... Joker pressed his eyes closed and took a deep breath. He couldn't afford to panic.

"I'm getting us out of here!" Joker enabled the flight panel. Red signals flashed and the panel locked down.

"Propulsion systems have been disabled. I'm detecting a virus within our systems."

"From the IFF?" Joker asked. He slammed his hand down on the ships alarm, alerting the crew to assemble. Weapons cabinets were unlocked, crew scrambling to their stations all over the ship. "Damn it! I knew we should scrub it!"

"Primary defenses are offline. We can save the _Normandy_ , but I will need your help," EDI said. "Give me the ship."

Joker looked at her avatar. They were being boarded. "You're crazy! I'm not doing that!" The ship groaned and shuddered. Damn it. What choice did he have? "All right! But you start singing Daisy Bell and I am so done."

"Unlock my sealed databases and I can initiate counter procedures. The maintenance shaft will lead you to the AI Core. The main corridors are no longer safe - the Collectors have boarded."

Joker groaned and thumped his head back against the padded headrest of his seat. He had to go. He heard a scream behind him in the CIC. Joker pulled himself out of his chair, legs wobbling from sitting for so long without a break. He clung to his chair and then pushed himself forward.

Joker had never felt so scared in his entire life.

He had broken bones, had crushed his rib cage and punctured his lungs and had thought he would die of asphyxiation, had cracked his skull against the bathroom floor and had watched his blood trickle down the drain until he passed out, but all of that paled in comparison.

It wasn't even in the same fucking field.

He pressed his back against the bulkhead. He tried not to breathe. His heart raced inside his chest and he could feel his legs wobble.

"Hurry!" EDI urged.

A woman screamed again and he peeked back around the corner to see a Collector drag her into the elevator. The huge bulk of a Praetorian loomed over her body and it uncurled itself from the open lift. Two crewmen were firing at it, their rounds peppering its huge body. It swiped out at one man and then leapt towards Joker and he turned and moved as fast as his damn legs would take him.

Dammit. _Dammit!_ If he was anyone else he might have been able to save them. If he was anyone else, he might have been able to buy them more time.

"Shit!" He felt his eyes burn.

EDI led him through the corridors, steering him down the safest route. All her time was being dedicated to keeping him safe. Locking down doors and service tunnels, plunging rooms around him into darkness to shield him.

"You must go through the service tunnels," EDI said. "You must hurry."

Black. Pitch black down there. One slip and he would fall and probably kill himself. Then he would be no help to anyone. "Shit, shit, shit!" He didn't have a choice. Joker looked up and saw massive blue, glowing eyes staring back at him from the Drive Core through the window. His heart gave a great thud in his chest and he grabbed the rails and lowered himself down into the shaft. He didn't have time to be scared. He didn't have time to freak out.

He could freak out later.

Slowly. Slowly, slowly, one step at a time. Double check his footing, grip the rails tight and lower his leg down, one step at a time until he hit the service tunnel. Just like all the things he had never had to do in boot camp. Crawl through the tunnel on hands and knees, mindful of his head. His legs burned in pain. He found the ladder back up, emergency lighting leading the way. And it was the same going up as it was going down.

Slowly, slowly.

One step at a time.

The ship was swarming with Collectors. What crew that weren't dead we're being dragged out or had been contained in those pods. _A fate worse than death._ The Med-Bay was empty and Joker bit down hard enough on his lip for the pain to momentarily overshadow the pain in his legs. Chakwas was gone, too.

"Joker!"

"Hawthorne? Get the hell out of here!"

"No, Sir! This deck is crawling with those things and we've got to get you to the AI Core, Sir! Follow me!

"Hawthorne!"

Hawthorne ran forward, assault rifle clasped in his hands. Joker swore and followed. He broke the corridor and Hawthorne's body was thrown against the wall in front of him. The man slumped, broken, out cold and Joker saw a Collector dragging Kelly into the elevator. Her nails scraped on the floor as she tried to hold on.

He slipped around past them. The Collectors were occupied. Kelly hadn't even seen him. He choked back a burble of noise that fought its way into his throat.

Later. He could freak out _later._

He heard the doors to Engineering seal behind him. There were Collectors in the halls. They would know he was here. He slammed his hand on the sensor outside of the AI Core unnecessarily. EDI opened the doors for him and then sealed the room.

“Okay, I’m in…uhh…you.”

“Connect the core to the _Normandy’s_ primary systems.”

“Great,” Joker said with a heavy sigh. “This is where it all starts, and when we’re all just organic batteries, guess who they’ll blame!”

Silence, of course, but he was glad no one was answering. The only ones left on the ship were Collectors.

“This is all Joker’s fault!” he said and snorted a laugh at his own wit. It kept his mind off what was really going on outside of those doors.

The room around him flashed bright and he stepped back away from the control panel. The lights on the ground buzzed and flashed and then he heard EDI’s voice, “I have access to the defensive systems. Thank you, Mr Moreau. Now you must reactivate the primary drive in engineering.”

“What? You've got to be kidding me! You just want me crawling through the ducts again.”

"I enjoy the sight of humans on their knees."

If EDI had discovered a sense of humour, now was not the fucking time!

“That is a joke.”

“Right…” Joker said and turned away.

More service ducts, more service ladders, his knees raw from crawling along hard metal plates. He banged his head on a low rail but pressed on.

"Hostiles are present in engineering," EDI informed him.

He leant back against a crate and tried to catch his breath. Failed, but tried. At any moment the Collectors could come down those steps looking for him. He wouldn't stand a chance at saving himself. He saw the shadow pass overhead and he sucked in a breath. The doors opened and then closed.

"Engineering is clear. Move quickly to minimize the chances of being detected."

A pained gasp tore his throat as he pressed forward, the weight on his knees unbearable. The stairs were murder. Adrenaline pulled him through.

The doors to engineering slid open as he reached the top of the stairs. He limped up to the control panel, clutching at his thigh. If he survived this he was going to feel it in the morning.

“Activate the drive and I will open the airlocks as we accelerate. All hostiles will be killed.”

"You can't! What about the rest of the crew?"

"They're all gone, Jeff."

Funny, how some moments felt unreal. He heard the words but he didn't understand. The crew couldn't be gone. He couldn't be the only one left. He couldn't be. He stared at the great orb of the Drive Core and then rubbed his hands over his face. The breath of air he let go burned his throat on the way out.

"Alright," he said.

This couldn't be happening.

“I am in control.”

He felt the hum resonate through his body, the Drive Core bright like a star. He felt the kick and was thrown backwards. His head slammed against the metal grating and the light went out as he slipped into unconsciousness.

_"Jeff!"_

He groaned. He didn't want to get up yet. It had been a rough night, the pain worse than usual. Way worse than usual.

_"Jeff, wake up."_

He rolled to the side and the metal grating dug into his side. He frowned. He wasn't in Shepard's cabin. But his legs were still aching. He groaned as his head throbbed. He could see the pulse of blood behind his closed eyes.

"Shit..." He hauled himself up. He was in Engineering.

The crew were gone.

He...was alive.

Joker pulled his knees up against his chest and leaned forward to grip his ankles. He could feel himself shaking and he bit his tongue to stop himself from screaming.

He had lost them. Lost them all. Every single one. Chakwas, Hadley, Gardner, hell, even Kelly. Gone. Dead? He didn't know.

"Jeff... are you alright?"

He looked up. EDI's presence in Engineering was behind him but she was actually all around him. He didn't need to look at a holographic representation of her to speak with her. "Not really," he said. His voice sounded small and far away. His voice sounded like he felt.

"It wasn't your fault, Jeff."

"Yeah..." He dragged himself to his feet, aware of the undignified sound he made as he rested his weight on his legs. "Call Shepard. Tell him what happened..."

He could freak out later.

* * *

"Everyone out."

The team looked at Shepard who until this point had been silent. Dead silent. He didn't look up, focussed on the floor, his feet, anything except his crew and friends.

"Shepard, we-" Miranda began but was silenced as Shepard's biotics flared, brilliant blue in the cold room.

Joker looked up. His gut clenched. But he wanted them out, too.

"Out!" Shepard shouted. The response was automatic. The team fled, not another word spoken and then it was just Joker and Shepard and silence.

Joker opened his mouth but could find no words. What was there to say? It had happened - the crew were gone, EDI free and-- He inhaled sharply as Shepard crossed the scant few steps towards him. His eyes were dark, as though all the color, all that blue that Joker loved so much was just gone. Shit, he was angry. "Tris--"

No more words. No time for words, no space for them between the crash of lips, click of teeth and Shepard's hands against his cheeks as he kissed him. He leant forward and heard an embarrassing whimper slide past his lips as he eagerly accepted the crushing intimacy he hadn't really realized he needed. Joker wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders, pulling him closer up against the bench, between his knees until he could hook his boots behind Shepard's thighs and hold him there where he needed him. He had been strong, held his own in a ridiculous and terrifying situation because that's what they did - they were soldiers. They had signed themselves up for the fast lane to Death's door. And he had never been more scared in his entire life. And he needed Shepard now. He dragged his hand through Shepard's hair, grabbing and tugging and felt Shepard's tongue warm and flat against his, chasing the tremors in his body.

Shepard pulled back and nothing - not a twitch of his lips, a glimmer in his eyes or annoying twinge of his cheek - passed his face. Blank, still lost to whatever had drowned the color of his eyes, swept up like a hurricane; dark, tumultuous, terrifying. He grabbed Joker, hands on either side of his hips, and pulled him forward to the edge of the bench. Joker had to grab Tris' shoulder, steady himself until he was sure Tris had him pressed against his body and that his boots were still firmly linked behind the swell of Shepard's thighs.

Joker breathed out, felt his breath shake and pulse wobble, rapid beneath his skin. He had to bite down on his lip when Shepard's tongue traced the line of the pronounced vein in his neck, had to tip his head back further and close his eyes as Shepard's teeth grated against the fluttering beat. His shirt was pulled from his pants and the tight hold of his belt and Shepard's hand delved up against his stomach, tracing the line of hair under his navel with his knuckles. Shepard's hand splayed flat against his side, ran up along his ribs and back down and he could still feel the lips against his carotid artery, the tongue that gently laved against the drumming beat.

Joker smoothed his hand over Shepard's hair and held him close. He was alive. They were alive. Right now...that's all that mattered. Selfish, horrible and the guilt settled in his throat but was washed away when Shepard pulled back and _looked_ at him. Looked at him like he was the only thing that mattered with dark, glassy eyes and the first spots of _tears_ that pricked the corner of his eyes. Commander Tristan Shepard _crying_ , goddammit, over _him._

"Upstairs," Joker said. "Just us."

And Tris got the meaning. "I almost lost you." He smiled and closed his eyes as Joker pressed a kiss to his cheek and the damp line there. "No more waiting."

No more waiting. They had spent too long waiting, edging around each other, getting lost and finally coming together and then more waiting, holding off and putting everything else first and second and leaving this until what seemed like last. It could have never happened. It almost didn't. He had a near silent ship to remind him of that. Not a single person in the CIC, no one to hold up a lift or to inform them of waiting messages at a terminal.

"EDI, no distractions," Shepard said as the doors to the Loft swished closed behind them.

"Of course, Shepard," EDI said but no blip of her avatar, just the glow of the fish tank, the dim strip lighting and the light on the desk.

Joker pulled his cap off, pulled his shirt over his head and dropped both, his hands working at his belt before they hit the ground. Shepard's hands joined his, helping him free from his uniform as Shepard's lips claimed him again, caging him up against his larger body. Joker pushed him back and glanced towards the bed over Shepard's shoulder. He placed his hand in the middle of Shepard's chest and gave him a push, just enough to force him back a step, maybe two and the rest he took voluntarily.

Shepard's shirt hit the floor somewhere near that step down from the entrance, their boots were discarded near the coffee table, and before they made it to the bed Shepard had his hand down the front of Joker's trousers, easing a palm along the front of his boxers to press against the curve of his thigh and hip, achingly close to where it should be resting.

Shepard still tasted like the soap from his shower earlier that morning, his jaw textured with a barely-there scratch against Joker's lips as he bit at the skin. He took Shepard's chin between his thumb and fingers, pressed against that ridiculous and immature patch of black hair under his lower lip, and reached forward and kissed him. Tasted his lips and tongue and saliva and everything that Shepard _was_ \- fear, lust, love, pride and neuroses all trapped there in that kiss and it couldn't have been any better. He grinned and stepped forward and Shepard stepped back, his calves and the back of his knees hitting the edge of the bed so he fell backwards, pulling Joker with him and on top of him in a tangle of arms and legs. Joker managed to get Shepard's arms pinned under his somewhere near his head and held him down, nipped at his shoulder, pressed his nose to his skin there and breathed. The scent that he knew better than anyone, something no one else knew; the musk and scent of ozone, soap, oil, spices, sometimes a little like hot, clean night air that Joker barely remembered being real anywhere except on Shepard's skin.

Shepard's hands dipped under the waist of his pants again, worked along his spine and across his ass and he inhaled sharply and looked up but the time for words was long gone. Now, right now, Joker needed to feel Tris' hands on him and around him and in him and he pushed back against Shepard's palms. Incentive given, Shepard grabbed the waistband of Joker's pants and pushed them down along with black cotton boxer shorts, as far as he could before he ran out of room and Joker had to finish the job, kicking them away.

And Shepard's hands were back on his bare ass, kneading the muscle there and it was impossible not to slide against him, the stiff fabric of Cerberus fatigues entirely too rough against his stiff dick. Joker bit his lip until Shepard reached forward and eased the flesh from between his teeth. Fuckin' tease. He needed him out of those pants - out, now. He sat back and Shepard smirked at him, that damn lopsided charming-as-fuck grin that Joker had to kiss away as he worked at Shepard's belt, pulling it open and free, his hands understanding buckles and zips where his mind forgot, preoccupied. He shifted and Shepard grabbed him, arms wrapped around him and forced him sideways against the too-hard mattress that he had gotten used to because it came with _Shepard._ There was a shuffle and Shepard's trousers disappeared over the edge of the bed just leaving those tight black briefs that Joker hooked his thumb under right at the leg, running back and forth.

The air was thick; all that energy and tension, unspoken words, unshed tears, all there caught in the breath between them. And when Joker breathed in, Shepard leaned down and kissed him, dragging his lower lip between his teeth, hand in Joker's hair and the other bolstered next to his chest, holding him up.

"F-fuck..." Joker breathed out and Shepard grinned right there against his lips.

He couldn't say anything else, his breath ragged as Shepard slid down, his lips passing across Joker's neck, tongue tracing the line of his collarbone, hands sliding through the hair on his pale chest and following the line of it past his navel but stopping there, pressing and sliding across his soft skin. The sound he made when he felt Shepard's breath against his dick was damn undignified.

The sound he made when Shepard's tongue ran up his dick was _obscene._

When he looked at Shepard it still sometimes confused him. Here he was, not great looking, soft in all the wrong places, scarred from surgery to repair and strengthen stupid broken bones in his stupid broken body, and then there was Shepard. Shepard, fucking gorgeous Shepard with hard muscles, storm blue eyes, smooth skin marked with scars he had damn well earned. Shepard on his knees, staring up at him, hands on Joker's thighs and leaning down to put perfect lips to his cock. Joker hissed and his head fell back against the sheets, eyes opening and closing and trying to refocus on the ceiling above him. His hips jerked up and Shepard held him down, his hands pressing against the dip of his pelvis. Joker couldn't watch as Shepard's mouth enclosed around him, warm and wet and the hum of appreciation ran straight up his spine.

Shepard was slow, took his time, tongue running along the underside of Joker's cock, lips sucking at the head, his hand taking what his mouth couldn't and the other still holding him down. There was nothing Joker could do except grasp at the sheets, fingers tearing at the crisp fabric, brush at Shepard's hair and pant into his own shoulder, teeth biting at his lip. He felt Shepard smirk as he groaned, not able to keep the sound in his throat.

His body twitched, wound tight, when Shepard placed a kiss to the end of his dick and then pulled back to kneel. Joker ran his hand over his face, closing his eyes and forcing them to reopen. Because it wasn't everyday you got a blowjob from Commander Shepard. He opened his eyes and leant up on his elbows.

"You gonna...lose those?" he asked, his voice wound just as tight as his body, and he motioned to Shepard's briefs. The tight briefs that somehow made Shepard's erection all the more evident for not seeing it, pressed hard against the fabric, the patch of damp barely obvious in the dim light but definitely there.

Shepard ran his tongue over his lips. Joker didn't miss it; the one little action sent a flare of heat straight to his balls and the muscles in his thighs tensed. Shepard stepped back off the bed and hooked his thumbs under the elastic waist of his briefs. There was no ceremony but that made it better, watching Shepard's cock spring free, flushed and hard and this time Joker ran his tongue over his lips. He hadn't been with many men (two, before Shepard) and he had never actually felt like he _wanted_ to get his hands on another guy's cock, it was just always part of the deal. Shepard though... He'd held it, felt it pressed against his thigh, stroked it through tight black underwear and had ran his tongue along it. He wanted it. Wanted him. Joker held out his hand, beckoning Shepard back to the bed, back to him but Shepard gave him a look - _wait_ \- and he settled back and watched and waited. Because the view was pretty damn good, too.

Shepard threw a plastic bag at him and Joker caught it (barely). "What is... Oh." He laughed. He had to. And Shepard's nose had gone red and he was rubbing the back of his neck where his black hair had been shaved to stubble."I figured we might need it. Eventually."

"Mordin offered to supply lube, y'know."

Shepard was still gloriously naked and hard standing at the end of the bed, but he actually managed to look embarrassed as he pulled his lips into a thin line. "Not a conversation I needed to be having with him. It was embarrassing enough buying this stuff. Had it shoved in the plastic bag and made the person at the counter wrap it so the labels weren't visible. Bet he had a real laugh when I left. Then to make it worse I had to carry the damn bag all over the ship as I _talked_ to people. Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?"

Joker laughed. Because it drained some of the stress from the room and he saw Shepard's shoulders relax and it wasn't so serious. They were alive, they were together, and it wasn't so urgent. They had time, even if the cost was high. He pulled the box out of the bag and waved it at Shepard. "So, you gonna get some use outta this or did you go through all that for nothing? If you had other plans I can leave you to it. No skin off my nose."

The bed dipped as Shepard knelt at its edge. He snagged the box and pulled out the tube, the bag and packaging discarded over the edge with their clothes. "I went through the pain of buying this, so we're using it."

Joker grinned and wrapped his hand around Shepard's wrist, dragging him over. Shepard's hand went to the small of his back and lowered him down and he wrapped his arms around Shepard's shoulders and pulled his muscled body against him. No room between them, no holding weight that annoyingly frustrating inch above him. Joker hooked his ankle behind Shepard's and then kissed him. Kissed away all that damn worry and hesitation and held him there. He wasn't going to break, this wouldn't snap him into little pieces.

"I'm good," he whispered against Shepard's lips. "Got it? I'll tell you if anything hurts or whatever. Trust me."

And maybe those were the words that Shepard had needed to hear all along. For someone to take the responsibility off his shoulders and asked him to place his faith in someone else. Because he nodded and there was no argument. Just another kiss, and another, and the bite of teeth against Joker's lips. Their bodies skin to skin, the heat and hardness of Shepard's cock against his thigh, reminding Joker of what they were going to do.

He slid his hands down Shepard’s thighs, back up along soft skin to hard cock. Shepard made a small noise and his hips stuttered. He let Joker take his time, hand moving up and back across heated flesh, glide eased by leaking fluid and sweaty palms. They had never really spoken about this before. Not really. They had fooled around, gotten each other off with hurried hand-jobs, but never really had the time or the energy to explore what further meant.

“Did you want to…?” Joker asked and held out the bottle of lube (which he still couldn't imagine Shepard buying. There were some things the Commander just didn't _do_ ).

Shepard took the bottle and cracked the seal. He wet his fingers with the lubricant and then reached back.

It hit Joker all at once that they really had _never_ spoken about this. He had taken it for a certainty that Shepard would want to take him, would be dominant, and Joker had been fine with that. But Shepard reached back and his slick fingers worked into himself and Joker could just stare, eyes wide with surprised wonder.

“Is this okay?” Tris asked and Joker nodded dumbly, his mouth hanging open as he watched.

The room was silent other than the ragged sounds of their breath, the ever-present hum of the engines, and the slide of Shepard’s fingers, wet with lube. Joker steadied his palm on Shepard’s thigh, thumb stroking a pattern across skin. Shepard had flushed red from his cheeks, down his throat and across his chest. With body shaking he rested his forehead to Jeff’s shoulder, fingers sliding from his body.

“I thought…y’know,” Joker said as he slid his hand through Shepard’s hair.

“But it’s okay?”

“Oh yeah. Totally okay.” Jeff ran his hand down Shepard’s spine and over his ass. He had to suck in a quick breath when he felt his fingers skate over the sheen of lube. Shepard breathed in, chest heaving. Shepard took Joker's hand and pressed it back, giving incentive to touch him. Joker had never done that. He moved his fingers, pressed carefully and felt the slick wetness there. He held his breath as he pressed his fingers in - tight and warm. Shepard shifted and sighed and Joker could feel all the heat rush to his cheeks, flushing his neck.

"Doing good," Tris said, his voice watery, shaky and he shifted his hips again.

Feeling surprisingly proud of himself, Joker let himself continue, moving his fingers slowly, stroking in and out through the slide of lubricant. It was odd, new, tight heat clenching around his fingers as Tris rocked his hips back, eager for more. Joker pressed deeper and Shepard stilled, breathing in a shaky breath, one hand tightening in the sheet beside their bodies.

When Shepard reached back, it was with a palm wet with another cold handful of lube. Joker started and hissed when Shepard took hold of his dick, cold meeting his hot flesh. Shepard gave a short huff of a laugh and kissed the underside of Jeff’s chin, nose scratching against stubble.

Joker knew he would never be able to fully describe what he felt as Shepard eased back, joining them together. The warmth, the tight heat and Shepard holding onto him like he was going to break instead of Joker. Shepard’s thighs quaked and his fingers dug deep bruises into Jeff’s shoulders, even though he held himself back, not enough to really hurt, never to break, but to burn in all the best ways. Joker eased him through it, even though he felt as though he was shaking apart. Shepard needed more…just…more.

“Jeff…” Quick kisses fell across Joker’s chest, Shepard’s lips skirting across his skin. He held Tris’ thighs tight and let him have the moment.

Stars seemed to flash behind his eyes as Shepard moved. The drag of their bodies perfect, hot and tight. He let Shepard take whatever he wanted; set whatever pace he wanted. A slow, perfect glide that seemed to knock their air from Shepard with each wave. Joker knew that this was his – no one else got this. Shepard may have to share himself with the entire galaxy but this part of him would always belong to Joker. Here in this bed it was them together. These small sounds; the huff of Shepard’s breath, the tight hum as he moved, the way he sounded as he moved just the right side of tortuously slow, his hips rolling in time with his breath. Joker didn't have to share a single one.

Shepard’s body seemed to vibrate, hum beneath the skin, and from where Joker’s hand rested over Shepard’s amp he felt shocks of energy like electricity. Everything had taken on an ethereal glow. Joker rubbed his fingers over Shepard’s amp socket and felt the Commander give a full-body shudder, a small noise slipping from his lips. It was enough to entice Joker to do it again, static building beneath his fingers and releasing against Shepard’s skin. Another whine left Shepard’s throat, tight and strained, and his nails raked down Joker’s side, leaving red marks against skin.

Everything about Shepard was hot and drawn tight; his hands grasping at Joker’s sides before moving to clasp Joker’s hand in his own. He couldn't lift his head from Joker’s skin and the noises that came from his throat were truly wrecked, barely any sound at all really. Shepard needed Joker in a way that he needed no one else. And this, this burning, he needed this, too.

When it seemed Shepard just couldn't go on, his thighs shaking and hand clasping Jeff’s almost too tight, it just took a roll of his hips and fingers brushing over Tris’ amp to shake him apart. Shepard shouted something that was almost Jeff’s name, caught up in a dry throat, and fell forward, his hot seed spilling between them, sliding across sweat-soaked skin.

Joker held him close. It was what Shepard wanted more than the sex. Closeness. He stroked his back and hair and let Shepard shake in his arms, caught up in everything ringing through his body and shaking his mind. Jeff knew to wait. Because Shepard always came back to him, because Jeff was there to catch him and hold him close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, two years, huh? Who would have thought... Yeah, this isn't dead. I've just had a lot of issues these past two years - I've been homeless, I've had open heart surgery - and writing wasn't always on my mind. More importantly, my love of Mass Effect came crashing down with ME3. I absolutely hated the game, hated the ending, hated everything. My inspiration for anything to do with Mass Effect died and it's been hard to work on anything to do with the series.
> 
> I really do want to finish this, though, and I think another two chapters could be expected. When will I write them? I don't know. But I want to thank anyone who reads this, favorites it, and sends me comments or follows me on Tumblr. The best thing about writing is you guys.


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